Restless

It’s twilight in New York City, and Eiji has been traveling on this bus for what feels like an eternity. Shaking his head, he tries to take in his surroundings. There are a few faceless stragglers, isolated and turned away. A familiar chuckle makes him gasp and he quickly turns toward it. Familiar emerald green eyes glow under a blue hoodie, followed by a mysterious smile. Ash quietly chuckles again and rings the bell to get off. Relieved, Eiji scurries off after him, smiling as he intends to get Ash’s attention. However, Ash ignores him, continuing to walk forward. Frowning, Eiji follows. He quickly realizes that no matter how far he walks, how much he speeds up, Ash’s back remains out of reach. Soon he can’t see him at all through the amorphous crowds, even though he hears a mocking laughter echoing all around him. He knows that Ash can see him; is taunting him. Eventually he’s skirting around corners, dashing through alleyways, all to no avail. Tears of frustration burn as they fall onto his face, and loneliness overwhelms him as he falls to his knees.

“Ash! Ash come back. This isn’t funny!” he shouts, pleading. “Don’t…don’t leave me here…I’m sorry…”

A loud thud jolts him from the nightmare, leaving Eiji’s heart pounding for a few moments afterwards. The digital clock reads 11:37AM, and he sighs before rolling onto his back and squeezing his eyes shut. This is the third time he’s slept later than 9AM this week alone; his sleep schedule is in tatters. So much for being an “old man” like Ash suggests.

Shit- Ash!

Disoriented, Eiji rolls out of the bed, trying to motivate himself enough to get dressed and start the rest of his day. The rush stops when his muscles relax under the steaming water. An odd image of tea leaves brewing sadness floats around in his daydreams. Tearing himself from the relaxing steam, he dries off, brushes his teeth, lotions, and shoves on some comfy gray sweats and one of Ash’s cashmere sweaters. He won’t tell Ash, but the softness of the sweater and the familiar smell really make him feel more secure. If anyone looked at him from the outside, Eiji seems perfectly put together.

The front door slams shut as he enters the living room area, and he can’t help but flinch as the positive mindset falls apart already. It’s just another reminder that he’s technically trapped here, alone; that the world’s too dangerous for ‘somebody like him’ to handle. It’s a bitter pill, especially on a day like this.

“No matter,” he murmurs. “I’ll just make something to eat.”

Thirty minutes later, he’s standing in front of all the open cabinets, and he still hasn’t chosen something to make. He’s hungry, he knows he’s hungry, and yet every-fucking-thing in these cabinets require cooking and he doesn’t feel like cooking and at this point he just won’t eat and-

Pausing, Eiji takes a deep, rattling breath.

And another.

And a third.

“Uh, hey lil’ guy, you okay?”

Jumping out of his skin, Eiji turns to see Kong staring at him with concern. Bones darts around for the paper towel roll, before tearing off a piece and handing it to him. “You’re cryin’! Did you hurt yourself?”

Flushing red, Eiji quickly wipes the tears that he didn’t know were falling and gives his best attempt at a smile. “No, no, I didn’t hurt myself,” he mutters. “I’m okay. I just have a headache is all. Thank you for asking.”

“But you-” Bones is quickly nudged into silence by Kong, who glances up into the cabinets.

“Is there something you can’t reach? I can grab it for you.”

“I can reach thi-” Eiji bites his tongue, chuckling in frustration to hold back the snappish retort to his height. “No. I can reach the things. I just am hungry, but I don’t really feel like making anything today. I’m sorry, I know you both like when I make treats, I’m just- I’m tired.”

“Well we can go grab some burgers, maybe a box from that donut shop ‘cross the street! No worries, Eiji! You just sit down and relax!” Bones gives him a wide, gaping smile, and Kong lays a comforting hand on his shoulder. Eiji is already apologetic for almost snapping at him, feeling unworthy of the support.

“All right. Thank you.”

He nibbles at the food even more slowly than usual, doing nothing to placate Bones and Kong’s concern.

Eiji is only fourteen when his heart truly shatters for the first time. He’s walking home from school, swinging his eight-year-old sister’s hand. Things have been stressful at home, but as with every walk home, he’s hoping for a better day today. The severe arguing between their parents, brought on by an already tense marriage, had cut off when his father passed out and was taken to the hospital. Their mother was very excited this morning, and he knew that they were visiting him. Maybe things had gotten better between them? Even though he’d never been very outwardly affectionate, Eiji knew his father loved both his children dearly. The lack of his strong, determined presence has been a little scary, but Eiji’s been doing his best to be strong.  

A cheerful wave distracts his sister from reaching their small home; as she goes to speak to the little girl next door, Eiji quietly opens their front door and slips in. Ready to announce himself, he pauses when he hears odd thumping noises. Stomach sinking, he begins to toe forward.

(He regrets this choice almost every day for years to come; he really should have turned around and run away; even in his youth he was a danger-magnet.)

Just when he’s about to make some noise, make his presence known, he hears something that chills the blood in his veins.

Moans.

Eiji’s gorge rises, and he claps a hand over his mouth.

His father isn’t home. His father is in the hospital.

That’s not his father.

Gods, he doesn’t want to hear this, especially not his mother, especially not when it means-

He stands frozen in disgust, shaking in space, wishing that he could scream to drown out the horrible sounds.

“Kaa-san! We’re home!” his sister’s voice calls out from behind him. She jovially skips to the kitchen, unaware of the panic she’s caused behind the accursed door. His mother quickly slips out of the room in a tightly wrapped robe, slamming the door shut. Her beaming façade immediately shatters when she locks onto Eiji’s horrified expression.  

“Ei-chan…Eiji, wait, please, it was a mistake-” Her hand reaches forward, and right before it connects with his face, he sprints toward the front door. As he tosses it open to dash down the steps, he loses his footing.

He’s grasping for the sky, grasping for the pole that suddenly appears, but he’s falling, and the telltale crack of his ankle lets him know it’s all destroyed- his family, his pole-vaulting career, it’s all gone. As he opens his mouth to let out a terrified scream—

Eiji wakes up, covered in sweat and tears, chest painfully tight. It’s a disgusting feeling, and he wants to rinse it all off but-

I don’t want to get up. I don’t want to move. I don’t want to!

It feels dangerous to get up. Like something bad will happen if he does. Logically he knows nothing will happen. But still…something might. His heart is convinced of it, sunk down deep into his stomach, and remaining there.

There’s no point in getting up either. You won’t do anything new. No one will miss you. No one needs you.

The bad things can’t happen if you don’t get up.

I’m scared. I’m scared…

Eiji finally acknowledges the symptoms- he must be in one of his depressive lows. It would explain the fatigue, the anxiety, the lack of motivation to eat or cook, the easy irritability. It’s so annoying, not to mention what a horrible time for this to happen! The diagnosis leaves him insecure around Ash and his gang because he can see how much they suffer daily. Ash, especially. How dare he be this way when he’s so safe?

He’s been ordering and taking his medication in secret ever since they relocated into the upscale complex, so he thought everything was under control. What could have triggered this latest episode? What happened? Suddenly, a snake-like, mocking tone enters his mind. Yut-Lung.

“I’ll be his enemy.”

“You can’t even get your hands bloody for Ash.”

