1.- Do not use giant lake monsters
It had seemed like a good idea at first. Cute even, if Dipper said so himself. Mabel had certainly found it adorable, and she'd helped him embroider the giant pillow with the words "would you marry me?" That Gobby was supposed to hold up when they got to the lake.
None of them had accounted for the fact that, as a giant lake dwelling reptile with the mindset of a problematic domestic cat, Gobby was delighted to have a new toy to fucking rip apart.
"Aw man... Someone's been littering Gobby's pond" Wirt frowns. His iridescent eyes -he's stopped disguising them as human eyes, it's not like people in the town care- gleam, and the edge of the lake freezes. His control has become much greater in the past five years. And so have his powers. "Don't eat that boy, come on it's dirty"
Dipper watches helplessly as his boyfriend pulls out drool and water soaked pieces of fabric and stuffing from between Gobby's teeth, and he sighs.
"Don't they know this stuff could hurt him how inconsiderate" Wirt keeps on, offended.
"Yeah... I can't believe people sometimes"
2.- Do not use your self-declared gnome subordinates
Ok so it technically hadn't been their fault. Wirt had just... Not been clear enough.
He'd presented them with his chosen ring, and stressed that it was important that they kept it secret and safe during his and Dipper's hike, until they reached the top of the mountain and he called on them.
Now apparently four gnomes were on their way to the elves with his ring -Wirt didn't even know elves were a thing- and the eagles were coming, according to Jeff.
As far as dates with Dipper went, Wirt thinks flying back to the shack on a humongous bird is a good one, so he doesn't feel too bad.
3.- Do not take them on a romantic faerie-lit picnic
Ok how in the fuck was Dipper supposed to know faeries and demons were natural enemies when his boyfriend was notoriously bad at being a demon and telling him demon things?!
Everything else had been perfect, the full moon, the faerie ring Dipper had arranged the picnic blanket and basket on, a bottle of their favorite red wine, some cheese and sliced fruit... And the faeries Dipper had asked to flutter around to create a mood for his proposal.
The faeries had been delighted, ever the romantic meddler little shits, until Wirt had walked out into the clearing.
"Well well well, look what the cat dragged in" says a tiny, whistle-like voice coming from a golden spot of light. Dipper can see the faerie if he squints, clad in a marigold petal robe with their arms crossed and a frown on their face. "Are you here to munch on some delicious souls, demon?"
Then Wirt, who Dipper has never, ever since he met him seen behave as less than exceedingly polite -and in the case of supernatural beings, slightly afraid- shrugs with a disgusted sneer.
"Ugh... I forgot mosquitos in Gravity Falls weren't just obnoxious suckers but could also talk... how unfortunate"
The faerie goes red with anger, and another three come to crowd around them.
"How dare you offend the mighty race of the fae, when your own existence is an offence to nature?" Asks one with minuscule forget-me-not petal pants
"Abomination!" Yells a third one in a spiderweb gown
"Should've brought bug repellant" Wirt laments, ignoring both the faeries and Dipper's rapidly escalating nerves "this will do" and he waves his hand at the point where more and more faeries are gathering to tell tiny angry expletives.
A gust of chilly wind comes from behind them and blows the faeries away, with a chorus of smal, angered and afraid screams.
"That was... Not what I expected" Dipper says in lieu of an apology
"They're a pain in the ass" Wirt grumbles. He uncorks the wine and downs half a glass in one gulp, and that more than anything clues Dipper to the fact that the night and whatever mood it was supposed to have has long since gone South.
Watching a full grown man fight a small battalion of colorful faeries riding on bumblebees is entertaining tho.
4.- Do not take them on a fancy dinner to their favorite restaurant
Dipper looks incredibly nervous, and that's making Wirt feel incredibly nervous as well.
He's looked like he wants to bolt all the way back to Gravity Falls ever since they set out to drive to the city, and it had only increased since then.
By the time the waitress leads them to their table on the restaurant where they had their first formal date, Dipper looks like he's got issues breathing, but he assures Wirt he's fine every time he asks.
Now the waitress takes the remnants of their food away, and after Wirt asks her to wait with the desserts and leave.them alone for a moment, he looks back at Dipper and wonders if he'll have to reveal his true store to all these normal people to grant himself a self deal to stop his boyfriend from having an aneurysm.
But a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do, and Wirt has learned nothing through his life if not bravery.
"Dipper, I wanted to talk-"
"Listen, if you want to break up with me there was no need to come all the way here, you could've told me at home" Dipper blurts out in the middle of his sentence. Wirt's hand freezes on the way to his pocket. "Not that I expect you to stay in Gravity Falls if we break up- or, or not that I want you to move out of the town if we- I mean I just, uh-"
"... What?"
"I just... Could I know what I did? I thought we were fine and I'm sorry if i-"
"Dipper. What on Earth are you talking about?!" Wirt goes to pinch the bridge of his nose. With the nerves and frustration, it's getting difficult to hold onto his human eyes. "Did you think I'd bring you here just to break up with you?"
Dipper says nothing, but Wirt can see it in his eyes, how this man whose regular life entails dealing with supernatural, undeniably dangerous creatures, is still afraid of not being enough for him.
Suddenly the Dipper sitting before him is back to the nervous sixteen years old that stammered through asking Wirt out for a coffee, and the new ring in his pocket feels like lousy timing.
"I'm not going to break up with you" Wirt says, stressing the negative. He then turns to wave the waitress over, and looks back at dinner. "But I think we need to talk about these trust issues.... And I think we're going to need ice cream"
In the end Wirt doesn't propose. They leave the restaurant hours later, and the staff locks the doors behind them.
Wirt feels a little guilty for these guys that will get home late because of them, but Dipper's face is flushed and his eyes are rimmed red, and his hand feels heavy and warm on his and Wirt has no intention of letting go anytime soon.
The rest can wait.
5.- Do not attempt to control your loved ones with a pair of ties
The Pines tried. They really tried, and though their method might seem weird to others, it came from a place of love and they won't apologize for it ok?
Ford consents after a few token protests when Mabel comes to him with her suggestion, but he does have to concede that it sounds like the only way this is going to work, and as Stan so eloquently put it, those two are going to be their age by the time one of them finally spits it out.
Wendy gets the tickets, she hands them to Dipper with a half assed explanation about how the theater people fucked up and gave her tickets to a play instead of the concert she asked for, but she then thought Wirt might like it and decided to just give them over. Luckily, even a few years short of thirty Wendy still exudes that chill young vibe, so they believe her without much issue.
After that, Mabel only has to slip into Dipper's room and switch his chosen tie with the receiver one.
Dipper and Wirt go to the play -they make sure to keep the emittter tie away from Stan so that Dipper doesn't make a fool of himself during the show- and go to a small restaurant afterwards. That's when Mabel puts on the tie.
Afterwards they agree to never talk of this again.
+1.- Do go for it
They're on Wirt's apartment.
They just had sex, and the plants are still going crazy Dipper is kinda proud of that one. It's been a while since he's been able to make Wirt lose control like that.
He entertains himself braiding small knots in Wirt's hair, and he has the brief thought that if he could tell the twelve years old that came to spend a summer with his great uncle that a short twelve years later he'd be dozing off with a demon on his chest, he'd had a hard time believing him.
Still, it feels nice. Dipper would quite like it if it stayed that way.
"Wirt?" He asks. His voice sounds a bit raspy, but it's fine.
"Hmm?" Wirt sounds like he's more asleep than awake at this point, so Dipper pokes him on the side playfully, just to make him aware "Mmmm what?" He groans then, batting Dipper's hand away.
Dipper smiles, and leans down to place a kiss on the top of his head. He smells like snow and the forest.
"Do you wanna get married?" He asks
Wirt is silent for a couple seconds, and Dipper feels him shift on the bed to be face to face with him.
"It sounds nice doesn't it?" Wirt replies in the end. "I do" and he leans up to kiss Dipper lightly on the lips.