King of Pain

Three, two, one...

Today. Again.

Kihyun peels one eye open and stares at the beams of light that pass through the blinds. It only takes him a minute. He takes a deep breath and stretches his legs, feeling for the cold patches his body left untouched for the past few hours. I’m sweaty, he realizes. Of course he’s sweaty. He’s always sweaty in the mornings, it’s summer! And how tired of summer Kihyun is by now. He’s tired of fighting mosquitoes, he’s tired of sweating for no reason, he’s tired of cold drinks and cicadas, he’s tired of fireflies, he’s tired of beaches and certain bitches, and he’s so very tired of not knowing what to dress because it’s summer! Clothes? They’re just sweat sponges. Who needs to look nice? Who wants to look nice. It’s. Summer! Whatever effort Kihyun would like to put into his image every morning will melt before the clock reaches 12PM.

Of course not everybody shares this opinion in particular. There are people who love summer. Sena is one of them.

“How do I look?” she asks, chirpy and halfway through putting on one of her big hoop earrings as she walks out of the en suite bathroom. 

Kihyun sits up, feels his hair stand up to attention the way soldiers do. “Hm…” He raises both eyebrows in an attempt to open both eyes even more. “Beautiful,” he says. It’s not a lie. Sena has always been and will always be beautiful. But she doesn’t need Kihyun to tell her that.

“Aw,” Sena coos, walking closer to the bed to sit down as she pulls on her shoes. Somehow, her outfit doesn’t look like the ‘I stayed over at my boyfriend’s and now I have to wear the same outfit twice’ kind of look. The dress isn’t even wrinkled. “Thank you. I’m having dinner with my mother tonight,” she says. “So you’ll have to keep yourself entertained.”

“Always do,” Kihyun sighs, reaching up to rub at the back of his neck. He breathes loudly through his nose in another sigh and watches his girlfriend while she checks herself out in the long mirror. “I’ll just… order pizza and watch some TV,” he mumbles. 

“Sounds nice,” Sena says, like she wasn’t actually listening and just flicked through her mental rolodex of appropriate answers. She picks up her purse from the top of Kihyun’s dresser, walks closer and gives Kihyun a quick kiss on the lips. “See you tomorrow.”

“See ya…” Kihyun says with a half-hearted wave and a polite smile that vanishes the moment Sena is out of sight. Kihyun rolls his eyes and lets himself fall back onto the bed with a loud groan. “Bitch,” he adds in a mutter while he stares at the ceiling.

Now… What to do today? After all, today is today again. But it doesn’t mean it has to be the same today everyday, now, does it? Obviously, some things don’t change. The sun still rises from the east and sets in the west. Kihyun still get a stupid, meaningless kiss on the lips every morning after answering ‘beautiful’ to a foolish question. Why does she need me to tell her something she already knows, anyway?

“Hey, Siri,” Kihyun tries, frowning at the ceiling, “Do you have a boyfriend?”

His phone beeps. “No, but I am always dating. Try saying, Hey Siri, what’s the date?”

That’s not very helpful now, is it?

“Siri,” Kihyun tries again, “What’s the meaning of life?”

“I don’t know, but I think there is an app for that.”

“Siri,” Kihyun sighs, sitting up again. “Do you believe in God?”

“Humans have religion. I just have silicon.”

“Hah,” Kihyun huffs. “Believe me, there’s plenty of people out there with plenty of silicone implants.” Although I’m sure that’s not what you meant. “I just realized I assumed your sexuality because your voice is in a higher setting. Siri, do you have a girlfriend?”

“My end user license agreement is commitment enough for me.”

“Somehow, I feel like you and Sena are besties,” Kihyun scoffs, kicking the covers away and getting out of bed. He glances at his phone by his pillow and shakes his head. “I’m being ganged up on.”

Yesterday, Kihyun took a shower first thing after getting up. Today, he has breakfast first while he watches the news. He hasn’t watched the news in ages. Seriously, how long has it been? ‘Body of Seoul’s missing mayor found after massive search’. Oh, how Kihyun wishes he could keep up with this story. But they never develop, do they? Not really. ‘North Korea to counter -nuclear with nuclear- against the US’. Nothing new there. Just another story that won’t develop.

Once he’s done with breakfast, Kihyun finally takes a shower, and then spends the rest of his morning on his laptop, listening to music and scrolling down a couple of tumblr art accounts. It’s when he decides that it’s time to get some more food in his system, that he comes across a piece of digital art of Hong Kong. Which… is somewhere he’s never been before.

I’m going to Hong Kong, tomorrow, he thinks, opening a new tab and checking today’s flights. There’s one quite early… 11AM is quite doable, right? It’s a three hours flight from Seoul to Hong Kong. Which means there’s still plenty of time to look around.

The sound of a wheel turning really fast makes Kihyun’s attention crawl back from wonderland. He glances up at the hamster cage by the TV to see his idiot hamster do its morning exercise. You should be dead, Kihyun thinks. Hamsters don’t live that long, after all. And yet, this one is, at the same time, six months old and three years old. Ah… three years. How time passes.

Kihyun rolls his eyes and smiles small, pushing his laptop aside and standing up. “See? You’re making me sentimental, you stupid creature,” he coos at the hamster. It stops speeding on the wheel just fast enough to get flung towards the other side of the cage. “Oh boy, are you okay, hammy?” Kihyun laughs, fitting his pinky through the cage to let the hamster sniff it. “I’ll let you out later, I promise.” Yep, I’ve gone insane, I’m talking to my hamster.

What’s for lunch? Well. Kihyun likes variety. Sometimes he orders food. Sometimes he cooks. Sometimes he hits up the neighbor. Variety! And speaking of which…

Kihyun slowly moves closer to the window that opens into the balcony and pastes his forehead to the glass. He peeks at the clock on the wall and smiles small, licking his lips as he counts to himself. Three, two, one… He opens the window and steps outside, kind of at the same time as his neighbor does. Nice bed hair, Kihyun muses.

“Good morning, ” he says, smiling small at the black haired guy on the neighboring balcony. Kihyun lives on the last floor of a six storey building, and he shares the city view with two other neighbors. One is an old man. The other is Im Changkyun, the pretty-faced baby that’s now facing him.

“Morning,” Changkyun greets with a smile, voice a little groggy with disuse. He’s holding up the small watering can like it’s a wave. Changkyun’s balcony has quite a few plants, and a litter box hidden cleverly inside a wooden box that supports even more plants.

Kihyun watches the guy carefully water his plants for a moment and then asks, “Are you free today?” He already knows the answer to that question, but time has taught him that there’s a lot of things that can’t be skipped if he wants other things to happen.

“Uhm,” Changkyun blinks. He’s always a little caught off guard. “Yep. And you..?”

“Very free,” Kihyun scoffs, looking away and then shrugging before looking back to Changkyun. “Also very bored… So… I was wondering if you’d like to come over? You can bring the cat… He can… stare at my hamster.” It always does, anyway.

“I--” Changkyun laughs, face going through an array of surprise and confused expressions. “I mean, sure? Okay, uhm--” Changkyun blushes a little pink and points back to his apartment, sloshing a bit of water on himself but ignoring it. “Shower, then I’ll come over..?”

Kihyun smiles and nods. “Sounds great!”

“Great!” Changkyun chirps, stepping back inside his apartment before poking his head out again to squint at Kihyun suspiciously for a second before disappearing again. Cute.

How many times has it been? Plenty. But not nearly enough, apparently.

Kihyun plays with his hamster for the amount of time that it takes Changkyun to get ready. It’s already 1PM when Kihyun hears the familiar knock on the front door. So, he puts the hamster back in its cage and gives himself a look in the mirror by the entrance before opening the door.

Changkyun’s white cat, with brown tipped ears and a lightly striped tail, is wiggling in his arms like he’s being held hostage. Changkyun laughs when it jumps out of his hands and runs right into Kihyun’s apartment. “Hey,” Changkyun laughs, not quite looking Kihyun in the eye (yet), plastic bag of snacks hanging off his arm. “Sorry, he just--” Changkyun gestures to his cat. “Does whatever the hell he wants to...”

I want to kiss you, Kihyun thinks. And then mentally slaps himself. “As do all cats,” he says, smiling small and glaring at his reflection in the mirror when he catches his own eye. Stop. Feeling. Things! “Believe me, I’m my hamster’s pet. Not the other way around. Don’t let the cage convince you otherwise. I’m the one who’s stuck.” Literally.

“Should have suggested a lunch downtown, then,” Changkyun jokes. “Er, can I come in? I think this thing is cutting off my circulation--” Changkyun says, shifting the bag to his other arm.

“Oh!” Kihyun pulls the door wide open as he steps aside. “Please, sorry…”

“It’s okay,” Changkyun smiles, gaping a little as he looks around. “Wah, this is so weird! It looks like my apartment, but not. They really do copy and paste these places, huh?”

“Obviously. It’s a simulation, after all,” Kihyun scoffs, closing the door and sighing small. Okay, here goes nothing! Don’t fuck it up-- Yes, that has happened… a couple of times, too.

Changkyun puts the bag down on the counter with a huff, rubbing at his arm and glancing a little shyly over at Kihyun. Kihyun gets why, though; they’ve never really talked before ‘today’. They greet each other when they see each other in the building, or even in the nearby supermarket, but that’s all. “I hope you like Mountain Dew,” Changkyun says. “And, er, caramel popcorn and chips..? It’s all I had and it’s not exactly lunch but I assumed you wanted to, er, h-hang out? Snacks are good for hanging out, and, uhm. Yeah.”

Kihyun smiles and nods. “I have salt and vinegar chips… And beer. And we can definitely order something more if we think we need to…” Kihyun puffs a breath. Why am I so nervous?! I’ve done this so many times!

“Cool,” Changkyun nods. “Cool, cool, cool, cool. So, uhm,” Changkyun leans against the kitchen counter, still sort of looking around at the apartment. “Why me?” Changkyun laughs. “I’m not trying to sound self-deprecating, just wondering if you’re as friendless as my ass.”

Kihyun tongues at the corner of his lips and looks down. “Well…” he tries. Might as well… tell the truth. An old truth, but a truth nonetheless. “I found out that my four years-long girlfriend has been cheating on me for the past… three years. And all the friends I have were her friends first. So…” Kihyun glances up. “You sort of… came up.”

“Oh,” Changkyun says, blinking, shoulders slumping and eyes suddenly concerned on Kihyun. “Oh, I’m… I’m really sorry, are you okay…?”

“Yeah,” Kihyun says. That’s not a lie, he is okay. It still hurts, but only because he has to relieve this hard truth every single day. “Not being okay is beyond the point… Doesn’t help. But a distraction is nice and…” Kihyun shrugs and smiles small. “You seemed like… a good distraction…”

Changkyun pouts and nods. “Okay,” he says once, and then again, more brightly this time. “Okay! I can distract,” Changkyun says, wiggling his shoulders as if in a little dance. “Distract, distract--Oh, movies? TV? Do you like those?” he laughs at the silliness of the question. “I have a Playstation I could bring over, and, er, exes! Exes to trash talk! Definitely got those.”

“Oh?” Kihyun raises both eyebrows and crosses his arms. “All of that sounds perfect! It’s early so… maybe some snacks, games and trash talk to open up?”

“Open up?” Changkyun teases. “Like, emotionally? ”

Kihyun blinks and then blushes. “Ah… I meant… Nevermind.” He laughs and shakes his head.

“And then ,” Changkyun emphasises with a swig of his beer. The sun set an hour or something ago, and Kihyun is quite comfortable on his couch, watching this boy rant. “He gets jealous over literally everything other than the things I want him to get jealous about? Like, show some possessiveness once in a while? But no, he’s jealous of… I don’t know, my grades, my relationship with my mother? Like what the hell is that about?”

Kihyun raises both eyebrows. “That’s… not very healthy…” he says, like he always says. But is he tired of it? Is he tired of hearing about this boy’s exes almost every single week? No. Which begs the question: Am I in love?! It’s the only reasonable explanation as to why Kihyun isn’t done with all of this, really.

“No!” Changkyun laughs. “It wasn’t! And I didn’t even know it then! Oh, and, and, and --” Changkyun says, sitting up straighter and shifting where he’s sat to bring his legs up onto the couch. He leans in a little to whisper loudly. “He never let me top. Ever .”

“That’s just so very sad,” Kihyun laughs.

“I swear, I say I have a bottoming preference once and suddenly my dick falls off or something,” Changkyun giggles.

“You look like a top to me, to be honest,” Kihyun casually chirps before taking a sip of his beer.

Changkyun squints. “I do..? Huh,” Changkyun takes another sip. “I can’t believe I’m talking about this with you…”

Kihyun frowns. “Why? It’s not like I’ll hold it against you. We’re bonding! ”

“How would you hold it against me?” Changkyun laughs. “Never gonna let me top either?” Aaaand there he goes, blushing and stuttering. “I--I was just joking--”

“I don’t have any secretly internalized homophobia that would make me shy away from the idea, so…” Kihyun shrugs. 

“Tea,” Changkyun says, raising his beer before finishing it. He puts it down on the coffee table and flops back onto the couch, eyes on Kihyun. “Can’t believe we’ve been living next to each other for ages but we’re only talking now… That was dumb.”

Kihyun smiles and puts his beer down before leaning back and glancing over. “Right…? I guess that’s the power of exes. They unite the likes of us.”

Changkyun smiles, and asks rather softly. “Are you going to break up with her..?”

“Kind of already have, although…” Kihyun rolls his eyes and shakes his head. “She wakes up every morning acting like she’s forgotten…” And in a way, she has… but I’m just so tired of it all.

Changkyun pouts. “How did you find out..?”

“Well,” Kihyun shifts and crosses his arms. “It was… a Saturday just like this one. She got up earlier than I did, got ready, kissed me goodbye and left looking as beautiful as ever.” He raises an eyebrow. “She’d told me she was going to have dinner with her mother. Who leaves at eight in the morning to have dinner with mom, anyway?” Kihyun scoffs and rolls his eyes.

“Careful not to be jealous,” Changkyun jokes softly.

“Right,” Kihyun chuckles. “Anyway, I… I never really cared. It’s just that after that one Saturday, it started happening every Saturday. Always the same thing… And one day, too curious for my own good, I called her mother to ask if her daughter was coming back late. She always did after all. And... The old lady had no idea of what I was talking about… So, when it happened again, I confronted Sena. It wasn’t pretty. Especially because then it happened again… And this time I saw it.”

“Oh my god,” Changkyun sort of breathes. He looks so concerned , he always does. “That sounds awful , I’m really so sorry…”

“That’s okay…”

“Did you love her?” Changkyun pouts.

“I did,” Kihyun nods. “Now I’m just angry because I lost months loving someone who was loving someone else.” Someone I’m still stuck with, in more ways than one.

Changkyun pouts some more and then smacks his cheek. “Aish, I’m doing a terrible job of distracting you!” Changkyun scolds himself with a laugh as he stands up and shakes his hands. “Do you dance?”

Kihyun blinks up and smiles small. This is different. “I can try, but don’t expect me to be amazing.”

“Never said I could dance,” Changkyun scoffs, reaching over for Kihyun’s wrist to pull him off from the couch and to his feet. “Besides, TikTok dances aren’t made to be difficult, but they are fun. Fun, fun, fun! And very distracting, obviously .”

“TikTok dances?” Kihyun laughs. Sometimes, even in the days when everything is the same, Changkyun always manages to do or say something different, something that changes everything. Maybe that’s why Kihyun likes him so much. Because he’s so unpredictable in the most extraordinary of ways. “D’you spend a lot of time on TikTok?”

“Eh, it numbs my brain before bed and sometimes makes me laugh at stupid shit. Mostly watch it for the cats, though,” Changkyun says, gesturing to his cat. It has been staring at Kihyun’s hamster for a good hour now. 

“Is that what you’re going to teach me, then?” Kihyun giggles.

“Yep! Like I said, brain numbing,” Changkyun laughs, reaching for his phone on the table. 

And that’s how they spend the next hour, with Changkyun taking Kihyun step by step through a short dance to a song called ‘Say So’. It’s silly, and fun, and they mess up a few times when they actually attempt to make the TikTok, and Changkyun giggles so much that when they do have it perfected, they’re both smiling like idiots throughout.

“Take that, you cheating bitch,” Changkyun says as he posts it. “Where can I send it to her?” Changkyun giggles, and Kihyun honestly can’t tell if he’s kidding or not.

“I’ll…” he tries, “I’ll text you her email...?”

“Eh, we’re hot, it’ll blow up and she’ll see it,” Changkyun grins.

“We’re hot?” Kihyun asks, trying to sound surprised.

Changkyun blushes but doesn’t look over. “Well, yes..? Did you not know?” Changkyun jokes, scrolling through his phone and peeking over. He’s so unbelievably endearing that if Kihyun wasn’t actually fully entertained with him all the time, kissing him would happen a lot earlier than it usually does.

“Haven’t heard that in a while, I suppose…” Kihyun tries. That one is a half truth. Because Changkyun has told him quite recently that he’s hot. In another context, of course. But he has. But yesterday has been today for a while. And tomorrow will be today, too. And from Changkyun’s perspective, it’s never happened before. It’s not like Sena ever called me hot… Probably just the one time, when we first kissed.

“Like I said,” Changkyun chirps, sitting down and melting into the couch like he’s hiding in it, phone pressed to his chin. “Should have invited me over earlier…”

Kihyun licks his lips and sits down with a huff. “Really should have,” he mumbles, chest feeling a little tight. Today will be over in a couple of hours. Even if Kihyun stays awake, today will be over when he falls asleep. “I, uhm…” He clears his throat. “I did say I don’t have any secretly internalized homophobia that would make me shy away from the idea, so… If…” Kihyun puffs his cheeks. Usually, we just kiss… Or I suck him off. Or… “If said idea ever crosses your mind, feel free to show up…”

Changkyun stares at him with wide eyes, face a bright shade of pink. “That’s--” Changkyun clears his throat. “Very--Very forward of you,” Changkyun says, and it would be accusatory, if Changkyun wasn’t smiling.

Kihyun opens his mouth and turns on the couch to look at Changkyun. “Actually! I’m dying, you see. So I’m just living on the edge.”

Changkyun barks a laugh, bringing his phone up as if to hide behind it, but peeking at Kihyun anyway. “You’re not going to doom me with some contagious disease, then? If I were to have the idea cross my mind.”

“I don’t think it’s contagious,” Kihyun scoffs, looking down. “I’m running out of lines…”

“And yet I’ve barely heard any,” Changkyun says.

“Have mercy on me, I only scored a cheating liar,” Kihyun laughs softly. “This would be a major improvement.”

Changkyun huffs a laugh, sitting up and putting his phone down, eyes down on his lap. “Improvement, and not… rebound?”

Kihyun pokes his top lip with the tip of his tongue and looks up. “Does it matter…?” He sighs small. “It’s not a rhetorical question…”

“I have a bit of a crush on you, so I suppose it does matter to me a little,” Changkyun smiles.

Yes, I know.

“Fancy that,” Kihyun huffs. “I have a bit of a crush on you. So I suppose rebounding would be the last thing on my mind.”

Changkyun smiles up, licking his lips and leaning closer to bump his head on Kihyun’s shoulder. “Then… Kiss me..?”

Kihyun takes a very needed deep breath. Because that? That he can’t get wrong. So he leans back just enough to cup at Changkyun’s cheek with one hand and then leans back in to kiss him. Changkyun makes a small noise, which he’s started doing, once Kihyun learned exactly how Changkyun likes to be kissed; with a little possessiveness but not too much, with a little assertiveness but only enough to instill a craving.

Changkyun leans back and blinks at Kihyun, cheeks a pretty red. He looks surprised and confused and it’s adorably endearing. Kihyun would say ‘I love you’. But he can’t. He can’t because that would be creepy. Because kissing someone the right way can be blamed on fate. But falling in love in a couple of hours can only be blamed on toxic obsession. It just so happens that they’ve kissed a thousand times before, even if for Changkyun it’s always the first time.

“You okay…?” Kihyun asks, thumbing softly at Changkyun’s cheek.

“Y--Yeah,” Changkyun breathes. “You’re a really good kisser,” Changkyun sort of laughs before pressing their lips together again. Kihyun takes the opportunity to move closer, and slowly pushes Changkyun back until he’s lying down, shifting on top of him and straddling his lap. Changkyun grips at Kihyun’s shirt, asking in a whisper between kisses. “Dying, huh..?” And bites softly at Kihyun’s bottom lip. “How long do you have?”

“Until I fall asleep,” Kihyun answers, leaning back to give Changkyun a look. “Why?”

Changkyun swallows small before throwing his legs up to wrap around Kihyun and pull him closer. He even has the gal to shrug innocently. “No time to waste, then?”

“Oh, thank god,” Kihyun sort of jokes, leaning in to kiss Changkyun again. 

Missed you. Always do. Always will.

Kihyun tries to stay awake as late as possible, but it never works like that. By the time it hits three o’clock, Kihyun knows his eyes will just fall shut and stay shut. But until then, he softly runs his hand through Changkyun’s hair, and stares, and wishes that he could just wake up to this instead of what he inevitably wakes up to. 

When he opens one eye the following morning, he stares at the beams of light that pass through the blinds again. It only takes him a minute. He takes a deep breath and stretches his legs, feeling for the cold patches his body left untouched for the past few hours. I’m sweaty, he realizes. And then sighs. I’m always sweaty.

“How do I look?” Sena asks, chirpy and halfway through putting on one of her big hoop earrings as she walks out of the en suite bathroom. 

Kihyun sits up, feels his hair stand up to attention the way soldiers do. “Hm…” He raises both eyebrows in an attempt to open both eyes even more. “Beautiful,” he says.

“Aw,” Sena coos, walking closer to the bed to sit down as she pulls on her shoes. “Thank you. I’m having dinner with my mother tonight,” she says. “So you’ll have to keep yourself entertained.”