Of course. And the worst part, is that if he tells Ash what’s going on, he’ll only confirm Yut-Lung’s accusations- that he’s weak, that he’s a burden, that Ash deserves better.

Another part of him screams that that’s not fair. He’s been doing his best to be strong in his own way for Ash- the way he always has. He’s trying. The last time he truly felt like he didn’t have to be strong for someone else was that day at home. He’d spent hours hiding at a nearby park sobbing his eyes out. Then he realized that he’d left his little sister at home. How could he abandon her there? Something clicked, and he realized that he didn’t trust his mother anymore to handle things at home. His father was sick, and his mother was untrustworthy- that meant everything fell to him to make sure he and his sister could live a stable life. So, he wiped his tears, put on a strong front, and went home. He refused to speak to his mother about what happened that day, for a long time.

Not until-

No, I don’t want to think about that right now!

Rolling onto his stomach, he shudders a scream into the pillow, but it’s completely silent- a choked plea for help.

Keep it in like tou-san, until it eventually kills you like it’ll eventually kill him-

Eiji immediately shuts down the resentful thought.

Two hours later, when the clock reads 1:30PM, Eiji finally drags himself out of bed. He only has a most persistent need to pee to thank for that.

Ash isn’t in the condo. 

Of course not.

Why would he be?

Kong and Bones know that something is up. Usually Eiji is very cheerful, smiling that warm smile of his as he makes tea and treats early in the morning for everyone, greeting the gang as they meet up for plans. Sometimes he helps to treat any minor injuries when he notices them. He’s truly a mom friend, and you can’t help but feel comfort in his presence. But lately, he hasn’t been waking up at all, and after catching him crying the other day, they know they need to tell Ash what’s up.

However, approaching the boss about it is easier said than done, mainly because the topic of conversation is so…touchy. It’s both a privilege and a danger to work with Eiji. A privilege because first, it means they’re less likely to get hurt in the field. While they didn’t become some of Ash’s most trusted allies being cowards, it’s nice to take a break from the firefights. Second, Eiji’s such a sweet guy, and most importantly he makes the boss happy (though all the treats, drinks and kind words don’t hurt either!)

It’s a danger because if anything ever happens to Eiji, they’ll come face to face with Ash’s fury, and no one (other than Eiji) comes out of that unscathed. Still, they come to a consensus that it would be worse not to tell him, and so they approach the gang leader that evening while he reclines in their dilapidated headquarters. His red Chucks are kicked up onto the table, followed by his classic ripped jeans and black long-sleeved shirt. Anybody else would see a 19-year-old kid scrolling, relaxing, but they know better. He’s a general, a kingpin, poring over something important.

“What?” Ash mutters, not even looking up.

It’s enough to cause nervous heart palpitations, and they turn to look at each other to build moral support. For Eiji!

“Welllll-”

“If you’re just going to goof off or waste time, do it out of my light.”

“It’s-” Bones starts. “It’s about Eiji, Boss.”

The change in demeanor is immediate; Ash clicks the phone off and looks directly at them, frowning.

“What about Eiji? Is he okay? Is something wrong?”

They lock eyes again and sigh. That is clearly the wrong reaction, as Ash is on his feet and headed toward the door in an instant.

“Wait, wait! Boss!” Kong cries after him. “He’s not hurt or anything, it’s nothing like that!”

“Then what is it? What’s wrong?” Ash hisses, scowling as he spins around. They flinch back, but soldier on.

“We saw him crying the other day!” Bones yelps, before tossing up his hands.

Ash’s body seems to turn to stone. “Crying?”

Kong nods. “Something’s been off about him lately. He’s normally up early, super smiley, happy, you know? But lately, he hasn’t even been waking up. The other day we didn’t see him until after one in the afternoon. And then the crying. I don’t think he’s really smiled at all recently.”

“He hasn’t been baking, or even eating, we think.” Bones adds.

“Are we talking about Eiji? Because I noticed that too. So have some of the other guys.” They turn to see Alex sitting nearby, mildly perturbed. “The cookies and other stuff for the gang. They love it. Those snickerdoodles were an amazing morale boost.”

“The cinnamon ones? Those were fire,” Kong happily notes, memory of the sweet smell leaving his mouth watering.

“But lately he hasn’t made anything. Not that it’s about us,” Alex placates, tilting his head in assent, “but still. Sweet kid. He shouldn’t ever not smile.” The unusually warm sentiment from his second in command makes Ash’s brow furrow further.

“I don’t know what’s going on, Boss,” Bones finishes, twiddling his fingers. “But I think maybe you should talk to him? He always seems happier when you’re around.”

Ash’s face smooths out, hiding all trace of emotion. “All right. Thank you both for telling me. I’ve got it. Alex, I’m headed home early, make sure shit doesn’t fall apart here.”

“Yes, Boss.”

As soon as Ash’s back is out of sight, they all exhale in relief.

-----

Ugh! I can’t fucking believe everyone else had to tell me something was up! Why didn’t I notice?

Fury burns in Ash’s heart, speeding on his bike through traffic to get back to the condo. How could he be so blind? He’d noticed the late sleeping, but he thought that Eiji was simply adjusting to a new schedule. But not eating? Crying? How could Eiji be in that much distress and he not realize? Granted, he was in the middle of leading a gang war. There were major forces that wanted his head on a silver platter, and he had to outthink them all at once, 24/7. So of course, he was busy. But the guilt still stung as he rushed inside, slowing only to kick his shoes off at the door.

“Eiji! I’m back!”

The lights are almost completely off, except for the lamp in the main room. The lowering sun glows orange across the floor, shadows stretching behind. It’s eerily beautiful, and strangely despondent. There’s no response, and Ash almost fears the worst until he notices Eiji silently curled up in a chair, wrapped in a blanket. The mug of tea grasped in his hands is still full, no longer steaming. He’s staring blankly out of the open window, faint circles rimming his eyes. Ash is immediately disconcerted by the lingering silence; maybe Eiji is angry at him? He was purposely loud enough when he entered.

“Hey, onii-chan. You have to drink the tea, not play with it.”

Eiji’s flinch is microscopic when he meets Ash’s eyes, but it quickly fades as he chuckles.

“Good evening to you too, Ash. And how are you doing?” His quiet voice is friendly, teasing even, but the strain is audible.

Ash frowns, holding a hand to Eiji’s forehead.

“You don’t feel too warm… Do you feel faint? Nauseous?” He gently removes the mug from Eiji’s hands, frown deepening when he notices how Eiji’s fingers frantically scramble for something to grip. “What’s going on? Everyone’s worried about you.”

And I’m a fucking idiot for not worrying about you sooner. 

It feels a little too embarrassing for him to vocalize something so sentimental.

“I’m fine, Ash. Don’t worry about me.” Eiji’s gaze drifts back to the window.

It’s a lie. Eiji has always been a terrible liar, but this time is different. The words are automatic, as if he isn’t even bothering to make it believable. Ash scans the room again, feeling the emptiness settling in. It’s a familiar emotion; being caught in a space that supposed to be opulent, to fulfill every need, and yet it only serves as a cage. Eiji’s trapped, and it’s starting to show. Ash quickly forms an idea.

“Hey, Eiji.” He kneels by the chair, smiling. “Would you like to come out with me to the bar tonight? I can invite everyone else out, it’ll be fun.” Placing a gentle hand on Eiji’s knee, he squeezes the same way Eiji does for him. It’s a little awkward, but sweet and well-intentioned.

