curiosity killed the cat

Surprisingly, it was Ichimatsu who was the first to notice the crumpled up newspaper in the waste bin. 

It wasn't out of place from the rest of their surroundings, but Ichimatsu saw it amongst the brash shouts and cries of his drunken brothers and was drawn to it. He means, who reads the newspaper nowadays?

He figures it was just some old news segment his parents had forgotten or a job ad Choromatsu had finally gotten rid of. However, he couldn't stop staring despite his better judgment. His full attention was in the single magazine trashed in the corner of the room in pure curiosity. Something about it seemed out of place in their misshapen home. It felt wrong.

To think about it, everything about today felt wrong. Everything from the air that wavers through the room, to even Osomatsu's cheerful announcement to get drinks. The discomfort looms in his head, creeping up on his dry throat for his undivided attention. He found that he couldn't get down his beer from its hauntings. 

It was wrong how everyone turned a blind eye to his obvious discomfort, how they drowned their worries with alcohol and oden. Those shitheads noticed, they couldn't have not noticed how vacant the eldest's eyes were as he cheered for beer, how their calendar was suddenly missing from the kitchen, how loud the television was from its static constantly buzzing buzzing buzzing until it rotted in his head because Osomatsu wouldn't stop staring at the empty channels. He couldn't have been the only one who had walked in on Osomatsu sobbing with the same newspaper crumbled in jittery hands. He couldn't have.

...Or maybe he was worried for the first-born, but stubborn pride wouldn't let him admit that.

All at once, Osomatsu had pulled him in a side hug, messily ruffling his hair. The scent of beer and home and familiarity attacked his senses instantly.

"Let's play, little bro!" The eldest slurred excitedly. Ah, this was normal...

Ichi turns to look at him, quickly noting his heavy eyebags and forced grin. That... wasn't.

The fourth youngest stared at him, wondering what happened that fucked up Osomatsu that bad. Why wouldn't he tell them if it was fucking him up that bad?

Are we that incompetent as brothers, Osomatsu-niisan?

"Ichimachan~?" Osomatsu pesters, his glazed-over eyes still managing to gaze at him worriedly. "You okay?"

Ichimatsu felt his cheeks flush at being caught off guard, averting his half-lidded eyes. He wordlessly undoes Osomatsu's arm from his shoulder and pulls him upstairs.

"You're going to sleep," he deadpans, dragging the heavy load that is his older brother along. The eldest groans, whining that he isn't tired. Liar.

The fourth born bites back the retort. He isn't any better.

He sneaks out of their bedroom the moment everyone was asleep, seizing the newspaper and flips through the headlines. He finds a familiar name and rolls it around and around until it finally hits him.

Tougou to be released from jail in the upcoming months.

Tougou.

Ichimatsu swallows hard as discomfort finally gets a hold of his throat, the paper below him crinkling once more.

Choromatsu doesn't know what he expected from a 'talk' with his immediate younger brother when he gets a paper wordlessly shoved in his face. He attempts to push it away in vain.

"Ichimatsu," he sighs, holding his heavy head in his palms. "What part of I'm hungover don't you understand?"

"Get a painkiller," was the fourth brother's blank response, continuing to push the paper to his face. "Besides, this is important. Osomatsu-niisan has been weird lately." 

"Osomatsu's fine."

"Osomatsu's fucking depressed, Choromatsu."

Choromatsu snorts, giving the fourth born a questioning look. "Ha! Osomatsu-niisan, depressed? Have you seen the guy? He practically annoys us while stealing our money for a living!"

"I know Osomatsu's an asshole, but he isn't emotionless." Ichimatsu pushes the paper to his face a final time, black and white headlines filling his view. "Read it."

"He's fine, Ichimatsu," he protests despite snatching the paper from his hands anyway. Brief satisfaction shone on the younger's face. "We're brothers, he would've told us something."

"I doubt it."

Choromatsu glanced at him, his brows slowly burrowing in offense. "What?"

Ichi's stoic stare stayed, almost piercing the third born in its ferocity. "I doubt it. I mean, have you seen Osomatsu-niisan anything other than happy?"