“Always do,” Kihyun sighs, reaching up to rub at the back of his neck. He breathes loudly through his nose in another sigh and watches his girlfriend while she checks herself out in the long mirror. “I’ll just… order pizza and watch some TV,” he mumbles.

“Sounds nice,” Sena says, like she always does, neither here or there. She picks up her purse from the top of Kihyun’s dresser, walks closer and gives Kihyun a quick kiss on the lips. “See you tomorrow.”

“See ya…” Kihyun says with a half-hearted wave. This time, he doesn’t smile. Instead, he waits for his girlfriend to leave and then lets himself fall back. “So… That’s what anal feels like, huh?” No soreness, though. Is Changkyun just good at prepping, or is this just an unlikely benefit of all this? Hm. Who knows...

Now… What to do today? After all, today is today again. But it doesn’t mean it has to be the same today everyday, now, does it? Obviously, some things don’t change. The sun still rises from the east and sets in the west. Kihyun will still try to find a way into Changkyun’s life. And if that doesn’t work, he’ll just find something on Netflix to watch. Not like there’s that many shows left… If this keeps up, Kihyun will succeed in watching every movie ever made.

“Siri,” Kihyun tries. “Talk dirty to me.”

“The carpet needs vacuuming.”

“Oh,” Kihyun whines. “That just hits the spot. You nasty.”

Three, two, one… Kihyun opens the window and steps outside, kind of at the same time as his neighbor does. This time, however, Kihyun trips on his way out and slams his forehead on the railing. Was he staring too much? Was that it?! Whatever. It hurts! Ow!  

“Ow…” Kihyun whines, slapping both hands to his temples.

“Oh my god, are you okay?!”

Kihyun glances up and sees Changkyun looking at him with big, concerned eyes. “Y--Yeah, everything is fine… Sorry…” Ugh. Can I just start today all over again? “Sorry, good morning, have a nice day…” Ow, I have a concussion, Kihyun realizes on the way back in.

Three, two, one…

Why do I do this…? It’s not like Changkyun will remember. It’s not like it matters . It’s just that… Well, Changkyun was the first person to ask Kihyun if he was okay. A year into this entire mess, when Kihyun was ambling through a corridor with dead eyes and the bags of food he didn’t want to eat right after getting it delivered, Changkyun peeked his head out of his apartment and asked Kihyun if he was okay. 

Kihyun was everything but okay, of course. He had just thrown away his food after staring at how unappetizing it looked, and must have made quite a noise about it for Changkyun to know he was out there. 

‘Are you alright…?’

It was a simple question, but a genuine one. Enough to spark an intrigue in Kihyun that hasn’t diminished quite yet.

“Good morning ,” Kihyun therefore greets, most days, nearly every day. And there hasn’t been a day where Changkyun hasn’t taken up whatever offer Kihyun presents to him.

Three, two, one…  

It always starts like that, but it never ends the same. And sometimes, it ends before it even begins.

“I really wanna have sex with you,” Kihyun blurts out as a greeting, arms crossed, eyes narrowed at Changkyun. “Again.”

And, rightfully so, Changkyun looks mildly horrified. “Ex-- What?! ”

Kihyun opens his mouth, closes it, realizes that he just about lost it again and did something incredibly stupid, and lifts one finger. “Give me a minute,” he says, turning back around and walking into his living room. He stares at the couch. He knows that his heart is beating really fast but he ignores it, knows that he’s starting to breathe really fast, too.

Oh. It’s one of those again…

“Yeah, I’ll just--” Kihyun turns back towards the balcony, glances at a gaping Changkyun and says. “I’m so sorry about this,” before tipping over the railing.

The pull of gravity feels kind of like an orgasm. Unfortunately, it also makes him wake up to--

“How do I look?”

“Ugh!”

“Have you ever thought about killing yourself?” Kihyun asks around a chip. Crunch.

Changkyun looks over with a blink. “Uhm,” he uhms, shifting on the couch. There’s a movie Changkyun wanted to show him playing on the TV. Kihyun has seen it twenty times. “I think about death, sometimes, sure, but not… not killing myself, no. Do you..?” 

“Every day,” Kihyun admits with a sigh. To Changkyun’s credit, he pauses the movie and looks at Kihyun with those puppy eyes of his. It makes Kihyun want to kiss him. Obsessed? Much. Changkyun is pretty much Kihyun’s only source of serotonin nowadays.

“Don’t,” Changkyun says, and then frowns as if in thought. “I mean… If you killed yourself, you would, er, leave your hamster to fend for itself which hamsters are awful at and, er, I’d be the one to find you all dead and stinky and it wouldn’t do anything for my psyche so, no. Don’t do that,” Changkyun says, even smacks at Kihyun’s arm. “No.”

Kihyun blinks at him. “So… I shouldn’t kill myself… For you.” I can do that...

“Well. You’d be dead, so. Can’t take that side of the argument with regards to the consequences of your actions, now can I?”

Kihyun blindly lifts one hand and points to the door. “You realize you should’ve run away the moment I told you I constantly think about dying, right?”

“And give you the opportunity to pursue that thought?” Changkyun scoffs, shifting on the couch again to kick at Kihyun’s leg. “Nope. Besides, I hate watching movies alone.”

Kihyun looks down when his eyes burn. He drops his hand and shifts on the couch to face Changkyun, head plopping to the side against the back cushion. “Is it selfish that I want to use you as an emotional clutch?”

Changkyun frowns at him a little amused, but turns on the couch to mirror the way Kihyun is sitting. “Won’t it be a shitty clutch? Considering I’m just your bored, easily persuaded neighbour?”

Kihyun smiles and glances up. “Oh, fancy that…” he whispers. “I’m your bored, easily persuaded neighbour, too… With suicidal tendencies but there’s always one of those, isn’t there…?”

Changkyun giggles and smacks at Kihyun’s leg instead of kicking it this time. “Stop that!” Changkyun screeches, hitting him again. “No dying!”

Kihyun’s eyes water but he keeps smiling. “I’m… going to say something, but before that you’ll promise you won’t think about it or say anything about it.”

Changkyun squints. “Can’t promise I won’t think about it, but… Sure, I’ll try...”

Kihyun’s bottom lip trembles and he knows he’s crying when he says, “I love you…”

Changkyun blinks but doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t look at Kihyun funny, or run in the opposite direction, he just looks like he’s trying to… figure out why Kihyun would say that, of all things, so openly it could never be a lie. And after a while of looking at Kihyun like he’s a tricky puzzle piece to place, he just nods, and smiles, like he acknowledges it. Like he believes it.

And again, three, two, one…

Three, two, one… Kihyun opens the window and steps outside, kind of at the same time as his neighbor does. Nice bed hair. It’s always a nice bed hair. Maybe the only good thing about summer is that white tank top Changkyun wears to sleep and doesn’t bother changing out of to water his plants.

“Good morning, ” Kihyun greets, smiling small.

“Morning,” Changkyun greets back, with the watering can wave, the groggy voice and the smile that always dimples his cheeks. It hurts just a little, Kihyun thinks, that he will forever see unfamiliarity in Changkyun’s eyes.

It’s a little odd, then, when Kihyun spots Changkyun’s cat sitting on the wooden chair outside, staring directly at him. Does it always do that? No... No, it doesn’t. Irrelevant.  

“Are you free today?” Kihyun asks.

“Uhm…” Cute . “Yep. And you..?”

“Very free,” Kihyun scoffs, looking away and then shrugging before looking back to Changkyun. “Also very bored…” And still not tired of coming here every morning to see you. “I was wondering if…” Kihyun sighs and looks down. Nah… not today again. “I’ve been thinking about keeping some plants of my own. But I know nothing about plants. I’m quite terrible with them, actually. So… I was wondering if… you could give me some pointers. Yours always look so nice.”

“Oh,” Changkyun perks up, smiling brightly. “Thank you! Uhm, well--” Changkyun puts his watering can down and dusts off his hands. “There’s this common misconception that succulents are the easiest plants to take care of? But actually they need a lot of sun and it’s quite easy to overwater them. I’d say the prettiest, and easiest plant would be Devil’s Ivy? You can leave it alone for weeks and it’ll be fine, and they do that--” Changkyun laughs softly, like he’s embarrassed about his plant rambles. “Climbing over the walls thing? But they’re easy to manipulate. I have a branch draped over my headboard, even.”

“That sounds oddly fairy-like,” Kihyun says with a smile.

“Well, that’s what they call me in England!” Changkyun jokes, and then blushes. “Oh, god,” he laughs and looks away. Stop making me want to kiss you...

“I might go to the greenhouses this afternoon… Would…” Kihyun swallows. “Would you like to come with me?” Please give me a different today.

Changkyun blinks a few times. “Oh,” he says, and smiles with a nod. “Sure! Wouldn’t want you to buy the wrong plant, after all.”

“Great!” Kihyun chirps. “Then… I’ll see you after lunch?”

“Uhm,” Changkyun hesitates, and Kihyun isn’t sure what he said wrong, but Changkyun continues, “The greenhouses close a bit early so we could just have lunch afterwards..? If you want.”

“Sounds good!” Kihyun nods. I love you. “Okay.”

“I’ll be fast!” Changkyun says, practically running into his house.

“Grea--” Kihyun gives the empty balcony a thumbs up. “T.” Yeah, great.

Wait. Shouldn’t I have gone to Hong Kong a couple of weeks ago? Oh, Changkyun...

There are more shades of green in the greenhouses than in any forest Kihyun has visited. And the smell of all the different blooming flowers is quite welcoming, given that this is probably the first time he’s come here. The place is big, and it’s quite the maze. Thankfully, Changkyun knows his way around. 

He points out a few indoor plants that are easy to take care of, by name, even, and coos over a tiny cactus that has bloomed a small red flower. He picks it up and holds it with both hands by the pot like it’s an egg that’s going to crack and break. All the while Kihyun watches him with a smile on his face, and hopes that his silence indicates fondness more than awkwardness.

“I’m adopting a baby today,” Changkyun says as he keeps the cactus and walks on.

“Why is that so fucking endearing,” Kihyun says. Doesn’t ask. Says.

Changkyun glances over, ears pink, and holds his potted cactus a little closer. “Because it’s tiny but spiky?”

Kihyun rolls his eyes fondly and huffs a laugh. “I meant you...”

Changkyun blushes some more. “I’m not that spiky,” Changkyun jokes, looking away with a smile. “But thank you…” 

Kihyun opens his mouth to say something a little too flirty, but opts not to. After all, not that long ago, he and Changkyun had sex. Last night, Kihyun told Changkyun he loves him. But… it wasn’t this Changkyun, specifically. This one doesn’t know a single thing about Kihyun. And yet Kihyun knows so much about him.

“Oh, are those the ivys?” Kihyun asks, pointing ahead. Changkyun looks up and nods brightly.

“Let’s get it!” he smiles, like he just announced their entrance onto a stage instead of Kihyun buying a plant he won’t be able to keep. And that’s the saddest part, isn’t it? Nothing matters. Kihyun could spend all his money today and it wouldn’t matter. But somehow, he’s still managed to fall in love with someone, even when that, too, doesn’t matter.

“You’re totally gonna help me find the perfect spot for it back at home, you hear me?” Kihyun says, sort of laughing. At himself? At the situation? Who knows...

Changkyun sticks his tongue out at Kihyun, but then just nods. “What kind of adoption agency would I be if I just threw a baby at you, huh? Exactly. ”

“Right… Should I tell you that I once smoked a bunch of crystal and made it all the way to Mumbai?” Kihyun muses. “Do you think that plant will be okay in my hands? Knowing such facts?” 

Changkyun is gaping at him. “ Seriously?! ” he laughs.

Kihyun huffs. “I wanted to see for how long I’d manage to stay awake and how far could I go.”

“Oh my god,” Changkyun laughs. “I… as long as you’re not planning on smoking that particular plant, I don’t think it minds, no.”

“Oof,” Kihyun sighs in relief. You’re still not running away? Huh. But you do run away at petty arguments. “Thank the heavens.”

“Crystal? Really?”

“What?” Kihyun glances over with a frown. “You only live once.”

“Uh huh,” Changkyun laughs, looking around before leaning in to talk under his breath. “Try weed next time, idiot.”

Kihyun raises an eyebrow, glances at the plants they’re heading towards and then looks back to Changkyun. “Riiiiiiiight…”

“Ask nicely and I might give you some,” Changkyun chirps, and practically skips over to a plant that he points out. “This one.”

“Only if you join me,” Kihyun kind of blurts out.

Changkyun glances over with narrowed eyes, before turning to Kihyun and holding out the cactus, tone a little cheeky. “Buy it for me, then.”

Kihyun looks between the plant and Changkyun’s eyes and then confidently nods. “Alright.”

Changkyun beams and turns away to get on his tippy toes and pick up the potted Devil’s Ivy. And they keep the plants with them all throughout their following lunch at the bistro next door.

“Am I paying for our food, too?” Kihyun sort of jokes, already pulling out his wallet to pay anyway.

Changkyun scrapes the last bits of meringue off his plate to lick at the spoon. He glances over, then, tilting his head and glancing down at Kihyun’s wallet with a small laugh. “Looks like you’ve already decided to. Are you rich or something?”

“Not really, but I guess I could at least get a date out of this. No strings attached, by the way, if you don’t want to.”

Changkyun hums, cheeks pink, and puts the spoon down. “Here I was just thinking that I’m glad I wasn’t wrong and that this is a date,” he hums.

Kihyun looks over, ignores how tight his chest is, and nods. “Hopefully not the last one…? I had fun.”

Changkyun giggles small. “Is it bad that I really like your optimism?”

“Thank you, it’s literally all I have,” Kihyun laughs. No lies there. Optimism is what gets Kihyun out of bed every morning. And when there’s no optimism, he just stays in bed all day until he falls asleep again. Sometimes, he stays in bed for weeks. But, eventually, he gets back on his feet. Changkyun helps, in a way. Changkyun is optimism. But even that can get a bit overwhelming, sometimes.

“It’s not all you have,” Changkyun teases. 

“Well,” Kihyun frowns in thought. “I’ve been told I’m a great kisser but I don’t know if you wanna go there yet… If ever. But I’ve been told. ” I really am bad at this… And yet you tend to come around almost always.

“I really hope you’re not aiming for a career in marketing,” Changkyun laughs. Kihyun likes that Changkyun always flirts, even though he’s blushing throughout. “You’re doing a terrible job of selling yourself.”

“I’m just doing my mother’s job, at this point,” Kihyun laughs, glancing up. “So… Do you wanna come over and help me find a place for my plant?”

“I already said yes,” Changkyun mumbles, glancing over shyly.

“Doesn’t hurt to make sure.”

“And a ‘yes’ always makes everything better,” Changkyun says, lowering his head as he giggles to himself. “Aish, we gotta go right now before I say anymore stupid shit--” Changkyun says as he stands up.

“Ah, it’s fine,” Kihyun waves dismissively as he stands up as well. “Believe me, you can’t beat me at that.”

Changkyun hasn’t left yet. He’s sitting on the couch right next to Kihyun. And for a moment Kihyun does consider letting today end like this. It’s been nice. And even though it stings that it will mean nothing to the entire world tomorrow, it still means something to him. It was their first date. A nice date. And, for once, it’s nice to think that such could work out, too. That Kihyun doesn’t need to go out of his way every day to spend some time with Changkyun, even if he does want to kiss him all the time.

“Do you believe that everything happens for a reason…?” Kihyun asks, eyes out of focus on the TV.

“I think that…” Changkyun says, stretching out a little on the couch. “When things work out, then you could say that, sure. And, hey, people always do. But when bad things happen and there’s no bright side to any of it, then… Nah. If everything happened for a reason then people die of cancer for a reason and hurricanes ruin lives for a reason. I can’t find it in myself to believe that.”

Kihyun glances over. “What if even good things have no meaning?”

“Meaning and reason are two very different things,” Changkyun chirps.

“True enough…” Kihyun sighs, looking away. I wonder if there’s a reason why I’m stuck in this endless loop. But then again, thinking about it never brings about good thoughts. So, Kihyun just sighs again. “Today was nice.” And different.

Changkyun moves his head to look over with a soft smile, before blushing and looking back to the TV. “Yeah, it was. Think we can do today again?” he chuckles.

“Yeah,” Kihyun says, nodding and smiling to ignore the pang inside his chest. “Definitely. ”

Changkyun smiles and leans closer, resting his head on Kihyun’s shoulder. The day ends without a kiss, without Changkyun ending up in Kihyun’s bed, but it also manages to leave Kihyun feeling just a little more in love.

Changkyun’s alarm goes off and he almost throws it through his window. Why does this keep happening! He has to get up for a ten o’clock test one Saturday, and two weeks later, it still goes off. Will he admit that it’s because he’s simply forgotten to turn it off? Maybe one day. Then again, why the hell is it happening on a Sunday now? Changkyun groans and reaches for his phone, dismissing the alarm and squinting at the device. He honestly just wants to put it down and keep sleeping, but… Why does his phone say it’s Saturday? Saturday was yesterday. Saturday was his completely out of the blue date with Kihyun.

Which, what?! Where did that even come from? Sure, Changkyun has harboured a small crush on the guy for as long as they’ve shared a view of the city, but it went from zero to at least seventy percent real fast. Then again, that was Saturday. Right? Is Changkyun losing grips with reality again? Ever since college break started, night and day have had this tendency to switch around, and weekdays feel like weekends and Changkyun often forgets which day it is. But he even remembers telling Kihyun that they needed to go to the greenhouses early, because they close early on Saturdays.

Weird …

Changkyun huffs and puts his phone down, feeling himself drift off again. Once he stirs awake again, he carefully checks his phone and yep, still Saturday. It only starts getting really unsettling once Changkyun scrolls through his social media and could swear he’s seen all this before. Is this just what Deja Vu is? Is this a glitch in the Matrix or something?

He chews softly at the inside of his cheek in thought. He does remember going to sleep in this shirt. What else..? Changkyun sits up and blinks at his cat on the end of the bed, asleep in a little ball. The same as usual .

The plants! Changkyun thinks, annoying his cat when he practically throws his duvet off the bed as he rushes to get up. Yesterday, he watered the plants. They should still be watered. If they’re not , then Changkyun really is losing his mind.

He steps into a pair of shorts so he doesn’t walk out in his underwear, and immediately finds himself looking over to the balcony next to his, seeing that Kihyun has just stepped out onto his balcony, too. He looks the same, too. Exactly the same. What the fuck?

“Good morning,” Kihyun greets with a soft smile.

Changkyun lifts a hand despite his confusion to wave. “Morning…”

Kihyun frowns for a moment, eyes moving all over Changkyun and the balcony. But then, with a confused tilt of his head, he asks, “Are you free today?” Which… Is the same, but Changkyun doesn’t remember the confusion on Kihyun’s face. He definitely remembers that tone and that question.

This is so weird!

“I--” Changkyun glances to his plants. They’re not watered. Haven’t been for at least two days by the looks of it. What the fuck! “Yeah--I mean, no, I--” Am freaking out? Maybe? “Sorry, I have to go do something,” Changkyun says, sort of mumbles, swallowing small and glancing at Kihyun one more time before stepping back inside and closing the door. 

Changkyun’s brain is broken. It has to be. How is he remembering things that are currently happening? Is this just some elaborate prank..? Changkyun runs his hands over his face and into his hair as he takes a breath. He’s going to just… take a shower, and… go outside and get some fresh air… Ask a stranger what the date is and then just… figure it out. Right? Yeah. Everything is fine .

Everything is fine…

Kihyun stares at the black screen of his TV. He knows, for a fact, that everyone behaves the exact same way every day unless prompted by the only variable in the equation to give a different result. Kihyun is that variable. So, unless he changes his behavior, everyone should and will behave the way they always do. He knows this! It’s a fact! He’s pretty sure that three years of the same thing is enough to cement this theory as more than just a theory. And yet…

Something changed. Something is different. But what?! Sena was the exact same bitch this morning she is every single morning. Changkyun still came out onto the balcony, although a second a little later than usual… But he looked so… lost? He didn’t even water his plants like he always does. He…

Kihyun sits a little straighter and gapes at his hamster just as the thing whirls itself off the wheel at full speed. “He’s in it…” Kihyun whispers. He has to be… He has to… Which… is both great and fucking terrible. “Oh, no… Oh, no, he’s in it…” Kihyun’s shoulders slump and he lowers his head to hide his face between his hands. But why?! Did I drag him into it? How?!

With a groan, Kihyun pushes his hair back and then stands up. He stares at the black screen of his TV again and feels his Adam’s apple bob when he swallows. He licks his lips while he thinks about whether or not he should go check up on Changkyun. Because… if he’s in the loop then he’s probably freaking out. And if he’s not, if this is just a glitch within the glitch, then… Everything will be fine tomorrow.

“Watch the house,” Kihyun tells his hamster.

Changkyun leaves his phone alone. Everytime he looks through the damn thing, opens Twitter or Instagram, he sees memes he’s seen before, news articles he’s read before. He sees Jooheon make the same jokes and recommend the same songs, and it freaks him out , so he just leaves his phone alone. He is too scared to even resume any of his video games, doesn’t want to check Netflix, just in case he’s lost progress there, too. But how? How is this possible? How is he living the same day again…?

He sits on his couch after his shower, dressed in something he hadn’t planned to wear today, and tries to get his cat to come over so he can pet him. “Pspspsps,” Changkyun goes, and pouts when the cat just stares at him with his big blue eyes. “Do you hate me?” The cat just keeps staring, and Changkyun sighs, staring at the floor and scratching at his scalp. 

Did I even go on that date yesterday…? 

As if the universe heard him, there’s a knock at his door the moment he finishes his thought. He startles slightly, chest already tight with anxiety. And when he fails to react beyond that, there’s another knock.