Eiji lifts an affectionate hand, cupping the side of Ash’s face. “You’re not too busy?” he whispers, giving him a hopeful look. “I know you have a lot to worry about.”

You’re one of the more important reasons I worry. After a moment, Ash melts into his hand like a cat, burning with affection. “Don’t stress. We’ll get you out of here for a little bit, let you stretch your wings. Spend some time together. What do you say?”

A small but true smile stretches across Eiji’s face, his body relaxing. “I’d love to, Ash.”

“Mm. Maybe if you’re really feeling good, we can run away together into the night on my motorcycle.” It’s only half of a joke.

Rolling his eyes, Eiji stands and stretches. “I’m not that naïve, contrary to popular belief. Let me go put some real clothes on.”

“Just dress comfortably. But not the bird shirt. Anything but that ugly bird.” As Eiji flips him off and leaves the room, Ash’s phone buzzes; it’s Shorter. “What’s up?”

“I heard our boy isn’t doing too well. Whose face am I bashing in?”

Ash snorts. “I’ve got a few people you could take out since you’re feeling so generous. Anyway, we’re meeting at the usual kickback place tonight if you wanted to join. I know it’ll make him happy to see you.”

“Aw, of course I’ll come out for my little buddy! You just make sure he gets there in one piece.”

With zero exaggeration, Ash would give his life for Eiji. Shorter doesn’t even need to tease about something like that.  

“I will. See you.”

Eiji returns wearing a soft, baggy sapphire blue sweatshirt that exposes the top of his collarbone, and some black fleece joggers. It’s still a ‘cozy’ outfit, the most casual he’s ever seen Eiji, but the brilliant color brings out the chocolate brown of his eyes and emphasizes his tan skin. His eyes are down demurely, lips bitten bashfully.

He’s stunning, Ash thinks with a blush. After shoving on his converses to hide his wide-eyed expression, he holds open the door and spins his motorcycle keys in his hand.

“Ready?”

Eiji gives him a shaky smile. “As I’ll ever be.”

His voice is still quiet, unsure. Before he can talk himself out of it, Ash holds out a hand, and Eiji flushes before taking it and squeezing. He lets himself be pulled out of the condo.

Eiji genuinely tries to feel a part of the fun, leaning on the arm of the cigarette-smell couch, feet curled up underneath him. It’s not working. While he appreciates Ash’s consideration, and he’s already built a solid camaraderie with the people here, he’s not sure that this night out is serving its desired purpose. His nerves are completely frayed and on edge, his mind screaming, his brain unwilling to work through its exhaustion. The nightmare that left him staring out of the window for hours still lingered, strangling his heart with anxiety that fought to claw its way out.

The snow-covered landscape is barren, hard, and yet beautiful in an otherworldly way. The ice shines like diamonds; the sky a ghostly white; the freezing cold river flowing in the distance blue as the darkest sapphires. The silent nothingness spans into the horizon. The light wind that blows the snows by should be frigid, yet Eiji is surprisingly warm- he raises his hands to see gloves and a coat. Where did he get these? He turns to see a small wooden cabin and immediately seeks shelter inside.

The cabin seems well lived in, and he recognizes it as his own. It almost comes naturally, the tasks he finds at hand. Making a soup, cleaning up the area, keeping the warm fire going. Evidence of another person living in the home is in the multiple sets of wooden dishes, the bed, the hutch with clothing. Eiji smiles in relief- whatever had happened to put them here, Ash was still by his side and they were making the best of it. All he had to do was get everything ready for Ash when he got home; have a warm cup of tea or coffee to soothe him.  

Hours seem to pass, and Ash doesn’t return. The silence has now become unnerving. Choked with an anguish that he forces down, Eiji slips the coat back on and goes out to look for him, walking into the beyond until he can no longer see the cabin when he turns. After what feels like forever, near a bend in the river that leads to the ocean (ocean? Lake? Are they on an island?) he notices something on the ground that stops his heart dead. Then he lunges forward, falling onto the ground and getting blood all over himself as he lifts Ash into his arms.

“Ash! Ash! No, no, no!”

Blood soaked into the snow all around Ash’s pale, coatless body. His body was face down; arms stretched out wide. The worst part is the relaxed, beatific smile on his face. How long has he been out here? Why didn’t Eiji notice? Why didn’t he feel it? Had Ash called for him? Was he scared? Was Eiji at home, safe and waiting, while Ash died a painful, cold, lonely death? Why? Why??

Heart ripped from his chest, Eiji’s agonized screams echoed across the wasteland.

When Ash had come home, teasing him with that snarky “onii-chan”, Eiji couldn’t help but feel sick to his stomach. It was only a nightmare, but it drove home so many of his fears- the isolation, the anxiety, the fear of Ash dying and not returning to him. Failure lay heavy on his heart, and when he met eyes with the other boy, it only drove home that they might not ever open again- and it might all be Eiji’s fault.

Boisterous laughter snaps him out of his thoughts, and he looks up to see Ash and Shorter arguing over the pool table about…something, he can’t focus enough to tell what it is, despite the couch being so close. The small couch was squished into the pool hall near their table. It was an unspoken rule that the table closest to the back was his, and everyone respectfully moved out of their way when they showed up. The entire room oriented around the table; more specifically, around Ash and Shorter- two of the most respected bosses in the city. Two respected bosses that were currently bickering red-faced like chickens over a game.

Alex and Sing are trying to mediate between the two, but anyone can tell that they favor their own boss by the lackadaisical effort.

“Shorter’s full of shit! Alex, tell him what you saw!”

“I mean of course he is, but Boss-”

“Oh, what’s wrong, Ash? Mad that somebody finally outplayed your mega-brained pool schemes? Aren’t I right, Sing?”

“Ha! The great Ash Lynx, losing at his own table!” A glare from Ash leaves Sing backpedaling with a flush, though he scowls with pride. “I mean, Shorter-”

Bones and Kong, taking up the rest of the couch, are clutching their stomachs and gleefully absorbing in the drama between the best friends. Everyone in the place is laughing, trying to make a fun time despite the gang war lurking in the back of everyone’s minds. The vibe is unusually positive, perhaps brought on by a need to relax and the easy availability of alcohol (despite their ages).

They all seem so…happy.

Eiji wants to join in, so badly. Normally he’s laughing and getting tipsy too, but today it just…isn’t happening.

When Shorter blithely orders Eiji a rum and coke (“Oi, what’s with that face, Ash? Can’t I get a cutie a drink?”), it rocks his entire foundation. The drink reminds him of Skipper as much as the location does. Soon he’s gulping down the drink, trying to get the memories to fade.

The breaking point comes when somebody (maybe Alex?) teases Sing about girls. Ash cracks a smile at one of the silly comments they make, and the insecurity stings.

Would someone else be a better fit by his side? Of course they would. Someone who is a part of this world. Someone that Ash wouldn’t have to protect. Someone strong. I bet that’s what they all expected of him. Not someone like me. Someone like me…

Unshed tears burning close to the surface, Eiji stiffly stands. I can’t fake it anymore, not right now. Still holding the glass, he turns and rushes toward the bathrooms, missing Ash’s concerned glance. A tall, gruff older man stands guard by the door, arms folded. Air, he thinks- that’s what he needs to help calm down.

