Visiting Oregon wasn't something Wirt had ever particularly wanted to do, but he supposed that now he was here, he had no choice but to take it all in.
Unlike his recalcitrant elder brother, Greg was pretty damn happy with their current circumstances. He chattered about this and that with unholy enthusiasm— Wirt cringed at his inability to match it.
"...never heard of Gravity Falls, but that is such a cool name! Isn't it, brother o' mine?"
Having completely missed whatever the hell his little brother had just said, Wirt nodded absentmindedly. Greg noticed his inattention and pouted.
"Wow, Wirt, I could've been talking about the secrets of the universe, and you would've missed it! Mean! What were you even looking at? There's nothing to see."
It was true. The world outside was a blur comprised of trees and craggy rocks, and they were the only passengers in the bus.
Wirt decided there was no point in lying and said, "I wasn't looking at anything— I was just thinking."
"Whatever you were thinking about, it can't be more important than me," Greg chirped.
"Your humble demeanor continues to astound me," Wirt said dryly. “It’s a phenomenon both archaic and wholly contemporary.”
“I have no idea what three of those words mean!”
Whatever witty reply Wirt had for that was discarded in favor of leaving the bus, which had finally stopped. He took his suitcase and lugged it off the vehicle, thanking the driver and making sure his brother had everything he needed.
There was no one waiting for them at the bus stop, which made the teen raise an eyebrow. Maybe there was a reason they were only now visiting this particular relative...
If Mom and Mark didn’t deserve a vacation, I never would have agreed to this, Wirt thought. He headed into town, figuring they could find someone would know where they needed to go. Greg, unconcerned by their lack of supervision, bounded after him.
“Oh, we’re going over to Gravity Falls, and a new adventure calls,” he sang brightly. Wirt promptly tuned him out, not wanting another repeat of “Adelaide Parade.” Years after their stint in the Unknown, that song haunted him.
After a bit of helpless wandering, Wirt managed to catch the attention of a passerby. “Excuse me, um, can you tell us where Fay Anderson lives? We’re her nephews from out of town, and, uh, she didn’t come to pick us up or anything. And we don’t have her address.”
The woman tapped her chin thoughtfully. “Honestly, I can’t say that I do. But if anyone knows your aunt, it’ll be a Pines.”
“Like the tree? We have to ask a tree for help?” Greg lit up. “That’s awesome!”
“I want nothing more to do with magic trees,” Wirt muttered. He prayed that wasn’t what the woman meant. Sentient trees? Trees that were people? No, thank you— Wirt was done with those.
“No, not the tree,” she laughed. “There’s a family here called the Pines family. They’ve lived here for decades, and the kids run around helping the town so much, they kind of have to know everyone. They own a place called the Mystery Shack. Here, I’ll give you directions.”
A few minutes later, Wirt walked away with a scribbled map in hand. It led him and Greg to a rickety building in a heavily wooded area. Just by giving it a once over, he could tell it was a tourist trap. Well, no matter. He'd accept being conned if the people in there could actually help them.
The brothers found themselves surrounded by (frankly creepy) merchandise the second they stepped inside. A girl with long, curly brown hair greeted them from the counter.
“Hey, there aren’t any tours going on right now, but feel free to look around!”
“Um, no, we actually came here for directions?” Wirt said awkwardly. “Would you happen to know a Fay Anderson? She’s our aunt, and we came from New England to visit her, but we have no idea where she lives.”
“Fay… that sounds super familiar. Think she called Dipper in like a week ago— DIPPER!” The girl shouted. “GET DOWN HERE!”
An answering scream came from somewhere above them, and a boy ran down the stairs.
Perhaps this wouldn’t be so strange if he weren’t being chased by a cloud of tiny, fluttering blue creatures.
“What the heck, Dip-dop!” The cashier cried. “What are—”
“The pixies got loose, and I think they’re still mad about last time!” He yelled. One of the blue creatures grabbed his hair and yanked, causing him to yelp in pain. “Mabel, fucking do something!”
She rummaged under the counter and emerged with a can of mace. “Duck!”
He did as she asked, and she sprayed a massive cloud of the aerosol at the pixies. They dropped immediately, falling to the ground with muted thuds. Suddenly free of attackers, the boy tripped over himself and crashed to the floor at Wirt’s feet.
As the teen gaped at the spectacle, the boy looked up through his eyelashes and groaned, “Welcome to the Mystery Shack. How can I help you?”
-
After the pixies were cleared from the floor and the boy was back on his feet, he managed to properly introduce himself.
