“Do you see him, Al?”
Alphonse Elric shook his head. “Not yet, Brother.”
His brother Edward sighed, tapping his foot impatiently. “The one time we’re early and Mustang just has to be late. Figures.”
The pair stood on one of the boarding platforms in East City’s bustling train station, anticipating their imminent departure. They had their tickets and luggage with them and were ready to board their train. There was just one problem—they were supposed to be traveling with their superior officer, Colonel Roy Mustang, and he hadn’t shown up yet. Al, standing close to two feet taller than his brother in his suit of armor, had been scanning the crowds of people for a good while already. So far, there was no sign of him.
Al turned to look at Ed. “Are you sure he said he was going to meet us here?”
Ed crossed his arms. “Of course, I’m sure. He told me this morning when we left the hotel that he had stuff to finish up at Eastern Command and then he’d meet up with us at the platform before we boarded.”
Al glanced back to their train as more passengers, a couple of men and a family with three kids, handed their tickets to the porter and stepped up into the open car. “Well, the train leaves in ten minutes. Do you think he lost track of time?”
“I don’t know,” Ed grumbled, “but if we miss this train because of him, I’m gonna kick his ass. There isn’t another one for three days.”
Al sighed, gazing up to the mid-morning sunlight filtering in through the glass panels in the station’s roof. “I knew we should’ve all gone there together.”
“If we did, we would’ve just been waiting around for Mustang the whole time. Not exactly my idea of fun.”
“It’s not like we had anything better to do. All we did was wander around the city for a few hours.”
Ed shrugged. “It beat being stuck inside a stuffy office all morning. Besides, I figured it’d be nice if we got in a little downtime before we return to Central.” He leaned back, stretching his arms out over his head with a grunt of effort. “These last few weeks were exhausting.”
“I’ll say.” Even though Al didn’t have a body and couldn’t physically feel tired, their work had been draining nonetheless.
Several weeks prior, a massive electrical fire had ravaged the main complex of Eastern Command, destroying a major part of the base and causing heavy casualties. Operations had ground to a halt and though they had teams scrambling around the clock trying to get things functioning again, the damage was severe and it was clear that it would be months before they could repair everything. They couldn’t afford to be down for that long and so General Grumman had contacted Central and requested alchemical assistance to expedite the process, specifically asking for Roy’s help as well as Ed’s and Al’s if they were available. As it happened, he and Ed were in Central at the time and they both agreed to briefly put their search for the Philosopher’s Stone on hold to go help—Eastern Command had been their home base for three years after all. As for Roy, the higher-ups had been initially reluctant to spare him, but the crisis at the Eastern branch was critical and considering that he had formerly been the chief officer there, he was the logical choice. They put in the order for a temporary transfer and Al, Ed and Roy left for East City.
They arrived to utter chaos. Everywhere, men rushed to and fro, carrying out hundreds of tasks simultaneously, and the three of them quickly got swept up in the flow. Ed had helped the teams still searching for survivors. His assistance proved invaluable to the rescue efforts as he could move debris quickly and efficiently as well as stabilize it at a moment’s notice if it began to shift, keeping the workers safe while they pulled people out of the rubble. Al had joined the repair crews to fix the plumbing and electricity. The exposed, fried wiring posed no danger to him and he helped them get the circuit network and burst pipelines under control. Meanwhile, Roy worked with the officers inside the complex, salvaging what was left of their equipment, furniture, and other inventory. The process went smoothly and after they had the charred debris broken down and cleared out, their focus turned to repair. Using the existing, undamaged parts of the structures as well as some new materials that were brought in, they had the buildings fixed in no time. Of course, it was only a temporary patchwork job, but it was enough to get them back on their feet until they could rebuild the base completely. By then, three weeks had passed and they had helped as much as they could; it was time to return Central.
“Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad we were able to help out, but it’s about time we resume our search for the Stone. It’s been almost a month since our last lead and I’m anxious to get back in the game.”
“Me too.” Al smiled inwardly. His brother was always raring to go, by his side and ready to push forward no matter what. “I think coming out here helped us as well though. We kind of hit a dead end before and it gave us an opportunity to clear our heads.” His voice softened. “Even though we were really busy, you seemed more at ease than you’ve been in a while…and you didn’t have any more of those nightmares.”
A grimace briefly flashed across Ed’s face. “Yeah, guess it was just a fluke, huh, Al?” He shifted uncomfortably, seemingly lost in thought for a moment until the train whistle blew. The porter called for the last passengers to get aboard and Ed glared up at the station’s clock. “There’s only five minutes left. Where is that idiot?”
Al looked around again nervously. “He has to be here. He wouldn’t miss the train.”
“I vote we leave without him.”
“Brother,” Al scolded. “We can’t just leave him behind! At the very least, we have to look for him.”
“I can’t believe this,” Ed muttered. He picked up his traveling trunk and slung it over his shoulder. “You check that side, I’ll check this one.” He pointed in opposite directions, to each wing of the station. “Meet me at the front in two minutes!”
Al nodded. “Right!”
They both took off running. Al weaved his way through the crowds, murmuring apologies every time he jostled someone, and searched the passing faces and the windows of the station’s shops for any sign of the colonel. There was none. He was beginning to panic. Why wasn’t he there? Had something happened to him? Al reached the front of the station and stopped, glancing every which way. Oh, this was a disaster…
“Al!”
Al looked to his right as Ed approached him from the west wing. “Did you find him?”
Ed skidded to a stop. “No, and we’re out of time. We’ll have to—”
“Fullmetal! Alphonse!”
Al and Ed turned at the familiar voice to see Roy emerge from the crowd near the entrance, close to where Ed had just come from. He was running towards them, waving with one hand, his briefcase in the other.
“Colonel!” Al called.
“Now departing, train number 205 to Central,” came the announcement over the station’s intercom system. “Clear the platform.”
“Damn it, come on, Al!” Ed turned on his heel and broke into a run, heading back to the platform. Al followed and he could hear Roy close behind him.
“Hurry up!” Roy shouted. “We have to make it!”
“You’ve got some nerve telling me to hurry up!” Ed yelled back. “Where the hell have you been?”
“I could ask the same of you! Don’t try to turn this on me—it’s not my fault!”
“Well, it’s not mine either!”
Al sighed in frustration. “Worry about whose fault it is later! Let’s just catch the train!”
They turned the corner and the platform came into view. Their train was moving—and already halfway out of the station.
Roy cursed. “We’re too late!”
“It’s leaving without us!” Al cried.
“Oh, no, it’s not!” Ed threw his trunk to the ground and bowed his head, beginning to run faster. He sprinted ahead of them, heading for the end of the platform. “We are not missing this train!”
Knowing Ed was about to do something reckless, Al reached out his hand. “Brother!”
Ed reached the edge of the platform and kicked off into a flying leap, clapping his hands in midair. He landed in a crouch on the tracks and slammed his hands down to the rails. A brilliant, blue light erupted from the point of contact and Al watched as alchemical energy surged along the tracks, heading for the train. The energy hit the locomotive, sparking and crackling along its entire length, and the screech of brakes engaging filled the air. The train began to slow down, gradually losing speed until it came to a complete stop about a hundred meters away.
Al and Roy caught up just as Ed was getting to his feet. Al jumped down to the tracks and ran to his brother’s side. “Brother, that was amazing! Are you all right?”
“Yeah,” Ed replied, slightly winded. “Just fine, Al.”
“What did you do?” Roy asked, his gaze fixed on the train. He sounded anxious, probably thinking over all the potential consequences of alchemically stopping a moving train, but there was also a note of awe in his voice.
Ed turned to face them, hands on his hips. “Simple—I threw the locks on the wheels. That train isn’t going anywhere without us.”