Choro quickly finds himself without any retorts.

"That man has a huge big brother complex. He wouldn't be caught dead expressing any other emotion to us. He's the type to suffer quietly to please our ungrateful asses and I know you know that because this same thing happened time and time again. Remember when Dad fainted at work?"

The third-born sharply inhales at the mention. Ah, that was more of the... graver time of their lives.

Osomatsu acted weird during that time. Granted, they all acted off. The scare from their father was the most terrifying thing they ever experienced in their lives. Their older brother's suggestion to get jobs to support their family was weird, but it got overlooked by its necessity. 

It continued. He remembers in the odd times he actually got to see the eldest that his usual charisma dipped. His smile dropped when he thought nobody was looking. His eyes were searching for something, something he still wasn't sure of years later. 

He guessed before that he didn't like having a job. The eldest was prone to laziness and irresponsibility, working a job suddenly was sure to bitter him. Besides, he had better things to do than fret over Osomatsu. He could handle himself, right?

After more and more days of work, it continued. After Dad recovered and came back, it continued. After the whole fiasco of dying and going to hell, it continued. He felt that something in Osomatsu was missing, that the fuel that kept Osomatsu himself ran empty the moment they received that phone call that day. And it was extremely infuriating that nobody bothered to bat an eye towards it. 

He'd tried to talk with him about it. He'd tried, again and again, to let him know that he cared for him and that it was fine for the accident to still affect him and that he will genuinely listen to whatever was still haunting him. But the elder pushed him out, opting to deflect every point he made and annoy him until he stopped trying. And he would never say this out loud, but it hurt being pushed away by his best friend. 

Eventually, the light in Osomatsu's eyes did return. Eventually, his laughs did get lighter and his smiles did get gentler. But Choromatsu never has forgotten that pain. Even now, he never has forgotten that pain. 

...And maybe, just maybe, he did notice something this time around, but didn't mention it from the fear of getting hurt again; from the fear of watching Osomatsu hurt himself again.

"Osomatsu is an idiot," Ichimatsu continued. "He won't tell us what's wrong with him by himself. That's why we have to force it out of him instead. We can't sit by anymore and become sitting ducks until he ceremoniously explodes. So stop being a fucking prick and help me."

The room fell to silence as Choromatsu reflected on the sudden desperation Ichi had in his voice. It had that vulnerability the fourth born often avoided like the plague, and judging how his strong stare broke, he meant it. 

He sighed briefly, regretting how he doubted Ichimatsu beforehand. 

"Where do you want me to look?"

This time Ichi visibly brightens, not bothering to shield his relief.

It only took a few lines of reading before his heart sank. Ichi's stare was just shy of I've told you so.

"...Tougou?"

Wasn't he that lodger that got arrested trying to rob them? Osomatsu ended up finding out first and...

"He's coming back in October," the fourth born fills in. "Don't tell me you don't know who he is."

"I do. It's just... Damn... I thought he had a much longer sentence."

"That was what everyone thought, apparently."

He would be lying if he said he had thought about Tougou in years. He doesn't remember much of the guy himself, but he does remember Osomatsu's stories of him when he'd still bothered to tell them. That bastard had basically traumatized  him, as a child, just to steal some cash..! The thought still brings an immeasurable amount of anger in him. 

Osomatsu's terrified screams from those recurring nightmares were something I could never forget, no matter how many years it's been.

"Why are you telling me this?" The elder questions, biting back a growl as he finishes reading the article. "You know as much as me, don't you?"

"I was hoping you knew more, but whatever. It's unimportant-"

"Ichimatsu."

"-to what you're going to do anyway. You see, I called you here because you're going to talk with him."

Choromatsu blinks, thinking Ichimatsu was blatantly stating the obvious before it hits him. He recoils, his voice rising in panic.

"By myself?!"

"You're closer to him, aren't you?!"

"That doesn't mean you can't talk to him yourself!"

He coughs, masking his steadily growing anxiety. There's no need to fight now, especially since they both wanted to help the eldest. But the idea of approaching Osomatsu with the possibility of getting hurt again grew dread in him. He doesn't want to say he's hopeless, he believes he'll reach out for help someday, but...

