On the morning of September 3rd, 1999, Kurapika wakes up with the taste of sugar and blood lingering on his tongue, and wonders if that's what betrayal tastes like.
He runs through a checklist in his mind: things he was supposed to do(meet Gon, Killua, and Leorio, two days ago), things he's done(work with the mafia, partner with Hisoka, kill Uvogin), things he still needs to do(acquire a pair of his family's eyes for that child, meet the others, if they're still willing).
He reaches for his phone, checks his messages, and realizes he has a lot of them. He's mostly been ignoring it, if it isn't something related to his work.
Three voicemails, and a dizzying amount of texts. He'll start with the voicemails.
[September 1st, 9:37 PM]
"Hey, Kurapika! It's Gon! I guess you could probably tell, huh?" He laughs. "Uh, you were supposed to meet us today. I guess you forgot. Or maybe you're busy? It's okay, you can come tomorrow! I just wanted to say hi, really. We haven't talked in forever! So, um... Hi! Okay, I don't really have anything else to say... Well, I do, but I want to tell you all of it in person! See you tomorrow, okay?"
[September 1st, 11:15 PM]
"Hey. Kurapika. Why didn't you show up today? Gon seems pretty disappointed. This is Leorio, by the way. You know, the guy from the Hunter Exam, in case you've forgotten we all exist. Wouldn't really put it past you. Get over here, damn it."
[September 2nd, 10:23 PM]
"Where the hell are you? September 1st, remember? Also known as yesterday, if you forgot. Look, you may not give a damn, but Gon wants to talk to you. You seriously just going to ditch us all like this?" There's spite clear in his tone. "I know you're all busy with the stuff about your family, but sparing a thought for your friends every now and then would be great, you know. What'd you do, run off with Hisoka or something?"
Not too far off, he thinks, staring at the ceiling. He doesn't exactly relish the new partnership--the opposite, in fact. He loathes it. It's disgusting and it makes him feel sick just to think about. But he already decided he'd do anything to avenge his clan, to get his family's eyes back. No matter how far he ends up falling, it'll be worth it as long as he can reach his goal.
Won't it?
His grip on the phone has tightened to the point that his knuckles are turning white. That line of thought is one that doesn't bear thinking about, so he won't. He's already learned to compartmentalize, but it looks like he'll have to get much better at it.
Text messages. Right.
[Gon] hey! we missed u again today :( can u come tomorrow
[Gon] it's ok if u can't but i want to talk so please come :)
[Gon] it's been months -_-
[Gon] lots of stuff has happened! i bet u did lots of cool things too
[Gon] i want to hear all about it. ok?
[Gon] see u tomorrow maybe :D
[Leorio] i am going to throttle you.
[Leorio] or i would.
[Leorio] you're lucky i want to be a doctor.
[Hisoka] I look forward to working with you ❤
[Melody] Kurapika, are you doing all right? Your heartbeat last night really worried me. Did something happen? Please talk to me when you wake up.
[Neon] make sure to get the eyes for me, ok??? i reeeeeeaaaaaaaaally want to see them ❤❤❤
He deliberates over who to respond to. He doesn't want to ignore Gon, but he also doesn't want to get the boy's hopes up. Leorio's messages don't need replies. Hisoka... he doesn't want to reply, and he knows the message was probably only sent to try and elicit a reaction from him. He won't give the bastard that satisfaction.
He pauses at Neon's message, and decides to reply to that one.
[Kurapika] Of course. Don't worry about it.
It doesn't take long before another message arrives as a reply.
[Neon] ur the best! thx pika ❤❤❤
Pika? He's... not sure he likes that. But it doesn't bear responding to, and anyway, there's no guarantee it would do anything. Now for Melody.
[Kurapika] I'm fine. Thank you for your concern.
[Melody] I suppose I can't make you talk to me. I'm here if you need me.
[Kurapika] Thank you. I'll keep that in mind.
He won't do anything, of course, and he's sure she knows that. It's not her burden to bear, anyway. The things he does for his clan's sake are his problem and his alone.
He can still feel the way Uvogin's flesh gave way beneath his fist, the way the man's blood coated his skin. The words he spat out, kill me, just kill me, his dogged loyalty and refusal to speak even though he was suffering, though his life was at risk. That level of loyalty... if he wasn't a damn Spider, Kurapika would call it impressive. Truthfully, it's impressive anyway--but his loyalty to the Troupe doesn't make him a good person.
It doesn't matter. Kurapika killed him, crushed him as he should have been crushed a long time ago. He feels no guilt. None. He refuses to feel any guilt. Yes, he practically tortured a man, yes, he killed him. He paired up with a murderer, too. But he doesn't feel guilty.
He can't feel guilty, can't falter in his resolve for even a second. If he does that, it's all over. If he allows himself to think, even for a moment, that there's any action that's too far, too much, then he'll already have failed.
It doesn't matter what he does. It doesn't matter if he hurts or kills the Spiders. He'll take each leg and crush it, and crush the head, too--he'll kill all of them, every single one of them, and he'll take his clan's eyes back and lay them to rest. And then...
And then what?
How much time will he even have left, at that point? And will it really even matter? By that point, his hands will be covered in so much blood that even the people who call themselves his friends will have learned to hate him.
That doesn't matter, either. (He'll tell himself that as many times as he needs to, and eventually he might even believe it.)
There's no point in thinking about the future now, when he's nowhere near close to completing his task. Later, he'll decide what to do with himself when it's over. For now, he still has work to do.
He crawls out of bed slowly, testing to see if his legs can still support him after last night's events, and then goes to prepare himself for the day. He has an auction to attend and a pair of the scarlet eyes to acquire, after all.
And that's all that matters.