Al knew that the feat had been anything but simple. It was tricky enough to calculate and execute a transmutation when the object being altered was stationary, much less a moving target a hundred meters away. What Ed had just done required intense focus and an extremely precise calculation and though he may have bragged that it was easy, Al didn’t miss the slight sway when he stood up or the way he discreetly wiped the sweat from his brow with his sleeve. He knew it had taken quite a bit of effort to pull that off.
Roy glanced at the crowd of dumbfounded bystanders that had gathered around the platform and then sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. “The station is not going to be happy about this, Fullmetal.”
Ed grinned. “Just call it the emergency brake.”
As Roy had predicted, neither the staff at the station nor the train crew were pleased about the sudden, unexpected stop. After the colonel got done with damage control at the station and Ed had fetched his traveling trunk, the three of them made their way out to the train. They met up with the porter and Ed flashed his pocket watch and apologized for the delay, explaining that they were State Alchemists and couldn’t miss the train as they had very important business to attend to in Central. Roy stepped up then and handed the confused and disgruntled crewman a piece of paper, saying that they were with him. Ed asked what that was all about and Roy told them he’d explain once they were underway. The crewman looked over the paper, grumbling for a moment longer, and then let them on board. Though Ed was confident there was no damage to the train (as he was certain he calculated correctly and there had been no rebound) and told the crew as much, it was still procedure to check over the train. Roy insisted that Ed go and help them and Al went as well. They inspected the cars, checked the engines, and verified the integrity of the wheels and brake systems. Just like Ed had said, there was no damage whatsoever and luckily, no one had been injured either, which Al was relieved to hear. The train was declared sound, the crew fired up the engines again, and they finally resumed their journey, more than an hour behind schedule.
“Great. Just great,” Roy complained as the train left the station behind and entered the city. “Do you know how look it took for me to build up my reputation out here? They’re never going to want to see us again thanks to that little stunt you pulled, and now we’re going to be delayed getting into Central as well. Nice going, Fullmetal.”
“If I hadn’t stopped the train, we would’ve been delayed another three days,” Ed shot back, glaring at Roy. “And you’re one to talk. Al and I were on time—the only reason we almost missed the train is because we were looking for your lazy ass!”
“Where were you anyway, Colonel?” Al asked. “You didn’t meet us at the boarding platform like you said you would.”
A vein in Roy’s temple twitched. “I was in the station’s coffee shop.”
Ed snorted. “So, all this happened because you had to grab a stupid cup of coffee? I know you old guys need your caffeine to stay awake and all, but come on. That’s ridiculous.”
“Not as ridiculous as you might think,” came Roy’s tight reply.
“Whatever.” Hands in his pockets, Ed started to walk away. “Come on, Al. Let’s go find seats.”
Al turned to follow his brother when Roy spoke.
“Wrong way, boys.” He pointed over his shoulder. “We’re traveling in a private compartment this time.”
Ed raised an eyebrow. “Private compartment?”
Roy nodded. “Follow me.”
Al and Ed exchanged a shrug, and then followed Roy to the first passenger car at the front of the train. Unlike the open seating of the other cars, it contained individual compartments reserved for important or wealthy travelers. Roy led them down the corridor, glancing at the numbers on the doors as they went, and then stopped at the last compartment at the end of the hall, labeled ‘No. 1.’
“Here it is.” Roy slid the door aside and they peered in.
“Whoa!” Al exclaimed, taking in the spacious compartment. Like in the other cars, there were two benches facing each other, but the wood they were made of was much nicer and they were lined with a rich, red padding. Fancy, patterned drapes framed the window between the benches, with two small sconces mounted on either side of the curtains, and everything was incredibly clean—even the floor had been polished to a shine. The compartment felt very stately and while he found the aesthetics pleasing, the thing he liked most about it was that it was closed off from the rest of the train. Every time he and Ed traveled somewhere, he got at least several stares from other passengers, ranging from curious to cautious because of his over-sized body. It wasn’t as bad compared to some of the other aspects of living in a suit of armor and he never made a big deal about it, but it did bother him at times. And even if it was just for this once, he would appreciate being able to sit down and read a book without worrying about being stared at. “All this for us?”
Roy gestured inside the cabin. “After you.”
Ed claimed a seat by the window. He stuffed his trunk into the luggage space underneath the bench and then turned to look out the window at the passing scenery, one hand on the glass. Al sat down next to his brother, following his gaze. Already, they had reached the city limits, grey buildings giving way to lush, green countryside. Roy closed the door and took a seat opposite Al, stowing his briefcase under his bench.
“This is wonderful,” Al said. “Isn’t it, Brother?”
“I have to admit, it’s not bad.” Ed leaned back with his arms and legs crossed and looked at Roy. “Did you get a promotion or something?”
“General Grumman arranged it for us. He knew I still had a ton of paperwork to finish,” Roy kicked his briefcase for emphasis, “and after all we did to help them with the crisis, he figured we’d appreciate a comfortable ride back to Central.”
“Well, that was nice of him,” Al replied. “But how come we didn’t know about it?”
“Fullmetal did. Or rather, he should have. I told him this morning, so how he doesn’t know is beyond me.”
Ed narrowed his eyes. “You never told me anything about a change of accommodations. All you said was that we needed to travel together and to meet you at the boarding platform before we got on.”
“That was only half of what I said.” Roy gave a weary sigh. “When were checking out of the hotel, I told you that your tickets had been changed and that the two of you needed to meet me in the coffee shop before boarding so we could discuss the new arrangements. I had our old tickets canceled and refunded last night, and since all three of us were listed as passengers on the new one for this compartment, you were going to have to be with me on the platform to get on the train. I waited at the shop for over an hour, thinking that if you were late getting to the station, at least you’d know where to find me, but you never showed up and I had to go looking for you at the last minute.”
So that was what that paper Roy gave to the porter was—their ticket. And Ed had wanted to leave without Roy—if they had tried to board without him, they wouldn’t have even been able to get on! “Brother! How could you miss something so important?”
Ed held up his hands in defense. “Hey, I’m sorry, okay? I guess I just…didn’t hear him.”
Roy shook his head. “Maybe I shouldn’t have told you as you were running out the door. You were well within earshot though and you did acknowledge what I was saying…”
“Shut up,” Ed grumbled. “It worked out, didn’t it?”
“Seeing as I’m now going to be getting to my office around midnight with close to three hours of paperwork to do upon arrival, then yes, I’d say it worked out fine.”
Ed leaned his head back, casting his eyes up at the ceiling. “If the General was so appreciative of our help, couldn’t he have gotten two compartments? It’s not exactly my idea of fun having to look at your ugly mug all the way back to Central.”
“It was generous enough that he paid for this one,” Roy said, ignoring Ed’s insult. “And technically, he booked it for me, in my name. I didn’t have to put you two down as co-passengers, but I figured it would be safer if we all traveled together. Remember the situation with General Hakuro? There haven’t been any warnings, but you boys attract trouble far too often and the last thing I need is to file yet another incident report.”
“We attract—?” Ed’s jaw dropped. “The only reason Al and I were even in that mess was because you tricked us into that stupid test!”
“I never would’ve ordered you to get on that train if I hadn’t thought you could handle it.” Roy crossed his arms. “And as I recall, that “stupid test” is what helped you get the attention of the Board and earn your State certification. Learn to be grateful when someone does you a favor.”
“Brother…” Al said, trying to get Ed’s attention.
“Take your own advice! All you’ve done is complain about the delay, but I didn’t see you try to stop the train! If it hadn’t been for me, we’d still be stuck in East City! Instead of whining about losing a few extra minutes, be happy we’re leaving at all!”
With his brother completely ignoring him, Al turned to Roy. “Colonel…”
“There wouldn’t have been a delay to complain about if you had just listened properly this morning,” Roy countered, also ignoring Al. “Honestly, Fullmetal, for someone so perceptive, your attention span can be incredibly short.”
Al didn’t even have time to cringe.
“WHO ARE YOU CALLING AN AUTOMAIL SCREW SO TINY IT WOULDN’T EVEN BE NOTICED IF IT WAS MISSING FROM THE MAIN ASSEMBLY?!”
Al sighed. This was going to be a long trip.
Roy pressed the end of the pen in his hand to his temple as he scanned over the contents of another report, trying to ward off the impending headache behind his eyes. It felt like he had read and signed hundreds of these things, and judging by the giant stack of paperwork on the bench next to him, he probably had. He skimmed through the closing paragraph, added his signature to the bottom of the document, and then set it aside and started on the next one.
After spending the rest of the morning bickering with Ed, which had only stopped because Al had gotten sick of listening to it and told them both in a polite—but surprisingly intimidating—tone to shut up, things finally settled down and Roy figured he’d better start the long and tedious process of filling out the remaining paperwork from Eastern Command. Sometime after the train’s first stop, Ed had drifted off to sleep leaning against the window and Al had taken to reading one of the books that he carried around in his armor, allowing Roy the much-needed silence to concentrate. So far, he had made quite a bit of progress, but the words on the pages were starting to blur together and his headache wasn’t helping any. He let out a sigh. In the three weeks they had been at the Eastern branch, he had filled out thousands of these things—never mind the huge stack of leftovers he was currently stuck with—and there was no doubt in his mind that the moment he stepped into his office at Central Command, Lieutenant Hawkeye would bombard him with thousands more that had piled up in his absence.
Stiff from having been in one position for too long, Roy set his pen down and raised his arms above his head, stretching out his sore neck and shoulders. He glanced out the window at the passing mountain scenery and noted that the sun was beginning its descent toward the horizon. He hadn’t realized that it was already so late in the day. He pulled out his pocket watch and checked the time. Half past six, so that meant they were scheduled to arrive in Central in just over five hours. It would have to do.
Roy picked up his pen and was about to resume his work when he heard Al shift. He looked up as the younger Elric stowed the book he had been reading back into his armor and rose to his feet. “Going somewhere?”
“Yeah.” Al looked down at the sleeping Ed. “Brother will be hungry when he wakes up. I had better get something from the dining car.”
“Oh, don’t trouble yourself. I’m sure Fullmetal will go over there whenever he wants.”
“It’s no trouble at all. It’s the least I can do.” Al glanced to his brother again and Roy wondered what he meant, but the opportunity to ask quickly passed. “Besides, I thought I might stop by the observation car first.”
Roy raised an eyebrow. “The observation car? What for?”
“Um…” Al dipped his head and his posture gave Roy the impression that he would’ve been blushing if he had been capable of it. “Actually, I thought I might try sketching the sunset. I didn’t have the opportunity while we were in the East and it seems like it’ll be a beautiful one today.”
Roy followed Al’s gaze out the window. Indeed it did. The sun was almost touching the mountains now and the deep azure of the sky was turning golden, the many scattered clouds lighting up in a brilliant, orange hue. “I didn’t know you were interested in art, Alphonse.”
Al nodded. “I always admired the paintings and stuff we had back in Resembool, but I never really considered creating my own work until Winry suggested it a few months ago.” He shrugged his armored shoulders, chuckling a little. “So far, I’m not very good, but I have been enjoying it. Helps to pass the time, you know?”
Roy smiled slightly. He knew. “In that case, don’t let me stop you. Go.”
Al stepped out into the corridor and then poked his head back into the compartment. “While I’m at the dining car, can I get anything for you, Colonel?”
“No, thanks. I have to finish up these documents, and if I know Fullmetal’s appetite, you’ll have all you can carry just for him. I’ll grab something later.”
“Okay. I’ll be back soon.” Al closed the door behind him and started off down the hall.
Roy listened as the armored footsteps faded away, momentarily preoccupied with his thoughts before his attention returned to the paperwork in his lap. All right. Back to work.
He read through and signed the rest of the reports, reviewed the recommendations and requests for new equipment and supplies from Central, and then finally moved on to the statements. He checked them over—much to his annoyance, several of them were so sloppily written that they needed to be completely revised in order to be remotely understandable—and then set them aside with all the others. There, that was the last of it. He ran his hand down his face. Honestly, if he never saw another piece of paper again, he’d be perfectly fine with it. He stood up and began gathering the documents. By the time he got everything filed away and his briefcase put back under the bench, the last rays of light had left the sky and night had fallen.
Roy turned on the lamp on his side of the window and then sat down and leaned back, not quite able to stifle a yawn. His headache had subsided for the most part, but his neck ached and his eyes felt strained. Maybe he should try to get a bit of rest before they reached Central. It was probably a good idea—as soon as Al returned and Ed woke up, there wouldn’t be another quiet moment until he got in to his apartment. He shifted his legs up onto the bench and laid down, tucking his arm behind his head. He had just made himself comfortable and was thinking about the work he still had to do once he got to his office when a soft moan brought him out of his thoughts.
He opened his eyes and looked over at Ed. The boy was still sleeping peacefully, head resting against the window. Perhaps he had just moved in his sleep. Roy closed his eyes again, trying to relax. After a few minutes, he heard the noise again, and when he looked up this time, he saw that Ed’s expression had become troubled and his hands had clenched into fists by his sides. Roy grimaced. He knew where this was headed, recognized the early signs of a nightmare all too well.
Ed began to toss and turn in his seat, his breath coming in short, heavy gasps, and when he gave a sharp cry, Roy abandoned his attempt at resting and heaved himself up into a sitting position. He watched as Ed’s face contorted, a visible sweat on his brow. Whatever he was experiencing in the dream had to be intense—he looked as though he was actually in pain. Ed twitched as his body attempted to curl in on itself and it was then that his moans turned into soft murmurs.
“…ease…sto…”
“Fullmetal?” Roy leaned closer, trying to make out the words.
“…g-get…away…”
Roy frowned and wondered if he should wake the boy. Despite his distress, Ed still showed no signs of waking on his own, and leaving him at the mercy of the horrors of his unconscious mind for however long it took him to seemed cruel. Roy reached out, intending to gently shake him awake, but just as his fingers brushed Ed’s coat, the boy shifted. Roy pulled back, wary of a potential outburst. He didn’t want to get an automail fist in the face if Ed decided to take a swing at whatever he was seeing in the nightmare. But he didn’t lash out. The only movement he made was with his hands, his palms drawing apart and meeting repeatedly. The gestures were clumsy and misaligned, but Roy recognized them instantly—it was the way that Ed performed alchemy.
He blinked, incredulous at what he was seeing. Was Ed really trying to use alchemy in his sleep? Roy reached out to wake Ed again, but then held back, deciding that he wanted to see how this would play out. He didn’t know what he was expecting. Logically, he knew that there was no way that Ed could actually transmute while asleep. Alchemy could never be done without conscious thought. There were too many variables, the calculations were too complex…it just wasn’t possible. But Ed wasn’t exactly bound by the normal limitations of alchemy, and if he was capable of trying…
Ed let out another groan and he hunched over, one hand gripping his abdomen as if clutching at a wound. His eyes squeezed shut even tighter and he spoke again, his words surprisingly steady despite his ragged breathing. “…this…isn’t over…”
Ed went rigid and an almost-palpable aura of tension gathered around him as his body began to unfold from its defensive position. His breathing slowed as though he were consciously controlling it, and his shoulders squared back as he straightened up in his seat, directly facing Roy.
“Fullmetal?” Roy asked cautiously. “What–”
“…then you’ll have to kill me…” Ed hissed, his tone low and dangerous, “…because you will never take me alive.” As the last word left his lips, determination replaced the pain in his face, and when he clapped his hands this time, palms meeting in perfect alignment, a resounding, metallic ping cut through the air.
Roy’s eyes widened. No way. There was no way that he could pull this off.