“I’m Dipper Pines, that’s my sister Mabel, and this place is run by our uncles, Stan and Ford,” he rattled off. “And I’m gonna assume from Mabel’s yelling that you’re not here to buy overpriced things and believe in the 'magic' of eight-eyed deer.”
“Uh, I’m Wirt…”
“And I’m Greg!” The younger boy exclaimed.
“…yeah, and we wanted directions. Your sister said that you might know our aunt, Fay. And some lady on the street directed us here in the first place, because your family’s really well known, and you help out the townspeople a lot, and I’m rambling, so I’m just gonna stop talking.” Wirt babbled. Mortified, he contemplated sinking into the floor and/or dying on the spot.
“Yeah, I think I do. She called me a little while ago about this spirit that was haunting her house,” Dipper mused. “I remember it fondly because for once, I didn’t have to exorcise the ghost. It just passed on after I talked to it.”
Wirt startled. “Wait, wait, did you just say you exorcised a ghost for her? What?”
Blinking, Dipper said slowly, “Well, uh, this town is chock full of paranormal entities. Not just ghosts, but gnomes and unicorns and… you just saw the pixies. There’s probably more. I definitely don’t know everything.”
“That’s classic Gravity Falls, Wirt!” Mabel sang. “There’s a lot of weird stuff going on here! If you’re gonna be staying long, it’s best you know that now.”
“Wow, so this stuff is real?” Greg marveled, pointing at the displays. “That’s just like in The Unknown! Do you have pumpkin people and talking bluebirds?”
“Haven’t seen any of those, no,” Dipper shrugged. “There’s a talking bear, though. Multi-bear… wait, does that count as one bear or several?”
“It’s got lots of heads. I think that counts as multiple,” his sister pointed out.
“Yeah, it’s in the name… anyway, oh my god, I’m sorry. That’s totally not the point, and you look a tad freaked out. Did… did nobody tell you about this town being strange?”
“Nope,” Wirt wheezed. The things he just heard combined with the oppressive woods blanketing the state threw him headfirst into memories of The Unknown. He was really regretting coming here now.
Oh, Mom, why couldn’t you have just taken us with you? We wouldn’t have been that irritating, would we?
“Well, er, that’s how things are,” the boy said nervously. “Anyway, I can lead you to your aunt’s house. It’s a little far, so we better move fast.”
Mabel sang a goodbye before turning back to the counter.
While they walked, Greg took it upon himself to chatter at Dipper. “Are you a ghostbuster? Like in the movie? Do you have cool weapons?”
“Um, not really. Like I said, ghosts aren't the only weird creatures around here. Once, I had to chase werewolves away from the Corduroy house. Then I scared off the gnomes terrorizing Lazy Susan, and there was that one time there was a mermaid in the pool and Mabel and I had to get him back into the sea… lots of other stuff, too. And I don’t have weapons, really, except a silver knife. But that’s more for blood oaths. Mostly.”
Wirt stared at him. “And you’ve just. Accepted this. You’re totally okay with being the town hero and probably almost dying, like, all the time.”
Dipper reddened at being called a hero, but recovered enough to say, “Nothing will ever top the craziness of our first summer here, so, yeah. I guess I am okay with it. Also, this is Fay's place.”
Wirt glanced toward the house they’d stopped in front of. It was small, cozy, and far too normal-looking to have once been inhabited by a ghost. Greg hurried up the steps and knocked on the door.
After a beat, a sleepy woman splattered with paint opened it. She squinted at Greg in surprise.
“Who are— oh, shit. Lia’s kid. I thought you weren’t coming for a couple more days,” she muttered. “Say, don’t you look a little young? Thought you’d be in high school by now.”
“You’re probably thinking about me,” Wirt managed to say. “He’s my younger brother.”
At this, Fay finally noticed Wirt and Dipper, who were both hovering at the bottom of the stairs. “Oh,” she hummed.
“I’ll see you later, probably,” Dipper nodded at the pair. “Have fun on your first day here.”
“Uh, yeah. Bye. Thanks for helping us find her house,” Wirt stammered. The boy smiled before ambling off, leaving Wirt and Greg with their aunt.
“Come on in,” Fay waved them in. “Excuse the mess.”
-
An hour passed, and Wirt came to the conclusion that his aunt was a scatter-brained artist better suited to a quirky romance novel than to real life. He winced immediately after thinking it, because it was kind of mean, and he wasn’t the most normal person, either. Still, it was abundantly clear that Fay wasn’t the type of person who should be trusted with kids.
He pulled out his phone and texted Sara. Once, the motion would have caused him a wave of anxiety, but now that they’d become friends, it felt much more natural to start a conversation with her.
Wirt: Are you there?
Sara: yeah what’s up
Wirt: I’m pretty sure my aunt isn’t qualified to take care of herself, let alone us.
Wirt: Also, this town is haunted and filled with all sorts of other creepy things.
Sara: omg what?? are you gonna be okay?
Wirt: I really hope so. I’m not mentally prepared to deal with anything more than one supernatural life experience.
Sara: oh boy well i hope you make it out alive
Sara: are there any cute girls/guys/otherwise ppl, at least?
Against his will, Wirt’s mind flashed to Dipper. He was instantly horrified. I just met him!
Sara: holy shit i wasn’t serious but you hesitated
Sara: who is it?? and are you actually ever gonna talk to them or will you stare from afar like you did to me?
Wirt felt himself blush. Will you ever let that go?
Sara: hell no you made me a mixtape and left it in my jacket pocket. so old school. really sweet, but also super dated haha. anyway you’re over me so who’s the new person?
Wirt: I don’t think I actually like him or anything! We just met! But he works at this place called the Mystery Shack and apparently, he’s the go to supernatural hunter here? Everyone in town knows their family and vice versa.
Sara: and you think he’s cute
Wirt: This conversation is over; you’re a terror. I regret making friends with you.
Sara: 1) no you don’t i’m your favorite 2) did you really just use a semicolon in a text you old man and 3) you didn’t deny it!!!
Wirt shut off his phone and threw it across the bed. In doing so, he missed Sara’s next message.
Sara: i have a new goal and it’s getting you with this guy
The second day in Gravity Falls had Wirt already over this vacation business. Fay wasn’t there in the morning when he woke up, having gone out somewhere with only a sticky note plastered to the table as a heads up, and she’d essentially left him and Greg to fend for themselves.
When Greg awoke an hour later, Wirt was furiously shuffling through his money, trying to see if they had enough to go out for breakfast and get some groceries for the empty fridge.
“What’s that frown for, brother o’ mine? It’s a new summer day!”
“Yeah, a new day where we don’t have food because our aunt is incompetent,” Wirt muttered under his breath. Out loud, he said, “Let’s go find a place to eat.”
“Ooh, an adventure!” Greg said happily. “Onward!”
A good ten minutes of wandering got them to a place called Greasy’s, which was apparently the town's equivalent of a Waffle House. Wirt walked in gratefully and to his surprise, was greeted by a cheery voice.
“Hey, Wirt!” Mabel Pines chirped. She and her brother were sharing a booth next to a window, and the girl waved him over. He and Greg took the side of the table opposite the twins, and in a minute, the waitress came to take their order.
Dipper smiled at Wirt, clearly still half-asleep, and Wirt almost had a heart attack. Unbidden, his conversation with Sara floated into his mind. Oh, no, he thought fearfully. He's cute.
“So, how come you came to Greasy’s? Wanted the authentic Gravity Falls experience?” Mabel asked. She popped a bite of waffle into her mouth as she spoke.
“No, there was no food in the house, and our aunt went… somewhere. We don’t even know where,” Wirt replied, trying to control his breathing. “We’re lucky we found this place.”
“It was an adventure,” Greg said solemnly.
“Heh, coming here? Not the best adventure you can have in this town, I promise. If you want to have fun instead of waiting for your aunt, I can show you plenty of cool places,” Dipper offered. “Nowhere too dangerous, of course.”
“But the danger makes it better,” Greg gasped. Wirt clamped a hand over his mouth.
“Nope, nope, no danger allowed. We’ve seen enough.”
Greg licked his palm to get free, pouting. “You’re a worry-Wirt. Stop it.”
“I'm sorry that I don't want to be eaten by werewolves,” the elder brother said dryly.
“What do you want to do?” Dipper questioned. “There’s a lot of mysterious stuff in the woods.”
“Ooh, they might like the place with the unicorns,” Mabel said. “It’s super pretty. And the unicorns won’t mess with you if I’m there.”
“I feel like there’s a long story behind that statement,” Wirt murmured, raising an eyebrow.
Mabel grinned wickedly. “If you wanna keep it short, my friends and I beat up a bunch of unicorns that were being rude. Now they’re all scared of us.”
“Why would you beat up a unicorn?” Greg wondered. “I thought they were nice.”
Dipper and Mabel simultaneously choked. “Nope,” Dipper wheezed. “Definitely not.”
“So, we needed some unicorn hair for magic purposes, and my friends and I went into the woods to find them. One tricked me into thinking I was an evil person,” Mabel grumbled. “And so Wendy and Candy and Grenda were gonna fight it, and then some other ones showed up and we figured out the first one was a liar. So we kicked their butts and got all the unicorn hair we needed! Problem solved! Permanently!”
Wirt gaped helplessly. “That’s nice?”
“It makes for a great story at parties,” she replied. “But I get the feeling that you wouldn’t like that, which is totally fair.”
Under the table, Wirt hurriedly texted Sara. Help, I think the cute boy and his sister are a little crazy.
Sara: aren’t we all
Sara: but give me details!
He was interrupted by their food arriving and quickly tapped out, Later, be right back.
Sara: i can’t believe you type out acronyms are you like 60
Sara: smh you’re hopeless
Sara: also bailing on details at the last second? rude af
After they finished their breakfast, Dipper and Mabel walked back to the Shack, discussing where to take the siblings as they did. With nothing else to do, Wirt and Greg followed them.
“The place with the growing and shrinking crystals? Those were fun!” Mabel said.
Shuddering, Dipper vetoed the idea. “No, I still have nightmares about Gideon shrinking us! What about where the gnomes live?”
“I have nightmares about them trying to marry me! When I was twelve!”
“Uh, the lake with the sirens? Wait, no, we might drown. What isn’t murderous?”
Mabel snapped her fingers. “Why don’t you take them to Multi-bear? He’s your friend, right?”
“The talking bear you mentioned yesterday? I wanna see it!” Greg said excitedly. “He sounds just like Beatrice and Fred!”
Dipper considered. “Yeah, Multi-bear’s cool. We just have to stay far away from Man-o-taur territory when we walk up there. They never did forgive me for insulting them... What about it, Wirt, you wanna see a talking bear with lots of heads?”
“As long as it doesn’t try to eat us, sure. Also, after we get back from that, can you show me where a grocery store is? I need to get something so we don’t starve.”
“Yeah, no problem,” the boy said. “Also, Mabel, where did you put my hat?”
“I can’t believe it took so long for you to notice you didn’t have it,” she chortled. “Here, I hid it in my hoodie’s pocket, which was like, so obvious, bro-bro.”
“I noticed you took it; I just didn’t say anything,” Dipper huffed. “There’s a difference.”
He took a battered white baseball cap from her and put it on. When Wirt looked at the front of that cap, he saw that it wasn’t for any team. Instead, it had a faded blue pine tree as the logo.
“A pine tree,” he laughed quietly. “That’s fitting.”
Dipper flicked the bill of the cap. “I mean, it was coincidental when I got it, but yeah, it’s pretty fitting.” He smiled at Wirt again, causing another improper heart palpitation. “Anyway, do you guys have decent shoes on? ‘Cause if you do, we can go up right now.”
“We have sneakers. Does that work?” Greg asked.
“Good enough. See you back at the shack, Mabel,” Dipper said. “Don’t set anything on fire.”
“Pssh, I wouldn’t set it on fire! But I am gonna hit up the front with a glitter cannon and call it fairy dust. Grunkle Stan already approved of it! He said I’m his favorite conwoman.”
Dipper sighed. “If I get back and there’s glitter on my stuff, I swear to god I’m chucking that cannon straight into the lake.”
Mabel winked at him. “No promises!”
They split apart, Dipper leading the brothers into the woods and Mabel slipping into their house. Blinking at her retreating back, Greg asked, “Doesn't Mabel want to come?”
“It's not that she doesn't want to. Someone’s gotta run the cash register, and she’s both the better conwoman and businesswoman,” Dipper rolled his eyes. “Grunkle Stan wouldn’t let both of us skip work, anyway.”
“Well, that’s a sound business practice,” Wirt said, only slightly teasing. “Having the better conwoman take the reins.”
“Oh, yeah, a teenage girl sweet-talking you out of all your money is classic business,” Dipper scoffed. “A practice implemented everywhere in the world.”
Wirt couldn’t help but laugh at that, though he was abruptly cut off by a branch smacking into his face. Horrified at his own clumsiness, he ducked under it and trailed after Dipper, who was telling Greg about a day when Mabel had run the Shack and Stan had lost thousands of dollars because he didn’t remember the word “please.”
Their impromptu tour guide led them through the forest and toward a more mountainous area. Wirt wasn’t sure whether he should be grateful they were away from the woods or cursing because he was not made for walking uphill.
“Hey, Wirt, what rhymes with Multi-bear?” Greg asked, interrupting Wirt’s internal monologue of suffering.
“I don’t know about the multi part, but um, there’s lots of things that rhyme with bear. Hair, fair, mare, where, share, pear… lair?”
Greg clapped. “Lair is good! I’m gonna make a new song for the bear and sing it to him! Does he like music?” The last part of his spiel was directed at Dipper.
“Oh, yeah,” the boy replied. “He loves 80’s pop. Like ABBA, seriously, he has these vintage records of their songs. I have no clue how or where he got them.”
Wirt blinked. “Does… does he have a record player to go with them?”
“He sure does. No idea how he got that, either.”
When they were about halfway to the Multi-bear’s cave, an ear-splitting screech echoed overhead. Wirt winced and covered his ears as the sound continued, and Dipper turned his face to the sky.
“Was that— oh, no,” he muttered. His eyes went wide with horror.
“What?” Wirt said frantically. “That didn’t sound good. What’s going on?”
“That sounded like a Nevermore— but they shouldn’t be here! Ford called that Huntress to get rid of them two years ago!”
Greg pointed above them. “Is that it?”
Wirt glanced upward and immediately regretted doing so. Circling over the three boys was a massive bird, easily as big as a plane. Somehow, he could tell it wasn’t happy. It drew back, raising its wings in warning, and Dipper yelped.
“Run! It’s going to—”
He was interrupted by a hail of knife-sharp feathers shooting towards them. Wirt ducked, dragging Greg down with him. Dipper flattened himself against the rock face and whispered,
“Do that.”
“What do we do?” Wirt screeched. He was not prepared to deal with a killer bird, not at all. And judging by Dipper’s expression, neither was he!
“Um, oh God, the Huntress who killed the last few had like, a massive scythe! There’s nothing we can do— unless I summon a demon or raise the dead again, but those things didn’t go well the first few times!”
“Hey, it’s coming closer!” Greg called.
Dipper hissed through his teeth and started rummaging around in his vest’s inner pocket. To Wirt’s surprise, he pulled out what looked like a gun.
“What’s that gonna do? That bird thing is huge!” And getting huger, because it was coming right at them, cheese and crackers, this was the impending train crash all over again—
“Grab on to me!” Dipper replied.
Shrieking, Wirt argued, “Why? What will that do?!”
“Just trust me!”
Wirt grabbed on to him. Following his brother’s lead without question (as he always had), Greg did the same.
Dipper launched them off the mountain. The Nevermore swooped over their heads, unable to follow them as they hurtled into the trees. Wirt cried out, partly in terror and partly in pain, because tree branches were not forgiving. Apparently unaffected by the whole ordeal, Greg cheered.
Just before they smashed into the ground and turned into the same type of pancakes Mabel had for breakfast, Dipper lifted the gun. When he fired, a cord shot out and tangled around a branch, going taut instantly. It slowed their descent enough for them to roll over the ground rather than plow into it.
There was a moment of silence before Greg whooped, “That was so AMAZING!”
Wirt stared at Dipper in complete shock and awe. “You saved us. Just like that. How did you even—”
He grinned, a little sheepish. “Instinct and a good grappling hook. Mabel gave it to me when I went to go look at this mine filled with dinosaurs a few days ago, said I was gonna need it to get out. Guess it’s a good thing I forgot to give it back.”
“Can we do that again?” Greg said, bouncing in place.
“No!” Wirt snapped.
“Yeah, uh, I think my shoulder’s dislocated, so…” Dipper said, poking the injured arm. “We’re not the lightest people ever, and gravity and physics dictate— oh, who cares. Let’s go home. We can see the Multi-bear some other time, yeah?”
He picked himself up off the ground and led them back toward the town.
(And if Wirt let Dipper lean on him when the pain got too much, well, that was his business.)
-
When they got back to the Shack, it was absolutely bathed in glitter. From the porch, Mabel fired the cannon again, drenching all three of them in another wave of sparkles.
Dipper spat out a cloud of it. Their previous panic faded away as Wirt and Greg both burst into laughter at the sight of the other teen, whose grim visage was coated in a fine layer of pink and purple.
Okay, Wirt thought, watching Dipper shake glitter out of his hair and chase Mabel around the Shack, dislocated shoulder be damned. Maybe this trip won’t be so bad after all.
(His next text to Sara was,
Today we almost got killed by a giant bird. But that aforementioned cute boy saved us.
Sara: oh my god wirt what the hell did you get yourself into)