“Who is it?” Changkyun calls out, feeling oddly stuck to the couch. If it really is Kihyun, then the universe is mocking Changkyun, somehow.

“Kihyun,” the somehow now familiar (muffled) voice comes. “I just… Just wondering if you’re doing okay…? You seemed a bit off earlier…”

Changkyun swallows and stands up, reaching the door before he even realises he’s moving his legs. He opens the door and stares at Kihyun, unsure of what expression he’s wearing. “How would you know if I seemed off? We barely know each other...”

Kihyun blinks, eyes a little wide. He seems surprised. “R--Right. Uhm… I’ll--” Kihyun points in the direction of his apartment, now looking confused in his surprise. “Go… then. Sorry for bothering you…”

“No, it’s…” Changkyun frowns, knows he’s a little scared. “We went on a date yesterday, right? That happened. I’m not losing my mind right now, right?”

Kihyun pauses. And despite looking really scared for a split second, he quickly regains composure. “Oh… fuck,” he sighs, looking down. “You’re in it…”

“In it?” Changkyun asks, knows he’s staring. “In what..? I--” Changkyun swallows, eyes burning a little with sudden, irrational fear and anxiety. “I woke up and it was Saturday, but yesterday was Saturday…”

“And tomorrow it will be Saturday, too,” Kihyun mumbles, glancing over. “I am… so sorry…”

“Why?” Changkyun asks. His voice sounds small. “I don’t understand what’s going on… Why do you look so calm, like you know exactly what’s going on? Do you? Do you know?”

Kihyun takes a deep breath and frowns in confusion. “Y--Yeah, I know what’s going on… to an extent. Can--” Kihyun shifts as he looks around. “Can we talk? Preferably with one of us not standing in the hall…?”

Changkyun only then realises they are just standing in his own doorway--nothing seems real right now--and nods, hand up to his chest as he steps out of the way for Kihyun to walk in. “You’re not…” Changkyun closes the door and leans against it. He suddenly just feels dizzy. “You’re not really going to tell me we’re stuck in some time loop, are you..?”

“You’re smarter than I am,” Kihyun chuckles, walking ahead and stopping before moving any further. “Took me two Saturdays to come to that conclusion.”

“I like sci-fi movies,” Changkyun mumbles, eyes now definitely spilling a little. He just keeps them down as he tries to process this, but... “It’s… it’s impossible, it has to be…”

Kihyun sighs and turns around to look at Changkyun. “Do you have questions?”

“Stop talking like it’s real,” Changkyun sort of laughs, sniffing as he lets himself slide down the door to sit down.

Kihyun rolls his eyes. “Well, you see, I can’t do that. Because this is as real as it gets.”

Changkyun looks up, wiping at an eye. “How long have you been in it..? You sound bitter as hell...”

Kihyun raises an eyebrow. “Three years… maybe four… But I’m betting on three. Stopped keeping count a couple of months ago, it was getting complicated.”

Changkyun swallows and wrings at his hands. “It’s… it’s only been a day for me, maybe I’m not really stuck..? This is so weird ,” Changkyun groans into his hands.

The corner of Kihyun’s lips curves up into a smile when he breathes out a scoff. “I suppose we’ll see… But for your sake, I hope you’re right.”

Changkyun takes a few steadying breaths and then frowns. Questions… “Do you know why..? Or what started it?”

“Nope,” Kihyun says, crossing his arms. “One day it just happened. And then that day kept happening, too.” He shrugs one shoulder and looks down, his brown hair falling forward to cover his forehead. “I don’t know… At first I thought it was a time loop the way they describe it in sci-fi movies. Then, I thought this was Purgatory… That I died in my sleep and somehow deserve to be stripped of sin before I can move on. Which… let me tell you, I’m not doing very well on the stripping off my sins bit, but well…” Kihyun lifts his head. “The time loop makes more sense. Although I could be imagining all this. Who knows… Maybe I’m in a coma. Maybe you’re in a coma. Maybe we’re a computer simulation. I really can’t tell you.”

Changkyun looks at Kihyun’s face, eyes going between Kihyun’s. “You know, I… Yesterday. The today that came before this one, I guess, I… I thought you seemed different. I guess now I know why… And no, I don’t know you either, but--” Changkyun sighs and looks down. “You used to smile more…”

Kihyun licks his lips. He takes a deep breath and then looks away. “Right… Any other questions?”

Changkyun pouts. He remembers their date yesterday and it was… Nice. Really nice. Even if Kihyun seemed both weirdly confident and randomly melancholic, it was fun. But--- “Do we always go on a date..?”

Kihyun huffs a laugh. “No. Actually, at first we never did. But as an unknown variable, you can make today whatever you want it to be, to an extent. You just can’t change the fact that it’s still the same day every time you wake up.”

Changkyun nibbles at his bottom lip. This is so fucking weird. “Did we go on a lot of dates? I mean, this morning you asked me if I was free again, and I assume I always just say yes…”

“Yes, you do,” Kihyun says, smiling small. “And… well, we’ve been… I think yesterday was our first proper date. Every other time we’ve been together it’s…” He shifts, frowning and then clearing his throat. “We don’t meet every day, though. There’s only so much I can take. And it kind of hurts my feelings that you never remember me the next morning, although I try not to take it personally when I’m doing okay.”

“Why go through all that effort..?” Changkyun asks, watery eyes on Kihyun. “Is it because--” Changkyun’s heart goes a little tight. “Did one of the other days’ mes tell you I have a crush on you, is that why? Because I’m closeby and I always say yes?”

Kihyun looks at Changkyun and then looks down. “You have told me many times that you have a crush on me. But that’s not why… Don’t project your fears onto me, please.”

“I’m not trying to, but I’m just… I’m scared,” Changkyun admits, sniffing again.

“I know…”

Changkyun’s bottom lip wobbles. “Have we kissed?”

Kihyun nods.

“And slept together?”

Kihyun nods again.

Changkyun sucks in a little breath as he cries. That’s not fair. It’s not fair at all. 

“Although in a way…” Kihyun mumbles, “You and I haven’t done anything at all. The yous I’ve been with are all gone.”

“Yeah, but you remember it,” Changkyun sniffs, tears running down his face as he gets up. “You get that that doesn’t help, right? What you just said, it doesn’t help at all . It actually just makes me feel a lot worse.”

Kihyun takes a deep, obviously frustrated breath and lets it go as he uncrosses his arms. “Look. I get it. I understand. And I can’t expect you to understand me so I’m not even going to bother trying to explain myself. The rules to this thing are: you wake up today, everyday; you fall asleep, you wake up this morning; you die, you wake up this morning--And be careful with that one because dying slowly in a hospital bed isn’t worth anything. Yes, I’m speaking from experience. So…” Kihyun gestures vaguely. “Do whatever you want. Hopefully tomorrow you won’t be stuck in this shit with me. But I would quite like to start today all over again so can you please move so I can leave?”

Changkyun stares in disbelief. He’s angry . He feels wronged and he feels used and he’s genuinely upset that Kihyun apparently had the patience to go on a date with him every day, but can’t be bothered to be patient with him now . Then again, why is Changkyun expecting anything from a near stranger?

But whatever. Changkyun is too upset and teary to properly explain himself, so he takes the step away from the door. Kihyun walks closer and pauses only for a moment, glancing at Changkyun and then looking away.

“For whatever it’s worth, I am sorry,” Kihyun mumbles, and then opens the door and leaves.

But for what, Changkyun isn’t entirely sure.

Kihyun falls asleep on the couch after taking two sleeping pills. He wakes up where he always wakes up; in bed, in his bedroom, eyes lazy on the beams of light that pass through the blinds.

“How do I look?” Sena asks, chirpy as usual and halfway through putting her big hoop earrings as she walks out of the en suite bathroom.

“Like a cheater,” Kihyun mumbles.

Sena pauses, staring at Kihyun as if he’s wrong. “Ex cuse me?”

“You’re excused…” he mumbles, frowning when an unforeseen yawn claws all the way up and out. Refreshing, he thinks. He knows he’s no longer under the effect of sleeping pills, but damn the placebo effect.

“If you have something to say, Kihyun, then say it,” Sena snaps, hands on her hips.

Kihyun lifts his head and frowns at her in confusion. “Huh? You’re the one who’s been cheating on me this entire time and the one who’s gonna do it today , too, and I’m the one who needs to have something to say?” Kihyun rolls his eyes and his head and plops back down. “Make it make sense.”

Sena flushes, with guilt and surprise in having been caught out. “Ho--How did you even--”

Kihyun pokes one finger up. “I’m God. I know everything. I’m just tired of pretending I don’t. Close the door when you leave, babe, I wanna keep sleeping today.”

Sena suddenly looks furious. She picks up her shoes and glares at him. “ This is why, you asshole. Because at least he made me feel loved.”

“Mhm,” Kihyun agrees to disagree as he shifts to make himself comfortable. Sweaty but whatever. There are worse things.

“Oh my god, you really don’t give a fuck, do you?” Sena grumbles as she walks over to her purse and then stalks out of the bedroom.

“Close the door!” Kihyun yells. He’s glad when she slams it, after a rather loud ‘Fuck you!’.

“How do I look?” Sena asks, and Kihyun groans out loud and turns back around. Will I ever be rid of you? Apparently, not. “Wow, okay, thanks, I guess,” Sena scoffs with a tone of annoyance.

Kihyun puffs a breath and keeps his eyes closed when he asks, “Can you kill me?”

“What kind of silly question is that?” Sena grumbles. “Anyway, I have to go meet my mother, so let’s hope I don’t look too awful...”

“Why? Are you fucking your mom, too?”

“ What?! ” Sena screeches. Loud. “Why would you even say something like that?!”

“No idea…” Kihyun mumbles. “I suppose I just want to make you hate me even more. So your morals don’t entangle around your throat when you’re sucking on that dude’s dick later on.”

And of course, Sena wastes no time to blame it on Kihyun, to tell him he’s an asshole and never gave her enough attention and affection, and squeezes in a loud ‘Fuck you!’ before slamming the door once more. If only she wouldn’t be back tomorrow...

Instead of going back to sleep, though, Kihyun gets up and moves to the living room. Sleeping is great and all, but having to deal with his forever girlfriend that isn’t quite his girlfriend anymore every single morning is fucking horrible. Especially because every single morning since Kihyun can remember, she asks him if she looks great to go meet the guy she’s cheating on Kihyun with. And the worst part is that for a while there, while Saturdays repeated one after the other, Kihyun had no idea. The worst part is that if today wasn’t repeating itself everyday then Kihyun would have never known. And he would still be in love with a girl who was never in love with him.

Kihyun falls asleep through the last Lord of the Rings and wakes up feeling more tired than ever before. He considers getting up, cracking open a window and diving onto the pavement a couple of storeys down. That would certainly traumatize Sena, but then he wouldn’t be around to see it so it’s not really worth it. Especially because he would wake up to her unawareness not even a second later.

“How do I look?”

Kihyun takes a deep breath and sits up. “Beautiful,” he says. He means it.

“Aw,” Sena coos, walking closer to the bed to sit down as she pulls on her shoes. “Thank you. I’m having dinner with my mother tonight,” she says, “So you’ll have to keep yourself entertained.”

Kihyun nods. “Do you have to leave so early?” he asks.

Sena gives him a playful look, leaning closer. “I suppose I could be persuaded to leave a little later…”

“Hm…” Kihyun narrows his eyes. He hates all of this. But what is the point? There’s no point. There’s plenty of guilt, plenty of confusion, and plenty of being stuck in the same life forever. “Will you stay a little longer if I describe to you how beautiful you are?” Kihyun asks, reaching up to trace the strap of Sena’s dress. It’s a pretty dress.

Sena smiles, in that way Kihyun believed was genuine for way too long. She reaches up and pushes back some of Kihyun’s bedhead. “Wanna show me instead?”

It hurts how much he hates all of this, but he still looks at her for a moment and then leans in to kiss her before pulling her back into bed.

“How do I look?”

“I am so fucking done.”

Kihyun forgets how many days pass. But he’s on his couch with his hamster, enjoying a sweaty summer afternoon, when someone rings the doorbell. Kihyun immediately sits up, his hamster standing to attention on his shoulder. Today has been like every other day. Which means there’s only two possibilities; either that’s Changkyun or someone else who is now a new unknown variable. Oh, I hope that’s not Sena...

There’s a soft knock on the door, then, too. And Kihyun slowly sits up, hesitating only while he puts his hamster back in its cage. He then goes up to the door. When he opens it, he’s both surprised, glad, reassured, and filled with more guilt. Because it’s not Sena, it’s Changkyun, standing there with a tiny, potted cactus, looking unsure.

“Hey,” Changkyun says, and his voice sounds like it used to when they met on the balcony every day, and Kihyun’s chest tightens so fucking much.

“Hey…” he says, swallowing dry.

Changkyun nibbles at his lip and glances up. “Can I come in..?”

“Sure,” Kihyun nods, stepping aside to let him in. When he closes the door, he asks, “Can I get you something to drink? It’s unbearably hot.”

Changkyun smiles small and nods, looking around the flat. He is probably thinking about how it looks like his own flat, but not. Copy and pasted, he said. Still, he looks… small, and shy. “Anything with alcohol in it..?”

Kihyun pauses for a moment and then nods. “Sure. That can be arranged.”

Changkyun puts the little cactus down on the counter. “Have you ever been, like… really drunk? Like, black out drunk, wake up the next morning and you can’t remember anything you did the night before?”

“Once or twice,” Kihyun says as he walks into the kitchen and opens his fridge to bring out the martini. “Tequila. What a bitch.”

“It’s always tequila,” Changkyun smiles, fidgeting with his hand. “My point is that… it feels a lot like that..? Whatever might have happened with us, it feels like that and it’s not a… comfortable feeling...”

Kihyun stares at the martini and then closes the fridge and turns around to place the bottle on top of the counter. “I get it… I just didn’t think lying was a good idea…”

“No, lying would have been a terrible idea,” Changkyun huffs. “So… Thanks.”

“I… I’ve never done anything you didn’t consent to, by the way,” Kihyun says as he opens the bottle. He blindly reaches for the sink to pick up two glasses that had been left to dry the night before and fills them up. Does he like olives? Now, there’s something I don’t know.

“Thanks,” Changkyun mumbles. He’s a little pink around the edges, and looks shyer than Kihyun has ever seen him, standing by the entrance to the kitchen like he doesn’t belong there at all. “And you know, I get it, too,” Changkyun adds in a soft voice. “I was alone for just a few days and it… really sucked. If it was the other way around, I don’t think I would have been able to keep away either, so… It’s okay, it’s just weird...”

“I know,” Kihyun mumbles. “Do you like olives?”

Changkyun shakes his head, eyes still down.

“No olives for you, then. Can I throw in a slice of lemon?”

Changkyun smiles down as he nods. “I guess we never did this before, huh..?”

“No…” Kihyun says, watching him for a moment and then turning around to get a lemon from the fridge. “We really haven’t… Usually, it’s just me trying to come up with weird and eccentric ways to seem interesting so you’ll consider hanging out with a complete stranger.”

“ Near complete stranger,” Changkyun smiles and then sighs, tilting his head up to groan. “So weird,” he groans in a slight whine.

“You know, I…” Kihyun turns back to the counter with a lemon and picks up a knife to peel off two long stripes that he washes, dries and then puts in Changkyun’s glass. “It’s lonely. It’s really lonely. Insanely lonely. It strips meaning off of things that should have meaning… And after a while you just want it to end. But you can’t do that either, because you always come back. You have no choice but to live.” Kihyun swallows and tries not to let himself get too emotional when he puts the lemon down and sighs. “Getting to know you was… nice. You were the only person I talked to that didn’t mind how weird I sounded or how crazy I looked sometimes. Sure, we… had a few misunderstandings. Either because I forgot and said something about you I shouldn’t have known or…” Kihyun shrugs. “But you never really cared. And yes, you looked at me like… something, I don’t know. But it was because of you that I started getting up again every morning. Even if it meant that I had to do it all again. It was almost always different. And it was great.”

“It was…?” Changkyun asks, and when Kihyun glances up, he sees Changkyun’s open expression, his soft pout.

“Definitely,” Kihyun says, sliding Changkyun’s glass over the counter towards him.

“Do you think…” Changkyun starts, taking in a bit of a shaky breath and taking the glass. “That together we could make all this a little bit better..?”

Kihyun smiles small and looks down to pick up his glass. “I don’t know… But I suppose it’s worth trying, at least…?” he asks, lifting his glass up a little.

Changkyun huffs a small laugh. “I spent the last few days crying alone in my house. This--” Changkyun raises the drink. “Is already an improvement,” he says, and clinks his glass against Kihyun’s. 

When Kihyun lifts his drink to his lips, he can’t help the small laugh. Here’s to something different, I guess.

It’s a difficult thing to process, but it takes a surprisingly short amount of time for it to start sinking in. Changkyun comes to a few realisations pretty quickly, and not all of them terrible; he will relive the same day every day for the foreseeable future, but at least it’s a Saturday. He will never age, and he will never die; he will never be able to get a tattoo or see his mother again, who lives in Boston. He has some money saved to pay for the rest of his studies, from a generous scholarship he got, but now it’s just money he can spend on whatever he wants, that will only last for a maximum of twenty four hours. He has time , but he thinks he might have too much of it, and that scares him a little.

He is stuck in a loop, but he is not stuck alone. No, instead he is stuck with his neighbour, who knows him far too damn well, and who Changkyun quite likes looking at, but isn’t sure how to deal with. In theory, it’s the only thing he has that is of any lasting importance. He could jump from the top of this building and it wouldn’t make as much of an impression as pissing off Kihyun does. 

Changkyun isn’t unambitious. There are goals he would like to reach in life, things to do and places to see, and all of them incredibly unlikely considering the circumstances. But for now, Changkyun will, for the sake of his own sanity, treat it like a forced, time-less vacation from the real world, from responsibility and consequences. It’s a little optimistic, but he thinks that optimism might be exactly what they need.

“I got this bottle of champagne,” Changkyun says, putting said bottle down on Kihyun’s kitchen counter. “For an absolute shitton of money.”

Kihyun raises an eyebrow. “D’you think it’ll taste expensive? What did they put in it? Gold?”

Changkyun shakes the bottle a little and points at a few golden flakes that float around at the bottom. “Apparently, yes! I’m really glad this won’t be lingering in my digestive system for years to come.” Changkyun smiles over and hops further into the kitchen to look for something to drink it in. “Do you have any silly glasses or mugs? I like some spicy sacrilege when it comes to enjoying expensive bullshit.”

“There’s a very peculiar mug behind all the other mugs, a souvenir my brother got me when he visited Portugal. I’ve never met any Portuguese people but… that mug says enough.”

“Ooooh, he has a brother,” Changkyun muses as he searches for the mug. “Older or younger?”

“Older. Which means he got the brains and I got the good looks,” Kihyun scoffs.

Changkyun spots the mug and bursts out laughing as he tiptoes to take it out. It’s a dick! It’s a cup with a literal dick and balls coming out the side. And around the side of it, there are holes?! What? “What the fuck is this?” Changkyun laughs, turning around with the mug in hand. How does he even hold a dick cup?

“I have no idea,” Kihyun says, leaning against the counter as he squints at the mug. The words ‘Serra da Estrela’ stare at Changkyun, and he knows enough Spanish to be able to associate that with…

“Star Mountain?” Changkyun asks, eyebrow raised as he puts the mug down next to the bottle. The contrast of crass and expensive… It’s beautiful.

“Yeah, that,” Kihyun nods. “Apparently it has something to do with…” He squints and crosses his arms. “What’s the name… There’s this star that would show up every--Ah! Aldebaran!” Kihyun snaps his fingers and points at Changkyun. “The brightest star of the Taurus constellation!”

Changkyun smiles, opening a drawer to get the bottle opener. “Not all the brains, then. Are you a Taurus?”

“I’m not a Taurus…” Kihyun says. “And that’s what my brother told me, anyway. He likes to uncover the lore of the places he visits. I don’t blame him, though. Some stuff is quite interesting.”

“So… He’s not in the city?” Changkyun asks, pointing the bottle away when he opens it. No one will permanently lose an eye if he does this wrong, but it would still hurt.

Kihyun shakes his head. “Japan… Haven’t seen him in… ages.”

Changkyun pouts, startles a little when the bottle pops loudly, messing some champagne on the tiles. Whoops . “Jesus, uhm,” Changkyun huffs a small laugh and pours the champagne. “Do you miss him?”

“Sometimes,” Kihyun admits, shrugging one shoulder. “But it’s fine. If I don’t think about it then it can’t hurt me,” he scoffs. “I’ve perfected this particular skill, I’m afraid.”

“Yes, definitely a little too self-sabotaging to be a Taurus,” Changkyun huffs, bringing the mug up to sniff at the champagne and winking at Kihyun when he realises there’s a dick by his face. He takes a sip and knows his face goes through quite a few different expressions. “Damn,” Changkyun says. “Best dick juice I’ve ever had.”

Kihyun snorts a laugh and lowers his head. “Trying not to be offended right now…”

Changkyun lowers the mug to deadpan at Kihyun. “Seriously?”

“Sorry,” Kihyun says, taking the dick mug and giving it a look before taking a drink. He smacks his lips a bit, then, and frowns. “I thought it would taste like metal. Because of all that gold...”

“Gold doesn’t taste like anything,” Changkyun says, rolling his eyes as he picks up the bottle. Not at the gold thing, at the other thing. 

“Today I learn,” Kihyun nods, eyes lost somewhere on the whiteness of the kitchen counter. Changkyun watches him as he takes a swig of champagne straight from the bottle. 

“Was I good?” Changkyun asks, trying to keep his expression neutral.

“Seriously?” Kihyun deadpans in the same tone Changkyun used before.

Changkyun shrugs. “Maybe?” Changkyun raises the champagne to his mouth and grins small. “Were you good?”

Kihyun glances over to give Changkyun a look. 

“What? You can sleep with me but I can’t mess with you?” Changkyun laughs.

“I slept with you but you didn’t sleep with me so I suppose that no, you can’t mess with me,” Kihyun mumbles. He takes another sip from the mug and walks closer. “Alright, I’ll say… It does taste quite expensive…”

“In a pretentious way or in a ‘worth it’ way?” Changkyun asks. Kihyun is being so difficult to read .

“Both,” Kihyun nods. He puts the mug down and pushes away from the counter, giving a little stretch, and then asks, “So, you like zodiacs?”

“Dated a girl who did,” Changkyun says, keeping his eyes on Kihyun. Let me see into your souuuuuul . “Do you know mine?”

“Nope,” Kihyun says, glancing back over his shoulder. “All I know about zodiacs is that Aldebaran is the brightest star in the Taurus constellation and that I’m a Scorpio.”

“Scorpio, Scorpio, Scorpio,” Changkyun says, trying to remember if his ex said anything about Scorpios. “Passionate. Emotional…” he tilts his head. “Most serial killers are Scorpios or Pisces. Water signs are scary. You’re not going to kill me one day when you get bored, are you?”

“I could totally get away with it, though,” Kihyun says, grinning a little and wiggling his eyebrows. Changkyun can’t help but laugh.

“True!” Changkyun chirps, reaching over to steal the mug from the counter. “You know . Because I’m an Aquarius --” he takes a sip. “And don’t bother writing that down, it won’t last,” he laughs. “But because I’m an Aquarius, I’m supposed to be rather bad at vocalising my emotions.”

“Is that why you have so many exes?” Kihyun asks, crossing his arms and turning to look at Changkyun from the door. Kihyun’s tone doesn’t sound judgy, but… that question.

“I have two!” Changkyun defends despite, gaping. Changkyun blinks, then, before narrowing his eyes. “I told you about my fucking exes, didn’t I?”

Kihyun actually smiles and looks down. “You did do that, yes. You were trying to cheer me up. So you told me about this guy you dated who wouldn’t let you top and would get jealous of literally everything other than the things you wanted him to get jealous of.”

Changkyun chews at the inside of his cheek, that he can feel warming up. “Yeah, that’s still weird,” Changkyun laughs. “It’s fine, though. If I told you once, it meant I wanted you to know it. It’s still me afterall…”

Kihyun peeks up and then nods before tilting his head in the direction of the living room. “Like I said, you were trying to cheer me up… and you were quite eloquent while explaining your tragic backstory with that guy.”

“I’m at my most verbose and eloquent when tearing into a bitch,” Changkyun sighs, taking the mug and the bottle and moving closer so they can go to the living room.

Kihyun laughs softly. “Hm… I wonder…”

“Hm?” Changkyun asks as he plops down. This champagne is good , and Kihyun is smiling, which is better than the opposite, so… Oddly enough, Changkyun is in a great mood. “What do you ponder? Pray tell,” Changkyun says, patting at the couch.

“If I should introduce you to my girlfriend…” Kihyun says with a huff as he plops down.

“You… You have a girlfriend?!” Changkyun practically shrieks, lifting a foot to try and kick at him.

“Calm down,” Kihyun whines softly, so Changkyun lowers his foot. “It’s a little more complicated than that, alright?”

“Is she what I was cheering you up about?” Changkyun asks, still a little squinty as he looks at Kihyun. If he cheated on her with me, I’m going to lose my shit--

“Yeah,” Kihyun says, looking at his nails. “Let’s just say that today has been the worst day of my life every single day. I can… usually make it better. But the mornings are particularly difficult.” He puffs a breath, drops his hand and makes to look at Changkyun but doesn’t raise his gaze beyond the mug in Changkyun’s hand.

Immediately, Changkyun’s wall crumbles just a bit, and he pouts. Worst day of his life…? “What happens in the mornings..?”

Kihyun shrugs. “I… wake up and watch the girl I was supposed to propose to get all dolled up for the guy she’s been cheating on me with for months, years… I don’t know. I just know it was going on for a while and… the only reason why I found out was because I got stuck in this stupid loop. If not for that… I wouldn’t have ever known…” 

Changkyun watches Kihyun as he keeps pouting, chest aching. “That’s… awful, Kihyun, I’m so sorry… I mean no wonder I was trying to cheer you up,” Changkyun huffs.

“It’s fine…” Kihyun smiles small. “Sometimes I wake up and break up with her. Sometimes I ignore her. Sometimes I pretend like I’m still in love with her and then hate myself for it. I suppose none of that is exactly healthy but it’s not like I can avoid her… she’s always there and she always forgets while I have to go on with every word she’s said to me.”

Changkyun huffs and finishes the mug, putting it down. “Well… Fuck. God. And that’s every day? Jesus. Have you tried just throwing her off the balcony? Could be therapeutic, you know.”

Kihyun glances over with an amused look. “Damn, remind me never to get on your bad side.”

Changkyun cackles. “You’d just wake up the next morning and stab me to death, what would be the point in that?”

“Plotting each other’s deaths sounds like a good way to spend eternity,” Kihyun laughs softly, pulling his legs over the couch and crossing them.

“Could be a fun game,” Changkyun suggests jokingly. “See who kills who first. Three times out of five?” he laughs.

“Don’t tempt me,” Kihyun says with a little grin.

Changkyun smiles, pulling his legs up too and poking at Kihyun with his foot. “I like you better when you’re not trying to act careful around me.”

“Not my fault that now everything matters when it comes to you,” Kihyun says.

“Deep,” Changkyun nods.

“Believe me, it gets to you after a while… When everyone just keeps forgetting the bad things you tell them out of frustration or… Not even you remember. So that’s telling enough.”

“Not even me,” Changkyun chirps. “Don’t make me feel special. Esta vez te pondré difícil el echarme un polvo, capullo,” Changkyun winks.

Kihyun makes a face. “Huh?”

Changkyun shakes his head and laughs. “Nothing, nothing~” Changkyun says, rolling his shoulders. “Although, that would be something to do, wouldn’t it? As much time in the world to waste, might as well use it to… learn another language? Learn how to play the piano or cook great food, you know?”

“Wow, you really are new to this,” Kihyun says, seemingly surprised. “Believe me,” he scoffs, patting Changkyun’s knee. “That enthusiasm will disappear when you begin to realize nothing really matters.”

“Ah, yes, nihilism. I suppose I will get there at some point, but hey,” Changkyun smiles, lifting his leg so Kihyun’s hand falls off, to which he sticks out his tongue. “Now you’ve got company. Misery loves company.”

Kihyun blinks very slowly at Changkyun. “You were cuter when you were just a blushy mess.”

“I’m still a blushy mess,” Changkyun admits. And it’s true, if Kihyun were to lean forward right now, Changkyun would die quite a bit. “But I’m taking nihilism into a more optimistic territory. If nothing matters, then fuck it, I’ll say and do whatever the hell I want, which includes being myself in front of someone I barely know but who has seen me butt-ass naked.”

Kihyun sighs rather wistfully and looks away. “It was a nice ass…”

“ Is, ” Changkyun feels like reminding Kihyun with a laugh. “ Is a nice ass.”

“Can’t talk about yours, specifically.”

“It’s the same ass!” Changkyun laughs as he puts the champagne down.

“Who knows?” Kihyun shrugs playfully. “Maybe this one has a big, hairy wart on the side.”

Changkyun gapes, amused. “How dare you! As far as I know, you could have a hairy wart on your ass!” 

“Maybe I do have one. Fact remains, you fucked me knowing that.”

Changkyun gives Kihyun a look. Not a bad look. A playful look. A challenging one. And he gives it to Kihyun right before he attacks with a laugh, grabbing at Kihyun’s pant leg and yanking. “Show me your ass!”

“Wha--Hey!” Kihyun yelps, trying to keep Changkyun away. When it proves impossible to push him away, though, Kihyun just wraps his legs around Changkyun’s torso and locks him there. “Stop moving, you wiggly worm!”

Changkyun laughs and pokes at Kihyun’s sides. “Let go of me, you pervert!”

“Sa--” Kihyun wiggles himself to the opposite side of the couch, looking rather violated and pink in the face. He holds his hands to his chest like he’s just been caught tiddies out. “Says the one who yelled ‘show me your ass’!”

“Don’t look at me like that, now I feel bad,” Changkyun laughs, looking away with a smile and a shake of his head, “Aish...”

Kihyun makes himself small on the couch and stares at the black screen of his TV.

“I wasn’t really trying to look at your ass,” Changkyun feels the need to defend. 

“Why are you still on that?”

“It was literally a minute ago, Kihyun.”

“Right.”

Changkyun chews at his inner cheek again. “I joke about things when I don’t know how to deal with them… Sorry.”

Kihyun looks over and then rolls his eyes. “Move on, idiot. That’s the whole point. Anyway, what do you want to do with your newfound freedom?” Kihyun makes quotation marks at the word ‘freedom’.

Changkyun glances over. It’s obvious that this mentality that nothing really matters has rooted itself in Kihyun from years of being stuck, and it feels a lot like a warning. Maybe holding onto optimism and whatever little freedoms he can is more important than Kihyun might think.

“Well,” Changkyun says. “I am going to try and learn another language. I’m… going to take all the money out of my savings and go to the most expensive restaurant in the city. I’m going to Lotto World and I’m going to ride everything they’ve got. I’m going to go watch every movie showing at the moment,” he laughs small. “And… I’m going to read a book. Or two. Or three. I’m going to learn how to make food properly, and go buy a guitar every now and then and practise. I know you think nothing matters because of this, and maybe it doesn’t, but we keep our memories. We keep these things we do in these stupid loops and I would really like to not… let this change me. And I want to--” Changkyun pouts. “I want to get to know you. The real you, because it’s what you said, right? We’re stuck in this together. If you’re going to be the only person I’ll be able to really know, then I would like to know all of it.”

Kihyun has been watching Changkyun. He looks away, though, and shrugs when he says, “Well, you know where to find me. Unless I’ve left for Hong Kong, which was kind of what I was planning to do on whim before my brain got entangled with some fancy feelings.”

Changkyun looks over, sighing small as he stands up. “I know nothing matters to you right now, but I was hoping you would come with me when I go do all that meaningless shit. And…” Changkyun sighs and looks over. “That’s really not how I wanted to hear you say you have feelings for me.”

“Never said I had feelings for you, don’t get cocky just ‘cause you’re hot,” Kihyun says, glancing over. “D’you really want me to tag along?”

“Sure,” Changkyun chirps, ignoring the weird feeling in his chest. “Maybe it’ll wiggle that stick you’ve got up your ass.”

“Maybe,” Kihyun says, eyes still on Changkyun.

“Yeah, maybe,” Changkyun sighs, looking away. “I think I’m going to go… sleep.”

Kihyun looks down and nods. “See you tomorrow…?”

“Glad you’re still calling it tomorrow,” Changkyun smiles and nods, giving Kihyun a small wave before he turns around to leave. He opens the door and laughs when he sees his cat running in the hallway. How the hell did he get out?

Changkyun wakes up to the sound of plates smashing against a wall. But just as he tunes in his senses to try to listen better to what’s going on, there’s a loud slam followed by a yelled ‘fuck you’ that echoes.

Why is she the one yelling ‘fuck you’..? 

Changkyun groans and sits up, scratching at his head. Not a great way for Kihyun to start the day, but hopefully it doesn’t ruin the whole thing, or Changkyun really might try jumping out of a window. For now, though, he gets up, earlier than usual (thanks Sena), reaches for his sweatpants and a hoodie, and doesn’t even spare himself a look in the mirror before walking out of his flat and to Kihyun’s, opening the door Kihyun’s girlfriend obviously didn’t lock in her haste to ‘fuck off’.

He finds Kihyun standing by the door to the kitchen, arms crossed, hamster on his shoulder, eyes on something on the ceiling.

“Did you just have an argument with your girlfriend with a hamster on your shoulder?” Changkyun asks, morning voice: on.

“No, the hammy is my support group,” Kihyun mumbles. “Hey, d’you think I should leave that there or…?”

Changkyun frowns and walks closer. When he peeks into the kitchen, he sees a big plate shattered to pieces on the floor and a kitchen knife stuck to the ceiling. He points to the knife. “Her?”

“Her,” Kihyun nods.

“Cool,” Changkyun scoffs and steps away. “Come on, leave it, we’ll spend the day at my house.”

“You don’t wanna go out today?” Kihyun asks, finally glancing over.

“Not this today,” Changkyun says. “Tomorrow’s today.”

Kihyun gives the kitchen knife on the ceiling one last look before turning to follow after Changkyun. “Can I bring the hamster?”

“Of course.”

Changkyun asked Kihyun to tell him where he keeps his spare key ( just in case , he swears), and they spent the whole day eating junk food and watching Doctor Who, Changkyun with a cat on his lap, Kihyun with a tiny hamster between his hands. The next morning, however--

“Kihyun~” Changkyun coos as he opens the front door, heading straight to Kihyun’s bedroom. This should be fun . “Oh, lover, are you hooome~?”

A girl (quite the pretty girl, too) walks out of the bedroom with wide eyes a couple of seconds later. She stares Changkyun up and down and gives one fearful step back. “Who… Who are you?” she asks. Changkyun can spot Kihyun’s bed hair and squinty eyes behind her. He’s still in bed, looking like the blind version of a disheveled hamster, at the moment.

“Oh, you’re still here,” Changkyun chirps, leaning a little to the side to look at Kihyun. “Darling, I thought we already did that ritual to rid this house of demons?”

The girl opens her mouth and then closes it, frowning in confusion. She glares at Changkyun and then turns to glare at Kihyun, who squints at her and then shrugs. “You’re cheating on me?!” she yells.

“That’s all you got from that…?” Kihyun questions.

Changkyun walks past her to plop down on the bed. “Takes one to know one, Kihyun. She’s projecting .”

Kihyun looks at Changkyun in amusement. Which is why he fails in avoiding the slipper that hits the back of his head. “Ow! Hey!” Kihyun turns back to his girlfriend. “Stop throwing shit around!”

“I only threw the slipper, don’t be dramatic,” the girl says bitterly with a roll of her eyes before fuming again the moment Changkyun talks.

“Says the one throwing slippers,” he laughs.

“Oh, please, shut up you man-slut!”

Changkyun hits his chest with the flat side of his fist, falling down completely onto the bed. “I’m dead. She’s killed me with her words!”

“What is happening, Kihyun?!” the girl yells.

“Well,” Kihyun tries. “Obviously, I’m… cheating on you, I guess.”

“You guess?!”

“Whoo!” Changkyun goes, putting both fists in the air and sitting up. “Please leave, you damn hypocrite, we’re about to have sex.”

Kihyun raises both eyebrows and looks at Changkyun. “We are?” And Changkyun just loses it cackling and rolling on the bed.

“You what?!” the girl yells. She stomps to grab her things all the while glaring at the two of them. “Kihyun! You ruined my day!” she says, now sort of crying and ruining most of her makeup.

“Good luck cheating on Kihyun while looking like a racoon,” Changkyun hums and looks to Kihyun. “How long has she been fucking him again? Two years?”

Kihyun shakes his head with a small smile and then lets himself fall back onto the bed. There is a bunch of slurring and grumbling and then the very on point ‘fuck you’ that ends with a door slam. And, finally, they’re alone, and Changkyun is giggling like a naughty school kid.

“You’re so mean,” Kihyun scoffs, hitting Changkyun with a pillow.

“I’ll be meaner tomorrow,” Changkyun laughs, letting himself be hit. “That was a bit haphazard, but it was all improv, my bad.”

“For once you actually made me feel sorry for her,” Kihyun says with a sigh. 

“That wasn’t my intention at all ,” Changkyun says, sitting up and looking at Kihyun. “Just trying to figure out how to make your mornings a little better, is all.”

Kihyun looks at Changkyun for a moment, he then raises an eyebrow and pats on the empty spot right next to him. Changkyun narrows his eyes, amused, and Kihyun turns on his side as if ready to face him the moment he lies down.

 “You know I was joking about the sex thing, right..? I like being wooed ,” Changkyun says.

“That’s not what I’m suggesting, though, is it?” Kihyun says in a mumble.

“Alright,” Changkyun says, smiling small as he lies down on his side, ears going a bit pink once he does and Kihyun is lying right in front of him, hair a mess and face still a little puffy with sleep. 

“There,” Kihyun says, smiling small and wiggling as if to find comfort as he closes his eyes. “Morning’s already better.”

Changkyun pouts, chest going a little tight. Damn you … “Take a shower before you wake me up,” Changkyun mumbles, wiggling in as well to get comfortable, closing his eyes. “I wanna go out for lunch...”

“‘Kay…” Kihyun mumbles. And even though Changkyun doesn’t remember falling asleep, he wakes up with a startle in his own bed thanks to his alarm, Kihyun’s voice but an echo inside his head.

“Shit, did I miss it?” Changkyun mumbles, still half-asleep and eyes barely open. Changkyun groans small and melts down again. Shit. He forgot that falling asleep after waking up that first time resets everything, no matter what. Did it reset for Kihyun, too? Huh ...

Changkyun doesn’t know for how long he stays in bed. But by the time he’s beginning to stew in his own sweat, the sound of the doorbell echoes through the house. That has to be Kihyun. It quite literally has to be. So Changkyun drags himself out of bed and walks to his front door to open it and squint at Kihyun.

“My spare key is--” Changkyun yawns, scratching at his cheek. Kihyun is slowly coming into focus… I should put in my contacts… “In that pot over there. Hey.”

“Hey,” Kihyun greets, glancing at where Changkyun pointed towards. Kihyun is wearing all black, but his button up seems rather light and loose even though it’s tucked into his black pants.

“Aw,” Changkyun goes with a pout. “You dressed up.”

Kihyun rolls his eyes and shrugs. “Is that bad?”

“No, you look nice,” Changkyun says, yawning small and stepping back into his apartment.

“Really convincing,” Kihyun jokes, walking in and closing the door behind him.

Yay, he’s joking, he’s in a good mood! Not all hope is lost! 

“I didn’t hear any broken plates,” Changkyun says, scratching at the corner of his eye.

“I didn’t try to argue today,” Kihyun mumbles, looking around and smiling fondly when he passes the cat that’s sitting on top of a table. He lets the cat smell his hand and then scratches at its head. “Believe it or not, usually this is how it goes…”

“You just play along?” Changkyun asks, stepping into his bedroom. He needs to pick an outfit, considering Kihyun got all dolled up for this. And yeah, he does look pretty, which is annoying, for some reason.

“I don’t really like arguments… But I’m only human. Sometimes… I do take it out on her. Or on you. And that’s not really your fault or… Well, it kind of is hers but… I don’t know, at this point I’m just repeating myself, but being lonely and emotionally frustrated isn’t exactly something nice. Especially when only I can remember things. Or, well, could, until quite recently.”

“Does it bother you?” Changkyun asks, as he pulls out a white t-shirt and throws it onto his bed. “Considering you never had to be careful, and now suddenly you have to watch what you say?”

“It’s just like breaking a bad habit… But that’s not what bothers me.”

“What bothers you, then?” Changkyun asks, finding a light skinny jean.

“That you got stuck here, too.”

Changkyun pauses, stares at his nearly complete outfit on the bed as he nibbles on his lip. “Yeah, I wouldn’t wish this on anyone,” Changkyun mumbles, finding some underwear and sighing small. “But hey, at least it wasn’t someone else.”

“What do you mean?”

Changkyun frowns. Not… sure? Huh. “Better than getting stuck with your girlfriend, right?” Changkyun asks, turning around to smile at Kihyun.

Kihyun makes a face. “Oh, fuck that!”

Changkyun laughs. “See! There’s always a bright side,” he smiles. “Gonna shower. Don’t go anywhere,” Changkyun jokes, pointing to his eyes and then to Kihyun. He slowly moves out of ‘frame’, towards his en suite bathroom, gathering up his clothes as he does, not looking away from Kihyun, for comedic effect. Meanwhile, Kihyun just looks at him in amusement and crosses his arms as he shakes his head.

Kihyun doesn’t do what he’s told, though. And once Changkyun is ready, he needs to tiptoe around the house to look for his loop-friend, which he finds in the balcony, among all the tiny vases and plants, talking softly with the cat.

“He takes better care of these plants than I take care of myself,” Kihyun mumbles, and the cat blinks at him. “It’s cute but don’t tell him that.”

Carefully, Changkyun steps back so Kihyun doesn’t hear him, chest a little tight as he smiles. That was cute. He only calls out once he’s in the living room. “Hey!” Changkyun whines with a smile. “I told you not to move!”

“It was the cat,” Kihyun huffs, poking the poor animal with his foot and then turning to look at Changkyun. It’s quite obvious that Kihyun’s eyes go up and down. And Changkyun can tell that he’s taking his sweet time thinking about what to say, given how debateful he looks. In the end, Kihyun just says, “You look really nice in basics…”

Changkyun looks down, face feeling a little warm. Why does it suddenly just feel like he’s on a date with this guy again? The hell. “Thanks,” Changkyun huffs. “I suppose I’ll never get to wear another hoody outside, huh?”

“Nothing is stopping you but you’ll die,” Kihyun laughs. “Believe me, I’m way more tired of summer than I’m tired of my girlfriend. And that’s saying something.”

Changkyun laughs, waving Kihyun over to follow him to the front door. “Yeah, kind of sucks that I really love autumn and got stuck in a day like this. Good thing I invested in an aircon ages back. Anyway,” Changkyun clears his throat and turns around once he’s at the door. “I… really liked our date. The first one. Before all this shit happened.”

Kihyun blinks over in surprise and then blinks again while he processes. “Oh… Yeah… Me too.”