“Sumimasen; excuse me, please. I need some fresh air.”

The guard gives him a blank look. “No exit here. It’s blocked. Go out the front.”

Eiji gives him pleading eyes; surely, he can see that he is panicking?

“Please? Only for a moment. I’m just very distressed and it would help if-”

“Get lost, brat. No exit here.”

It’s a simple enough rejection, but right now he can’t accept it. “I’m struggling to breathe and I don’t think I can make it to the front-please-” He doesn’t want to go back out in front of Ash, to expose the emotions he can’t control. It’s overwhelming.

“Can’t you understand me, little boy?” The guard’s face curls into something sadistic, and he even goes so far as to point a finger in Eiji’s face. “I’m sorry if this place is a ‘wittle too scawy’ for you, but no privileges. You go out the front, or you can try to fight me to get out. But somebody as scrawny as you don’t got it in ‘im, does he?”

When Eiji only swallows, face burning, the guard leans back and barks a laugh. “That’s what I thought. Fuck off. Ask me again and I’ll give you something to cry about.”

The sliver of patience Eiji has left is pulled taut, and he tries to swallow scalding, righteous anger as his eyes narrow. “There’s no need to be disrespectful.”

As he turns to walk back into the open area of the bar, he hears the guard murmur something derogatory, and his last bit of composure disintegrates. Without thinking, he spins and pitches the glass at the guard’s face. The man dodges and the glass explodes against the wall.

Suddenly there’s a rush of chaos all around him. Just as the furious guard pulls out a handgun and points it at Eiji’s face, two gunshots go off and the room falls dead silent. The guard’s face contorts in horror, and Eiji turns to see the crowd part as Ash holds his Smith and Wesson high and true. The first bullet knocked the gun out of the guard’s hand, the second hit exactly where Eiji’s glass had, barely grazing the guard’s ear on its way, and everyone was sure the third one was aimed right between the eyes.

The moment Ash heard the glass break, his entire body gravitated toward where he last saw Eiji, headed to the bathrooms. He takes in Eiji’s defensive pose and his red, indignant eyes. He’s only a foot behind Eiji when the guard pulls out the gun, and instinct kicks in when he raises his own to shoot.  

“I’ll blow your goddamn head off.” Ash’s expression is demonic, eyes intent on murder as he hisses the words.

The guard balks, knowing he’s outclassed. “Now, now kid, hear me out! He threw a glass at me! He was going to start a fight!”

Unconcerned, Ash scoffs. “And what? You thought you’d kill him for something like that? Typical lazy fuck who just wants to throw his weight around.”

“You’ve got a fucking gun pointed at me right now- you’re one to talk shit!”

A sinister chuckle slips from Ash. “Talk shit? You must be new here.”

Before he can shoot the bastard in the face, Shorter emerges to stand in between both parties. Sing stands scowling a little way behind him, Dragon Fang armed. “Okay, okay. Before we make any more stupid life choices. What the fuck’s going on?”

The guard moves to point accusingly at Eiji before Ash’s glare has him reverse course. He folds his arms instead.

“Kid wanted to leave out the back door, I told him no and he caught an attitude.”

Shorter looks down at the shivering Eiji.

“Eiji, what happened?” he whispers gently. “What did he say to you?”

Mortified, Eiji hides his red face behind a large blue sleeve. The guard is clearly not telling the full story, but Shorter has enough sense to drop it. “Open the door,” he commands. “Now.”

The guard is spurred into action when Ash clicks the gun, and quickly tosses the door open. Eiji sprints past the man and out, followed close behind by Shorter. Ash slowly saunters past the guard, stepping over the glass. The gun is still pointed directly at the guard’s face. He’s not nearly enough of a threat to warrant it, but Ash feels the need to overcompensate a little. Likes to see the fear of God trembling in his eyes.

“Someone should probably clean that up.” He murmurs, gesturing at the glass, then back to his members. The guard misses the double meaning, but his boys do not. Ash has full expectations that the man needs to be scooped off the ground after they finish beating the tar out of him. The door closes on the desperate man as they move closer to him, Dragon Fang’s wire wrapping around his throat and yanking him away.

Shorter stands over Eiji, face uncharacteristically serious.

“What the hell, Eiji?” He’s not angry, but his voice holds a frustrated concern. “Why didn’t you just come back? Why’d you have to start a fight?”

“I don’t know! I just got so upset…”

“You could have asked for help!”

“I-I didn’t-”

Ash furiously grabs Eiji by his shirt and yanks him forward.

“You could have gotten yourself killed! That man was ready to shoot you! What would I have done if you- without you, I-” he pauses in his anger, biting off the last question. “Where were you even going? If you were ready to leave you could have just told me! How could you be so stupid, Eiji? This is why I-” This is why I’m scared to let you go!

Tears are streaming down Eiji’s face, and he grasps at Ash’s hands. “I get it! I’m useless! Now get off me! Leave me alone!”

Ash jerks backward at the broken wail, watching as Eiji crumbles to the ground and begins to sob uncontrollably. He vacillates above him, unsure of how he can help.

“No, wait- Eiji don’t cry, I didn’t mean it like that, I-”

It’s too late. Eiji is curled in on himself, wails muffled. Ash’s expression falls in shame.

“Oh, fantastic job- truly, way to fucking handle the situation, Ash.” Sarcasm and disdain drip from Shorter as he nods to himself, trying to keep calm. “Okay, okay- he’s having a panic attack. No use pushing while he’s this upset. I’ll go grab your keys so we can take him home.”

Half an hour later, they manage to get a hysteric Eiji into the car, past the curious onlookers inside of the building complex, and up to the condo. On Shorter’s suggestion (“Nadia soaks when she’s stressed so I’m pretty sure it works”) Ash fills up the tub with comfortably hot water, pouring in some of the eucalyptus mint bubble bath that Eiji had happily suggested for them both on a trip to the store. Eiji shakes silently on the bed, eyes glued to the floor. Biting his lip, Ash attempts to break through the tension.

“I ran a bath for you.” No shit, Ash. “Um… you should go soak. Do-” His cheeks burn, but he continues. “Do you need my help with clothes, or-”

With a whimper, Eiji stands up and slips past him. Ash flinches when the door slams, the rejection clear.  

Before Shorter leaves, he meets him at the front door to conspire. The frown he’s giving Ash reminds him of Max- very parental and very annoying. He rolls his eyes and pouts, but knows he deserves the mini talk that’s coming.

“You know you fucked up?”

“You don’t have to tell me.” He’s already berating himself as it is.

“Good. Here’s the deal. I’m going to leave him to you, Ash. I gotta see how they’re handling things back at the bar. Please use your kid gloves with this; you know, gentle, don’t shout at him. Something’s clearly been eatin’ at him, and he adores you so try not to keep bein’ an asshole.”

While normally the insult would warrant a sharp retort, instead Ash slams a hand into his eyes, groaning.

“Ugh. I know. Tonight was supposed to help him feel better, but it didn’t work.”

“Yeah. Go make everything better, lover boy. Let me know how it goes in the morning, okay? I’ll bring your keys back then.”

“Got it.”