"I'm sorry but I can't," he chuckles bitterly. He averts his eyes away from the fourth born. "With serious matters like this, he'll just push me away. I can't get through to him despite how much I try, and I think being his 'best friend' is part of the problem. Maybe he'll listen to you, you're..."

God, you're...

Much stronger, more headstrong, and way more confident than me.

I'm just not that strong enough to face him again. I'm sorry that your big brother is so afraid of nothing but...

He'll listen to you, Ichimatsu. You're not a pussy like us. You're not afraid to stand up for what you believe in. You're better than half of us in that regard. You're just a better human being in general...

...Is was what he wanted to say, but his throat closed up and only silence passed between them. 

"I can't talk to him either," the younger slowly admits after a while. "I mean, have you looked at me? I'm just as fucked up. He would call me a hypocrite..."

Ah, I forgot Ichi was just as insecure as me.

He gathers enough courage to look up and finds Ichi's face was conflicted. Both uneasy and troubled, but still determined for answers. He wasn't giving up on him.

"There must be some other way we can help... Oi! Stop staring in the distance and think of something!"

Turning a blind eye and avoiding the problem was easier for a while, but he realizes now the time to speak up about his older brother. God knows the eldest won’t speak up himself. Ichi’s passion gave him so much needed determination, he couldn’t help but try and keep going himself. 

"We can't ask the younger two, he'll ignore them just as much."

"So that leaves..."

A beat. The two looked at each other, a solution dawning on them. 

“...Do we have to?”

“What choice do we have?”

The decision was settled the moment the point was made. 

It doesn't take much to have Karamatsu's interest piqued, so when he hears two of his younger brothers arguing from the roof he sets down his guitar and prepares to extinguish the heated feud. Unfortunately, life had other plans. 

"Bruz-"

"We're not ready for you yet!"

Karamatsu blinks, certainly not expecting the outburst from both of his siblings. And certainly not from his dear brothers Choromatsu and Ichimatsu, who rarely interact with each other without everyone else. Being the two most awkward brothers, he's happy with whatever has let them bond again. 

"Nevermind that," Choromatsu starts, noticing Kara's confused expression. "We wanted to talk to you actually... You just caught us off guard beforehand."

Oh? Two of his brothers, who had difficulties talking to each other, also wanted to talk to him? Ah, what a splendid day!

Ichimatsu recoils in distaste and shock, assumedly from how elated Karamatsu looks. He didn't mean to outwardly show his excitement, especially to the extent that it physically pained the fourth born, but how was he supposed to contain these tender feelings of happiness? They were like fireworks in the night, blossoming-

"Why do you look so happy?!" The fourth born growls. "This is something serious, Shittymatsu!"

"I have to agree with him, this is serious. We kinda really need your help, Karamatsu-niisan."

Oh, it's a serious discussion then? Those rarely happen here, even the more 'serious' talks ended up as jokes and playful teasing. But judging by Choromatsu's and Ichimatsu's grave looks, whatever issue has been bothering them for way too long. Kara hated to see his brothers in pain, so he'll try his best to support his brothers through this hard predicament! They turned to him for help, after all.

"I'll try to help ease whatever issue is plaguing your minds, dear brothers." Kara asserts sincerity, but the two only frowned and looked at each other. 

"This problem isn't about us."

"It's about Osomatsu-niisan."

...Aniki?

He had noticed Osomatsu acting strangely for some time, but he never expected the others to mention it. Hell, he assumed he would've forced the others to do something about it, but here are these two, determined to bring change before he'd done anything. It almost brings a smile to his face. 

They moved back to the roof when Ichimatsu showed him the article. A wave of indescribable anger fills him when he reads it.

"You should've just told me you guys wanted to plan to kill this guy," Kara replies blankly, flowery language disappearing in an instant. "I can help you hide a body easily."

"Karamatsu-niisan?!"

"No, no, this is genius." Ichimatsu's eyes lit up as a small sadistic smile graced his face. He leans over to Kara, being in the middle of their little huddle on the roof. "I can't believe I'm saying this, but Shittymatsu has a point. Can you clean blood too? I'm sure Jyushimatsu's bat will create a spatter or something."