“And because--” Stop blushing . “We seem to be at odds with quite a lot of this, which makes sense because I’m a noob and you’re a fucking veteran, I would just like for us to both agree that… That that matters,” Changkyun says, pouting small and looking up at Kihyun properly, a little shyly. “We had a first date, it was nice, and that matters. Right...?”

Kihyun opens his mouth to say something but then closes it and nods, smiling small and looking away. “I’m…” He sighs. “I promised myself I’d try… If not for my own sake anymore then at least for yours… It’s not our fault that you’re stuck in this now. And, more than anyone, I’m supposed to know what it is to feel alone… I don’t need to be alone anymore, and I shouldn’t cast you away just because I’m a bitter asshole. I do like you and I like your company… I just hope I’m not too much of a lost cause. This is completely different from everything I’ve done for the past three years or so and…” Kihyun glances over. “I don’t wanna fuck it up… You’ve been the only thing that’s mattered for a while and that hasn’t changed. So… don’t let me sabotage that, please.”

The only thing that’s mattered, huh? Ugh… That’s… romantic. Ugh! 

Changkyun smiles small, walking closer to softly poke at Kihyun’s chest. “So… Self-sabotage,” Changkyun sort of teases. “A loop thing or a Kihyun thing?”

Kihyun smiles and rolls his eyes. “Loop-thing, I believe…”

Changkyun nods and smiles, poking Kihyun again, a little harder this time, with a scrunch to his face like it takes effort. “I’m not a loop-thing,” Changkyun teases. “Capiche?” 

Kihyun frowns but nods. Changkyun lifts his hand to poke the frown and melts a little at the face Kihyun makes, because his frown looks so soft when Changkyun pokes it that it’s just cute, cute, cute--Okay, self, stop.

The sound of Kihyun’s own shoes on the sidewalk is quite the encompassing rhythm. Tonight is always such a great night. Kihyun remembers when he still wanted to enjoy it to its fullest. Before the minimalistic routine of doing only the bare minimum took a hold of him. Because that’s the thing nobody got to teach him, the hard truth he had to learn all by himself: living in a loop is but a graphic of ups and downs. There’s confusion at first, then optimism, then realization quickly followed by depression. And after reaching rock bottom, there’s the slight ecstasy that comes with a growing newly found optimistic perspective that won’t last long.

Kihyun wonders how long Changkyun’s optimism will last. In a way, Kihyun knows he was a bit (too much) of an asshole towards someone who was just confused and scared of having found himself in a time loop. The truth, however, doesn’t lie only in disappointment, it’s got a lot to do with the unwillingness to accept getting overly optimistic again. Because the more hopeful Kihyun feels, the more he lets himself fly up, the bigger the crash is.

To have no choice but to live is very different from having no choice but to die. It makes food taste different. It makes people feel distant. It makes everything so very boring. It’s great to assume ‘I will live only for myself’, but the hard truth is that no one really does live only for themselves. The idea is a falsehood people feed themselves to feel free. And freedom in its purest form is a utopia.

When he looks over to Changkyun, however, his hair the colour of the sky and a smile as delicately bright as the stars in the night, Kihyun finds himself hoping that hope will last.

“You know,” Changkyun says, and it’s the first time either of them have said anything in quite a while. They’ve just been walking in comfortable silence, passing people and streets that will never change. “It’s actually a really nice night out…”

Kihyun puffs a small breath and smiles, pushing his hands into the pockets of his pants. “I was thinking the same thing…”

Changkyun smiles and looks up. He stands out a little, with his plain white t-shirt catching light from the streetlamps. “I’m going to miss the rain…”

“When you do, we can try going somewhere where it’s raining.”

“How far have you been able to go in a day? Or haven’t you tried?”

“I told you,” Kihyun laughs softly. “I didn’t lie when I told you I smoked a bunch of crystal to see how far I could go. Might have omitted the reason but… Hey, made it to Mumbai.”

“Ah, true,” Changkyun laughs. “Think it rained in Mumbai?”

“No idea,” Kihyun shrugs. “I was in such a state I fell asleep the moment they caught me outside of the airport.”

“We’ll check, one day,” Changkyun huffs. He glances over and leans closer just to bump at Kihyun’s shoulder with his own. “What do you miss the most?”

Kihyun sighs. “Surprisingly? Work…”

“Oh, right! What’s your job? I can’t believe I don’t know that!”

“I worked in a mortuary,” Kihyun scoffs. “As a mortician. We… were the ones handling all the arrangements for burial and funeral services of the deceased.”

Changkyun blinks. “That’s… morbid. Did you see a lot of dead bodies, then?”

“Well, yes but… I didn’t clean them or any of that. My job was mainly just bureaucracy. The cleaning job was Minhyuk’s. He’s a diener. Besides! It’s not morbid. That’s like telling the person who takes your trash away that their job is gross.”

Changkyun rolls his eyes with a smile. “I didn’t mean to offend, I’ve just--” Changkyun shrugs. “Never even seen a dead body. And it’s not the usual job you’d assume someone has, you know? But it’s cool! No judgement, or whatever.”

Kihyun puffs a breath. “Seeing dead bodies isn’t as cool as most people think.”

“ Nothing in me thought it was ‘cool’ to see dead bodies,” Changkyun shivers.

“I said ‘most people’ not ‘Im Changkyun’.”

Changkyun gasps playfully. “You know my surname!” He laughs. “Fuck, I don’t know yours. I suck at this.”

Kihyun rolls his eyes. “Yoo.”

“Me?” Changkyun asks in English, grinning.

“Yoo Kihyun.”

“No, me Changkyun,” Changkyun says, slowly.

“Yes, me Tarzan, you Jane,” Kihyun says with another roll of his eyes.

“They’re gonna detach and roll over the pavement soon,” Changkyun laughs. “So, Minhyuk. Co-worker or friend? Ex?”

Kihyun frowns. “Co-worker. I’ve only had the one girlfriend. And apparently I can’t get rid of her,” he scoffs, shaking his head.

“Random question,” Changkyun says. “How do you know she’s cheating on you? I assume you didn’t start this day knowing.”

“I told you,” Kihyun mumbles, “I found out.” He looks up and then around before looking at Changkyun. “Tired, yet?” Changkyun shakes his head. “Then follow me,” Kihyun mumbles, turning to peek down the street and then crossing the road to the other side, Changkyun silently following. It’s not like Kihyun expects Changkyun to believe him. Kihyun doesn’t know if he would, even after everything he’s supposedly seen. So… might as well, right?

They catch a bus all the way to Gangnam. Changkyun doesn’t ask, just takes out his phone and hands Kihyun an earphone for the ride. Kihyun appreciates the silence. He’s starting to feel like this subject has been far too debated for his own good. And even though he knows it will still hurt, even after all this time, he might as well just let Changkyun find his answers on his own.

Nightlife in Gangnam is dynamic. Everything is loud, vibrant and colourful, and there’s people from all different types of background gathering in groups. Kihyun slowly takes Changkyun into a bar and they manage to make their way up to the counter without garnering much attention. Those who are sitting are busy conversing, drinking, smoking, flirting and kissing. Those who are standing up are busy dancing or navigating the small crowd with drinks in their hands.

Kihyun asks for two beers and hands one back to Changkyun when the bartender places the bottles over the counter. Kihyun quickly pays and then turns around, lower back pressing against the edge of the wood. He knows exactly where to look, he knows exactly what he’ll see. He’s been here before. So, he takes a moment before glancing up.

Ahead, surrounding a round table, there’s a group of people who’re talking between themselves and giggling like crazy. On some guy’s lap, there’s Sena, currently putting her drink down on the table and leaning back into what Kihyun guesses to be warmth. She throws her arms around the man Kihyun doesn’t know and crosses her legs, giggling at something before turning to whisper in his ear. She’s always had such a pretty smile. Kihyun has to wonder if that one is the real one or the fake one. At this point it’s impossible to tell. But her dress is the same as this morning’s. And she still looks mesmerizing.

“There,” Kihyun says, tilting his head in Sena’s direction. The music is loud, but he doesn’t bother raising his voice beyond what’s strictly necessary.

Changkyun looks over, and Kihyun can actually see the way his jaw tenses slightly. He takes a breath and a long swig of beer before putting it down. “Ah,” he says. He looks at Kihyun and it’s not… pity, really. But there is a softness in Changkyun’s eyes, behind whatever anger he clearly has for Sena and concern he has for Kihyun. 

“Don’t bother,” Kihyun says, taking a drink from his beer. “It won’t change anything. And whatever satisfaction it gives me to ruin her night, it only makes me feel worse, eventually. She will have forgotten and I will have to remember, so…”

Changkyun bites at his lip. “You said she blames it on you?”

Kihyun looks down. “Whenever we break up or whenever I confront her… She says it’s my fault. Says… she never felt loved. That she had to go look for it somewhere else. Sometimes, I wonder if she’s right. But I can’t remember ever not loving her until I found this out… And even then it took a while to forget. Thankfully,” Kihyun rolls his eyes. “I have nothing but time.”

“It’s the worst way to fall out of love, isn’t it?” Changkyun says, eyes on the dancing crowd. “I really am sorry… I can tell you loved her a lot, so I really can’t imagine that she couldn’t…”

Kihyun shrugs. “To each their own. I suppose we all love differently. Some people might think your love is obnoxious or cold, others will thrive in it. I’m just glad I don’t feel any sort of commitment towards her anymore, even though I’m kind of stuck with her anyway.”

Changkyun huffs, turning around to face the counter and pick up his beer for another sip. “Yeah, I get that. The loving differently thing. Although I’m starting to doubt if I ever loved anyone…”

“Well, don’t ask me,” Kihyun scoffs. “I didn’t even know I was bisexual until this loop started.”

Changkyun frowns, looking amused when he glances over with a soft laugh. “What now?”

“Ah,” Kihyun snorts a laugh and lifts his hand to hide it. He looks away even though he knows his ears are red and giving him away. “I… You were my ‘awakening’.”

Changkyun tongues at his cheek and looks away, but Kihyun spots the smile. “Aish… Thanks for the ego boost, I guess. Shame I missed out.”

“Well, it wasn’t so bad…” Kihyun teases with a scoff that he hides by bringing his beer up to his lips, trying not to blush even more. “But I guess that was all thanks to you.”

Changkyun smiles, looking down at his beer. “Dunno if you stumbled upon this fact in one of your many iterations with me or whatever, but… I’m a terrible romantic,” Changkyun says, playing with his almost empty beer bottle. “And I think the only thing that actually upsets me is that… Well, we wouldn’t have a first kiss, would we? Or a first time or a whatever the heck else,” Changkyun talks, eyes on his bottle. “And again, that’s not your fault and I don’t blame you or whatever, but… Yeah,” Changkyun scoffs, lifting the bottle to his lips and leaning his head back to finish it. “Whelp...”

“You don’t know that,” Kihyun mumbles, “Then again, neither do I. But dwelling on what ifs doesn’t do us any favors.”

Changkyun frowns. “It’s not a what if. It’s a fact. My first kiss with you, wouldn’t be your first kiss with me, no matter how you put it. And that makes me sad , because, hey, like I said; a romantic,” Changkyun says, shaking his head, seemingly at himself. “Not an attack or a whatever, just thought you oughta know how I feel, since it’s my weak point in communication or whatever .”

“You keep saying that, but I think you communicate just fine…” Kihyun mumbles, eyes on the bottle.

“It’s taking a lot of effort, trust me,” Changkyun scoffs. He doesn’t look bitter or angry or anything like that, just a little sad. “I don’t like being vulnerable, which is also what upsets me, because apparently I already have been…”

Kihyun licks his lips and glances up, sees Sena kiss the stranger’s cheek and then his lips before she bursts into giggles. “Wanna know something just as sad?”

“Hit me with it.”

“You weren’t the only one. I was just as vulnerable as you were. And every new day I looked at you and saw a friend while all you saw was some guy you kind of knew, not someone you shared stories with and who shared stories back… or someone who…” Kihyun puffs a breath. “Opened up to you because he didn’t have anyone else to talk to. You never remembered how crazy I sounded sometimes. Or when I wanted it to mean something and tried to see if maybe I could find a glitch in the glitch, tried to get you to have some sense of deja vu… Which only ended up with you getting angry at me because I was too creepy or too scary, even for you. And hey… I thought so, too. But some days I was so desperate... So, don’t think that I wasn’t just as vulnerable every time I decided to step out onto that balcony to talk to you…”

Changkyun hasn’t looked away from Kihyun’s face. He just… looks at him, expression soft and a little unreadable, before huffing a small breath and turning to Kihyun and holding out a hand. “Wanna dance..?”

Kihyun has to blink his own expression away. He doesn’t know what expression it was, he only knows it’s now gone. He looks at Changkyun and blinks again before raising an eyebrow. “With--” Kihyun stops himself. Because it doesn’t matter that his girlfriend is right there, currently cheating on him, like she does every day and will keep on doing forever. It doesn’t matter because even if it’s only been a couple of hours for her, it’s been years for Kihyun. He shouldn’t have to keep himself down while she gets to be happy every day at his expense. So, he just corrects himself. “I’m a terrible dancer, you’ll regret this,” he scoffs, putting the beer down and taking Changkyun’s hand.

Changkyun huffs a laugh and pulls them towards the crowd. “Doesn’t matter,” Changkyun says, finding them a spot and putting his arms around Kihyun’s waist, and moving close enough to put his chin on Kihyun’s shoulder if he wanted. “I’m sorry,” Changkyun says, then, glancing over and then away. They’re barely dancing , as much as just moving their feet and swaying slightly so they’re not standing still. “I’ve been selfish. I wasn’t there, and I was butt-hurt about silly things, without thinking about how it must have been for you. It’s okay, and I really am sorry…”

Kihyun shrugs small. “That’s fine… You don’t have to apologize for that.”

“I’m apologising because I’d like to start over,” Changkyun mumbles, chin propped on Kihyun’s shoulder. “Ironic, I know.”

“Well,” Kihyun sighs and smiles. “Lucky for us, we can do just that.”

“I hope so,” Changkyun mumbles. “I like you. And I think we really do need each other if we’re going to try not to lose our minds living like this…”

Kihyun actually laughs a little. “Oh, believe me. You’ll lose your mind anyway…” he says, and props his chin on Changkyun’s shoulder, too. So, this is what dancing with someone more or less your height feels like, huh? Not bad at all. 

“Yeah, but do you wanna know what the worst thing has been out of all this?” Changkyun says, and Kihyun swears he can hear the pout. “That time I spent crying alone…

“And for that I am sorry…” Kihyun mumbles. “Just because I’ve been alone all this time doesn’t mean you have to be… So that one is on me. But since I can’t just start over with you, an apology and a sushi dinner will have to do…”

Changkyun giggles. “Oh, no, he knows I love sushi, I’m melting…”

“Hmmmm,” Kihyun grins and lols his head from side to side. “Sashimi, right? Salmon sashimi.”

Changkyun literally just lets himself melt with a, “Hnn,” and laughs when Kihyun stumbles slightly. “Tomorrow night? Official date number two? Wait, shit, starting over--Date number one? But I liked that first daaaate,” Changkyun whines.

“We can have it again, without me acting like a weirdo,” Kihyun huffs.

“Think I’ll be less blushy and nervous this time?” Changkyun teases, leaning back to look at Kihyun. He’s already a little blushy. It’s cute. So… Might as well just let him know, now that it counts.

“I don’t mind, though? I think it’s really endearing,” Kihyun says, swaying Changkyun a little and smiling fondly at him.

“Last question,” Changkyun says, smiling small, ears pink. “Before we reset,” he huffs. “The other day, you mentioned fancy feelings and I… assumed. I’m not asking if you--” Changkyun goes a little pinker. “I just--It would make me feel a lot better if I knew it… Well, that you…” Changkyun groans and leans forward, face on Kihyun’s shoulder. “Nevermind.”

“That I’m in love with you?” Kihyun asks, voice surprisingly even despite the little jump his heart gives.

Changkyun lifts a hand from Kihyun’s waist to laugh and push it to Kihyun’s mouth with a, “Shhh,” that he laughs through, face very red. “Resetting!” he squeaks.

Kihyun hopes Changkyun knows they’ll either have to fall asleep or die to reset today. But he doesn’t tell him that. It’s been a while since he’s shared a good type of uncomfortable walk home with anyone. He won’t mind doing it with Changkyun.

“We are not fancy enough for this place,” Changkyun says, eyes up and staring at a modern looking chandelier. 

“Speak for yourself, I’ll be broke after today,” Kihyun jokes. “Anyway, The Boat is this mix of Thai and Japanese food and it’s a massive wooden ship with sixty four pieces. Eat away because it will mean nothing tomorrow.”

“Another item for the ‘Pros’ part of the mental Pros and Cons list I’ve got going,” Changkyun laughs. He looks nice today; he’s dressed quite formally for the occasion, hair styled back and tie a little loose around his neck. He reaches forward with his chopsticks the moment the waiter places down the massive, colourful boat of sushi, immediately aiming for a piece of salmon sashimi. “God, that’s fucking beautiful ,” Changkyun groans, looking at the slice of fish, pink and striped. It looks fake, it’s so perfect. He dips the tip in a bowl of soy sauce, and makes an absurd noise when he puts it in his mouth. It makes Kihyun laugh.

“I gotta say, it feels weird to be normal…” Kihyun admits, taking his chopsticks and taking a hosomaki for himself. Changkyun still looks like he’s going through some spiritual experience. “But I don’t dislike it… On the other hand, I have to ask--” Kihyun plops the hosomaki into his mouth and squints at Changkyun while he munches. “I’m sure there’s all sorts of crazy things you’d like to try. That certainly was the case for me after I got over a couple of things. So… lay them on the table.”

Changkyun hums, “I think… Skydiving,” he nods. “I wanna go skydiving. And go to a stupidly expensive hotel with a great view. I wanna…” Changkyun thinks, munching on a nigiri. “Get a stupid tattoo and dye my hair a funny colour. I wanna try and rob a bank,” Changkyun laughs. “Or see how much shit I can shoplift before they notice.”

Kihyun gapes. “You wanna rob a bank?” he hisses.

“I don’t know…?” Changkyun admits, chewing thoughtfully. “They always make it look so cool in the movies…”

Kihyun raises both eyebrows and looks down to take another piece of sushi. Yep, this man is going to kill me. Over and over and over again. “Well… I’ll dye my hair pink then.”

Changkyun looks at Kihyun, like he’s imagining it. “Oh no, that’s adorable…”

“If we’re going to rob a bank then I obviously need to look like the typical yandere bad guy.”

Changkyun laughs. “Did you know I actually thought you were a bit tsundere on that first date of ours that never happened?”

“If it never happened then why are you talking about it?” Kihyun teases, eating a piece of sashimi that melts unforgivingly in his mouth. Damn.

“Mine,” Changkyun laughs, reaching for another sashimi. “I want to… Eat at a different place every time we decide to go out. I want to walk every street in this city. What did you call it? A cage? Quite a big cage, then.”

Kihyun rolls his eyes. “Glad you see it like that…” For now. But that’s alright. I’ll be here when it all comes crashing down, I suppose. “Let’s go to Hong Kong. Seriously. I’ve done the math. We can get there by lunch time and enjoy a whole day and night before we wake up back here.”

Changkyun smiles fondly. “Okay. We don’t even have to pack anything,” Changkyun jokes, keeping his eyes on Kihyun as he chews. “Hong Kong, and then… Japan?” 

“Oh… Where in Japan?” Kihyun asks, knows he’s suddenly excited but tries to shove it down together with the piece of sushi he swallows almost whole.

“Japan has a lot of beautiful things and places,” Changkyun says, smiling and shrugging casually. 

“Well, you can’t go to Japan and not go to Tokyo.”

“Tokyo, obviously Tokyo. Osaka, Niigata… We could see Mount Fiji? Go to those old temples… They have fox villages. I’ve always wanted to see those,” Changkyun muses, smiling small. “Man, that could actually be a lot of fun… Oh, and we could get First Class tickets because why the fuck not!” Changkyun smiles. He actually looks happy, too.

“Sounds great,” Kihyun agrees. “So… tomorrow? After tomorrow?”

Changkyun nods, beaming a little. “Tomorrow, Hong Kong!”

Kihyun opens one eye and then the other and stares at the beams of light that pass through the blinds. He notices now that the dust clings to them in circular motions, spinning round and round and round… Just like a loop. A loop. It hasn’t felt like a loop ever since Changkyun woke up in it. And yet, it’s only been a few days since they’ve settled on equal footing and Kihyun is already waking up with a warm comfort in his chest. 

He takes his phone and pulls it under the blankets to dial in Changkyun’s number. Yes, Kihyun got to memorize it on the way back home last night. It beeps until Changkyun hangs up. You better be on your way over, idiot.  

And back to the usual...

“How do I look?” Sena asks.

“Great,” Changkyun answers. That was fast . Kihyun blinks and only has time to lift his hand before he preemptively flinches when he sees Changkyun fall over him and onto the bed with a, “Hooff…”

“Oh, god, what--” Sena starts. “Who the fuck are you?!”

Kihyun blinks and puffs a laugh, letting his head plop back onto the pillow. “It’s just the neighbor…” he mumbles.

“And what is ‘the neighbor’ doing in your bed?”

“Shhhh,” Changkyun goes, waving a hand like Sena is a mosquito circling his head.

“You have to get ready and I have to buy those last minute tickets… Getoff,” Kihyun laughs softly, ruffling Changkyun’s already messy hair. Why is this making Kihyun fall even more in love? He doesn’t know. He doesn’t exactly like it, but he is at least aware that he can’t fight it.

“Fiiiine,” Changkyun groans and Sena just gapes, as Changkyun gets up and walks straight into Kihyun’s bathroom. Idiot.

Kihyun sits up and rubs at one of his eyes before catching Sena’s stare. “What…?”

“What tickets ?” Sena asks. “Since when are you friends with this guy?”

“Ah… Since a year or so ago,” Kihyun says. “Don’t worry. I’ll be back tomorrow morning.”

Sena looks annoyed, glancing at the bathroom door still slightly ajar as the water starts running. “Fine. Just… tell me next time you plan on going on trips with your friends or whatever…”

“Will do,” Kihyun nods. He stretches his legs and then gets up, giving Sena a look. “You look nice, by the way.”

Sena suddenly looks a lot less annoyed. “Thank you,” she smiles, leaning in to kiss at Kihyun’s lips. Will I ever be able to avoid this without seeming like a crazy person? Doubt it.  

“Have… fun with your mother,” Kihyun says, wiping at his mouth when Sena turns away.

Sena looks over with a slight frown as she slips on her shoes. “Never mentioned my mother…”

“Ah--” Fuck. “Sorry… Just assumed… Have fun with… Whomever!” Kihyun chirps, giving her a finger gun. Why? Well. Who the fuck cares! The world is on a loop.

Sena looks amused but nods. “Alright, I will. Enjoy your trip,” she says, and walks away to leave.

“Byyee,” Kihyun says with a slight whine. He hears the door close and then looks at his wardrobe. What will I dress today…?

“That was bad!” Changkyun calls from Kihyun’s shower.

“What was?” Kihyun asks as he walks up to his computer on the desk.

“ You look nice, by the way .”

“Jealous?”

“No. I just hate her guts.”

“So do I…” Kihyun says. “But I like to believe she will feel bad later on when she remembers I was nice to her. I know it’s not exactly a real expectation but hey…” He plops down on the chair and opens his laptop. “Hurry up, I wanna shower, too!”

Changkyun hums something in reply. A minute or two later, the shower turns off, and a minute after that, he’s stepping out with one of Kihyun’s towels wrapped around his hips, hair wet and sending water flying as he ruffles it. “I’m stealing your clothes.”

Kihyun blinks over and raises both eyebrows, propping one elbow on the table and resting his cheek against his fist while his eyes go up and down on Changkyun. “Might have a shirt or two that’s a bit too big on me but will fit you just fine…” It’s quite different, seeing someone naked in dim light and seeing them with daylight seeping through the windows. Kihyun is amused at himself and at how much he seems to want to just stare.

“Would you like me to do a little spin?” Changkyun jokes as he walks to Kihyun’s dresser.

“If you want,” Kihyun says, trying not to smile at the sound of Changkyun’s flat, bare feet against the floor. Changkyun just smiles and rifles through Kihyun’s drawers for clothes, which gives Kihyun a pretty nice view of his back. “I like your moles.”

Changkyun glances over, eyebrow raised and ears a little pink. “Thanks… Although I wager you have more,” Changkyun says, taking one of Kihyun’s short sleeved button up shirts.

Kihyun tilts his head when he shrugs. “Perhaps.” He turns back to his laptop and finishes getting two very expensive last minute tickets. Here’s to going broke in a day, I guess.

“Don’t look around, I’m changing ,” Changkyun says. 

“That’s unfair…” Kihyun mumbles.

“I’ll have to go get my own shoes because your feet are fucking tiny .”

“A guy is allowed one or two tiny features,” Kihyun says.

“Oh, so there’s another one?” Changkyun laughs.

“My hands,” Kihyun says, leaning back and almost glancing over by mistake. No. Bad Kihyun. “You said so yourself once… Well, not you but…” Kihyun rolls his eyes. “Tiny hands, ” he goes, mimicking Changkyun quite poorly.

Changkyun barks a small laugh, and Kihyun hears him walk closer before he sees him in his peripheral, reaching over for one of Kihyun’s hands, squishing at his palm and playing with his fingers. “Aw,” he coos, pouting at Kihyun’s hand. “They're cute and soft and tiny, I wove them.”

Kihyun actually blushes and frowns in annoyance at the fact. “Got our tickets…” he mumbles. Now he wants to hold hands. But that’s not what they are, is it? Who knows what they are, really. But definitely not that.

“And I’m dressed, so you can calm down,” Changkyun chuckles, patting Kihyun’s hand before letting go. “I’ll go make us some coffee and get my shoes.”

“Okay…” Kihyun says with a sigh, chest tight when it wants him to scream ‘I love you’. “I’ll shower, then…” And drown myself. Or try to, at least.

“Enjoy!” Changkyun says as he walks out of Kihyun’s room. “It’s a great shower, I might just come over here for one again!”

“Might as well,” Kihyun mumbles to himself before standing up and walking into the bathroom.

Some things are worth the effort of getting to them. Not that there is much effort in enjoying a first class airplane seat next to Kihyun, drinking expensive cocktails and pretending to be rich and careless, not even getting to watch anything because they spend far too long just talking and giggling about silly things. 

Airports are usually hell, but with no luggage, they practically just got off the plane and sauntered into the center of Hong Kong. It was busy, and sort of beautiful, and with all the amazing food stalls, it smelled incredible. 

They bought their lunch from a street vendor, and it was delicious, and portable, so they nibbled as they walked, taking in sights neither of them had ever seen before. They both agreed to make their way up to Victoria Peak, to reach it by sunset, and they do. 

It's picturesque, but of course, taking pictures is null and void now, so they just stand there and take it all in. And it's beautiful. It really, really is. So beautiful that Changkyun doesn't care that it will happen every day, even if they're not here to see it, and instead of thinking that looking at it now doesn't matter because it will happen every day, it matters because this time, on this day that feels so unlike the others, they get to see it. And maybe because it happens every day, the days are even better for it. 

"Worth it?" Changkyun asks, side by side with Kihyun, eyes on the burnt orange sky as it reflects off water and skyscrapers. The sun is setting behind some foggy clouds.

“Worth it,” Kihyun says, crossing his arms over the railing and smiling softly at the view. “It’s… definitely different, being able to do all this with somebody else.”

“I assume ‘all this’ isn’t a trip to Hong Kong,” Changkyun smiles, glancing over at Kihyun. Now that , that is a genuine smile.

“Ever jumped out of a plane?” Kihyun asks with a soft laugh.

“Nope,” Changkyun huffs. “Told you, though, I wanna try skydiving. Have you?”

“Right. Well, I haven’t but I thought about it. It’s gotta be better than jumping off a skyscraper.”

Changkyun squints. “Why does it sound like you’ve done that one before…”

“Don’t recommend,” Kihyun mumbles, looking serious for a moment. So Changkyun bumps him softly with his shoulder. Smile again… You’re so pretty when you smile . “Let’s do that, though. Skydiving.”

“Tomorrow?” Changkyun asks. It’s a habit, now. To refer to it as ‘tomorrow’, and not just ‘today, again’. 

“I don’t know if we’ll be able to schedule it but…” Kihyun squints. “Fuck it. If they don’t let us, we’ll just steal a plane. I don’t even know how to drive a plane.”

Changkyun giggles. “Does it matter?”

“Well… I suppose not, although I’d like to be able to die properly and fast if we go down,” Kihyun scoffs, leaning back and glancing over. The sun is shining orange against his profile. It gives his skin a nice golden glow. “Pain is very much real.”

Changkyun wonders when he’ll reach that point. That point where he either needs the pain to remind him what being alive means, or that point where he’ll just want to end it all and try everything to see which will work. Nothing will work, though. He hopes he’ll be in his right mind to know that, or that Kihyun will be there to remind him.

“Yeah,” Changkyun agrees. He smiles softly when he realises Kihyun is still looking at him, and bumps softly at him again before glancing back to the view. “Look at the sunset, idiot...”

“I’ve seen plenty of those,” Kihyun jokes, turning back to the view and crossing his arms over the railing again. He lies his head down, chin and nose buried in his arms, but keeps his eyes on Changkyun. “What else do you want to do?”

Changkyun huffs as he feels his ears go pink, copying Kihyun’s stance with his eyes slightly narrowed at him. “Hmm… Night market? The ferry? A flamboyant gay club?” Changkyun teases with a laugh.

“Never been to a gay club,” Kihyun admits. “Have you?”

“No. The daddies would descend on me like piranhas to a juicy steak, it’s horrific.”

Kihyun scrunches his nose. “Never understood that one…”

“Me neither, but my Instagram DMs made sure I know it deeeefinitely exists,” Changkyun laughs.

“That many dick pics?” Kihyun asks, and by the way his eyes thin and wrinkle at the tail, Changkyun can tell that he’s smiling. That eye tail of his is so pretty. Does he know that?

“And then you wonder why I have an ego,” Chagnkyun jokes. 

“I see,” Kihyun says. “I suppose you win on that front,” he adds, lifting his head and finally looking away. “Never got any dick pics.”

Changkyun sighs deeply, reaching back for his phone and opening Instagram. “I guess it’s time to recommend you to some friends of mine--”

“No, thank you very much,” Kihyun scoffs. “Besides--” He straightens up and stretches a little, arms up over his head while he gives the sunset a scrunchy face. “I think it’s ‘cause my Instagram is mostly just… my face, some views and my--” He pauses, “Sena’s face…”

Changkyun pokes at the inside of his cheek with his tongue. “I suppose it doesn’t really matter, but--” Changkyun raises his phone and wiggles it with a smile. “Selfie?”

Kihyun drops his arms and blinks over. “Oh… Uhm, sure…” He shifts closer, back to the railing and tilts his head into Changkyun’s bubble when Changkyun lifts his phone. Changkyun smiles, waits a second until Kihyun is obviously posing for the picture, and turns his face to kiss at Kihyun’s cheek as he takes it. Kihyun immediately leans away and looks at Changkyun in mild surprise, blush creeping in on his cheeks. “Warn a guy next time…”

“Nope,” Changkyun cackles, adding a soft filter to the picture and captioning it with a few purple hearts. “Your username? You better put this on your story so Sena sees it.”

“Yoo Ki and then three H’s,” Kihyun says, pulling his phone out of his pocket. “All clumped together in lower case.”

“Creative. Was three H’s necessary because the others were taken?” Changkyun laughs, posting the picture with Kihyun tagged. It’s an adorable picture, really. Very… boyfriend . Whelp.

“Apparently there’s a lot of Yoo Kihyuns out there, what can I say,” Kihyun scoffs.

“Yeah, but you’re the cutest.”

Kihyun doesn’t react beyond an eyebrow raise, eyes on his phone as he taps away. Changkyun gets the notification that Kihyun has added their picture to his story, and then the both of them put their phones away, and watch the view until the sun is completely gone, and the lights of the city have come to life. It’s a different type of beauty. Not natural, sure, but still beautiful. 

“Funny to think we’re going to fall asleep in some fancy bed in some fancy ass hotel, and then just wake up at home again,” Changkyun hums. “Which reminds me. Why the fuck did you buy return tickets?” Changkyun laughs.

Kihyun makes a funny face. “Because… I’m… dumb. Then again… What does it matter?!”

Changkyun giggles, leaning himself closer to Kihyun to rest his head on Kihyun’s shoulder as he watches the city lights. It’s nice, Kihyun smells good, and he’s not going to overthink it. 

“Alright,” Kihyun says with a small sigh after a couple of minutes. “Let’s head into the city and look around…? We’ll find something to do. It’s Hong Kong, after all.”

Changkyun smiles. “Okay,” he says, but still takes a minute before he leans back and stretches out. “Let’s go!” he says, jokingly lifting his leg as if to climb over the railing.

“I swear to god--” Kihyun laughs, grabbing onto Changkyun and yanking him away.

Kihyun opens his eyes and stares at the beams of light that come through the blinds. Morning, he thinks. It’s morning again. And today he’s--

“How do I look?” Sena asks and Kihyun practically throws the covers to the floor when he jumps to his feet, making Sena give a little startled yelp.

“Gorgeous! D’you remember where I put my swimming trunks?”

Sena blinks. “Your what…?”

Kihyun turns to give his girlfriend (ex-girlfriend?) a look. “Swimming. Trunks.”

“Oh…” Sena keeps blinking. “You told me I could give them to my brother… Because you weren’t using them… So I--”

Kihyun frowns in thought. Right. I did do that… Didn’t I? “Thanks,” he says, turning to walk out of the bedroom. Changkyun probably has some spare trunks he can lend him.

“Where are you going?!” Sena asks from the bedroom.

“Swimming!” Kihyun yells back, opening the front door and walking into the corridor in a t-shirt and boxers. It’s not like anyone will remember his sweaty morning self tomorrow.

Changkyun’s spare key is where it always is and Kihyun slips inside the apartment without making much noise. He needs to play a game of remembering what’s in the way because the blinds are down and he can’t see where he’s going. But, eventually, he makes it to Changkyun’s room. Changkyun should be waking up soon. His alarm is always set for early in the morning. But they’re in a hurry so…

Kihyun peeks at the lump in the bed and squints. “Wake up…” he says softly. 

Nothing.

“Alright…” Kihyun takes a deep breath, lifts his arms and lets his entire weight take him down when he tips forward. He crashes over Changkyun with a, “Good--fuck--Morning!” and then rolls to the side in mild pain. “Ow,” he laughs, just as Changkyun yelps in surprise.

“Wha--” Changkyun practically croaks, head lifted to squint at his bedroom and spotting Kihyun. He laughs and drops his head back onto the pillow. “Jesus Christ, Kihyun...”

“Do you have spare swim trunks I can borrow?” Kihyun asks, still sort of laughing and holding onto his torso. Changkyun’s bed is comfortable. Need to ask him where he bought this mattress, I’m melting.

Changkyun scoffs and stretches out with a soft smile. He looks like a cat in the sun. “Mhm,” Changkyun hums in affirmation with a small yawn. “You wanna go swimming? Sounds fun...”

“I’m postponing the skydiving,” Kihyun says. “But diving sounds like fun.”

Changkyun scoffs a laugh and then giggles, with a slight whine as he turns around in bed. “Comfyyyyy. Top drawer.”

Kihyun glances at Changkyun for a moment but looks away before his brain and chest pull him away from himself. “Thanks. And hurry up. Your alarm will sound in a bit. Be ready by then.”

“Heh?” Changkyun laughs, sitting up. His face is all puffy and his hair is a mess. “Why are you in a rush?!”

“Because the beach is still a while away,” Kihyun mumbles as he goes through Changkyun’s things.

“Oooooh, shit, he wants to go to the beach, okay,” Changkyun says, standing up and out of bed. He stretches again and walks closer, laughing as he hands over a red speedo. “No?”

Kihyun stares. “Definitely not.”

“Fine, I’ll wear these,” Changkyun teases, picking another pair of yellow and pink flamingo patterned swimming trunks.

Kihyun frowns. Yellow and pink? Cute.

“Great idea, by the way,” Changkyun smiles, finding another pair and throwing it over to Kihyun. It’s green and black, patterned with leaves. Changkyun turns to walk to his bathroom. “Haven’t been to the beach in ages. We can take another selfie!”

Kihyun smiles small at the trunks and then sighs. “Sounds great…” he mumbles to himself. What am I doing…?

‘What am I doing?’ is a question that echoes. It echoes every morning. It resounds in the waves every time they go to the beach, or in the songs they hear when they finally go to a gay club one night. It echoes in the alarm that goes off when they steal a box of gummy bears and a bag full of ramens from a 7 Eleven and get chased by the police down four blocks before they’re caught (Kihyun had never been behind bars before, it was quite the experience). It echoes when they finally go skydiving, through the way gravity pulls and the way the wind flows by. And even though Kihyun knows he’ll be fine even if something does go wrong, his knees still feel weak at the prospect of jumping out of a plane. It echoes through every lunch they eat together, at every expensive dinner or trip to amusement parks and aquariums and zoos. It just… echoes. 

What am I doing…? 

And Kihyun really tries not to get hopeful for things that will never come.

They go to Japan, quite a few times, so they can see as much as they can. It’s beautiful and exciting and Changkyun seems to get better at speaking Japanese every time they go. Changkyun does a few of the things he’d promised he’d do, sitting in the corner of Kihyun’s balcony with a newly bought (it’s always newly bought) guitar that he learns to play. He sings to himself, and he has a nice voice, as soft as he keeps it. Kihyun likes to stay close by every time, just reading yet another book or watching a movie he’s already watched before. The breeze is summery and… the feeling of having Changkyun right there is… nice. Comfortable silences are nice.

And one day, Kihyun walks into his own apartment after being sent to buy sushi from somewhere oddly far away, and finds it filled with balloons, haphazard decorations, a cake, and a banner that says ‘HAPPY BIRTHDAY!’.

“My birthday is in November,” he tells Changkyun.

“Doesn’t matter!” Changkyun enthuses, pulls at the end of something that then explodes in confetti all over his living room. “Whee!”

But still, Kihyun indulges him, and finds himself loving the cake Changkyun got him; a lemon cake. Did Kihyun mention loving lemon cakes at some point? He can’t remember. All he gets as a present is a mental coupon for backrubs. 

Despite appearances, most of this is for Changkyun. Kihyun knows things will never be more than what they are. He knows this will all be fine until it’s not. Because there’s really no point despite what they both tell themselves every time they wake up in today.  

Kihyun thinks it’s been two or three months, maybe more, since Changkyun joined him in this loop. So it comes both as a surprise but also not when one day Changkyun simply doesn’t show up. Kihyun waits all morning, considering what they’d planned the day before. But when Changkyun doesn’t come over for lunch, Kihyun gets up and hesitantly makes his way to Changkyun’s apartment.

He finds Changkyun sitting in the corner of his running shower, naked and with his head in his arms, knees up, not even glancing up when Kihyun opens the bathroom door. Kihyun just takes a deep breath and silently makes his way closer, not bothering when he wets his clothes on the running water as he steps into the shower and sits down next to Changkyun but facing the wall.

Water runs down Kihyun’s scalp before it wets most of his hair, and he watches it drip down from brown strands every now and then. He doesn’t know if it’s empathy or something else. But seeing Changkyun like this, even if expected, breaks his heart. Kihyun never wished this on anyone. But least of all the person he’s grown to love, someone who belonged on the other side of the glitch, where things are exciting, new, and much more shiny.

Kihyun swallows every time his throat feels a little tight, and takes silent deep breaths whenever his eyes burn. But he lets the water keep running until both his fingers and toes look like they’re about to tear themselves apart from being wet for so long.

“Do you want me to wash your hair…?” he asks softly after what has felt like hours.

For the first time, Changkyun looks up, eyes puffy and red and a lighter brown than usual as they land on Kihyun. He looks sad, and a little ashamed. He swallows small and looks away with a tiny nod, just leaning forward again to hide his face in his arms. 

Kihyun simply takes the bottle of shampoo and sniffs it--lavender--before dripping some over Changkyun’s head and slowly massaging his scalp. Changkyun leans forward whenever Kihyun asks, and doesn’t say a word even when Kihyun turns the water off and wraps a towel around him. In the end Changkyun is just a wet, sad mess wrapped in a yellow towel, and Kihyun kind of wishes he was bigger, for once, just so he could pick this idiot boy up and take him to his bed.

“You’ll be okay…” Kihyun whispers, kissing the top of Changkyun’s wet head and then standing up to look around the bathroom for a comb and a hair dryer. Taking care of Changkyun now is the least he can do. If only there had been someone to take care of Kihyun, too, when he was the one in such a state.

Eventually, Kihyun manages to take Changkyun to bed. He gets dressed on his own and then lets Kihyun tuck him under washed covers. Kihyun thinks about leaving. He’s sort of a mess, too, hair oily from only being wet, not washed, shirt still damp over skin that sweated all night. But instead, he just sits on the floor right next to Changkyun and holds his hand, thumbing softly over the back of it and combing through Changkyun’s soft hair with his other hand.

“Down the valley,” Kihyun starts, voice but a soft mumble, “There was a village. And on the outskirts of the village stood a small, rundown cottage. And in the cottage lived a widow with her only son, uhm, Jack. They were poor. This was clear to see from the ragged clothes on their backs and the worn shoes on their feet. They did possess one item of real value, though, a beautiful caramel coloured cow. Jack woke early every morning. He milked the cow, poured the milk into a jug and set off to the dairy. The milk was only worth a few pennies, but Jack didn’t mind. He happily accepted the pennies from the dairy farmer, bought a few potatoes from the market and returned home. He did this everyday,” Kihyun sighs small, but sees Changkyun peeking at him. “The milk from the cow was just enough to help him and his mother get by. But he did this everyday.”

Just like we do. Even when it barely feels like enough. Even when it feels meaningless.

“One year a terribly harsh winter hit the village,” Kihyun keeps going. “Great gowling winds blew and the snow lay in huge drifts, never before seen by the villagers. The following spring the grass did not grow. And, without grass, the cow had nothing to eat and soon became too weak to produce milk. ‘Mother!’ cried Jack, ‘I cannot get a single drop of milk from our dear cow this morning’. ‘Alas,’ the widow replied, ‘I feared this day would come and so it has. Jack, it is time to sell our precious cow. Take her to the market and auction her to the highest bidder’. Jack looked sad. He said, ‘But mother, without our daily milk from the cow we will soon run out of money and then what will we do?’. But the widow said, ‘We will think of something, son.’”

Changkyun sniffs and moves a little, as if to get more comfortable as he watches Kihyun tell the story.

“So, down to the village Jack went,” Kihyun says. “Before he reached the village with the cow, he came across a friendly butcher. The butcher approached him and said, ‘What a fine cow you have there. I am going to give you a once in a lifetime offer. An offer worth no less than a thousand times what you will receive from anyone else at the market.’ Said offer?” Kihyun smiles small. “Magic beans.” He shifts and looks at the way Changkyun’s black hair shifts back into place when his hand moves through it. And maybe Kihyun just imagines it, but there’s a small, ever soft smile on Changkyun’s face. “Poor Jack went back home with magic beans and his mother was so very disappointed. He’d been tricked. But he didn’t believe he had… Not until shame took him. So, after sobbing nonstop, he went to his room and threw the beans out the window in a fit of rage.”

And one fine morning, the very next morning, a gigantic beanstalk stood proudly like ten mighty oaks, and high up into the sky it went… The beanstalk that led all the way to the golden chicken.

At the very end of the day and Kihyun’s story, when Changkyun’s eyes have run out of tears, Changkyun asks softly if Kihyun can come back the next morning. And Kihyun just smiles and nods. So, the very next morning, Kihyun ignores Sena and leaves her talking to herself, walking all the way to Changkyun’s apartment and then his bed before crawling in and under the covers and throwing an arm around the boy still asleep.

It’s probably an hour later that Changkyun turns around, body tucked into a ball, to cling and press his cheek against Kihyun’s chest with a small sniffle. Kihyun buries his nose in Changkyun’s hair and takes a small breath. Changkyun has a very warm, deep scent. Very different from what Kihyun is used to but so very addicting… Kihyun wouldn’t mind waking up to this instead of flowery perfume.

“You were right,” Changkyun says, voice small against Kihyun’s chest.

“For once I wish I wasn’t,” Kihyun whispers.

“Does it get better..?”

Kihyun’s first instinct is to say ‘no’, but then he thinks about saying ‘yes’, although both answers are a fat-ass lie. “You get used to it… That doesn’t mean that it’s better but… You get used to ignoring how bad it feels… And you find… something that keeps you going, something that gets you out of bed. That’s you for me, I suppose… But it can be just about anything.”

“It’s you for me, too…”

“Charming,” Kihyun says, smiling small.

“Yeah, you’re welcome,” Changkyun huffs, with a small laugh that sounds genuine, despite sounding like it takes effort, too. “Thanks…”

“Anytime…” Kihyun mumbles. “It’s what I should’ve done from the beginning…” 

Changkyun presses a finger to Kihyun’s chest again, with a small ‘boop’ noise. “Reset…”

“I had no idea my nipples held such power--”

Changkyun giggles small, pressing his finger to the same spot, which is nowhere near where Kihyun’s nipples are. “Here? Really?”

“Yes, my third, very lonely, nipple--” Kihyun jokes, and Changkyun sniffs through a small laugh.

It doesn’t last, of course. It takes about three more days before Changkyun pulls himself out of bed and walks to his kitchen and makes them both a cup of coffee. And all they really do is move to the living room, Changkyun still settling himself close to Kihyun to be held.

“You have an AC,” Kihyun realizes then.

“Blast it.”

Kihyun smiles and glances over. “Winter mode house?”

Changkyun smiles back. It’s funny, knowing that they’ve spent days in bed crying, and there’s none of it on Changkyun’s face. He nods and reaches over for his TV remote as Kihyun puts on the AC, and plays a YouTube video that sounds like a winter storm. Kihyun gets some sweaters and sweatpants and they dress them once it’s cold enough. Kihyun even goes as far as pulling over a beanie, and they sit together under a blanket in the cold living room, watching videos on their phones, from movie reviews to random gameplays that have both of them startling and giggling. Stupid ‘Until Dawn’... It leaves them deciding to see if they can finish entire games in one day, from The Last of Us, to the far more ambitious Dragon Age and Mass Effect games, all in ‘Winter House Mode’.

What starts as a joke turns into routine for weeks on end. And, before they know it, another month has gone by.

“Let’s play DnD!” Kihyun suggests one cold afternoon, which has Changkyun raising an eyebrow.

“We’re just two people, Kihyun. Have you lost it completely? How many Changkyuns are you seeing?” Changkyun asks, knocking softly on Kihyun’s head.

“Just the one,” Kihyun scoffs. “Anyway, we can tweak it. A two-man play. Fuck the rules! It’s not like the universe is playing by our rules.”

Changkyun rolls his eyes but agrees. It’s not easy , and leads to some seriously funny misunderstandings and eventually an argument that ends up with the two of them laughing after glaring at each other for far too long. If looks could kill.

It also turns into them throwing D20 dice (that Changkyun already owned, thank god) for the stupidest shit. Up from an 11 is a success, 10 and under is a failure. Oh, you want coffee? Roll the dice, bitch . They both break into giggles when Kihyun asks Changkyun a basic question about himself (“What’s your favourite colour?”) and Changkyun asks to do a Persuasion Check. And when he fails, Changkyun vows upon the universe itself to never divulge such precious information.

Alas, wintery summer things.

Eventually, Changkyun starts coming into Kihyun’s room every morning again. Which leads to some pretty interesting situations. Fits of jealousy on Sena’s behalf (ironic, yes), confusingly explaining to the police that Changkyun isn’t robbing the place, or… Well, just this:

“And--And then she said I shouldn’t have wasted money on it and I just--” Sena pouts and both Kihyun and Changkyun nod at the exact same time. “I knew she was just filled with envy but it still sucked…”

“You’ve got to live every day like it’s the last one you’ve got,” Changkyun says, seriously. “Because remember; today only ever happens once.”

Kihyun tries not to snort a laugh and simply nods.

“Well,” Sena says, clearly not understanding the context of Changkyun’s observation. “Yes, but…”

“He means you should consider whether or not you want that person to be in your life,” Kihyun says very seriously. “Do you think that it’s worth staying pissy? Or would you rather you just stop talking altogether? Make each day count for whatever you want for your future. Don’t waste time.”

Sena blinks. “That’s… very philosophical of you…”

“It is ,” Changkyun agrees, looking over at Kihyun like he’s never been more impressed by anything in his life.

“Right…” Sena blinks again and then frowns at Changkyun. “By the way. Who’re you?”

Kihyun glances at Changkyun and Changkyun glances at him and they just burst out in giggles. 

Welp.

Changkyun unceremoniously kicks the unlocked door to Kihyun’s apartment open and calls out, guitar in hand, “Honey, I’m home!”

“In the kitchen!” Kihyun says. “D’you want coffee?”

“Fuckin’ always!” Changkyun says, closing the door behind him with another kick. “I got you a gift! Kind of ,” Changkyun adds, walking to the kitchen and taking a moment to appreciate how good Kihyun looks in a white t-shirt and boxers. I should really do something about that, soon…  

“Here you go,” Kihyun chirps, sliding a mug over to Changkyun before taking one for himself and finally turning around to look over. “Oh, you brought the guitar…”

“It’s essential to the gift,” Changkyun says with a gesture at the brand-spankin’-new guitar he always buys. Old for him, new in every other sense of the word.

“Gonna practice today again?” Kihyun asks with a smile before taking a sip from his coffee.

“In a way,” Changkyun hums, reaching for the mug to bring it closer to smell the good bean . “Finally wrote some lyrics. Apparently I’m rather good at it, if I do say so myself. Your voice would be a lot better for it but, eh, it is what it is.”

“My voice?” Kihyun asks, eyebrows raised. Changkyun can’t tell why he looks lowkey scandalized in a good way. Can someone even be scandalized in a good way?! Apparently. Kinda sexy..

“I’ve heard you sing before, you know,” Changkyun smiles.

“O--Oh,” Kihyun frowns and nods. “Right. Thanks, I guess...”

“Oh! You were being dirty !” Changkyun gasps, clearly highly amused.

“I was not,” Kihyun complains in a grumble.

“Well, if I said it, it probably is,” Changkyun hums, taking his mug and moving to the living room.

“Said what…” Kihyun mumbles, following after Changkyun at a fair distance.

“Exactly,” Changkyuns says, aware that he’s making no sense at all before plopping down on the floor, coffee down on the table after a few sips. “Glad pre-loop Kihyunnie invested in good coffee, not gonna lie.”

“I’m allowed a few royalties,” Kihyun jokes, putting the mug down and plopping down with a huff. Changkyun smiles, running his fingers over the guitar strings. 

“Yas, King,” Changkyun jokes, laughing small at the slight face Kihyun makes.

“Going to sing me a lullaby?” Kihyun scoffs, leaning back and lolling his head to the side so he can watch Changkyun. “It’s morning. If I fall asleep now, I’ll skip the entirety of today.”

Changkyun laughs and shakes his head. “Nah, no lullabies. Probably a bit too sad for that,” Changkyun says, running his hand over the strings again. Kihyun frowns and lifts his head. “I can’t sing very well, so don’t laugh if my voice cracks or I’ll break this guitar,” Changkyun jokes. 

“I love your voice…” Kihyun mumbles as if complaining.

Changkyun strums a few more times so he can get into the mindset, before playing a simple, slightly cheery if not bittersweet tune, and clearing his throat to sing. He doesn’t have to sing very loudly, so that helps, but he still feels his ears burn slightly once he starts, though he knows it’ll recede the more comfortable he gets.

“There’s a little black spot on the sun today,” he sings. “It’s the same old thing as yesterday…” He takes a deep breath and smiles small before he continues. “There’s a black cat caught in a high tree top… There’s a flag-pole rag, and the wind won’t stop,” and he changes the key into the chorus. “I have stood here before, inside the pouring rain, with the world turning circles, running ‘round my brain. I guess I’m always hoping that you’ll end this reign, but it’s my destiny to be the king of pain…” Changkyun has to take another breath as he plays, chest feeling oddly tight, but he still smiles small when he glances up at Kihyun. “There’s a fossil that’s trapped in a high cliff wall. There’s a dead salmon frozen in a waterfall. There’s a blue whale beached by a springtime’s ebb. There’s a butterfly trapped in a spider’s web.” And back to the chorus, swaying slightly as he sings, before speeding it up a little for the bridge. “There’s a king on a throne with his eyes torn out; there’s a blind man, looking for a shadow of doubt. There’s a rich man sleeping on a golden bed, and a skeleton, choking on a crust of bread,” and laughs small when his voice breaks at a note he should never have attempted, and watches as Kihyun mouths along slightly to the last chorus; “I have stood here before, inside the pouring rain, with the world turning circles, running ‘round my brain. I guess I’m always hoping that you’ll end this reign, but it’s my destiny, to be the king of pain.” 

Kihyun claps with a soft smile on his face. “That was quite beautiful!”

“ Phew ,” Changkyun goes, flopping backwards onto the floor. He peeks at Kihyun with one eye, though. “So you liked it?”

“I loved it!” Kihyun says, shifting to face Changkyun properly. “You should do that more often…”

“What, write songs?” Changkyun asks as he sits up again with a huff, running a hand through his hair. “Yeah, maybe. We could do it together, if you want. I would… really rather you sing them, to be honest.”

“I will if we sing them together,” Kihyun suggests. He seems rather determined to have Changkyun sing, anyway.

Changkyun squints small. “You actually really like my voice? You’re not just being nice?”

“I do like your voice,” Kihyun says, pouting. “Why would I lie?”

Changkyun shrugs, blushing a little. “I’m the only person you know right now?” Changkyun suggests jokingly. “No?”

Kihyun rolls his eyes and turns away, leaning forward to pick up his mug. “You have a nice voice, idiot. Deep. Unusual. But really nice.”

Changkyun tongues at the side of his mouth, chest feeling stupidly tight and warm. Huh… Changkyun puts the guitar to the side and takes a few contemplative sips of his coffee. Huh…

“Wanna come over for Winter House Mode tonight?” Changkyun asks, slurping loudly (ehe) at his coffee as he peeks at Kihyun.

Kihyun frowns over. “Sure…” he says rather suspiciously. “Movies?”

Changkyun nods. “Movies. We’ll find some obscure shit neither of us have ever watched.”

“Sounds terrifyingly pleasing,” Kihyun jokes.

Changkyun does find something stupidly obscure, mostly because it’s French and he’s never seen anything in French. But that’s not really the point. He gets dressed in his favourite soft hoodie, makes them both a cup of hot chocolate, and pulls some fluffy blankets from his closet to throw over them as the aircon manages to bring the temperature down quite a bit.

And honestly…? All Changkyun really wanted from this, was to hold Kihyun for a while. It’s something difficult to admit to, for some reason. Mostly because Kihyun hasn’t made a single move since they decided to ‘reset’, and even before that, so Changkyun really doesn’t know where he stands with Kihyun when it comes to… that. But he hopes that Kihyun’s feelings (of which Changkyun was aware, in the beginning, because how couldn’t he be) haven’t changed too much. 

They settle in on the couch as always, Changkyun warming his hands with his mug of hot chocolate, and Kihyun absently tying the strands of his hoodie in a bow at the front of his neck. Why does he do that? Who knows. But it’s cute. 

The movie isn’t all that good, but at least it’s new, and that plus the temperature gives Changkyun the excuse to worm himself closer to Kihyun, head nuzzling softly on Kihyun’s shoulder as if to ask for permission, as his heart hammers away inside his chest. He doesn’t know what anyone on the screen is saying anymore, but he really couldn’t care less.

Kihyun ends up pulling away only to throw an arm around Changkyun, pulling him closer and letting him lie his head against his chest. Changkyun doesn’t say anything about it, or the way Kihyun ends up absently playing with Changkyun’s earlobe, but everything makes his heart happily tighten inside his chest. That’s nothing new, though. Just… It’s been hard. Coming to terms with the loop and what happened inside of Kihyun’s own loops, coming to terms with his crush on Kihyun turning into a wonderful friendship. Kihyun is definitely the best friend Changkyun has ever had, but Changkyun still finds himself looking at Kihyun, thinking that he’s cute, and sometimes, that he’s stupidly attractive. He looks at Kihyun a lot, and enjoys just spending his time, silent or otherwise, in Kihyun’s presence. He just didn’t want to fuck it up. He didn’t want to rush into anything that he would regret, and hurt Kihyun even more. But this isn’t just some silly crush anymore, and Changkyun knows he would be an idiot not to admit that.

So, when the movie ends, credits rolling with a soft, piano-centric song playing over them and nothing left to distract the two of them from each other, Changkyun lifts his head to look at Kihyun, heart jumping at how close their faces are. Kihyun’s eyes shift to him and Changkyun knows that nothing in Kihyun’s expression is telling him that Kihyun expects much to happen from that. But Changkyun shifts himself just slightly closer, heart practically skipping a beat when he presses their lips together softly and feels the squish of Kihyun’s lips against his.

There’s a soft kissing sound when Changkyun leans back. And he finds himself looking at the surprise in Kihyun’s eyes despite how hopeful he suddenly seems. Kihyun’s eyes drop to Changkyun’s lips and then move back up, and Kihyun takes a small breath before leaning in, hands cupping at Changkyun’s face to pull him into a harder kiss that knocks the air right out of Changkyun’s lungs.

It’s the best fucking kiss Changkyun has ever had. And the one that’s been coming the longest. It’s a kiss with a little possessiveness but not too much, with a little assertiveness but only enough to instill a craving that Changkyun suddenly feels like he’s suppressed for far too long. And he’s fully aware of how dazed he looks when Kihyun pulls away.

“Oh,” Changkyun sort of breathes. “Shit.” 

“That bad?” Kihyun jokes, smiling small and leaning in to kiss the bridge of Changkyun’s nose.

Changkyun whines, though, hooking a finger into the bow of Kihyun’s hoodie string and pulling Kihyun closer. “Do it again.”

Kihyun hovers over Changkyun for a moment, eyes shifting all over his face, and then leans in, thumbing at Changkyun’s lower lip to make his lips part, and kissing him, tonguing into his mouth. Changkyun doesn’t exactly mean to whine softly, but he can’t help it. Here he thought Kihyun was just a little attractive, and then this happens! Unbelievable. And who the fuck was I trying to kid with that ‘a little’ shit, anyway? 

Changkyun shifts them around while they kiss and moves himself properly on top of Kihyun, legs on either side of Kihyun’s hips as he grips at his hoodie and lets Kihyun deepen the kiss to his heart’s desire. Changkyun’s head is spinning, and he kind of hates himself for waiting this long to do this.

When the kissing stops, Kihyun nibbles on Changkyun’s lower lip and then trails small kisses up his jaw and down his neck. He says, “Touch me…?” and guides one of Changkyun’s hands under the hoodie.

And there really is no way to say no to something asked like that. With just enough desperation to make Changkyun’s heart twist. So of course Changkyun scratches his hand softly up Kihyun’s stomach-- soft… --and leans down to kiss at Kihyun’s jaw, slowly, with small licks down his neck when he trails his hand down and undoes the knot of Kihyun’s sweatpants.

Kihyun gives up on staying half seated and lets himself fall back with a huff, but he quickly grabs Changkyun by the collar of his hoodie and pulls him down to kiss him. Changkyun smiles just slightly, amazed at how comfortable and yet thrilling all of this feels. And after just enough intensity, Kihyun wraps his legs around Changkyun, gives him a look and frowns.

“No sleeping tonight.”

Changkyun’s eyebrow twitches in what he has to admit is arousal, moving his hand down and under Kihyun’s sweatpants to cup at him through his underwear. “Okay,” Changkyun says, smiling when one of Kihyun’s legs slips and Kihyun’s eyes clearly either unfocus or focus on Changkyun.

They kiss and touch each other with Changkyun on top, then shifting around, falling off the couch and kissing and touching with Kihyun on top. Changkyun ends up turning the AC off after escaping Kihyun’s grip on him, and then has to chase a mid-stripping-Kihyun that’s backtracking into the bedroom.

Changkyun sort of tackles Kihyun just in time to make them both fall onto the bed and bounce twice. And then they kiss again and touch each other some more. Until winter has stayed behind in the living room and the bedroom is hot just like today’s summer, and they’re both sweaty and slippery against each other.

The sky is light but soft by the time sleep and tiredness catches up. They’re both butt-naked in bed, lying on their stomachs and staring at each other’s faces, Kihyun’s fingers slow and soft on the back of Changkyun’s head.

“We made it ‘til Sunday…” Kihyun says, smiling small.

“Think it might stay Sunday this time?” Changkyun jokes, eyes tired and threatening to fall shut. But he just wants to keep looking at Kihyun. He’s so beautiful, now, somehow, more than ever.

“That’d be nice… But it’s okay if it doesn’t happen…”

“I could do with another day like today,” Changkyun smiles, finding Kihyun’s hand to hold it loosely.

Kihyun blinks lazily. “I’ll come by in the morning. It’ll be like I never left…”

“That’d be nice,” Changkyun says, eyes closing with a smile when he realises, heh, Kihyun just said that...

“Sleep well, baby,” he still hears, somewhat distant but also right there. “I love you.”

Changkyun opens his eyes and knows that he’s not as naked as when he fell asleep. He has to turn off his alarm that’s been buzzing softly for at least three seconds. There’s a sleepy-looking Kihyun right next to him, eyes closed and cheek squished against the pillow, nose but an inch away from Changkyun’s. Changkyun smiles, head still mushy with sleep as he shifts a little closer, forehead nuzzling against Kihyun’s. He knows he’s lucky, in this regard, in this situation, considering he can wake up with Kihyun, but Kihyun can’t wake up with him.

“Good morning…” Kihyun mumbles, eyes still closed.

“Yeah, it is,” Changkyun says, nuzzling his nose into Kihyun’s cheek before kissing there.

Kihyun opens his eyes and looks at him. “What do you wanna do today?”

“This,” Changkyun says softly, shifting down so he can move and pull Kihyun closer to hold him. He smells nice, and Changkyun doesn’t really care that it’s warm. In the back of his mind, he remembers the words ‘I love you’, and blushes as he presses his face into the crook of Kihyun’s shoulder.

“Sounds perfect, not gonna lie,” Kihyun laughs, voice deep and scratchy. Changkyun pouts. It really does sound perfect, doesn’t it? And he isn’t really sure what brings on what he says next, besides the fact that he wants Kihyun to hear it.

“You’re my best friend…”

“I have been friendzoned,” Kihyun cackles, rolling away.

“No!” Changkyun defends, quickly pulling Kihyun back and closer. “No, dumbass, I just meant--” Changkyun pouts, exaggerated, trying his best to look like a puppy. “You’re the closest I’ve ever felt with anyone, ever.”

Kihyun squints playfully but then kisses Changkyun’s pout, lingering just enough to make Changkyun melt a little, before rolling on top of him. “Mhm, tell me more…” Kihyun says, kissing Changkyun’s cheek.

Changkyun giggles. “You’re the most attractive person I’ve ever seen naked.”

Kihyun lifts his head, looks at Changkyun and then leans back and pulls his shirt off in one swift move before coming back down to kiss Changkyun’s cheek in a smooch that turns into a big nomnomnomnom. Changkyun knows he’s blushing red, doing a truly terrible job of ‘fighting back’ to get Kihyun off of him. 

“Keep going,” Kihyun says.

“Why, so you can eat me?” Changkyun giggles.

“Thought you liked that,” Kihyun teases, and this time, Changkyun does smack him for making him blush so much. Aish! 

“Very ballsy for a man recently bisexualised,” Changkyun jokes.

“You say like you did it with a magical wand of sorts,” Kihyun scoffs, leaning back and looking all over Changkyun’s face. Changkyun wiggles his eyebrows as if that helps. “Back to breakfast,” Kihyun jokes, leaning back down and nibbling on Changkyun’s neck.

Changkyun giggles and squirms, bringing his legs up to wrap around Kihyun’s waist. “You’re silly and I love it.”

“Hm…” Kihyun goes, stopping to kiss Changkyun’s cheek again and then just melting down on top of him. “Maybe one day you’ll get to love me, too? Who knows. That or you’ll just grow to hate me.”

“Nah, I could never hate a man who sucks dick like that ,” Changkyun laughs.

Kihyun giggles and sways a little on top of Changkyun. “Had a great teacher.”

Changkyun rolls his eyes and squeezes Kihyun closer until he makes a high pitched squeak like a hamster. Changkyun giggles and kisses Kihyun’s cheek. “Yep. Best morning ever.”

Kihyun trails his lips down the skin of Changkyun’s neck, feeling every bump that rises with the shiver that takes him. The air in the small available space between them is excruciatingly hot, but Kihyun is unwilling to pull away. And, honestly, it’s as much about giving as it is about taking. Because when Kihyun squeezes possessively at Changkyun’s thigh and feels him whine into a kiss, he’s taking. But when he moves his hand on him while moving slowly into him, he’s giving. And throughout all of it, Changkyun clings to Kihyun like he’s scared he’ll disappear, makes little sounds close to Kihyun’s ear that tell him just how much isn’t enough and how much is more than enough.

And, eventually, when Changkyun scratches a little too much down Kihyun’s shoulder blades, Kihyun slowly takes his hands, one by one, and moves them away, pins them to the bed and laces their fingers together. Changkyun whines and mumbles a bunch of obscene little things against Kihyun’s lips that have Kihyun grinning a little because, yes, yes, I love you, too. But in the end, Kihyun knows Changkyun wouldn’t have wanted it any other way. Not for their first time together. Which… is Kihyun’s first time, too. It always is.

Changkyun whines again and moves against him like a plea for more, eyes dazed, dark, and entirely vulnerable on Kihyun’s. It’s a look of pure pleasure and want. And Kihyun is both giving and taking so he stops moving when he knows he’s close and pulls out, knowing Changkyun will whine (he does) in protest.

“Shhh,” Kihyun goes, slowly turning Changkyun around and kissing down his back, lips trailing the spine he can sort of feel dipping between tense muscles. Changkyun whines around the sound of Kihyun’s name, gripping at the sheets with one hand as his hips twitch. So, Kihyun gives Changkyun’s lower back a lick and then reaches for the bottle of lube.

Just because Changkyun isn’t facing him now doesn’t mean Kihyun doesn’t make it close and personal. He practically pastes himself onto Changkyun's back, moving just a little faster than before while nibbling on bits of skin he catches between his lips. And when Changkyun starts making those little moans of his again, the ones he’s never really aware of, Kihyun manages to reach between Changkyun’s legs to grab him again.

If Kihyun thought he knew everything there was to know about sex, he was nothing but an idiot. He knows that now. Because there’s nothing quite like actually being so comfortable with someone else, nothing quite like knowing someone else’s body this well. There’s nothing quite like having someone match him like this, be the way he wants them to be and want whatever Kihyun is in return. There’s nothing quite like the freedom that comes with being accepted, kinks and all, without pretense, shame, fear or prejudice. And, really, if Kihyun can’t have this ever again, he’d rather not have it at all.

“Kihyun,” Changkyun gasps breathlessly, and Kihyun can feel him starting to leak over his hand. Kihyun has never seen Changkyun quite this gone before, quite this, well, wrecked is the word. But undone fits, too, if not better. There’s some pride to have from it all. But really, everyone needs it once in a while. At least Kihyun knows he, himself, does. Coming undone for all the right reasons in all the right ways can be quite therapeutic, especially when stuck in an endless loop.

Then again, there’s a lot to be said about giving, because it’s mostly just mindless endurance at this point. So, when Changkyun comes, so does Kihyun, and his dick thanks him for it.

Kihyun’s arms shake when he lifts himself up and tries to move away, so he sort of plops to the side with a huff. He’s been doing this sort of plank for the past thirty minutes for the sake of good sex and he’s sure he’ll have abs in his biceps by tomorrow. But… worth it, especially when he glances over and sees the way Changkyun is looking at him, hair sort of sticking to his forehead, lips puffy and eyes soft and shiny.

“What…?” Kihyun huffs, absently pulling at the condom and blindly tying the thing in a small knot. This bit is always so gross, but a guy makes do.

“I--” Changkyun tries, frowning as his voice comes out scratchy. “I think I’m in love with you…”

Kihyun knows his heart practically leaps for a moment there, but he frowns in amusement and stares at the ceiling. “You think? Do I need to do that again for you to be sure?”

“Can’t think about anything right now, but I’m pretty sure,” Changkyun huffs small, melted on the bed. 

Kihyun sits up and takes a breath before standing up. His entire body protests (even Changkyun protests in a soft whine) but he mentally chastises himself. He’s not getting any older, he’s not allowed to act like an old man. “Cold coffee with a slice of lemon and some sugar?” he asks, peeking into the bathroom only to throw the tied condom into the small basket.

“And a damp towel,” Changkyun mumbles, eyes closed and face squished against the bed.

“I’ll change the sheets while you clean yourself,” Kihyun says, fetching a small towel and wetting it before throwing it and scoring right on top of Changkyun’s back with a wet smeck. Changkyun wiggles in childlike annoyance and his butt wiggles. “Oh, look at the jelly,” Kihyun scoffs, picking up his boxers and dressing them before walking out of the bedroom. Mazagran, mazagran...

“He breaks me and then he mocks me,” Changkyun grumbles. Is he sulking right now?

Kihyun prepares the mazagran and brings two tall glasses with the coffee back to the bedroom. While Changkyun cleans himself, Kihyun quickly changes the sheets (he’ll put them in the washer tonight), and then the both of them sit outside, in the balcony, in nothing but boxers, catching some leftover afternoon sun and drinking cold coffee. 

“So… seven months, give or take. Thoughts?” Kihyun asks, taking a sip. Hm, nice. The one good thing Sena taught him was how to make mazagran.

Changkyun slides down a little where he’s sitting, cup up to his lips and eyes on the view. “Well. Definitely my favourite thing we’ve done so far.”

Kihyun huffs a laugh. “Does that mean we’ll be doing more of it?” he asks, glancing over, Changkyun smiling back.

“Obviously,” he laughs softly. “Did my confession not enter that thick skull of yours?”

Kihyun shrugs. “You were fuck drunk. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt when they’re fuck drunk.”

“Ah, so you’ve fucked people into love with you before?”

“You think Sena fell for me because I’m charming as fuck? Well, yes, I am but… A shame--I mean, not a shame but, whatever--That it wasn’t enough to keep her around. But fuck drunk isn’t the same as… actually being in love with someone so I’m not surprised...”

Changkyun leans to the side, close enough to kiss Kihyun's cheek with a soft brush of lips. “I don’t think I’ve ever been in love before,” Changkyun says softly as he leans back, eyes on Kihyun. “Because it’s never felt like this…” Changkyun pouts.

Kihyun blinks at him, slowly, and then looks down. “Do you think it’s because you’re stuck here with me or…?” He peeks up. “You can say it is, I wouldn’t judge. I mean… I looked at you twice because I was stuck in here. And for that I’m glad I got stuck in the first place…”

Changkyun pouts some more, bumping his forehead to Kihyun’s shoulder. “Don’t be stupid, it’s starting to sound very romantic.”

“Aw, but isn’t that what you like?” Kihyun asks, grinning. “Soulmates, stuck in a loop until they fall the fuck in love with each other…”

Changkyun huffs a laugh, rolling his eyes as he leans back. “Well, if I’m going to get stuck in a loop, that’s a damn good reason for it…”

Kihyun laughs and shakes his head. He takes a good drink of coffee and then sighs, eyes on the burning sunset. He’s never really believed in ‘everything happens for a reason’ the way most people do. There’s always a very specific reason as to why people and things end up in certain places at certain times, but there’s nothing deep about it. Nothing is part of some predestined scheme. Then again, that doesn’t mean that Kihyun won’t take advantage of being put under some straining circumstances. And if it took all this to get to know Changkyun, then maybe getting stuck in here wasn’t so bad after all.

“Are you…?” Changkyun asks, then, voice soft and eyes on Kihyun’s face, cheeks pink. “In love with me, I mean…”

Kihyun glances over and then looks away. “If I wasn’t, I wouldn’t have made love to you…” He puts the glass down and turns to Changkyun to face him, smiling small at him. “But if that wasn’t obvious then… Yes, I am in love with you. Have been for a while…”

Changkyun pouts in a smile, and although he’s not beaming, the happiness in his eyes is unmissable. “That makes me… really happy,” Changkyun laughs small, eyes flicking down and face pink.

Kihyun puffs a small breath and reaches up to pinch Changkyun’s chin between his thumb and index finger, and then leans in to kiss his lips. It’s just a soft little kiss, but it makes Kihyun’s heart swim so much. “Let’s go enjoy it, then…? Everyone will forget if we kiss in the middle of a busy street, if we hold hands… No one will give a shit come morning.”

Changkyun giggles, ears red and eyes soft on him. “Awww, he’s into PDA… That’s cute.”

“Obviously, everyone needs to know you’re mine…” Kihyun says, tilting his head to peek into Changkyun’s eyes. “Are you…? Figuratively speaking mine…?”

“Figuratively, literally, proverbially,” Changkyun giggles, leaning in to nuzzle their noses together. “Totally and completely yours.”

Kihyun laughs softly and kisses Changkyun’s nose. “I love you, silly…” Ah… it feels so liberating to be able to say it… But most of all, it feels so heart-warming to be looked at the way Changkyun is looking at him...

Changkyun melts a little into him, like Kihyun is a soft plushie instead of a grown man. “Really, really happy…”

“Let’s be lazy tomorrow?” Kihyun suggests, bundling Changkyun in his arms. My bundle of joy...

“Winter mode for cuddles,” Changkyun mumbles.

“Sounds like fun!”

It isn’t long before Changkyun knows, more than anything, that he is in love with Yoo Kihyun. And he wastes no time telling Kihyun, either, turning around after pausing their game to kiss Kihyun’s face and say “I love you” so many times it probably ends up annoying Kihyun. Probably not, though, considering how Kihyun giggles and how happy he looks, how long they just end up kissing in a cold room under fluffy blankets.

They fill their time with those kisses, with touches and soft words. They write songs together, and Kihyun sings like an angel; they see how far they can travel before they fall asleep, and eat in every restaurant in Seoul; they spoil and surprise each other as much as possible, and they laugh together. About the stupidest shit. About Changkyun shaving his head in the guise of going for a shit, and laughing even more when Kihyun admits that he quite likes it. Why?!  

They cry together, too. When it hurts, it hurts a lot, but they’re not alone in their pain, so it’s easier to get back on their feet again. Kihyun is better at it than Changkyun, but he’s also had more time to accept that maybe this is how it will always be, while Changkyun very stubbornly still holds onto the idea that one day they’ll figure out a way out of it. Changkyun even starts doing research on ‘sciencey things’ way above his head, to see if he can figure it out, but he never even gets close. And it is love, it absolutely has to be, because it’s the only thing that keeps Changkyun off of that edge when things seem too difficult to deal with, when he wants to do stupid shit and he doesn’t because it matters . Pain matters, and they matter, they remember seeing the other suffer beyond reason and they suffer with each other by default.

And just like that, as he lays on his side with his eyes on the most beautiful man in the world, Changkyun realises that it’s been a year since all this began. Ish . A year ish. It has to be… There’s no way to really keep track, but Changkyun is relatively sure, but not entirely, so he asks;

“It’s been a year of this now, hasn’t it..?” 

Kihyun puffs a breath and puts down the book he’s been reading, staring at the ceiling and lifting his glasses up to his forehead. “Hm… Maybe…? I’ll be honest, I… lost track of it completely ever since you joined in…”

Changkyun pouts, reaching out for Kihyun’s hand-- soft, tiny hands --to wiggle at a finger. One year since Changkyun joined, sure, but before that…? Three years of Kihyun being alone with it all. Alone with a Changkyun that reset just like everything else. “Yeah,” Changkyun huffs, eyes on Kihyun’s hands. “They’re always going to look like this,” Changkyun mumbles. “Your hands, I mean. They’ll always be soft and smooth, and it makes me so weirdly sad that I won’t be able to see them wither with age…”

Kihyun laughs and takes his glasses off completely to turn around and look at Changkyun in amusement. “You wanna see me age, huh?”

“I just wanna be there while you do,” Changkyun pouts, thumbing softly over the back of Kihyun’s hand. “I never understood the sentiment before but I really do get it now…”

Kihyun’s expression seems to change into something more contemplative, more serious. “You… You wanna grow old with me…?” he asks, actually asks.

Changkyun looks between Kihyun’s eyes as he nods softly. “Yeah. I wanna… wake up with you every morning, and I know I sort of already do, but… I want that assurance that I’ll have you there when I fall asleep, when I sleep and when I wake up… For the rest of my life,” Changkyun pouts. “Is that weird?

“Well, given that I wake up before you do, I’d very much like to wake up to you and not floral perfume…” Kihyun mumbles, frowning softly and then suddenly sitting up and putting his book and glasses aside. “Wait here,” he says, getting up and leaving the bedroom. They’re in Changkyun’s apartment so Changkyun is a little lost when he then hears the front door open. Where is he going?! Mumbai?!

Kihyun comes back almost ten minutes later, looking rather serious but also a little unsure. He just sort of stands by the door into the bedroom, eyes down, fist clenched around something that Changkyun can’t make out in the low light.

“For a second I thought you were off to go shave your head, too,” Changkyun scoffs small as he sits up.

Kihyun glances up and then smiles small, shaking his head and looking back down. He walks closer and sits down at the edge of the bed, by Changkyun’s side, taking a pause before turning to him. He looks so, so, so unsure it’s almost like Changkyun is looking at freshly reset morning Kihyun.

“What is it, baby?” Changkyun asks softly, scooching a little closer.

“Just thinking if I’m being stupid or getting ahead of myself…” Kihyun mumbles.

“Let me know and I’ll tell you if you are..?” Changkyun tries with a smile.

Kihyun glances up and Changkyun sees some fear in his eyes but he also sees something pink on his ears. “Will you… Marry me?” Kihyun asks, unclenching his fist and revealing a very simple looking silver ring with three little gemstones on it. Changkyun stares, heart jumping and hand coming up to his mouth without him even realising. 

“I…” Changkyun says, pouting and feeling his shoulders melt. “Very stupid, but definitely not ahead of yourself,” Changkyun smiles, eyes burning. Did Kihyun really just ask that…? “Of course I will…”

Kihyun blinks, sort of taken off guard but then leans in to kiss Changkyun’s lips before taking his hand and fitting the ring onto his finger. It makes Changkyun giggle, mildly overwhelmed and chest filled with warmth. 

“Are you seriously telling me Sena and I have the same ring size, aish …”

“She has really chubby fingers…” Kihyun mumbles. “You have no idea how much she’d complain every time she ordered a ring online and it was too small for her.”

Changkyun laughs and throws his arms over Kihyun’s shoulders in a pounce. “Shhhh! Tell me about how you love me and my beautiful, slender man fingers instead!”

“We--Well,” Kihyun tries, frowning to focus, “I love you very much, and your beautiful, slender man fingers do magic inside me…?”

“Aw, and they say romance is dead,” Changkyun pouts, leaning back to squish the pout to Kihyun’s mouth over and over again.

“Ugh,” Kihyun groans, falling back over the bed and pulling Changkyun down with him. “If you keep doing that I’ll have to eat your pout.”

“Nom,” Changkyun says, biting Kihyun’s bottom lip in between his instead. Ehe .

Kihyun’s eyebrow twitches. “You’ve awakened the lady, what now.”

“You call your penis ‘the lady’?” Changkyun laughs, leaning back to look at his boyfriend in amusement.

“Yes, what about it?”

“I love it, for some fucking reason,” Changkyun laughs. “And I love you. So much. You and your tiny, soft, magical, young fingers --” Changkyun coos.

“Young…” Kihyun scoffs. “What. You want old, wrinkly, thin skinned fingers? You’d tighten around them and I’d bleed to death!”

“You really take the joy out of spending a lifetime together, do you know that?”

“Pretty sure we won’t be doing butt play by the time we’re that old.”

“ Again, Kihyun--” Changkyun laughs, pressing a kiss to Kihyun’s lips. “We’ll either grow old together, or completely lose our minds together.”

Kihyun wraps his arms around Changkyun’s waist and smiles small at him, eyes soft. “Sounds romantic enough… Who knows… Maybe in a thousand years of today, we’ll have found a thousand different ways to kill each other. Sounds fun. We can have steamy make up sex. Always wanted to try that.”

Changkyun giggles. “Remind me to start a meaningless argument with you one day.”

“Kihyun, you cut the potatoes wrong again!” Kihyun whines. “How dare you disrespect me like this? I’ve told you many times that they’re supposed to--”

“Okay, but if you put sugar instead of salt into a dish one more fucking time I really might snap--”

“I am only human and so very blind,” Kihyun laughs. “Okay, not that blind but…”

“And I love you very much,” Changkyun says with a roll of his eyes. 

“Good to know. I’ll cut them potatoes in a square shape again just to test that love.”

“You cube those potatoes and then one day ,” Changkyun says, leaning in for another soft kiss. “One day, we’ll get married, and we’ll start our lives together and end them together, too…”

Kihyun reaches up to comb some of Changkyun’s hair back. “When you say it like that, I almost believe you…”

“Try to,” Changkyun pouts. “Just for a minute. Because if one day is still today, I’ll still love you like every day is tomorrow. And yes, that makes sense to me.”

Kihyun rolls his eyes and then rolls the two of them around so he’s on top. “Of course it does, baby. Of course it does.”

Kihyun knows that he’s accepted the way his life is a long time ago. And he knows he’s found peace in the person he sort of blames himself for dragging into this mess. Whether or not it’s all his fault is yet to be known, so he doesn’t dwell too much on it, he will only make it food for thought when sadness consumes Changkyun yet again. In a way, Kihyun knows that there’s no point in trying. Today is yesterday and will always be tomorrow. But…

But Changkyun truly knows how to plant seeds of hope inside Kihyun’s chest, even though Kihyun always manages to kill them before they bloom. So, while Kihyun stares at the way Changkyun’s eyelids fall heavier with each blink, he wonders what it would be like if they could actually grow old together, give meaning to their lives beyond what they are to each other, beyond the pain they feel.

Kihyun thinks he’d save some money. He thinks he’d be able to move out. Who knows, maybe once Changkyun ended his course they’d be able to go abroad together, somewhere where people like them have a little more freedom to be themselves, because the two of them deserve a break from hardships, that’s for sure. Kihyun thinks about getting a house together, making new friends together. He thinks about finally having the opportunity to end his relationship with Sena, and he knows he’d do it well this time, he’s had practice, after all. But most of all, he tries to imagine what he and Changkyun would look like ten years from now if tomorrow was tomorrow and not today… And that’s how he falls asleep; thinking about a small little apartment by some big city, walls painted white and decorated by the both of them, a balcony full of little plants and ivys that extends all the way to the bathroom. He falls asleep thinking about celebrating ten, twenty years together and, who knows, maybe actually adopting a kid.

It’s a nice way to fall asleep, thinking about the future. And for once it’s not the future that will never come, it’s the future Kihyun wishes to be. He hasn’t done that in so long… but can’t blame himself for that. He’s lived today for far too long.

He vaguely remembers turning around in bed because he always sleeps on his left side, and he’s too distracted with tiredness to pull Changkyun close. He knows he should, in a way, as if to say ‘goodbye’ instead of goodnight and ‘I’ll be back tomorrow’. But sleep is always, always stronger. And it has a pull far too powerful once it threatens to take over the mind.

For the first time, though, Kihyun dreams of a future-present-past. He hasn’t had dreams in forever. It’s nice and a little overwhelming, too. But it’s alright, today will return in a second and that, in itself, is as much a reassurance as any.

Kihyun peels one eye open and stares at the beams of light that pass through the blinds. It only takes him a minute. He takes a deep breath and stretches his legs, feeling for the cold patches his body left untouched for the past few hours. I’m sweaty, he realizes. Of course he’s sweaty. He’s always sweaty in the mornings, it’s summer! And how tired of summer Kihyun is by now. He’s tired of fighting mosquitos, he’s tired of sweating for no reason, he’s tired of cold drinks and cicadas, he’s tired of fireflies, he’s tired of beaches and certain bitches, and he’s very tired of not knowing what to dress because it’s summer! He’s tired of relying on Changkyun’s AC for a taste of winter. He’s tired of Sena’s flowery perfume and how chirpy her voice sounds every morning, which-- Huh?

“How do I look…?” Kihyun mumbles to himself, knowing it’s about time someone asked that. He blinks at the beams of light and lets himself wake up a little more before sitting up. And again, huh?

This isn’t Kihyun’s room. That over there is Changkyun’s mirror. And… And when Kihyun slowly turns his head and looks at the bundle next to him, he doesn’t see Sena, his cheating girlfriend, he sees Changkyun, his… what, future husband?! Kihyun really has to fight the panic that takes over him. He looks away and… And his heart races, his thoughts fly. But surprisingly, the one thought that actually manages to bring tears to his eyes is… Did you come with me… or are you still there? Because… because he will never know, will he? If… If this is really real, Kihyun will never know if there’s another Changkyun, his Changkyun stuck in a loop somewhere without him.

Kihyun takes a deep shaky breath and reaches for his phone. He hugs his knees and takes another deep breath before hitting the home button. He has to close his eyes and lower his head into his legs. It reads ‘Sunday’. It reads ‘Sunday’, and Kihyun is sobbing like a baby. He hasn’t cried this much in ages. If there’s a good time to finally go crazy, Sunday seems like as good a day as any.

Changkyun shifts in bed, waking up with a small, confused, “Kihyunnie..?” And sits up, wiping at his eyes and reaching over. “Hey, it’s okay…”

“Please tell me I--I didn’t leave you there alone…”

“What..?” Changkyun asks, clearly confused. “Is this you freaking out post-proposal or something..?” Kihyun blindly shoves his phone into Changkyun’s chest. Changkyun startles small but takes it, squinting at the light of the screen before it registers. Kihyun can see when it clicks, as Changkyun’s eyes fill with tears and he tosses the phone to the side over the bed to collect Kihyun in his arms in a sob. “It’s me, baby, we made it, we did it...”

“You sure…?” Kihyun asks, sniffling. His entire face is wet, Changkyun leaning back to hold it and press their foreheads together in the tiniest of nods. And for once, Kihyun does his best to believe him.

Finally.