When the door closes behind Shorter, Ash falls to his knees, putting his head in his hands. Comforting people isn’t exactly his strong suit, but Eiji needs him to step the hell up right now. It’s frustrating, because Eiji rarely asks his help in this sort of situation; usually it’s the opposite. What does he do for me? Ash wracks his brain, thinking of all the small things that Eiji does to make him feel better on a bad day. It only leaves him more pained, feeling like he’s been taking advantage of Eiji’s kindness and not being properly thankful for it. A checklist pops up in his head. He’s already got the bath going, so that’s done. Next, chamomile tea with honey, set on the nightstand. Fresh, clean pajamas- he knows Eiji’s favorite is the stupid cartoon bird set, and he lays it out neatly- just for him. He grabs a face rag from the closet and soaks it in some ice water to place on his forehead. It’s when he’s in the middle of searching for the Tylenol and a thermometer when he comes across a blue bottle full of pills.

Lexapro. Depression meds.

Ash purses his lips. Eiji’s never told him anything about these- not that he’s obligated to, but he can’t help but worry that Eiji specifically didn’t want him to know.

Aw, Eiji. I know this has all been hard. I’m so sorry I didn’t consider this.

Just another reason for Ash to let him go when everything was safe. This life was unhealthy for everyone, let alone for the innocent, and it was only aggravating Eiji’s mental state. A few minutes later, he enters the bedroom and sees Eiji curled up in bed, sipping the tea and wearing the PJs. Ash swoops in with a thermometer, popping it into his mouth. When it beeps, he pulls it out and frowns.

“99.8°F- er, 37.6°C, for you. You’re running hotter than you were earlier.” When Eiji’s finished sipping from the mug, Ash slips it away.

“Stay in bed for the next few days and take it easy, huh old man? Leave the battles with the establishment to me?” He presses him down onto the bed after giving him the Tylenol, gently placing the cool rag onto his forehead before squeezing his hand.

It’s a little disturbing how compliant Eiji is being; normally he’d try to convince Ash that he was okay or be generally stubborn. Instead, he simply gives a limp grimace, avoiding Ash’s eyes, and meekly follows directions.

For a few moments they both sit there, silently, and unmoving. Eiji staring away, eyes exhausted; Ash staring straight at him, full of concern, unsure of what more to do without seeming false. So much that needs to be said hangs in the air, and it’s entirely too heavy for one night.

“I’m sorry for yelling-”

“Ash, I’m-”

They pause, and finally, Ash sighs. “I just wanted to say I’m sorry for yelling at you earlier. I was an asshole, and you didn’t deserve that.” You deserve better. “Get some rest. We’ll talk in the morning.”

Before he can move away, a gentle hand grasps at his arm.

“I’m sorry for ruining tonight, Ash. Please forgive me, I don’t know what came over me, I just got so upset, and I-”

He squeaks as a hand presses over his mouth. “Hey, shh, it's okay. Don’t worry about anything else right now. You didn’t ruin anything. I need you to get some rest. Okay?”

Eiji looks down, seemingly gathering nerve, then back up. “Stay with me?”

How could Ash refuse him one night when Eiji had already promised him forever?

“All right. I’m going to shower, then I’ll jump in.”

Eagerly nodding, Eiji gives him the second real smile of the night.

By the time Ash returned, Eiji restlessly shifted under the covers, eyebrows pinched. The moment he laid down, firm arms wrapped around him and instantly relaxed. It was a little awkward at first, the touch causing him to stiffen, but eventually Ash softened into the affection. Heart full, he fell asleep more securely than he’d felt in a long time.

The pink orange sunrise beams into the room, slips under Ash’s eyelids and pries them open. He doesn’t want to get up, and for the first time in his memory it’s not due to backbreaking exhaustion or a burning disgust at the world he’ll have to face that day.

It’s because of the warm, soft body cuddling around him, sighing contentedly. Ash hopes Eiji didn’t have bad dreams, and his smiling face is glowing so things might just be okay. An annoying buzz causes him to grimace, and he snatches his phone off the pillow.

Shorter: up early, had business

Shorter: i’m up, you up

Shorter: Eiji all better?

Me: Still need to talk to him.

Shorter: sure. i’ll drop your keys off in a few hours

Me: K

Shorter: rock Eiji’s world 😉

Stretching, Ash untangles himself from Eiji and tucks him back in, feeling his forehead. No fever. Good.

Me: stfu

Me: I’m ordering him food though

When Eiji’s eyes flutter open, he’s shocked to find he’s… well rested. His muscles are loose, his body sunken into the warm mattress, mind fuzzy. There were no nightmares, instead just quiet, watercolor dreams. Smiling, he rolls over onto the sheets and inhales deeply.

Ash.

The space is still warm, with Ash’s clean, utilitarian scent. Happy tears pool in Eiji’s eyes at the grace that Ash showed him; squeezing him tight when he needed it, blocking out the pain. The happiness is followed by a small sorrow that Ash has left him here alone again, but he suppresses it. He should be grateful; Ash took precious time that he could have used for anything else and spent it with him. Eventually, with a sigh, he gets up out of bed and washes up.

I don’t want to change out of my pajamas. But I can make tea and toast this morning! It’s a start!

It almost seems silly to be happy at the idea of making such a small breakfast, but Eiji sees it as a sign that things are getting a little better. When he enters the main area, he’s shocked to see Ash still in the apartment. He’s talking to Bones and Kong, who jump like they’ve been busted, and then smile sheepishly.

“All right, get going,” Ash commands them. “He’ll still be here later.”

“Yes, boss!”

A delicious smell floats through the room, and Eiji’s eyes sparkle with delight as he sits on the floor and takes in the spread on the table. Rice, miso, salmon koji and some mixed fruit are neatly placed, with a cup of tea steaming on the side. Lifting the cup, he wafts the steam toward his nose- jasmine green tea.

“Mmm.” The light, soothing smell is lovely, and a pleased smile spreads across his face.

Without invitation he helps himself, his hunger becoming more apparent as he chews. Ash sprawls on the couch across from him, watching carefully as he sips from a water bottle.

“Didn’t order any natto; couldn’t bring myself to have something so horrible in this house again.”

Eiji puffs his filled cheeks at the smirk on Ash’s face. He likely looks like an angry chipmunk, not intimidating at all.

“It is fine.” He pops a strawberry slice into his mouth. “This is a very light meal, just what I needed. Where did you order it from? It’s wonderful!”

“I searched around all morning, sent Bones and Kong to get it. Can’t remember the name, but the menu’s in the kitchen. The tea was specially suggested, so I hope you like it.”

“I love it, Ash. Thank you.”

The warmth in his voice leaves a happy blush on Ash’s cheeks, and he mutters under his breath as he turns to his phone. When Eiji is finished eating, Ash places something on the table. Eiji’s heart drops as he recognizes the blue bottle. Peering from under his lashes, he waits for the judgment on his weakness to come, but Ash seems unperturbed.

“Take it now,” he comments blithely. “You need something on your stomach. I hope you haven’t been taking them without.”

Eiji’s jaw drops, but he reaches forward for the bottle. “I know how to consume properly, unlike you and your juice straight from the carton.”

It’s been a gorgeous morning, light and breeze filtering in through the curtains, and Eiji hates to break the tentative paradise that it’s been. However, he knows that what happened last night can’t be brushed under the rug, and he twitches at the lock of the phone.

“So… what’s been up, Eiji? I know I haven’t been the most available, but you have me for all today. Barring emergencies. I promise.”

The well-intentioned start leaves Eiji chuckling, the tension leaving his shoulders.

“What website did you read that off of?”

He’s hit the mark; Ash’s eyes narrow.  

“Never mind where I found it! This is about you!”

It’s so wonderfully sweet, and Eiji sighs before looking at his fingers. “I don’t know where to begin.”

“Well…you once told me to just start. So…start wherever you want. Take it slow.” Ash moves from the couch, sitting next to Eiji on the floor.

“Um, okay… I’ve been depressed for a long time, I think. I told you why I came to America, about my pole-vaulting accident, yes? Well, it was before that.”

Eiji pulls his knees to his chest, wrapping his arms around himself. It’s hard to talk about it, and he doesn’t really want to, but he wants to open to Ash the way Ash has opened to him.

“I suppose I could start with my parents. My father has liver disease, which is only made worse by his drinking. I think he is depressed too, and drinks to suppress his emotions. I don’t know what happened in his past, but I know it must not be good things. My…my mother was not faithful to my father for a couple years. They don’t have a very fulfilling marriage; I do not understand it myself... One day I walked in…on her. And her lover. It was…it was not a very good day.”

Silence lingers as Eiji pauses, letting the memories slip back into the recesses of his mind.

“But I told myself that I had to step up, you know? No matter what my parents’ individual issues were, I am still required to be a dutiful son, and more importantly, a dutiful older brother. No matter how suffocating it may be. So, I did. I played my role. I took care of my sister, I turned my eyes from my mother, I visited my father. For years, I did that. Until that day.”

His voice catches, tears burning as they fall onto his shirt. A warm hand on his shoulder makes him gasp, and he turns to see Ash’s caring expression. Eiji gives him a cracked smile and continues, wiping his tears.

“That day, I finally argued with my mother. I was not a child anymore- I was in college. I didn’t like how she spoke to me. I was headed out, which was inconvenient to her, but I was going to go to that practice, and she was going to have to deal with that. It took me a lot to express how I was feeling. I got older, and I was learning new ideas. That I could feel, could express. So, I did. It felt good, or so I thought.”

After another long pause, Ash gently probes Eiji to continue. “What happened?”

“She-” Eiji grimaces, laughing darkly. “She told me that I needed to be a better role model for my sister, and to not be so blatantly disrespectful to an elder. I did not appreciate her hypocrisy. I shouted ‘oh, you’re one to talk! What kind of mother have you been?’ She slapped me.” He lightly touches his cheek. “I remember now that she seemed very sad about it, very sorry, but at the time I was not feeling very forgiving. So, I turned and left. I knew I would do or say something I would regret if I stayed.”

“Wow.” Disbelief and fury struggle in Ash’s expression. “The nerve of these adults, huh? Wow.”

“Anyway, I was at practice, and I was distracted. And well…” Eiji offhandedly gestures at his ankle. “It was a very bad time afterwards. I did not speak much for a long time. My mother and I sort of reached a peace, but to this day we have not sat down and fully discussed our issues. Then one day, Ibe came back into my life, and eventually offered me the chance to come to America. To come here, to you.”

Eiji’s eyes are soft as he lands on Ash, before they fall again.

“But now, I worry about you. My dreams- my nightmares- they haunt me. I am disappointed in myself, and by the idea that I am not strong enough to stand by your side. That I am not standing by you at all. It hurts my heart to not be able to be by your side when you’re out there. I am sick every night with the fear that you might not come back. That it might even be my fault. I want to contribute more, then I can stop feeling so guilty for being here, for feeling sad for myself, especially when your life has been so harsh.”

The story is not at all what Ash expected. True, it’s not as gory or as disgusting as some of the things he’s witnessed or experienced. However, the idea that Eiji held so much hidden behind a smiling face leaves him unnerved. 

“Is it okay for me to say something?”

“Yeah,” Eiji sniffles. “It’s fine. I am done. Thank you for letting me speak.”

“No problem. Can I-?” The intense need he has to hold Eiji is unnatural for him, and he sees that reflected in Eiji’s unsure eyes.

“Are you sure?”

Ash’s face is hot, but he persists. “Just come here.”

It’s worth it when Eiji gives him the warmest, most blessed look, curling into Ash’s side and laying his head in the crook of his neck.

“I’m proud of you, you know? I don’t care what anybody else thinks. Especially for telling me all of that. You’re allowed to feel all of that and it’s okay. You can’t help having depression, and you can’t help that this situation isn’t helping.”

Eiji’s eyes widen, and he glances up at Ash. “You don’t have to say-”

“No, I do. And I am. I don’t know who gave you the idea that you didn’t belong here. Tell me who and I’ll kick their ass.”

“Well, you told me numerous times that I don’t belong here and should leave. So, I look forward to seeing how you will pull off that ass kicking.”

Scowling, Ash covers Eiji’s smug expression, enjoying the resulting giggles. “Okay, you smug bastard. That’s always been for your safety. Not- not because I didn’t want you here. Eiji, you- you mean a lot to me. I just don’t want you to get hurt. And that’s not because I think you’re weak, or that you’re not good enough. I just…” Frustrated, Ash perseveres. “If anything, I think you’re too good for me. I hate that you came all the way here, trying to escape the bullshit they put you through at home, just to fall into my mess. I’m sorry. Sorry for making you worry, sorry for putting you in danger, for stressing you out more than you ever needed to be.”

“Ash-”

“And you’re very strong. Within 24 hours of meeting me, you watched multiple people violently die, and ran with it. You saved me and Skip’s life selflessly, without ever considering what I could do in return. You literally put your own trauma about pole-vaulting to the side to make sure we could get help.”

“But Skip didn’t live.”

“That wasn’t your fault.” Ash’s eyes darken. “None of the things you’ve been through since you got here are what anyone could consider normal. You were supposed to interview us, then go… look at the Statue of Liberty or something. Be a tourist. Instead you became close with two of New York City’s most fearsome gang bosses. Traveled across the country in a truck bed. Survived a shootout with military grade weaponry. Everything that happened with Golzine, Arthur and Yut-Lung- you’ve taken a lot in stride. It’s almost bizarrely strong, Eiji.”

He pauses when he feels Eiji shaking in his arms. “Are you sure, Ash? Just because I survived those things does not make me helpful to you.”

“Eiji, I’m happy you survived. You surviving is helpful to me. That’s really all I’d ever want from you, is to live, and to be happy. I’d do anything to make sure nothing harmed you. I like having you here. I like coming home to you.”

Eiji’s sitting up now, beaming. “Oh, Ash! Really? That was so sweet! I love that!”

“Hmph. Don’t make me say it again.”

Humming happily, Eiji snuggles back into Ash’s lap.

“I like this, being so close to you.” He murmurs. “I slept very well last night, too. I was happy you were there.”

Ash can concur. Eiji only sleeps one bed away, and yet on the nights that his nightmares are especially bad he’s there to soothe him. Last night he didn’t have any nightmares at all.

“Well, we could always just keep up that arrangement. Seems to work well for us both.”

“You think so?”

Ash shrugs. “I sleep better when you’re around.” He doesn’t want the statement to showcase just how intense his feelings are, but Eiji seems to catch on anyway, squeezing him tightly. After a moment Ash leans his head down on top of Eiji’s, and they sit there content in the silence. Finally, Eiji murmurs something almost unintelligible into Ash’s shirt.

“Ai shiteru yo.”

“What?”

Eiji’s color darkens when he realizes he’s been heard, from red to almost puce, and Ash shakes him a little bit.

“What? You okay? What, did you insult me? And after all that, too! I’m joking! Eiji, breathe!”

Choking out gasps, Eiji turns away.

“No wait, now I’m curious, onii-chan! Tell me!”

After a couple moments of pushing, Eiji finally breaks.

“It means ‘I love you!’”

It feels like the ground has been swept from under Ash’s feet, but when Eiji’s expression begins to fall he quickly reorients himself.

“You do?”

“Aslan.” His voice is reproachful, insulted by the implication that he would be joking. “Those are very intense words. I’m…embarrassed that I let them slip so lightly. But yes.”

“I-” Ash wants to say it back. God knows he wants to. But the words aren’t coming. It’s just three simple fucking words! “Eiji, you should know I-”

Eiji saves him from bumbling by bringing their foreheads together. “It’s okay, Ash. I know. If you are by my side, I’ll never question it. I’m kind of glad it’s out now.”

It’s a relief, but Ash feels like he’s copping out. One day he’ll say it back. And he’ll show Eiji how he feels every day. He takes Eiji’s face in his hands, gently thumbing his cheeks and lips.

It’s asking for permission.

Eiji nods, and Ash brings their lips together. The kisses are short and gentle; hesitant at first, not sure if the other is truly okay with it. When Eiji moans blissfully, Ash has a small moment of panic. He’s worried about his past, upset with how he knows just how to kiss pleasurably and professionally. And yet, his heart is filled to bursting with so many emotions. He burns with yearning, a long-held desire to hold and be held the way Eiji grips onto his arms. He wants to dive into the warmth and comfort that Eiji provides, the world that could be his if he only opened his heart.

“Ash?” Eiji murmurs with concern, pulling back a little.

“Is this okay, Eiji?”

“Is what okay?”

“This? Us?”

Eiji cocks his head to the side. “Yes, it’s fine, I feel amazing- what-”

Craving, Ash surges back in, and when Eiji wraps his arms around his neck he decides that he wants to be a little irresponsible. He wants to leave Eiji breathless. So, he slips in a few sensual tricks of the tongue, filthy and unyielding.

Breathing heavily, Eiji pulls away again, placing a finger on Ash’s lips.

“Are you sure you’re okay, Ash? I don’t want to upset you, and I can see we- ahem. Well, I can see we have gone very far.”

Ash gives a rare, wide smile full of relief. Of course, Eiji is on the same page. Yes, he’s a little nervous, but he’s surprised at how happy he is as well.

“You’re adorable. You really love me, huh?” His voice is full of wonder, gazing at Eiji. “Somebody like you?”

Eiji’s smile is equally stunning. “Yes, I do. Somebody like you.”

“Hm.” Deciding to tease a little bit, Ash shifts position so that Eiji is now pressed up against him. He knows what he’s doing, and he’s successful when Eiji gasps on contact of their hips. What does surprise him is that the gasp travels straight down to his groin, and Ash is itching to do something about it.  

“Ash, I think that if you don’t want to do anymore, we should stop now.”

“A little pent up, onii-chan? I can handle that.”

Eiji grimaces. “Please do not call me that when we are doing this,” he rasps. Ash moves his lips to Eiji’s shoulder, biting down, relishing the resulting cry.

“Doing what? What are we doing, Eiji?”

“Ash!”

“Would you be-” Ash pauses, giving Eiji a serious look. “Are you interested, in doing a little more? If not, we can stop.”

Eiji returns the serious look, though it’s a bit hampered when he also looks heated, skin covered in a sheen of sweat.

“I would be fine. Would that be okay with you, Ash? Would you like that?”

Overwhelmed, a fervently nodding Ash can only draw Eiji to his feet and to their bedroom.

Eiji feels weightless in the tub, floating in his own bubbly euphoria. They didn’t go all the way earlier, but a wonderfully patient Ash still insisted that Eiji soak and well- he’s in no state of mind to refuse. Ash sits cross-legged on the mat next to him, reading updates and furiously texting. In a silly game, he keeps peeking over the edge of the tub, waiting for Ash to lock eyes, and then dips back into the water. In return, Ash gives him the most adoring, goofy grin. It’s so soft, and Eiji is enamored with it. It almost feels unreal, that his feelings are returned.

“Hm, good.” Ash comments offhandedly.

Eiji leans out of the tub. “What’s up?”

“The guys are still worried about you. They all think that guy yesterday was a jerk, and they also beat the shit out of him. But he’s not dead, which is also good.”

“Ash! They didn’t have to do that!” Eiji doesn’t want to laugh at the man’s misfortune (as rude as he was), but Ash’s unapologetic pout leaves him cackling. Ash’s expression softens at the laughter, and he leans against the side of the tub.

“It feels like you haven’t really laughed in a long time. I missed it.”

After he calms down, Eiji becomes thoughtful. “I feel bad. I want to invite them over tonight, make them cookies, let them know I’m okay.”

“That’s fine. I’ll see what I can do.”

“Maybe even send cookies for the security guard?”

“Fuck no. Only you would want to send a gift after having a guy beat up.”

“I didn’t order anything.”

Scoffing, Ash mimics throwing something. “You threw a glass at his head.”

“…Well, I just feel bad.”

Ash rolls his eyes and turns away. “He’ll live. Anyway, I need to text Shorter. He still hasn’t brought back my car.”

“Hmmm…” Giving Ash his biggest, most innocent doe eyes, Eiji pouts. “Ash, when they come over…”

He lightly traces a finger up Ash’s arm, and to his ear, leaning in to whisper.

“Can I keep on my NoriNori pajamas?”

Ash keels over, clutching his stomach as he wheezes laughter.

“Yes, you can keep on your NoriNori pajamas. I’ll make sure they don’t tease you for that hideous bird.”

“Yes, because only you can do that, right?”

“Of course.”

Reaching out, Eiji pulls Ash’s face forward to rub their noses together, before leaning in for a kiss.

Me: Shorter where tf is my car

Me: Shorter wtf

Me: I’m going to kick your ass

Shorter: oh look who it is  

Shorter: hello there angel eyes

Shorter: i indeed still have your vehicle

Me: ugh

Me: Eiji wants everyone over tonight; wants to say thank you

Me: he made cookies

Me: and he’s really fucking happy about it

Shorter: i am listening respectfully

Me: [Delighted Eiji & large tray of cookies]

Shorter: awesome!

Me: so bring my fucking car back

Me: and come see him

Shorter: oh Eiji, Eiji. sweet Eiji.

Shorter: boy’s got you whipped, huh

Shorter: he is too good for this world

Shorter: for him, i will risk your wrath

Me: wth are you even talking about

Me: cut the bs and bring me my shit

The condo is filled with laughter as Eiji makes sure everyone is plied with cookies, cocoa, and other drinks, along with numerous unnecessary apologies. Ash hides a small smile as he watches Bones and Kong affectionately tease Eiji.

“I didn’t know ya had it in ya! Startin’ a fight like that!” Kong seems very proud as he bites into a chocolate chip cookie. “Though you do fight the boss, so I’m sure that guy was nothin’.”

“One day we’ll upgrade ya’. First whiskey glasses, next throwin’ knives.” Bones snickers at his own joke, but a sharp look from Ash makes him yelp and he hides his face in his cocoa mug.

“I don’t think that will be necessary,” Eiji comments lightly, mildly embarrassed. The doorbell rings, and he turns, but Ash is already standing up.

“I got it. It should be Shorter and Sing.” He’s proven right when the door opens to Shorter’s wide smile and a grouchy Sing crouching underneath his arm. Ash nods at Sing, noticing that he straightens up immediately.

“Sup, Sing. Eiji made you some sugar cookies special, since he knows you don’t like chocolate chip.”

“Excellent!” Eyes sparkling, Sing tosses off Shorter’s arm with a huff, kicks off his shoes and runs into the main room. Ash only stands back enough to let Shorter enter the foyer and folds his arms. The knowing, bastard expression on Shorter’s face doesn’t lessen as he takes his shoes off, and Ash just knows bullshit’s afoot.

“Hand over my keys, jackass.”

“Oh, right. Your keys.” The sarcasm barely hides laughter as Shorter drops the keys into Ash’s palm. Before he can turn away, Shorter yanks Ash into his side.  

“So! When I stopped by here earlier to drop off these keys, somebody didn’t come get them. But that’s not the craziest thing I witnessed here today!”

Despite the teasing, Ash is immediately disconcerted. “What? What did you see?” Is there something in the complex? Spies? A secret door? Shorter’s Cheshire grin widens.

“Well, it’s insane, really. I think you have a ghost admirer. When I opened the door, there was this high, lilting voice, moaning ‘Ash, Ash’.”

Jaw dropped in mortification, Ash blushes a bright pink before scowling furiously. “Oi, shut the fuck up, Shorter! It’s none of your business!” That he had been so distracted that he hadn’t heard Shorter enter the condo was a problem that he would certainly dwell on later. But at the time of, he was utterly consumed with Eiji, his chocolate eyes filled with tears of pleasure as he’d gasped and writhed beneath-

“Ooh, the look on your face right now! Luckily, I figured it was nothing and I put my headphones back in and walked out.” Shorter’s nonchalance is a testament to how strong their relationship is, because a flustered Ash can’t command his way out of this one. Not that he won’t try.

“Just close your fucking mouth and never bring this up again,” he hisses. “Especially not in front of Eiji.”

“Whatever you say, Ash.” The teasing grin softens into a genuine smile. “I’m happy for you both, really. He’s really good for you.”

Grumbling, Ash turns and walks back into the main room, plopping back into his spot on the couch. Eiji and Sing are in an animated conversation about something, Eiji truly listening and validating what Sing is discussing. The adoration in Sing’s eyes glows as he munches into a cookie like it’s a lifeline. It’s precious, and Ash isn’t threatened; he won’t fault the kid his taste. So long as you don’t overstep, kid.

Eiji’s happiness only increases when Alex pops open a cider for him (“oh, it’s a rosé flavor! Very sweet!”) He also hands one to Ash along with the bottle opener, but for some reason it doesn’t seem to be working for him. Frustrated, he pops the lid off and throws the opener against the table. Everyone else freezes, but Eiji only scowls.   

“Stop that, Ash! Do you have no manners?!” He pouts down at the dent in the table. “Oh, my poor table!” He turns to Ash in a small fury, hands on hips. “How would you like it if I banged you on the table?”

Poorly concealed snickering from Bones and Kong help distract a clueless Eiji from Ash’s tomato red gawk. Alex snorts his beer through his nose, turning away to hide his smile and clean himself up, and Sing squeezes his hands over his ears (“lalalalala-”). Meanwhile Shorter wickedly grins from the floor where he holds his own beer up in a toast.

“I’m sure you’d both love it, considering what I heard when I got here earli-”

He doesn’t get the chance to finish that statement before Ash tackles him, leaving Eiji astonished as they laugh and scream on the floor.

“Ash!”

“Yup, that’s about what I hea-”

“You childish purple fuck- shut up!”

Tears running down his face, Alex surreptitiously pulls out his phone to record, which makes Ash dart away from Shorter.

“That’s it! Everybody get out of my house!” he roars. Everyone goes quiet, until Eiji begins to giggle and kisses Ash on the cheek.

“Don’t be so mean, Aslan,” he coos.

“Yeah, don’t be so mean, Aslan.” Shorter chortles from the floor, glasses askew. Ash twitches to stomp Shorter in his crotch but Eiji gently turns his face back.

“I want them to stay. I’m happy you invited them. Thank you very much.”

Eiji’s warm smile grounds him, and Ash immediately swears to himself that he will always take time out of his day to make sure he smiles like this.

“You melt in his hands like putty!” Shorter happily sighs. “The great boss Ash Lynx, a little pussycat! Eiji, how do you do it? I mean, look at this picture!” Alex holds the phone up. Ash hates pictures and is ready to demand it deleted, but then he actually looks. Eiji smiles at Ash with eyes bubbling with love, but it’s Ash’s expression that leaves him shook. His eyes are indulgent, full of adulation, a small, relaxed smile lifting his lips.

“Oh, I love it…can I keep it, Ash?”

Ash grimaces, turning away from the “awws” of the rest of the room. “Whatever. But only you. Alex has to delete the shit once it’s sent. Immediately.” He lets a little ‘Boss’ enter his tone as he cuts a side glance, and Alex follows command.

When the others finally leave, they cuddle on the couch for some random action movie. It’s clear Eiji’s no longer paying attention to, petting Ash instead.

“Ash, love, must you critique everything they do?” Eiji teases, running his fingers lightly through loose blond strands and over soft lips curled in a knowing grin.

“Well, when you actually know how to shoot and fight, you learn that some of these movies are just trash, Eiji. It’s personal.”

Humming in assent, Eiji closes his eyes and rests his head on Ash’s chest, and Ash can’t help the warm rush of contentment. Realistically, he knows that in the morning, things will go back to normal; that he’ll meet up with his men and continue to plot the course of war. He knows that one day, somewhere in his nebulous future, he will have to send Eiji back home- and he’s not sure if his heart is ready for that.  

But right now, he’s at peace, he’s happy, and he’s cocooned in unconditional love- invaluable, irreplaceable, and all he could have ever wished for.

The movie is ending when Ash hears quiet snoring and looks down to see Eiji smushed face down into his chest. Gently tilting Eiji’s head to the side for comfort, Ash shifts just enough to pull a soft blanket over them both before setting an alarm and then closing his own eyes.

They stand far apart in a vast golden field of wheatgrass, the warm wind blowing softly across the silent plains. The wind carries soft, bubbly laughter that caresses Ash’s ears. Though the sun gleams onto his skin, lighting him up like a celestial being, all he can see is the glowing aura cast around Eiji’s broad shadow. Smiling freely, Eiji slowly lifts his arms out wide, patiently waiting for Ash to rush into them.

When they collide, it’s powerful beyond anything the other has ever felt. It’s creation, it’s safety, it’s hope, it’s life, it’s love-

It’s home.