"Absolutely! Though blood stains are a pain to clean, you know. They take forever to disappear."

"Maybe someone can act as a distraction?"

"You're onto something!"

"Are you guys serious?!" Choromatsu exclaims, loudly interrupting their conversation. "We're not murdering Tougou, even if he's absolute scum. We'll be the ones in jail!"

The two turn to him, expressionless looks on their faces. The third-born falters, silently debating with himself before standing his ground.

"We're not committing a premeditated homicide! That should be obvious." He sighs, shaking his head. "Besides, that wasn't what we wanted to talk about. Have you noticed Osomatsu's weird behavior, Karamatsu-niisan?"

Kara blinks, instantly snapping out of his murderous state. The anger still bubbles in his chest, but he lets it sit in favor of listening to the third born. 

"I have, to be honest. He hasn't been himself for a long time."

Literally speaking, he hasn't seen Osomatsu as himself since he was a child. 

Being young and naive, the second born thought Osomatsu was fearless. It was in the little things; the way he chooses what they were to do for the day, the way everyone went for him for advice, the way he laughed and seemed on top of it all. Karamatsu admired him, and more importantly, believed in him to be the leader of their little group. Now he sees it was a tremendous image to uphold, but back then Kara believed in superheroes and dreams. This belief was just a byproduct of being a stupid child. And that lodger was one of the things that grew him up. 

Following Tougou, he never saw the eldest so vulnerable in his life. 

The image as Osomatsu as this unrealistic fearless leader shattered. The poor boy had terrifying nightmares every night. He'd needed constant support from family for weeks. God, he'd even often avoid knives years later.

That was the first time Karamatsu had to step up as second eldest to keep the younger ones from collapsing, but he'd always supported the eldest as much as he could. Even when he stopped asking, even when he started retaliating, he always tried to support him. He didn't want the eldest to collapse in himself. All he wanted was for him to return to normal.

He hadn't seen Osomatsu 'normal' in a long, long time. Maybe he'd only grown up within that time. Maybe this was just their new normal. But Karamatsu still yearns the Osomatsu who told them his scary nightmares and admit he wasn't okay. He yearns for an Osomatsu who would've cried at a nasty bruise, or get scared from a frightening campfire story, or would tell them he wasn't okay for his own sake, not anyone else's.  

God, thinking about it now, it's silly. I am not better than that kid from years ago. 

"Thank Akatsuka. That saves us from having to explain everything," the third born chuckles appreciatively, snapping him out of his thoughts. "We wanted to talk to him about it, but we're afraid that he'll just push us away. We actually want to help this time around." 

"Shittymatsu, he'll listen to you. You're the second eldest, you're the only one that he'll take seriously. You're not one of his precious little brothers."

Kara feels like he could cry out of happiness from their compliments but keeps it together for the severity of the situation. As much as he is grateful for his little brothers for believing in him, he's afraid that they're wrong in this specific instance.

"I would be happy to take on this task," he starts enthusiastically before his voice slowly turns apologetic. "Though, I'm afraid my help would do nothing to solve the problem. He often ignores me too."

He's been shot down so many times, too many times, by their lovely eldest. It's almost uncanny to think of a time when he did accept his help. 

Despite this fact, he always tries to show the eldest he would always support him. He gets the feeling Oso only thinks of these attempts as 'painful', and he'd been lying if he said they all weren't, but the eldest uses the same excuse to deflect his sincerity. He was sick of it. 

The silence was more uncomfortable than most. Karamatsu forces himself to look at his younger brothers' faces crumble. It hurt but installing false trust in them before coming back to report that Osomatsu pushed him away would hurt more.

Choromatsu frowns, a whisper of disbelief coming from his lips. Ichimatsu cuts him off before he could hear it clearly. 

"That's bullshit," he growls. "He'll listen to you. He'd done it before."

Was he referencing the night before Choromatsu moved out? He shivers as he thinks about it, Osomatsu resorted to unnecessary violence to let out his mental dilemma. It was one of the few times he truly was disappointed in the eldest. But even then...

"It was one time," he stresses. "He also forced me to resort to violence out of severity. In this case, a fight would only damage our point."

"You-"

"I did try. You wouldn't know how many times I've tried."

The three sat in more silence, the depth of Kara's words beginning to set in. He hadn't meant to snap at Ichimatsu, but he didn't want his attempts to be invalidated. All he wants is for Osomatsu to be genuinely happy.

Choro was the first to speak this time, gathering a shuddery breath.

"Does that mean that Osomatsu's... hopeless?"

Ichi gives him a sharp look. "Osomatsu-niisan isn't hopeless. There must be something we can do." His gaze turns to Karamatsu, the older jumping in surprise. "You know there's something we can do, Karamatsu. You're just hiding it for dramatic effect, aren't you?" 

Choro jumps, shocked before a frown also appears on his face. He looks at him in disappointment.

"You seem like the person to do that..."

"I swear, brothers, that wasn't my intention!" Kara replies, waving his hands for emphasis. "I do have an idea, but I'm not sure if it'll work..."

"Quit stalling!"

"Fine! Fine. What if we all went and talk with him, together? I know it seems like it doesn't make a difference, but Osomatsu's so used to handling one of us. If we go all together, he'll have to listen to us."

“Curiosity killed the cat” was a saying often thrown around between the six of them. Curiosity in something you should have nothing to do with was often met with trouble. It was true in most cases, seeing from their current living situation. Six grown men living in a cramped household didn't bode well. However, that doesn't mean something like this should be swept under the rug!

But no one says “but satisfaction brought it back.” No one says it because no one believes it.

"He doesn't think of us as lesser because we're younger than him," he reminds them, seeing their unsure faces. "He thinks of us as people he needs to protect."

"Even from his own feelings?" Choromatsu questions with a frown, crossing his arms.

"Especially from his own feelings," Ichimatsu answers. "I said it before, that guy has a huge big brother complex."

"I agree. But, maybe, we can change that."

The silence after thankfully wasn't as nerve-wracking as the others.

"I'll... I'll do it," Choro agrees, lifting Kara's spirits tenfold. His grin must be obvious, seeing how the third born smiled lightly at it.

"I'll be there just to keep you in line," he adds, pointing at him. "God knows you need it."

Kara scratches at his chin, a bit guilty. Did he mention some of his attempts were somewhat painful? "Right, right. Will you be with us, Ichimatsu?"

Ichimatsu, unlike Choromatsu, looked startled. He backed on himself, averting his eyes guilty. 

"You guys don't understand what I mean when I say I can't do it. It's not because I'm afraid he'll push me away, but because I'll  collapse. I… I'm not ready for something so nerve-wracking as this."

"But you talked with both of us," Choro counteracts. Ichi shakes his head. 

"That's because it's you two. Seeing the real thing... it sets my nerves on end. This talk is about Osomatsu, I won't make it about myself by breaking down. I'll talk to him myself, just give me time... to, y'know... God, you know what I mean!"

Ichi was a flustered mess at the end of his rambling, attempting to hide his face with his hands to cover the red radiating from his cheeks. Kara wasn't surprised. The fourth born was prone to anxiety from talking to others, he would probably be on edge talking to Osomatsu about a situation this serious. That being said, he couldn't help but feel a bit disappointed. It would be a great growing experience for both Osomatsu and Ichimatsu, but alas, it's another problem for another day.  

"That's fine. We'll talk to him ourselves," Kara reassures, Ichi lowering his hands from his face at his words.

"Thank you," the fourth born whispers. The elder almost jumps at how fond it sounded.

"It's nothing, really. We wanted to do this anyway." Kara lets a soft smile rejoin his face while Choro nods reassuringly, timidly joining their hands together. Ichi's face only turns a shade deeper as he squeezes them. 

"Though, I do expect you to work on yourself and try to reach out to Osomatsu. It seems you two have lots to talk about."

Ichi looks up from Choro and nods, muttering something incoherent under his breath. Karamatsu's grin grew. 

Choro turned to him, hands still noticeably interlocked with Ichimatsu's. "So that's it? We're doing it?"

"I assume so, bruzza! Let's hope Osomatsu complies."

"Let's hope that nobody gets killed," Ichi adds, immediately back to his lethargic self. "Well, nobody except that disgusting scum-"

"You're seriously still on that?!"

They laugh lightly, almost as if tomorrow wasn't plaguing each of their minds. 

Osomatsu has been feeling very, very tired lately.

It's almost funny to think of a time when he didn't feel this lethargic. It was normal to wake up and feel like his body was on the brink of collapse. The way his mind spun to the point of dizziness never phased him anymore. Thinking of the last day he woke up to a lightness that lasts him all-day feels only like a distant memory. 

For being a useless NEET, he has too many thoughts in his head. He loved being spoiled without doing anything, but he isn't that thick-skulled to ignore how it was weighing his parents down. He loves his brothers to death, but the thought of them moving out without him still strikes him with dread. He's the eldest, the person that everyone looks to for guidance, but in the end, he's the shittiest one of them all. It takes no time to see Osomatsu was no eldest material, so why was this burden put on him? Had he done something bad in a past life? Did the world want to laugh at him? Did the universe want him to learn some sort of sick lesson? Well, great job universe, he already knows!

Sometimes he thinks the role of eldest would be better suited to Karamatsu. Although prone to be painful at times, he genuinely cares and supports all of his little brothers. And the man says great advice at times. Not everything that comes out of his mouth is terrible prose.  

He wonders if Choromatsu would be less uptight if there wasn't anyone to annoy him. He wonders if Ichimatsu would feel more loved if there wasn't anyone to tease him. Would Jyushimatsu be calmer if he wasn't there to rile him up? Would Todomatsu be less secretive if he wasn't there wanting to know his every move? Would everyone be better off without him?

He imagines it often; the Matsuno quintuplets. The idea always pestered his mind before, but it completely overtook his thoughts the moment he saw that news article. Maybe realizing that he's going to die in October cemented it in for him. Maybe he wanted to die all along. 

Though dying is scary and seems like it hurts a lot and might have consequences graver than death itself depending on how you go out so he doesn't want to die. Despite his childhood tormenter and eventual murderer being let out in a few months, he doesn't want to die. 

When he first saw the article, he'd thought it would push him to finally make amends to everyone. He would be a good older brother to his siblings instead of a nuisance. He would help around the house to ease the stress of their parents. Hell, he would even show his friends that he loves him. But as the days went by, he found himself unable to do anything. With the dull pain of anguish that lingers in his chest during the day and the frenzy of fear that often results in exhausting panic attacks during the night, he finds that all he could do is quietly wait for death. It's draining already to fake a smile every time his brothers are around. 

He knows he's a lost cause, but some part of him is still waiting for the night where his thoughts won't be as loud and for the morning he could wake up happy. 

Today wasn't that day. He stared at the ceiling from their living room, his thoughts out of reach and fuzzy. He had been trying to sleep beforehand, wanting to make himself less miserable for the night ahead, but he can't bring himself too. At some point, he'd just stopped trying. Staring into space was easier. 

Well, it was easier. Karamatsu and Choromatsu walked into the room without warning, causing him to fumble into a more relaxed position. He sports them an easygoing grin.

"Heya guys! Where are the others?"

Choromatsu looked nervous, barely looking his way. Has he said something outrageous recently? To be honest, the days blend together so often that he hardly remembers a time he did. 

"Out," Kara replies instead, looking pretty normal. That weirded him out even more, Kara hardly looked anything but painful. And the way he replied... He would've bet the second born would've said something more along the lines of "a fruitful journey of self-discovery." Something like that. 

"Ah? It's just you two then? Boring."

"I have you know that we have bountiful amounts of fun during our time together," Kara states matter of factly before nudging the third born. "Isn't that right, my dear Choromatsu?"

Choro nods, sparing a glance at the firstborn for the first time since they walked in. 

"It's better than what you were doing beforehand," he admits. Oso pouts childishly, but inside he was panicking. Did they catch him staring into space? