We Can Be Braver

Jeno knows Na Jaemin, of course he does.

Well, he knows of him anyway. There’s not a single person in this godforsaken high school who doesn’t and they are in the same year, so there’s no way around it. Jaemin is everywhere, up in everyone’s business. He hangs out with all the other cool kids and even the teachers greet him in the hallways.

So yes, Jeno knows of him, too, he doesn’t live under a rock, and they've talked, once or twice. But he doesn’t know him and that's fine because they frequent different crowds. Jeno keeps to himself.

Jaemin doesn’t. Jaemin keeps to everyone but to himself.

Everyone knows that, too.

To say Jeno is unpopular would be a lie because Jeno gets some attention for his looks alone. Jeno thinks it’s kind of stupid to like a person solely for being handsome but this is high school and stupidity seems to be the only thing they all have in common.

So yeah, Jeno’s kind of popular, also because he’s good at sports, but so are many other people. It’s nothing special. People get attention for lots of different things, like Renjun who’s good at drawing or Jisung who’s good at dancing.

Or Na Jaemin, who’s good at being social and making friends with absolutely everyone. He throws parties, Jeno’s heard, that can rival Jaehyun’s, but he never gets in trouble. He can talk himself out of anything, people say. And he stays on top of his classes like it’s easy for him. Maybe it is. Maybe he has a horde of girls behind him who do his homework for him, except lots of people also say he’s a sweetheart deep down.

Jeno knows things about Na Jaemin. It’s impossible not to, especially when you’re friends with Renjun who thrives off gossip. But like he thought before, this is high school and next to stupidity, rumours are the things that spread the fastest and Jeno’s never cared much about what other people have to say.

Jeno didn’t think he’d ever have anything to do with Na Jaemin but here he is, in front of Jaemin’s house, waiting to be let in. Donghyuck is already in there somewhere and Renjun and Jisung are on the way, but it’s still terribly awkward to show up alone.

It’s a nice house from the outside: clean, pretty, modern. Music is bleeding out of the tall windows and somewhere people are laughing. It’s a known fact that Jaemin’s family is well off, so being confronted by the freestanding two storey building with a tidy front yard doesn’t come as a surprise. Jeno’s own family isn’t poor, either, but there’s a different vibe to this home. Everything fits into Jaemin’s school image and Jeno’s left to wonder if maybe there’s more truth in rumours than he initially assumed.

Jeno rings the doorbell. Really, he’s not sure why he gave in to Donghyuck; he doesn’t go to parties all that often, least of all to Jaemin’s. It’s not his preferred environment. He usually spends his Saturday nights kicking Jisung’s ass at various computer games in the comfortable confines of his own room.

But now he’s here. ‘We haven’t done in this in like a million years,’ Donghyuck had whined yesterday. ‘And whose fault is that?’ Jeno had wanted to give back but Donghyuck was right, so he’d given Renjun a pleading look and agreed. Now Jeno wishes he’d at least waited for his other friends because showing up at a party of someone you don’t really know seems weird.

The door swings open and there he is: Na Jaemin, winner of the title 'best smile' in three consecutive years in the school newspaper, lowkey trouble maker, highkey extrovert. He’s wearing a shiny button down that most people their age wouldn’t get away with but somehow he radiates confidence.

'Look what the cat dragged in,' he says with a grin, opening the door wider to make space for Jeno. 'I didn’t expect you to come if I’m honest, Lee Jeno.'

Jeno’s not surprised that Jaemin knows his name. They share some classes and this is Jaemin after all. He probably knows everyone, even the freshmen who are too shy to talk to anyone. 'I was persuaded.'

Jeno steps into the entrance hall. It’s as fancy as expected; there are decorative flowers on a grey chest, a silver coat-hanger by the side. He neatly places his sneakers next to the wild collection of shoes that’s already there.

'You'll enjoy it, just you wait,’ Jaemin says. He puts an arm around Jeno’s shoulders like they are not practically strangers, sauntering through the hall and side-stepping a few people that are on their way outside. The music and the sound of people having fun are much louder now, so Jaemin has to raise his voice a little despite his proximity.

'Drinks are in the kitchen, please don’t get so smashed that you'll throw up. Snacks are on the living room table and in that corner over there. Just help yourself, get your friends, have some fun. Find me if you have special requests.'

Jaemin waits until Jeno nods, then lets go of him. He grins one more time, then a bunch of guys drag him away and Jeno is left to his own devices again.

There are a lot of people present. Jaemin’s lucky his house is so big, Jeno thinks, weaving his way through a group he recognises from his grade. Jeno actually recognises most people here but he doesn’t really know any of them apart from Donghyuck, but he’s busy with Mark and Jeno doesn’t feel like third-wheeling. On the way to the kitchen Jeno runs into Jaemin again, who’s holding a red solo cup and seems significantly tipsier than half an hour before. He looks Jeno up and down instead of making way. ‘How come you don’t have a drink yet?’

‘I’m on my way to get one,’ Jeno says, pointing past Jaemin at the kitchen entrance.

Jaemin just shakes his head, handing Jeno the cup. ‘Take this.’

‘What is it?’

‘No idea, but it smells good. I promise it won’t poison you.’

Jeno takes it, partially because he doesn’t want Jaemin to think he’s some sort of stuck-up coward (not that he really cares what Jaemin thinks about him) and Jaemin grins. Up close it’s a brilliant thing and Jeno kind of gets why he always wins that title.

He smiles back and Jaemin steps out of the way, patting Jeno’s shoulder. Jeno’s about to say thanks when he spots Renjun lurking around the kitchen.

‘Oh, hey,’ Renjun calls, waving Jeno over.

‘God, finally,’ Jeno says, reaching the kitchen island that’s overflowing with bottles of different contents and beer cans. Some girls that Jeno thinks might be cheerleaders are mingling on the other side, chatting animatedly while one of them is mixing drinks. ‘Why are you so late?’

‘We’ve been here for like, twenty minutes,’ Renjun gives back. ‘It’s hell to find anyone in this stupid house and now I’ve lost Jisung.’

‘Wanna go look for him?’

‘Sure.’ Renjun points at Jeno’s cup. ‘Are you honestly planning on drinking that? I saw Na Jaemin give that to you.’

‘He was planning on drinking it himself, so I guess it’s safe.’

Renjun shakes his head and twists the cup out of Jeno’s hands, setting it down on the counter with insistence. ‘You really know nothing about parties.’

Jeno thinks that’s rich coming from Renjun, half art nerd and half hermit, but he doesn’t say anything.

Once you get used to them, parties aren’t so bad. It’s all about the people you’re with, Jeno thinks, looking at Renjun who's judging everyone who walks by and Jisung who’s lowkey dancing to the music from upstairs. They had found Jisung in the corner of the living room, looking bored and generally like he wanted to be anywhere but here.

'If you want to dance go ahead,' Jeno says, nodding towards the staircase.

Jisung raises a brow. 'By myself? You’re crazy.'

'We could all go.' Jeno doesn’t really feel like dancing, even though he knows he wouldn’t embarrass himself. He just wants to know if it’s true what they say about Na Jaemin and music.

'Oh hell no,' Renjun says with conviction.

'Let’s just see what’s going on,' Jeno says, already on the way to the stairs.

Jeno doesn’t know what he expected, but he figures it wasn’t a dance battle circle. High school parties are usually just some guys jumping up and down next to a bunch of girls that are stepping from side to side while throwing their hair around, Jeno knows from limited experience. It normally doesn’t have much to do with real dancing, or real partying for that matter.

This is different, but maybe only because this is Na Jaemin and Na Jaemin doesn’t seem to be the average high school student.

He’s not the average dancer, either.

'Damn, he's good,' Jisung scream-whispers into Jeno’s ear, like Jeno doesn’t have his own two eyes.

The music is so loud Jeno can feel it in every bone of his body and the air is stuffy from so many people squeezed into one room. The neighbours can’t possibly be okay with this or perhaps they are used to it. Jeno absently wonders how Jaemin’s parents allow this with a clear conscience, especially when Jaemin can’t be older than seventeen, but he only spares this a stray thought because right now Jaemin is demanding everyone’s attention.

Jaemin dances like other people breathe: without a second thought. Like the movements come to him because they are natural. He spins and pops and locks and it’s so satisfying just to watch, to see someone deliver what other people have butchered so often before. The crowd is alive with it and for the first time Jeno understands why people like Jaemin’s parties so much. It makes him want to dance, too.

The song ends and bleeds into another but Jaemin twirls once more with a blinding smile before he steps aside, out of breath. People cheer and immediately start dancing wildly, inspired by the presentation, and Jeno gets pushed back, losing sight of Jaemin in the crowd.

'Not gonna lie, that was cool,' Renjun says and Jeno can only nod.

Jeno is not the biggest fan of getting shit-faced at parties that aren’t his friends’. He doesn’t condone underage drinking and he sees the appeal of forgetting himself every once in a while since it’s fun, but this is a house full of strangers and he’d rather not end up doing something stupid.

(Renjun still regularly teases him with the short video of him hugging the fridge, openly crying, from last year when he got drunk for the first time.)

He stays for a long time, though, because despite everything it’s kind of really cool. Donghyuck joins them for a while, easily entertaining them with snarky comments and obviously exaggerated stories before he runs off to find Mark. Renjun keeps making fun of other people, saying things like ‘hey, this is the girl who tried to sell weed in the bathrooms last month’, and while Jeno knows most of that is bullshit, it’s still hilarious.

At some point a few girls come up to them and get Jeno talking about soccer and it takes him a good forty minutes to realise that they don’t really care about how this season will go. Jeno is slightly disappointed; he would like to be seen as someone other than just another handsome dude on the field.

By the time the girls leave, looking similarly disappointed, he’s lost both Renjun and Jisung and he realises that the house is almost empty. The kitchen is deserted, a wasteland of empty solo cups and sticky tiles. Some people are hanging around the entrance, waiting for older siblings to pick them up or just saying bye to friends. Upstairs Jeno spots Jaemin collecting empty bottles and party streamers in a blue garbage bag. He looks a little tired, straining his back to pick something off the floor.

'Hey,' Jeno says and Jaemin straightens immediately. His bright smile is back on his face, fatigue replaced, and Jeno suddenly wonders how real that smile is when he can put it on so easily.

'Hey. Didn’t expect you to stay this long.'

Jeno lifts his shoulders a little. 'I was going to leave but I can’t find my friends. Have you seen Renjun and Jisung?'

'Oh, they left a while ago. To be honest I thought you went with them.'

Jeno blinks. 'I can’t believe they ditched me.'

Jaemin gives him an apologetic smile, shaking his bag a little. 'Happens to the best of us.'

'Right.' Jeno should probably leave since its getting late, but he looks at the mess and Jaemin’s hidden tiredness. 'Do you, uh, need help cleaning up?'

'Huh? Oh no, don’t worry, you go ahead.'

'You sure? Seems like a lot to me.'

'I’m used to this, really. But thanks. You can take this downstairs, though, just put it by the door.' Jaemin hands Jeno his plastic bag.

'Alright. Thanks for, uh, the party.'

Jaemin smiles again. 'Hope you enjoyed it.'

'I did.'

'Well, then I guess I'll see you around.'

Jeno turns, feeling Jaemin’s gaze burn on the back of his neck all the way downstairs.

Nothing really changes except Jaemin notices Jeno in the hallways now, will smile and nod at him when they pass each other. Once or twice Jaemin stops at his desk in English Lit to ask him something about homework.

It doesn’t change much for Jeno but apparently it does for the students because if Jeno thought he was kind of popular before he definitely is now.

Jeno knew Jaemin had influence as far as influence goes at high school but it’s still strange. Other popular people start talking to him before class which pisses Renjun off to no end and makes Jeno tremendously uncomfortable.

Jaemin hasn’t even done anything. He gives Jeno minuscule attention and that’s all it takes. Jeno doesn’t know what to think of it; he’s not especially grateful. He’s content with his tight-knit circle of friends and doesn’t really need the extra attention. Then again, there are worse things than being treated nicely by those who could afford to be rude.

High school is a weird place, Jeno decides. They are all in the same hell, they all have to get up early, do their homework, get through the day, but somehow it’s a lot about people and what they think about you, even though no one should care.

He voices this to Renjun one day when they are sitting in the library after school to do homework.

Renjun gives him a serious look. ‘Here’s a thing about high school: everyone here hates themselves. The only thing making that bearable is getting into other people’s business and pretending to be better than anyone else. Which is why popular people are usually the shittiest ones. Thanks for coming to my TED talk.’ Then he looks back down at his notebook and keeps writing.

Jeno sits there, twirling his pen, and thinks about Renjun’s words. If they were true wouldn’t that mean that Jaemin is the worst of them all? Wouldn’t that mean that Jaemin hates himself, too? Na sunshine smile, nice to everyone, good at everything Jaemin?

Jeno shakes his head a little. Renjun might be right in most cases but Jeno doesn’t think Jaemin is that bad.

Then again, he doesn’t really know him, so who is he to make that judgement?

‘Are you planning on staring into space for the rest of the day?’ Renjun asks and Jeno sighs, going back to his History essay.

Jeno knows Jaemin is coming, not because he sees him but because he feels everyone’s focus shift. It’s a thing about Jaemin: everyone notices him, even when he’s just casually crossing the cafeteria. Jeno figures Jaemin enjoys the attention.

Jeno eventually looks up when someone knocks his knuckles on their table.

Jaemin smiles at all of them. 'S’up, guys. I don’t know if you’ve heard but I’m throwing a Halloween party this year again.’

By the beginning of October, literally everyone has heard of Jaemin’s Halloween party. Obviously the whole school wants to go but Jaemin only lets specific people come. Rumour has it he keeps a list of people and you get on it by personal invite only.

Jeno’s never thought Jaemin would pick them. He never thought he’d care.

‘We’ve heard,’ Renjun says warily, glancing up at Jaemin who returns his gaze with joyful mirth, unbothered by Renjun’s aloofness.

‘Cool.  So do you guys want to come? I need to know by Friday for shopping purposes.’

'Is it a dress up party?' Jisung asks.

'Obviously,' Jaemin says. ‘Anything goes as long as it fits through the door and doesn’t offend anyone.’

'I’m in,' Jisung says.

Jeno nods. 'Me, too.'

Renjun sighs like he's carrying the world on his shoulders. 'Fine.'

Jaemin smiles. 'Fantastic. I’ll let you guys know the details once I… figure them out. See you around!'

As soon as Jaemin’s out of earshot Renjun leans across the table. 'Has Na Jaemin just invited us to his Halloween party?!'

'I believe he did,' Jisung says complacently. 'We’re the cool kids now.'

'Like we weren’t cool before.'

‘You certainly weren’t.’

‘You little brat –‘

Jeno watches Jisung cower away from Renjun’s angry spoon-slapping but he’s thinking of the party. He’s never really considered himself one of the popular ones, much less someone Na Jaemin would want to hang out with. People don’t think Jeno’s cool for who he is, just what he looks like after all. But maybe Jaemin thinks the same way. Maybe Jaemin invited them because they all look cooler than they are. The thought dismays Jeno a little.

‘What are you guys going to dress up as?’ Renjun asks, shaking Jeno out of his thoughts.

‘Probably a zombie because that always works,’ Jisung says. ‘What about you? A smurf?’

Renjun raises his spoon again, rice grains flying across the table. ‘You’re really asking for it today, huh?’

Jisung shrugs. ‘I think Jeno should go as that stone face guy from Night at the Museum. You know, dum dum?’

‘Shut up,’ Jeno says but Renjun laughs and next thing he knows his friends are in their own world, plotting embarrassing costumes for him.

It’s a week to go until it’s Halloween and the schoolboard has already started letting students decorate, putting up orange and black garlands. Someone distributes fake spiders which results in the less mature guys throwing them at non-suspecting Freshmen during lunch and creating even more chaos than usual.

Jeno doesn’t really get the hype around Halloween but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t like it. Truthfully it was a lot more fun when he was young enough to go trick or treating with Renjun. Renjun had quickly figured out that the whole neighbourhood was more or less entranced by Jeno which is why he did most of the work, but the full baskets of chocolates and candy were well worth it.

Jeno doesn’t think they find him just as cute anymore.

A week before Halloween also means it’s seriously time to think of a costume which is exactly why he, Renjun and Jisung are currently browsing through the racks of a costume rental. Jisung keeps picking out dwarf costumes for Renjun which only gets him kicked in the shin but he won’t stop laughing anyway.

‘Hey, Jeno,’ Jisung says, finally getting tired of Renjun’s reactions. ‘I’ll buy you ramen if you go as Snow White.’

‘That’s not even creepy, what the hell,’ Renjun says, considering the dress Jisung is holding.

‘It would be if Jeno wore this.’

‘Shut up,’ Jeno says. ‘I’m going as L from Death Note.’

Both of his friends stare at him. Renjun scoffs. ‘That’s not creepy, either! Do any of you even get the point of Halloween?’

‘Jaemin never said we’d have to show up looking creepy,’ Jeno defends himself.

‘You just don’t want to ruin your image as pretty boy,’ Jisung says.

‘Well, I’m not going as Snow White and all of these things here are lame.’

Renjun rubs his temples. ‘Lord, give me strength to deal with these idiots.’

‘The lord doesn’t care about you,’ Jisung says. ‘You’re on the going to hell list since you stuck your wet finger in my ear.’

Jeno thinks he should be the one praying, giving the lady at the till an apologetic look when Renjun chases Jisung around the store with a plastic scythe in hand.

‘Hey.’

Jeno looks up, coming face to face with Jaemin. ‘Oh. Hi.’

Jaemin presses his hands flat on Jeno’s desk, leaning down a little. He glances around, looking at the other students who are leaving the classroom, before his eyes settle back on Jeno. It’s slightly disconcerting; everything about Jaemin is sort of soft but there’s a sly edge to his gaze, like he knows exactly what kind of effect he has on people.

‘Give me your number, so I can send you the party details,’ he says.

‘Can’t you just like, give them to me now?’ Jeno asks, frowning.

Jaemin leans back, pouting a little. Jeno is sure that Jaemin’s fully aware of how cute that makes him look. ‘But I made a cool graphic and everything.’

Jeno laughs despite himself and Jaemin grins back immediately, handing Jeno his phone. Jeno wants to remind him that phones are prohibited but even if Jaemin got caught Jeno doubts there would be consequences. Teacher’s pet and all that.

He takes Jaemin’s phone, types in his number and gives it back.

Jaemin smiles again and Jeno absently asks himself if he’s even capable of looking anything but happy. ‘Thanks. See you then!’

He vanishes as quickly as he came and Jeno wonders how this looked from the outside: the Na Jaemin asking him, Lee Jeno, for his number at the end of class. The thought flusters him for some reason, so he pretends it didn’t happen.

‘He’s so extra, oh my god,’ Renjun says and Jisung agrees. They are all squeezed on Jeno’s bed, huddled together to look at his phone screen that’s showing the official invitation to Jaemin’s Halloween party.

‘He really went and made a whole ass gif,’ Jisung says. ‘Do you think he did the drawings himself?’

Renjun scoffs. ‘Never. He was in my art class last year and that boy’s hopeless. Must be nice to have minions for everything.’

‘Stop being bitter,’ Jeno says. ‘I think it’s cute.’

It is cute. There are spiders scuttling across the screen, a ghost with a cheery face popping up by the side and a bat flying across a grinning moon. It’s all kept in a 2D style that reminds Jeno of old computer games, simple but effective, and in the middle are the details in a blocky font.

‘Do you think we should ask if he needs help with anything?’ Jeno asks.

‘Oh Jeno,’ Renjun says, patting Jeno’s knee. ‘You’re too pure. This is Na Jaemin, he doesn’t need help with parties. Especially not yours.’

‘Fair enough,’ Jeno says.

Later, when Renjun and Jisung have finished raiding Jeno’s kitchen and played through several rounds of Mario Kart, Jeno asks anyway.

Jeno (8:29 PM)

hey

I was wondering if u wanted some help with the party?

like I could bring food or something

Jaemin replies almost immediately.

Na Jaemin (8:30 PM)

hey!!

nah ur good

unless!!!

u wanna bring some creepy jelly~ u know with like fake insects or smthing

Jeno (8:30 PM)

yeah ok I can do that

Na Jaemin (8:30 PM)

sweet thx!!

‘Why is there a bowl full of gummy worms engulfed in Jell-O on the table?’ Renjun asks, standing in the doorway that leads to the kitchen.

Jeno turns half away from the hallway mirror, trying to get his hair to fall into a fringe that shows at least a little resemblance to L’s. (It’s hopeless. His hair is just too short.) ‘It’s for the party.’

Renjun frowns. It’s kind of funny because he’s already made up as a vampire, complete with red cape and contoured cheekbones. He’d refused the fangs, though, so Jeno thinks his costume is pretty lame. Technically he isn’t even a vampire now.

Jisung is dressed up already, too, out of sight somewhere in the kitchen, most likely stealing food because lately he’s been eating twice as much as Renjun and Jeno combined. He’s wearing tattered clothes that show painted-on wounds. Even Renjun admitted that he actually looks kind of scary.

Really, they are just waiting for Jeno and his hair to cooperate.

Jeno knows his costume is not the most amazing thing ever, given that it’s really just a baggy white shirt and sweatpants, but at least he looks good. His mum had helped him with the eyeliner earlier, smiling with uninhibited glee as she opened her makeup case, and Jeno had absently asked himself if she’d rather have had a daughter. Then again, it’s 2018 and makeup has long since surpassed gender roles, at least as far as Jeno is concerned.

‘This is as good as it gets,’ Renjun says. ‘Let’s just go.’

Jeno gives his hair one last disdainful ruffle and sighs. ‘Alright.’

It’s a little embarrassing to cross the neighbourhood dressed like this but then again, for Jeno it’s really only second-hand even though Jisung insists he looks like an emo boy from 2009.

Plus, they are not the only people on their way. Right in front of them is a group of students, one of which is dressed as Shrek.

‘Oh my God, is that Taeil?’ Renjun asks, pointing across the street at a Senior who’s wearing Belle’s bright yellow dress.

‘See, Jeno,’ Jisung sneers. ‘You would have been fine as Snow White.’

‘I said it before and I’ll say it again,’ Renjun starts, crossing his arms. ‘He really went over the top.’

This time Jeno can’t help but agree. The front yard is decorated with carved pumpkins, fake spider webs and a full-sized Grim Reaper who Jeno half expects to be a real person. He doesn’t move when they pass him, though, so Jeno relaxes his hold on his dessert a little.

‘I see no bouncers,’ Jisung says and considers the door. ‘That’s a disappointment.’

‘Just ring the damn bell,’ Renjun says.

Jisung does. Jeno looks up at the façade, at the fake ghosts that are hanging in some of the windows. For a moment Jeno wonders if Jaemin does all of that alone, the decorating, getting everything ready, making sure everything fits the way it does. Then there’s a bit of a commotion behind the door and Jeno looks back down right before it swings open.

Jaemin is a wizard.

He’s dressed as one of those old-fashioned ones, wearing dark blue robes, complete with silvery constellations embroidered in the smooth fabric, a top hat on his head and a plastic wand in his left hand. There is glitter highlighting his cheekbones and bolt makeup around his eyes that makes him look ten times sharper. Literally everyone else would probably look like a clown made up like this but this is Na Jaemin, so he looks stunning instead.

‘Well, hello there,’ he says, smiling brightly.

Renjun raises his eyebrows, regarding him. ‘What the hell is creepy about a wizard?’

As always Jaemin is completely unperturbed by Renjun’s behaviour. ‘I can put an Imperius curse on you. If that’s not creepy I don’t know what is.’

‘No one in Harry Potter has ever worn anything that extra,’ Renjun says.

Jaemin lets his wand sink a little but his smile doesn’t waver. ‘Fine, I just wanted to look pretty, okay?’

‘God, you’re just like Jeno,’ Jisung says, stepping past Jaemin into the house.

Jeno bristles at that. ‘Don’t expose me.’

Jaemin laughs, taking the bowl off of Jeno. ‘Thanks for this, Jeno. You look good, though. We know what the priority is, huh?’

Jeno’s face gets a little hot at the compliment, so he moves on with his friends quickly.

The house is full but not as full as the last time Jeno was here. There are fake cobwebs everywhere, more pumpkins, Halloween-themed finger food and drinks, with people hanging around and laughing at each other’s costumes. In the span of twenty minutes Jeno sees at least six girls dressed as playboy bunnies and three other vampires that look exactly like Renjun except most of them have fangs. Other people, like the Shrek person and Taeil, are more creative. Another upperclassman called Taeyong shows up as Jack Frost, stealing the show from practically everyone, save maybe Jaemin and whoever is hidden in the extremely detailed murder clown costume.

As expected, the music is Halloween-themed as well and much to Renjun’s chagrin both Jeno and Jisung get a little carried away dancing to Thriller. That’s when they spot Donghyuck, too, face painted to a skeleton. Mark, who’s by his side, is wearing a Captain America suit.

‘Damn, and here I thought you’d take the chance and do couple costumes,’ Renjun says.

‘I wanted to but someone,‘ Donghyuck says and throws Mark a murderous glare. ‘– was being a little bitch about it.’

Jisung takes a sip from his bright red drink, whatever it may be. ‘Tragic. You’re not even American, Mark.’

‘Have you guys tried the fruit punch?’ Mark asks instead of entertaining the comments. ‘Jaemin’s mum made it but he spiked it to the max.’

‘We didn’t have a chance to even make it to the kitchen. People thought dancing was more important than getting hydrated,’ Renjun says drily.

‘First of all, alcohol does not hydrate you,’ Jeno says.

‘If you weren’t getting drinks then why does Jisung have one?’ Donghyuck points out.

Jisung shrugs. ‘Someone gave it to me.’

Renjun immediately scrambles for the cup and takes it away. ‘You don’t just drink what people give to you for free. Jesus, all of you would die without me!’

‘You keep telling yourself that,’ Jisung says.

‘Let’s go,’ Jeno says. ‘I want to try that fruit punch.’

The thing about spiked fruit punch is you don’t actually realise how much alcohol is in there until you’re drunk off your ass. Jeno is fine with being a little more than tipsy since he’s more comfortable around here now but he didn’t intend on letting it get this out of hand. He can still walk and stuff but literally anything’s funny now, even the way Renjun scolds him. Everything feels warm and fuzzy, like the floor is made of cotton, and it’s a little hard to navigate.

Whatever. It’s not his fault he can’t say no to watermelon.

‘Hey, someone said Jaemin’s dancing upstairs,’ Jisung says. He’s a little tipsy, too, but not as much as Jeno which is probably thanks to Renjun’s protective streak. ‘Wanna go watch?’

Obviously Jeno does. He kind of wants to dance himself; it seems like the right idea at a party, especially when the Halloween soundtrack has been exchanged for a more contemporary playlist a while ago and the alcohol is taking his inhibitions down.

They climb the stairs and find a small crowd in the same room as last time. In the middle of the circle isn’t Jaemin, though, but the Jack Frost dude and damn. He’s giving Jaemin – or anyone – a run for their money.

‘You should dance,’ Jeno says, pushing Jisung forward to the edge of the circle. Jeno knows he wants to because his struggling is minimal. When Jack Frost bows, smile way too shy for someone who just killed it, Jisung steps up.

Jeno feels weirdly proud, watching Jisung dance. Maybe it’s because he’s younger and Jeno’s literally watched him grow up right under his nose ever since they were like three.

Maybe it’s just because Jisung’s an incredible dancer, even next to Jack Frost.

‘Oh boy,’ someone says from where Jeno expected Renjun to be. Looking around, though, he finds Jaemin next to him and Renjun nowhere in sight. ‘He’s good.’

‘That’s Jisung,’ Jeno says, probably in the same way someone would say, ‘That’s my son,’ but he can’t be bothered to be embarrassed.

Jaemin laughs, clear and bright. His skin shines, the light catching on his teeth and the glitter, and Jeno absently wonders how he manages to look this good in something that ridiculous.

‘Are you going to dance, too?’ Jeno asks. It’s easier to talk to Jaemin while drunk, Jeno thinks. His general intensity is easier to take when your chest is full of bass lines and artificial confidence.

‘Yeah,’ Jaemin says and steps into the circle.

Jisung finds his way back to Jeno, out of breath but full of smiles. Jeno pats his back before returning his attention to Jaemin. Jeno notices he’s got rid of his hat and wand but he’s using the cape, whirling it around.

Watching Jaemin, Jeno is reminded of how dance is less about listening to the music and more about feeling it, figuring out what it can make you do. It’s about letting it stream through you without any inhibitions.

Jaemin’s technique is not as good as Jisung’s and his movements not as fluid as Taeyong’s but there’s a different vibe to it, something that makes up for those minor shortcomings. Jaemin dances like it’s the one thing in the world that he needs and it’s its own sort of amazing. He’s a swirl of dark blue and silver, a rush of adrenaline, and for a breathless second Jeno locks eyes with him. Jaemin’s grin grows impossibly wider, brighter, and it makes Jeno feel weightless, suspended in the air between moving bodies, letting himself be carried away by the song and the little bit of magic that is Na Jaemin.

‘Should we go find Renjun and go home?’ Jisung asks. The party has died down significantly and the house is quieter. Jeno has sobered up a bit after eating three pieces of cake that had had a very unnatural colour but that had tasted like chocolate and hazelnut.

Jeno nods. ‘Sure.’

As it turns out, Renjun is sitting in the living room with one of Jaemin’s friends, talking in mad fast Mandarin. He gets up when Jisung suggests going home, though.

‘You being social, who would have thought,’ Jeno teases on the way to the door.

‘Since all my friends ditched me to watch a mad magician hop around in a circle, I had no other choice,’ Renjun says.

‘Last time you said he was cool,’ Jisung says. ‘Also I danced, too.’

‘I’ve seen you dance a million times before.’

‘Still –‘

‘Hey,’ Jeno asks, one hand on the door handle. ‘Shouldn’t we, like, tell Jaemin that we’re leaving?’

‘He has eyes, he’ll know,’ Renjun says and ushers them outside.

Jeno texts Jaemin later anyway, when he’s stretched out on Renjun’s couch, squeezed next to Jisung who’s already out like a light.

Jeno (2:43 AM)

hey sorry we just left without saying bye

thanks for the party it was fun!!

Jeno doesn’t see the reply until the next morning, squinting bleary-eyed at the display.

Na Jaemin (5:03 AM)

np glad you enjoyed it!!!

tell your friend he’s a great dancer~

Jeno doesn’t know why but he wishes Jaemin would know that Jeno is a good dancer, too.

Jeno often wonders why people spend so much time of their teenage life feeling terrible. There is nothing wrong with him and yet here he is, being depressed for absolutely no reason. Practice was fine. Most of his homework is done, save for this Biology report. He has friends and his family isn’t too bad and just yesterday Jisung’s choreographer had told him he had potential.

Life is fine but it doesn’t feel like it is and it endlessly frustrates Jeno.

Frustration won’t finish this report, though, so he ditches Renjun’s offer for cocoa in town and goes to the library instead, heading straight for the quietest corner.

He takes out his stuff and opens his books and it’s only then that he realises the person on the table next to him is watching him.

Jeno is about to give them a glare to indicate that he’s not up for popular people bullshit today, but it’s Jaemin.

Technically it still counts as popular people bullshit, perhaps even more so, but Jeno’s never seen Jaemin in the library before, hence he makes a surprised face. Jaemin lifts the corner of his mouth into a barely noticeable smile and Jeno wonders if maybe he is having a rough day, too. He doesn’t look like his usual cheerful self with his hood drawn up, hands hidden in the sleeves.

‘Hi,’ Jeno says awkwardly.

‘Thank god it’s just you,’ Jaemin says.

‘What?’

‘I’m hiding. I’ll never get anything done when people keep coming over to distract me.’

‘The downside of fame, huh?’

‘Don’t call it fame.’ Jaemin snorts and looks down at his books before making eye-contact with Jeno. ‘Hey, do you mind if I sit with you? I swear I’ll be quiet.’

Jeno shrugs. ‘Sure.’

It’s only weird in the beginning when Jeno is still hyperaware of Jaemin’s presence. He does keep quiet, though, so it fades into the background and Jeno gets a good chunk of work done before he leans back, trying to work a kink out of his neck.

Jaemin looks up. ‘You alright?’

‘Yeah,’ Jeno says. ‘Just a weird day.’

‘I know, right. Today fucking sucks. School’s stressing me the hell out with all this nonsense.’ Jaemin sighs and rubs a hand over his face.

It’s the first time Jeno sees him completely unhappy and it’s strange how it’s Jeno out of all people who gets to see it. They aren’t that close after all. Maybe that’s why Jaemin is like this; Jeno doesn’t know and doesn’t care because he is new to this – this acquaintanceship. Jaemin must know that Jeno keeps quiet most of the time and doesn’t get involved with rumours.

So it’s nice to be trusted, even though it’s strange.

‘It’s just like that sometimes, I guess,’ Jeno says.

‘Hm. Wanna ditch and get tea or something?’

Jeno stares at him for a moment. They are not really friends, just people who see each other at parties and nod to each other before class. They don’t go anywhere together, least of all just the two of them.

Then again, this is Na ‘I’m friends with everyone’ Jaemin, so Jeno guesses this is normal for him. Getting tea with mere acquaintances, hanging out with practically strangers.

It’s not normal for Jeno. Agreeing to Jaemin would feel like betraying Renjun and Jeno’s already not having the best of days. Also something about Jaemin makes him feel strangely shy sometimes.

He shrugs apologetically and points at his homework. ‘I really have to finish this.’

Jaemin nods, packing away his things, and Jeno briefly wonders if he only asked out of politeness. ‘I’ll see you around.’

Jaemin leaves and it makes Jeno feel weird, like he’s missing out on something. It’s stupid. He doesn’t owe Jaemin anything; he’s not one of those girls that try to get Jaemin to hang out with them any chance they get. He’s not even really trying to become closer with Jaemin, he just takes it as he gets it. There’s nothing to feel weird about. It’s probably just the day getting progressively worse for absolutely no reason.

Jeno asks his mum about it later. ‘Why are teenagers so miserable?’

She smiles at him, ruffling his hair until he swats her hand away. ‘It’s just a part of growing up, honey.’

‘But why?’

‘You’re figuring yourself out. It’s not just your body that’s changing, it’s your brain, too, you see? Everything is kind of new and weird and at the same time you’re trying to find your place. That can be difficult but it’s completely normal.’ She frowns a little. ‘Unless you’re properly depressed. Do you want to go see someone –‘

‘No! I mean – no. I’m fine. Just wondering.’

She squints at him but nods. ‘Okay. Let me know if there’s anything I can help you with, yeah?’

‘Okay.’ But there isn’t because she refuses to do Jeno’s homework for him and he can’t very well her why he’s sad when he doesn’t know it himself.

He briefly wonders if Jaemin feels like that, too, confused and empty, then shakes his head. It’s not like he really cares about Jaemin like that, anyway.

There is a fresh rumour going around and it’s that Na Jaemin has a new girlfriend.

Jeno is a little confused about the word ‘new’ since he’s pretty sure he’s never seen Jaemin in a relationship before but he’s not the type to pay attention to that kind of thing, so maybe he just missed it. Really, he’s not prone to know about rumours anyway, unless Renjun tells him about them, but sometimes just being present in class is enough pick up on things, consciously or not.

In Physics he overhears some girls talking about it.

‘Hina said she’s a Senior,’ one of them says. ‘Who do you think it could be?’

‘Hm, I don’t know. Yujeong maybe? I think I heard someone talk about her.’

‘Are you sure? Yujeong isn’t that pretty… Why would Jaemin go for someone like that?’

‘I don’t know, it’s just what I’ve heard.’

‘Ugh. I liked school better when Jaemin was single.’

They laugh and Jeno stops listening.

Jeno wonders where that rumour came from in the first place. Jaemin is sitting with Mark, Chenle and the rest of his squad like always, no girls in sight. He’s not even glancing over to where Yujeong is hanging out with her friends.

‘What are you staring at?’ Renjun asks.

Jeno drags his gaze away from Jaemin to look at Renjun and leans forward a little. ‘Do you think the rumours about Jaemin having a girlfriend are true?’

Renjun gives Jeno a long hard look. ‘Jeno. That boy is not straight enough for a girlfriend.'

'What?'

'Do you have eyes?'

'Yeah?'

‘Jesus, you wouldn’t see Jaden Smith if he stood right in front of you.'

Jeno frowns. 'What are you on about?'

'Oh my god. It means he's into guys. He’s gay, Jeno. G-a-y.'

Jeno blinks twice, mulling that over. 'Has he said that or...?'

Renjun throws his hands up. ‘I give up. Why do you care anyway?’

‘I don’t. I heard some people talking about it and I thought you’d know.’

‘Well, I do, and it’s that it’s nothing but a rumour. Trust me, I can tell.’

Jeno goes back to poking at his soggy noodles. If Jaemin really isn’t straight, wouldn’t more people know? Renjun seems to be sure after all and he can’t be the only one. And yet that’s not a rumour Jeno’s ever heard of.

So perhaps Renjun is wrong for once.

Jeno doesn’t think about it again until he’s finally in his room. Soccer practice had ended just in time for dinner and then he’d had to help with the dishes but now he can finally relax, listen to some music or maybe watch something before it’s time to sleep.

Jeno never considered that maybe Jaemin might be anything other than straight. He doesn’t know why he’s considering it now since it doesn’t matter and it’s none of his business.

Jeno has never even thought about being straight or not himself. He’s had crushes on girls before so he figures there was nothing to be questioned.

There is nothing to be questioned.

Except the conversation with Renjun about Jaemin made him feel strange, all raw inside. What if Jaemin likes boys instead? Would that be weird?

Obviously not, Jeno thinks. It’s 2018, these things don’t matter anymore. But he thinks about it anyway. Wonders if Jaemin would find him attractive, then asks himself he finds Jaemin attractive and finds that yes, he does. In a completely normal straight person way, though. Jeno has a working set of eyes, he can see that Jaemin’s handsome with his lithe body and ever-present smile. When he pushes his brunette hair back other people might even say he’s hot.

But that doesn’t change the fact that Jeno’s straight. Right? Right.

Na Jaemin (9:55 PM)

heeeyy

some of us are hanging out this sunday

do u wanna come??

chenle says bring renjun

u can bring the dance prodigy 2 if u want

& snacks ;))

There he goes again, Jeno thinks. Trying to actually befriend them like they’re not a weird group of introverts with very little interest in the kind of crowd Jaemin is usually associated with.

Jeno (9:57 PM)

whos ‘some of us’?

Na Jaemin (9:57 PM)

chenle mark hyuck maybe yukhei

ur friends with hyuck right??

Jeno (9:58 PM)

yes

I’ll ask the others

Na Jaemin (9:58 PM)

:))))

Group Chat: Top Trio

Jen (9:59 PM)

jaemins asking if we wanna hang out with him and some others on sunday

Injunie (10:00 PM)

what

what does he think we are

friends????

Mochisung (10:01 PM)

the real question is will there be food

Jen (10:01 PM)

idk he said to bring some

Injunie (10:01 PM)

I can’t believe this is my life

Jen (10:02 PM)

so do I say yes or

Mochisung (10:02 PM)

sure

Injunie (10:02 PM)

fine

if it’s a waste of time I’m leaving tho

Jen (10:03 PM)

k

Jeno (10:03 PM)

what time should we come over?

Na Jaemin (10:05 PM)

5 ish??

Jeno (10:05 PM)

ok

Na Jaemin (10:05 PM)

sweet :)))

This is the third time that Jeno is at Jaemin’s house but the first time he sees his room. People say he locks it at parties, which is fully understandable in Jeno’s opinion.

Not that Jaemin has anything to hide (Jeno wouldn’t know). It’s a completely normal teenager room, some band posters on the walls, relatively tidy but not tidy enough to be considered suspicious. Mark, Chenle and Yukhei are sitting on the floor in front of the couch which is occupied by Donghyuck, stretched out fully until Renjun kicks at his feet to make space.

Jeno thinks if it weren’t for Donghyuck and Jaemin’s people skills this would have been really awkward.

But Jaemin treats everyone like they’ve all been friends forever, taking the bag of crisps off Jisung and ripping it open in one smooth motion. ‘Are you guys fine with Mario Party?’

Of course they are. Sandwiched between Renjun and Donghyuck, Jeno doesn’t feel like he’s hanging out with Na Jaemin, popular student, but rather a group of mutual friends that fit surprisingly well. Yukhei is loud, which Jeno already knew from a shared Chemistry class, but he’s also really funny, mixing up his vocabulary until Renjun or Chenle offer help. (Chenle is not that helpful, though, since he mostly just repeats what Yukhei said before breaking into high-pitched laughter.)

Like this, time passes quickly and Yukhei’s sister comes to pick up her brother and Chenle. It gets noticeably quieter after that, Donghyuck being the loudest around until he starts being disgusting with Mark. Jaemin eventually kicks them out on the basis that everyone has suffered enough from their PDA and Jeno panics a little. It’s just his friends and Jaemin now and he tries to signal Renjun to leave without actually saying anything, but Renjun is engrossed in a match against Jisung that they’ve just started on their own.

That’s even worse. Jeno really doesn’t mind Jaemin and it’s obvious that Jaemin doesn’t mind anyone, but Jeno only really talks to Jaemin while tipsy or through text. It’s different when he’s just hanging out, even though he’s not sure why it matters.

Jeno doesn’t know what it is about Jaemin that makes him feel so self-conscious. They are just sitting next to each other and Jaemin isn’t even talking to him, instead commentating Jisung’s way to victory in his best narrator voice, but one of his arms is on the back rest, practically around Jeno’s shoulders.

Jeno focuses on the room instead, looking around. Rooms say a lot about a person, his mum always says. She means it as a reminder for Jeno to keep his room clean but she’s right in different ways.

There are things Jeno wouldn’t have expected Jaemin to own, like the giant hamster plushy on his bed or the collection of small succulents that line his window sill, name tags attached to the little pots. It’s kind of amiable. Perhaps besides the Na Jaemin that everyone assumes to know, there is a softer Jaemin, too.

There’s a quiet knock on the door and Renjun pauses the game when they all turn around to look. The door opens a bit, Jaemin’s mum poking her head in. She’s a nice woman, Jeno thinks, for letting Jaemin trash the house on the regular and then offering soda when a small horde of teenagers show up in her front yard.

‘Jaeminnie, are your friends staying for dinner?’

Jaemin turns to give them a questioning look.

Jeno meets Renjun’s eyes for a moment. ‘I think my mum wants me home soon.’

‘Mine, too, actually,’ Jisung says, looking at his phone to check the time.

‘Alright,’ Jaemin’s mum says. ‘Do you guys need a lift?’

‘We don’t live far, but thank you.’

She nods, vanishing again, and Renjun drops his controller on the coffee table. ‘I guess we should head back.’

They slip back into their shoes downstairs and Jaemin hugs each of them before he lets them out. Jeno should have seen this coming, knowing how touchy he is from witnessing Jaemin coddle his friends during breaks, but he’s not fully prepared to ever be on the receiving end of that affection.

Not that he minds. Jaemin smells like lemon grass and clean cotton laundry and he’s also really good at hugs. It’s just that Jeno gets nervous easily when it’s people he doesn’t know well. That’s all.

‘This was fun,’ Jaemin says, waving them off. Jisung agrees and they get on their way home, each lost in their own thoughts for a while. It’s comfortable like this, the shape of their shadows and the sound of their feet familiar and comforting to Jeno from years of exploring the neighbourhood together.

‘So we’re actually friends with the Na Jaemin squad now,’ Renjun says eventually.

‘I guess we are,’ Jisung hums, kicking a stone in front of him, sending it skittering across the concrete.

‘If Jeno stops being weird it might actually work out,’ Renjun says.

Jeno frowns. ‘I wasn’t weird.’

‘You’re hella awkward around Jaemin,’ Jisung says.

‘I don’t know him that well, you can’t blame me.’

‘He’s just some other dude,’ Renjun says. ‘Get over it, you big baby.’

They reach the branch-off where they all head into their respective streets and Jeno is glad for it. ‘Whatever. See you tomorrow, nerds.’

‘You’re the nerd here, moron.’

‘Bye!’

The middle of November brings a lot of rain, turning soccer practice into absolute hell. Jeno honestly thinks it’s a miracle he hasn’t caught a cold yet, even though he’s being drenched to the bone by ice cold water at least twice a week. One Thursday afternoon even their coach gives up, letting them hit the showers after some failed drills in the mud.

Cancelled practice means at least two hours more free time than Jeno usually has, so he texts his friends, mood bright despite the terrible weather once he’s in the comfortably warm space of his room.

Group Chat: Top Trio

Jen (4:49 PM)

yo practice got cancelled

anyone wanna hang out at my place??

Mochisung (5:01 PM)

chenle and I are hitting the theatres in a min

so no

soz

Jen (5:01 PM)

ur hanging with chenle??

Mochisung (5:01 PM)

yes were friends now suck it up loser

Injunie (5:02 PM)

I can’t either

I have debate

Jen (5:02 PM)

:((((

Injunie (5:03 PM)

go ask hyuck or jaemin or something

Jen (5:03 PM)

hyucks busy with mark

and I cant ask jaemin

he wouldnt hang out just with me

Mochisung (5:03 PM)

lol im sure he would if you werent so awk

Jen (5:03 PM)

I didnt ask for this slander

Injunie (5:03 PM)

Jeno stop being a coward challenge: failed

Mochisung (5:04 PM)

LMAOOO

Jen (5:04 PM)

S T O P

Injunie (5:04 PM)

gtg bye whores

Jeno sits on his bed for a full minute, considering his options. He should probably just take out his books and study for the subjects he had neglected a little over the past few weeks. His Literature grade could use a push. But he has a free period tomorrow in which he could do that instead, so maybe he should finish that drama he started watching.

Or maybe he should just text Jaemin to see what he’s up to. The worst he can do is say he’s busy and it’s not like Jeno’s scared of rejection since he doesn’t really care.

Actually, the worst Jaemin can do is say yes and ask Jeno to come over or something.

Jeno lies back on his bed. Hanging out with Jaemin by himself is a stupid idea when you get flustered easily. As nice as Jaemin is, he’s really forward and overwhelming sometimes. It’s not that Jeno doesn’t like him but he’s… a handful.  Also Jaemin has a lot of friends, so really, Jeno can save himself the energy. He should really –

His phone hums in his hand.

Mochisung (5:13 PM)

lol jaemin just texted chenle asking him to hang out

so chenle said hes busy and told him to hit u up instead @Jen

so be prepared

Injunie (5:13 PM)

LMAO I can feel jeno panicking from here

Jen (5:13 PM)

WHAT

WHY

I hate u :(((

also renjun arent u busy discussing shit wtf

Injunie (5:14 PM)

maybe I would be but everyones so goddamn stupid I s2g

Mochisung (5:14 PM)

jaemin just said ‘oh that’s a good idea thx chenle’

rip jeno

Jen (5:15 PM)

ur dead to me

Injunie (5:15 PM)

why are you so nervous anyway

Jen (5:16 PM)

Im not nervous!!

…

just shy

theres a difference

Mochisung (5:16 PM)

sure jan

Jen (5:17 PM)

oh no he texted me

Injunie (5:17 PM)

what’s he saying

Jen (5:17 PM)

idk I didnt open the message

Injunie (5:17 PM)

UGH JENO

Jen (5:17 PM)

LEAVE ME ALONE

Injunie (5:17 PM)

I THOUGHT YOU THINK HE IS NICE

Mochisung (5:17 PM)

WHY ARE WE SCREAMING

Injunie (5:18 PM)

BECAUSE LEE JENO IS AN IDIOT

Jen (5:18 PM)

IM NOT

Injunie (5:18 PM)

YOU ARE

if he doesn’t make you nervous why don’t you just text him back you coward

you gotta make new friends sometimes!!

Jen (5:19 PM)

u know what ur right

cuz u guys suck !

Mochisung (5:19 PM)

finally

Jen (5:19 PM)

but what do I tell him

Injunie (5:19 PM)

jesus christ

say yes?? If it’s weird you go home and cry about it to us

or say no and submit to us calling you a coward forever

its just jaemin ffs its like you have a fucking crush on him or something

Mochisung (5:19 PM)

lmao imagine

Jen (5:19 PM)

urg pls no

I dont wanna throw up

Injunie (5:20 PM)

whoa

that’s some gross hetero bullshit

I expected better of you

juST TEXT HIM

Jen (5:20 PM)

FINE

Na Jaemin (5:17 PM)

hey jenoooo~

Im bored out of my mind

do you wanna hang out or somthing??

Jeno (5:20 PM)

dont u have like a million friends

Na Jaemin (5:20 PM)

..maybe

but my friends also have a million friends

so theyre all busy

and im all alone

:(((

plz help?

Damn extroverts. Na Jaemin really knows how to get what he wants, Jeno thinks. And Jeno isn’t even one of those people who are especially weak for him or receptive for any kind of cuteness. Definitely not.

Jeno (5:21 PM)

what would u want to do anyway

nothing that requires a lot of energy or its a no

Na Jaemin (5:21 PM)

I can come over!!!

lets watch a movie or smthing??

I’m bringing brownies :))))

Jeno accepts his fate with a deep sigh and a weird tingly feeling in his guts and texts Jaemin his address. He lazes around for a few more minutes before he realises that maybe he should at least put his laundry where it belongs. When he’s done with that he heads downstairs, finding his mum in the living room with her laptop.

‘Hey, is it alright if a friend comes over?’ Jeno asks. Please say no.

She smiles at him. ‘Sure. Is it Renjunie?’

‘Nah, you don’t know him.’

‘So you made a new friend?’

‘Why is everyone always so surprised by that?’

‘You know why.’ His mum laughs. ‘Introduce him to me later?’

‘Okay.’

Jeno absolutely doesn’t intend to do that, so he waits on the stairs, making sure he’ll be the first one at the door to intercept Jaemin and smuggle him into his room without his mum ever seeing him.

It’s for naught, though, because his mum shows up in the hallway as soon as the doorbell rings like some kind of benevolent ghost.

Jaemin smiles at Jeno, then at his mother. ‘Hello.’

‘This is Jaemin,’ Jeno says awkwardly.

Jaemin bows before offering a box of brownies to her.

She waves him off with a smile. ‘You boys have fun.’

Jaemin follows Jeno upstairs and into his room without a word and the silence makes Jeno feel double antsy. Jaemin looks around, regarding Jeno’s room the way Jeno had done with his last week, and then sits down on Jeno’s bed.

‘How do you feel about horror movies?’ he asks, a slow grin spreading on his face.

‘No,’ Jeno replies simply. ‘We’re not watching horror.’

‘What if we watch one of those really trashy ones? They are not even scary.’

Jeno has no better idea. ‘Fine.’

An hour later, Jeno has added the note ‘Do not under any circumstances trust Na Jaemin when choosing movies’ to a mental list of warnings. He’s not actually that jumpy and he’s mostly fine with horror but next to Jaemin it’s pretty clear which one of them is the scaredy cat. Jaemin sits through the scares without even batting an eye lash, laughing at Jeno when he jerks his shoulders up yet again and pulling him closer when Jeno hides behind a pillow out of embarrassment.

‘I hate you,’ Jeno says for the tenth time when it’s finally over. ‘I’m never doing this again. Get out of my house.’

Jaemin just laughs, rolling onto his side and clinging onto Jeno’s arm before he can push him off. It’s kind of weird how comfortable Jaemin got with him in such a short time and it throws Jeno off a little because he fails to keep up.

Now that Jeno doesn’t have the distraction of gross torture on a screen, it’s just Jaemin and him in a small room again. Jaemin is really warm and Jeno’s nerves aren’t helping. For some godforsaken reason he remembers all the rumours he’s heard about Jaemin and what Renjun said about him not being straight and Jeno hopes he doesn’t flush. It doesn’t matter. None of it matters. Jeno is straight and even if Jaemin isn’t, it won’t make a difference. There’s nothing weird about it.

Jaemin sighs contently. ‘This was fun and you know it. Thanks for letting me come over. Saved my evening.’

‘It was a one-time only thing, don’t get comfortable,’ Jeno says.

‘What if next time you choose the movie?’

‘What if I make you watch something really cheesy?’

Jaemin grins. ‘There’s no genre that I don’t like.’

Jeno rolls his eyes but can’t supress his laugh. ‘Whatever, get out.’

‘Oof, alright.’ Jaemin finally lets go of him and gets up.

Jeno’s mum shows up in the hallway again. ‘You’re not staying for dinner, Jaemin?’

‘No,’ Jeno says, and both his mum and Jaemin say, ‘Maybe next time.’

Group chat: Top Trio

Injunie (6:32 PM)

ugh debate was a mess today

how’s it going jeno?

…

???

Mochisung (7:01 PM)

lol he dead

Injunie (7:15 PM)

who knew jaemin had that kind of power

Jen (8:21 PM)

wtf

Injunie (8:22 PM)

oh he lives

how was it

Jen (8:22 PM)

remind me to never let na jaemin back into my house

Mochisung (8:22 PM)

oooooh

tell us everything

Injunie (8:22 PM)

you’re so dramatic

what happened

Jen (8:23 PM)

ok first of all

he made me watch a horror movie

Mochisung (8:23 PM)

lol I already love this

Jen (8:23 PM)

he said its not a scary one

‘’nOt a ScArY oNe’’

hint: it was scary

second of all hes clingy

like

REALLY clingy

I barely had space to breathe

and u know how I am with skinship from strangers

Injunie (8:24 PM)

bitch he’s not even a stranger anymore wtf

Jen (8:24 PM)

hes not a friend either !

anyways

so hes like super cuddly and stuff

Im there just minding my own business trying not to like

u know

scream

but boy is a fucking furnace

so now im sitting there

sweating like an animal

from fear and body heat

Injunie (8:24 PM)

HAHJAHAH

please continue this awk friendship I’m invested now

Jen (8:24 PM)

at this point I just want to die

Mochisung (8:24 PM)

wtf why this sounds fine to me

there are worse ppl to befriend than na jaemin

Injunie (8:25 PM)

^

did anything else happen

Jen (8:25 PM)

he gave me another bone crushing hug but

in front of MY MUM          

and yall never hug me goodbye so now she thinks hes my new bffl or smthing

she basically invited him for dinner next time he comes over

so now I have to make sure that never happens

Injunie (8:25 PM)

why is this funny

jeno trying to be social

I love it

Mochisung (8:25 PM)

petition to make jaemin bother jeno on the daily for our personal entertainment

Jen (8:25 PM)

Im never telling u anything ever again

also

are we just gonna ignore the fact that jisung went on a casual date with CHENLE

Mochisung (8:26 PM)

yes

Injunie (8:26 PM)

yes

Jen (8:26 PM)

I hate u

Injunie (8:36 PM)

<333

When Jeno goes to sleep that night, his sheets smell like Na Jaemin, all cotton and lemon grass and warmth.

If things didn’t really change before they certainly do now. It happens like this: Jaemin catches Jeno by the elbow when they’re leaving the classroom and asks, 'Can Chenle and I come sit with you at lunch?'

Jeno stares. 'You are asking me?'

'Stop treating me like a celebrity.'

'The whole school kind of thinks you are one.'

'Stooop. So can I?'

'If you can take Renjun’s social debates.'

Jaemin just grins and goes his ways.

‘What’s up, guys,’ Jaemin says, setting his tray down next to Jeno’s. Renjun meets his eyes across the table, supressing a laugh at Jeno’s expression.

Chenle squeezes himself next to Jisung before they exchange a complicated looking handshake.

Jeno can feel it: the shift of high school hierarchy. A good half of the student body currently having lunch in the cafeteria stare at his table as Na Jaemin and Zhong Chenle sit down with them. Jeno never cared much about the whole system but he can’t help but feel like there’s a magnifying glass on him now.

Jaemin bumps his shoulder against Jeno’s to get his attention before pointing at his sweet potato fries. ‘Are you done with those?’

‘Help yourself,’ Jeno says, pushing the tray towards him, and Jaemin flashes him a quick smile. Jeno can feel Renjun watching them and he’s sure they must look so comfortable with each other, Jaemin sitting so close to Jeno that he’s basically glued to his side. Jeno doesn’t bother looking back.

This happens a few times a week. Sometimes Jaemin will sit with Yukhei and his crowd, other times he’ll come to their table, always taking the spot next to Jeno. Most times he brings Chenle, sometimes Mark, which means Donghyuck shows up, too, and then the table gets really noisy. Occasionally other people stop by to say hi to Jaemin, kids like Kun and Jaehyun, who are usually too good to hang out with them.

It’s a little strange how well Jaemin clicks with all of them, especially Renjun who’s always a bit reserved when it comes to popular people.

Jeno always thought Jaemin was a bit more of a delinquent as according to the rumours but maybe they are just made up stories because surprisingly Jaemin keeps a lot to himself. He tells funny stories and talks a lot about nerd stuff and school but it doesn’t really get personal and Jeno wonders if any of the people who come by really care about him on that level. If there’s anyone Jaemin confides in because every high school student has worries and struggles, even when they are Na Jaemin.

Lee Jeno has them, too. He’s not too worried about his grades; he’s good at studying and doesn’t have to try very hard to keep them up. He’s not worried about soccer, either, even though the next match isn’t far away and the weather is still miserable.

He’s just a little worried about himself.

Lately he’s been feeling… off. Even Jisung noticed, asked him about it but Jeno didn’t have an answer.

He just has an inkling. That maybe this has something to do with Na Jaemin and certain things he unintentionally made Jeno think about.

But this inkling is too scary to be properly considered, so Jeno pushes it away, feeling worse every day. At some point he’s going to have to acknowledge it but it’s not today, or tomorrow, or anytime this week.

Maybe it will go away if he just waits long enough.

It’s another one of those breaks with Jaemin there, hanging onto Jeno’s shoulder. By now Jeno is mostly used to it, so he only looks up when Jaemin slams his hand on the table top.

‘Since it’s December, I’m thinking about throwing a New Year’s party,’ Jaemin says.

‘What do you mean, thinking?’ Chenle asks. ‘We all know you’re going to do it.’

‘Well, would you guys come?’ Jaemin asks into the round.

Jeno looks at Renjun and Jisung, exchanging a few quick glances. Ever since they were kids they celebrated New Year’s together. It made sense since their parents are friends, too. It’s a tradition of sorts.

Renjun shrugs. ‘We’d technically still celebrate together.’

‘I’m in,’ Jisung says with a suspicious side-glance to Chenle. Jeno just nods.

Jaemin grins, taking his other hand off Jeno’s shoulder. ‘I was also thinking of putting it under some kind of motto? I don’t know, I’m open for suggestions.’

‘Star Wars.’

‘Hm.’

‘Harry Potter?’

‘Better.’

‘Spongebob!’

‘What the hell, Chenle.’

Jeno zones out a little. He’s still not sure if Jaemin and he are friends now; it doesn’t quite feel like they are. Jaemin is always close to him in the physical sense but they only talk about trivial things if they talk at all. Usually Jeno just sits next to him and listens. There’s no real emotional connection. Jeno is not even sure if he would want that or if Jaemin wants that. Jaemin makes him feel weird all the time without being his friend, so maybe it’s better the way it is.

Na Jaemin (7:00 AM)

JENO

LOOK OUTSIDE

JENOOOO

jeno jeno jeno

j

e

n

o

Jeno (7:05 AM)

wtf

why are u awake

why am I awake

Na Jaemin (7:05 AM)

have u not looked outside!!!!

Jeno (7:08 AM)

wow some snow

I have never seen that stuff before

its not like this happens every winter or anything

..

Na Jaemin (7:08 AM)

:((((

aren’t u happy???

I mean

today is the first day of break 2!!

Jeno (7:08 AM)

indeed

which I intended on spending mostly asleep

but that plan is ruined now

Na Jaemin (7:09 AM)

well since its ruined,,,

u might as well come over

and build a snowman with me :))))

Jeno (7:09 AM)

im not coming over at 7 am wtf

Na Jaemin (7:09 AM)

no come over lateerrrr~

Jeno (7:09 AM)

I will answer this when I feel alive again

Na Jaemin (7:09 AM)

will the promise of hot choc w marshmallows help with the answering process

Jeno (7:10 AM)

shut up jaemin

Na Jaemin (7:10 AM)

<3

Jeno doesn’t text him again but Jaemin shows up in the afternoon anyway when most of the snow has already melted. He doesn’t look disappointed, though, cheeks bitten red from the cold, eyes bright. Jeno feels mildly embarrassed, opening the door still in his hippo pyjamas but Jaemin doesn’t even notice.

‘If we hurry we can still make like, a mini snowman,’ he says, gesturing over his shoulder. He’s so enthusiastic about it that Jeno forgets for a moment that he was having a bad day.

‘Uh, no,’ Jeno says.

Jaemin’s face falls a little. ‘What’s wrong?’

Jeno can’t hold Jaemin’s gaze, so he looks down at this socked feet instead, digging his toes into the tiles. He doesn’t know. He doesn’t want to know. He doesn’t want to think about it, just wants to sleep. ‘Nothing. You should ask Jisung if he wants to come out, he loves snow.’

‘Jeno, please close the door,’ Jeno’s mum calls from the living room. ‘Don’t let the cold in.’

Despite everything Jeno doesn’t have the heart to leave Jaemin standing outside, not when he came all the way here just because of some stupid snowman, so Jeno pulls him inside by the sleeve. Jaemin stays on the doormat, drying his shoes.

‘You can warm up here a little,’ Jeno says. ‘But I’m telling you I’m not… not a huge joy to be around today.’

Jaemin looks at Jeno with a soft expression Jeno’s never seen on him before. ‘I can leave if you want.’

‘It’s fine. Come on.’

Jaemin takes his shoes and coat off, revealing an extremely gross Christmas sweater and a small plastic bag. ‘I brought hot chocolate mix.’

Jeno smiles a little because that’s kind of cute and leads Jaemin to the kitchen. Jeno’s mum and Jaemin greet each other briefly when they pass the living room.

Jeno takes two mugs out of the cupboard, giving the one with Santa on it to Jaemin who’s filling the kettle with water.

‘Oh my god,’ Jaemin says, hesitating by the pin board on the wall.

Oh no. Jeno grabs Jaemin’s wrist, trying to drag him away before he can find the really embarrassing childhood photos that Jeno knows are on there, but Jaemin shakes him off.

‘Don’t look, you stalker,’ Jeno whines.
‘Oh my god, Jeno.’ Jaemin turns to him, pinching his cheeks with a wide grin before Jeno slaps his hands away. ‘You were so cute! You still look exactly the same when you laugh, oh my –‘

‘You’re cancelled. Get out. Bye forever.’ Jeno takes him by the shoulders and steers him backwards out of the kitchen but Jaemin pouts, eyes huge.

‘Finish the stupid hot chocolate,’ Jeno mutters, trying not to laugh, and lets him go.

They are halfway through their respective cups and Jaemin is talking about some science project he has to finish when the doorbell rings.

It’s Renjun.

Jeno opens the door with a raised eyebrow, ready to ask why he just comes over but Renjun’s faster.

‘Don’t you ever look at your phone?’ he complains, pushing Jeno out of the way. ‘Apparently not, but now I’m here, so deal with the consequences of not being addicted to technology like the rest of us. Wait. Are those your hippo pyjamas –’

Renjun hesitates, expression changing to one of surprise and Jeno knows Jaemin is standing in the hallway before he even turns around. For some reason Jeno feels like he’s been caught doing something forbidden.

‘It’s not my fault that he’s here,’ he says. ‘He just does what he wants.’

Renjun laughs and Jaemin grins back. ‘What are you guys up to?’

‘Drinking hot chocolate,’ Jaemin says. ‘You want some?’

‘Obviously.’

Jaemin leaves when his mother calls him, something about doing chores, and as soon as the door closes Jeno knows it’s coming.

‘What happened to never letting Na Jaemin into your house ever again?’ Renjun teases, grinning.

Jeno shrugs helplessly. ‘I didn’t want to but he had hot chocolate.’

‘So you guys are buddies now, huh?’

‘Did you just use ‘buddies’ unironically?’

‘Don’t distract.’

‘I guess. What about it? You were the one who told me to make new friends. Scared I’ll replace you?’

‘Hah. Never. Jaemin wishes he was on my level.’

Jeno loves Christmas. Even though all his family members are annoying individually, there’s something lovely about getting everyone together. On Christmas they all agree on keeping it civil for the sake of Jeno’s mostly deaf grandma and of course there’s food. Oh god, so much food. Jeno knows his coach is going to have a mental breakdown when the new term starts in January, being confronted with his team in bad shape and with several more kilos on the scales, but Jeno can’t say no to second helpings.

The days after the festivities are always kind of empty in comparison. No one really knows what to do with themselves but it doesn’t seem acceptable to meet friends or go out, either. Jeno just hangs out in the living room, watching music videos and dance practices on TV while his mum suggests choreos to learn. At some point his dad comes in, trying to imitate an especially difficult move, sending his mum into insane laughter and Jeno into a cringe.

It’s nice, though. It’s quiet, and Jeno likes it when it’s quiet. It snows again and this time there’s no Jaemin waking him up at seven am, it’s just a flurry of snowflakes swirling around his window, muting the neighbourhood with a thick blanket of white fluff, and he watches until his vision gets a little blurry.

It’s pretty and calm but still empty. He misses his friends a little. Renjun is visiting family in China, Jisung is still on ski holiday in the mountains and Donghyuck spends every waking second with Mark. Jeno doesn’t really know where Jaemin is. He never asked.

Now he’s reread every comic he owns, caught up on all the episodes of his favourite shows that he’d missed during school and ends up being bored to death one afternoon. He has nothing else to do and he guesses if Jaemin can show up uninvited Jeno can send a simple text.

Jeno (4:41 PM)

hey

Na Jaemin (4:43 PM)

hey!!

whats up?

Jeno (4:44 PM)

nothing much

did u have a nice xmas?

Na Jaemin (4:44 PM)

hell yeah

so much food

wby?

Jeno (4:44 PM)

same

wyd

Na Jaemin (4:46 PM)

dishes

can I call u??

Jeno (4:46 PM)

uh sure

A moment later, Jeno’s phone vibrates and he picks up. ‘Hey.’

‘Hi,’ Jaemin says. There’s the sound of running water in the background. ‘Sorry, it’s just easier for me to talk like this.’

‘Yeah, it’s fine.’

‘So. How was Christmas? Any funny stories to tell?’

‘Not really,’ Jeno says. For some reason talking to Jaemin on the phone makes it impossible to stay still, so he starts pacing his room. ‘It was a pretty average Christmas with the average drama, nothing special. What about you?’

Jaemin goes off. It’s like he was waiting for someone to ask him for this; he gives Jeno a very detailed explanation of some feud two of his aunts have with each other and Jeno laughs so hard at his narration that he has to sit back down.

Half an hour later, Jaemin takes a deep breath, says, ‘So yeah, that was my Christmas,’ and Jeno snickers again.

‘Hey, I was wondering,’ Jaemin says. ‘I could use some help getting the house ready for the party and since you always offer… would you mind? Coming over a bit earlier? Bring Renjun and Jisung if you want and then we can pregame a little.’

‘Sure,’ Jeno says without thinking.

‘Cool. Well, I got to go now, but see you Monday then!’

‘Alright.’

Group Chat: Top Trio

Injunie (11:37 PM)

what is up sluts I’m back in town

and significantly richer

and in possession of a nintendo switch ;)

Mochijung (11:38 PM)

when will my parents ever

Injunie (11:38 PM)

maybe when you stop being a brat

I’ll generously share my present with you guys tho

you are welcome

Jen (11:38 PM)

welcome back

its hella boring here so we should hang out at juns I guess

also

jaemin asks if we wanna come over earlier on monday to help and pregame

Injunie (11:39 PM)

ok wtf

pregame??

does he know we’re in high school not college

boy needs to calm tf down

Mochijung (11:39 PM)

idgi

does he want us to help or pregame

he should know that we cant do both

Jen (11:39 PM)

u guys are useless

should I say no then??

Injunie (11:39 PM)

are you gonna go?

Jen (11:39 PM)

I guess

someone needs to help

Injunie (11:39 PM)

hah

that’s cute

Mochisung (11:40 PM)

Ill pass

Jen (11:40 PM)

disappointed but not surprised

Injunie (11:40 PM)

guess you’ll be alone with na jaemin~~~

Jen (11:40 PM)

what are u insinuating

get rid of those gross wiggly lines

Mochisung (11:40 PM)

jaemin makes u nervous

its fun to watch

so pls update us when u embarrass urself

Jen (11:40 PM)

go to hell

one day Ill find out wth is going on with u and chenle and then u will be the one suffering

Mochisung (11:41 PM)

or maybe not

becuz im not that dysfunctional

Injunie (11:41 PM)

boiii

Jen (11:41 PM)

I hate this fucking family

The worst thing about this is that Jisung is right.

There’s something about being in a house before the party starts. Jeno feels the anticipation in the air like static on his skin, the calm before the storm.

He likes it despite the hint of stress. Jaemin keeps running up and down the stairs, flashing Jeno tight smiles whenever he passes while Jeno stands in the kitchen and prepares bottles, cups and snacks.

Jeno thought Jaemin would have invited some of his friends to help, too, but when he showed up it was just the two of them. When Jeno had asked him about it Jaemin had just shrugged and said, ‘All my friends are useless.’ Then he’d smiled, winked at Jeno and added, ‘Everyone except you.’

Jeno had blushed and laughed it off, busying himself after this.

Now it’s almost time for the people to show up. The darkness outside is pressing against the windows, making the inside of the house seem smaller but also brighter. There are fairy lights in almost every room and music is already playing, some kind of mix from the recent years. Jaemin’s parents had bid their goodbyes a while ago to go to a party in the neighbourhood.

Jaemin saunters into the room. He changed into a dark grey button-down that looks a little silvery, like satin, three open buttons revealing a bit of his sharp collarbones. He looks good, as always, and he grins at Jeno like he knows it. ‘Thanks for helping.’

‘You’re welcome.’ Jeno has to look away and hesitates a little. ‘Can I ask you something?’

‘Sure.’

‘Why do you always hang out with me when you have so many friends that are cooler?’

Jaemin laughs a little but it’s not condescending. ‘A lot of my friends are like, really noisy. You’re kind of quiet and I like that. Makes me feel like I don’t have to try so hard, you know? Also they’re definitely not cooler than you.’

‘Oh. Really?’

‘I think you’re pretty good company, Jeno.’

Maybe it’s the way he says his name but Jeno feels his ears heat up. ‘Uh. Thanks.’

‘Want a drink?’

‘I’ll wait for the others.’

Jaemin doesn’t answer, just pours himself something that he chugs down in one go, making a face right after. ‘Let’s get started.’

Jeno misses the point where things get going. It’s like one moment it was just Jaemin and him standing in the kitchen and the next it’s Renjun yelling something at Jisung, who’s dancing and shouting in the midst of the small crowd. Everything is noise and lights and scents, the alcohol coiling through Jeno’s system like a warm snake, but there’s an edge to it. Some sort of anxiety, an itch he can’t reach, and it makes him jumpy. He can’t relax, not even when Renjun drags him away from the makeshift dance floor to get snacks.

‘What’s up with you?’ Renjun asks eventually and Jeno shrugs.

‘I think I need another drink.’

‘Eat something first or you’ll be sick later. Did Jaemin say anything weird?’

‘No, it’s nothing.’ It’s nothing. It’s just a weird mix of feelings, the same feelings that have haunted Jeno for a while now, except he thinks he finally knows what they mean. Except that can’t be it, it has to be something else because this – this just can’t happen. Not to Jeno, anyway.

‘Come on, then,’ Renjun says and Jeno follows him to the kitchen. It’s crowded in here and so different from when Jeno was here just an hour ago that he feels like he’s suffocating. They have to fight to get to the counter and Renjun mixes Jeno a drink, probably to make sure it’s not too strong. It’s a pity, really. All Jeno wants to do is mute this fear and pass out.

Jeno doesn’t know what time it is, just that it’s after midnight. He’d watched the fireworks in the garden, Renjun and Jisung on each side of him, laughing and hugging him under a shower of lights, and he’d been happy then but that was a while ago.

He’s not sure if he really cares right now, though, because he’s standing in Jaemin’s front yard, just trying to breathe. Renjun and Jisung are somewhere talking to Chenle and some other Chinese kids and Jeno had excused himself to get some fresh air, feeling his chest get tight and then tighter.

Now he’s here, his lungs on fire.

It’s really fucking cold outside. Jeno sees every laboured breath in front of him as a cloud of white and there are goose bumps all the way up his arms but he doesn’t feel it. He’s too drunk to feel it, too drunk to feel anything except this strange, strange fear.

It’s not really fear, though. Just worry. He’s a little bit worried, that’s all. It has to be all.

Jeno hasn’t stopped thinking about it since that time Renjun said Jaemin might not be straight. But it’s not Jaemin Jeno’s thinking of, it’s himself.

It’s okay to not be straight, Jeno knows. It’s okay for other people to feel like that. But for him? It really isn’t. It has never been about him, he’s never even had to think about it but now here he is, outside all by himself because he couldn’t look at Na Jaemin when he was dancing because it made him feel so strange that he choked on nothing. It makes him question everything and Jeno wants to curse Jaemin for it, wants to blame him for all the things that are wrong with Jeno now because of him.

But it’s not really Jaemin’s fault. He just opened Jeno’s eyes for a new possibility. And nothing has to change, right? Isn’t that what everyone says? Jeno is still Jeno and he still likes girls. That’s fine. He can just – he will just ignore this part of him. Not being straight is for other people, not him. Jeno is the guy who’s good at soccer, the one who hates math and sits with the creative kids and sometimes with the Na Jaemin squad. He’s the guy who helps at parties and loves cats and keeps to himself.

He’s not someone who mopes around in other people’s yards and panics about liking boys. He won’t be that someone.

Right?

‘Oi, Jeno!’

Jeno turns around to see Donghyuck walking over to him, holding out a solo cup for him to take.

‘The hell are you doing out here?’ Donghyuck asks, sipping his own drink. His cheeks are flushed from alcohol but he looks steady and alive with joy. ‘Thought I’d rather find you on the dance floor. You look like trash, though.’

‘Maybe later. I need some air,’ Jeno says.

They are quiet for a moment. Sometimes Jeno forgets that even Donghyuck can be calm and thoughtful. Ever since Mark happened they haven’t hung out as much with each other, but Donghyuck is still one of Jeno’s close friends, and also the bravest one. He’s always ready to execute whatever ridiculous idea Jisung comes up with, always unapologetic about what he considers right, and Jeno thinks he fits in well with Jaemin. In comparison, Mark is kind of lame but Mark is also the person who keeps Donghyuck on the ground, who calls him ‘full sun’, who makes Donghyuck pause and think. It’s nice to see sometimes, when they’re not being gross. It must be cool to have something like that.

Donghyuck frowns at Jeno. ‘Bro, are you okay?’

‘I don’t know,’ Jeno whispers. No, he isn’t. He wants to say it out loud once, feel the syllables on his tongue, figure out if anything at all would be different. Maybe it needs to be different for it to get better, or to go away. Maybe it’s a phase. Maybe it’s not real. Maybe –

But it feels so real. Jeno’s heart is hammering in his ears now. It feels so real and Jeno’s terrified –

‘Hey,’ Donghyuck says carefully, putting a warm hand on Jeno’s shoulder. ‘It’s okay.’

‘Can – can I tell you something?’ Jeno asks.

Donghyuck squints at him. ‘You didn’t murder anyone, did you?’

‘No, I – what the hell?’

‘What is it?’

I don’t know, I don’t know, I think something is wrong with me, but I don’t know. ‘I, uh… how – how did you figure out that you’re gay?’

Donghyuck’s eyebrows vanish under his red fringe. ‘Uh, I just always knew, I guess? I never had any crushes on girls like the others, so… hang on. Why are you asking?’

‘Maybe…’ Jeno says, looking down at the gravel. It crunches under his feet when he shifts his weight and he tries to focus on that instead of the swirl of feelings inside him. ‘I don’t know. I think I might be, like… not straight? I don’t know.’

There’s a short silence in which Jeno almost dies before Donghyuck throws his head back and breaks into uninhibited laughter, so loud and sudden that Jeno flinches.

‘You?’ Donghyuck wheezes. ‘Into guys? Jeno, my dude, you’re as straight as they come.’

Jeno doesn’t know what he expected. Some understanding, perhaps. Some calming words. A little sympathy.

But this is Donghyuck, Jeno thinks, trying to suppress the bitter disappointment filling his chest, the hurt. This is Donghyuck and Mark isn’t here to make him think, isn’t here to remind him that some jokes aren’t funny.

Donghyuck slaps Jeno’s shoulder twice, taking a breath. ‘You poor bastard. But don’t you worry, you’ll be sober again in no time. Catch you later, Jeno.’ He vanishes back inside, still laughing, and leaves Jeno outside in the cold.

Jeno drinks more. He’ll hate himself tomorrow but he hates himself right now, too, so what does it matter? It hurts what Donghyuck said, but maybe he’s right. Maybe Jeno’s just confused but this is a new year and he might as well start it by being dead on his feet.

He finds himself in some office room after trying to avoid his friends and sits down on the couch. The black leather is cool to the touch but it’s smooth and nice and Jeno runs his fingers over the arm rest until he feels a little calmer.

He kind of wants to cry.

It had taken a lot of courage, courage Jeno doesn’t usually possess, to say it out loud. And then he got shot down like that, like it wasn’t even a possibility, like Jeno himself hadn’t been so scared of the answer that he couldn’t even think about it for the past few weeks.

But Jeno can only pretend for so long. The moment he said it out loud he knew it was true and it frightened him and then Donghyuck –

He sniffles, looking down at his hands. They haven’t stopped shaking since Donghyuck left and he’s too drunk to keep control of this. This feeling. It’s coming to the surface more and more and Jeno doesn’t know how to handle it. Anxiety is still crawling through his veins and he’s trying so hard to keep it in but if something sets it off –

The door opens and Jeno startles.

It’s Jaemin. Jeno doesn’t want to see him right now but at the same time he kind of wants to look at him forever. It’s his stupid shirt and his stupid hair and his stupid, stupid face.

‘Here you are,’ Jaemin says. ‘We’re all meeting in the living room in ten minutes for a round of truth or – hey, are you okay? Jeno.’

Jeno is too drunk to even pretend, too drunk to push Jaemin away when he sits down next to him. Jeno can smell the alcohol on his breath when he leans in, can smell his sweat and his body spray that always reminds Jeno of spring. Because Jaemin is a bright person. So bright.

‘What happened?’

‘Nothing, I just…’ Jeno squeezes his eyes shut. Everything is spinning. He can feel Jaemin’s hand on his knee, his thumb running smooth circles over the top. Jeno exhales and the words come tumbling out along with his breath, rushed and slurred. ‘You know when you have a secret and you want to tell people but you’re scared of their reaction? And you think well, these are my friends, I can tell them anything, right? So you do but they just, they make fun of you or something and then you wanna hide forever.’

'Oh, baby…’ Jaemin hugs Jeno to his chest and the thread Jeno was holding on to a moment ago snaps completely. He can’t help it, can’t hold the tears back no matter how embarrassing this is, because he’s drunk and hurt and Jaemin is so, so good at hugs.

Jeno can’t tell how long it takes for him to calm down. It might be hours or minutes but it’s not like it matters.

'Who was it?’ Jaemin asks softly. ‘I’ll fight them. You know your feelings are valid and if your friends don’t see that maybe you should get new ones.'

Jeno wipes his face with his sleeve, trying to get it together a little. 'I just – this was hard for me. Is hard for me. But Hyuck, he talks a lot of shit, you know, and sometimes doesn’t notice when he goes too far.'

'I’m sorry. Do you want me to get Renjun?'

'No, I just... you like boys, right?'

Jaemin’s body language changes and he looks defensive suddenly. 'Why are you asking?'

Jeno can’t stop now. He’s gone this far, has said so much, and it doesn’t matter that this is Jaemin and that they are just barely friends and that Jeno thinks he’s stunning. ‘Because I thought you’d understand. I mean, you had to figure it out at some point, right? And I just, I thought I knew but then Hyuck said I’m as straight as they come and now I don’t fucking know anything anymore, I just want this to stop. I’m so confused all the time, it’s like I don’t even know who I am anymore, I only know who people want me to be but it’s different and just – nothing fits. I just feel wrong literally all the time but I can’t tell anyone because they’ll be like Hyuck and won’t believe me or something…'

Jeno takes a stuttering breath while Jaemin squeezes his hand. This feels good and bad at once. Freeing, somehow, no matter what Jaemin is going to say. Jeno can’t look at him but he feels lighter, emptier, more certain. This is right. This is what he’s been suppressing. It cuts him up from the inside and bleeds him out but it’s the truth.

'Hey, it’s okay. Hyuck only knows you from the outside. The external you, if you will. Only you know yourself and your feelings from the inside, you see? And whatever it is that you feel, or for whomever, there is nothing wrong with that. Are you listening? This is the really important bit.’ Jaemin puts a finger under Jeno’s chin until Jeno looks up at him. His eyes are dark and sincere and Jeno almost looks away again, suddenly flustered. ‘There is not a single thing wrong with you, no matter who you like. Okay? That’s all that matters. You don’t need other people to confirm this for you. Sometimes it’s hard to figure that out all by yourself so like, this is safe with me. Okay?’

Jeno nods and Jaemin smiles a little. ‘Okay. So. You think you’re not straight, huh? That’s cool. It might take you a while to like, fully realise it but it’s fine. I mean, I know what that’s like. Just – just don’t suppress it. Like, let yourself feel things. That’s also really important.'

It’s all a little overwhelming and Jaemin swipes some stray tears off Jeno’s cheeks. The touch burns on his skin but Jeno doesn’t want him to let go.

'Thank you,’ he breathes. ‘Really. I don’t know – this is weird. I’m sorry if you think this is weird or something. You’re so nice.'

Jaemin laughs. 'It’s nothing. Lots of people come to me with their struggles.'

'Hm… everybody's buddy, nobody's bestie.'

'Huh?'

'Another rumour about you.'

'Oh. Well, I’m more than just my rumours. You okay now?'

'I think – I think I should go home.’

'You sure? Do you have anyone who can pick you up?'

Jeno shakes his head. ‘I can walk.'

'You’re drunk, you’ll get lost. I’ll get Renjun to walk with you.'

A surge of panic ignites in Jeno’s belly. ‘No, please, he’ll ask why I cried and I – I don’t wanna lie or anything but I don’t wanna tell him either, I just, I can’t right now –‘

'Hey, it’s okay. I’ll walk you.'

'Huh? But your party.'

'They’ll be fine, Mark can take care of things for twenty minutes.'

Jaemin gets up and offers Jeno his hand. He takes it.

Group Chat: Top Trio

Jen (2:01 AM)

in case ur wondreing

im home

dw

Injunie (3:16 AM)

Jeno where u @

oh nvm

u ok?

ttyl

tmr

Injunie (1:34 PM)

ok I have survived

how are you guys

Mochisung (1:44 PM)

I want death

kill me

my HEAD

Injunie (1:45 PM)

you should have listened to me

Mochisung (1:45 PM)

fuck off

Jen (1:46 PM)

unfortunately I am awake

Mochisung (1:46 PM)

where the hell did u go yesterday

renjun had to be my dance buddy and it was embarrassing

Injunie (1:46 PM)

shut up brat

I fucking killed that blackpink song and you know it

also we played truth or dare

you missed out on some shit that I can’t really remember rn

why did you leave so early :(((

Jen (1:47 PM)

I was feeling kinda off all evening

then after fireworks it got worse

so jaemin walked me home

Injunie (1:48 PM)

he what now

Mochisung (1:48 PM)

thats boyfriend culture

Injunie (1:49 PM)

why didn’t you just tell us we would have gone with you :(

Jen (1:49 PM)

u guys were having fun I didnt wanna bother

Mochisung (1:50 PM)

he ditched his own party to walk a drunk idiot home im….

Jen (1:50 PM)

unlike SOME people he is nice

Mochisung (1:51 PM)

its too early to be attacked like that

Injunie (1:52 PM)

the real question is

are you feeling ok now?

you guys should come over later to hang out

remember that switch I got?

yeah

Mochisung (1:52 PM)

cant say no to that

Jen (1:53 PM)

Im in

Na Jaemin (5:40 PM)

hey

r u feeling better?

I forgot to say this yesterday but pls don’t tell anyone im gay ok

Im not like ashamed or anything

but u know~

ppl talk a lot

Jeno (5:44 PM)

oh yeah ok

its not my thing to tell anyway

Na Jaemin (5:44 PM)

cool thx!!

I also wanted to say this

if u ever like wanna talk about it or something but dont wanna tell ur friends

u can talk to me

I know its hard and stuff

and I can keep secrets

just so u know~

Jeno (5:45 PM)

oh

thank u

‘Who are you texting?’ Renjun asks and takes Jeno’s phone away, throwing it on the bed behind him. ‘Focus on the task at hand.’

‘The task at hand’ is trying to beat Jisung at 1-2-Switch, at least for Renjun. Jeno had been more occupied with laughing at them and eating as many Cheetos as he could before Jaemin texted him.

‘Jaemin,’ Jeno tells them now, picking crumps off his hoodie.

‘He’s checking on you?’ Renjun asks.

‘Yeah.’

‘What kind of soft shit,’ Jisung mumbles without taking his eyes off the TV. ‘When will Chenle ever.’

‘Uh, excuse me, what?’ Renjun says.

Jisung’s mouth forms a straight line, regret clear on his face. Renjun inches closer. ‘Please elaborate.’

‘I told you it was a date!’ Jeno exclaims. ‘That movie thing!’

‘It’s not like that,’ Jisung mumbles quietly and his tone is already more of a confession than anything he could have said.

Renjun wrestles the controller out of his hands (it takes some help from Jeno) and pushes Jisung back against the couch. ‘Tell us what it’s like then. Aren’t you too young to be dating?’

‘I’m sixteen,’ Jisung says. ‘And I’m not dating anyone.’

‘But you want to.’

‘Isn’t that normal?’

‘But you want to date Chenle.’

‘…maybe.’

‘Oh my god, that’s so cute,’ Jeno says and Jisung weakly tries to push him off when he squishes his cheeks. Both Jeno and Renjun spend a good two minutes with squealing and getting excited.

‘Have you like, properly asked him out yet?’ Renjun asks.

‘No.’

‘Why not?’

Jisung sighs exasperatedly. ‘Because that’s some nerve-wracking shit, man. He can do it, too!’

‘But will he? I don’t know. Maybe you should be a little braver,’ Renjun says.

‘This is so precious.’

‘Shut up, Jeno.’

‘But it is!’

Jisung refuses to say more about it, so eventually they go back to finishing their game. Jeno keeps thinking about it, though. Jisung has never mentioned any boy crushes before but he doesn’t seem to be freaking out like Jeno. So maybe he’s like Donghyuck and has always known, just never bothered to tell anyone.

Maybe that means this can be okay for Jeno, too. Maybe this is normal and he just has to get through it somehow.

Walking across school property with Na Jaemin is kind of like parkour except the obstacles are people and Jeno's the only one trying to avoid them. Jaemin talks to everyone who greets him, which is literally every second person and Jeno is starting to regret this. A small group of upperclassmen stop to speak to Jaemin for a while, and Jaemin laughs, exchanges those dude-bro handshake shoulder-slap thingies that Jeno never understood, and generally doesn't make any attempt to move quicker.

And that would be fine but Jeno is too awkward for this kind of thing and he has places to be, always standing half a step behind Jaemin and waving when Jaemin introduces him. The conversation never sticks, though. Jeno isn’t shy but he just doesn’t talk much. He’s more of the quiet type, the kind that sits in a group and listens instead of participates.

People know Jaemin and Jaemin knows everyone, too, but it's always the same kind of thing; were you at so-and-so's party, did you see this MV, how's dance practice going. Never anything personal. And Jaemin gives it right back at them and Jeno wonders who of those people actually know Jaemin properly.

Jaemin finally bids goodbye with a 'we should catch up soon, Ten!' and then his attention is back on Jeno. Jeno feels it on his skin like a blast of warmth.

'How do you deal with all those people?' he asks before Jaemin can tease him. Jeno knows he wants to; he's seen the mischievous glint in his eyes before.

'I love people,' Jaemin says. It's such a simple answer but it’s so obvious, too; of course Jaemin loves people. He loves everyone. He hugs everyone, asks everyone about their passions, gets them talking and makes them laugh.

Jeno just thinks people are exhausting, with few exceptions.

They finally reach the coffee shop. Jeno can't believe it took them half an hour to get here when it's literally three minutes away from the school exit but then again, he doesn't usually go to places with Jaemin as company.

Actually, he didn't expect to go anywhere with him like this ever but Jaemin caught him after class with a 'wanna go grab a drink with me?' and Jeno, well. He didn't have anything better to do and Jaemin seemed so excited. So now he's here, ordering himself a hot chocolate and reaching for his wallet until Jaemin grabs his wrist to stop him.

'My treat,' he says easily and Jeno feels a little queasy at that. He's not sure why; Jaemin is nice and has money, that's all.

They find a small table at the back, next to the window. It's already getting dark outside and it's cosy and nice in here but Jeno feels tense. He's still not used to this whole hanging out with Na Jaemin thing, especially now that Jaemin knows things about him, and the table is too tiny for two grown boys like them. Jaemin keeps bumping his leg against Jeno’s, warm even through the layers of denim.

'So,' Jaemin says, sipping on his tea and blinking up at Jeno. 'Are you still freaking out about it?'

Jeno figures 'it' refers to him being not straight and the fact that Jaemin wants to talk about that makes his face heat up faster than can be healthy. He's not sure what to say, either; it's barely been a week and Jeno's been thinking about it every free second. (There had been a lot of free seconds. Winter break has just ended, after all.)

He's also been thinking a lot about Jaemin and why Jeno had that revelation then of all times and he's been thinking about how Jaemin is so impossibly bright and kind and generally sort of perfect. He's been thinking about watching him dance as a magician, the glitter on his cheekbones making his skin glow like a small milky way and Jeno just – he's definitely still freaking out.

But he can't very well tell Jaemin all of this.

'Not as much,' Jeno says.

'Are you going to tell your friends? I mean, do you want to?'

'Maybe. I don’t think they would like, be shitty about it or anything but it's just...' Jeno trails off. What exactly is it? Why can't he tell Renjun? Especially after Renjun was so unfazed by whatever’s going on between Jisung and Chenle. Which means Jisung wouldn't mind, either. Then again, Donghyuck has a freaking boyfriend and still reacted the way he did.

'You just figured it out for yourself,' Jaemin says. 'I guess it still feels new and important and you think it will be important to others, too, but really, it's just another thing. No one really cares anymore, not in the way you think they do.'

'Does it feel important to you?' Jeno asks.

Jaemin is quiet and for a moment Jeno thinks he's going to get shot down.

'Yeah, sort of,' Jaemin admits.

'Is that why you won't tell anyone?'

'I like my reputation as it is,' Jaemin says. 'I mean, I know it sounds like I'm a coward and maybe I am but like... I'm fine like this, I don't really feel the need to tell anyone.'

Then why did you tell me, Jeno wants to ask but he doesn't. Technically, Jaemin didn't tell him. Jeno simply assumed and Jaemin confirmed.

'So obviously you don't owe anybody anything and can keep it to yourself forever if you want to,' Jaemin says hurriedly, like he's scared that Jeno is going to judge him.

'I know,' Jeno says. 'I will probably tell Renjun... soon. I was just wondering…'

'Wondering what?'

Jeno worries at his bottom lip. 'Why are you so nice to me about this? It's not like your responsibility or anything and you're not... out yourself, so...'

'I just don't want you to feel bad,' Jaemin says. Jeno glances up and Jaemin looks so serious, holding Jeno's gaze like this is something really important. Maybe it is, to him. 'It's really hard for some people to, to realise this kind of thing. And not everyone handles it well, so I just – I want to make sure.'

Jaemin reaches across the table and takes Jeno's hand. His skin is cold from holding the cup because for some unknown reason Jaemin had ordered iced tea even in the midst of this freezing January afternoon. 'I just don't want the same thing happen to you.'

'The same thing?'

'Yeah.' Jaemin looks away but he doesn't let go of Jeno's hand. 'I didn't really... take it well, you know. I was kind of a dick before I got it together.'

'Oh.' That's probably the most personal thing Jaemin's ever told him. The moment feels fragile, like Jaemin will pull back if Jeno says the wrong thing now but Jeno doesn't know what to say at all.

'Sorry,' Jaemin says with a nonchalant laugh, taking his hand back, and Jeno wants to slap himself. 'I probably –‘

'No!' Jeno clears his throat. 'I mean – no, I – thank you. For, like, telling me. And listening. You know you can talk to me, too, right? I don't know how good my advice skills are but I can listen.'

'Oh. That’s cool. It’s another thing, really, because I don’t usually get to talk about… this stuff. So it’s nice.’

They look at each other for a moment and Jeno feels strange, like someone's pulling him from both ends and pressing him together at the same time.

‘Okay. So,' Jaemin says and grabs his tea. ‘Have you started that Lit essay?'

Just like that, the weird feeling is gone and Jaemin is back to the one everyone knows: breezy, funny, smart-mouthed. They talk and talk and Jeno doesn't even realise at which point he stops being stressed.

Spending time with Jaemin alone is actually pretty nice. Maybe it’s because Jaemin fills the silences and makes decisions when Jeno gets insecure. Maybe it’s because Jaemin is the only person who knows about Jeno’s secret and it makes him feel like he can be more open. Jaemin is different one on one, easier somehow, like he doesn’t hide behind this persona the way he does during lunch sometimes. He seems less cheerful but more sincere. It’s good.

Jeno doesn’t know how Jaemin views this though. Maybe he’s always like this when alone with someone. He probably is since he’s friends with everyone.

Or maybe Jaemin likes spending time with him, too. (Jeno really hopes he does.)

'Hey, Jeno, did you hear?' Renjun asks with a very suspicious smile when he sets his tray down on the table. 'There's a rumour about Jaemin and you.'

Jeno stops the pasta-filled spoon that was on the way to his mouth and puts it back down on his plate. ‘Excuse me?'

'Mhm. People saw you at the coffee shop yesterday. So now there's two versions: the first one is that you're trying to get with the popular kids and use Jaemin for clout.' A smirk appears on Renjun's face. 'The other is that you were on a date.'

Jeno's stunned into silence for a whole four seconds. 'For clout. What am I, a B-rated celebrity? What the fuck?'

'Is that really what you're focussing on?'

It is not. Jeno’s fucking terrified. 'It obviously wasn't a date, everyone knows that.'

'People are saying you held hands.' Renjun raises his eyebrows in the did you or didn't you kind of way and Jeno shakes his head.

'It wasn't a date. And even if he held my hand it wouldn't necessarily mean anything because he does that with literally everyone.'

'So he did!'

Jeno groans. 'And what about it?'

'I don't know, I just think it's cute. It's kind of funny with the rumour, too, since like, everyone thinks you're straight.'

Jeno freezes up. Thinks. Everyone thinks he's straight. Does Renjun know? He knew about Jaemin, too, when literally no one else does.

'Jeno?'

He could just tell him now. It would be easy. It should be easy. This is just Renjun, Jeno's best friend of about one hundred years, who watches Rupaul's Drag Race whenever he has nothing else to do. Renjun, who gives dating advice to Jisung despite never having been in a relationship and kicks Jeno's ass like no one else even though he’s shorter and slighter. Really, he should have been the first person Jeno confessed this to, not Jaemin out of everyone.

'Okay, about that...' Jeno starts, feeling the blush creep down all the way to his collarbones. He doesn't get any more words in because then Renjun's leaning across the table, slapping the shit out of Jeno's chest, sending his spoon skidding across the table.

'Oh my god,' Renjun exclaims. 'Oh my god, Jeno! I fucking knew it!'

'You knew – wait.‘

'I did my waiting! Twelve years of it! In Azkaban! I have predicted –‘

'Renjun, keep it down, for fuck's sake!'

To Jeno's surprise, Renjun settles back into his seat, eyes gleaming with a worrying amount of glee. 'So you were gonna tell me you're into boys, right?'

'Yeah,' Jeno breathes. Renjun's enthusiasm is both overwhelming and infectious. 'But I still like girls –‘

'That's cool,' Renjun says. 'Now I can finally rename the group chat to the rainbow squad. The queers and Jeno just doesn't sound as nice.'

'What...?'

'You know about Jisung, right? I mean, with Chenle. And I'm ace, so yeah.' Renjun grins while Jeno just stares.

'This is crazy,' he says weakly.

'If you mean crazy as in amazing, then yeah. Seriously, I'm glad you told me. I’m proud of you.' Jeno can pinpoint the exact moment Renjun's eyes zero in on him. 'Wait. For how long have you known? How have you known? Oh my god, it was a date!'

'It wasn't! This has nothing to do with Jaemin! I just – kind of realised it gradually? You know... looking at, uh... people and stuff.'

'Who did you look at? Was it Na Jaemin?'

Jeno whines. 'Renjun.'

'I'm just teasing you.' Renjun laughs and slaps the table top. ‘Jaemin’s too mainstream for you anyway, edgelord.’

Maybe Jeno should have told him that he was right but there are only so many secrets he's willing to spill in one sitting.

Jeno (10:33 PM)

I told Renjun today

Na Jaemin (10:34 PM)

BOIII give me a warning!!!

what did he say??

Jeno (10:34 PM)

he said he already knew

hes weird like that i guess

but hes cool with it

Na Jaemin (10:35 PM)

aaaaah thats so cool!!!!!!!!

im happy for u!!!

Jeno (10:35 PM)

jgjgjfjh i thought id die right there

but its ok

soz im kinda unloading this on u im like

rlly hyper rn

Na Jaemin (10:36 PM)

nooo im always here for shit like this!!

im proud of u

tell me everything

Jeno (10:36 PM)

are u sure this might be gross

like cheesy gross not smth else lmao

Na Jaemin (10:37 PM)

u had me worried for a second

but no i mean it

t e l l  m e

Jeno (10:37 PM)

ok ok

u know renjun is like my best friend since forever

so i knew he wasnt gonna like be weird about it

but cuz hes my best friend i was just extra worried

cuz his opinion is important to me and all that

but he was so nice about it

and u are too and that rlly helps cuz this srsly worried me

tbh it still does but i feel better now

idk im just glad to have people like that in my life i guess

so thanks

oh god that was gross

whatever its late im emotional dont touch me

Na Jaemin (10:39 PM)

omfg

thats so cute im

if i was there id hug u now so guess what happens tomorrow first thing i see u~

im gonna hug u so hard u wont know what hit u

Jeno (10:39 PM)

uuuh

that sounds like a threat

Na Jaemin (10:40 PM)

:)

Jeno (10:40 PM)

marty im scared

Na Jaemin (10:40 PM)

i cant believe u just used that

blocked and reported

Jeno (10:41 PM)

desperate times call for desperate measures

Na Jaemin (10:41 PM)

shut up and go to sleep

so i can hUG YOU FASTER

Jeno (10:42 PM)

ugh

Na Jaemin (10:42 PM)

u act like u dont love it

:((

Jeno (10:42 PM)

do what u must

goodnight!!

Na Jaemin (10:42 PM)

:)))

goodnight~

Jaemin keeps his word the next morning. They are in front of the class room, waiting for their teacher, and Jaemin doesn't seem to care that everyone is staring when he tackles Jeno into a bear hug. Jeno's not even sure what to think about this himself, but that might have to do with the fact that it’s first period and he's nowhere near awake.

It's nice, though. Like always, Jaemin is warm and he doesn't let go for a long time and maybe Jeno presses his face into the soft fabric of Jaemin’s hoodie just to be closer.

Maybe he thinks about how he doesn’t want Jaemin to let go.

Jeno has been staring at his ceiling for a good forty minutes now.

He's been collecting evidence. About things. Concerning Na Jaemin.

Because really, it's so glaringly obvious. Has been obvious. Except that Jeno didn't have the freedom to think about it before, not like that. But he has now and it's terrifying at best, the thought that maybe, just maybe (definitely) he has a small crush on Jaemin. Maybe he wants to do things like hold his hand and hug him and watch him dance again. Maybe he even wants to kiss him but the idea alone flusters Jeno so much he doesn't think he'd be able to even if he had the chance.

Which is another thing. Knowing Jaemin likes boys is crucial information but not much else. Because Jaemin is Jaemin and Jeno is still just Jeno, and also Jaemin doesn't seem to be interested in dating. Or maybe he is, but keeps it a secret. Or maybe he’s dating someone from a different school. Even if he isn't, he wouldn't go for someone like Jeno. Right?

But Jeno wishes he would. Jaemin always seems to know what he's doing and Jeno really doesn't, so it would be a pretty good match, Jeno thinks. He needs someone else to be the brave one and Jaemin is brave in a lot of ways. Brave without ever being stupid. Loud and noisy but never too much. And bright.

‘Let yourself feel things,’ Jaemin had said.

Jeno rolls onto his belly, pressing his face against the cool side of his pillow. He can’t believe this is happening. The logical conclusion would be to tell Renjun and get advice on this but that always comes with endless teasing and side glances and remarks and Jeno doesn't know if he can handle that this time.

Maybe the other solution would be to just ignore it and hope it goes away. The chances of that happening are pretty slim, though, because now Jaemin is his actual friend and Jeno won't just cut the friendship. And Jaemin is, well, Jaemin.

Jeno sighs heavily, trying to think of something else. He'll deal with this later. Maybe.

Jeno knows he's completely fucked when Jaemin smiles at him in the hallway. It's not an unusual occurrence; Jaemin's done this about a hundred times since they became friends. It's really not a big deal.

And yet.

Jeno really wants to smile back but Jaemin touches his hand in passing, squeezing his fingers briefly, and Jeno just kind of loses it. Because this is real now, he's said it out loud to himself yesterday, it's true, he likes Jaemin. In the I like like you way. In the please kiss me way.

So Jaemin smiles like always and Jeno chokes a little because every time he does it, every time he throws his affection all over the place like it’s easy, Jeno is a little more starstruck. He feels like he's completely made of jelly for the second that Jaemin’s fingers press against his skin and he prays to every deity that Jaemin doesn't notice how he’s freezing up.

But Jaemin doesn't seem to. He breezes past him with a laugh, vanishes in the stream of students and leaves Jeno breathless, his heart stuttering out of time.

'Hey, can we talk?' Jeno says. The words are out before he can stop them and now the rest of them are waiting to be spilled. He can feel them queuing up, filling his throat until they’re pressing against his windpipe.

Renjun looks up from the snacks he's picking out of the drawer in Jeno's kitchen, looking a little guilty. 'I swear I didn't mean it when I said you look like Moai.'

Jeno frowns. 'Huh?'

'What?'

'That's not – I just need to tell you something.'

'Oh.' Renjun pushes the drawer closed and straightens up, facing Jeno where he's fumbling with his sleeves. ‘Shoot.'

The words are all still there, but Jeno doesn't know which ones to say first. He takes a breath, loses it, starts again. It seems impossible now.

'No takesie-backsies,' Renjun says.

'Promise you'll be serious about this?' Jeno asks. 'This is kinda freaking me out.'

'Uh, sure.'

'Okay, um. I have a crush.'

Renjun's eyes grow almost comically wide. 'Oh my god. On whom?'

If it was hard to admit to himself, it's even harder to say out loud to someone else, even when it’s just Renjun. Especially because it’s Renjun.

'Who is it?'

Jeno can't get it out, just looks back at Renjun, shrugging helplessly. His throat is so full of – something, words, bile, tears, he doesn't know. It's just too much, too tight. He’s so fucking stressed. If he opens his mouth now everything will come spilling out and Jeno’s afraid that it will be tears instead of a name.

'Jeno,' Renjun says. His expression is soft, which is pretty much the opposite of what Jeno expected, and it kind of makes it even harder. 'Jeno, is it Na Jaemin?'

Jeno nods. This is why Renjun is his best friend: sometimes he just knows things. Sometimes he even knows stuff about Jeno he doesn't know himself, like now, when Renjun gives him a hug he wasn't aware he needed so badly.

And all of this, the confession, Renjun's reaction and the fact that oh god, he likes Jaemin so much – it all catches up and crashes down on him. Renjun's touch is like a crack in the barrier and Jeno feels the panic coming, doesn't even try to hold it back. It crushes his chest and shakes his bones until there’s no air left to breathe.

'It's okay,' Renjun says distantly, letting Jeno bury his face into his shoulder, rubbing soothing circles into his back. 'Breathe with me. It's okay.'

They sit on Jeno's bed later that day, cross-legged opposite of each other.

'So,' Renjun starts, still softly but with a hint of mirth. 'Na Jaemin, huh?'

Jeno shrugs. He’s too tired to be embarrassed. No one tells you how exhausting panic attacks are, but then again, no one really tells you anything about anxiety in general. 'It's not my fault that he's so nice.'

'And attractive. And a great dancer. And a good student.'

'You're just making it worse!'

Renjun sniggers. 'Because it's cute.'

Jeno gives him a long look. Renjun looks so carefree smiling at him like that, almost like he’s glad that Jeno is losing his mind. 'This is a problem.'

'Is it, though? Jaemin's not straight, either, I say go for it.'

'Renjun. Have you met me? I don't know how to go for anything. And it's – you know. It's Jaemin.'

'So?'

'Everyone has a crush on Jaemin! And Jaemin – he doesn't really care. So, like, he's out of my league or something. You said yourself he’s too mainstream for me.'

Renjun frowns. 'He spends a lot of time with you, though. You know, for someone with a hundred cool friends. Plus you’re not too bad on the eyes yourself. No homo, bro.'

'Don't get my hopes up.'

'Who would have thought things would be like this?' Renjun reaches forward to pat Jeno's knee, smiling like an idiot. It’s like he's the one with the stupid crush, really. 'It's cute. You should invite Jaemin over to hang out or something.'

'Oh my god. I can't do that anymore. I'll get awkward.'

'You were never not awkward, so he won’t even notice.'

Jeno makes a whining noise, falling on to his side and the mattress shakes. 'I didn't ask for this. I just wanted to be friends.'

'Young love,' Renjun swoons.

‘You’re terrible.'

'Have you asked him?' Renjun asks the next day at lunch.

Jeno looks up. 'Have I asked whom what?'

'You know exactly what I'm talking about.'

'No.'

'No, you don't or no, you haven't?'

'I haven't.'

'What are you discussing without me?' Jisung asks and Jeno startles a little. Damn his soft walking.

Renjun stares at Jeno and they have a short but intense argument through eye contact only which Renjun wins. 'Long story short, Jeno's not so straight and it's all because of Jaemin.'

Jisung very nearly drops his banana milk. 'You're telling me Jeno has a fucking crush on Na Jaemin?!'

'Say it louder, will you?' Jeno hisses, ducking down in his seat. Jisung is still staring at him with a mix of surprise and incomprehension.

'And you had the audacity to come at me because of Chenle,' Jisung says, crossing his arms.

'In my defence, you're both babies!' Jeno says.

'Age-wise maybe but experience-wise I think the fuck not.'

It's very quiet for a moment.

'Uh,' Jisung says, blushing. 'That came out weird. I'm just saying relationship-wise you're the baby. Because you’ve never been in one and stuff.'

Jeno snaps his jaws shut.

'Moving on,' Renjun says. 'Jisung, give us your honest opinion on Jeno's chances.'

'Pathetic,' Jisung says immediately. 'But for some reason Jaemin still hangs out with him when he could hang out with literally everyone else, so I guess there’s hope.'

'Thank you,' Renjun says and Jeno drops his head on the table, groaning. 'Should Jeno ask him to hang out?'

'Yes,' Jisung says. 'Don't be a coward.'

'I'm not going to! At least not alone...'

'Fine, ask him if he wants to hang out with us.' Renjun gestures at the three of them and Jeno squints.

'You're just going to ditch me.'

Renjun rolls his eyes. 'Ask him to bring friends then. Jesus Christ.'

'Fine.'

Both Renjun and Jisung stare at him expectantly.

'What?'

'Why aren't you asking him?' Jisung says, nodding over to where Jaemin is sitting with Mark and some other people. 'He's right there.'

Jeno looks over, takes in Jaemin’s laugh and throws his hands up in defence. Jisung rolls his eyes. 'I'm not asking him in person.'

'Right, because that would be too intense. You're hopeless, dude.'

'Shut up, brat.'

Jeno (5:03 PM)

hey

wanna hang out with my friends and me this weekend?

renjun got a switch and a shit ton of games for xmas

bring ppl

(just not too many)

Na Jaemin (5:10 PM)

yeah sure ^^

at renjuns then?

what time?

Jeno (5:11 PM)

5ish on sat? I have training before

Na Jaemin (5:11 PM)

cool!

hey i have dance practice at school that day

ill pick u up at the lockers then we can walk together~

Oh no, Jeno thinks. The whole idea of this was to not be alone with Jaemin.

Jeno (5:12 PM)

uh yeah alright

Group Chat: The Rainbow Squad

Jen (5:13 PM)

renjun were meeting at urs tomorrow btw

around 5

Injunie (5:15 PM)

uuuuhhh alright??

is it because of the switch

....

it is right

Jen (5:15 PM)

...perhaps...

but u said u would share it so rlly its ur fault

Injunie (5:15 PM)

who's jaemin bringing?

Jen (5:15 PM)

idk i just said dont bring too many

Mochisung (5:17 PM)

im bringing chenle

Injunie (5:17 PM)

no surprise there

Mochisung (5:17 PM)

@Jen we’ll pick u up at ur house

Jen (5:17 PM)

uuh,,

Injunie (5:17 PM)

omg

don’t tell me jaemin asked

Mochisung (5:17 PM)

hes so smooth without even trying wtf

Jen (5:17 PM)

he said he has dance practice when I have training so its literally nothing special

we just happen to be in the same place

Injunie (5:17 PM)

sure

;)

This is just Jaemin, Jeno tells himself, pacing up and down in front of the lockers near the exit of the sports building. It's just Jaemin, his friend, nothing weird here. They hang out all the time, just the two of them. Everything’s fine. It’s cool. He’s not going to hyperventilate.

'Hey,' Jaemin calls and Jeno’s heart jumps. He turns around to see Jaemin striding down the hallway, hair wet and dark. He's wearing sweats but instead of looking like a slob he looks like a star athlete on a break. It’s really unfair.

'H-hi,’ Jeno says.

Jaemin smiles. 'Let's go?'

‘You’re going to catch a cold like that,’ Jeno says, pointing at Jaemin’s hair but Jaemin waves him off.

‘I’ll be fine. Come on.’

So they go. It's not far until Renjun's house but Jeno feels the seconds stretch and fly by at once, like time is glitching whenever he's with Jaemin. It's kind of awkward, too, because Jeno doesn't know what to say and for once Jaemin isn't saving him by making easy small talk.

They are quiet for the majority of the way and with every step the silence feels heavier, more impenetrable. Jeno glances at Jaemin from the side but he seems relaxed, looking at the houses left and right.

This isn't weird, Jeno tells himself. It can't be weird yet, it's just Jaemin. It’s probably just him who’s freaking out.

But Jaemin is too quiet.

‘You okay?’ Jeno asks.

‘Hmm? Oh, yeah. Sorry, just tired,’ Jaemin says in his usual cheerful tone and Jeno feels like the silence was never there. 'How was practice?'

'It was alright,' Jeno says. He doesn't think Jaemin actually wants to know how practice went. 'How was dance?'

'Exhausting but pretty good,' Jaemin says. 'We're learning a new choreo, so that's cool.'

'You'll have to show me sometime,' Jeno says in a burst of curiosity, immediately feeling his face heat up at the scenario.

'Yeah, sure,' Jaemin says. 'If that doesn't bore you.'

'It wouldn’t. I dance, too.'

'Really?'

Sometimes Jeno forgets that Jaemin doesn't actually know him the way Renjun or Jisung do. It's weird because they are kind of comfortable with each other now, leaving out Jeno's strange feelings, and Jaemin knows all this deep shit about him. But there are a lot of things they don't talk about, too, things Jeno doesn’t know how to ask for.

'Yeah,' he says.

Jaemin's eyes shine when he looks at Jeno and Jeno feels his heart drop down into his guts. 'You’re gonna dance with me at the next party.'

And because sometimes it's impossible to deny Jaemin anything, Jeno says yes.

'Why aren't you opening the door?' Jeno says on the phone, a wave of dread overcoming him when Renjun laughs on the other end of the line.

'You're welcome,' he says. 'Tell him I forgot about this and that I'm uh... at my grandma's.'

Jeno glances at Jaemin who's standing by the side, looking at Renjun’s house with curiosity. Jeno starts sweating. 'What about Jisung?'

'Um. Forgot he has homework.'

'It's Saturday.'

'Exactly.'

'What about Jaemin's friends?'

'Why are you asking me? I didn't bring them.'

'Well, Jaemin didn't bring them, either.'

‘Oh my god. This is going even better than expected. My mind amazes me sometimes.'

Jeno holds the phone away from his ear and Jaemin perks up. 'Where are your friends?'

'Oh,' Jaemin says. 'I kinda only asked Hyuck and Chenle but they’re busy, so it's just me now. What's with Renjun?'

Chenle, another traitor. He’s probably busy with Jisung. 'We've been ditched. By my best friend. It's always your family that backstabs you, huh?' He says the last bit into the phone.

Renjun just snorts. 'Thank me later, bitch.' Then he hangs up.

'Well,' Jeno says nervously, pocketing his phone and pushing his hands into his hoodie. 'Sorry about this.'

'It's not like it's your fault,' Jaemin says, unperturbed by the whole ordeal while Jeno wants to throw himself off a cliff. 'We can just hang out at yours, right?'

'You still want to hang out?'

'Jeno.' Jaemin reaches out, framing Jeno's face in his hands and – fuck. His hands are warm despite the wintery air and he's holding Jeno's face, squishing his cheeks, looking at Jeno all amiably and Jeno is going to combust – 'We hang out all the time. Why are you still surprised?'

'I – I don't know.'

Jaemin laughs, letting go of Jeno's face in favour of taking his wrist instead. 'You're cute.'

That's it. Jeno can feel the exact moment his soul leaves his body and floats off into outer space. He's barely aware of how Jaemin pulls him off of Renjun's doorstep and in the direction of his house. Renjun is probably watching from behind his curtain now, laughing at Jeno's struggle.

Jeno is right. By the time they have settled down in his room and his heart kind of goes back to doing its work again, Jeno's notification light blinks.

Injunie (5:21 PM)

LMAO

JENO

IM WEHEEZING

YOUR FACE

Jen (5:43 PM)

U FUCKING SNAKE

JUST KNOW THAT I HATE U

Injunie (5:43 PM)

THAT WAS SO PRECIOUS THO

for a second I thought he was about to kiss you

that would have been so sweet

Jen (5:43 PM)

FUCK OFF

...

he called me cute tho

Injunie (5:43 PM)

CUTE

wait why are you texting me

did you kick him out

Jen (5:43 PM)

no hes choosing a movie rn

so i can bitch at u

I cant believe ur doing this to me

Injunie (5:43 PM)

what happened to not letting him choose movies ever again?

;)))

whipped already huh

Jen (5:43 PM)

blocked.

Injunie (5:44 PM)

you can block me but you can’t block the truth

'No horror?' Jaemin asks, turning around with a pout. Jeno feels the weakness coming and looks at the TV shelf instead.

'No.'

'Pretty please?'

'No. There are plenty of other good movies there, choose one of them.'

'Ugh, fine. You're no fun.'

Jaemin settles for some superhero movie that Jeno has probably seen before, so he doesn't even try to pay attention. Jaemin, in comparison, is absolutely engrossed in the story line, commenting on the plot every now and then, laughing in between. It's sort of adorable. Also he clings to Jeno like always when they watch things and after a while Jeno's heart stops trying to fly right out of his chest. It’s easy like this, being with Jaemin. It’s easy to forget that there are things like homework that needs to be finished or laundry to be done.

'See, that was nice,' Jeno says sleepily when the credits roll. He's too lazy to get up and take the DVD out; it's way too comfortable like this, with a pillow bunched up behind his back and Jaemin curled up at his side. He kind of doesn't want the moment to end, wants to keep Jaemin this close while his nervousness isn’t killing him for once.

Jaemin doesn't make any attempt to move, either. 'You didn't even watch.'

'I did!'

'Oh yeah? What happened after the eagle scene?'

Jeno hesitates. 'Eagle scene?'

Jaemin snorts. Jeno feels his breath hot on his neck and shivers a little. 'At least when we watch horror you pay attention.'

'But then I can't sleep.'

'Baby.'

Jeno sighs a little. He knows Jaemin doesn't mean it in that way but still. Hearing the word roll of Jaemin's tongue so easily makes his heart stutter and Jeno hopes Jaemin doesn't feel it where he's pressed against Jeno's collarbone. It’s embarrassing, really, how much Jeno wishes to hear things like this in a different context.

No one says anything for a while. When Jeno glances down at Jaemin he realises he closed his eyes, his breath evening out. His eyelashes are so freaking long for a guy's, fanning over his cheeks, and his mouth is so relaxed. Jeno's probably being creepy, looking at him like that. Jaemin is probably not even asleep and can feel Jeno staring but Jeno can't help it. Jaemin's lips look so stupidly soft even though he chews on them all the damn time.

Jeno exhales, closing his eyes, too. These are not the kind of thoughts one should have about their crush when said crush is basically wrapped around them. That's dangerous. One might get attached to a point of no return.

Group Chat: The Rainbow Squad

Mochisung (9:59 PM)

@Jen where is the tea

were waiting

...

Injunie (10:31 PM)

Jeno??

Mochisung (11:15 PM)

hes meditating guys

Injunie (11:16 PM)

he’s died

Jen (12: 21 AM)

u guys

Mochisung (12:21 AM)

HE LIVES

Jen (12:21 AM)

wtf why are u still awake

Mochisung (12:21 AM)

m8 its saturday

Jen (12:21 AM)

yeah but u are a baby

Mochisung (12:22 AM)

when will u learn to respect me !

Jen (12:22 AM)

when u deserve it

Injunie (12:22 AM)

you hoes better be blowing up my notifs for a reason

where the hell were you jeno

did you faint

Jen (12:22 AM)

no

he just left

Injunie (12:23 AM)

the hell were you doing all this time

Jen (12:23 AM)

watched a movie

then fell asleep

Mochisung (12:23 AM)

...u... fell asleep.....

thats got to be the lamest thing ive ever heard

Jen (12:23 AM)

i know it sounds boring but

my dudes

he fell asleep on me

and i just

my heart

i cant take this

Mochisung (12:23 AM)

when did jeno get this soft

Injunie (12:24 AM)

jaemin's power

Jen (12:24 AM)

anyways

we only woke up cuz his mum called him

and he was like cant i sleep here?? without even asking me lol

and his mum was like no blabla

he was so sad he gets like super whiny when hes tired

i was DYING

Injunie (12:24 AM)

i'm going to cry this is so cute

Jen (12:24 AM)

I DIDNT EVEN GET TO THE BEST BIT YET

Mochisung (12:24 AM)

OMG DID HE KISS U

Jen (12:25 AM)

NO

sadly

what

I mean kinda

HE

Injunie (12:25 AM)

JENO

Jen (12:25 AM)

HE KISSED MY CHEEK

we were like saying bye and stuff and he always hugs ppl right

so he does that and then ruffles my hair and goes

‘’u look so cute when ur sleepy’’

hjdhlhs

thats the second time today hes called me cute wtf

what does this mean

so I’m like blushing or whatever

and he just

leans in and kisses me on the cheek

and then he left

I DIED

i mean i know that its normal for him he just does that to ppl sometimes

but still

!

Mochisung (12:26 AM)

lmao only jeno would freak over a kiss on the cheek

Injunie (12:26 AM)

shut up jisung oh my god this is so cute

i ship it

pls ask him out

Mochisung (12:26 AM)

does jeno have the guts tho

Jen (12:26 AM)

....

he doesnt

Mochisung (12:26 AM)

its not actually that hard once u get over urself

Jen (12:26 AM)

pause.

does that mean u asked chenle out

Mochisung (12:27 AM)

hell yeah

i have a boyfriend now

get on my level losers

Injunie (12:27 AM)

AND WHEN WERE YOU PLANNING ON TELLING US ????

Mochisung (12:27 AM)

when it became relevant

Jen (12:27 AM)

WHAT

!!!!!!!

smh

kids these days

keeping secrets and stuff

congrats tho!!!

Injunie (12:28 AM)

they grow up so fast :')

Mochisung (12:28 AM)

dont make me block u

Jen (12:28 AM)

how did that work so quickly

Mochisung (12:28 AM)

what can i say

im hella cute

we have chemistry

im not as awkward

Injunie (12:28 AM)

you're shy tho

Mochisung (12:28 AM)

yeah but chenle really isnt

so i got comfortable quickly

its cool

Jen (12:29 AM)

thats super sweet omg

Mochisung (12:29 AM)

yall are so mushy wtf

whatever

get it together jeno

the worst he can do is reject u and then u move on

Jen (12:29 AM)

its not that simple

Mochisung (12:29 AM)

it literally is

Jen (12:29 AM)

ill go to sleep

night guys

Jeno doesn’t fall asleep for a long time. His mind keeps replaying how Jaemin smiled at him, right before pressing his lips to Jeno’s cheek. It was just the lightest, shortest of touches but Jeno still feels it burn on his skin, like a beautiful brand mark he’ll never forget.

He wishes it would mean something.

'I think it's time for another party,' Jaemin is saying, gesturing around and almost hitting Jisung in the face. 'A smaller one, though. I'm tired of freeloaders.'

'Shouldn't you treat your following well, so that they won't start a riot against you?' Renjun asks.

Jaemin sends him a tired look. 'Please never say following again. Whatever. You guys have to come, though. This weekend? The one after?'

'I have a match this weekend,' Jeno says.

'So the week after,' Jaemin decides.

'We could have fun without Jeno,' Jisung says. 'We'd probably have more fun without him.'

Jaemin throws his arms around Jeno and hugs him so tightly that he feels his bones pop. 'That's not true! Also, Jeno has to come because he promised he’d dance with me.'

Oh no. Jeno can see how the new information registers in Renjun's brain, a suspicious and honestly frightening expression appearing on his face. 'With you? Oh boy. You're in for a treat.'

'Sure hope I am.' Jaemin knocks his elbow into Jeno's side like he hasn’t been abused enough already. 'You should’ve told me earlier.'

‘I –‘

'He's shy and awkward, leave him alone,' Donghyuck says, not taking his eyes off of Mark’s face.

It's time for a new set of friends, Jeno decides. Also maybe he should move to Alaska and start a new life as a fisherman there.

‘You know what I’m thinking?’ Jaemin asks. ‘We should have a sleepover. Let’s put blankets on the living room floor and build like, a pillow fortress! There’s enough space.’

The table erupts in enthusiastic cheers, led by Donghyuck and Chenle.

Jeno’s not sure if they should be this happy. He knows from experience that sleepovers are always messy things, even when it was usually only Jisung, Renjun and him. Paired with a party it’s practically an invitation for disaster.

Then again, Jaemin’s the one who will have to deal with the consequences and somehow Jaemin seems to be able to handle anything.

‘Your match is next Saturday, right?’ Jaemin asks when they’re on the way to their English Lit class after lunch. They are walking so close together that their shoulders brush every other step.

‘Yeah,’ Jeno says.

‘Say hi to me before you start?’

Jeno squints at Jaemin. He looks like always: relaxed, open, and obviously amazing. ‘I didn’t know you cared about soccer.’

‘I don’t really.’ Jaemin shrugs. ‘But I have nothing else to do, so I figured I might as well come support my friends.’

That’s right. Yuta, Jaehyun and Jungwoo are also on the team. Jaemin talks to them a lot, definitely more than Jeno does which is probably bad since they’ve been playing together for years. There’s a quiet sort of disappointment that Jaemin’s not going just for him but he pushes it away. ‘Cool.’

Jeno really wishes knowing that Jaemin’s going to watch him play wouldn’t make him this nervous. It’s not uncommon that he gets a little fidgety before games but that’s usually due to anticipation and his competitive spirit surfacing, not some boy sitting in the audience who is probably not even paying attention.

But it’s Na Jaemin.

Jeno had arrived as late as possible, so that he wouldn’t have to meet Jaemin beforehand. It would have made everything even worse and his coach is already throwing him concerned glances.

Eventually they go out on the field to warm up and Jeno can’t help but scan the crowd. It’s useless, he knows, he wouldn’t be able to spot a single face. It’s not like there’s a huge crowd or anything but the lights and colours are disorienting, blurring together into one big picture.

But Jaemin isn’t in the crowd. Jeno spots him at the side lines with the cheerleaders, chatting and laughing. He meets Jeno’s eyes when Jeno jogs past and his whole face lights up, sending Jeno’s heart tripping.

‘Fighting!’ Jeno hears Jaemin call after him and he feels his face burn all the way around the field.

‘You okay, dude?’ Jaehyun asks with a raised eyebrow.

‘Uh, yeah,’ Jeno says, avoiding eye-contact. ‘Just the, uh, weather.’

Jaehyun frowns because there’s literally nothing wrong with today’s weather but Jeno speeds up before he can say anything else.

They win, but it’s definitely not thanks to Jeno. He’s decent, but the nervousness sticks today like a super annoying spell that makes him clumsy and sends his eyes flicking over to the cheerleaders where Jaemin stays for the whole match. When it’s finally over and Jeno tries to escape to the lockers in the safe company of his team, Jaemin intersects him.

‘Don’t,’ Jeno says, holding out both of his hands when Jaemin goes in for a hug. ‘I’m gross and sweaty, I swear you don’t want to touch me right now.’

Jaemin’s grin turns into a pout. ‘I really don’t care. You were amazing!’

Either Jaemin doesn’t have the first idea about soccer or he really wasn’t paying attention. ‘Thanks, but I was really not –‘

This time Jeno can’t stop him. Jaemin wraps his arms around him, nearly crushing his ribs in the process, and Jeno feels his sticky cheek squish against Jaemin’s. Jaemin pulls away again, hands sliding off Jeno’s shoulders, and smiles. ‘There’s a hot dog truck in the parking lot. Meet me there when you’re done?’

Jeno’s a little surprised. ‘You’re not going to say hi to your other friends?’

‘Nah, maybe later. See you at the truck.’ Jaemin skips away, almost immediately stopped by a couple of girls who he starts talking to animatedly as he walks away.

So maybe Jaemin was only here because of Jeno. That thought is even weirder.

Jaemin has already bought them food when Jeno arrives at the food truck, chatting with the vendor until he notices Jeno coming towards him. There’s a small group of freshmen girls lingering in the background that start giggling whenever Jaemin glances in their direction and it immediately annoys Jeno.

‘Hope you like regular hot dogs,’ Jaemin says when Jeno reaches him, holding one out for him.

‘You really didn’t have to do this,’ Jeno says. He feels tingly all over, like he’s made of bees, and he thinks he might be too nervous to eat.

Jaemin waves him off. He’s radiating energy, barely able to stand still before he tugs at his sleeve and reaches for Jeno’s shoulder. ‘You deserve it. You looked freaking amazing on the field, no wonder you’re popular with the girls.’

Jeno feels himself flush. ‘Stop.’

‘No, really. I mean, I don’t really know anything about soccer but I could tell that you’re good –‘

‘Jaemin.’

‘– so it was fun to watch. I can tell you love it.‘

‘Oh my god. Please stop.’

Jaemin grins. ‘Are you shy?’

‘Did you talk to the others yet?’ Jeno asks, desperately trying to change the topic to save himself from bursting into flames.

‘What others?’

‘Well, Jungwoo, Yuta? Jaehyun?’

‘Oh.’ Jaemin blinks. ‘No, I didn’t.’

‘You might want to go find them. I’m – I have to go home soon anyway.’

‘You wanna go now?’ Jaemin asks. ‘We can walk together.’

‘You really don’t have to –‘

‘So for how long have you been playing?’

Jeno narrows his eyes at him but Jaemin looks genuinely interested and talking about soccer may or may not be one of Jeno’s weaknesses.

Jeno can’t believe Jaemin listened to the whole story until they are at his house and he doesn’t even look a tiny bit bored. He should join the drama club, Jeno thinks, fishing for the key that must be somewhere in his bag.

‘I wish I was that committed to a sport,’ Jaemin says. ‘I mean, I love dance more than anything but my parents would rather I played basketball or something. You know, something that’s easier to accept.’

‘That sounds terrible. Also you’re an amazing dancer, they should be proud of you,’ Jeno replies.

Jaemin smiles. ‘Thank you. You sure you got your key in there?’

Jeno sighs and reaches out to ring the doorbell instead. ‘I might have left it in my room. Whatever. Thanks for walking me.’

‘No problem. I had f–’

The door swings open and Jeno’s mum grins at them, obviously delighted by Jaemin’s presence. ‘Oh, hey, boys! You’re right on time for dinner. Jaemin, do you want to stay this time?’

Jeno is about to say that they just had hot dogs and that he has things to do, but who is he kidding – teenage boys are always hungry, especially after a match.

Plus, Jaemin is already saying yes and his mum lets them in, humming contently.

Jeno quietly eats his stew, watching his family fall for Jaemin’s charms one by one. Jeno’s dad questions him about his academics, his family, his hobbies and Jaemin answers so easily, like he’s somehow been prepared for this kind of thing. Jeno’s mum keeps looking at him fondly, an expression she usually has reserved for Jeno only.

Jeno can’t help but sneak glances at him, too; he looks so relaxed next to Jeno, not minding in the slightest that Jeno is about to have a nervous breakdown for no real reason.

Time stretches and thins. Jeno doesn’t know if he wants this to be over or not; Jaemin’s company makes him nervous but it’s also so nice, to have him to himself. Sometimes being with Jaemin is so uncomplicated and there are moments when the crush Jeno has on him isn’t trying to kill him, but lets him feel the good sides of it.

Because it does feel good to be with Jaemin. So good. Jaemin is fun to be around and it’s never boring even when no one’s saying anything and a big part of Jeno wants his family to love Jaemin, to appreciate him, to know what kind of amazing person he is.

Eventually dinner is finished, though, and after Jeno’s mum refuses to let Jaemin help with the dishes Jaemin decides it’s time for him to leave.

So Jeno finds himself standing in the door, watching as Jaemin scratches his head and thanks him for letting him stay.

‘You’re parents are really nice,’ he says. His smile is gone for a second and he looks kind of sad, but it’s gone so quickly that Jeno can’t tell what it means.

‘I guess they are.’

Jaemin nods and spreads his arms out, asking for a hug. Jeno steps forward hesitantly, which means okay, and Jaemin engulfs him.

‘I’m grateful for you,’ Jaemin says quietly, momentarily tightening the hug and pressing his face into Jeno’s neck before he pulls back.

Jeno wasn’t prepared for this, wasn’t prepared for any kind of Jaemin nonsense today if he’s honest, so before he snaps out of his trance Jaemin has already stepped out of the house. His smile is bittersweet, glowing in the dark.

Jeno weakly lifts his hand, watches Jaemin turn and skip down the street until he’s out of sight.

Group Chat: The Rainbow Squad

Jen (9:00 PM)

what does it mean when someone comes to watch u at a game even tho they dont care about the sport

and they buy u food

and then walk u home and stay for dinner

Mochisung (9:02 PM)

true love

wait

did jaemin

???

Injunie (9:02 PM)

omfg what!

Jeno ask him out!!!!

Jen (9:02 PM)

but this is jaemin :(((

he does nice things all the time

maybe im reading too much into it

I probably am

Mochisung (9:02 PM)

maybe u should just idk….ask him…

Injunie (9:02 PM)

ok ok what else happened

we need some details

Jeno sighs and gives them a recount of what happened, as detailed as he dares. Just thinking about it again makes him feel hot. He keeps touching his neck, like Jaemin left some kind of imprint, no matter that it was just a brief moment. It was there. Jeno still feels it, Jaemin’s breath on his skin, his closeness, his own nervousness, like Jaemin was about to kiss his cheek again.

Jen (9:04 PM)

…

and then he smiled and left

Injunie (9:04 PM)

WOW

thats gay

Jen (9:04 PM)

me or him

Injunie (9:04 PM)

both

Mochisung (9:04 PM)

this is honestly kinda adorable

u know what we should do

we gonna play truth or dare at the sleepover

and when jaemin says truth we ask if he has a crush

if its dare we dare him to kiss u

Jen (9:04 PM)

NO

Injunie (9:04 PM)

YES

Jen (9:04 PM)

U CANT DO THAT TO ME

Mochisung (9:05 PM)

BITCH WE TRYNA HELP

Jen (9:05 PM)

SHIT LIKE THIS NEVER WORKS

Mochisung (9:05 PM)

WELL IF U WONT ASK HIM OUT

Jen (9:05 PM)

THATS BLACKMAIL

JUST GIVE ME MORE TIME

Mochisung (9:05 PM)

FINE

Injunie (9:05 PM)

Jen you’re so dramatic im crying

Jen (9:05 PM)

fuck off

The party slash sleepover is less of a party and more of a small get together. Jeno's trio, Mark and Donghyuck as well as Yukhei, Jungwoo, Chenle and Jaemin are currently scattered in the living room, devouring various snacks, playing games and, in Donghyuck's case, criticising Mark’s fashion sense.

It's kind of nice. Jeno doesn't have that much to do with Yukhei and Jungwoo, even though Jungwoo is on his team. Like Jeno, he keeps to himself and is definitely on the quieter side but after a while (and with Yukhei's help) he thaws a little.

It's just really cool to hang out with them. When it gets late and the room fills with darkness, Jeno feels nostalgia rise inside him. How it used to be just Renjun, Jisung and him, outside on these streets, playing firefighter and dinosaur invasion, ringing the neighbours' doorbells just to sprint away like it was the most amazing thing ever. Then they’d go to one of their houses and build pillow forts and fall asleep in a pile of limps. All the others must have similar memories but now they're here, making new ones. Soon high school will be over and everyone will move on and away, even Jeno.

It's strange. He hasn't been friends with the others for that long, isn't even really friends with all of them but he loves them anyway. The companionship between them. It doesn't really matter that he doesn't know Jungwoo the way he knows Renjun because they're here, together, right now. It makes Jeno feel strangely free.

But it’s scary, too, knowing it’s going to be over so soon. Next year around the same time, everything’s going to be different.

Someone prods their foot into Jeno’s thigh and he snaps out of his thoughts. ‘Huh?’

‘It’s your turn,’ Jungwoo says softly, holding a controller out. Jeno shakes his head, gesturing for someone else to take it, which Chenle does.

Jeno must have spaced out for a while because the seating arrangement changed and definitely not to his advantage. He spots Jaemin squeezed between Renjun and Jisung, arms around both of them, cheek squished against Renjun’s shoulder who doesn’t look amused at all.

Jeno looks away. He has no right to be jealous, least of all of his best friend, and it’s not like it’s news to him that Jaemin is about the cuddliest person on this planet.

He just wishes he was special to Jaemin, at least in some way. But he isn’t, he knows, and if nothing happens he isn’t ever going to be. And then next year will come with all of its changes and Jaemin will float away from him, just like that, leaving Jeno behind.

'You've been so quiet today,' Jaemin asks him when he's dragged Jeno off the couch to get blankets from upstairs. The others are tasked with building beds on the living room floor. 'You okay?'

Not really, Jeno thinks, because you're right here making my heart hurt. 'Yeah. Just thinking.'

'About what?'

'Life, I guess?'

Jaemin stops gathering up the covers on his bed and turns to look at Jeno. He's so pretty, even in his stupid blue pyjamas, hair unstyled and falling over his forehead. He doesn't have to try hard to look good, or maybe he just looks good to Jeno always. 'That's very general.'

'I just think it’s weird,’ Jeno says. ‘Like, how we all ended up here. And it's just one more year until we all go to college or something and then we'll probably think the same things about our new college friends. I mean, it's funny.'

Jaemin seems to contemplate this for a moment. 'Hm, you're right, it is strange. But in a good way, I think. And I also think we’re a good bunch. I like you guys.'

'You like everyone.'

'Yeah, but it's different with you.'

They look at each other and Jeno can feel his heartbeat where he's biting his lip. It means nothing. It means nothing. This is just Jaemin telling him he appreciates them as friends. ‘Why’s it different?’

‘Because I…’ Jaemin hesitates. ‘I actually feel like myself when I hang out with you.’

‘With us?’

‘With you.’

‘Oh.’

Jeno refuses to return Jaemin’s smile, knowing he’d flush if he looked up at him now. He doesn’t know how to handle this; it’s not like Jaemin means it the way he wishes he would. He’s just being nice, but he’s unintentionally giving Jeno something akin to hope and Jeno just knows it’s going to come back to hurt him some time.

'I don't want it to change,' he says quietly. That's what he's been thinking of mostly: the fear of losing what he's just got. He only just met Jaemin and soon, too soon they will all leave. And Jeno knows Jaemin will forget him because he’s just Jeno and Jaemin will easily find people who are actually worth his time.

'If things always stayed the same they would never get any better,' Jaemin says.

'I know. But it's scary.'

Jaemin grins then, wide and honest. 'I know, right? I can't wait for it.' He hands Jeno a bundle of blankets and pushes him in the general direction of the door. 'Come on, let's see how far the others got.'

The others did not, in fact, get anywhere. Someone (and Jeno's money is on Chenle) started a pillow fight, which Jeno and Jaemin walk right into. Jeno gets hit square in the face with a humongous couch pillow, stumbling back against Jaemin, who steadies him before jumping into action with a giddy laugh.

There are too many people and not enough pillows. It doesn't help that Jisung, Yukhei and Jungwoo are giants and only one of them is gentle. By the time they stop, everyone is out of breath and has at least one more bruise to show for. There's not even a clear winner, even though Donghyuck keeps claiming the title and it takes fucking forever until everyone has calmed down enough to brush their teeth and lie down in the giant pile of every somewhat soft object Jaemin could find.

Somehow Jeno ends up lying between Renjun and Jaemin, though that 'somehow' is a tentative term given the complacent glances Renjun exchanges with Jisung. Jeno gives Renjun a warning look in turn, as if that would ever stop Renjun from doing something stupid like push Jeno over to Jaemin's side when he sleeps.

Renjun probably won't have to anyway, as Jaemin is already pretty much glued to him. It's not new but it's different here because there are other people to witness it. In fact, Jaemin might as well cuddle Jungwoo who's on the other side of him but he doesn't. He nuzzles is face into Jeno's shoulder with a content sigh and a smile and Jeno wants to die.

Renjun nudges Jeno and gives him a look that practically screams 'ask him out!'

'You didn't even dance with me, Jeno,' Jaemin says, pulling away a little.

'Because this wasn't a party,' Jeno says, ignoring Renjun's muffled laughter.

'We should go to an actual party. Like, one of Jaehyun's or something,' Chenle suggests.

'Yeah, let's,' Donghyuck says. 'It's been ages.'

'Cool, but can we sleep first?' Mark throws in.

'God, you're so lame, why do I love you.'

Then there's the sound of a very wet kiss followed various gagging noises from the others. 'Get a room!'

'If you keep doing that in front of us painfully single people I'll have you separated,' Jaemin says firmly.

'I heard you're not actually single, Jaemin,' Donghyuck says slyly and Jeno feels a weird squeeze in his abdomen. 'There's a rumour going around...'

'Who do they say it is?' Jaemin asks.

'Some say Yujeong. Others say Mina. I also heard Hyunjin once.'

Jaemin sighs. 'I wish they were at least a little more creative.'

'So it's not true?' Mark asks.

'Wouldn't I, as one of your best friends, tell you before there are rumours?' Jaemin asks. His tone is light but he seems a little annoyed to Jeno now. Somehow that pleases him.

'I don't know, would you?' Donghyuck says. 'You don't actually tell us much anymore.'

Jaemin huffs. 'Because there's nothing to say. Why are you grilling me? I thought sleepovers were for painting each other's nails and gossiping about people who are not present.'

'What kind of sleepovers do you go to, man?' Jisung says. 'Stay away with your flower crowns and nail polish.'

'Jeno would let me paint his nails, wouldn't you, Jeno?'

Jeno's sure his ears are bright red but thankfully it's too dark for anyone to see.

'Jeno would let you do anyth–‘ Renjun starts to say under his breath and Jeno drives his elbow into his side before he can finish.

'Because Jeno is a good friend,' Jaemin continues.

'Rude, I’m your best friend,' Mark says. 'I've known you since you were like five!'

‘Bitch, you were still in Canada when I was five.’

‘I was –‘

'Shouldn't we sleep?' Jungwoo perks up. 'It's almost three am.' His voice is so gentle that Jeno thinks no normal human with a heart would be able to say no to him.

'Fine. Goodnight, guys.' Jaemin sighs contently, shuffling closer again. Jeno can feel him everywhere; hot and soft and alive, the rise and fall of his ribcage against his side, the twitch of his fingers where his hand is resting on Jeno's sternum. His hair is tickling Jeno's jaw but it smells so good, so much like just Jaemin that Jeno only wants him closer.

Jeno probably spends a good ten minutes like this, just marvelling at everything that Jaemin is and being hyperaware of how they are lying here because apparently after one am he has no more self-control. But who can blame him? This is Na Jaemin, who could hang out with anyone, sleep next to anyone, but for some reason ended up with Jeno instead.

'Your heart's going so fast,' Jaemin whispers almost inaudibly and Jeno nearly jumps out of his skin, cringing with embarrassment. He tries to pull away, but Jaemin doesn’t let him.

'I wasn't – I'm not –‘

'You don't have to be nervous,' Jaemin says. 'It's just me.'

It's you, Jeno thinks. Everything that you are. Right now it feels like if Jeno says or does anything Jaemin will know. Maybe he already does; Jaemin isn't stupid and Jeno is too awkward to be any good at hiding things.

Jaemin spreads his hand out flat and runs it up and down Jeno's chest in one smooth motion that’s probably meant to be comforting.

Okay. Okay. Jeno's not going to survive this night. He tries to squirm away again but Jaemin simply follows his movements.

'Stay here,' Jaemin says, sleepy now. 'I like it. Because you never ever push me away. Goodnight, Jeno.'

It's over, Jeno thinks. It's over. Perhaps before there was a minuscule chance that this was just a stupid temporary crush, the kind of thing you have on upperclassmen as a freshman when you know there's not even the slightest bit of hope, when it’s nothing more than infatuation. But now – now this warm writhing thing inside Jeno's chest triples in size, expands to every vein and every cell of his body and he can feel it everywhere. How much he likes Jaemin. How badly he wants him to feel the same but knowing better and suddenly it hurts.

This is what he wants: Jaemin, pressed against him, relaxed and content. Everything he could wish for is right here but he's never going to be able to call it his because Jaemin is Na Jaemin, most popular student who can have anyone he wants, and Jeno is Lee Jeno, just another person in Jaemin's already crowded life.

'I can't believe I saw that with my own two eyes,' Renjun says when they are walking back home from Jaemin's. He's staring ahead, a stupid grin plastered on his face while Jeno suffers. 'You were almost as bad as Hyuck and Mark.'

'Now you're exaggerating,' Jeno says. 'As far as I remember Jaemin wasn't shoving his tongue down my throat.'

'You sure wish he would, though,' Jisung says.

Jeno considers just running off but he has a very heavy backpack on his shoulders and he only slept about four hours. 'He just likes hugging things when he sleeps. I hate both of you.'

'You know, until you ask him out or something equally important happens you will just have to take it,' Jisung says.

Renjun nods. 'He's cute with you. I think you could take that risk.'

Sometimes, in really quiet moments when Jeno forgets about everything, Jeno lets himself wonder if maybe Jaemin likes him back at least a little bit. Because he is cute with Jeno. Came to his game just for him. Keeps asking him to hang out when there's a bazillion other people who are more fun to be around. Falls asleep on him. Who even does that? Jeno woke up with his face pressed against Jaemin’s shoulder today, their legs tangled, and that really didn’t make things easier.

'You were the only person he kissed on the cheek today,' Jisung reminds him.

Yeah. And that. 'He does that because he thinks my reaction is hilarious.'

Renjun makes a thoughtful face. 'It kinda is. It's like you're glitching or something.'

'He kissed Mark on the cheek yesterday and you last week at lunch, so it doesn’t matter. Can we please stop talking about it?'

'If you're going to ask him out...'

'No.'

Renjun scoffs. 'What do you mean, no?'

'I'm not ready.'

'You'll never be ready!'

Jisung pushes Jeno's shoulder a little. 'You should do it before someone else does.'

'Can we please stop?'

'Fine,' Renjun says. 'But only for now.'

Jeno doesn't doubt that he means it.

Jeno is so lost in his thoughts that he doesn't notice the soup dribbling from his spoon onto the table until his mum throws a paper towel at him. 'Huh?'

'You're daydreaming. Want to tell me about what?' Her eyes glint dangerously. 'Or whom?'

'Mum!' Jeno refuses to meet her eyes and submit to her annoying magical mum reading abilities, busying himself with wiping away the spilled soup.

'You can tell me. I might have advice.' She wiggles her eyebrows at him and suddenly moving to Alaska seems like a good idea again.

'Well, maybe this is embarrassing and I don't ever want to have this conversation,' he says.

'I'm not stupid, you know? I think I already know who you're thinking about.'

Jeno snaps his gaze up and is met with his mother's smug face, her hands folded in front of her like she's a plotting super villain. 'No. No.'

'Let me guess.' She leans forward and Jeno suppresses the overwhelming urge to escape. 'It's that boy you keep bringing over. The one with the smile. Jaemin?'

Jeno's jaw drops. He didn't think his mum actually knew but what's worse about this is that she knows it's a boy. Which means she knows Jeno likes boys. How? If she knows, does his father know, too? Does anyone else? Does everyone else? 'H-How –‘

'I'm not blind, honey. You don't look at Renjun that way.'

Jeno doesn’t know if he’s embarrassed, scared or weirded out. Probably all three of them. His mum just keeps smiling and Jeno doesn't know what to think, feels anxiety punch through his chest like a second heart. 'You – you’re not mad?'

His mum frowns. 'Why would I be mad?'

'I don't know, maybe you – wanted me to, like, be straight or something.'

'Oh baby,' she says, reaching across the table to take Jeno's hand. He realises it's shaking. Then he realises he's crying a little bit, too. 'I want you to be happy, that's all. It doesn't matter who you like as long as you love them and they love you.'

She rounds the table to sit down next to Jeno, pulling him against her side. There's something special about mum hugs: they make you feel small and protected, maybe because you’ll always be just a kid like this.

'Mothers just know things sometimes,' she says into Jeno's hair. 'More than you would want them to know, probably. But I love you, okay? I love you no matter what.'

'I love you, too.' Jeno's almost full on sobbing now. He doesn't even know why, it just comes bursting out like a dam broke. He wasn’t aware of how much this was actually straining him still and it takes him a few minutes to get his bearings.

'So,' his mum says, brushing his bangs away from his face. In any other situation Jeno would have pushed her hands away but right now it's comforting. 'Want to tell me about Jaemin?'

'You've already met him,' Jeno sniffs.

'Yes. And he's very nice. But I want it from your perspective.'

'I'm not sure what you want me to say here.'

'How did you meet? Does he like you, too?'

'I went to his party and – I don't know. I don't think he does. He's, like, really friendly to literally everyone, so it's hard to tell.'

'But he likes boys, too?'

'Yeah.' Jeno glances at his mum. 'This is embarrassing.'

'It really isn't,' she says. 'I don't know what it is with teenagers and parents. You shouldn't stop telling me important things just because you're older. I’ll always be your mum. You can always come to me, alright?'

'Alright.'

'So, about Jaemin. Are you going to ask him out?'

Jeno sighs wistfully. 'Maybe.'

'Keep me posted,' she says and hugs Jeno a little tighter. 'Now, do you want some ice cream?'

Na Jaemin (7:21 PM)

hey!!

are u free on sat?

cuz jaehyun is throwing a party and i was thinking u guys should come~

Jeno (7:23 PM)

we wanted to hang out anyway so i guess were free

Na Jaemin (7:23 PM)

so u will come??

u kinda have to

u know

dancing ;)

Jeno (7:23 PM)

u make it sound scary

Na Jaemin (7:23 PM)

lol soz i dont mean it tho

im sure ur a good dancer

and i cant wait to see it!!! <3

Jeno (7:23 PM)

dont have high expectations

gtg now ttyl

Jaehyun's parties are probably just as notorious as Jaemin's, if not more because he's a senior. There are a lot more upperclassmen present, but it doesn't seem to bother Jaemin in the slightest as he greets everyone by name and introduces Jeno and Renjun to them.

Jisung had ditched them earlier tonight, locating Chenle and promptly leaving the party with him. Renjun had pretended to be pissed, saying things like 'Jeno's just going to ditch me for Jaemin,' but Jeno knows Renjun's actually happy for Jisung.

And also, it's Renjun who ditches Jeno.

It's all because of the Chinese kids. Kun, Sicheng, Yukhei. They are all older than Renjun but for some reason they think Renjun is cool and Jeno gets tired of listening to discussions in Mandarin that he can't follow.

He lurks around the kitchen for a while, avoiding cheerleaders, fellow athletes and that one guy who mistakenly thinks Jeno's good at math and wants him to be his tutor, and spends a good twenty minutes watching his surroundings.

Jaehyun’s house is fancy but definitely older than Jaemin’s. It looks more lived in, too. There are about one million family pictures on the walls and every room looks warm and cosy. It’s pretty nice, to say the least.

It’s the kind of crowd here that you’d expect at a senior’s party. Jaehyun is vice-captain of the soccer team, so the other members are here, too, talking to girls with too much makeup on their faces or people from other sports teams. The drinks are stronger, the snacks sparser and more expensive, and Jeno watches Jaehyun move through it all with the kind of ease Jeno’s never had once in his life.

Jeno knows he looks confident from the outside, sometimes even cold as long as he doesn’t smile, but he really isn’t. Jaehyun’s the kind of guy Jeno wishes he could be: sure of himself, but never arrogant; nice, but never the kind of nice that makes you a pushover.

'What are you doing here all by your lonesome?' a smooth voice behind him says. When Jeno turns around, Jaemin is smiling at him and, a little behind him, Taeyong.

'Renjun ditched me,' Jeno says, trying not to let Jaemin’s flirty half-smirk fluster him.

'How rude,' Jaemin says. ‘Come sit with us then. Do you even know each other? This is Taeyong, this is Jeno.'

Taeyong smiles shyly. 'Hi.'

Up close, Taeyong must be the most beautiful man Jeno has ever seen, Jaemin being the only exception. His face is delicate, with huge dark eyes and a soft mouth, but his jaw and eyebrows are sharp. He carries himself with a quiet kind of confidence that makes up for his relatively slight built, overshadowed only by his shyness.

Without Jaemin here this would be absolutely disastrous, Jeno thinks. He's not outgoing himself and confronted with a person who's more reserved than he is, he turns into some awkward mess that's even worse than his usual self.

But Jaemin somehow gets Taeyong talking. Jeno can tell they are familiar with each other, perhaps from dance practice, and suddenly they are all discussing favourite dishes. Jeno is apparently the only one who can't cook out of the three of them and Taeyong keeps listing ingredients he's never even heard of but it's nice. Then the clock strikes ten and Jaemin sits up straight like there's some inner calling he has to follow.

'It's time,' he says to Taeyong, who seems to know what that means and gets up from the couch.

'For what?' Jeno asks.

Jaemin stands, pulling Jeno up by the wrists. His smile is blinding but Jeno would never ever look away. 'To dance.'

'You never said I'd have to dance with Taeyong, too,' Jeno complains while Jaemin fiddles with the phone connected to the stereo. There is already a good amount of people around, dancing half-heartedly because the music's still too quiet and too tame, but Jeno has the feeling that’s going to change drastically in the next few minutes. Taeyong is stretching at the side of the room and Jeno’s skin prickles with nerves.

'Taeyong's just a person who's also somewhere on the dance floor,' Jaemin says, waving Jeno off. 'You're not dancing with him.'

'I'll look stupid next to him.' Jeno hesitates. 'I'll look stupid next to you.'

Jaemin lifts one hand to put it against Jeno's cheek, tapping his thumb against his cheekbone, and Jeno's breath catches. 'You'd never look stupid next to me, Jeno.'

Jaemin smiles, taking his hand back and Jeno feels something light up inside him. Some flame that might have been there before, a spark, but Jaemin turned it into a wildfire with just a simple touch and Jeno doesn't know how to contain it. He's never felt like this before, like every single one of his ribs is drenched in gasoline and Jaemin held a match too close.

Then again, Jaemin makes him feel a lot of things he never has before.

Jaemin grins like he can see right through him. Jeno really hopes he can’t.

'I hope you like this song,' Jaemin says, taps something on his phone, and turns the volume up.

Jeno's nervous for about five seconds. The pull of the music is stronger than anything else, though, and Jeno feels it, how the song becomes his, how he becomes the song, the bass shaking his sternum. It’s something fast and upbeat, the kind of music that’s impossible to ignore.

Jeno doesn't even notice how they migrate from the side into the middle of the crowd, who willingly form a circle as soon as they realise Jaemin's going to dance. There is not much space and Jeno has to avoid Taeyong as well, who's everywhere at once, but god – he feels so alive; electric, like something inside him had been asleep and is only waking up now.

He doesn't even really know what he's doing, just lets the music flow through him and his body translates the feeling. He spins and drops and throws his hands up, his lungs already burning, but he's truly, honestly happy.

He hasn't danced like this in a long time, doesn't usually dance in front of people at all, but there's a strange form of satisfaction in the reaction of the crowd. Something tells Jeno they see him now, see him do something he loves so fiercely. This is him now, him and the music, everything else stripped away. He feels it in every fibre of his being and then suddenly there's Jaemin.

And Jaemin is something else entirely.

He is vibrant even in the half-dark, flashing Jeno breathless smiles that he'd go to the ends of the earth for, all fluid movements when he twirls away again.

He's so ethereal, dancing like this. Carefree, like there's not a single worry in the world, maybe because right now it feels like there is no world, there is only them.

They dance around each other until Jaemin catches Jeno's hand, hot and steady, pulling Jeno in. And then they're dancing with each other, reading each other's movements and piecing them together. Jaemin is so close that Jeno can feel his body heat, his breath, every sense so tuned to take in as much of him as possible that it’s nearly overwhelming. Even Taeyong pauses to watch, but Jeno can't take his eyes off of Jaemin, of this pure joy he’s radiating.

Jeno knows he's grinning back, isn't concentrating on the execution of his movements as much as he should, but Jaemin won't look away either. He's so bright, bright, bright, his white teeth, the sheen in his eyes, his youthful face. He's dazzling, like he's the light itself and Jeno’s drunk on it. He doesn't know what's going on around them, he just feels Jaemin's fingers on his pulse, his other hand coming up to Jeno's neck and suddenly Jeno can't breathe anymore.

'You're so fucking amazing,' Jaemin half shouts, half laughs, like he can't really believe what's happening either. Jeno can’t see anything but him. Then Jaemin’s too close, pressed against Jeno's chest in a tight hug that Jeno wants to stay in forever. For a moment it’s the only thing that exists, the only thing that feels real.

But it ends, like everything. Jaemin lets go of Jeno, still absolutely glowing with happiness, and then there are people between them, cheering and dancing and laughing, pushing them apart so suddenly that Jeno doesn’t have time to answer.

And Jeno thinks, damn. Damn, because right then he felt like maybe he would have been brave enough to tell Jaemin. How much he likes him. How beautiful he is. How Jeno’s trying so hard to be just friends and how he’s failing now. How this is probably the best night in his entire life and it’s all thanks to Jaemin. It had felt like the right moment, like Jeno couldn’t have kept it in any longer anyway. There were so many new things spilling out today already. Dancing with Jaemin made him feel invincible.

But it was over so fast and now Jaemin's gone and Jeno's just a coward again.

'That was absolutely amazing,' Renjun nearly screams at Jeno as soon as he runs into him. 'What the fuck, Jeno? That was! Incredible! And Jaemin! And you!'

'Injun,' Jeno says. He feels like he hasn't got his breath back yet, like he's left some part of himself behind on the dance floor, or with Jaemin. Probably the latter. He doesn't feel quite right. The fire's still there but it's burning him now and he needs it to stop, needs Jaemin to come over here and relieve him somehow, just by brushing his shoulder, just by being here.

'What are you looking so emo for?' Renjun asks, taking Jeno by the shoulders and shaking him a little. 'You guys fucking killed it.'

Jeno doesn't know. He misses Jaemin but he's seen him engrossed in conversation with some guys in the living room and doesn't want to bother him. So Jeno just shrugs.

Renjun's expression softens. ‘Why don’t you tell him already? Just to get it off your chest, even though I think... the way he looked at you when you were dancing? He's spending so much time with you –‘

'Stop,' Jeno says. 'Just – stop. I just – I can’t do this right now.'

'You should tell him,' Renjun says.

'What if I can't?'

'Then you show him.'

'What? I'm not just kissing him –‘

'No, you idiot,' Renjun says. 'Send him, I don't know, chocolates or something. Write a letter, whatever. Just get it over with before you hurt yourself.'

Jeno swallows. It already hurts. 'I hate everything about this. I hate crushes. I hate –‘

'You don't hate him. Oh – there he is. Go. Go!'

Jeno doesn't get to say anything; Renjun just pushes him with surprising strength considering his lack in height and Jeno stumbles forward, right into Jaemin.

'Oh, hey!' Jaemin says cheerily, steadying Jeno and then not taking his hands off of him. It’s grounding and agonising all at once. 'Going somewhere?'

Going to murder Renjun, Jeno thinks. 'Uh, no, not really. Where are you going?'

'Wherever the people are,' Jaemin says. His cheeks are tinted red, if from alcohol or something else Jeno doesn't know. He does smell a little like beer. 'Seriously, you killed it today. I'll have to step up my game if I want to keep my title as dancing king. I can't believe you downplayed yourself so much.'

'Thank you,' Jeno says, feeling his own face flush. 'It was fun.'

'Hell yeah, it was. We should do that all the time.'

Jeno nods, even though he knows he would most certainly die if things like that were to happen more often.

'Are you okay?' Jaemin asks. He's looking at Jeno intently, head tilted down to cross the barely existent height difference between them, and Jeno burns inside.

'Yeah, I – just feeling a little lightheaded.'

'Maybe you should drink some water.'

Jeno sees Jaemin's gaze flick down to his mouth and back up to his eyes and he can't say anything. He doesn't hear the music anymore, doesn't notice the people pushing past them, only stares at Jaemin and waits for him to break the moment.

But Jaemin doesn't. He leans forward a little, hesitating like he's asking a question when every cell in Jeno's body is already screaming yes, no matter what for. The rush of blood in Jeno's ears is deafening, the heat almost unbearable, and a part of him wants to run away, escape the tension, but he can’t move a muscle. He can feel Jaemin's breath on his face now, on his lips, every part of his body on alert.

Jeno feels his hands start shaking, how it travels up his body, and Jaemin won’t stop looking at him, keeping him hostage.

‘Jaemin?’ someone shouts, voice piercing through the thick silence that surrounded them, and they both snap out of it, almost jumping apart. Jaemin’s attention is off of Jeno for a second, redirected at whoever that was, but that’s enough to break everything. He looks back at Jeno and gives him a smile that’s much too tight to be real.

‘Go get a glass of water,’ he says softly and then he’s gone.

Jeno’s breath goes too fast, too hard. He barely feels it when he pushes through people, past furniture, until he’s outside.

Jeno doesn't stay, doesn't even tell Renjun that he's leaving. There's only so much he can take in one evening. The night air is so cold it hurts his face but it’s good; it distracts Jeno from everything inside him that’s threatening to cut him up.

Na Jaemin (2:02 AM)

jenoo where r u??

i wanted to ask if u wanted to sleep over since my hgouse is closer :(((

but i cant fin d u

u ok tho?? im worried

jeno jeno jeno

u were amazing tonight

Jeno doesn't know whether he should be disappointed or glad. Who knows what he would have done if he'd slept over. What Jaemin would have done.

Jeno's so confused; for a moment last night he really believed Jaemin liked him back but then – then he looked like he snapped out of some trance. So maybe none of that was real. Maybe Jaemin was too drunk and high on adrenaline and Jeno simply looked good in the light or something. Maybe Jaemin would have kissed anyone in that situation. Almost kissed. Maybe that was just what Jeno wanted to see, betrayed by his own mind playing tricks on him.

There’s no point in playing it through to the end. It’s an almost, will always be an almost, nothing else, nothing more. That’s all, sad as that is.

Jeno's heart is in ashes.

Jeno (12:34 PM)

oh soz

i was just tired yesterday dw

and thank u

for making me dance and stuff

u were great too

On Monday morning, Jeno comes to school a new-born legend. People are hollering at him in the hallways, asking him if he's in a dance team they could follow. Others show him their snapchat stories and Insta posts, snippets of him and Jaemin moving around each other. Jeno's not going to lie, they do look amazing together. Somehow their styles fit. But Jeno can't stop thinking about that strange moment and somehow the ache is stronger than the pride. He thanks everyone but doesn't linger, just pushes on with his day.

Jaemin's not sitting with them at lunch today. Jeno sees him with Yukhei and the rest, laughing like nothing is wrong. There isn't, for him.

'Did something happen?' Jisung asks, poking Jeno in the side to get his attention.

'No,' Jeno says, because that's true. Nothing happened. That's the whole deal.

'Come on, tell us.'

'You'll just say the same thing again,' Jeno says.

Renjun frowns. 'Not if it's something serious.'

'Fine.' Jeno puts his fork down. He's not hungry anyway. 'At the party... Jaemin, he – I don't know, maybe I'm misinterpreting things but he was really close and kind of looked like he was about to kiss me, but then he got distracted and now I – I don't know what to think. Because I don’t know if I’m right or wrong. Maybe I just wanted him to, you know? So really, nothing happened and I’m just an idiot.'

'Oh sweet Jesus,' Jisung says.

'Maybe you should meet up with him,' Renjun says. 'Just you two. And see what happens.'

Jeno nods but he's not sure. He doesn't know if he can take Jaemin's presence right now. This is why he’s been trying to keep his hopes down: he knew from day one how this was going to end. It’s Na Jaemin, what did he expect? He would never go for someone like Jeno. Jeno will never be good enough for something real, nothing but a friend. It’s not Jaemin’s fault that he’s too nice to be true, it’s Jeno’s for being stupid enough to fall for him and believing they could be something more than friends someday.

They won’t be. And Jeno should have known.

‘Jeno,’ Renjun says.

‘It doesn’t matter,’ Jeno says. ‘Let’s talk about something else.’

Na Jaemin (4:12 PM)

heyyy!

wanna do something with me later?

it’s ur turn to pick a movie~

Jeno (4:35 PM)

soz i have training and then homework

Na Jaemin (4:35 PM)

i could help with hw?

Jeno (4:37 PM)

maybe another time

Na Jaemin (4:37 PM)

:(((

ok see u tmr <3

Jeno is studying when Jaemin texts him again a few days after the party. For a moment he thinks about ignoring the messages completely because anything is easier than dealing with these feelings, but Jeno figures he owes Jaemin at least an answer, even if that answer is only a half truth.

Na Jaemin (7:10 PM)

heyy

where were u today??

didnt see u at all :((

Jeno (7:14 PM)

hw and extra practice

why

Na Jaemin (7:14 PM)

just missed u

we r ok tho right??

u can talk to me if anythings wrong u know..

Jeno sighs, putting his phone down for a moment. He hates this, hates lying to Jaemin, hates trying to not run into him at school, but he just can’t look at him right now. If he did, Jaemin would know, he’s sure of it. If they were to talk, Jeno would slip up and ruin whatever they have. And Jaemin is being so nice about it now, blissfully ignorant that this makes everything worse.

It would hurt, to see him, to hang out with him. More than it does now.

Jeno (7:15 PM)

yeah obvs its nothing

just stressed

sorry :(

Na Jaemin (7:15 PM)

dw

fighting lee jeno~

٩(๑>ᴗ<๑)۶ ♡♡♡

Jeno buries his face in the open sociology book and tries to ignore how his heart constricts painfully in this chest.

‘You’re avoiding him,’ Renjun says over a week after the party when they are walking home from school. ‘I’m tired of making excuses, so you better fix this soon.’

Jeno looks up from the pebble he’s been kicking around. ‘Excuses?’

Renjun makes a longsuffering sound. He looks a little like he’s about to beat Jeno’s ass, so Jeno steps aside, just in case. ‘He asks me about you, you know? But I can’t very well tell him hey, Jeno has a fucking crush on you and it turned him into an absolute moron. So I told him you’re pretty busy lately but I won’t keep lying for you.’

‘What else does he say?’ Jeno asks. His chest aches; he’s sorry for avoiding Jaemin but he needed time to get over that near kiss thing. If it even was one. Jeno still doesn’t know. The longer he thinks about it, the more ridiculous it appears to him. Why would Jaemin even want to kiss him?

‘He misses you,’ Renjun says. ‘So you’d do well to talk to him again because one day I’ll snap.’

‘Oh.’

‘What, oh? Is that a yes, okay, I’ll talk to him?’

‘I guess,’ Jeno says. ‘I miss him, too.’

Renjun whines. ‘You’re such an idiot.’

‘I know. I’m going to ask him if he wants to hang out but I don’t wanna do it alone. I just – I can’t right now.’

‘Coward.’

‘Please?’

Renjun side-eyes Jeno for two steps before he shrugs. ‘You’ll never find a better friend that me.’

‘Thanks. You’re the best.’

‘I know.’

‘Don’t ditch me.’

‘I won’t.’

‘Promise?’

‘Promise.’

Jeno links their pinkies together for good measure.

Jeno (9:50 PM)

hey

wanna hang out with renjun and me tmr?

sorry for being mia lately :((

Na Jaemin (9:50 PM)

!!!!

obviously!!

its fine renjun told me u were busy~

Jeno (9:50 PM)

cool see u tmr then!!

Jaemin is early. Of course he is. Jeno hears his voice down in the hall, his mother’s laugh mixing in after he says something.

Oh no.

Jeno practically flies down the stairs, almost tripping, and ends up at the bottom a little out of breath. ‘You’re early.’

Jaemin looks up and Jeno realises it was a terrible mistake to invite him.

‘That’s no way to greet a friend,’ his mum says. To anyone else it probably sounds like an actual reprimand but Jeno sees the malicious joy in her eyes. ‘I haven’t seen you around lately, Jaemin.’

‘Yeah, Jeno was busy,’ Jaemin says, nudging his shoes so that they are parallel to each other.

‘Was he now?’ she says, giving Jeno a raised eyebrow and Jeno decides he has to intervene before he gets exposed.

‘Let’s go,’ Jeno says, waving at Jaemin who follows obediently.

‘God, I haven’t been here in a thousand years,’ Jaemin says and immediately spreads himself out on Jeno’s bed, messing up the sheets when he rolls onto his back.

‘You’re dramatic,’ Jeno says, settling down on his desk chair. Sitting on the bed with Jaemin seems… not safe right now. Jeno already feels fragile enough, tasting his own heart on his tongue every time Jaemin so much as glances at him.

‘I thought you were mad at me, you know,’ Jaemin says. ‘I kept thinking I did something wrong, so I asked Renjun.’

‘I just didn’t really have time for anything,’ Jeno says, looking down. ‘I’m sorry.’

‘I know. And I’m here now! But you’re okay, right?’

Jeno feels even worse for lying, seeing how much it actually bothered Jaemin. ‘Yeah.’ 

‘Okay. What are we doing today?’ Jaemin asks.

‘Probably watching a movie,’ Jeno says. ‘Or playing games. Maybe Renjun has more ideas.’

He does not, so they watch Spiderman. Renjun arrived here late, most likely on purpose, sending Jeno a meaningful look when Jaemin was hanging onto his shoulder upon opening the door, but Jeno ignores him.

Jeno’s bed is already crowded when it’s two people on there, so it’s a near impossibility to accommodate all three of them comfortably. Jaemin is practically sitting on Jeno’s lap, his other side squishing Renjun against the wall. Jeno had suggested to put Renjun in the middle since he’s the smallest but Renjun had given him a look that said ‘I’ll piss in your cereal tomorrow’ and Jaemin had given them one that said ‘I want attention’, so that was that. Five minutes in, Jeno is sweltering and not just because Jaemin is a furnace.

‘This is not ideal,’ he says finally. As nice at it is to have Jaemin so close, he’s pretty bony, too, and Jeno’s thigh is getting numb.

‘Sitting on the floor is not going to be any better,’ Renjun says.

Jaemin reaches forward to pause the movie. ‘Give me a second, I’m boiling.’

Then he pulls his hoodie off without moving away first, hitting Jeno’s temple with the hard edge of his elbow.

Jeno, who was concentrating on not staring at the tan skin of Jaemin’s lower back that appeared by pulling up the shirt underneath the hoodie, groans and almost falls out of the bed.

‘Oh fuck, sorry, Jeno!’ Jaemin exclaims, pulling Jeno up. ‘C’mere, let me kiss it better.’

Jeno is absently aware of Renjun shrieking with laughter but is too busy avoiding Jaemin’s kissy-face to snap at him. ‘Stop – oh my god –‘

Jaemin wins, like always, pressing his lips to Jeno’s temple with a disgusting wet noise, except Jeno doesn’t actually find it disgusting and kind of wants him to do it again. He wipes Jaemin’s spit off anyway and he catches Renjun’s eyes for a second, quickly looking away.

Jaemin gets up to finish getting out of his hoodie without jeopardising anyone and then settles back down between the others.

‘Let Renjun in the middle,’ Jeno tries again. ‘You’re too fucking heavy.’

‘Are you saying I’m fat?’ Jaemin asks.

‘No. I’m saying it’s uncomfortable.’

‘You never complained all the other times, though.’

Both Jeno and Renjun choke on air but Renjun recovers first. ‘Perhaps I should leave you two alone?’

‘Don’t you dare,’ Jeno says firmly, clicking the play button.

‘We can switch if you want,’ Jaemin says.

Jeno thinks about it, how Jaemin would probably circle Jeno’s waist with his arms. That might be even worse. ‘Just shut up.’

Jeno can’t feel his left leg and he’s pretty sure he smells like stress sweat by the time the movie’s over but at least Renjun stopped making innuendos that Jaemin either ignored or didn’t get.

Though he probably didn’t even hear the last bunch because he fell asleep. It makes Jeno wonder if there’s a reason why he’s always so tired or if he just likes taking naps in comfortable places.

‘What do I do?’ Jeno speak-whispers, pointing at Jaemin who’s about to drool on Jeno’s shoulder. ‘Should I wake him up?’

Renjun shrugs. ‘I can see myself out.’

‘You can’t leave me here with him!’

‘I said I’d be home for dinner! I can show you the chat with mum if you don’t believe me. Also stop pretending you’re not friends.’

‘Ugh, fine. Give me one second.’ Jeno extracts himself from Jaemin’s clutches, careful to not wake him up. Jaemin stirs a little, but Jeno quickly gives him a pillow to hug and he stays silent.

They go downstairs quietly and Renjun gets his coat and shoes.

‘Well, if that wasn’t the cutest thing ever,’ Renjun says.

Jeno makes a face. ‘He’s always like that.’

‘With you.’ Renjun grins. ‘Whatever, you know my opinion. You should make a move before he wakes up one morning and notices what a tremendous idiot you are.’

‘And here I thought you were my best friend,’ Jeno says but he’s smiling, too.

‘Don’t make a fool out of yourself, you big softie,’ Renjun says, slaps Jeno’s shoulder and leaves.

Jeno goes to the kitchen to retrieve a snack since going to his room is not really an option right now. He wouldn’t be able to not stare at Jaemin while he sleeps and that would definitely be creepy.

‘Have your friends gone home?’

Jeno startles, dropping his Snickers, and curses as he turns to find his mum standing at the other side of the counter. ‘Mum. Can you maybe not sneak up on unsuspecting family members?’

She laughs. ‘I’m sorry, I heard the door. You should eat something proper for dinner, you know? We have leftovers from yesterday, I told you.’

‘Jaemin’s still here, though,’ Jeno says, feeling a familiar heat rise on his face. ‘Asleep upstairs.’

His mum makes a suggestive ‘uuuh’ sound. ‘That’s cute. When he wakes up, ask him if he wants dinner, okay?’

‘No,’ Jeno says. ‘I’ll send him home because it’s getting late and I need a break. Also please stop trying to expose me!’

‘What if he just needs a little hint?’

‘He doesn’t! This is none of your business anyway!’

She laughs again. ‘He’s adorable, though.’

Jeno doesn’t answer because, yes, he is. It’s really bad for Jeno’s general condition. Sometimes when he’s doing homework he zones out, just thinking of Jaemin and picturing romantic scenarios, and doesn’t realise until a mortifying amount of time has passed. But he’s past the point of recovery and it’s not even his fault when one Na Jaemin exists, is it?

‘You’ve got it bad, huh?’ his mum says with a smirk.

‘You know what?’ Jeno says. ‘I’m waking him up and then I’m kicking him out and then I’m packing my bags to move to the other side of the country.’

She’s about to say something else, probably equally distressing, but the stairs creak and they both pause.

Jaemin appears in the threshold a moment later, looking a little dishevelled but otherwise alert. ‘Sorry I fell asleep.’

‘No problem,’ Jeno says and holds out the Snickers, trying to ignore his mother’s burning gaze. ‘Do you want a snack?’

Jaemin opens his mouth but Jeno’s mum intervenes. ‘You could stay for dinner.’

Jaemin smiles at her, then looks back at Jeno, who tries to make a face that conveys ‘no’ without being obvious or impolite. ‘Uh… thanks for the offer but I really don’t want to be a burden.’

‘You’re never a burden,’ she says. ‘Isn’t that right, Jeno?’

Jeno gives up. He opens the fridge with a sigh, knowing fully well that Jaemin and his mum are beaming at each other.

‘I don’t actually know anything about soccer but I thought I should at least watch one match since Jeno never shuts up about it,’ Jaemin is saying, gesturing enthusiastically. ‘And to be honest, it wasn’t as boring as I expected! I had a lot of fun and Jeno seemed so happy when he won. So, yeah, it was pretty cool.’

‘That’s so sweet! Jeno never told me you went to see him play,’ his mum says with a side-glare.

Of course I didn’t, Jeno thinks bitterly. I would never have heard the end of it.

He’s been staying quiet, watching the disaster unfold. They are having dinner in the living room since Jeno’s father is on a business trip and his mum immediately started interviewing Jaemin, just like last time.

Except this time his mum possesses sensitive information.

‘First of all, of course soccer’s not boring, you’re all just mean,’ Jeno intervenes. ‘Second of all, I don’t talk about it that much. And third, it wasn’t that great of a game.’

‘Stop downplaying yourself,’ Jaemin says, touching Jeno’s thigh casually, which unfortunately doesn’t go unnoticed by Jeno’s mum. ‘And yes, you do, you just don’t notice.’

‘I second that,’ his mum says.

‘He basically told me he can’t dance,’ Jaemin says to her. ‘I almost made a fool out of myself once.’

‘You did not,’ Jeno says, flushing yet again.

Jaemin turns to look at him. ‘But almost!’

‘You dance, too, Jaemin?’

‘Yes, I do. I’m in a local dance team, sometimes we do like show cases and stuff.’

‘That sounds lovely! Give us an invite next time, okay? I’d love to watch.’

Jaemin looks stunned for a moment. ‘Really?’

‘Really,’ she says. ‘Jeno never lets me see anything and dance is a wonderful thing. So let Jeno know and I’ll be there.’

‘Sure!’ Jaemin seems three inches taller now, humming with energy. Jeno has the feeling he’ll be dragged along to that showcase and half of him is happy about it while the other half of him knows it’s going to absolutely obliterate him.

It’s past ten by the time Jeno’s mum finally lets Jaemin go. ‘Gosh, it’s late. I’d drive you home but my husband has the car. Can your mum pick you up?’

‘It’s fine, I’ll walk,’ Jaemin says easily.

‘But it’s really late already.’

And because Jeno apparently hasn’t suffered enough today and is a complete moron thanks to Jaemin, he says, ‘I’ll walk you.’

‘You really don’t have to,’ Jaemin says but Jeno can see the joy in his eyes.

‘You’ve walked me home like a hundred times,’ Jeno says, pulling his jacket off the hook. ‘I can do it once.’

‘Okay, but hurry back, Jeno, you hear me?’ his mum says. ‘Jaemin, make sure to send him right back.’ So I can torture my son a little more.

Jaemin grins. ‘Don’t worry.’

They are quiet for the first few minutes and all Jeno can think about is how stupid he’s being. After over a week of self-inflicted Jaemin-deprivation he really spent the whole day with him, like it’s not overexposure or anything. He’s going to die tonight, when he’s lying in his bed that will undoubtedly smell like fresh laundry and lemon grass and spring, and then again tomorrow when his mother won’t leave him alone. Renjun is already texting him, too, asking if anything happened and Jeno’s not sure what to answer. Technically nothing did but things still felt different today. Maybe because the last time he hung out with Jaemin Jeno thought Jaemin was about to kiss him.

Jeno really shouldn’t be thinking about that when walking down an empty road with Jaemin.

‘I really like your mum,’ Jaemin says quietly, sounding subdued. ‘You’re lucky to have her.’

‘I guess I am,’ Jeno says. Apart from her never-ending curiosity and her inability to keep to herself, she’s probably not so bad. But maybe what Jaemin’s really saying is that he doesn’t have that luck, even though Jeno always perceived Jaemin’s mother as friendly.

‘Do you really think she’d come to a show case?’ Jaemin asks.

‘Definitely. She loves watching me dance but I never let her, so she’ll most definitely watch you.’ Jeno hesitates. ‘Because she likes you. Do your parents not go?’

Jaemin snorts. ‘Not anymore.’

‘My parents don’t come to my games anymore, either.’

‘I guess we get boring after a while, huh?’ Jaemin says and now he’s back to his old self. He pushes against Jeno’s shoulder, a light in his eyes that Jeno already knows well. ‘Race you to that lamppost?’

Jaemin gets a head start by not waiting for Jeno’s reaction but Jeno is competitive and trains four days a week. Jaemin may be fast but this is the only way he even stands a chance and they both know it from previous experiences. Sometimes, though, Jeno lets him win just because Jaemin’s smile gets extra bright.

‘You’re getting slower, huh?’ Jaemin says, leaning against the lamppost that he reached first, catching his breath.

‘I just ate too much,’ Jeno pants.

‘Lies,’ Jaemin says. ‘I ate way more than you.’

‘Just shut up.’

‘Sore loser.’

‘Annoying winner.’

They continue walking, albeit more slowly now.

‘You’d come to my show case, too, right?’ Jaemin asks.

‘Obviously,’ Jeno says. ‘Why is it so important?’

‘It isn’t.’

‘It is, I can tell.’

Jaemin shrugs, slowing down even more when his house comes into view. ‘This is going to sound so stupid.’

‘Can’t be worse than anything else you say.’

Jaemin laughs and slaps Jeno’s shoulder playfully. ‘Shut up.’

‘So are you going to tell me or not?’

‘I don’t know, it’s just. I like being appreciated, I guess? But my parents don’t care and neither do my friends because they see me dance all the damn time at parties but a show case is different. You know, because it’s not just me? And it’s more official somehow? Ugh, I told you this was stupid, I’m just an attention hoe, that’s –‘

‘Jaemin,’ Jeno says carefully and Jaemin looks at him. ‘That’s not stupid at all. Give me a time and location and we’ll be there.’

Jaemin doesn’t say anything for a moment. ‘I – okay. Okay. Thank you.’

They are standing in front of Jaemin’s house now and Jaemin is fiddling with the keys, apparently hesitant to go inside even though it’s still cold out. It makes the spark of hope that Jeno has been trying to trample out light up a little.

‘I guess I’ll see you tomorrow at school,’ Jeno says.

‘Yeah.’ Jaemin finally steps back, unlocking the door. ‘See you.’

Jeno is almost down the street already when Jaemin runs after him.

‘Wait! I forgot your hug,’ Jaemin says breathlessly, crashing into Jeno. It’s a proper Na Jaemin hug, one of those that engulf himcompletely and make him feel small, but in a good way. In a protected way. In the I like you and want you to know way. They never last long enough, though. ‘There. Now go home before your mum gets mad.’

Jeno smiles all the way home and even when his mum starts teasing him, because Jaemin must really be the most precious person on earth.

Jeno updates Renjun and Jisung the next day when they hang out. It’s a rare occasion since Chenle happened and Renjun stopped bitching about it just long enough for Jeno to get his story out.

‘You’re so fucking gay I can’t believe I didn’t question you earlier,’ Renjun says.

‘It’s no use without the confidence,’ Jisung says. ‘You’re going to be stuck as a friend if you don’t ask him out soon.’

Jeno groans. ‘I know. But I seriously don’t think I even have a chance, so maybe it’s better to be just friends.’

‘Is it just me or is this conversation getting repetitive?’ Renjun asks and Jisung nods in affirmation.

‘You guys suck at advice,’ Jeno complains.

‘And you suck at growing a pair,’ Jisung snaps. ‘Don’t wait around.’

But that’s exactly what Jeno does. He keeps waiting for some kind of sign that would tell him Jaemin likes him more than the others but it never comes. Jaemin is still super clingy with him because it’s just what Jaemin does. He hugs people whether he knows them or not, kisses his friends on the cheeks whether they want him to or not. Jeno’s seen him cuddle people on the couch while watching something, clinging to people’s backs while they’re talking, holding people’s hands when they’re going somewhere. That’s just Jaemin: sweet, affectionate, so, so easy with touch.

Jeno is no exception to that which also means he’s not special. When Jaemin hugs him and kisses his nape that day it means nothing. Jeno means nothing. Probably won’t ever, not like that, and Jeno thinks someday maybe he’ll be okay with that, even if it’s not any time soon. He’ll just have to swallow it down, this mix of hopes and wishes and disappointments. It’s going to hurt but looking at Jaemin and never being close enough, never being good enough, is always going to hurt more.

It’s Friday evening when Jeno runs into Jaemin behind the supermarket.

It’s not a nice place, littered with empty beer cans, ripped tissues and old cardboard scraps but Jeno lost the chain for his bike and he figured people are less likely to steal it when it isn’t at the front where everyone walks past it.

So it’s pretty late and Jeno rounds the corner to pick it up where he’s leaned it against the concrete ramp at the back and finds Jaemin there instead.

At first Jeno doesn’t even think it’s him. He’s wearing dark clothes, hair stringy and face in shadows.

Also he’s smoking.

‘Jaemin?’

Jaemin flinches, whipping around and only relaxing slightly when he recognises Jeno. He drops the cigarette, though, and crushes it under his heal. It’s a practiced motion and it makes Jeno feel strange. A little betrayed, too. Maybe Jaemin is a bit of a delinquent after all.

‘What are you going here?’ Jaemin asks.

‘Picking up my bike.’

Jaemin glances at the bike and back at Jeno. ‘Oh.’

It’s quiet and Jeno tries to sort out his thoughts. It’s like a different Jaemin is standing in front of him; there’s nothing bright about him right now. Jeno had guessed there must be a side like this of him, too, a troubled side, but Jeno didn’t expect to see it.

‘Please don’t tell anyone about this,’ Jaemin says and Jeno can tell that this is important to him.

‘Do you do this often?’ Jeno asks.

Jaemin shakes his head. ‘Only when I get really stressed out. I swear.’

Jeno decides they have been friends for long enough now. He sits down on the edge of the ramp, careful to avoid trash, and gestures for Jaemin to do the same, which he does.

‘I’ll listen,’ Jeno says. He can feel Jaemin’s body warmth with how close they are sitting, even though they are not touching anywhere. Not yet. With Jaemin it’s only a matter of time.

‘It’s nothing,’ Jaemin says. His breath smells like ash and Jeno hates it.

‘You wouldn’t be upset if it was.’

‘Fair.’

‘Is it something at school?’

‘No, it’s – it’s home.’ Jaemin starts picking at the dead skin on his bottom lip until Jeno nudges him in the side. He drops his hands back down in his lap, starts leaning into Jeno’s shoulder and Jeno puts an arm around him. They stay quiet and Jeno is beginning to think that maybe Jaemin doesn’t talk about his problems at all, just seeks physical comfort and considers that enough.

‘My parents fight a lot,’ Jaemin says then. ‘Always have but it’s worse lately. And I’m – scared, I guess, of what happens when – if they break up.’

‘Shit, I’m sorry, Jaemin. You know you can like, come over anytime, right?’

‘I know. It’s just. I hate hearing it. And there’s other things, too, like, I wanna tell them – I wanna come out but I know for a fact that mum would hate me. I just know. It feels like I’m hiding this huge part of myself at home. Or anywhere, really, except when I’m with you.’

That’s a surprise. Jeno thinks of Jaemin’s mother, her warm dark eyes, her smile that’s so similar to Jaemin’s. She’s always so accommodating when Jeno comes over, offering snacks and giving them space. Jeno figures you don’t really know a family until you’re in it.

‘I don’t know, I usually don’t care,’ Jaemin continues. ‘But lately I’ve been feeling – trapped, I guess. I want this off my chest but I don’t want to make things worse for myself, either. I can’t win and it’s – it makes me sad sometimes. And then I get stressed out and do stupid things.’

‘That’s valid. The feelings bit, I mean. I still think smoking isn’t the best way to express them,’ Jeno says softly, shifting closer. ‘If you think it’s a bad idea or something to come out, maybe you shouldn’t. Or maybe start small with a friend you trust.’

‘You know, Jeno, you’re really the only person I actually trust.’

That hits home. It’s a nice thing to hear but Jeno’s heart aches because Jaemin has so many friends. Has always had all those people around him and probably never said anything. Everything is strange, so he just says what he’s thinking. ‘Do you want to sleep over? Just text your mum or something.’

Jaemin looks at him from the side and Jeno sees that he wants to, sees the gratitude but also a foreign kind of insecurity. ‘Won’t that bother you?’

Jeno raises a brow. ‘Oh, suddenly you care about whether your presence bothers me?’

Jaemin snorts. ‘Alright, fine.’

So that’s what they do. They ride home on Jeno’s bike with Jaemin on the rack, stretching his long legs out on either side to keep balance. By the time they are pulling into Jeno’s street Jaemin is laughing again.

Jeno gives him a spare toothbrush and some clothes to sleep in, looking away when Jaemin pulls his sweater off without preamble.

There’s no discussion about where Jaemin sleeps. He just slips under the covers with Jeno, immediately clinging to him. He needs it tonight, Jeno guesses. Really needs someone.

Jeno would like to know why Jaemin doesn’t talk about his problems much, and why he talks to Jeno about them out of everyone he could choose. He wants to know how bad these fights are and if Jaemin ever got caught up in them. The thought makes him sad. Jaemin carried all of that around for who knows how long without ever letting anyone know something was wrong. Not even Jeno noticed.

‘I know you have Renjun and Jisung,’ Jaemin says quietly. ‘So I don’t expect you to, like, feel the same, but I think you’re my best friend.’

Jeno’s heart nearly bursts as he feels it break into double speed. ‘You’re my best friend, too. Right along with the others.’

‘Really?’ Jaemin’s smiling, Jeno knows without seeing him.

‘Really.’

It’s already noon when they get up and Jeno’s mother looks fazed for about three seconds before she starts smiling. ‘Morning, boys. Or should I say afternoon?’

‘Is there food?’ Jeno asks, already going through cupboards.

‘I have to run some errands in a minute but if you can wait until I’m back I can make lunch,’ she says. ‘Or you have to make something yourself. There’s cereal.’

‘I can cook,’ Jaemin says, perking up. He’s still wearing Jeno’s clothes and Jeno can’t help but stare at his bare legs before he catches himself. ‘Simple things, I mean, like an omelette if that’s okay.’

Jeno’s mum beams. ‘Perfect! See, Jeno, if you’d pay attention to me you could do that as well. Maybe Jaemin can teach you.’

It’s Jaemin’s turn to smile. ‘That would be fun.’

It would not, but Jeno doesn’t want Jaemin to stop smiling when he didn’t feel well just yesterday. ‘Fine.’

‘I’ll see you later then. Don’t burn the house down,’ Jeno’s mum says and leaves with a suggestive wink in Jeno’s direction which he chooses to ignore.

‘Right, Jeno,’ Jaemin says, rubbing his hands and making a start for the fridge. ‘How do you like your eggs in the morning?’

Cooking with Jaemin is surprisingly fun, even though Jaemin gets really bossy and then doesn’t even let Jeno do what he’s told him to do.

Jeno thinks it’s probably all about getting to hang out with Jaemin when he’s so carefree and even though Jeno wants to know more about Jaemin’s home situation, he can’t bring himself to ask. It would just ruin the mood and right now Jaemin is whistling along to the song on the radio and it’s just a perfect noon. Outside it’s still grey and chilly but Jeno feels like spring is just around the corner. Jaemin makes everything lighter, even those colourless days between the seasons.

‘All done,’ Jaemin says and hands Jeno a plate with a proud expression. They sit down on the counter since no one is home to stop them and Jaemin keeps glancing at Jeno as if to gauge his reaction. ‘Is it alright?’

‘Alright?’ Jeno swallows a bite. He’d probably eat anything Jaemin makes. ‘It’s the best breakfast I’ve had in a while.’

‘Don’t lie,’ Jaemin orders but he’s smiling, cheeks pink.

They do the dishes together at a snail’s pace because they both know Jaemin has to go home soon. The mood suffers a little and eventually they are just standing in the kitchen, Jaemin biting at his bottom lip, Jeno trying not to look at his mouth. The air around them feels different than usual, more fragile somehow, like something about the two of them has changed overnight. Jeno wonders if it’s because Jaemin told him a secret, or because Jeno’s lost the last bit of control over his feelings.

‘I guess I should head back,’ Jaemin says eventually. ‘Thanks for letting me stay here and everything. Really.’

‘It’s what best friends do,’ Jeno says and Jaemin smiles. ‘Are you going to be okay?’

Jaemin shrugs. ‘I guess.’

‘Don’t smoke again. Just come over here or call me, or something.’

‘Okay. I’ll, uh, go get changed.’ He gestures to his borrowed clothes. ‘I’ll take them with me to wash them.’

‘Don’t be silly,’ Jeno says. ‘Just leave them in my room.’

‘Okay.’

‘Want me to walk you home?’

Jaemin shakes his head. ‘I’m fine.’

‘Okay.’

So Jaemin leaves, but not before hugging Jeno for a long time, and Jeno stays in the door for a while after Jaemin’s out of sight, letting the fresh wind curl around him.

Jeno finds the borrowed clothes on his bed, hurriedly folded. And if he changes into the shirt Jaemin wore to sleep then maybe that’s his business. It smells faintly of sweat and sleep but mostly just like Jaemin.

Na Jaemin (2:13 PM)

hey!!

so next sat my dance team has a show case~

i wanted to invite u personally but i didnt see u today so

its at the gym place next to the sports building at 5pm ^^

Jeno (2:14 PM)

cool ill tell mum!!

should i invite the others too?

Na Jaemin (2:14 PM)

only if u want to

tbh i just want u to come lol

i mean

as a fellow dancer and everything

Jeno (2:17 PM)

mum says shes looking forward to it

haha alright ill be there for sure

Na Jaemin (2:17 PM)

<333

‘How’s it going with you and Chenle?’ Jeno asks, leaning back against the wall of the practice room to catch his breath. Jisung is still standing in front of the mirror, slowly repeating a move. He looks at Jeno through his reflection, half suspicious.

‘Couldn’t be better,’ he says.

Jeno crosses his arms. ‘Really? You never tell us anything.’

‘Well, not everyone can be a chatterbox like you.’

‘If anyone’s a chatterbox it’s Chenle.’

‘Why don’t you ask him then?’

Jeno lets out a frustrated groan. ‘You’re so annoying.’

Jisung grins and turns around, sitting down next to Jeno. ‘How’s it going with you and Jaemin?’

‘Couldn’t be better.’

‘Ha, yeah, right. Are you really that scared of being rejected?’ Jisung asks. ‘You know, if you don’t ask him out, someone else will, and you’ll lose him regardless. If you do ask him out and he rejects you it’s going to be awkward for a while and things would suck, but if he doesn’t reject you, which is more likely, it’s gonna be the best thing ever.’

Jeno groans. He’s started this conversation to talk about Jisung’s relationship, not to be confronted with his cowardice. ‘How did you do it?’

They are quiet for a moment. When Jeno looks over, Jisung is smiling peacefully and it makes Jeno realise just how grown up he is now. Not the tiny kid with the bowl cut anymore who didn’t know how to talk to strangers, always trying to hide behind Renjun until he grew too tall. An actual boy now, doing shit like falling in love with another boy.

‘This is embarrassing,’ Jisung says. ‘But we were at his house and, I don’t know, I was just looking at him. And then I was like, hey, let’s go on a date, and he was like, what? And then I told him I really liked him and he said it back, so… that’s really all it was.’

‘But how – where did the courage come from?’ Jeno asks.

Jisung shrugs. ‘It was just there. I wasn’t even that scared, I just kind of didn’t care anymore. Because, you know, at least I tried. I was like, I can’t possibly stay friends with him if I keep feeling like this, so something had to change and I just… god, this is so cheesy. But I looked at him and you know, when you really like someone… I thought it would be okay. I wasn’t sure if he liked me back but I needed him to know anyway and I would rather have risked our friendship than kept hiding it. I couldn’t have.’

‘Damn, that’s cute.’

Jisung punches Jeno’s shoulder. ‘That’s all you have to say? I give you my valuable advice to get on with Jaemin and this is all you do?’

‘Sorry. It’s just – difficult.’

‘I know. But I promise it’s worth it.’

Jeno lets his head tip back until it hits the wall and closes his eyes. ‘He invited me to his show case. I don’t know how I’m supposed to watch him without having him find out everything.’

‘Just don’t hide it then.’

‘I’m scared.’

‘Jeno.’

Jeno opens his eyes at Jisung’s tone. He looks frustrated and but also like he’s pitying him. Jeno is not sure which one is worse.

‘What exactly is Jaemin to you?’ Jisung asks.

‘What do you mean?’

‘I mean, do you think he’s just a crush? Temporary? Because if he is, if you think it’s going away, then you shouldn’t tell him. But if you’re in too deep, being just friends is not going to go well for you and we both know that. Trying to be friends with someone you like that much is gonna fuck you up.’

‘I know.’

‘You really like him, don’t you?’

Jeno thinks of how Jaemin’s scent clings to his clothes after every time they hang out. How his touch burns on Jeno’s skin, no matter how gentle or brief. How he never ever gets tired of seeing Jaemin laugh and how that makes him wish he was a more fun person to be around. ‘Yeah.’

‘Then what are you asking me all these questions for? You know what to do.’

‘I just. I guess I needed some reassurance?’

‘Was that reassuring enough?’

It wasn’t. ‘I hope so.’

‘One day he’s gonna figure it out anyway,’ Jisung says. ‘Chenle always says you can’t hide a matter from the heart. Everyone thinks they’re the exception but actually we all suck when it comes to hiding real feelings and Jaemin’s not stupid.’

‘What the fuck. You’re kids, how do you know these things?’

Jisung just snorts and gets up, and Jeno eventually follows him to practice some more.

‘Don’t you think that’s a little overkill?’ Jeno asks, warily eyeing the bouquet of flowers his mother is holding with an excited smile. ‘He’s not even your son. He’s literally just my friend.’

‘For now,’ she says with a wink. ‘Also I won’t be the one handing them to him.’

‘Uh, excuse me?’

She grins even wider. ‘You should give them to him afterwards. It’s nice.’

Jeno stares at her for a moment longer before he decides it’s easier to ignore this. ‘Oh my god. Let’s just go in.’

The venue is smaller than Jeno thought it would be, but then again, it’s just a school-based dance team that isn’t even registered as an official club with the schoolboard. There are already lots of people here, though. Jeno recognises some of the students but there are many family members, too.

They find two seats near the centre with a decent view and Jeno fidgets with the wrapping around the flowers. As far as he can tell, they are the only ones who’ve brought some.

It’s already ten to five which means the show case should start soon and Jeno’s reconsidering everything because he’s most definitely going to lose his mind. He hasn’t even seen Jaemin yet, so he can only imagine what it will be like to sit here and watch him, trying not to look like he’s head over heels for him.

‘You’re so nervous,’ his mum teases.

‘He might be really bad,’ Jeno says, even though that’s the least of his concerns.

‘Don’t even try.’ Luckily she doesn’t get to say anything else because the lights dim, leaving only the small stage illuminated. There’s a fog machine, too, albeit a cheap one, but Jeno’s heart nearly hammers out of his chest anyway when the music starts.

An intro plays when five people come on stage and Jeno identifies the silhouette to the left of the centre spot as Jaemin’s. Taeyong is there, too, and someone Jeno thinks is called Ten.

The lights flash, the team now clearly visible and Jeno almost chokes because they are all wearing flimsy white shirts that are at least three sizes too big and skin-tight black jeans. Honestly, they might be leggings, Jeno’s not sure if it would make a difference. Everyone looks amazing but Jaemin – Jaemin looks out of this world.

And then the first performance begins when the song starts playing. It’s the same song Jaemin danced to with Jeno at the party and Jeno wonders if Jaemin chose it on purpose back then.

Jeno reaches for his mother’s hand and for once she doesn’t say anything, just squeezes back and keeps watching.

Jeno’s sanity returns only very slowly. After the last performance he just sits there for a full minute, silent while everyone else already bustles around to leave, and his mum’s expression changes from amused to concerned.

‘I’ll get us something to drink,’ she says. ‘Wait here.’

The thing is, Jeno already knew that Jaemin’s a great dancer. He’s seen him, he shouldn’t be surprised. But there was something different today, about the way he was so in sync with his team, how he stood out even next to Taeyong, how he seemed so much more focussed.

Then there was this one dance break in that one song where Jaemin had a solo part and Jeno felt the last bit of his heart fly off into space and suddenly he was sure that this is more than a crush. It’s bigger now, feels bigger. It makes him think of what Jisung said, how it might be worth the risk. How it seems impossible to hide.

Minutes pass like this and Jeno spots some of the other dancers mix into the thinning crowd. Jaemin must be somewhere here, too, and sure enough Jeno sees him not far from where he’s seated. He’s talking to a group of students, mostly girls, who all hug him one by one and then smile and toss their hair, flustered and obviously smitten.

Jeno hates it. He gets up, waving and calling until he finally catches Jaemin’s attention.

Jaemin’s whole face lights up as he makes his way over, ditching the girls and weaving his way around people, until he’s right there.

Jeno wasn’t ready to see Jaemin up close. Now that he’s standing right in front of him it’s obvious that he’s wearing makeup and Jeno just about loses it. Jaemin’s eyeliner is smudged and strands of his hair are plastered to his skin with sweat. Jeno’s been trying really hard not to think about him that way but he’s just a teenage boy and Jaemin is undeniably the most attractive person he’s ever seen.

Jeno doesn’t trust his voice right now, so he just picks up the bunch of flowers and shoves them at Jaemin, who smiles so wide that Jeno wants to start crying.

‘These are for me?’ Jaemin asks, like he just got handed some life changing present and not some cut-off plants that probably won’t even last a week. He seems a little perplexed as well and Jeno is painfully aware of how this looks; friends don’t really give each other flowers, especially not boys.

‘My mum bought them for you,’ he says quickly.

‘Oh my. Where is she?’ Jaemin asks, craning his neck to scan the crowd behind Jeno. ‘I need to thank her right now immediately.’

‘She’s getting something to drink, she’ll be here soon.’

Jaemin stops searching and shifts his attention back to Jeno. God, he hasn’t stopped grinning and he looks so fucking iridescent. ‘So. Did you like it?’

‘Like? I loved it.’ Jeno flushes. ‘Perhaps I’m biased but I think you were the best.’

Jaemin makes a little squealing sound and Jeno just can’t take it anymore.

‘Put down those flowers, so I can hug the lights out of you,’ he says.

Jaemin’s eyes widen. ‘But I’m all sweaty and gross.’

‘I don’t care.’ Jeno has a weird déjà vu moment, remembering Jaemin saying the same things to him at his soccer game and he finally understands. Sure, Jaemin’s skin is sticky but he’s so, so beautiful and Jeno likes him so much he thinks he’d hug him in any condition. Jaemin hugs him back and he’s warm and familiar and Jeno can’t let go.

‘Mrs Lee!’ Jaemin exclaims suddenly, practically pushing Jeno away to get to his mum. ‘Thank you so much for the flowers! I hope you enjoyed the performances.’

She laughs, handing both of them plastic cups that are filled with Coke. ‘Those are from Jeno, I only had the idea.’

Jeno is about to panic and snap at her for betrayal but Jaemin snakes an arm around Jeno’s waist, pulling him close. ‘You’re so cute.’

‘You were really amazing,’ Jeno’s mum says. ‘Your parents must be terribly proud of you.’

Jeno watches a slight shadow pass over Jaemin’s face but it’s gone as quickly as it came. ‘Thank you.’

‘Are you guys hungry?’ she asks. ‘I was thinking we could run through McDrive on the way home.’

‘You’ve already done enough just by showing up,’ Jaemin says, the tips of his ears turning pink.

‘Jaemin,’ Jeno says and he feels like saying his name now already sounds like a confession. Jaemin, I think I’m falling in love with you. ‘You were so, so good. Just say yes.’

So Jaemin does with a flustered laugh, his fingers still lingering on Jeno’s hip bone.

Jeno and his mum wait in the car while Jaemin gets changed and collects his things.

‘How do people deal with feelings?’ he asks, closing his eyes and leaning back against the head rest.

‘They act on them,’ she says. ‘Maybe it’s time to tell him.’

‘What if he rejects me?’

‘Honestly I don’t think he would. He’s always smiling at you.’

‘But what if he does anyway?’

‘You know, sometimes that’s just something you have to go through. Wouldn’t it be okay, knowing you at least tried?’

That’s a fair point but Jeno’s scared. Of being rejected. Of losing Jaemin as his friend. Everyone keeps telling him the same thing about risks and chances but Jeno doesn’t know if he could handle a life without Jaemin in it.

‘I know it seems like an impossible thing to you right now,’ she says. ‘But it’s not going to be the end of the world even if he doesn’t like you like that. But if he does, it’s going to be worth it. It’s your decision.’

‘Wow. Why do you tease me when you could be giving me actual advice like this?’

She laughs and then they spot Jaemin skipping across the almost empty parking lot, bag slung over his shoulder. He looks carefree, now dressed in sweats and his hair tousled, but he’s not any less striking than he was in his white shirt.

‘He’s a lovely person,’ his mum says fondly. ‘No one can blame you for liking him.’

They go to McDonald’s and hang out in the parking lot for a while until Jeno’s mum finishes her burger and starts up the car. Jeno and Jaemin spend the ride in the back, talking about everything and nothing, and Jaemin shares his milkshake with him. Jeno almost forgets that his mum is there. It’s so nice like this, when Jaemin’s attention belongs to Jeno only, when he doesn’t feel like he’s less than others. He snaps out of it when his mother stops the car with a ‘here we are, Jaemin.’

‘Thank you for coming,’ Jaemin says. ‘And for the food and driving me home.’

Jeno’s mum smiles. ‘It was a pleasure.’

Jaemin turns to Jeno and Jeno wants to sink through the ground right into hell.

‘Did you like it?’ Jaemin asks with a smirk.

‘You already know,’ Jeno says.

‘I just want to hear it again.’

Jeno snorts. ‘You were amazing.’

‘I know.’ Jaemin leans forward quickly and kisses Jeno’s cheek, apparently unbothered that Jeno’s mum is downright gaping at them through the rear-view mirror. Contrary to Jeno, he doesn’t even blush, just flashes them both another light smile and leaves.

‘Oh my god,’ Jeno says, watching Jaemin vanish inside his house, face on fire. ‘Please don’t say anything.’

His mum laughs, obviously not listening. ‘Are you sure he’s just a friend?’

Jeno isn’t, but he doesn’t say it.

By now it’s the middle of March and with it comes the first day of complete sunshine. It coaxes those students outside during lunch that have dressed warmly enough or don’t care about catching a cold because despite the sun it’s still pretty chilly.

Jaemin doesn’t belong to either of those categories but he’s still outside with them, trying to convince one of them to let him hug them to keep warm. Jisung has already rejected him, so he’s moved on to Jeno.

‘It’s your own fault for dressing like an idiot,’ Jeno says, pushing Jaemin away for the third time. Maybe he’d let him into his jacket if he wasn’t trying to eat lunch or keep his nerves intact. ‘Go cuddle someone else.’

‘Come on, I forgot my jacket. Pretty please?’ Jaemin begs, all huge eyes and pouty lips. Jeno tries his best to look away and catches Renjun’s eyes instead.

‘Have mercy on him,’ Renjun says from where he’s perched on the table. ‘Or do you want to be responsible if he gets sick?’

Jeno sends him a poisonous look but Jaemin makes a whining sound, so he sighs and puts away his sandwich. ‘Fine. You win.’

Jaemin hums happily and slips his arms around Jeno when he holds the sides of his coat open. ‘This is why you're my favourite.’

Jeno pretends to grumble for a little while longer but this might actually be better than his sandwich. Jaemin’s body adds a little extra warmth and having him pressed against his chest for another ten minutes before the bell rings makes Jeno feel mushy inside. Jaemin hooks his chin over Jeno’s shoulder, sighing contently. It’s weirdly intimate being stuck together like this, feeling every breath the other takes while their friends stand around them.

‘Why don’t they just get married already,’ Jisung says quietly and if Jeno didn’t have to hold his jacket closed around Jaemin, he’d slap him. But he does, so he just gives him a glance which Jisung reacts to with another shit-eating grin and a rude gesture.

Group Chat: The Rainbow Squad

Mochisung (3:44 PM)

oh my fucking god jen

ur basically already dating

when will u finally get it together and relieve us from this stress

Jen (3:44 PM)

oh UR stressed????

Mochisung (3:44 PM)

YEAH I AM

i cant stay a peaceful bystander for much longer

Jen (3:44 PM)

fine

Mochisung (3:44 PM)

fine what

Jen (3:44 PM)

fine im gonna do it

watch me

next week as soon as i have a plan

im tired

Mochisung (3:44 PM)

WHAT

…

that was easy

Jen (3:44 PM)

i cant just be friends with him anyway

ill literally die

especially when he does shit like today i swear he could feel my heart thru my hoodie

Mochisung (3:44 PM)

wow it only took u ten years!!!

Injunie (4:05 PM)

omfg I get out of school just to read this

I didn’t think I’d live to see the day

am I dreaming??

incredible

also you don’t need a plan

just ask him when you’re hanging out or something

Jen (4:06 PM)

perhaps i want it to be cute

Mochisung (4:06 PM)

god ur so fucking whipped

Jen (4:06 PM)

u say that like u didnt give chenle ur last piece of gum

which u have never done for any of us !

Injunie (4:06 PM)

exposed

Mochisung (4:06 PM)

…

lele and i will still never be as disgusting as u and jaemin and ur not even dating yet

u know im right

Jen (4:06 PM)

LELE

THATS ADORABLE

Mochisung (4:06 PM)

LIKE U AND JAEMIN DONT HAVE DISGUSTING CUTE NICKNAMES FOR EACH OTHER

Jen (4:06 PM)

LMAO WE DONT

Injunie (4:06 PM)

OMFG

Mochisung (4:06 PM)

BYE IM OUT

One Wednesday afternoon Jeno learns two things.

First: Na Jaemin looks abnormally good in pastel-pink sweaters. So good, in fact, that Jeno thinks it should be illegal for him to wear one. All it does is distract Jeno from doing what he’s supposed to, which is studying for his English test.

The second thing is that Jaemin is very, very ticklish.

Jeno finds this out by accident. It’s kind of a miracle he’s only discovering it now, given how close they always are.

Jaemin has the TV remote lying on his belly and Jeno blindly reaches for it to turn down the volume but misses and instead pokes Jaemin in the stomach. Jaemin shrieks, immediately curling in on himself before looking up at Jeno with betrayal written across his face.

He’s so fucking cute. This new knowledge is too good to go to waste, though, and Jeno’s only half as sensitive, so this is yet another play fight he’ll always win. It’s good for future reference.

‘Sorry,’ he says. ‘Ticklish, huh? Interesting.’

‘Don’t you dare,’ Jaemin says, sitting up and scooting away from Jeno. ‘Do your homework.’

Jeno gives him an innocent look and pokes at his side again. Jaemin kicks his thigh in retaliation, trying to push him off the bed but Jeno’s stronger. It’s easy to get his hands on Jaemin’s wrists and hold him down, even though he’s twisting and laughing and cursing him out.

They are both out of breath and giggly when Jeno finally has mercy. Jaemin’s hair is dishevelled, his cheeks flushed and all Jeno wants to do is lean down and kiss the laughter off his face.

He does no such thing. Instead he lets go, sits back and says, ‘I win.’

Jaemin rolls his eyes, but he’s hiding a smile. ‘Fuck off.’

They go back to studying for a while, even though Jeno doesn’t get much more done with Jaemin looking the way he does and sitting right there with him on the bed.

So Jeno gives up and lets his mind wander. Asks himself what would be different if Jaemin was his boyfriend, thinks of all the things he would be allowed to do. If it would be so difficult to just ask him out now and thinks that, yes, it would be. It is.

The words get stuck in his throat, so he pushes them back down, thinks of something else. He suddenly remembers the nickname thing again. ‘Jaemin. Why don’t we have nicknames for each other by now?’

Jaemin throws his pen down and narrows his eyes at him. ‘You don’t?’

‘No?’

‘What do you have me saved as?’ Jaemin purses his lips and holds his hand out. ‘Give me your phone.’

Jeno does and promptly starts sweating. He really hopes Jaemin doesn’t scroll around and finds his embarrassing messages to the rainbow squad. He’s suddenly really glad he didn’t set Jaemin’s profile picture as his background.

After a few seconds Jaemin snaps his gaze back up. ‘You honest to god have me saved as Na Jaemin. What the hell. What are we, colleagues?’

Jeno shrugs helplessly. ‘I just never changed it. Wait. What am I saved as?’

‘Jenojaem,’ Jaemin says without missing a beat.

‘So you’re saying I’m no fun?’ Jeno asks.

Jaemin raises a brow. ‘Your jokes are pretty lame in comparison to Hyuck’s.’

‘You’re not that funny, either. You could be Nojaemin.’

‘Only one of us can be no jaem. Also you laugh about everything I say, so that wouldn’t even be true.’

Jeno opens his mouth and closes it again. ‘Then what do I call you?’

Jaemin looks back down at Jeno’s phone and begins typing. After a moment he hands it back to Jeno, who stares at the edited contact name before reading it out loud. ‘Nana?’

‘There was only one other person who called me that,’ Jaemin says. ‘That was my godmother. But she’s not around anymore, so.’

‘Oh. Won’t it make you sad whenever I call you that?’

Jaemin shakes his head. ‘I love that nickname and I miss it.’

‘Nana,’ Jeno repeats, trying out the sound of it, and Jaemin smiles. ‘Why does no one else call you that?’

Jaemin shrugs. ‘It’s… for special people.’

Jeno stares at him for a moment, trying to gauge if that means something, but Jaemin just looks back with a neutral expression. It’s hard to tell whether he’s hiding something.

‘Now we have the nicknames sorted,’ he says. ‘Honestly I’m tired of studying. Wanna go get ice cream?’

Jeno blinks. ‘It’s March.’

‘Exactly. It’s basically spring which means it’s almost summer. Come on.’

And because it’s Jaemin asking, Jeno has no other choice but say yes.

Group Chat: The Rainbow Squad

Jen (9:02 PM)

omg i almost did it today

asked jaemin out i mean

Mochisung (9:03 PM)

as long as theres an almost i dont fucking care

Injunie (9:03 PM)

what happened??

Jen (9:03 PM)

we went to get ice cream and then sat outside

and obv jaemin didnt bring his jacket so he was cuddly and stuff

it was just so nice and perfect??

he held my hand for a bit im literally so !!!!

Injunie (9:03 PM)

WTF

who the fuck holds hands without dating??

why the hell didn’t you ask him out?!?

Jen (9:03 PM)

[gay silence]

Injunie (9:03 PM)

LEE JENOOOO

Mochisung (9:03 PM)

wouldnt it be bi silence tho

Injunie (9:03 PM)

you know there are four days left of the week

you promised

Jen (9:03 PM)

I KNOW

perhaps im panicking!!!

Mochisung (9:03 PM)

theres literally nothing to panic about!!!

he smothers u any fcking chance he gets

he holds ur hand

sleeps in ur bed

goes on stupid cute dates with u and pretends they r “hangouts” and “study sessions”

went to ur game even tho its super boring to watch

hes literally the ONLY person who thinks ur ugly laugh squeak is cute instead of plain embarrassing

HE KISSES U ALL THE TIME ???

do I rlly have to continue

Injunie (9:04 PM)

damn he snapped

Jen (9:04 PM)

I

…

ur not just saying that cuz im ur friend?

Mochisung (9:04 PM)

NO U DUMB BITCH

Injunie (9:04 PM)

WEVE BEEN TELLING YOU THIS FOR  A G E S

Jen (9:04 PM)

omfg

u guys

sorry for being so annoying

Mochisung (9:04 PM)

ugh dont go all soft on us now

just do it

Jen (9:04 PM)

aflkjsfs

It’s another nice day, one of those where you can smell spring in the air even though it’s nowhere near warm. Jeno hums all the way to school, greeting his neighbours as he passes, and holds open the school gate for the group of freshmen behind him.

Maybe it’s today.

Jeno stares out of the window for the majority of his classes, picturing scenarios in which Jaemin is his boyfriend and almost getting in trouble for it but Renjun slaps him out of his daze on time. Jeno isn’t too bothered, though, because this is right. It feels right. It feels necessary, long overdue, and he doesn’t even care how it’s going to end. He feels like he finally understands what Jisung meant.

He’s going to tell Jaemin and that’s all that matters. Even if it might ruin the friendship, Jeno is suddenly okay with that. There is just no way he can be just Jaemin’s friend, not when these feelings get in the way, not when Jaemin always insists on being so close to him. Something has to change, so he’s going to make it happen. He’s going to confess, has been doing it in silent ways all this time. Maybe Jaemin already knows. It wouldn’t be surprising.

Jeno all but runs out of the classroom when the bell for lunch period rings, collecting himself only when he’s at the entrance of the cafeteria. He’s nervous about seeing Jaemin but he doesn’t seem to be here yet, so Jeno goes over to his usual table where Jisung is sitting with Chenle.

‘Hey guys,’ Jeno says, setting down his bag.

‘Where’s your food?’ Chenle asks. ‘Did you forget that it’s Taco day?’

Jeno shakes his head. Jisung gives Chenle a meaningful look. ‘People in love don’t need to eat. Are you going to ask him out today, Jeno?’

‘Maybe,’ Jeno says. ‘I want to ask him if he wants to hang out after school, so maybe then…’

‘Oh.’ Chenle’s grin slips off his face. ‘Jaemin’s not in today, though.’

‘What?’ Jeno freezes. ‘Why not?’

Chenle shrugs. ‘He’s sick, I guess. It’s what he gets for never wearing a jacket.’

‘Oh.’ Jeno deflates in his seat, trying not to let the disappointment get to him. He can always ask him tomorrow.

It’s just that today was perfect. Today Jeno was prepared, ready to rip the plaster off and get his heart broken. Who knows about tomorrow?

‘Don’t be upset,’ Chenle says. ‘I’m sure he’ll be back tomorrow and then you’ll get your boyfriend.’

Jeno (5:21 PM)

hey

how are u?

chenle said ur sick :((

Nana (5:32 PM)

yea sorry I dont feel well ._.

Jeno (5:32 PM)

are u coming back tmr?

Nana (5:34 PM)

idk yet

Jeno (5:34 PM)

ok lmk if theres anything i can do

get well soon!!

He doesn’t get another answer, and the next day Jaemin’s still not there.

‘Jaemin’s being weird,’ Jeno says, stirring his coffee. There’s a numb ache in his chest that gets worse with every exhale. ‘He literally ran away from me today.’

Renjun looks up from his own drink just long enough to frown. ‘Maybe he needed to be somewhere?’

‘Maybe, but he didn’t text back, either.’

‘Maybe he’s busy.’

‘Maybe.’

‘It’s probably nothing.’

‘Renjun,’ Jeno says, feeling terribly small. ‘What if he figured it out? What if he knows I like him and hates me now?’

Renjun sighs. ‘Jaemin’s too forward to let that go just like that. Also I don’t think he’s capable of hating you.’

‘You think so?’

‘You’re his best friend. You really think he’d ditch you without giving you a chance to explain?’

‘I don’t know. Maybe he thinks it’s weird.’

‘Hey, don’t overthink, okay? I’m sure it’s fine. He probably just as a lot on his plate right now or something.’

Jeno really hopes that’s all. He’s given up his plan to confess to Jaemin for now, mostly because Jaemin’s been distant the past few days and looks strangely detached from the world whenever Jeno sees him. There’s something wrong but Jeno can’t get his hands on him to ask him about it and the longer he thinks about it, the less courage he has.

‘I thought I told you not to overthink just now,’ Renjun says without looking up.

Jaemin is definitely avoiding him.

At first Jeno isn’t sure; he's been trying to catch Jaemin for lunch all week but Jaemin is either always busy with other people or nowhere to be found. Jeno texts him instead but if he even gets an answer it’s monosyllabic and uncharacteristically cold.

It’s kind of funny, to have this mirrored back when it was Jeno who avoided Jaemin not that long ago.

Except it’s not funny at all.

Maybe Jeno screwed up. He doesn’t really know how, but what if Jaemin really did notice that Jeno likes him more than he should? Maybe Jaemin read it off his face, got weirded out and now it's over.

'Maybe he's freaked himself out by liking you,' Renjun says for possibly the hundredth time. 'You should just talk to him.'

'Well, in case you haven't noticed, I'm trying to,' Jeno says miserably.

'Just go over to his house or something. Catch him after dance practice. I know you know his schedule, you creep.'

Perhaps Renjun has a point.

'I just don't get it,' Jeno says. 'Jaemin's not really the avoidant personality type.'

'Maybe something happened?'

'Like what?'

'What do I know? If he's so important to you, you gotta find out.'

It’s been almost two weeks and people are starting to say things about Jaemin. Of course they do. They are saying Jaemin has problems (which might be true for all Jeno knows), that he’s getting into the wrong kinds of people, that he’s skipping school and failing classes. The last bit is wrong. Jeno knows because he’s asked some teachers.

But people are also talking about Jeno. They say Jaemin got jealous and cancelled the friendship, say Jeno has been using Jaemin to become popular and then dropped him, like Jeno actually gives a damn about that kind of thing. There are snide comments in the hallways and after practice and with everything else, it brings Jeno down so low that he usually goes to sleep straight after dinner, too exhausted to even meet up with Renjun and Jisung anymore outside of school.

He misses Jaemin so much. He feels it physically, a gaping cavity in his chest that seems impossible to fill. He doesn’t know what he’s done wrong but he’d apologise in a heartbeat if Jaemin just let him talk to him. But whenever Jaemin even sees Jeno somewhere he ducks and vanishes, has Yukhei shield him from view and escapes right after their shared classes before Jeno can even get up.

It’s not like Jeno doesn’t get the message. He wants the explanation but maybe this is over, maybe he’s never going to get one. He should just move on and try to forget that he was ever friends with Na Jaemin because perhaps Renjun was right all along and popular people are no good.

For a while Jeno really thought Jaemin was the best thing that ever happened to him – he still kind of does – but when he tries really hard not to cry himself to sleep again he thinks, maybe not. Maybe all these good memories hurt now because of how Jaemin just left him like this, like he never cared at all.

‘What happened to you and Jaemin?’ his mum asks at dinner.

‘Nothing,’ he says again. She’s been asking a lot but Jeno doesn’t know what to tell her.

‘I want the truth this time,’ she says. ‘Maybe I can help.’

Jeno pushes his plate away. ‘Unless you can tell me why he avoids me like the plague and won’t let me talk to him, probably not.’

‘Oh no. Do you want me to talk to his mum?’

‘No. If he doesn’t want to be friends anymore then I guess that’s his decision.’ Jeno takes his plate, puts it in the sink and goes upstairs. The notification light on his phone blinks but he can’t be bothered, just turns it off and lies down on his bed.

Jeno wants to hate Jaemin. He wants to resent him for making him feel like this, like he’s the one who’s guilty when no one knows what happened.

But Jeno can’t. Sometimes when he looks over at Jaemin’s lunch table and sees him sitting there his belly fills with butterflies, no matter how much his heart bleeds. His only comfort is that Jaemin doesn’t seem to be happy, either. He looks as cheerful as ever, sure, but Jeno knows him too well now, can see past his fake smile.

But that doesn’t change how much it hurts.

Sometimes he hears Jaemin’s laughter float down the hallways and it knocks the breath right out of his chest because, damn. Jeno really does like him. So much. And he doesn’t know how to stop, not even when things are like this.

It’s six am and Jeno’s blinking at the screen of his phone, trying not to throw it against the wall, trying to understand, pretending this is all just a dream.

Nana (8:13 PM)

pls delete my number

It takes him a while to type the answer, fingers too shaky from anger, sadness and sleep.

Jeno (6:03 AM)

fuck u jaemin

whats wrong with u

u could at least tell me why u hate me so i get a chance to explain

u kinda owe me

but no

u dont need to do that huh

popular people never explain shit to anyone

what they do is always right

ppl talk shit about me u know

me nd u

and i still miss u cuz ur my best friend and i dont wanna believe that ud do this to me

whatever i guess

pls just tell me why ur doing this

thats all I ask

after that u can avoid me all u want and ill leave u alone or whatever

but tell me

please

Jeno locks his phone and throws it in his bag. Jaemin’s probably not going to read those messages anyway.

But he’s wrong. On the way to school, when he’s already running late, his phone hums and it’s Jaemin and for a brief moment it all feels so normal, like they never fought, never avoided each other, never almost kissed.

But it’s not an answer.

Nana (7:21 AM)

im sorry

Jeno doesn’t bother replying.

Get it together, Jeno tells himself, approaching Jaemin’s lunch table, sans Jaemin. You’re not a coward anymore.

‘Hey,’ Jeno says. His voice shakes.

Four pairs of eyes look up at him, the conversation fading out as they realise Jeno’s talking to them.

‘Hi,’ Jungwoo returns and smiles, bless him. ‘What’s up?’

Jeno steels himself. ‘This is probably going to sound weird but, uh… do you know why Jaemin won’t talk to me anymore? I seriously don’t know what I did but I’d like to know, so I can, like, fix it.’

They – Jungwoo, Yukhei, Taeyong, Kun – all stare at him for a moment longer before Yukhei laughs. ‘You don’t know what you did?’

Jeno shakes his head, cheeks burning with shame. It takes a lot of willpower to stay here.

Kun knocks his elbow into Yukhei’s side to shut him up, then looks at Jeno with sympathy. ‘He just said you guys can’t be friends anymore.’

It hurts more hearing it said out loud by someone else. Jeno swallows around the lump in his throat and nods. ‘That’s all?’

‘He’s been strange lately,’ Taeyong says pensively. ‘He skips dance practice sometimes and generally he’s… quieter, I guess. I think he has some issues but we don’t usually talk about that kinda stuff, so I don’t know. Sorry.’

‘Right. Um, thanks anyway.’ Jeno waves and turns away, back to where his friends are waiting. He passes their table, though, blinking tears out of his eyes. Renjun is probably going to follow him anyway.

Jeno’s no closer to finding out what happened and he’s running out of ideas. He’s not a confrontational person and Jaemin doesn’t seem to want a confrontation.

But it’s Jaemin. One of his best friends. Jaemin trusted Jeno at least to some extent, always bothered him even when Jeno was still trying to push him away. It can’t have been for nothing.

Jeno can’t let him go without trying. Just once, if only to say that at he didn’t give up. He deserves an explanation and if Jaemin is just going to hurt him more, then maybe he deserves that, too. He’s been stupid enough to fall for him, after all.

Jeno's standing in front of Jaemin's house, like all those months ago when he first came to his party. So much is different now, the biggest change being the way Jeno feels, so violently, so unchangeably. So much that he walked all the way over to Jaemin's just to ask him what's wrong, prepared to get his heart ripped out despite the fear because anything’s better than this silence.

It's Jaemin's mum who opens the door. She smiles at Jeno when she spots him. 'Oh, hey, Jeno! Come in. Jaemin is studying upstairs.'

Jeno thanks her, toeing his shoes off, and climbs the stairs. It’s weird to be here even though it hasn’t been that long. He feels like a stranger.

He hesitates in front of Jaemin’s door, trying to quill the rising anger and desperation, before he knocks. Jaemin calls, 'Come in.'

Jaemin is lying on his stomach on the carpet in the middle of the room when Jeno comes in, text books and papers in front of him. He's spinning a pen between his fingers until he looks up.

He doesn't smile.

'Hey,' Jeno says uncertainly. 'Sorry for intruding.'

He hates how the rage bleeds out of him, just like that, just by looking at Jaemin, seeing how miserable he is. He hates that Jaemin has that power over him but then again, he’s known this for a while. He should have predicted that it’s impossible to stay mad at him.

'Don't worry.' Jaemin doesn’t say anything else or invites Jeno to sit down, so Jeno stays where he is.

He swallows. ‘You read my texts.’

‘Yeah. And I’m sorry.’

Jeno breathes out through his nose. ‘I didn’t mean half of that but – it would be really great if you could explain yourself.’

‘I can’t.’

‘What?’ Jeno stares him down but Jaemin is considering his floor like the answer is written on it. ‘I'm sorry if I did anything but – why are you avoiding me?' He can't help but let a small edge of anger slip into voice. He's been waiting weeks for something, and all Jaemin's done is run away without any explanation, not even giving him a chance. Now he’s right here, willing to mend whatever’s bothering Jaemin and Jaemin is still trying to hide. 'Just tell me what I did wrong and I'll... fix it and apologise. But I think it's really unfair to leave me in the dark like that.'

'You didn't do anything wrong,' Jaemin mutters softly. He won't look at Jeno, just keeps staring at his papers.

'Then what is it?'

'I just – can't talk to you right now.'

'Why not?'

'I can't tell you.'

'Well, I’m not leaving until you do. We’re not in third grade anymore, you can’t just say ‘we’re not friends’ and be done with it. Tell me something. I thought you were my best friend but – it's kinda hard to believe you care when it's so easy for you to cut me off. It's not really easy for me, you know? Because I have no clue what’s wrong and it still feels like it’s my fault and I hate that, I hate having to miss you, I hate not being friends with you, and I hate being pissed at you when I have no idea what’s happening. Do you know how much that sucks?'

Jeno takes a breath. He didn't mean to say all of that but it needed to get out.

'I'm doing this because I care,' Jaemin snaps, sitting up. ‘And it wasn’t easy, either.’

'Do you really, though?'

Jaemin looks up and Jeno almost wishes he hadn't. Jaemin looks so hurt. Jeno just wants to hug him, take all his worries away, forget that they’re fighting because it just doesn’t make sense.

'Fine,' Jaemin says. 'Fine, I'll tell you. Someone figured things out and he said if I keep hanging out with you he’ll out me.'

Jeno stares at him, tries to spot the lie. But there's only honesty on Jaemin's features, honesty and pain and fear. A lot of fear.

'I don’t know what’s happening either, Jeno,' Jaemin whispers and his voice wavers a little. 'I swear I would never do anything to hurt you, but I can’t – can’t let that happen. People can be so mean, even when you think they're your friends.'

'What? Who was it?' Jeno asks. He sounds weird to himself. 'And what – why would anyone care that we hang out?'

Jaemin swallows. ‘I can’t tell you. I don’t really know myself.'

'That – how fucked up is that?' Jeno asks. The whole world is spinning. He was prepared for a lot of things but not this. 'Jaemin, why didn’t you tell me? You’re so stupid. I would’ve – I could have helped somehow.'

'He would have outed me,' Jaemin says miserably.

‘You do know people can get expelled for that, right?’

‘Yeah, but that wouldn’t change the fact that people would know.’

'So what? It's 2018, high school's almost over anyway. You keep telling me nobody cares, so what’s the big deal?'

Jaemin shakes his head. 'I can't. What if my parents find out?'

'Why would they?'

'I don't know. They might.'

'Are you really going to keep doing what this person wants you to?'

Jaemin shrugs.

‘I actually thought you hated me, you know?’ Jeno continues. ‘And that sucked. I was really – you can’t just do that to someone.’

‘I know, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. It was just, it really threw me off – everything – and I couldn’t – but I would never hate you, Jeno. I’m sorry.’

Jeno sits down on Jaemin's bed, patting the spot next to him. 'Get up here.'

Jaemin only hesitates a little before he does. Jeno lets him wrap himself around him, lying back on the mattress, and they are both quiet for a moment. Jeno tries to breathe around the lump in his throat, tight from so much pent-up anger and hurt, tries to enjoy having Jaemin back even if nothing about it makes sense.

'I missed you, idiot,' Jeno says quietly, running his fingers through the soft hair at Jaemin’s nape just because he can now.

'I missed you, too.'

'This whole thing is stupid. It just – what does he gain from it? If you tell me who it is maybe I can talk to him.'

There's something wet on Jeno's throat and with a spike of terror he realises that Jaemin is crying. Somehow Jeno didn’t think that this is something he’d ever have to see. Jaemin's always bright, always happy, always radiating positivity. It feels wrong to see him like this, blinking tears out of his eyes, bottom lip quivering. It breaks Jeno's heart more than anything else.

'It's okay,' Jeno murmurs. 'It’s okay. If you don't want to we can leave it. But text me and stuff, yeah? No one would know.'

'I don't deserve you,' Jaemin sniffles.

'The world doesn't deserve you,' Jeno gives back because it's true. ‘Even though you’re dumb.’

'Shut up.' Jaemin hugs him tighter. 'I'm really fucking scared, Jeno.'

'I know. But I'm here now, okay? Don't push me away just because you're scared.'

Jeno almost kisses him right then, with his nose red and snotty, eyes swollen. He's still beautiful, still Na Jaemin, and Jeno wants to protect him from every evil thing in this world. Now he has him back, knows that Jaemin never actually hated him, was just afraid. Jaemin’s priorities are a little regretful but Jeno refuses to think about it now, refuses to acknowledge that Jaemin would have cut him out of his life if Jeno hadn’t come over.

So he doesn’t kiss him. He just keeps Jaemin close and tries not to cry, too, because everything’s so fucked up.

Somehow they fall asleep, even though it’s the middle of the afternoon. When Jeno wakes up again it’s already getting dark, so he gently shakes Jaemin by the shoulder, sitting up.

Jaemin’s face is still a mess but he looks a little better now anyway. ‘Huh?’

‘I have to go home soon,’ Jeno tells him. ‘Do you want to talk more?’

‘Don’t leave.’ Jaemin presses his face into Jeno’s stomach and it tickles a little. It seems too intimate, too, so Jeno squirms away.

‘Come with me then. My mum misses you.’

‘I miss her, too. I can’t, though.’

‘Let’s meet up tomorrow?’

‘Okay.’

Jaemin follows Jeno downstairs and watches as Jeno slips into his sneakers.

Jeno looks up at him. He’s so glad he did this, came over here and forced the truth out somehow. He’s glad he got Jaemin back, so glad he could cry, even if they are just friends. It’s fine if that’s all they’ll ever be. It’s still better than ruining it by confessing and Jeno can’t lose Jaemin, regardless of how. He learnt his lesson. ‘I’m going to tell Renjun, okay? You can trust him and also he’s smarter than me, so maybe he knows what to do.’

Jaemin nods hesitantly. ‘Okay.’

Jeno hugs him and Jaemin buries his face in Jeno’s neck and all Jeno can think about is what kind of person you would have to be to have the heart to hurt him.

Jeno calls Renjun on the way back and tells him what happened. Perhaps he even panics a little because now that he’s thinking about it, the prospect of being outed must actually be terrifying when you know your own mother would hate you for it. Jeno had the same fear after all, even though it was less serious.

‘Holy shit,’ Renjun exclaims. ‘Holy fucking shit. Jaemin better give us a name soon, so I can get Jisung to kick some ass. Who even does things like this? Any idea of who it could be?’

‘He didn’t tell me anything,’ Jeno says. ‘There’s no one who sticks out to me.’

‘Shame. I think he should go to the principal.’

‘He’s scared for his reputation,’ Jeno tells him. ‘And he’s worried his parents will find out, which they probably would if he went to someone official.’

‘This is so messed up.’

‘I know, right? And he was so sad. I hate seeing him like this.’

‘Did you tell him?’

‘Did I tell him what?’

‘That you like him. Duh.’

‘No. I was kinda preoccupied with other things, you see? And I don’t think I will, either.’

There’s a short silence. ‘What? Why not?’

‘Injun. I just got him back.’

‘I swear you wouldn’t lose him if you told him.’

‘You can’t know that. Whatever. Let’s focus on the important things first. I’m meeting up with him tomorrow and hopefully he’ll tell me who it was so I can go talk to them.’

‘You’d do anything for Jaemin, huh?’

‘I’d do this for anyone.’

‘You wouldn’t.’ Renjun says it like a fact, not like an accusation. ‘You just like him more than anyone else.’

‘You’re still my best friend.’

‘I know.’

‘Thank you, really.’

‘Oh my god, when did this turn greasy? Let’s stop.’ Renjun laughs and then gets serious again. ‘Are you okay, though?’

‘Yeah. A little scared and a lot mad, but I’m fine.’

‘Okay. Keep me in the loop, yeah?’

There should be more people like Renjun in the world, Jeno thinks. ‘Okay.’

Jeno is nervous. It’s already ten past four, which means Jaemin is about to show up, and he’s not prepared for whatever conversation is ahead. Last night he dreamt that everyone at school hated them and Jaemin blamed him for everything and then he got expelled. He knows it was just a dream but the fear was so real that he can still feel the imprint of it.

The doorbell rings and Jeno throws the door open.

Jaemin’s wearing a bright orange hoodie that Jeno recognises as one of his favourites and an insecure smile. That’s the first strange thing because usually Jaemin isn’t insecure at all when he’s around Jeno.

The second strange thing is that he’s holding a bunch of flowers and Jeno’s heart nearly falls out of his ribcage.

‘Hi,’ Jaemin says. ‘Is your mum home?’

Ah. The flowers. Jeno tries not to be disappointed and almost succeeds because it’s still such a sweet gesture. ‘Not yet. We can put these in a vase, though.’

Jaemin follows Jeno into the kitchen where Jeno puts the flowers into a tall glass along with some water and sets them down on the coffee table in the living room.

‘Snacks?’ Jeno asks. ‘Something to drink?’

Jaemin shakes his head. ‘Do you want to go outside? The weather’s nice.’

It is nice outside, so they do. Jeno leads Jaemin to the end of the street, past the last house and up a path into a small forest. The trees here are already full of buds, just about to bloom with the next burst of warmth and the sun easily filters through their branches, dappling the ground with light and shadow. Jeno used to spend all his summer evenings here when he was a kid, climbing trees with Renjun and Jisung, building tents out of branches and pretending they were bandits.

They just walk for a while, mostly silent save for Jaemin pointing out some details he finds fascinating. Jeno is in no rush, happy to bask in Jaemin’s presence a little longer before things get serious, even though it feels kind of awkward, too. Something is different between them again – because of the fight, because Jaemin’s being too careful, because Jeno doesn’t know what to say to him.

‘I’m sorry for not talking to you,’ Jaemin starts. ‘It was so stupid. I should’ve – just texted you or something.’

‘You were scared. It’s fine.’

‘It isn’t.’

‘Nana. Please tell me who it was. If you don’t want me to talk to him I won’t but I just, like, want to try convincing them to let it go?’ Jeno pleads.

‘Don’t freak out,’ Jaemin says and hesitates briefly. ‘It’s Jaehyun.’

Jeno stops and stares at Jaemin, who looks back with an empty expression.

‘Jung Jaehyun?’ Vice-captain of the soccer team, model student, party thrower Jaehyun? Jaehyun, who’s always the right mix of attractive and friendly, who was Jeno’s role model for the past year?

‘His sister likes you. Yoona,’ Jaemin says. ‘Sophomore. She’s sweet, I guess. She goes to all of your games, you know? I wouldn’t even blame you if you wanted to date her.’

‘Jaemin, what – I don’t understand.’

‘It’s not what he said but I think that might be why. I – I don’t know why else he would want me to get out of the way because you know, we spend a lot of time with each other, and also it’s common knowledge that she likes you –‘

‘What?! I didn’t know.’

Jaemin returns Jeno’s incredulous look with a tired one. ‘Because you’re the most oblivious person I know. No offence.’

‘Jaehyun can’t just – do that. That’s so wrong, what the fuck. Does she even know about this? What did he tell you?’

Jaemin pulls his shoulders up. ‘A lot of mean things that I don’t wanna repeat. Or remember. You know, just slurs, and then ‘stop being friends or else’, that stuff.’

Jeno feels like the world is spinning faster, tipping him off balance. It’s true that he spends all his time with Jaemin or his other friends but it’s not like he’s really ever shown much interest in girls even before he knew Jaemin. The fact that it’s Jaehyun out of everyone – Jaehyun, who’s been in a team with Jeno for ages, who’s Jaemin’s friend – makes everything even more surreal. Why didn’t he just ask Jeno if he would go on a date with his sister if that’s what he wanted? Why go through all this trouble just to screw with Jaemin? That makes even less sense than anything Jeno could have imagined. He would never have expected Jaehyun to be an asshole.

‘Please let me talk to him,’ Jeno begs. ‘I won’t fight him, I just want to talk.’

Jaemin regards Jeno with an unsure expression. ‘Do you really think people wouldn’t care? About me? And what if – what about you? I don’t want you to get any shit.’

‘It will be fine,’ Jeno says. ‘I’m not scared of Jaehyun. I just don’t want you to be blackmailed like this. It’s stupid and people love you no matter what just because you’re you and I don’t think that will change.’

Jaemin takes a deep breath. ‘Well, if you want to... But don’t fight him.’

‘I won’t. I can’t fight people.’

Jaemin’s eyebrows skyrocket. ‘You’re pretty fit if you haven’t noticed. It intimidates people sometimes.’

Jeno is a little proud that Jaemin just called him fit but tries to concentrate on the more pressing matters. ‘Jaehyun is both taller and fitter than me, though.’

‘Fair enough.’

‘Did you ever think I was intimidating?’

‘Nah. Always knew you’re inherently soft.’

Jeno laughs and Jaemin joins in, linking his index finger with Jeno’s. Despite all their random touches this feels new. Not like something between friends, but Jeno doesn’t dare to finish that thought.

‘We’ll be okay, right?’ Jaemin asks.

‘Yeah,’ Jeno says, squeezing his hand. They are quiet for a bit but Jeno can tell that Jaemin’s still brooding over something.

‘Wouldn’t it be better to come out instead of be outed?’ Jaemin asks.

Jeno’s eyes almost fall out of their sockets. ‘Are you saying…?’

Jaemin shrugs. ‘You’re right, it’s probably time and no one will care. I know some of my friends aren’t straight, so I’m not worried about them and I shouldn’t care about all the others, should I? And then Jaehyun couldn’t do anything.’

‘Are you sure?’ Jeno asks. ‘I mean, you shouldn’t be pressured into it. Maybe Jaehyun just drops it once someone talks to him.’

‘The only thing I’m really, really terrified of is my mum finding out,’ Jaemin says. ‘But I don’t know – I don’t know for how much longer my parents are going to stay together, anyway, so, yeah. I think maybe I should just do it.’

‘You’re really brave.’

Jaemin snorts. ‘I’m really not.’

‘To me you are,’ Jeno says. ‘I know you’ve been scared of this but now you want to do it anyway.’

‘Yeah, well.’ Jaemin glances at him sheepishly, the beginning of a smile on his face as he holds Jeno’s hand tighter. ‘There are certain people who make it easier.’

They walk around the little forest until it gets dark, watching the sky drown in orange and purple behind the trees. It’s incredibly beautiful and Jeno daydreams about confessing right then and there but Jaemin is already stressed out enough, so he doesn’t. He won’t. They eventually head back, finding the car in front of the house, which means Jeno’s parents are back.

‘I’m home,’ Jeno calls after letting them in. ‘Jaemin’s here.’

Jeno’s mum shows up immediately as if summoned, a wide smile on her face. ‘Hi, boys! Jaemin, are you staying for dinner? I haven’t seen you in a while.’

‘If that’s alright?’ Jaemin asks.

‘We’re always happy to have you. Jeno’s dad will join us, too, but it takes another ten minutes,’ she says.

‘Did you find the flowers?’ Jeno asks her and Jaemin straightens next to him.

She blinks. ‘What flowers?’

Jeno looks at Jaemin who releases a breath and then leads them to the living room, pointing at the vase. ‘I brought these for you. As a thank you. For – everything, really.’

‘Oh Jaemin,’ she sighs, practically melting. ‘I didn’t do anything.’ Then she pulls Jaemin into a short, tight hug and for the first time since their weird fight, Jaemin looks genuinely happy. It makes Jeno wonder if Jaemin’s own mum ever hugs him like this.

‘Right,’ Jeno’s mum says, ruffling Jaemin’s hair and then stepping back. ‘Would you guys set the table?’

Jaemin has only met Jeno’s dad once before since he’s away a lot but Jeno’s worry that dinner might be awkward is for nothing. His dad is immediately captivated which, Jeno thinks, he could have predicted. This is Jaemin after all. His whole family seems to have a soft spot for him by now and Jaemin seems comfortable enough, so dinner passes quickly and Jeno’s glad he’s here.

Jaemin goes home afterwards, thanking Jeno with another tight hug and the promise to hang out with him this weekend. Jeno hates seeing him leave, his heart beating come back against his chest with every step Jaemin takes away from him, but this is still better than not having him at all.

‘I’m glad you two got it together,’ his mum says, finding Jeno standing in the door as he watches Jaemin walk down the street. It’s probably embarrassing but he can’t bring himself to be ashamed. ‘You’re so much happier with him.’

‘I’m glad, too,’ Jeno admits. He is, even though not everything is resolved. Jaemin is still afraid and Jeno is still worried and confused, but they are okay. That’s the most important thing.

‘Can I tell your dad?’ she asks and Jeno looks at her.

‘Tell him what?’

‘That you have a crush on Jaemin.’

Jeno gapes at her for a moment and she laughs.

‘I feel like he might already know anyway,’ she continues. ‘You’re not subtle, you know.’

Jeno flushes. ‘Oh my god. I’m going to sleep.’

‘Alright, sweetie. Sleep well.’ She pulls him down so she can kiss the top of his head and lets him leave.

Sometimes Jeno forgets that Jaemin is, aside from everything else, still Na Jaemin, life of the party, everyone’s friend, and possibly the most extra student at this school.

When Jaemin said he wants to come out Jeno thought he’d just tell someone and a rumour would start spreading until everyone’s informed. It’s how things usually work around here.

That’s not quite what Jeno finds when he walks down the hallway to the cafeteria to get lunch with Renjun and Jisung on Monday. Jeno hears people screaming and laughing at a volume that’s abnormal even for high school students and promptly starts speed-walking to see what all the fuss is about. When he reaches the entrance, however, he stops so abruptly that both Renjun and Jisung crash into him, pushing him inside.

All three of them freeze and then Renjun says, ‘Holy fucking shit.’

Jaemin is standing on a table, wrapped in a pride flag, grinning.

Any minute now a supervising teacher will come and drag him down but almost every student in the room is cheering, forming a crowd around said table. Jeno spots Yukhei who’s jumping up and down while holding Jungwoo by the shoulders, apparently yelling. Donghyuck and Mark are pretty close, too, also screaming. There are so many people Jeno doesn’t know but all of them look downright elated, like Jaemin just told them afternoon classes are cancelled for the rest of the year, and it’s kind of incredible.

Someone’s playing music and Jaemin spins, the flag fanning out behind him and turning him into a blur of rainbow colours and everyone gets louder. Some people are holding up their phones now and Jeno knows Jaemin will be the only thing on everyone’s social media for a few days.

Jeno’s smiling like an idiot as he pushes through the student body, Renjun on his heels, who’s laughing like a maniac. Jeno probably hits some people with his elbows and steps on others’ feet but he doesn’t care, just needs to get to Jaemin and tell him how insanely proud he is. Renjun pushes him from behind, shouting, ‘Jeno, please just marry him.’

Then he’s there, at the table, looking up at Jaemin who’s stretching out his arms now. Jeno notices that there’s glitter on his face again.

Jeno is about to shout at Jaemin to get his attention but then a bunch of teachers show up. The music stops and the cheers turn into loud complaints as everyone’s told to break it off. Eventually the crowd disperses, even though it takes a while, and Mrs. Kim convinces Jaemin to get back down on the ground. She scolds him for disrupting lunch but doesn’t look angry, and if Jeno isn’t hallucinating he sees her congratulate Jaemin.

People are still swarming around but Jeno manages to get to Jaemin at last.

‘Hey,’ he calls, raising his voice to be heard over Yukhei, who’s still screeching, and Jaemin whips around.

Damn. Jaemin looks ethereal when he’s happy, like he’s physically radiating light. He’s smiling so widely Jeno absently wonders if his cheeks hurt but then Jaemin’s hands are on his wrists.

‘Lee Jeno,’ Jaemin says, half laughing. ‘Thank you for making me brave.’

Jeno doesn’t know what to say first: you’re the one who’s brave, I’m so proud I could burst, I think I love you. He’s wanted to kiss Jaemin plenty of times but it’s never felt like this, so urgent, like he’s going to die if he doesn’t do it.

But he still doesn’t. He just opens his mouth and says, ‘You’re so fucking extra, I can’t believe you did that.’

Jaemin laughs harder.

‘Honestly,’ Jeno insists, grinning. ‘I’m so proud and so, so happy for you.’

‘You should’ve seen Jaehyun’s face,’ Jaemin tells him. ‘He was standing at the back and just stared at me like I just robbed him of everything he loves. Oh my god, I’ve never felt so free. I really –‘

‘Na Jaemin!’ someone screams. Jeno turns and sees Chenle hurtling towards them, quickly followed by Donghyuck, Jisung and Renjun, who all tackle Jaemin and Jeno into one giant messy group hug.

‘You’re such a fucking legend!’ Chenle shouts. ‘Iconic! We can cancel prom because nothing will ever top this.’

Renjun slaps Jaemin’s chest. ‘I thought you were a panicked gay! Where the hell did you get the courage from?’

Jaemin just shrugs, glancing at Jeno, and grins. The chaos continues for a while; people come to talk to Jaemin even after the bell rings and they are all on their way to class. Most just stare curiously, like they are not sure what to make of it, and there’s the occasional asshole who makes a comment, but for now even that is okay. It’s probably going to be like this for the rest of the week but looking at Jaemin’s smile, Jeno thinks it’s the best thing that could have happened.

It’s Tuesday afternoon and practice has ended a while ago. The locker room is almost empty save for Yuta, Jaehyun and Jeno, and Jeno is impatiently waiting for Yuta to leave.

It might not be a good idea to talk to Jaehyun alone in case he decides it’s easier to beat Jeno up, but Jeno has never been less afraid. All through practice his blood had boiled, his heartbeat spiking whenever Jaehyun said anything. He looks so innocent with his dimples and Jeno actually believed all that until a few days ago. Now he sees everything in a different light, even though it doesn’t matter as much anymore because now Jaemin’s free.  

Yuta finally waves goodbye, leaving just the two of them. Jaehyun is folding his jersey.

Jeno has never felt braver, has never felt taller; the rage and unfairness stretch him thin and make him feel invincible at once. It's not even him who got screwed but the fact that it's Jaemin, Na ‘I love everyone no matter what' Jaemin, makes the anger sharper somehow.

Jeno forces himself to relax. He’s not here to fight.

‘I know what you said to Jaemin,’ Jeno says, trying to sound as confident as possible, and Jaehyun freezes. ‘Is your sister really the only reason why?’

Jaehyun straightens up and Jeno’s glad he didn’t come closer. He knows what kind of weights Jaehyun lifts at the gym.

‘I just don’t get why you’d do something like that,’ Jeno continues. ‘That’s a terrible thing and could have got you expelled.’

‘Jaemin told you, huh? What a coward. Ran straight to you and doesn’t even stand up for himself,’ Jaehyun taunts. There’s not a single charming thing about him now.

‘How can you watch what he did yesterday and still call him a coward?’

Jaehyun doesn’t reply and Jeno feels heat run up his veins. ‘I was just trying to understand this but whatever, I guess. This whole thing is so idiotic I don’t even know where to start. I just – you should be really grateful that Jaemin didn’t tell a teacher because then you wouldn’t even be on the team anymore. What did you even get out of this? You and Jaemin were friends, why would you hurt him like this?’

‘I’m not friends with faggots. And you shouldn’t be, either,’ Jaehyun snaps.

Jeno’s jaw drops. ‘You – how dare you. Jaemin is the nicest person on this planet and you know that, you know him, and you still – how do you even – you never even deserved to be his friend. You’ll never find someone like him again and you should be fucking sorry for yourself. And you don’t get to tell me who to be friends with, either, and if you make me choose between soccer and him, it would be him. It would always be him –‘

Jaehyun’s eyes widen, like he’s just realised something important, and suddenly there’s a whole new weight pulling on Jeno’s body. The courage dissolves into fear instead and he knows his hands are shaking, so he hides them behind his back.

‘Holy shit,’ Jaehyun splutters. ‘You like him, don’t you? You – you’re not straight, either. I can’t believe Yoona – what the fuck.’

‘Shut up. It’s none of your business, just leave Jaemin alone.’

‘Oh my god, everything makes sense now.’ Jaehyun makes a weird, choked off noise. ‘To think I shared a changing room with you for years – I showered here, what the –‘

Jeno was about to say, please don’t tell anyone, but this is too much. He stares at Jaehyun instead, the anger catching up again. ‘Fuck you. I’m not scared of you. Give me a reason and I’ll rat you out to the principal. Find someone else to blackmail, you absolute shitbag of a homophobe, and try finding a better striker than me, too.’

Then Jeno grabs his bag, kicks the door open and leaves, nearly running across the empty parking lot. He’s trembling everywhere, everything inside him sore, so he practically bolts home, but a part of it feels good, too, having stood up for something.

They are all waiting for him at home: Renjun, Jisung, Jaemin. Jeno is too upset to be ashamed of his tears and now that the tension falls off of him it’s impossible to hold them back. Jaemin buries his face in Jeno’s hair and thanks him over and over.

Renjun eventually pulls the story out of him thread by thread, sitting close to him on the bed. Jisung and Jaemin are on his other side now, listening intently.

‘So I quit soccer,’ Jeno finishes eventually. It doesn’t feel real yet; he’s played since he could walk, has been on the school team as soon as he was allowed. It’s going to hurt watching the others go off to practice but it would hurt more to pretend not to hate Jaehyun.

‘What the hell, Jeno,’ Jisung says, squeezing his knee.

Jeno shrugs. ‘You think I’d want to hang out with someone who says that kind of shit? He’d probably get me kicked out anyway.’

‘I’m sorry,’ Jaemin mutters. ‘This is my fault. If I hadn’t –‘

‘Shut up, Jaemin,’ Jeno snaps. ‘I’d rather quit soccer than not be friends with you. At least now we know he’s an ass.’

It’s quiet for a moment.

‘Damn. How do you guys feel about watching some Disney movie?’ Renjun asks. ‘That was enough drama for now.’

Everyone agrees and they end up watching Moana. Both Renjun and Jaemin know the words to all the songs and listening to them belt out ‘How Far I’ll Go’ while Jisung desperately tries to muffle them with pillows makes Jeno laugh.

Maybe not being on the soccer team is not the end of the world, not when he has these people around him. They will always be worth it. He can always join track and field, he thinks.

A week later, it’s Jeno’s birthday. When Jaemin finds out he promptly takes it upon himself to organise some sort of party and pays for everything, which Jeno thinks is insane. Jaemin just waves him off, saying it’s his present.

It’s super fun, though. Not that Jeno expected anything else when all his closest friends are present and his mum makes his favourite cake with extra sprinkles on top. His friends give him a new sweater, an iTunes coupon, and a bunch of new video games which they try out right away.

It’s the lazy kind of birthday. There’s no alcohol, no drinking games and no loud music, just a ton of snacks and about fifty rounds of UNO. Donghyuck and Mark put in an effort and aren’t as obnoxious as usual. Donghyuck, forever life of the party together with Jaemin, brings confetti cannons which they have to set off outside after Jeno’s mum threatens them with food withdrawal. Not that it really matters. Jeno is sure he’s going to find glitter in his hair for the rest of the week.

Most of Jeno’s friends go home in the evening (Jeno is pleased to see that Jaemin goes only very reluctantly), leaving only Jisung and Renjun, and Jeno feels like he’s ten again. Jeno’s dad drives them to Jeno’s favourite pizza place where the lady puts candles on his order and they all hold each other by the hands when Jeno blows them out to make the wish all of them agreed on back when they were six.

(‘Let’s stay friends forever.’)

‘We haven’t done this in ages,’ Jisung says later from where he’s lying on a camping mat on Jeno’s floor. This, too, is something they’ve done a million times but they’ve all changed so much. Jisung doesn’t even fit on the mat anymore, his feet poking over the edge. The dark and the memories of the day make Jeno weirdly emotional.

‘Perhaps because you’re always busy with your boyfriends,’ Renjun says next to Jisung, but there’s no bite behind his words. He has no trouble fitting on his mat.

‘Jaemin’s not my boyfriend,’ Jeno mumbles. Since it’s his room and his birthday he’s claimed the bed.

Renjun snorts. ‘He would be if you asked.’

‘It’s my birthday, don’t attack me.’

‘It’s past midnight,’ Jisung points out. ‘Your birthday’s over.’

‘You could’ve let Jaemin stay, too, you know? We wouldn’t have minded,’ Renjun says.

Jeno sighs. ‘I know. But we really haven’t done this in a while and I kind of miss things the way they used to be. You know, when we were kids and everything.’

‘Ah, good times,’ Renjun reminisces. ‘Remember when Jisung was shorter than me?’

‘Damn, that was ages ago,’ Jisung replies.

‘Just promise me we won’t change,’ Jeno says. ‘Like, grow apart or something.’

‘I don’t think we will, to be honest. I’ve put up with you for like fourteen years, I might as well do the rest,’ Renjun says.

‘This is as close to saying I love you as you get,’ Jisung quips.

‘You’d never say that, either!’

‘True…’

‘Then I will,’ Jeno chimes in. ‘I love you guys.’

Jisung makes a gagging noise and Renjun throws a pillow at him but Jeno won’t take it back. Next year is their last year at high school before they all go in different directions, starting to move out and doing things the others might to be there for. They are all growing up, so fast that parts of it have already happened while Jeno wasn’t paying attention.

‘Get down here, you baby,’ Renjun demands and Jeno lets himself be pulled out of his bed until he’s sandwiched between his best friends, a tangle of limbs and blankets.

‘I’m only going to say this once but I’m grateful for you idiots,’ Renjun says quietly. ‘So, love you, I guess.’

Jeno snorts and Renjun reaches over him to slap Jisung’s arm. ‘Your turn.’

‘This is peer pressure,’ Jisung whines. ‘I don’t even tell Lele that I love him.’

The room is dead silent for a second before Renjun asks softly, ‘You love him?’

‘Uh, that’s not – I’m not sure. I’m pretty young, so how would I know?’ Jisung says, suddenly serious.

‘Good point,’ Jeno admits.

‘How do you feel, though?’ Renjun asks.

‘I just like him a lot. Like, a lot. So much it feels like my chest is going to burst sometimes. Ugh, I really – it feels pretty serious but I think it’s too early to call it love? So – oh my god, why am I telling you this?’

‘You’re pretty mature for your age sometimes,’ Jeno says.

‘I’m not that much younger.’

‘You’re literally a baby.’

‘You and Chenle are adorable,’ Renjun cuts in. ‘And my favourite couple solely for the reason that your PDA is you trying to choke each other. Whatever, Jisung, tell us you love us now.’

Jisung groans, smacking Jeno’s hands away when he tries to pinch is cheeks. ‘Would it be enough if I said that you guys are probably my favourite people?’

‘Nice try, but no.’

‘Fine. Perhaps maybe occasionally I love you morons.’

Renjun and Jeno share a glance in the dark and Jeno shrugs. ‘This is as good as it gets.’

They all start giggling but fall silent not long after and Jeno feels himself drifting off to sleep, more content than he’s been in a long time.

‘Hey, can I talk to you for a minute?’

Jeno looks up from his calc textbook and finds Donghyuck standing at his library table, fidgety and without Mark. ‘Uh, sure?’

Donghyuck pulls out the chair opposite of Jeno and sits down but doesn’t say anything for a while. He looks nervous and Jeno starts getting worried; what if something happened with Mark? Or Jaemin?

‘What is it?’ Jeno presses.

Donghyuck exhales and looks up. ‘I’m sorry,’ he says. ‘I know this comes, like, really fucking late but I figured… you know, New Year’s? That was super insensitive and rude and I shouldn’t have like, assumed things.’

‘Oh.’ Jeno almost forgot about that already. There were so many other things going on and Donghyuck wasn’t very present anyway, so Jeno just kind of dropped it. ‘Okay. I’m not mad or anything. I mean, not anymore. You’re forgiven, I guess.’

‘Really?’

‘It’s been like four months.’

‘That kinda makes it worse, don’t you think?’

Jeno shrugs. ‘I don’t really care.’

Donghyuck deflates a little with relief, which means something because he rarely apologises and usually doesn’t care when he does. ‘Cool. Hey, some of us are getting ice cream once basketball practice is over. Do you wanna come?’

Jeno looks down at the formulas. Anything would be better than this, if he’s honest. ‘Who’s coming?’

Donghyuck smirks. ‘Jaemin will be there.’

Jeno’s starting to think that Jaemin is probably the only person who doesn’t know about his crush on him. Then again, he might know. The thought makes Jeno nervous but he nods anyway, trying to be nonchalant. ‘Okay.’

‘I’ll text you when we’re at the gates,’ Donghyuck says with another mischievous smile and then he leaves Jeno with his books.

Turns out ‘some of us’ are literally only Mark, Donghyuck and Jaemin. Jeno is not sure if he should regret coming when he walks towards them where they are leaning against the school gates, talking and laughing. Donghyuck is trying to kiss Mark’s cheek, who pretends to be annoyed, while Jaemin watches them, actually annoyed. When Jaemin sees Jeno his expression changes to relieved.

‘Thank god,’ Jaemin exclaims dramatically when Jeno reaches them. ‘You saved me from third-wheeling.’

‘I thought there would be more people,’ Jeno says with a side-glance to Donghyuck who returns a look that very clearly indicates that he knows Jeno’s not unhappy about their constellation.

‘Let’s go, then,’ Mark says.

They take the bus to the town centre, even though it’s only two stops because they are lazy teenage boys. It’s crowded, so they have to stand and Jeno feels Jaemin press against his back whenever the bus brakes. Jaemin is the clingiest person on this planet but sometimes it feels different, especially when other people are around. Especially when Donghyuck keeps throwing him glances.

They finally get off the bus and Donghyuck brings them to a small café. Since the weather is alright Jaemin makes them sit outside and a short waitress comes to take their orders.

‘I can’t wait for summer,’ Donghyuck says while they wait. ‘Mum said we’d go on an actual holiday somewhere this year. Like, to the beach and stuff. What are you guys doing?’

‘Probably nothing.’ Jaemin looks up from the napkin he’s been strategically shredding to bits. ‘I’m tired of hotels and all that fancy shit. I’d rather go camping with friends or something.’

Mark rolls his eyes. ‘Rich people problems.’

Everyone laughs and Donghyuck starts smothering Mark with affection. He only stops once the waitress brings their ice cream and it gets really quiet while they eat.

Jaemin nudges Jeno in the side. ‘Do you want my strawberry ice cream?’

‘You order a strawberry sundae and then don’t eat the ice cream?’ Jeno asks with raised eyebrows.

‘I like strawberries,’ Jaemin explains. ‘I don’t like the artificial flavour.’

Jeno snorts, then switches their bowls. On the other side of the table Mark is feeding Donghyuck and it’s honestly so disgusting to watch that Jeno considers throwing his spoon at them.

‘Wanna ditch?’ Jaemin says with a low voice, leaning over. He’s watching Mark and Donghyuck, too. ‘If we get up really fast and just run they won’t know what hit them. And we won’t have to pay.’

Jeno considers this for barely a second. Donghyuck owes him anyway and he can only watch him kiss Mark for so long with Jaemin sitting right next to him like some test of self-control. ‘Okay.’

Jaemin gives him a sly smile and counts them down silently. On three, they both jump up and make a break for it, Jaemin’s hand somehow finding Jeno’s to drag him along. Someone, probably Donghyuck, is shouting after them but Jeno only hears his own heartbeat, racing down the pavement with Jaemin laughing beside him.

They eventually slow down, catching their breaths while leaning against the wall of a store and Jaemin is still grinning. ‘Mark’s gonna be so pissed.’

‘He shouldn’t be,’ Jeno pants. ‘We basically gifted him a date with Hyuck.’

‘Like he doesn’t get enough of those.’ Jaemin rolls his eyes and snorts. ‘Right. Where do you want to go?’

They end up going shopping which is apparently one of Jaemin’s secret pleasures. Jeno thinks it’s probably easier to enjoy when you have a seemingly endless supply of money, even though Jaemin ensures him that he does have a limit. That doesn’t keep him from buying Jeno the shirt he’s been eyeing, no matter how much Jeno protests.

They are sitting at the bus stop now, each with a plastic bag, huddled together because it still gets cold in the evenings.

‘I was wondering…’ Jaemin starts and then doesn’t continue. The low sun makes his skin glow and Jeno’s breath catches a little when he looks over.

‘Wondering what?’

Jaemin bites his bottom lip. It almost distracts Jeno from the question that follows. ‘Do you want to sleep over?’

‘Sure.’ Something is weird. Jaemin seems almost nervous, like a sleepover isn’t a normal occurrence by now. ‘There’s something you’re not telling me.’

Jaemin waves him off. ‘There’s no such thing. Do you want to go to yours first to get your stuff? I can probably lend you things to sleep in, though.’

‘What is it?’

‘Nothing.’

‘Come on.’

‘What’s so bad about me wanting to have you around?’

Jeno melts a little more every time Jaemin says something like this and he has to remind himself that this is just friendship. He’s Jaemin’s best friend and Jaemin’s amiable, that’s all. He thought he’d lost Jaemin as a friend once before and he’s not going to risk it again, even if that means he’ll never get to kiss him. Will never get to tell him how it makes him feel when Jaemin is like this. ‘Nothing. That’s cute.’

‘Shut up or you’re sleeping on the floor.’

They bicker a bit more until the bus arrives. It’s pretty full again because apparently everyone’s going home at this time but Jeno lets Jaemin sit on his lap when he finds a free seat and it’s nice. Jeno doesn’t bother going home first, just texts his mum and walks up Jaemin’s street with Jaemin skipping ahead.

They don’t do much else. Jaemin turns the TV on for a while and they watch a drama none of them know or understand but Jeno is too occupied thinking about Jaemin anyway.

Eventually they get ready to sleep, Jaemin handing him an oversized shirt and a new toothbrush and they take turns using the bathroom. When Jeno comes back, Jaemin is already in bed, lying close to the wall to leave enough space for Jeno.

It’s not like this hasn’t happened before but Jeno’s resolve is really starting to crack.

Once he lies down, Jaemin curls into his side, tangling their legs together. He leaves the lamp on the nightstand on, though, so Jeno figures he wants to talk. ‘Thanks for staying.’

‘Are you okay?’ Jeno asks.

‘Now I am.’

It just confirms Jeno’s suspicion that there’s something bothering Jaemin. ‘What’s that mean?’

‘I was just – super stressed out. You know, with Jaehyun and home and everything.’

‘Mhm. But now it’s over. The Jaehyun thing at least.’

‘Yeah.’

‘How did he find out anyway? About you, I mean.’

Jaemin shrugs, blushing slightly. ‘I was scrolling through some LGBT+ advice page thing at the library and he saw. I tried to deny and everything but he didn’t buy it and I didn’t think it would be a problem because, you know, I thought we were friends.’

Jeno thinks about what Jaehyun said to him. That he knows. Jeno wonders if Jaemin ever even considered the possibility that Jeno might like him like that. Maybe Jaemin just doesn’t want to see it. ‘Weird how you can be so wrong about someone.’

‘Whatever, I’m glad Jaehyun’s not a problem anymore. And it’s nice because I kinda feel more like myself at school? Most people have been really nice about it, so it’s easier to ignore the ones that aren’t.’

‘I told you everyone loves you.’

Jaemin is quiet and Jeno looks down at him. He has his eyes closed, dark eyelashes throwing shadows across his cheekbones. Jeno looks at his gentle face, his tan skin, the messy fringe that’s hiding his eyebrows right now. His stupid cat mouth that makes Jeno wonder if it’s as soft as it looks and how it would feel –

‘I’m getting sleepy,’ Jaemin murmurs. ‘Can you turn off the light?’

Jeno does, though a little reluctantly because it means he has to stop admiring Jaemin’s features, but it’s probably for the best. Jaemin snuggles closer as soon as it’s dark and Jeno listens to his even breath for a while, letting himself be lulled to sleep, all wrapped up in Jaemin and everything he makes him feel, dreaming about a reality in which they could be more than best friends.

Jeno startles awake. For a second he doesn’t know where he is or what woke him but then there’s a muffled crash that makes him jump. Someone downstairs shouts something Jeno can’t make out, then it’s quiet again.

Jeno feels around on the blanket but the bed is cold where Jaemin should be. He switches on the little lamp, blinking against the sudden brightness until his eyes get used to it, and finds Jaemin sitting at the end of the bed, back against the wall, knees drawn up. He’s hiding his face, hands covering his ears.

‘Jaemin?’ Jeno asks softly but it’s almost drowned out by another shout downstairs. Jeno realises it must be Jaemin’s mother and a male voice answers, probably his dad’s. There’s another crash, like glass shattering on tiles.

Jeno scoots over to Jaemin, carefully touching his shoulder to not startle him. He’s shaking, Jeno realises, so he pulls Jaemin closer. ‘Hey, Nana.’

Jaemin sniffles and melts into Jeno’s side, hiding his face in Jeno’s chest. Jeno sees it for long enough to notice that he’s crying, has been for a while. His skin is blotched, his eyes puffy, and when Jeno puts his arms around him he lets out a suppressed sob.

Jeno doesn’t know what to do. This is so much worse than the first time he’s seen Jaemin cry because this time it’s desperate, not the ‘I have a problem and don’t know what to do’ kind of crying, but the ‘this has been hurting me so much I can’t take it anymore’ kind. Downstairs something else gets smashed, more things get shouted, but Jeno only catches keywords, like ‘work’ and ‘asshole’ and then ‘Jaemin’.

Jaemin buries his face deeper in Jeno’s shirt when he hears his name and Jeno tries to hold his own tears back because this is what Jaemin’s been talking about. ‘They fight a lot,’ he’d said. ‘Always have.’

Jeno thinks about all the times Jaemin must have been in this situation, alone, forced to listen to this. How he never told anyone, always keeps it in and still somehow manages to be his bright, beautiful self.

‘– piss off!’ Jaemin’s mother screams, so loud and clear that it feels like she’s standing on the other side of the wall, and then a door slams closed. There’s a short silence and Jeno holds his breath to listen. Downstairs, someone starts sobbing.

Jaemin stopped crying. His breathing is still hiccupping, though, and Jeno starts humming a melody, so Jaemin won’t hear his mum. Then he sings a little, some nonsensical song because he can’t seem to remember a single thing he’s ever listened to in his life but he’s seriously panicking now and doesn’t know what else to do.

Jeno isn’t sure how long they sit there like this. Jaemin doesn’t move a muscle, just stays attached to Jeno. At some point Jaemin’s mum falls silent, too, and Jeno can’t tell if she went to sleep or left.

‘I’m sorry,’ Jaemin says then, voice thick. ‘I – I didn’t know dad would come back today.’

‘What? You don’t need to be sorry. It’s not your fault. I’m sorry.’

Jaemin sniffs and untangles himself from Jeno. ‘I’m gonna wash my face real quick.’

Jeno stays alone in the dark. His – or rather, Jaemin’s – shirt is sticky and wet where Jaemin had cried into it but Jeno doesn’t care.

Jaemin comes back quickly, barely looking any fresher, and settles back down next to Jeno, keeping a small distance this time.

‘I’m really sorry,’ he repeats and his voice is a little more normal now. He looks ashamed. ‘You shouldn’t have had to hear that.’

‘Neither should you,’ Jeno stresses.

‘I’m mostly used to it, though.’

‘I don’t think you can get used to this kind of thing.’

‘Yeah, well, I have to.’

They are quiet for a moment and Jeno reaches out to take Jaemin’s hand. ‘One day this will be over, too, you know? You’re not going to be stuck here forever and I know you’re scared and everything but I’m – I’m here for you, okay? Whenever. For whatever.’

‘But that – I don’t want to ask for so much.’

‘You didn’t ask for anything.’

‘I asked you to stay here and now you – now it’s weird.’

‘Nothing’s weird. It’s just how things are. I don’t mind, I’m just sorry you have to go through this.’

It’s silent for a long time. The alarm clock on Jaemin’s desk tells Jeno that it’s almost four am and he watches the minutes go by, the red numbers changing.

At some point Jaemin leans his head against Jeno’s shoulder and closes his eyes. He looks so tired. Jeno absently circles his thumb over the back of Jaemin’s hand, wondering if he’ll ever be able to take this kind of worry off of him. He doesn’t know what he’d do if he was in Jaemin’s situation but he’s sure he wouldn’t handle it well.

Jaemin is pretty strong, Jeno thinks. For someone who seems to be so open to everyone, he hides a lot of things, never shows anyone that he’s actually hurting inside. How does he do it? Jeno can’t really hide anything, always lets things get to him even when he tries not to.

It’s admirable but also sad. Someone like Jaemin, a person with so many friends, shouldn’t have to go through anything alone.

Now he won’t have to. Now he has Jeno and even if friends is all they will ever be, Jeno will be there for him. Jaemin deserves that much. He deserves everything good in the world in Jeno’s opinion.

It’s past four now. Jeno doesn’t know if Jaemin’s asleep or not but he doesn’t want to move too much in case he is.

Jeno uses the hand that’s not holding Jaemin’s to brush Jaemin’s hair out of his eyes and Jaemin leans into the touch with a sigh. He’s still so pretty. So pliant. Jeno wouldn’t mind looking at him forever.

‘It hurts, you know?’ Jaemin says quietly. His face is mostly hidden in the shadow Jeno casts over him and Jeno wants him to look up, but he doesn’t. ‘Sometimes they fight about me. About who’s the better parent, who raised me right or wrong or whatever. But the truth is, they both kind of suck right now. They don’t even care. They’re so busy fighting that it feels like they forget that I’m a real existing person.’

Jaemin swallows but he’s not done. ‘And I try to do well, to please them and not stress them out more. But it never feels like enough because they just, like, give me money when I really just want a hug, or something. I want to do things like we used to, go to the theatre or at least have them at my show cases sometimes but – that’s just not – it doesn’t happen. I know it’s stupid but I really just want both of them to look at me and put their ugly feud aside for one second and tell me that I’m doing a good job. That’s all I want.’

Jeno closes his eyes for a moment. It’s a lot to take in, even though he knew there would be something like this. It’s always different to hear it, to know it’s reality and not just a thought. He wishes he could put it all in a bottle and throw it in the ocean, fill a balloon with it and let it float into the sky. Just take it all away from Jaemin.

‘I know it’s not the same,’ Jeno begins. ‘But I’m pretty sure my mum will gladly hug you any time. She probably loves you more than me at this point.’

Jaemin snorts. It’s a disgusting sound with his snotty nose and everything but Jeno is still glad. ‘I freaking love your mum.’

‘Only because she doesn’t interview you about your every move. Honestly, though. If you want to you can talk to her about this. She’s good at this stuff. And I don’t know if it helps but I’ll come to every show case and hug you every day and tell you that you’re amazing and – did you know that we go camping sometimes? My aunt has a caravan and maybe you can come with us this time, I mean, if you want. I guess it might be lame with just me and my parents, so maybe we should, I don’t know, do something else or ask others –‘ Jeno realises he needs to breathe, urgently so, and Jaemin watches him with huge dark eyes while he tries to calm down.

‘Lee Jeno,’ Jaemin says and his voice sounds strange, full of wonder like he’s just witnessed a miracle. It’s an abrupt change and it puts Jeno on alert. ‘Do people ever tell you what an amazing person you are?’

‘I – what?’

‘Because you are,’ Jaemin insists. He won’t stop looking at Jeno and Jeno feels his face heat up.

‘I’m just trying my best –‘

‘I know. But you’re kind and calm and sometimes even funny and you’re always there. And you always listen to me, even when I’m being an idiot and you don’t push me away even when I’m annoying and I know you’re not that into skinship but you always let me hug you anyway and I just…’

Jeno looks up, mildly alarmed because Jaemin’s voice got really quiet and kind of throaty. Sure enough, there are new tears glistening in Jaemin’s eyes but this time he doesn’t look sad or desperate. He looks different and Jeno doesn’t know why but it makes his heart race.

‘I just feel like you should know that. That you’re really my best friend and that – that you’re really important to me. The most important, actually,’ Jaemin finishes.

Jeno blinks, breathes in and out. Everything inside him screams I love you but he can’t say it, not now when Jaemin is so vulnerable. It wouldn’t be fair. At this point it’s almost impossible to keep in and it seems so essential, too, but it’s not right.

Maybe tomorrow. Maybe tomorrow, when Jeno opens his eyes and finds Jaemin too close to him in the morning, his smile the first thing he sees, maybe then it will spill out. Maybe he’ll let it happen.

‘You’re really important to me, too,’ he says simply. He doesn’t think Jaemin gets just how much he means it but it has to be enough for now. ‘But you’re being sappier than usual, so I think we should try to sleep.’

Jaemin lets out a choked laugh. ‘Okay.’

So they lie down and Jaemin attaches himself to Jeno’s chest and Jeno wraps his arm around his waist, holding him so close Jeno feels like his heart is beating right against Jaemin’s shoulder blades.

It’s the least platonic thing, to sleep like this, and Jeno’s sure Jaemin knows that. But it’s always so hard to tell with Jaemin. He seems to have a different definition, blurring lines and sidestepping them and driving Jeno to the brink of what he can tolerate.

His heart doesn’t shut up all night about the things Jaemin said. It hurts because Jeno wants to protect him but doesn’t know how, wants to keep him this close forever, wants to tell him that he doesn’t need his parents to tell him how great he is.

Jeno wants more, always wants too much.

Jeno wakes up feeling like roadkill. Jaemin is already up, cracking open the window to let in some fresh air, his silhouette dark and washed out against the light.

‘Time’s it?’ Jeno croaks, sitting up.

‘Nine or something,’ Jaemin says. He turns around and he looks tired, too, but a lot better than he did last night. His hair is wet and with the backlight from the window he looks almost celestial.

‘You okay?’ Jeno asks.

Jaemin smiles and flops down next to Jeno. ‘Now I am. I don’t know how long you can stay, though. Mum shouldn’t know you were here. She’ll know you heard – you know. Do you want to shower?’

Jeno doesn’t know why he should when he could just go shower at home but Jaemin’s bathroom is huge and with one of those fancy showers that let you control the water pressure. Plus, Jeno would get to use Jaemin’s shampoo.

‘Alright,’ he sighs and drags himself to his feet, even though leaving is the last thing he wants to do right now. All he wants is to sit there and look at Jaemin until he finds the courage to confess. Instead he collects his clothes from Jaemin’s desk chair and goes to the bathroom.

The warm spray of the shower wakes him up a little and he replays last night’s events again. Remembers how Jaemin said Jeno was most important to him. Wonders if that could mean something, wishes it would. Maybe he should just ask. Hey, what did you mean with that? Hey, what are we? Jaemin, you know, best friends don’t really spoon each other…

Jeno blinks the water out of his eyes. The air smells like Jaemin now, lemon grass and spring, and Jeno could live in it. Could live in the space between Jaemin’s arms, in the corners of his life, always somehow touching. Always next to each other.

He wants to do all the simple things, all those high school romance clichés they talk about in books and movies, like ask him to prom and then run away from it when it turns out to be shit. He wants to take him to the theatre where they would fight about who pays for the snacks and Jaemin would win. He wants to smooth his finger along the curve of Jaemin’s jaw, run a thumb over his bottom lip just to feel the give, wants Jaemin to slide his hands around his neck before they kiss.

He shuts the water off, willing the heat on his face away.

All he wants, really, is for Jaemin to know that he is loved. That Jeno would go every length for him, would fight Jaehyun three times, would quit any club, even though he knows Jaemin would never ever ask that of him.

That’s the thing: Jaemin has never asked him for anything but Jeno is so ready to give. And Jaemin – he’s given Jeno back so much.

Right now, Jeno isn’t scared. He used to be afraid of many things but now, if they are for Jaemin, doing those things is easy.

Even this. Maybe – maybe even this.

Jaemin is lying on his bed when Jeno comes back. His hair is messy and he looks exhausted because they hardly slept but the quietude of the morning and the brightness of the filtered sunlight through the curtains make him look stunning nonetheless.

Jeno can only stand there, admiring Jaemin and his long legs, the shirt that’s ridden up a little to show one of his hipbones and a strip of his lean stomach. Against the stark white of his sheets his skin looks like smooth caramel and Jeno knows what it feels like, knows how warm he is to the touch. It’s something he’ll never forget and yet he wants to feel it again, wants to be closer –

‘You’re staring,’ Jaemin remarks, looking terribly pleased as he stretches himself out on the mattress.

Seeing Jaemin like this feels like falling apart and Jeno shoves his last inhibitions down. He wants to tell him, wants to be free of this, can’t possibly look at Jaemin any longer without having him know everything. It’s not the right time and not the right place but Jeno figures there has never been anything right about it anyway. You’re not supposed to fall for your best friend. You’re not supposed to fall for Na Jaemin, not when you’re Lee Jeno.

But it happened anyway and Jeno is so tired of carrying it around like he has a stone for a heart, not when Jaemin makes him feel so good. Not when he likes every inch of that boy in front of him and when he’s been worth every bit of trouble, every moment of heartache and sadness and anger. Jeno wouldn’t change anything even if a life without Jaemin might have been less stressful – it would have been a lot darker, a lot less colourful, too. Jaemin taught Jeno what affection means. Taught him how to love someone despite never knowing that he did.

Maybe Jaemin will understand. Maybe Jaemin will give him time to get over it, so that they can at least stay friends. It seems okay to risk it now, like it’s going to be worth it one way or another. It doesn’t even feel like a risk. It feels like something that’s been a long time coming and it has. It has.

Jaemin’s smile fades. ‘What is it?’

‘I need to tell you something,’ Jeno starts.

‘Okay.’ Jaemin props himself up. The collar of his shirt slips a little and Jeno supresses the urge to fix it for him.

He takes another breath. He thinks of Jaemin wrapped in a pride flag on top of a table in the school cafeteria. He thinks of the courage it must have taken. He thinks of Jaemin’s ‘thank you for making me brave’ and his incandescent smile. Jeno wants to tell him how it’s Jaemin who’s brave, who’s brilliant, who’s inspiring. Jaemin, who makes Jeno a better person without ever having to change him.

‘I really like you,’ he says.

The words seem too simple for the things Jeno feels but the impact is huge anyway. He could fly now if he wanted, a weight lifting off of him and letting him breathe in a way he hasn’t been able to in a long time. It’s out there now, out of his control. His heart belongs to Jaemin and it’s up to him to decide what to do with it, and Jeno is strangely okay despite his rapid pulse.

‘How do you mean that?’ Jaemin asks, sitting up to face him. Jeno catches his eyes for a second and quickly looks away.

‘I mean, I like you more than a friend,’ he clarifies. ‘More than I should. I’m – I’m sorry, I –‘

‘Shut up, oh my god.’

Jeno glances up again. There’s a strange expression on Jaemin’s face, half hopeful and half irritated. ‘Huh?’

‘I can’t even begin to tell you how much you frustrate me,’ Jaemin says disbelievingly. He looks overwhelmed and Jeno has ten billion thoughts all at once but none of them explain what this means. ‘You – I gave you about a hundred hints every day. And you still – I wanted to strangle you about ten times in the last –’

‘Jaemin, what are you saying –‘

Jaemin pushes himself up from the bed and suddenly he’s right there, right in front of Jeno. He can feel his warmth even though they are not touching anywhere. Jeno looks at the quick pace of his breathing, watches his Adam’s apple bob when he swallows, and then looks at his eyes.

Big mistake. Now Jeno can’t look away; Jaemin captivates him and there’s something fervid in his gaze that makes Jeno feel like someone’s striking a match on his sternum.

‘I’m saying I’ve liked you for ages,’ Jaemin whispers and takes Jeno’s hand. ‘So I’m going to kiss you now.’

‘Nana,’ Jeno blurts out but nothing else follows and even though this is all kinds of confusing, he can’t help the burst of happiness in his chest. It spills out of his ribcage and travels over his whole body until he feels like he’s glowing with it inside out.

Jaemin leans in close, breathing in Jeno’s space like he’s done a billion times except this is all different. Jeno has no idea what to do, suddenly nervous he’s going to make a mistake since he’s never done this before. He wants this too badly to screw up now but his heart is stuttering erratically –

Jaemin lets go of his hand and cups Jeno’s jaw instead. ‘Is this okay?’

Jeno nods. He watches Jaemin’s eyes flicker down to his mouth and instinctively does the same and Jeno has a violent flashback to Jaehyun’s party, when everything started going to shit. This time, though, everything’s falling into place.

Jeno closes his eyes and Jaemin kisses him.

Jeno forgets to breathe. He’s burning everywhere inside but in a good way, in a perfect way, because this is Na Jaemin. His lips are soft like Jeno thought they would be and he’s careful, pulling away too fast.

Jeno snaps for air. ‘Holy shit.’

Jaemin huffs out a laugh and god, he’s so beautiful. Jeno can’t believe he’s real, that this is real. Jaemin’s definitely too far away, though, so he pulls him closer again, so close their foreheads are touching, and then his courage leaves him all in a rush.

Jaemin takes the hint and presses their mouths together again, more confident this time, parting his lips a little and Jeno presses closer, closer, closer. He feels lightheaded and his heart is beating too fast but this is everything he’s wanted for so long. He feels Jaemin gently pushing him until the back of his knees hit the bed frame and they both tumble onto the mattress, laughing stupidly. Jaemin rolls them around, presses Jeno into the pillows and kisses him again.

Jeno breaks away to breathe, muffling his giddy laugh in Jaemin’s neck. They are both flushed and overwhelmed and one half of Jeno is still unconvinced that this is really happening.

‘Damn,’ Jaemin breathes. ‘I’ve wanted to do that for a while now.’

Jeno stares up at him. ‘Really?’

‘Yeah.’

‘Me, too.’

They both laugh again and Jaemin slips off of Jeno, making himself comfortable next to him instead.

‘I actually… I wanted to tell you earlier,’ Jeno admits quietly. ‘But then you started avoiding me and then after that I didn’t have the guts anymore.’

Jaemin giggles. One of his hands is buried in Jeno’s hair, carding his fingers through it. ‘I was thinking about saying something, too. But I couldn’t freaking tell if you liked me or if I was just reading too much into it. There were moments – I was really sure you liked me, sometimes. And everyone teased you about it. But then again there were a lot of moments where I wasn’t. I gave you so many freaking hints, like I literally kissed you all the time and said all this cheesy shit, and you just kind of ignored it. And then I started thinking that maybe you were trying to tell me that it would be better to be just friends.’

‘Fuck.’ Jeno feels like flinging himself off a cliff, or maybe repeatedly hitting his head against a brick wall. ‘I really thought you were just being affectionate. Because, you know, you’re kinda touchy with everyone. We’re both idiots, huh?’

Jaemin makes a sound somewhere between a whine and a snort. ‘You were worse than me.’

‘You could have said something!’

‘I was about to! At Jaehyun’s party, if you’d stayed. That night – I wanted to kiss you so badly. And I would have but then you left and I thought your reaction meant you didn’t like me after all.’

‘I panicked, okay? I thought I was imagining the whole thing! Or that you were, I don’t know, being overly affectionate.’

‘I can’t believe my boyfriend is a fool.’

Jeno almost chokes. ‘Boyfriend?’

Jaemin glances at him, brushing a strand out of Jeno’s forehead. ‘Do you want to be…?’

‘I mean, yeah,’ Jeno confirms. He couldn’t stop the grin spreading on his face even if he tried. Not that he wants to. He doesn’t ever want to stop feeling like this: complete, somehow, like he belongs here with Jaemin where it feels like nothing else exists. It’s just them in a bubble of fondness that seems unbreakable right now, even though so many things have happened.

‘God, I wish you could stay,’ Jaemin murmurs.

‘Why can’t I? I could just hide in your room forever,’ Jeno replies. He doesn’t want to leave. Maybe if he does, Jaemin will decide that this was a mistake. Or maybe Jeno will freak out and avoid Jaemin because he’s an idiot like that.

‘My mum would beat my ass if she found out.’ Jaemin sits up, pulling Jeno with him. ‘But I’ll see you tomorrow, yeah? And every day after.’

‘Wait,’ Jeno says. ‘Does your mum actually beat you?’

‘What? No.’

They look at each other.

‘Are you telling me the truth?’ Jeno asks.

Jaemin leans forward and gives Jeno a peck. ‘Let’s talk about this another time.’

‘You – you can’t just kiss me every time you want to avoid something,’ Jeno chides.

Jaemin raises an eyebrow. ‘Oh yeah? Does it not work?’

‘No.’

Jaemin grins. He doesn’t even have to kiss Jeno to distract him. ‘We’ll see. But you really have to leave now.’

They sneak downstairs and once Jeno slipped into his jacket Jaemin pushes him against the door and kisses him again, properly, until Jeno no longer remembers where or who he is.

‘I love that I can just do this now,’ Jaemin pants, pulling away. ‘See you tomorrow?’

Jeno is not sure how he’s going to survive dating Jaemin when it’s going to be like this, a heart attack every morning, but he’ll deal with it. ‘Definitely.’

‘Great.’

Jeno only leaves very reluctantly.

As expected, Renjun and Jisung completely lose their shit when Jeno tells them in the group chat. For half an hour Jeno’s phone doesn’t stop vibrating even when all they send are keyboard smashes and exclamation marks. They both threaten to come over but Jeno tells them he’s busy, which is pretty much the truth. He has to finish some homework for Monday but it takes at least twice as much effort, concentration and willpower than usual because a) Jaemin keeps texting him and b) Jeno keeps zoning out, remembering everything that happened in the past twenty-four hours and questioning the reality of it.

Renjun calls him anyway.

‘Tell me everything,’ he demands, so Jeno does. He leaves out the parents thing, though. It’s not his story to tell.

‘Can you believe he’s liked me all along?’ Jeno asks. ‘That’s crazy. Who does that?’

‘Not to be a bitch but I told you you should have asked him out earlier,’ Renjun notes. ‘But better late than never, huh? I’m happy for you.’

‘Thanks. But Renjun. You’ve said it all along. You’re the best, you know? Really, I don’t know what I would have done without –’

‘Oh god, no thanks, I can’t do this. Call your boyfriend for this emo shit, I’m out. See you tomorrow!’ Then he hangs up and leaves Jeno with a chest full of emotions and a new message in his inbox.

♡ nana ♡ (7:13 PM)

about tmr..

turns out im being dragged to my grandmas

i tried to get out of it but mum didnt budge so i wont see u

（ ◞ ‸ ◟ ）

but!!!! monday

pinky promise

Jeno (7:13 PM)

nooooo

:(

text me if u can pls?

♡ nana ♡ (7:13 PM)

obviously!!

so now that we r together,,,

r we gonna be open about it @school??

i mean its fine if u dont wanna i know ur not out and stuff

im just asking so i dont accidentally do smth stupid~

Jeno (7:13 PM)

damn i dont think i could hide it even if i wanted to

so do whatever stupid thing u want

♡ nana ♡ (7:13 PM)

hngggdgssg !!!!

ugh wish u were here

Jeno (7:13 PM)

u saw me this morning

[but same]

♡ nana ♡ (7:13 PM)

mums calling me for dinner :(((

ill text later??

Jeno (7:13 PM)

yes pls!!

u ok tho?

♡ nana ♡ (7:13 PM)

uM I JUST GOT A BOYFRIEND ???

Jeno (7:13 PM)

i mean with ur mum and stuff u idiot

♡ nana ♡ (7:13 PM)

oh

yeah thats cool

nothing can destroy me today

Jeno (7:13 PM)

♡ ♡ ♡

♡ nana ♡ (7:14 PM)

thats the first time u send a heart

<3<3<3<3<3<3<33<

( ♡´ ౪ ` ♡ )

ilu

Jeno (7:14 PM)

hdhdjh

ilu2

Jeno abandons his unfinished homework completely, pressing his face into the pillows instead. He kissed Na Jaemin today. Kissed. Held his hand. Looked at him when he was grinning down at him, eyes filled with the same affection that Jeno has been trying so hard to hide.

But it’s a little intimidating, too, because now things are really going to change between them. Sure, he wanted that change, but Jeno’s never had a boyfriend, he doesn’t know how anything works. What if he does something wrong? What if Jaemin gets annoyed by his inexperience and insecurity? Jeno really doesn’t want him to realise that they were better as just friends.

Maybe Jeno screams a little. Not for very long, though, because then his mum knocks, asking him if he’s alright. Obviously she doesn’t wait before she sticks her head in, which is honestly irresponsible because Jeno is a teenager who could be doing embarrassing things.

Not that screaming into a pillow isn’t embarrassing enough, but still.

‘What’s going on?’ she asks, mildly concerned. ‘Did you fight with Jaemin again?’

Should Jeno tell her? Would Jaemin be okay with it? He probably would. She’s going to find out one way or another; there’s no way Jeno could hide it when –

‘Oh my god,’ she exclaims, opening the door completely and sitting down on Jeno’s bed, pushing his textbooks away.

‘Uh, mum, what –‘

‘Tell me what happened. Did you ask him out?’ She looks like a child on Christmas morning and Jeno is a little daunted, wondering if it’s normal for mothers to be so invested in their son’s love life.

‘Yeah, kind of,’ he gives in. ‘He’s like. Mum. Mum, he’s my – my boyfriend now.’

His mum laughs and hugs him, nearly breaking his neck in the process.

‘Ow –’

‘Sorry, honey, I just got excited.’ She lets him go but stays close to Jeno, looking at him expectantly. ‘When’s he coming over next?’

‘Never again,’ Jeno says firmly.

‘So tomorrow. Great, I’ll make dinner. What’s his favourite food? Never mind, maybe your dad can go pick up some takeaway after work –‘

‘Okay, you have to get out, I have homework to finish.’

She laughs but to Jeno’s relief she actually gets up and walks to the door. ‘I’m glad.’

Not as much as I am. ‘Ugh, bye.’

‘I’m so glad you finally got your shit together,’ Renjun singsongs for probably the hundredth time since Jeno arrived at school.

‘Me, too.’

Renjun pushes some students out of the way to keep up with Jeno who’s hurrying to the cafeteria. He hasn’t seen Jaemin yet, which is unbearable now that they are together. He spent his whole Sunday thinking about Jaemin and what happened and then worried about in which ways this could go wrong because his mind is terrible like that. He really doesn’t want to wait much longer. He needs to know if any of his concerns are true. If Jaemin changed his mind. Needs to know if it feels as good as he remembers, to be with him.

‘Just promise me you won’t forget about me,’ Renjun mumbles and despite everything Jeno slows down.

Renjun doesn’t use this tone often. Doesn’t often show that there are things that get to him. Renjun is probably the toughest out of them, always listens to everyone’s bullshit without talking much about his own. From previous conversations Jeno knows that it’s Renjun’s choice and that he’s fine with it but in the rare occasions in which Renjun decides to be vulnerable, Jeno listens all the more intently.

‘How could I forget about you?’ Jeno asks. ‘You sit next to me in most classes. You live two minutes away from me. You’re my best friend.’

Renjun shrugs, looking at his shoes. ‘I don’t wanna be, like, possessive or anything but people change when they get into relationships. Jisung’s always with Chenle now and if you do the same with Jaemin I literally have no more friends.’

‘First of all, the Chinese kids have basically adopted you in case you haven’t noticed, so there’s that. And second of all, that’s not going to happen. If it does, I give you permission to slap some sense into me,’ Jeno assures him.

Renjun smiles tentatively. ‘Can’t refuse that deal.’

‘Come on.’ Jeno throws his arm over Renjun’s shoulders, pulling him along through the now crowded hallways.

Jaemin is already at their table talking to Jisung and Chenle. He looks up when Jeno and Renjun approach, a grin appearing on his face immediately and Jeno feels his legs turn into jelly.

‘What’s up,’ Renjun greets, sliding into his seat next to Jisung while Jeno sits down next to Jaemin.

Jeno feels awkward for a moment, unsure of what he should do, wondering what Jaemin might expect from him. But Jaemin smiles, shifting until their shoulders are pressed together, and that touch is enough to assure him that it’s okay.

‘So, Jaemin,’ Renjun starts, folding his hands in front of him. ‘I know I might not look like much of a threat to you right now but I promise you if you hurt Jeno you can say goodbye to all joys in life.’

‘Don’t worry,’ Jaemin says, sliding his arm around Jeno’s waist to tug him closer. It seems Jeno’s been worrying over nothing again. ‘I’m not planning on letting this one go.’

‘Good.’

‘So are you going to make it official or what?’ Chenle asks from the side.

Jeno nods.

‘Are you sure you want to?’ Jaemin inquires. ‘People are going to talk. A lot.’

‘They were already talking,’ Jeno replies.

Jaemin nods, leaning his chin on Jeno’s shoulder. ‘It doesn’t matter anyway. I just thought it might make you uncomfortable.’

‘I don’t care.’

‘Just kiss or something, you cowards,’ Renjun tells them. ‘That’s the easiest way to spread the word.’

Jeno feels self-conscious for a second, knowing his friends are watching when Jaemin leans in, but then Jaemin’s lips are on his, careful and gentle, and it’s easy to forget about everything else.

‘I didn’t mean now, oh my god! My eyes!’

Jaemin pulls away, laughing. ‘Sorry.’

He doesn’t look sorry in the slightest, kissing Jeno quickly a second time.

Yukhei is the first to show up. Jeno doesn’t know if he should consider that unfortunate or not because Yukhei is loud and popular, which means people are always listening to whatever shit he says. Which happens to be: ‘Oh my god, did I just see that with my own two eyes? Na Jaemin kissing Lee Jeno? My two gay babies! Here, have my blessing!’ And then he picks both of them up and whirls them around.

Renjun was right. This is the fastest way to get it out into the world. Jaemin gives Jeno a concerned glance but Jeno just shrugs, smiling at him, and Jaemin takes over. All through lunch people come over to have their rumours confirmed but most just give them looks, especially when the break is over and they have to go their separate ways. Jeno doesn’t really mind. Everyone should know that Jaemin belongs to someone now. To him.

(Renjun kicks him in the shin. ‘Stop smiling like that when there’s single people around.’)

They walk home together that day, at least for a little bit. It’s a detour for Jaemin but he insisted, taking Jeno’s hand and dragging him along.

‘Mum invited you for dinner tonight,’ Jeno says. ‘She knows we’re, you know. Together.’

‘Cool. Tell her I’ll be there,’ Jaemin replies. He’s staring ahead, looking pensive. ‘Do you really think I can talk to her? About my parents, I mean.’

‘Yeah. Do you want to?’

Jaemin is quiet for a moment and they keep walking, shoulders jostling every now and then because none of them want any distance between them. ‘I tried talking to my mum yesterday. You know, about dad and why they’re fighting and whatnot. She wouldn’t really give me answers, just told me it’s her business and they’ll fix it and that I should go be a good kid as if I haven’t been all this time. It was – it was really frustrating.’

‘Oh no. Why didn’t you tell me yesterday?’

‘I didn’t want you to think about anything that wasn’t happy. I actually wanted to tell her about you, too, you know? But it wasn’t a good moment, so I didn’t.’

Jeno pulls Jaemin to a stop. ‘I thought you didn’t want your mum to find out.’

‘Yeah, but maybe then she’d pay attention to me for once.’

‘Jaemin…’

‘I know. It would have been the wrong thing to do and it sucks but I’m – I’m so tired of it. Sorry, I’m being a downer but I legit – yeah, I guess I should try talking to your mum.’

Jeno hugs Jaemin, still standing in the middle of the street. Jaemin clings to him and Jeno wishes he could just come home with him now instead of going back to his house. ‘That’s good. She’ll know what to do.’

‘Your family is great. You’re great.’

‘You’re better.’

‘That’s just a rumour.’

Jeno snorts and lets go of Jaemin. ‘Come on.’

‘So I heard your boyfriend is coming over,’ Jeno’s dad teases, standing in the door with one hand propped on his hip.

Jeno stops setting the table to shoot him an expression of betrayal. ‘Not you, too.’

His dad laughs. ‘No worries. He’s a decent boy.’

‘Great conversation, thanks a lot, shouldn’t you get changed or something?’

The doorbell rings and Jeno’s dad smirks when Jeno practically runs past him, skidding to a stop to open the door.

Jaemin is wearing a thin white button-down, black jeans and his hair is parted. Jeno, who was expecting Jaemin to show up in casual attire as usual, nearly chokes.

‘Jaemin, what the fuck.’

‘Good evening to you, too, babe,’ Jaemin retorts easily, kissing Jeno’s reddening cheek before coming in. Jeno can’t even answer, trying to process what Jaemin just called him while he watches him put his shoes and jacket away.

‘Oh, hi, Jaemin!’ Jeno’s mum says, his dad in tow. ‘Look at you! Handsome.’

Jaemin smiles. ‘Thanks.’

Jeno’s mum grins back, then looks at Jeno, probably already thinking of humiliating remarks about why he’s as flustered as he is.

‘Come on in,’ his dad saves him. ‘Dinner’s takeaway, I got lots of things to share.’

Luckily Jeno’s dad lets them escape upstairs after dinner, even though his mum looks terribly disappointed about that. She’s been teaming up with Jaemin to tease the living hell out of Jeno.

‘Why are you wearing that fancy ass shirt?’ Jeno complains, flopping down on his mattress.

‘Because you invited me over for dinner with your parents as your official boyfriend, duh. I wanted to look presentable.’ Jaemin smirks, playing with his collar. ‘Would you rather I take it off?’

‘Oh my god, you’re terrible.’ Jeno rolls around, hiding his face in the pillows. The mattress bounces when Jaemin lies down next to him, poking him in the ribs and Jeno squeaks.

‘Ticklish, huh?’ Jaemin notes. ‘Interesting.’

‘Oh, this is not a fight you want to start,’ Jeno warns. Jaemin stops grinning but it’s too late; Jeno is already reaching for Jaemin’s sides.

Jaemin ends up on the floor, dishevelled and out of breath just like Jeno, who’s still on the bed and significantly more smug.

‘Undecided,’ Jaemin pants.

‘What? I’m clearly the winner here!’

‘You laughed just as much!’

‘If you wanna go again –‘

‘Okay, okay, fine, stop, peace, truce!’

Jeno snorts. ‘Get up here.’

Jaemin pouts and it’s the cutest thing Jeno’s ever seen in his life. ‘No. I don’t trust you anymore.’

‘You called truce.’

‘Still.’

‘But I – um. I want to kiss you.’

Jaemin throws him one last glare but gets up from the floor, settling down next to Jeno.

‘You look really good in button-downs,’ Jeno tells him, quiet now that Jaemin’s face is so close to his.

‘I know,’ Jaemin says.

‘Ugh, shut up.’

‘Make me.’

They are both silent for a moment and then Jeno laughs. ‘I walked right into that one.’

‘You did.’ Then Jaemin closes the distance between them.

It’s slow and sweet for a while until Jeno lets Jaemin part his lips with the tip of his tongue. It’s more intense than Jeno would have thought and he can’t stop his hands from gripping at Jaemin’s shirt, his hair, his back, heart thrashing in his ribcage. Jaemin doesn’t seem to mind, just pushes closer, cupping Jeno’s face with one hand while the other is propping him up.

‘Holy shit,’ Jaemin says, pulling back just enough for them to catch their breaths. ‘Have you done this before?’

‘No,’ Jeno gives back.

‘No? Then how are you so good at this?’

Jeno shrugs. He can tell his face is flushed but Jaemin looks equally flustered, so there’s no point in being embarrassed.

‘So I’m your first kiss,’ Jaemin realises, a soft grin appearing on his face that makes Jeno feel extra bashful.

‘Yeah. But I’m not yours.’

Jaemin kisses the tip of Jeno’s nose. ‘You’re the first who really matters.’

‘I thought you were some kind of player,’ Jeno admits. Jaemin is looking at him intently and Jeno isn’t sure if he wants to run away from the attention or wants even more of it. ‘You know, because you’re popular and everyone likes you and usually people exploit that.’

‘Hm, I guess that’s true. But I didn’t want anyone to know I wasn’t straight but I didn’t want to like, make out with random girls all the time, either, so… you see my dilemma? Whatever, it’s not like I would have… I mean, I like talking to lots of people. I like flirting and kissing, it’s fun, but it’s better when it’s with someone who actually means something.’

‘You nearly killed me,’ Jeno accuses him and Jaemin grins. ‘With anything you did, really. And then all those cheek kisses.’

‘How else was I supposed to show you I liked you? Without actually saying it?’

Jeno wrestles Jaemin around, flipping him over and trapping him underneath his body. Jaemin is still smiling playfully, like he was expecting something like this. He doesn’t even fight Jeno’s grip around his wrists and suddenly Jeno’s hit with how much Jaemin trusts him. How he’s vulnerable around him the way he’s with no one else, how he lets Jeno do these things, how Jaemin doesn’t try to hide his feelings anymore.

Jeno’s falling in love with all of it, all of Jaemin.

‘Are you just going to look all day?’ Jaemin asks. The tone of his voice is low and sly and it sends Jeno’s heart into a frenzy.

‘You’re debauched. I should just tickle you more,’ he counters.

Jaemin grins wider, like he can see right through Jeno. He probably can by now. Jeno isn’t trying to hide his feelings anymore, either.

‘Stop being so sweet,’ Jeno complains and presses his lips to Jaemin’s cheek. It feels a little like a miracle that he can just do this now. Then he moves on to the soft edge of his jaw, the corner of his mouth, his forehead, pushing his hair out of the way. Eventually he kisses him on the lips, chaste and innocent, and Jaemin blinks up at him, eyes a little glazed.

‘Oh, I’m sweet? What are you then?’ Jaemin asks. He twists one of his hands free and pulls Jeno closer by the neck, kissing him again.

Jeno thinks he could do this forever: just be with Na Jaemin, most wonderful person in the world.

They eventually regain some of their self-control and watch YouTube videos together, Jeno snuggled into Jaemin’s side. He can faintly hear Jaemin’s steady heartbeat where he’s resting his head on Jaemin’s chest and it makes him drowsy.

‘You still want to talk to my mum?’ Jeno asks.

Jaemin hums in confirmation. ‘Should I do it now?’

‘If we keep doing this we’re going to fall asleep.’

Jaemin nods and gets up, taking Jeno by the hand to go downstairs together. They find Jaemin’s mum in the living room, watching some action movie on TV with his dad.

‘Hey,’ Jeno says. ‘Mum, can we talk to you for a minute?’

‘Sure, honey.’

They sit down at the dining table. Jaemin doesn’t let go of Jeno’s hand, looking a little nervous.

‘If you were my daughter I’d be worried you’re going to tell me that you’re pregnant,’ Jeno’s mum quips and laughs at Jeno’s horrified face. ‘Just kidding! What is it?’

‘What the hell, mum.’

‘So what exactly is going on?’

Jeno looks at Jaemin and squeezes his hand. Jaemin glances back for a moment and then takes a deep breath before he starts.

Jaemin tells her everything, even the bits he hasn’t told Jeno. It gets hard, when Jaemin repeats the things his parents yell at each other and when his voice breaks Jeno’s mum sends Jeno to get tissues. She lets Jaemin talk until he’s said it all, just listening.

Jeno thinks about how Jaemin once said how lucky he is to have her but Jeno hasn’t actually realised it until now. He hasn’t realised how bad it really is for Jaemin, either, how it hurts Jaemin more than he’s suspected. It’s terrible to sit there and watch all the pain come to the surface, all the ache he’s been swallowing, the helplessness he’s been hiding.

And then – then, when Jaemin is done and they are all quiet for a while, Jeno’s mother asks, ‘Jaemin, has she ever hit you?’ and Jaemin replies, ‘Only once.’

It shocks all of them into another silence. Jeno feels like the world is tilting off its axis and there’s so many things he wants to say, wants to do, but somehow he can’t move.

‘Jeno,’ his mum says then. ‘Please go to the kitchen and make us some tea, yeah?’

Jeno doesn’t want to leave, not after this, but Jaemin lets go of his hand, so he gets up reluctantly. His mum probably wants to talk to Jaemin in private.

Jeno makes three cups of tea, figuring they could all use one. It takes a while and when Jeno comes back, Jaemin is looking a little less sad.

‘Don’t be afraid to talk to them,’ Jeno’s mother tells him, taking one of the cups off of Jeno. ‘Let me know if it gets worse. You’re always welcome here, alright, sweetie?’

Jaemin nods, swallowing hard. ‘Thank you, really. I had nowh – I didn’t know what to do.’

‘Sorry I couldn’t be of more help. But you’ll be alright, I promise.’

‘Thank you again.’

She smiles warmly. ‘Right, if that’s everything I’ll let you go now.’

They go back upstairs and lie down on the bed together again, side by side, just looking at each other. The mood is solemn, each of them lost in their own heads for a while. Their tea turns cold, forgotten on the nightstand.

Jeno reaches out to do the things he hasn’t been allowed to until now. He carefully touches Jaemin’s cheek and then, when Jaemin doesn’t back away, his mouth. It’s soft and strange and Jeno loves everything about this. It flusters him, being this close, feeling Jaemin’s heavy gaze on him, but he can do this now. Can run the tip of his finger over Jaemin’s jugular, feeling his pulse flutter under his skin, so warm, so fast.

Jaemin closes his eyes. He must be exhausted, Jeno thinks, tired from all the stress he’s had lately. He lets Jeno’s hand wander and explore, his own loosely holding on to the front of Jeno’s shirt.

It’s so intimate. So tender and new and exhilarating. Jeno feels breathless even though all he’s doing is lie here and touch Jaemin’s face. He wonders if Jaemin can feel the slight tremor in his fingers.

He hesitates but before he can pull back Jaemin curls his fingers around his hand and brings it back to his cheek.

‘It’s nice,’ he mutters.

So Jeno keeps doing it, touching Jaemin like he’s a dream. The worry and seriousness melt off Jaemin’s features with each second, smoothing them out.

‘Was talking to my mum a good thing?’ Jeno asks carefully.

‘Yeah,’ Jaemin replies. ‘I feel better now.’

‘That’s good. Do you want to sleep?’

Jaemin opens his eyes. ‘Sorry I’m being so emo.’

‘It’s cool. It’s not like you don’t have a reason.’

‘Usually I don’t let it get to me like this.’

‘Maybe once in a while you have to. You know, to deal with it properly.’

Jaemin’s smile is a small, delicate thing but it’s an honest one, too. Jeno wants to tell him how much he loves his smiles, no matter which version. How much he loves his laugh. How much he wants to protect him from all the things that trouble him, so that he never has a reason to stop being happy.

It’s a lot to ask for, Jeno knows.

‘You know, sometimes when you look at me like that it makes me feel really damn shy,’ Jaemin tells him. ‘But I don’t wanna show it because I’m the confident one in this relationship.’

Jeno snorts. The spell is broken, the fragility of the moment gone. ‘Are you now?’

‘Do you want proof?’ Jaemin smirks and that’s already enough. Jeno isn’t ready for Jaemin to test out just how confident he is.

‘Okay, yeah, whatever.’

‘I have to go home soon, though,’ Jaemin says.

‘I don’t want you to.’

‘I know. Me, neither.’

‘Don’t forget that you like me, okay?’

Jaemin takes Jeno’s hand, lifts it to his mouth and kisses his knuckles, one by one. ‘I could never forget you, Jeno.’

Jaemin kisses him again when they are standing in the threshold, lazy and careful, the fresh evening air around them. His fingers burn where they’re touching Jeno, sweeping the pads of his fingertips over his jawline. It’s hard to let him go. It’s always hard but more so after a day like this.

‘Goodnight, Jeno,’ Jaemin says quietly and steps back, out into the dimly lit street.

‘Goodnight, Nana.’

Jaemin smiles and it’s beatific, dazzling, a new beginning.

Even in the dark, he’s the brightest thing Jeno has ever seen.

Somewhere in the late weeks of spring between track practice and studying for exams, Jeno falls irrevocably in love with Jaemin.

Arguably it happened earlier, maybe even before they got together, but Jeno has the suspicion that this is another level kind of love which only happens once you’ve actually been with the other person for a while. It’s something that blooms slowly, like the blossoms that are flourishing on the trees now, more colourful every day. It happens so steadily that Jeno barely even realises until it hits him in the face like a train wreck full of emotions. It hasn’t even been that long since they got together but Jeno’s overwhelmed nonetheless.

Jaemin is throwing another party. He hasn’t in a while because after he came out there have been a handful of assholes making school more of a problem than Jeno had thought after the initial overwhelming support. But people are people, Jeno figures, and everyone is their worst self at some point during high school, so really, it’s no surprise.

Jaemin tells him he’s fine, he doesn’t care, but Jeno knows better. It’s because Jaemin loves everyone and loves to be loved in return and suddenly there’s this bunch of people he used to think of as friends that now hate him for having a boyfriend.

(Jaemin only talks about it once, when they are walking through the park in town. They stop at the pond to watch some geese that Jeno is secretly scared of.

‘I’m just disappointed,’ Jaemin explains. ‘I’ve known some of these people for years and I never noticed… I guess you never fully know a person. And it sucks.’

Perhaps coming out was a mistake, Jeno thinks. Maybe Jaemin would be happier now if he’d never done it. But how happy can you be when you hide a vital part of yourself?

Jaemin squares his shoulders. ‘Now I know who’s worth my time, though.’ Then he smiles sweetly and says, ‘The only one I really need is you, anyway.’

Jeno pushes him away, laughing.)

Now, though, now there’s a pavilion in Jaemin’s garden that was hell to assemble and put their young relationship on a serious strain, with a table underneath full of snacks and drinks, and some of their friends are mingling around already. Jeno watches Renjun and Jisung laugh from Jaemin’s window.

Between insecurity and stubbornness, Jaemin had hung up a rainbow garland and lanterns, saying since his parents aren’t here tonight there’s no one around to stop him, and now the garden looks like it’s holding a pride event. Maybe it kind of is. Maybe it’s an act of defiance, a fuck you, I don’t need you to the people who left Jaemin behind.

Jeno sure is proud of Jaemin. Every day he seems to be a better person, a better version of himself, always kinder, easier, lovelier. Jeno can’t keep up, only watches from the side-lines when Jaemin goes one step further. He seems so much happier now. His smile is real and there are no shadows on his face, just the sun.

Jeno is so grateful for that.

Downstairs in the garden, Renjun starts chasing Chenle around. Jeno can hear Chenle’s high-pitched laughter even from up here and he realises he’s so much happier, too.

These are his best friends down there. It’s almost summer; the days are getting longer and warmer, the nights shorter, the wind has exchanged its teeth for gentle breezes full of pollen. Tonight they are going to party under a golden sunset and Jeno is going to dance with Na Jaemin when the moon has risen and it’s going to be one of those few high school memories that he’s never going to want to let go of. He knows it. He can already feel it, the anticipation, the restless joy, all of the one million butterflies Jaemin makes him feel every single day.

Speaking of the devil, there’s the sound of steps on the staircase and Jeno turns around.

Jaemin is standing in his threshold, casually leaning against the door frame. He’s wearing a crisp white button-down over a shirt that’s tucked into his skinny jeans, hair pushed away from his forehead.

‘Hey,’ he says and Jeno feels himself burning up from the inside out not because this is Na Jaemin, most popular student and everyone’s heartthrob, but because this is Na Jaemin, the first person Jeno has ever fallen in love with.

He’s so beautiful, how he’s just standing there with his soft, soft smile, his dark eyes, one hand pushed into the pocket of his jeans with a silver bracelet glinting on his wrist.

It’s really hard to stop looking at him.

‘What are you doing?’ Jaemin asks. ‘I thought you wanted to get changed.’

Jeno looks down at himself. He’s still wearing a hoodie and sweats and he’s not really one to dress up for friends’ parties but this is unacceptable even for him.

Plus, Jaemin likes fashion. There’s an outfit on his bed that he’s picked out for Jeno: black jeans and a loose-fitting light blue button-down that goes well with Jaemin’s.

‘I guess I should,’ Jeno replies.

‘Find me in the garden when you’re done,’ Jaemin tells him but doesn’t leave.

‘What?’ Jeno asks.

Jaemin grins, a joyful glint in his eyes. ‘Nothing. I just like looking at you.’

Then he goes back downstairs and Jeno gets changed, trying to regain control of the avalanche of feelings inside him.

There are no stars and no moon tonight but Jeno doesn’t think he needs them when he sees every paper lantern reflected in Jaemin’s eyes. The music is a blanket around them, creating a space that only they share, and every touch is feather-light and purposeful at once as they dance around each other. Jaemin’s movements are precise, contained, just right. Jeno doesn’t know how he does it because right now he feels like reality is spinning out of control, unravelling right in front of his eyes with every smile that Jaemin directs at him.

‘I shouldn’t have picked that outfit for you,’ Jaemin says breathlessly. ‘You’re too hot now.’

‘You’re really thinking about my stupid outfit?’ Jeno asks.

Jaemin bites his lip, suppressing another grin. ‘I’m thinking about you. I always am.’

‘Oh god, shut up.’

‘I’m thinking about how you’re the best thing that ever happened to me.’

‘Nana.’

‘And about how you’ve helped me without ever even noticing.’

‘Stop.’

‘And about how you always get so shy when I say stuff like this and it’s the cutest thing –‘

‘I swear to god.’

Jaemin laughs and Jeno can’t look away from him. They’ve stopped dancing and Jaemin wraps his arms around Jeno’s waist to pull him closer.

‘I just have to make sure you know,’ he murmurs and Jeno blushes harder, hides his face in Jaemin’s shoulder. He’s so warm, his shape so familiar by now that they easily mould against each other.

‘I’m in love with you,’ Jeno blurts out. His heart trips over the words but they are nothing but the truth. Jeno suddenly feels like shouting it from the rooftops, like tattooing it on every inch of skin, feeling the words on the tip of his tongue. He’s young and he’s never felt like this before and he loves Na Jaemin, has for a while now.

Jaemin opens his mouth but doesn’t say anything at first. One of his hands wanders up to Jeno’s jaw. ‘What?’

‘I’m in love with you,’ Jeno repeats, bolder now. Jaemin makes him feel like that; courageous, invincible, like he could touch the sky if he wanted to. He’s finally brave enough to say it back, tell Jaemin, who’s always saying it to him. Who told him first six days into the relationship, discovering that Jeno still had problems articulating important truths when he couldn’t reply.

But he can do it now. Because Jaemin has been so patient with him and has shown Jeno how to trust himself. Because Jaemin is the best person he knows. ‘I love you.’

Then Jaemin smiles and Jeno’s running out of words to describe that smile because it’s too distinct, too brilliant. It lights up his whole face, scrunches up his eyes, sets Jeno on fire with this fierce happiness that only Jaemin ever manages to bring to the surface.

‘You already know,’ Jaemin says, ‘but I’m in love with you, too.’

Jaemin kisses him then, under a clouded night sky with stars in their chests, and it feels like there’s not a single thing in the world that Jeno could be afraid of. Jaemin takes all of them away.

It’s the start of summer now, the kind of weather that finally relieves people with allergies a little and makes everyone brighter, and Jeno learns that Jaemin loves being outside. It’s not like he didn’t know that before, but he didn’t know to what extent.

Jaemin comes over several times a week or picks Jeno up from training, dragging him along for adventures of different kinds. If Jeno thought Jaemin was energetic when it first snowed, he’s downright hyperactive now, climbing trees and racing Jeno on their bikes and taking him skating.

He gets excited about butterflies and his favourite ice cream parlour reopening for the season and he runs up the streets like he doesn’t know how to be tired. His skin gets tanner in no time at all, the bridge of his nose and the backs of his hands sunburnt and lovely, his grin even more blinding in contrast.

Sometimes it exhausts Jeno. He’s still an introvert and even though he thinks Jaemin is probably the only person he could hang out with forever, he still needs time alone. Sometimes Jaemin understands. He isn’t as extroverted as everyone thinks he is; actually, he might just be a really loud introvert who’s overcompensating. He gets so quiet occasionally that it’s hard to tell he’s even there.

Other times Jaemin pouts, gives Jeno puppy eyes until Jeno feels too guilty to let him go. They fight about it once, when they both need different things, and that makes Jeno so insecure, thinking maybe they are not compatible enough.

Jaemin is quick to diminish those doubts. Always makes sure Jeno knows that Jaemin loves him and will give him whatever he needs as long as he lets him know.

Most of the time Jeno is glad Jaemin takes him outside a lot, anyway. They meet up with their other friends often, just hanging out by the forest, eating snacks, or running into town with them for park shenanigans and ice cream.

They should enjoy it while they can, Jeno thinks, because this is the last summer before everything is going to change.

Jeno knows Jaemin can’t wait for it. Jaemin has dreams and ambitions and he wants to go out into the world to see everything imaginable.

Jeno doesn’t. Jeno is scared.

‘Stop moping, the sun’s shining,’ Jaemin scolds him. They are trailing after the others and the sun hangs low in the sky already, beams of orange warming their backs. These colours were made for Jaemin, Jeno thinks. All golden and soft and comforting, but also the colours of fire. Their shadows stretch in front of them, lanky and relaxed, connected where they’re holding hands.

A little ahead, Renjun is chasing Jisung with a long blade of grass that he uses like a whip and Jisung is screaming, trying to protect himself. It makes Jeno think of every single summer he’s spent with them already, wondering how many more he’ll get.

‘I’m not moping,’ he defends himself.

‘You’re overthinking something, though. What is it?’

‘Just – we’re graduating next year…’

Jaemin sighs quietly. They’ve talked about this before. Jaemin says the same thing every time, which is that Jeno is not going to lose any of them if he doesn’t want to, like it’s that easy. Jeno isn’t completely stupid; he knows they won’t all go to the same college, the same university. That’s when things will really change.

‘Next year,’ Jaemin emphasises now. ‘You can think about this when it matters. Right now we’re still in high school.’

‘I know.’

‘I’m worried, too, you know?’ Jaemin admits and that’s new. ‘About going to college or whatever. Because everything and everyone’s gonna be new and people won’t know me the way they do now and I’ll, like, have to do everything again. I never tried to be popular or anything but once you kinda are, it feels like that’s expected of you wherever you go.’ Jaemin laughs a little. ‘That sounds so pretentious, oh my god. What I’m saying is, next year none of this high school shit is going matter. Everyone’s going to grow up and if we go to uni we get a fresh start and I think that’s cool, even if it’s scary.’

Jeno has never considered the possibility that Jaemin might not have wanted all the attention he gets. Jaemin’s just being himself and the weird social construct of high school hierarchy decided that everyone should like him.

Jeno always thought it’s other popular people who dictate who’s cool and who isn’t but it’s not. It works in strange ways and Jeno thinks it’s probably the only complex system high school students are capable of following.

‘People will love you,’ Jeno replies. ‘They always do.’

‘I don’t care as long as I have you.’

Jaemin slants a look at him and Jeno laughs, pushing him a little. ‘Ugh, shut up.’

Jaemin pulls Jeno to a stop. The others don’t notice, just keep walking. Jaemin points at them. ‘Look at them. These are your best friends. You’ve known two of them for like a thousand years. You’re not going to lose this.’

Jeno can’t look at them, can’t look away from Jaemin. There’s a lump in his throat.

‘You don’t need to be scared,’ Jaemin says softly. ‘Not when we’re all still here.’

‘Sorry for being a killjoy,’ Jeno mutters and hugs Jaemin.

‘You’re just thoughtful,’ Jaemin replies. ‘Summers aren’t for thinking, though. Summers are for experiences and memories and all that good shit.’

 ‘Hey, love birds!’ Renjun calls and Jeno steps back with a laugh. Jaemin is grinning, too, and they both start running to catch up with the others, still holding hands.

It’s one of the last days before summer break, those in which not even the teachers try to do anything anymore and Jeno is not very motivated to go to school. It’s not like they learn anything; there’s breakfast for first period and then mostly movies and games for the rest.

So really, Jeno could skip, except then he wouldn’t get to hang out with his friends. And Jaemin.

Jaemin, who has a special handshake with the English teacher. Jaemin, who won the title ‘best smile’ yet again this year. Jaemin, whose endless affection for others somehow makes him immune to the hate that’s thrown his way ever since he came out.

Jeno isn’t immune. He doesn’t care all that much about what other people think about him, but it’s different when it’s about Jaemin. Jeno gets shit and he can deal with it mostly, but hearing what people say to Jaemin always manages to get under his skin.

So when Jeno walks into the hallway and finds Jaehyun standing in front of Jaemin in a quieter corner, the adrenaline rush going through him is predictable.

In the next heartbeat, though, Jaemin pulls his arm back and punches Jaehyun straight in the face.

Jeno is there in a flash, dragging Jaemin backwards by the shoulder with his heart thundering in his ears, away from Jaehyun who’s gingerly holding the side of his face. ‘Jaemin, what the –‘

Jaemin shrugs him off. Jeno is stunned; he’s never seen Jaemin like this, tense to a breaking point, made sharp by the kind of anger that had a lot of time to simmer.

‘Next time you say anything to me it should be an apology,’ Jaemin snaps at Jaehyun. ‘One that you mean.’

‘Did you just hit me?’ Jaehyun is glaring at him, his lip now swollen, even though he seems taken aback as well. Jeno is painfully aware of how much taller he is, how much stronger, and all he wants is to take Jaemin away from here before this escalates, protect him from whatever Jaehyun’s reaction will be.

‘Jaemin, what’s happening, can we go somewhere –‘ Jeno tries again, circling Jaemin’s wrist. Jaemin just twists out of his grip, throws his arm around Jeno’s shoulders and suddenly Jeno feels like he’s the one being protected.

With the way they are standing Jaemin seems so much taller, so much bigger and so much prouder than Jeno, even though it’s barely an inch of difference between them. It’s the way he’s carrying himself sometimes, when he’s putting his walls up. Jeno is incredibly impressed but he also wishes Jaemin didn’t have to do this.

Jaehyun shakes out his right hand, taking a step forward. ‘Oh, you’ll both be very sorry in a hot minute.’

Jeno tries to back away but Jaemin doesn’t budge, keeping them both rooted to the spot. Jeno doesn’t know if he should find that brave or stupid but it doesn’t really matter because right now he’s definitely scared.

‘I dare you, Jaehyun,’ Jaemin spits. ‘I dare you to hit any of us. Do you remember who I am? I’m the favourite around here and if I go to the principal, who do you think they’d believe? Me, nicest top student, or you, who never made it past vice-captain? You could say bye-bye to your fucking sports scholarship.’

Both Jeno and Jaehyun stare at Jaemin for a second. He looks cold, unapproachable, and it’s so strange to see him like this.

‘You’re a snake, Jaemin,’ Jaehyun grits out. ‘People think you’re that sweet, innocent guy but really you’re just a bitch in the form of a twink –‘

‘Careful.’ Jaemin’s voice is like ice. ‘It’s not me who blackmailed someone at high school.’

Jaehyun looks furious, face red and eyes glinting dark, but he doesn’t do anything.

Jaemin’s arm tightens, pressing Jeno further into his warm side, and the touch is as much of an I’m here as it is a hold me back. Jeno slides his arm around Jaemin’s waist in response.

It’s a miracle but Jaehyun looks at Jaemin one more time and then leaves without saying anything else.

Jeno grips Jaemin by the shoulders and pushes him against the wall.

‘Jaemin.’ He takes Jaemin’s right hand. It’s shaking in his hold. ‘Are you nuts?’

‘I was so angry, Jeno,’ Jaemin whispers. All the stress is bleeding out of him now, deflating him, and suddenly he looks tired. ‘I’ve been so angry for so long because of so many different things and he just – that was just too much. He doesn’t get to say anything about you.’

‘What did he say? What if you get in trouble?’

‘I won’t.’ When Jeno looks at him, he’s smiling a little, even though his eyes are still anything but calm. ‘Jaehyun’s a coward now and everyone here loves me.’

Jeno allows himself to relax a little, breathing out. He lifts Jaemin’s hand so that he can kiss the back of it, then pulls Jaemin close to hug him. ‘You’re crazy, you know that? I’m never trying to protect you again.’

Jaemin snorts. ‘You wanted to protect me?’

‘Jaehyun makes me angry, too. But don’t hit people, okay?’

‘You say that like you didn’t want to hit him, too.’

‘What did he even say to you?’

‘Nothing important. There was a half-assed sorry but then he just – said the wrong things.’

‘I don’t get it.’

‘Doesn’t matter. He’s graduating and we’ll never see him again, so who gives a shit?’

‘You’re crazy. I didn’t know you could be so mean, what the hell. That was – impressive.’

Jaemin doesn’t answer and pulls back a little to press his lips to Jeno’s temple.

It’s one of those moments again in which Jeno is overwhelmed by the sheer weight of his own feelings. It’s too much, so much that he doesn’t know how to deal with it. Sometimes it makes him feel like crying or screaming, but mostly it just makes him feel like his chest is going to explode while the rest of him is melting into a puddle of desperate fondness.

Jaemin smiles. ‘God, you love me.’

Jeno doesn’t have words right now, so he just kisses him. It’s less foreign now, less new, but never less exhilarating. It’s not something you can get used to, Jeno figures.

They are eventually interrupted by Jisung, who comes skidding around the corner and unceremoniously pushes them apart.

‘Did you really punch Jaehyun?’ he asks Jaemin breathlessly. ‘Bro, you get more legendary every day. How the hell did you end up with someone as lame as Jeno?’

Jeno reaches out to smack the back of Jisung’s head but Jaemin stops him, laughing before he pinches Jisung’s cheek.

Turns out Jaehyun did not dare to go to the principal and the incident turns into yet another wild rumour. By the very last day of school, the story has changed into a proper fist fight which Jaemin apparently won because he has a black belt (which he doesn’t have) and the occasional curious student comes over to look at the blooming bruises on his knuckles.

Jeno remains unbothered. They all get their report cards: Jaemin and Renjun top of their year, Jeno somewhere in the upper average, Jisung somewhere very average. As their usual tradition dictates, Renjun, Jisung and Jeno go to the nearest ice cream parlour after school to get the Friday special, except this time everyone else from their inner friend circle tags along.

Jeno doesn’t mind. Jaemin and Renjun sit on each side of him, discussing something Jeno didn’t pay attention to. Chenle is trying to convince Jisung to go to the public pool with him when Jisung only wants to play video games and Donghyuck and Mark are taking sides because apart from being disgusting, fighting is what they do best.

Jeno looks at all of them, a fond tightness in his chest. Right now he can’t find any of the anxiety or fear of loss he usually carries around in moments like this; he’s just content. Just happy.

Jisung suddenly narrows his eyes at him. ‘What is this?’

‘Huh?’

‘You have your I’m soft face on.’

‘What? I don’t.’

‘Oh, you can see your own face now?’

Chenle laughs and pushes his shoulder against Jisung’s. ‘Let the poor guy be happy. School’s out, everyone here has a boyfriend, I mean, except Renjun –‘

‘Yeah, go ahead, rub it in,’ Renjun snaps. ‘I don’t give a fuck. I like being my own person.’

‘You keep telling yourself that, sweetie,’ Donghyuck quips.

‘At least my happiness isn’t dependant on some other idiot,’ Renjun gives back.

Jaemin reaches around Jeno to grab both of Renjun’s hands. ‘One day you’ll find someone, too, I promise.’

Renjun looks downright murderous now and it makes Jeno laugh. ‘Once you let go of my hands I will choke you to death.’

Jaemin just smiles fondly and releases Renjun. The fact that Renjun doesn’t do anything but lean back with a huff gives Jeno the impression that even the toughest people out there have a  soft spot for Jaemin. Even someone like Renjun.

Jaemin is lying on his back on his bed, limbs stretched out and staring at the ceiling, when he tells Jeno. His room is messy, like he’d been frantically looking for something between the folded cardboard boxes and there’s the pitter-patter of rain against the window like a hundred curious fingers.

‘My parents are getting a divorce,’ he says.

‘Oh.’ Jeno sits down on the edge of the mattress, resting one hand on Jaemin’s thigh. He can feel the anxiety course through both of them. ‘How are you feeling?’

Jaemin closes his eyes. ‘It’s weird.’ Then he stops.

‘How so?’

‘I guess I knew this would happen. It’s logical, right? But somehow I’m still surprised.’

‘Maybe you were still hoping for them to get it together.’

Jaemin nods. ‘I guess.’

Silence again. The red numbers on Jaemin’s alarm clock blink and change. Jeno is trying to think of something to say but he’s never been good at words, or comfort. So he just says, ‘I’m sorry, Nana.’

‘I’m sorry, too. I’m – I’m probably moving out. With my dad, I mean. I’m staying with him.’

It feels like Jeno is thrown into ice cold water, the words travelling down his body like a shock. He looks at the folded boxes, the chaos, Jaemin’s expressionless face. ‘You – you’re moving away?’

Jaemin sits up suddenly, grabbing Jeno’s hand. ‘No! No, my dad works here, I’m still going to stay – fuck, sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.’

‘Shit,’ Jeno says, voice a little higher than usual. ‘I was about to start crying.’

Jaemin laughs weakly. ‘Yeah, well. That would have been the cherry on top.’

‘You always tell me change is a good thing,’ Jeno replies. ‘I know it’s not, like, good to have your parents divorced but I guess in the long run it’s going to be better for you. It sucks but it sucks the way it is right now, too, and in the end it’ll be fine.’

‘I guess you’re right.’

‘I’ll help you move if you want.’

‘Yeah, please. I own so much shit.’

Jeno snorts. ‘Rich people.’

‘You love it when I’m paying!’

‘Obviously. I’m a broke teenager, I live for free food.’

‘And all this time I believed it’s because you love me.’

Jeno grins and Jaemin finally smiles back. ‘Yeah, that, too.’

It’s too hot outside, even for Jaemin. He is waiting upstairs in Jeno’s room while Jeno gets iced tea from the kitchen, since it’s cool in there compared to everywhere else, and also Jaemin’s room looks like a disaster zone with all its half packed boxes.

Jeno kicks open the door. Jaemin’s on his bed, stretched out and idly scrolling through something on his phone. He’s not wearing a shirt.  

Jeno really shouldn't feel embarrassed seeing Jaemin shirtless. It’s not like he’s never seen him like this before.

It's just – things are different now. Jaemin is his boyfriend and that makes all the difference in the world. Jeno is allowed to have this, can reach out and kiss Jaemin whenever he wants, can touch him – except sometimes these things still seem very daunting.

So Jeno just says, ‘Put on a shirt, will you?’ and sits down on the edge of the bed.

 Jaemin looks up immediately, a smirk playing around the corner of his mouth. ‘Are you getting flustered? Damn.'

‘You’re the absolute worst.’

Jaemin gives him another teasing grin but he is, besides flirty, the most thoughtful person in the world once you let him be, so he smiles sweetly and picks one of Jeno’s shirts off the floor. Jeno watches his back muscles flex and flops down on the bed.

Jaemin joins him soon enough, now appropriately dressed and still amused. 'Did that really make you uncomfortable?'

Jeno sighs and lets Jaemin lace their fingers together. 'Not uncomfortable, it’s just. It's just that I think you're – really attractive and I don't want to make you, uh, feel weird. Oh god. This is embarrassing. I’m just gonna stop.'

Jeno glances up and that was a mistake because Jaemin immediately bursts into poorly suppressed laughter.

Jeno buries his face in his hands. ‘You’re such a dick sometimes.’

'Sorry,' Jaemin wheezes. 'You’re adorable, you know? But we don’t have to rush things.'

'Oh my god.'

Jaemin snickers and prods a finger into Jeno’s side. ‘What kind of thoughts were you even having? Jesus, Jeno, get your mind out of the g–‘

‘You’re terrible, you know that?’ Jeno accuses him but he has to laugh, so he pushes Jaemin away. When Jaemin bounces back, shoulders bumping, Jeno pushes him harder and Jaemin lets himself fall sideways on the mattress.

‘For the record, you’re really attractive, too,’ Jaemin tells him, folding his arms behind his head. ‘Honestly, that’s an understatement but I’m not gonna jump you, so we’re good.’

Jeno glances down at Jaemin, who looks back with his trusting eyes that feel like home now. ‘Can I kiss you?’

‘Wow, you changed your mind really fast –‘

Jeno doesn’t wait for Jaemin to finish the sentence, just grabs a pillow and slaps it into his face.

Like most of their play fights, this one escalates and is only abandoned after the pillowcase rips and sends a bunch of fuzz flying all over the room.

Jaemin stares at the flakes and feathers, stunned for only a second before he pulls Jeno back down on the bed. ‘Um. Oops? Let’s clean this later.’

They are both out of breath and Jeno can watch Jaemin’s chest rising and falling from where he’s resting his head on his shoulder. ‘Can I kiss you now?’

Jaemin looks like he’s about to make another remark that will send Jeno flailing, so he doesn’t wait, just leans up and kisses him. Jaemin doesn’t complain, one hand coming up to cup Jeno’s jaw.

It’s slow and unrushed but no less passionate. In the time they’ve been together they’ve been testing each other, figuring out their boundaries, learning which lines they weren’t ready to cross. It’s one of those days apparently and Jaemin seems to be feeling bold because suddenly he bites down on Jeno’s bottom lip without warning. A sound escapes Jeno’s throat that embarrasses him down to the bone, his grip on Jaemin’s shirt tightening involuntarily, and Jaemin laughs.

'You seem awfully mad that this shirt’s in the way now,’ Jaemin quips.

Jeno groans and pulls away a little. ‘You’re the bane of my existence, Na Jaemin.’

‘And you’re the light of mine. Now get back here.’

‘Fine.’

Jeno pushes himself up until he’s hovering over Jaemin and leans down again. It’s not all that slow and gentle anymore but Jeno doesn’t really care, not when this makes him feel lightheaded in the best possible way, body pressed against Jaemin’s.

It gives Jeno very stupid ideas. He kisses the corner of Jaemin’s mouth, moving over his cheek to the edge of his jaw. Jaemin is about to complain but then Jeno presses his lips to a spot right under it, sucking the salty skin between his teeth before flattening his tongue over it. Jaemin makes a surprised breathy noise, one hand coming up to bury it in Jeno’s nape, keeping him close, and it’s the best sound Jeno has ever heard.

He’s wanted to do this for ages. Jaemin’s long throat is a beautiful miracle in and of itself but he’s lacked the confidence to ask Jaemin for this. Now, though, when they are already pushing each other, it’s easier, so he does it again a little below the first spot, sucks longer, feels Jaemin’s rushed heartbeat right against his mouth. Jaemin cranes his neck and tightens his grip in Jeno’s hair so much Jeno can feel the scrape of his fingernails on his skin.

‘Fuck, Jeno,’ Jaemin whispers when Jeno finally pulls back.

Jeno laughs, a little bit proud of the glassy look in Jaemin’s eyes and the small red marks he’s left. He presses his finger against one and Jaemin squirms, making another soft sound.

Jeno suppresses a groan and pulls back. ‘Okay. We need to stop.’

‘Why do you always have to be so reasonable?’

Jeno doesn’t feel very reasonable right now, on the edge of throwing all self-control out the window because Jaemin’s cheeks are flushed and his lips swollen and he looks absolutely amazing like this.

But Jeno knows there are a lot of things none of them is ready for, even though Jaemin likes to pretend he is. So instead of pushing Jaemin down and kissing the living daylights out of him, Jeno reaches for the bottles of iced tea, handing one of them to Jaemin.

‘Well,’ Jaemin says, raising an unimpressed eyebrow. ‘That’s one way to quench the thirst.’

Their eyes meet for a split second before they burst and Jeno laughs so hard he almost falls off his bed.

Jeno would never tell Jaemin but he actually likes the new house more. He knows Jaemin doesn’t, knows he misses the huge space of the living room and the tidy garden and sometimes the presence of his mother, but Jeno thinks this seems a lot more like a home. It’s smaller, more comfortable. The backyard is overgrown and has a little pond with frogs in it (those Jaemin likes) and the sun streams into Jaemin’s room in the mornings. The rooms are still cluttered, boxes everywhere, plastic-wrapped misplaced furniture, but it’s a friendly, new space. No memories, no baggage. Jaemin won’t admit it but it’s what he needs.

Jeno stays the first night after the move. Jaemin had seemed detached all day, ignoring his mother’s attempt to say goodbye, trailing after his father to the loaded truck. They had started unpacking but then they had found a box full of old photos and they’d ended up going through it. It’s like walking through a childhood that isn’t his, watching Jaemin get lost in his own memories, and it’s as wonderful as it is poignant.

‘This was my first dance team,’ Jaemin says softly. The picture he’s holding shows a group of six kids, none of them older than ten. Jaemin’s grin is the same, just as toothy as it is now. ‘None of us could actually dance but that didn’t stop us.’

‘And look where it got you,’ Jeno replies.

Jaemin smiles but it fades quickly. ‘I was thinking, maybe you could come to practice with me. If you want.’

‘To dance?’

‘Yes, stupid. You could join the team now that soccer and school aren’t stealing you away.’

‘I don’t know if I’m good enough…’

Jaemin stares at him incredulously and it makes Jeno laugh. ‘Have you seen yourself? Of course you’re good enough.’

‘Oh.’

‘Just come to practice and see how it goes,’ Jaemin pleads, putting the photo on the pile of things he wants to keep. ‘I think you’d be amazing.’

So Jeno does. It makes him shy to dance in front of the others, knowing he’s being judged, but every single member is welcoming and Taeyong even hugs him, telling him to come back.

Jeno isn’t sure if he should but then he sees the way Jaemin’s looking at him and that’s really all it takes.

‘How’s it going with Jaemin?’ Renjun asks. It’s one of those agreed Bros Only days where Renjun drags Jeno away from Jaemin which, admittedly, had been a little hard the first few weeks. But Jeno keeps his promises and Renjun is content with it, rubbing it in Jaemin’s face that Jaemin will never be Jeno’s favourite friend.

Jeno lets him. It’s true – Jaemin is something else than a friend, something more, but he hasn’t been around as long as Renjun has. Hasn’t been around to grow up with Jeno like Renjun did. Renjun will always be his best friend, will always be family; it’s one of the only things Jeno doesn’t doubt.

‘Are you sure you want to hear about this stuff?’ Jeno asks back.

Renjun shrugs. ‘I’m just making sure you’re happy. Even though I know you are. He’s good for you.’

Jeno looks down at the concrete of the skating ramp on which they are sitting, feeling a little bashful. ‘You think so?’

‘You’re a lot more… certain with everything you do, I guess. Less angsty. And you’re good for him, too. He doesn’t act as much anymore.’

‘He just makes it so easy,’ Jeno replies. ‘When he says it’s okay I actually believe it, you know?’

Renjun laughs. ‘God, you’re so fucking whipped.’

Jeno laughs, too, and side-eyes him. Renjun notices and immediately turns defensive.

‘You know, Jaemin knows a lot of people…’ Jeno starts carefully. ‘I’m sure he could find out who finds you cute and –‘

‘No,’ Renjun interrupts, horrified. ‘No. I don’t need Jaemin and you to play matchmaker. God knows what a disaster that would be.’

‘I’m pretty sure Yukhei would go on a date with you, though. If someone were to ask him, that is.’

Renjun narrows his eyes at him. ‘Nah. Yukhei is so… much. He could circle my entire thigh with one hand, I swear. What am I supposed to do with that guy?’

‘I don’t know, date him?’

Jeno is too busy laughing to escape the elbow that connects with his ribs and Jisung finds them like this, Jeno wheezing from laughter and pain while Renjun keeps him in a chokehold, hissing empty threats into his ear.

One afternoon, Jaemin shows up at Jeno’s door, dressed in jeans that are more holes than fabric and a thin yellow shirt. There’s a backpack slung over his shoulder, too.

‘S’up, babe,’ he says. ‘Wanna go somewhere with me?’

The fact that Jaemin’s asking instead of just dragging Jeno outside demands immediate suspicion. Jeno crosses his arms. ‘Depends on where. I should be doing chores.’

‘Look me in the eye and tell me you were doing chores just now,’ Jaemin demands. When Jeno presses his lips together, he laughs. ‘See?’

‘Where would we even go?’

Jaemin shrugs. ‘Somewhere. Bring your transport card.’

It’s tempting. There is a ton of laundry in the living room waiting to be folded and put away but today is just the right kind of sunny without it being too hot. Also it’s Jaemin asking and it’s always hard to say no to him, even when Jeno knows better.

‘Come on, let me be your delinquent boyfriend who takes you on adventures,’ Jaemin whines.

‘Fine. If my mum gets mad I’m blaming you,’ Jeno says and Jaemin beams. ‘Let me get changed.’

Jaemin takes him to the outskirts of the city to a wildlife park.

‘You’re so lame,’ Jeno laughs. ‘The lamest. Delinquent my ass, you’re the cheesiest idiot ever, I thought we’d break into a building to get to the rooftop or something.’

‘Oh, shut up,’ Jaemin waves off. ‘You love this and you know it. Also they have horses and I know you like those.’

‘And I know you’re scared of them, you wannabe thug.’

‘Damn, what’s with the sass today? Do I have to remind you that I paid?’

They tease each other a bit more, pushing and prodding, and then feed the horses treats that they bought at the entrance. Jeno shows Jaemin how to hold his hand to avoid getting bitten and Jaemin makes a disgusted face, trying to wipe the slobber off on Jeno.

They get ice cream to share, sitting down on a bench in the shadows of the trees. There are lots of families here, kids running around, mums talking, dads pretending to pay attention. It’s a lovely place for happy memories, Jeno thinks. Simple stuff, like the refreshing scent of countryside air, a casual touch under the table, someone’s smile that’s there only for you.

‘I actually have something to tell you,’ Jaemin starts and the tone of his voice makes Jeno perk up immediately.

‘What is it?’ he asks.

‘Um. I’m visiting mum tomorrow and I’m going to tell her that – I’m going to come out.’

Jeno stares at him for a few seconds. ‘I thought you didn’t want her to know.’

‘She can’t do anything now that I don’t live with her anymore,’ Jaemin says quietly. ‘And I’m tired of pretending around her. This is really important to me, you know? You’re really important. I want to tell her that I have a boyfriend if you’re cool with that. If she’s gonna hate me for it, then so be it. But I’m done.’

‘Holy shit. Are you sure? Do you want me to come?’

Jaemin shakes his head. ‘No. But can we hang out after?’

‘Yeah, sure.’

Jaemin smiles and licks his spoon clean, momentarily distracting Jeno. ‘You’re the best.’

Jeno is on edge all day. All he can think about is Jaemin sitting in front of a mother that hit him when he was thirteen, just because he was sick of his parents’ perpetual fights.

Since Jeno decided not to get a summer job, his mum makes him help around the house because he has ‘so much time now’, but even she realises Jeno is completely out of it today.

‘What is it?’ she asks after taking the cup Jeno’s been washing for ten minutes. ‘Has Jaemin run off with Renjun again?’

Jeno shakes his head. ‘He’s coming over soon.’

‘Why aren’t you bouncing all over the place then? Did you fight?’

‘No, he’s – talking to his mother. About things.’

Jeno’s mum falls silent for a moment and Jeno looks up her.

‘Tell him if he wants an adult’s opinion or just a hug, he can come to me.’

Jeno is momentarily overcome by a wave of affection for his mum. He’s taken it for granted for so long but she really tries her best, has always made an effort to stay close to Jeno even when he was being a brat. She’s still always there for him, no matter how annoying either of them is and, knowing other families, it’s something to be grateful for. Looking at her, the fine lines around her eyes, her callous hands, it all hits Jeno straight in the chest but he doesn’t know how to say it out loud.

So he hugs her. It’s something he’s picked up from and because of Jaemin; showing his affection through touch. It’s not always easy but it’s easier than words, anyway.

‘Oh baby,’ she mumbles, folding her arms around Jeno. She’s shorter than Jeno and yet so much stronger. ‘Don’t worry too much. He’ll be okay. He has you now.’

Jeno feels like he’s going to cry, so he lets her go. ‘Just – thank you.’

They look at each other again and Jeno thinks she understands.

She pushes him out of the kitchen gently, smiling. ‘Go ahead.’

Jaemin doesn’t cry and doesn’t look like he has when he arrives but Jeno can tell that he’s hurting. That he wasn’t ready for whatever it was his mother’s said to him. He keeps his expression neutral but he hugs Jeno so tightly that it nearly breaks his ribs and he doesn’t let go for a long time.

‘Can we go somewhere?’ he asks when he lets go of Jeno.

‘Sure.’ Jeno leans forward to press a quick kiss to his mouth, then collects his keys and slips into his shoes.

They go to the little forest because none of them is in the mood to go very far. It’s fine, though, because Jeno knows Jaemin loves it here and in the summer it’s full of life, all green and vibrant, even when there are a lot of bugs.

They sit down on a cut-off tree trunk, huddled close together. In some ways it feels like the day they came here for the first time because once again Jaemin is about to tell Jeno something that may or may not be terrible.

But Jaemin doesn’t say anything. He just sits there and looks at their intertwined fingers, running his thumb over Jeno’s skin like he’s the one who needs comfort.

‘It didn’t go well, did it?’ Jeno asks carefully.

Jaemin shakes his head. ‘It was fine at first. We were just talking about normal stuff. And then she asked about how things are going with dad and I said it’s fine and she told me it’s a little easier to talk to him now that they don’t live together anymore. But it was so awkward.’ Jaemin laughs a little and stops. Jeno squeezes his hand.

‘Anyways,’ Jaemin continues. He seems a little more confident now and sits up straighter. ‘She was asking about my friends and I told her that I sort of lost some of them and she was like, what happened? And I said it’s because I have a boyfriend. And then she didn’t say anything for a while.’

It’s strange to listen to Jaemin because he tells it like it happened to someone else. Like he’s already detached from it somehow, even though it’s only been hours.

‘What happened then?’ Jeno asks.

‘She laughed. It made me think of what happened to you with Hyuck and it’s – not nice. So I told her I wasn’t joking and that I’ve been dating someone for a while now and that I’m happy. And then I told her that I know she’s not cool with that and that I don’t care because I’ll always be her son and anyways, I’m not living with her anymore and I’ll do what I want and she’s not gonna stop me from living my life. But she – Jeno. She almost slapped me. I couldn’t move, I was so scared, but then she didn’t. I think she was scared, too, and we just kind of sat there staring at each other. And then I just left.’

Jeno swallows. Jaemin glances back at him and he looks so normal, like he’s just told Jeno he went to the garden centre today or something. Jeno knows now that it’s just a brittle surface, just Jaemin pretending nothing happened because that’s what he’s done for years.

‘Do you – do you want to talk to my mum? Fuck, I mean – how are you feeling?’

Jaemin shrugs, the picture of fake nonchalance. ‘Like shit, but I expected it, so… I’m okay, really. Because I finally got that over with. One less thing to worry about.’

‘You don’t have to hide things from me.’ Jeno squeezes his hand and Jaemin sighs.

‘But I hate it. I hate that you always have to be the one comforting me, that it’s always me who comes crying and before you say anything, I know you don’t mind. And I’m so grateful for that. But I still hate it and I don’t want it to happen anymore.’

Jeno thinks about how much Jaemin has been put through in the past few months. Enduring the fights at home, almost being outed, coming out himself, his parents divorcing, moving out of the house he’s lived in for almost his entire life. Now this.

‘It’s not like you cry about little things,’ Jeno says, nudging him in the side. ‘These are actually life-changing events for you. Other people only have one of those problems and aren’t as strong as you are.’

Jaemin huffs. ‘I’m not strong.’

‘You’re the strongest person I know.’

‘You know Renjun, though.’

‘Renjun might be badass but he’s not you. You’re the strongest, bravest, most wonderful person I know and I – I love you and want you to be okay. But I – you have to stop pushing things away.’

‘Jeno –‘

‘Remember what you said to me at the very beginning? Let yourself feel things,’ Jeno tells him and Jaemin looks up for long enough that Jeno can see every barricade start to crumble.

‘I am feeling things,’ Jaemin defends. ‘I’m pissed and sad and disappointed but I’m not going to cry.’

‘I never said you should. I just said –‘

‘I know. I know what you said. But this sucks and I knew it would but I’m so – on days like this I wish I could stop feeling things altogether. Just stop caring because everyone else doesn’t, either.’

Jeno exhales, tries not to be hurt. Jaemin doesn’t mean him, not like that, he’s just angry. That’s all it is and it’s okay, he has every right to lash out.

‘Maybe – do you want to break something?’

Jaemin snaps his head up so fast Jeno almost flinches. ‘I’m not my mother.’

‘Oh, I’m sorry –‘

‘Stop apologising.’

‘Nana –‘

Jaemin gets up, throwing his hands up. He doesn’t look at Jeno, just starts pacing the forest floor, dried leaves crunching under his shoes. His shoulders are a line of tension and Jeno is afraid to unravel it, afraid to touch him or say anything except that might be wrong as well. He doesn’t know what to do. He wishes they’d stayed at the house, a safe and familiar confinement. His mother would know what to say.

‘Do you want to be alone?’ Jeno asks meekly.

Jaemin stops and turns back to look at him. In the entire time Jeno has known him, Jaemin hasn’t ever seemed this small, this torn up. Something in his eyes makes him look so helpless, so lost, and it breaks Jeno’s heart. Jaemin doesn’t deserve any of this pain. It shouldn’t have happened to him, not to Jaemin who is the kindest soul on this miserable earth.

His bottom lip wobbles and Jeno doesn’t get up fast enough.

‘Jeno, she doesn’t love me anymore,’ Jaemin whispers. He curls up into himself under Jeno’s touch, hugging his knees to his chest, and cries.

Jaemin gets over it pretty fast, as always. Or at least he seems to. Jeno is slightly suspicious but Jaemin also doesn’t seem ready to talk about it again, so he drops the topic.

And Jaemin really does look happy. It’s Jeno’s favourite thing in the world, which is why he does stupid things like buy Jaemin little presents just to see his smile, takes him to scary rollercoaster rides he’d never go to on his own and tags along to play laser-tag with the dance crew even though it intimidates him. There are a lot of moments when Jeno wonders if he would do these things for anyone else and finds that no, he wouldn’t.

He certainly wouldn’t be lying in a field in the middle of the night, wrapped in a sleeping bag and vulnerable to insects, for just anyone. But there’s a meteor shower tonight which his dad had mentioned in passing and Jeno couldn’t help himself. It’s so cliché but it’s a nice one, one that Jaemin would like.

So he’d told Jaemin who’d just smiled, so now here they are.

Jaemin swats at his arm for the fifth time in the past minute. ‘You didn’t consider the mosquitoes, did you?’

‘No,’ Jeno admits. ‘But since we’re going camping soon we should probably get used to bugs.’

‘Oh god. I didn’t think of that. How am I, a city man, supposed to survive in the wild? What if there’s a spider in the caravan –‘

‘Renjun would save us.’

Jaemin rolls over, pushing against Jeno with a teasing smile. ‘You were supposed to say you’ll protect me.’

‘You punched Jaehyun in the face, you don’t need my protection.’ Jeno laughs and frees one hand from his sleeping bag to wrap it around Jaemin. He’s about to kiss him but then Jaemin looks up at the sky, his mouth falling open with a soft ‘oh’.

Jeno looks up, too, catching a shooting star burning out so fast, then glances back at Jaemin.

All Jeno ever wants to do is look at Jaemin.

People say relationships are give and take. Jeno thinks it’s actually more like give and receive. He never feels like Jaemin takes anything away from him, just gives and gives and Jeno is always willing to return more. He figures that’s what love is. Giving each other your everything.

And it’s so easy with Jaemin. Being in love with him is easy. It was always everything else that was hard but it doesn’t mean anything anymore because now Jeno has this: Jaemin’s smile in the dark, right before he kisses him. A warm body to hug whenever he wants. Someone who knows all his moods, all his insecurities and faults, someone who loves him despite all those flaws.

Jaemin is known and familiar to Jeno now, but there are parts of him that are unpredictable, parts that are new. He has so many different facets that Jeno isn’t sure if he’ll ever know them all but that’s okay. Jaemin started as an enigma and it’s just another of the endless characteristics Jeno appreciates about him.

It’s easy to be loved, too. It made Jeno shy at first but now it’s welcome, almost needed. Jaemin likes to smother him in affection but Jeno allows it simply because it’s Jaemin and no one else and Jeno can never say no to anything Jaemin wants.

Being with him puts him at ease. Being with him is what he’s wanted for so long. Jeno still feels a little undeserving that he gets to call Jaemin his, gets to be Jaemin’s, but he figures he’s just the luckiest person out there.

‘You’re not even looking at the meteors,’ Jaemin remarks.

‘Maybe that’s what I wanted all along,’ Jeno says. ‘Look at you while you are looking at the stars.’

Jaemin rolls his eyes. ‘You’re missing out.’

‘Am I?’

Jaemin gives him another look and shifts to his side, facing Jeno. ‘Okay. Tell me. What’s on your mind?’

It’s harder to say these things when Jaemin’s staring him in the face. ‘Just you.’

‘Ew, cheesy. Why did you take me here when you don’t care about the stars?’

‘I knew you’d like them.’

‘I mean, they’re beautiful. Just a little lacklustre in comparison to you.’

‘Ugh, you’re just as cheesy.’

Jaemin giggles. ‘We should do more things we both enjoy, though.’

‘Like what?’

Jaemin’s eyes glint in the moonlight. He’s so beautiful like this, hair messy and his expression so unprotected, like he’d let Jeno see every secret he has. ‘Like this, perhaps.’

Then he leans closer and kisses Jeno, careful and gentle, a kiss that says I love you more clearly than words ever could.

Jeno doesn’t need any shooting stars to wish on when he’s already got this.

♡ ♡ ♡

Jeno knows Na Jaemin, of course he does.

He’s the most popular kid at school after all, the one who knows everyone’s name without ever having to ask for it. He’s the favourite student of almost every teacher, the one who smiles brightly at everyone in the hallways, the one who stays behind in the classroom to help with papers. People beg to go to his Halloween parties and they call him a legend ever since the Pride Flag Incident.

So of course Jeno knows Na Jaemin.

He knows that he likes strawberries and fast food and drinks more coffee than is healthy. He knows that he’s a decent cook and that he dances like he was born to do it but that he wants to do something with his life that helps people. He knows that Jaemin enjoys parties because he loves everyone, even those he doesn’t really know, because Na Jaemin has a heart the size of the moon.

He knows that Jaemin is worried sometimes, worried about many things, but he also knows Jaemin doesn’t like talking about it much because he’d rather be smiling about something, always the positive force. He knows Jaemin is kind and brave and sincere despite those fears, will always try harder and push on and grow.

Jeno knows Jaemin loves the sun like a long lost sister and enjoys doing outdoor stuff a little too much. He wants to learn how to skate properly this summer and will undoubtedly rope Jeno into learning it, too, and Jeno won’t mind because that way they get to spend even more time with each other. He knows Jaemin will pick it up way faster than him, a master at balance, and he knows Jaemin will patiently walk him through it anyway.

A year ago, Jeno didn’t even think of knowing all these things. He knew Na Jaemin the way most people did: through rumours and gossip, from the occasional unavoidable interaction, the kind of thing everyone knows about anyone because that’s just how high school works.

Jeno never thought he’d want to know him. Jaemin was just another popular guy back then, just a well-known pretty face in the crowd, standing out only because of the stories attached to his name.

But now Jeno knows him, knows there’s so much more to him than those stories. He knows Jaemin inside out but learns new things about him every day. He knows he’s so fond of Jaemin that sometimes he aches with it. Knows he never wants to miss him again. Knows Jaemin feels the same.

They’ve come a long way, the two of them.

Jeno still remembers how intimidated he was when he stood in front of Jaemin’s house for the first time. How he wished he wasn’t standing there alone. Remembers how that intimidation turned into admiration so quickly, and then into affection when he gradually discovered what Jaemin was actually like. He remembers how scared he was when he realised he liked Jaemin, never having felt like that before. Never having felt it for a boy.

But it was Na Jaemin, so it turned out alright. More than alright.

Jaemin went through a lot, too. He’d opened up to Jeno when everyone thought he was already open, but there are so many layers of him, so many thin levels of hidden fears and worries that you won’t see them if Jaemin doesn’t let you. Jaemin let Jeno peel off every single one and he’s so, so beautiful underneath.

Na Jaemin is Jeno’s first love. His first kiss, first boyfriend, first everything. Right now Jeno wouldn’t mind if he was his last everything, too, but he’s young and they have so much time. The whole summer for now and, if they want to, the rest of their lives.

Jeno doesn’t think he’ll ever get tired of Jaemin, of his smile that outshines the sun any day, of how his fingers fill the spaces between Jeno’s. Of the way he makes Jeno feel so weightless and at ease, like Jeno had been on edge before Jaemin came into his life and made everything three shades brighter.

He’s aware he’s being sappy. But he’s standing in the threshold of his house and the sunshine is warm and in about ten minutes they are going on a camping trip, all of them – with Renjun, Jisung and their other friends. They are standing by the cars already, rowdy and excited, waiting for Jeno to put his things in the trunk.

Jeno lets himself have that moment, anyway. Soon it will be Jaemin’s birthday and there are so many things to look forward to that he doesn’t know how to hold the anticipation. There’s so much out there, so many things he’s not even aware of yet. Jaemin is always telling him he wants to live his life out loud, wants to see as much of the world as he can and try absolutely everything and Jeno never thought that he might want that, too. He’s always liked the quiet, the safe, the predictable.

But Jaemin is like the spring wind, fresh and new and changing, always changing. They are going to grow up. They are going to find new paths.

They are going to do it together.

For that Jeno is most grateful: Jaemin’s unyielding presence next to him, now so familiar, teaching him how to be sure of himself.

Jaemin bumps into Jeno’s shoulder with shining eyes, standing in the doorway. Their friends are making a ruckus with how loud they are laughing, getting impatient.  ‘Ready to go? Got everything?’

Jeno isn’t sure if he is but he trusts Jaemin. Things are about to change. The air smells clean and promising and there’s a new summer ahead, new memories, new experiences. It’s daunting and lovely and for the first time Jeno can’t wait for it because Na Jaemin is showing him that they can always be braver than they already are.

‘Ready,’ Jeno says.

Next to him Jaemin smiles and pulls him forward, out into the sun.