Sparks of luminous, blue energy surrounded Ed and Roy watched in equal parts amazement and horror as the boy drew the grill of his automail arm outward, successfully transmuting it into his signature blade. For a moment, Roy was frozen on the spot, in awe of what he had just witnessed. Until he realized that Ed still hadn’t awoken from the nightmare and now had his arm raised, poised to fight a demon that existed only in his mind. Roy tensed. He had seen enough—this had to stop now.
Ed swung out with his blade and Roy dodged the blow, rushing forward and tackling him to the bench. He pinned Ed’s automail wrist against the compartment wall with one hand and roughly shook his shoulder with the other. “Fullmetal, wake up!”
Ed woke with a violent start. Disoriented and still in a terror from the dream, he immediately began to struggle against the hands holding him down. “Let go…let me go!”
Roy only tightened his grip, trying to control the thrashing boy. “Fullmetal! Edward! Calm down!”
At hearing his name, Ed seemed to snap out of it. The fight slowly left him and he looked up at Roy, eyes bleary and glazed. “C-Colonel?” he panted.
“Easy. You were having a nightmare, but it’s over now. You hear me? It’s over.”
Ed got his bearings and his eyes narrowed as he noticed the awkward position they were in. “…the hell are you doing? Get off me!” Ed tried to push him away, but Roy held firm to his wrists.
“No. Not until I’m sure you’re fully lucid and not going to hurt yourself or anyone else.”
“What?” Ed blinked in confusion. “What are you talking about?”
Roy didn’t even know where to begin. “I don’t know how…but you just transmuted in your sleep.”
Ed’s eyes lit up in renewed fear and he immediately looked up at his arm where Roy had it pinned above his head, jolting sharply as he saw the blade. His gaze turned back to Roy, scanning him up and down. “D-did…did I…?”
“You didn’t injure me,” Roy said, catching on to Ed’s line of questioning. “I was able to stop you before you did.”
Ed let out a small, panicked whimper and he squeezed his eyes shut, seemingly trying to calm himself. After a minute, he drew in a deep breath and pushed lightly against Roy’s grip. “Let go. I’ll fix it.”
Roy’s brow furrowed. He couldn’t put his finger on it, but something about Ed’s reaction seemed odd to him. Reluctantly, he released Ed and sat back across from him. Ed clapped and broke the blade down, transmuting it back to its normal state; Roy didn’t miss how much the boy’s hands were shaking.
Ed glanced to the empty space on the seat next to him. “Where’s Al?”
“He went to the observation car,” Roy said carefully. “And then the dining car to get you something to eat.”
Ed nodded absently, turning to stare out the window into the night.
If Roy was confused before, he was completely lost now. “Fullmetal, what just happened?”
“N-nothing. It’s…nothing.”
Roy couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “It’s far from nothing—you just performed alchemy while asleep! That shouldn’t be possible under any circumstances and you’re not even the least bit—” And then it clicked. That’s what was strange. Ed was anxious and tense, but he wasn’t… “—surprised.”
Ed visibly flinched and Roy knew he had struck a nerve.
“Has this has happened before?” When Ed didn’t respond, Roy raised his voice. “Fullmetal, answer me.”
“It’s none of your business, Mustang,” Ed replied tightly. “Just…drop it.”
“No,” Roy snapped, harsher than he meant to, but his shock and Ed’s attitude were getting the better of him. “What you just did was incredibly dangerous and I get the feeling you know what’s going on. I want an explanation—” Ed rose to his feet, heading for the door, and Roy grabbed him by the arm, “–and you’re not leaving until you give me one.”
“Let me go!” Ed rounded on him and Roy didn’t have time to react before the boy’s fist connected painfully with his cheek. Roy released his grip on Ed, falling back to the bench with a groan.
A strangled noise came from Ed and Roy looked up. The boy still had his arm raised in front of him, his chest heaving with shuddering breaths. At first, Roy thought Ed was trembling in anger, but then he caught sight of the wetness in his eyes and he realized that the boy was desperately trying to hold back tears. “Fullmetal–”
“Leave me alone!” Ed threw open the door and just as he rounded the corner into the hall, he smacked right into the returning Alphonse. Surprised by the sudden motion, Al dropped the armful of assorted snacks that he had been carrying, packages and loose food clattering loudly to the floor. Ed stumbled back, nearly being knocked down from the impact.
“Brother!” Al exclaimed. “What’s wrong?”
Ed ducked his head, sidestepping the mess and his brother, and took off at a run down the corridor.
Al whirled around. “Brother!”
Ed didn’t slow down or look back. His pounding footsteps barely paused as he pushed the door to the next car aside and then he was over the threshold, gone from sight.
Al turned to Roy. “What did you do now?”
Roy huffed, annoyed at the accusatory tone. “I didn’t do anything. While you were gone, Fullmetal had a nightmare.” He wiped his cheek, nursing the spot where Ed had punched him. “He wasn’t in the best of moods when he woke up.”
“Oh,” Al murmured. He gave a quiet sigh, looking again in the direction that Ed had run off in, and then knelt down and began gathering the scattered food on the floor.
That confused Roy. Usually, whenever Ed was upset about something and ran off, Al would chase after his brother. “Aren’t you going to go after him?”
Al shook his head. He picked up the snacks, some of them ruined in the fall, and set them down where Ed had been sitting. He closed the compartment door, settling back into his own seat. “No. It’s…better if he’s alone right now.” He studied Roy for a moment. “Your face is starting to swell, Colonel. You should probably get some ice for that.”
“I’ll be fine.” Roy crossed his arms. “I’m lucky that all I have is a bruised lip.”
“What do you mean?”
“During the nightmare, Edward tried to perform alchemy…and succeeded.”
“What?” Al asked in alarm. “Oh no, not again…”
“Again?” The last of Roy’s doubt vanished. “So, I was right. This has happened before.”
“Uh…” Al sounded like he had said something he hadn’t meant to, but it was too late to take it back. His words not only confirmed that there was something going on, but that he knew about it as well. Roy supposed he shouldn’t have been surprised. Al was with Ed all the time—of course he would know the story.
“Alphonse, what is going on with Edward?”
Al hesitated. “I promised I wouldn’t tell. He didn’t want anyone to know.”
“Well, I know now—I saw the whole thing.” Still sensing Al’s reluctance, Roy added, softer, “Normally, I wouldn’t get involved in your personal matters, but I can’t just ignore this. I’m concerned and if your brother is having a problem, I need to know about it.”
Al was silent for a long moment, his soul-fire eyes fixed on Roy. There was a quiet, serious air around the boy and Roy got the feeling that Al was weighing whether he was trustworthy enough to share Ed’s situation with. He knew that the brothers were very protective of each other and that their trust did not come lightly.
“It started a couple of months ago,” Al finally said. “One night, I was reading and Brother began to have a nightmare. At first, I didn’t think anything of it—he has a lot of them—but this time, something was different. He kept talking in his sleep, tossing and turning like he was in pain, and then…he used alchemy. I know it should’ve been impossible, but he was able to transmute the blade on his arm perfectly. I woke him up then, and he reacted blindly and struck me.” He placed his hand on his chestplate. “Obviously, I wasn’t injured, but Brother was really scared when he realized what he’d done. I was too.”
“Go on,” Roy prompted.
“A week later, it happened again. This time, I stopped him before he used alchemy, but the nightmare was even worse than the first and…Brother was really shaken by it. We couldn’t figure out what was going on and we were on edge every night, wondering when the next one would hit. But then, after those two, it seemed to stop. The weeks passed by without incident and in East City, he didn’t have a single nightmare. We thought it was over. Until today.”
“And in all that time, neither of you thought to bring this to my attention?”
“I told you, he didn’t want to tell anyone. You know how he is. He wouldn’t even share the details with me.” Al shrugged helplessly. “He wanted to deal with it on his own and I promised to keep it between us.” He lowered his head. “A promise I’ve just broken.”
Roy sighed heavily. “You did the right thing, Alphonse. Thank you for telling me.”
He was angry—angry that Ed hadn’t told him, that he would hide something this dangerous. But most of all, he was angry that he hadn’t realized anything was wrong. In the last couple of months, he had seen the exhaustion in Ed’s eyes in passing, but he had chalked it up to the long nights the boys spent in the library researching, the endless travels they were always on, and the many hours they had put into rebuilding Eastern Command. He hadn’t thought to question it further and he should have. He should have noticed, especially because…he was no stranger to nightmares.
He had been plagued with them ever since Ishval and had seen the same struggle mirrored in so many of his other comrades throughout the years. Given Ed’s history and the inordinate amount of suffering he and his brother had endured in their young lives, it wasn’t surprising that he was having them as well. One could say that it was to be expected, even. What wasn’t expected was the fact that the dreams were somehow causing Ed to use alchemy while asleep. Roy had never heard of anything like it before and he had no idea how or why it was occurring, but one thing was clear—Ed was absolutely terrified. The sight of the normally vibrant and cocky youth so distressed made something inside his chest ache and he wanted to help the boy. He knew what it was like to deal with nightmares, how frightening it was and how lonely it could be, and he was going to do everything in his power to make sure Ed didn’t have to deal with them alone.
Roy frowned. He needed to talk to Ed, but that was easier said than done. The boy was as prideful and stubborn as hell and if their confrontation had been any indication, any attempt to discuss the problem point-blank would just be met with further resistance. Ed would never even admit that he was hurting, much less volunteer the details. The boy’s pride wasn’t the only obstacle either. Ed had never held him in a particularly high regard and their relationship was often strained. After what had happened earlier, Roy knew that he didn’t have Ed’s trust and even if he could get him to talk about it without running away again, he didn’t know if Ed would regard anything he said as genuine. How could he get through to him?
An idea came to Roy and he thought it over. That…just might work. It wouldn’t be easy and it was going to cost him, but if he was able to help Ed, it would be worth the sacrifice. Decided, he rose to his feet. “I’m going to go talk to him.”
“Uh, I don’t think that’s wise, Colonel,” Al said. “Really, let him have some time. He just needs to be alone for a while.”
“On the contrary, that’s the last thing he needs right now,” Roy replied softly. “Your brother isn’t the only one struggling with nightmares, Alphonse. They’re a common problem among military soldiers and I happen to know a thing or two about dealing with them myself. I realize that Edward wants to handle this on his own, but isolating himself isn’t the answer. He needs to know that he can talk about this, that he doesn’t have to hide it. He needs to know he’s not alone.”
“I hadn’t thought about it like that.” Al folded his hands in his lap. “You know, Brother is always there for me whenever I need support and I’ve always tried to do the same for him, but sometimes, I’m at a loss. I’m younger than he is and there are so many things I don’t know.” He looked up at Roy. “You and Brother may fight a lot, but I know you have his best interests at heart, and that’s the reason why I told you everything. I’m trusting you with this, Colonel, and if you can help him in a way that I can’t, well…I’m grateful.”
Roy was humbled by Al’s words and he patted the boy’s armored shoulder. “That means a lot. I’ll do my best.”
“I have to warn you though, he’s not going to be in a talking mood. How do you plan on approaching him?”
Roy allowed himself a small smirk. “I’ll just have to use the fundamental law of alchemy: Equivalent Exchange.”
Damn it!
Ed tightened his grip on the toilet bowl as he heaved, emptying the contents of his stomach for a second time. He had run all the way to the train’s washroom and had just managed to lock the door before he could no longer hold it back and collapsed on the floor, retching into the toilet. He panted, leaning heavily on the edge of the basin. This was so pathetic…
It was only a dream. That was what he kept trying to tell himself, but no matter how many times he repeated it in his mind, it did nothing to stop his body from trembling or the tears from flowing down his cheeks. The specter cloaked in darkness, the white-hot agony, the stench of his own blood… It had all seemed, had felt so real…
He gritted his teeth. Stop thinking about it, that’ll just make it worse.
He stayed hovering over the bowl until he was sure his stomach had settled, and then closed the lid, flushing away the bile. He sat back, slumped in the corner of the washroom with his head against the wall, trying to regain his composure.
It’s not real, he told himself again. I’m safe. Al is safe. None of it’s real…
But that was a lie. It was real. The nightmare didn’t end when he woke up—it only changed forms.
Ed looked at his hands, shaking as he held them up to his line of sight. He had transmuted his blade again, and as terrifying as the dream had been, that frightened him even more. Why? Why had it happened again? He had been so certain that it was over, that he didn’t have to be afraid to fall asleep anymore, but he had gravely miscalculated and this time, Roy could’ve paid the price. Al hadn’t been there to stop him and Ed knew that he could’ve injured the man, or worse. He grimaced. The colonel had seen everything. He had seen his terror and his weakness… He had seen him cry…
More hot tears burned at the corners of his eyes, this time in shame, and he angrily wiped them away. He hated it, but Roy seeing him break down was the least of his problems. He knew that the alchemy was somehow related to the nightmares, but he still didn’t have the first clue why he was having them or how to make them stop. This was already the third incident and he couldn’t shake the feeling that it wasn’t a good sign. What if there was something really wrong with him? Or with his alchemy? What was he going to do?
A choked sob escaped him and he slammed his fist to the floor in frustration. He didn’t have time for this. They had already lost three weeks searching for the Philosopher’s Stone due to the crisis at Eastern Command and they couldn’t afford another detour. Al had already spent far too long waiting around for him and he wasn’t about to be the cause of any more wasted time. He would just have to try to figure it out along the way, someway, somehow. If the nightmares continued, he knew the exhaustion would take its toll on him eventually, but for now, he could still function. He could still fight. That was all he needed.
Gradually, his sobs faded into hiccups and his trembling lessened. He didn’t know how long he had been there on the floor, but he’d had enough of feeling pathetic. He reached up for the edge of the sink and pulled himself up, gripping it tightly as he wobbled, still weak in the knees from vomiting. He rinsed out the acidic taste in his mouth and scrubbed his face, and after drying off with his sleeve, he braced the sink with both hands, staring at his reflection in the mirror. He frowned at his swollen eyes, red nose, and tear-stained cheeks. This wasn’t how he was going to get Al’s body back. He had to keep it together. He needed to be strong—for them both.
Ed turned his back on the mirror and exited the washroom. He paused in the corridor, wondering what he should do. He knew that Al was probably worried, but he didn’t feel like going back to the compartment, couldn’t face him and Roy right then. All they were going to do was ask questions and he didn’t want to talk about it. He just wanted to be alone, somewhere quiet where he could wait for the lingering terror from the nightmare to pass and get his emotions back under control. Maybe the observation car was an option. Now that it was evening, it was probably empty. At least, he hoped it was.
He made his way through the cars, keeping his head down to avoid looking at the other passengers as he walked by, until he reached the observation car. As he thought, no one else was there, which he was greatly thankful for. Ed sat down heavily on the far end of one of the benches facing the windows. He drew one knee up to his chest, wrapped his arms around himself, and leaned his head back. He still felt sick, but he concentrated on his breathing, trying to relax. He stared up at the ceiling for a moment and then let his eyes drift closed. He didn’t dare trying to fall asleep again, but a little rest couldn’t hurt.
The silence eased his mind and the worst of his anxiety slowly subsided. He exhaled, finally allowing the tension in his muscles to release, but it was short-lived as the sound of the car’s door opening jarred him out of his calm. He opened his eyes and looked over to his right, gaze settling on the absolute last person he wanted to see. He knew that Roy was going to want answers, but he hadn’t thought that the man would come looking for him. Ed felt the tension in his body immediately return. Great.
“May I join you?” Roy asked.
Ed sat up straighter, shifting into a more casual position with his arm resting on top of his knee. He had half a mind to get up and leave, but there were only so many places he could go on the train and he had a feeling that Roy would just chase him down no matter where he went. Unless he jumped off, but he didn’t particularly feel like walking all the way back to Central. Ed sighed. He was far too tired to deal with this right now. “If I say no, will you leave?” he said, mentally cursing his voice for still being hoarse from crying.
In response, Roy took a seat at the opposite end of the bench. Ed noticed that he could’ve sat much closer, but seemed to intentionally keep his distance.
“Didn’t think so,” he muttered.
“I’m not here to fight you, Fullmetal.” Roy’s voice was quiet and even. “I just want to talk.”
That was…surprising. After their fight earlier, Ed expected Roy to be angry. The man had a right to be—he had punched him square in the jaw. But he didn’t sense any hostility from him whatsoever. What was he playing at? Ed looked away. “Not in the mood.”
A soft sigh came from Roy. “We have to talk about this. Something serious is going on with you and this isn’t even the first incident.”
Ed winced. This, on the other hand, didn’t surprise him. He expected it and had been prepared for it—after all, it wasn’t like he couldn’t hide the situation any longer—but it still stung. “I guess Al told you?”
“He was reluctant, but I asked him to. He’s worried about you…and quite frankly, I’m concerned as well.”
Ed scoffed. “Yeah, right. If you’re trying to comfort me because you think you have to be a considerate superior out of obligation or whatever, save your breath, Mustang. I don’t want your pity.”
“I’m not doing this out of obligation, but I am your commanding officer and I have a responsibility to ensure your wellbeing. I’m sure I don’t have to tell you how dangerous using alchemy without full awareness is. If your calculation is even the slightest bit off, you risk injuring yourself by way of a rebound. Not only that, you’re transmuting a weapon and if you hurt someone else, even accidentally, that would have serious consequences.”
A chill ran down Ed’s spine as he remembered how he struck Al and could very well have done the same to Roy.
“I don’t want to see that happen and I can’t allow this to continue. You’ve known for months that you have absolutely no control over this problem, and for you not to bring it to anyone’s attention—particularly mine—is irresponsible and reckless. It makes me question your judgment and your fitness for duty also.”
Ed’s eyes widened. “You wouldn’t dare… You can’t take me off active duty!”
“If I have reason to believe that you’re a danger to yourself or others, I’ll have no choice.”
There was no way Ed could let that happen. He couldn’t lose his status in the military—it was the only thing that made his and Al’s continued research on the Stone possible. “Mustang, I can handle this. It’s just some bad dreams and the alchemy…Al will help me make sure it won’t happen again.” His words sounded hollow, even to his own ears.
“I’m afraid I’m not convinced,” Roy replied. “Alphonse isn’t always going to be there to stop you—he wasn’t today—and even if he does, that might keep you from transmuting, but it’s not going to solve the problem. You have to deal with this, and I’m not just talking about the alchemy.”
Ed fidgeted, suddenly uncomfortable. He knew what Roy was getting at.
“You know…having nightmares is nothing to be ashamed of.”
“I’m not ashamed! I just—” Ed faltered. He didn’t have the words. Why was even considering telling Roy anyway? It’s not like he would be able to change anything. It’s not like he would understand. “Look, I don’t wanna talk about it, okay? I’ve dealt with worse. I can manage just fine on my own.”
“How? By continuing to suffer in silence and pretend nothing’s wrong? You may be able to compensate for now, Fullmetal, but there are limits to one man’s ability to cope, and I can see how much this is affecting you. If you continue on like this, you’ll eventually take yourself to the point of failure.”
“Yeah?” Ed challenged. “And what do you know?”
“I know.”
Roy’s tone softened and Ed had never realized how much gravity those two, simple, little words could hold.
“I remember, there was this man I knew…”
Out of habit, Ed turned away, getting ready to tune Roy out. Knowing the stories the colonel usually told, this was probably going to be just another dumb anecdote that he couldn’t care less about.
“…he was in my unit when I served on the front lines during the Ishvalan Civil War.”
Ishval? Well…maybe that piqued his interest a little. He knew that Roy had served in the war and had tried to ask him about it on several occasions, but the colonel always skirted around the subject. Why did he suddenly want to talk about it now?
“He wasn’t much older than you, fresh from the Academy and as green as they come. He said that he joined the military to make a difference in this country. He wanted to protect the people and the land he loved so dearly and stand up for those who didn’t have the power to defend themselves. And when he was called out to the front lines, he couldn’t have been more eager, ready to prove himself and put his ideals into practice.”
Ed glanced at Roy. He was leaning with his elbows resting on his knees, hands clasped together, speaking quietly. Ed had never seen Roy like this before and recognized that he was being serious, that he wasn’t trying to mess around with him. For once.
“He thought he knew what to expect—I guess, at some point, we all thought that—but he couldn’t have been more wrong, and his naive ideals were shattered the moment he stepped foot in our camp. War isn’t a disagreement with a right and a wrong side and a clear-cut path to justice; it’s a brutal, chaotic bloodbath that steals good lives and leaves a scar on the world that can never be erased. All you could see on that battlefield was people dying—soldiers on both sides, civilians, even children—and it shook that man to the core.”
Roy paused, seeming to have difficulty at the memories and Ed waited silently for him to continue, vaguely wondering when he had begun to genuinely listen. “He hid it well and he never let on how much he was struggling, but I saw the haunted look in his eyes. I heard him startle awake from the nightmares every night and I felt his constant tension and unease, wondering how long he could keep it together before he snapped. And he wasn’t the only one. No one ever discussed it, but every soldier was going through the same thing, just trying to survive and hold on to some semblance of sanity. Not everyone succeeded.”
Ed was struck by the raw emotion and candor in Roy’s words. No wonder he always avoided talking about it. “Sounds like hell,” he said quietly.
“It was.” Roy straightened up and leaned back against the bench, lapsing into silence.
Ed processed the story, wondering who the man in question was. He knew that Hughes had served with Roy in Ishval—was he the man the colonel was talking about? He kind of wanted to know, but if Roy hadn’t mentioned his identity by now, there was probably a reason for it and he wasn’t going to press the issue. “So, what happened to the guy?”
“Somehow, he made it through the war and returned home, but nothing was the same as when he had left. After what he had seen and done, he was a changed man and he knew he’d never be able to forget what he had been a part of.” Roy drew in a breath and Ed noticed that he was now looking anywhere but at him. “To this day, the memories haunt him and he still has nightmares now and then, but last I heard, he was doing all right for himself.”
Now, Ed was confused. Whoever the guy was, he figured that Roy had probably known him really well, but he found it odd how the colonel had asserted the details of his internal conflicts with such confidence. How did he know so much about feelings that this man supposedly never voiced to anyone? Such intimate specifics of his thoughts? That’s when it hit him. He thought back to Roy’s choice of wording and the subtle hints along the way, and realized…
“Bastard,” Ed breathed, blinking at Roy in disbelief. “You’re talking about yourself.”
Roy simply nodded.
Everything that Ed had just heard sunk into him with a new weight, rendering him speechless. Roy was speaking directly from his own experiences, admitting to his own struggles…and his own nightmares. Ed’s mind raced with questions, but the only one that he could manage to ask was…
“Why? Why did you tell me all that? That’s…really personal…”
“Yes, and so is your situation,” Roy said. “Ishval is not something that I like to remember, but it seemed relevant here and I didn’t think it was fair to ask you to share your own vulnerability without giving something of equal value in return. After all, Equivalent Exchange is the law that we live by, right?”
Ed understood Roy’s tactics and though he knew he should be angry with him for it, he found he couldn’t bring himself to get mad. He wondered why Roy had told his story from the third person perspective. Was it because he knew that if he had made it clear he was talking about himself from the beginning, Ed wouldn’t have listened the same way? Had it made it easier to share? Whatever the reason was, it didn’t matter. The fact remained that Roy trusted him enough to confide a very personal matter and that kind of gesture coming from someone like the colonel, well…it meant something. He recognized what Roy was trying to do and a myriad of emotions began to well up inside of him.
“I know that we have our moments,” Roy continued, “and maybe I haven’t done much to inspire your confidence in me, but I understand this and I don’t want you to have to be alone like I was. If there’s some way, any way that I can help, then I want to.”
A lump settled in Ed’s throat. “I don’t know if you can,” he whispered, but he could feel his defenses crumbling.
Roy shifted a bit closer, locking eyes with him. “Give me a chance, Ed,” he said softly.
He didn’t know whether it was Roy’s sincerity, the rare use of his given name in favor of his State title, or a small flicker of hope that ultimately changed his mind, but something made Ed decide to take a risk and give him one. Wordlessly, he nodded his concession, and Roy waited while he thought about where to start.
“Well, you’ve already heard most of it from Al. I’ve had nightmares before, but none of them have ever been like this. They’re not based on anything I’ve experienced, but they’re so vivid…if I didn’t know better, I’d swear they were real.” Ed shuddered in memory. “I’ve done extensive research into both sleep mechanics and dreaming, but I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m having them or why they’re causing me to use alchemy. All I have are theories…and it’s not good.”
“Not good how?”
“I found reports on several case studies where both nightmares with no external causal link and abnormal sleep behaviors were present in their respective subjects. In every one of the cases, these factors turned out to be indicative of a group of rare disorders involving the brain. In order for me to have the motor control and awareness needed to use alchemy while I’m otherwise unconscious, something abnormal has to be occurring within my brain and…it’s possible that I’m in the early stages of one of those disorders. I’ve been watching for any additional symptoms, but so far, other than the nightmares, I’ve felt fine…”
“This may just be a hunch, but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you. I’ll admit that it was shocking at first, but given your unique circumstances, is it really all that unusual?”
“Huh? What are you talking about?”
“Think about it. For any other alchemist, this kind of thing would suggest a problem, but you’re no ordinary alchemist, Ed. Alchemy is second nature to you and I’ve seen how strong your determination can be. When you set your mind to something, you won’t let anything stop you—not missing limbs, not impossible odds, not even a train that’s leaving without you.”
Despite himself, the corners of Ed’s mouth twitched upward in a weak smile.
“Right before you transmuted, I could sense that you had that same determination. If these nightmares are so powerful that subconsciously, you believe you’re in real danger and need to fight back, then I’m willing to bet that’s enough to trigger you to automatically react with the weapon that’s always a part of you—your alchemy.”
“I…never thought about it like that.” Over the last few months, Ed had pondered countless theories in his search to explain the alchemy, but he had never once considered that it could be an instinctive defense mechanism. That actually made a lot of sense. His physical state during the nightmares closely paralleled how he responded in combat situations and if his body was reacting the same way it did to a real threat—by preparing to initiate the transmutation process—then even though he wasn’t fully awake, it was more than possible that his mind knew what to do from there. Because when he was out on the battlefield, he didn’t need to think twice—he just visualized a circle and clapped. Ed frowned. How had Roy been able to think of that so quickly, something that he himself hadn’t been able to see? The colonel was obviously a lot smarter than he gave him credit for. “That may be the reason I’m using alchemy, but it still doesn’t explain where these dreams are coming from in the first place…”
Roy thought for a moment. “Have you ever talked about your nightmares? I mean, really described them in detail to anyone?”
Ed shook his head. It wasn’t like he could really talk to Al or Winry about them… “Does it help?”
“It can, yes. Sometimes, getting them out of your head and into the open can make them less frightening or allow you to identify details or patterns that might be relevant to their cause. Sometimes, it’s enough to make them decrease in frequency or even stop altogether. And sometimes, it’s just a relief knowing that you’re not the only one who has seen them.”
Ed considered that. Should he tell him? He still had reservations about confiding in the colonel, but Roy had been nothing but accommodating and so far, trying to hide his nightmares had seemed to only make them worse. Maybe talking about them would help. He really had nothing to lose. Ed gathered his courage and with some difficulty, tried to shove his pride aside. He just had one request to make of Roy before starting and he closed his eyes, cheeks burning in embarrassment. “If…if I tell you, just…don’t be obnoxious about it later.”
“I’m not so much of an ass that I’d tease you about something like this, Ed. You have my word.”
Ed began before he had a chance to change his mind. “I’ve had three. They’ve all been similar, but this was the worst one yet.” He took a deep breath. “I was surrounded by darkness. I could see myself, but there was nothing else around me, like I was floating in an endless void. Then, out of nowhere, this pain hit me. It hurt so bad, like electricity searing throughout my entire body.” He squeezed his eyes shut. He could still feel it. “All I could do was s-scream for it stop and after what seemed like forever, it did. I felt the atmosphere around me change and when I opened my eyes, I was lying on the ground, on the outskirts of a burning city. I can’t tell you how real it seemed… I could feel the heat from the blaze, could taste the dirt underneath me, could smell the ash and the scent of my own blood… The sky was grey with smoke and it was so thick in the air that I was almost choking on it. I looked around for Al, for anyone else, but I was alone. I tried to stand, but my automail wouldn’t move and I couldn’t get up. T-that’s when I noticed it.”
He swallowed, forcing himself to keep going. “In the distance, this…thing approached, gliding toward me. Its shape was roughly human, but the edges of its form were distorted and it was completely black, almost like it was made of the darkness itself. I couldn’t make out who or what it was, but I knew right away that it was the source of the pain. It kept getting closer and I tried to use alchemy to defend myself, but my arm was damaged and I couldn’t line my hands up properly. It stretched its arm out toward me and that same, horrible pain tore through my side.”
Ed paused for a minute, feeling queasy again. “It told me to s-surrender, that I’d already lost. The pain stopped again, but my whole body felt like it was on fire. I couldn’t think straight. I couldn’t breathe… I was so t-terrified and exhausted, but I knew I had to fight. I don’t know why, but I knew that if I let it beat me, then I was going to lose everyone I care about. Somehow, I managed to stand up and face it. It told me to surrender again, to become one with it, and I didn’t know what the hell that meant, but I didn’t care because I was either going to defeat it or die trying. I raised my hands and this time, I was able to clap and transmute my blade. I rushed forward, intending to slice the thing to bits…and the next thing I knew, you were shaking me awake. You know the rest.”
“That’s intense,” Roy said quietly. There was no sarcasm or pity in his words; it was just a simple observation.
“Yeah.” Ed cleared his throat, trying to steady himself after reliving the terror of the dream. “So, any idea where all that could be coming from? Because I haven’t got a clue.”
“Well, you said you’ve never experienced nightmares like this before and they’re not based on memories… The only thing I can think of is that they’re the result of something recent. Is there anything that’s happened to you in the last few months that could be causing them? Something that might be bothering you?”
“I don’t think so…” Ed was aware that the most likely catalyst for his nightmares was something equal in magnitude that had happened around the same time, but he had been over it a hundred times in his mind already, and the fact was that nothing drastic had happened to him in the last several months. In fact, nothing much of anything had happened at all. He hadn’t witnessed any atrocities, fought any major battles, or been in any life-threatening situations (for a change). When the nightmares started, he and Al had just been traveling around and doing research as they always did, and he had been apprehensive ever sin—
He suddenly remembered something and backtracked. The day before he had the first nightmare, something had been bothering him. It was a minor thing, really a trivial matter when it came down to it, but he hadn’t wanted Al to see that it affected him and had been afraid that it would show. Afraid…
It finally clicked. Fear. That was the answer. Ed groaned. He couldn’t have been more of an idiot.
“Ed?” Roy asked, bringing Ed out his thoughts. “Are you all right?”
Ed leaned forward, his head in his hands. “It’s fear,” he mumbled.
“What?”
Ed grit his teeth. “The thing that I’m fighting.” How had he not seen it? That’s exactly what it was. “I was upset about something the night this all started. It wasn’t important or anything—I mean, I didn’t think of it again until just now—but…I was afraid Al would see that it bothered me and I was determined not to let it show. The stress I put on myself must have caused the nightmare, which in turn caused more fear, and the harder I tried to hold back that fear, the more I fueled the cycle. That’s why that shadow has shown up in every dream and why I’m so determined to beat it—it’s the representation of my fear. I’m not fighting against some nameless enemy—I’m fighting against myself.” Ed scoffed. “This whole time, I thought there was something wrong with me…but it was just my stupid fear all along.”
It was a moment before Roy spoke gently. “You know, you don’t always have to hide how you’re feeling. It’s okay to admit when you’re scared.”
The words were out of Ed’s mouth before he could stop them. “Maybe I don’t have that luxury.”
“What do you mean?”
Normally, Ed would never think of getting as personal as he was about to, especially not with Roy, but he had heard the assumption in the colonel’s words and it was wrong. He knew very well that his pride was the size of the Eastern desert; it was a strength, a flaw, an integral part of who he was. But it wasn’t the only reason that he didn’t like showing vulnerability, and he would be damned if Roy thought that it was. That he was that childish.
“Ed?”
Ed stood up and walked to the window. “Let me tell you something.” He gazed past his reflection in the glass out into the blackness of the night. “I hate being vulnerable. It’s embarrassing and I can’t stand the looks of pity I get from others when they see my pain. They always treat me like I can’t hold my own. Like I’m something to be looked down upon. Like I’m fragile.” His fists clenched at some stray, fleeting memories and it took some effort to remain calm. “It’s an insult to my pride and I hate the way it makes me feel, but that’s not the only reason why I avoid showing weakness.” His voice dropped to a near-whisper. “I know it’s okay to be sad or whatever and sometimes, I can’t help it. There are days when it hurts and I’m afraid and everything just seems like too much. What if something happens to me or Al? What if I can’t keep my promise? What if we don’t succeed? But crying and wallowing in self-pity isn’t going to change anything. And it’s not going to get our bodies back.”
He swallowed thickly, breath catching in his throat with guilt. “I’m not the only one who’s suffering. This is hard on Al too. He’s counting on me and I don’t have the time or the right to let my fear or my doubts get in the way. In Ishval, when you were faced with the truth of a cruel and unforgiving reality, did you give up?”
“There were times when I considered it,” Roy admitted. “But I couldn’t. I had a job to do…and people I needed to protect.”
“Exactly. We have to keep going. Al isn’t going to give up and neither am I. It doesn’t matter what I have to endure or what else I have to sacrifice.” Ed turned back around to face Roy and looked him straight in the eyes. “I made a promise and I’m going to keep it. No matter what.”
Ed finished his speech and Roy stared at him with his mouth slightly agape, seemingly at a loss for words. He could see that the colonel hadn’t been expecting him to show that kind of insight and understanding. Well, I understand. I understand perfectly.
Roy let out a soft noise of amazement. “And here I was pretending I knew how strong your determination could be—I wasn’t even close. You didn’t have to share that with me.”
Ed shrugged and looked away. “Equivalent Exchange is the law we live by, right?”
“Indeed,” Roy replied and Ed could hear a faint smile in his voice at the echo of his earlier words before he continued in a more solemn tone. “You’re right. Your sins, your trials, and your demons are your own responsibility. No one is going to fix your mistakes for you and the world isn’t going to hand you what you seek unless you go out and find it for yourself. But you’re wrong about one thing.”
“And what’s that?”
Ed heard Roy stand up and looked up just as the man reached his side at the window.
“You don’t have to bear the burden alone, Ed,” Roy said softly, placing a hand on Ed’s shoulder—his left shoulder—so that he could feel it. “When I chose the officers for my unit, I didn’t just choose them for their technical or strategic skills; I chose men with honor and integrity who would look out for those they served with. I wanted a team whose members could rely on each other and feel comfortable putting their trust and lives in each other’s hands. When you joined the military, you and your brother became a part of that team.”
Ed thought of the others: Hawkeye, Havoc, Breda, Falman, and Fuery. In the military, it was customary to maintain an attitude of professionalism and a respectable distance from one’s colleagues, but at times, it did feel like they were more than just a group of officers who worked together. Though they could certainly be annoying at times—much like their unit commander—they had always been welcoming to him and Al and when it counted, he couldn’t deny that they had each other’s backs.
“I realize that your trust does not come lightly and the two of you are perfectly capable of handling yourselves, but if either of you have a problem or need to talk, we’re here for you.”
“I…” Now, Ed was at a loss for words. “I don’t know what to say.”
“You don’t have to say anything. I just want you to hear me. I won’t share what we’ve discussed with anyone and I won’t stay on your case about it, but if the nightmares persist and you transmute again, I want you to tell me and we’ll figure it out, all right? And if you need something else, well…you know where to find me.”
A familiar burning sensation started behind Ed’s eyes and he averted his gaze, blinking rapidly in an attempt to hold back his sudden emotion. “…i-idiot,” he stammered, and in that moment, he honestly didn’t know whether he was referring to Roy or himself.
Either way, Roy seemed to understand. He squeezed Ed’s shoulder one last time and then moved away, retaking his seat on the bench. Ed stayed by the window, tilting his head so that his hair concealed his face.
When he joined the military and began the long and arduous journey with Al to get their bodies back, he thought that they would have to shoulder the pain and loneliness by themselves. After all, all they had was each other. But that was wrong. He saw that now. All this time, he had been so stubborn trying to keep it together on his own that he had missed what was right in front of him. For all the grief that Roy had given him…and all the grief he had given Roy…the colonel had still been willing to help. He cared. And Ed knew that the others did too. Amidst the tempest of the world, they were a soft place to fall and a reminder that they weren’t truly alone. Like Winry and Granny. Like a family. And maybe, just maybe, he didn’t mind relying on them…just a little bit.
Ed sniffed and as he wiped his nose on his sleeve, removing all trace of his tears, his stomach growled loudly, breaking the awkward silence that had grown between them.
“Hungry?” Roy asked in faint amusement.
“I guess,” Ed mumbled. Food had been the last thing on his mind after the nightmare and everything that had followed, but he hadn’t eaten since leaving the hotel that morning, and now that he thought about it, he really was famished.
Roy checked the time on his pocket watch. “We still have a few hours before we reach Central. Why don’t you go on back to the compartment? Alphonse brought back plenty of snacks and most of them are still intact.” He smiled kindly. “You’ve been gone a while; I’m sure he’s waiting for you.”
That…sounded really good. Ed felt that he was ready to go back. “What are you gonna do?”
“I’ll be in the dining car. I’m sure there’s something left over in there for me.”
Ed was going to glare at Roy for the light teasing, but then he realized that by going to the dining car, the colonel was letting him and Al have the compartment to themselves like he had half-joked about wanting earlier and he couldn’t help the smile that formed instead. “You have a real way with things, you know that?”
Roy chuckled. “Go. I’ll join you again when we get to Central.”
Ed nodded and made his way to the door. Just before leaving, he paused, his hand on the handle. There was one more thing, something that was worth swallowing his pride one last time to say. He didn’t have to say it, or even need to, but he wanted to.
“Colonel?” he said, without turning around.
“Yes, Fullmetal?”
“Thanks.”
Without waiting for a reply, Ed took off running out the door and into the next car. And as he ran back to the compartment where Al was waiting for him, his steps felt lighter than they had in a while, like a heavy weight had been lifted off his shoulders. Ed’s smile turned into a grin. He had a feeling those nightmares wouldn’t be bothering him again.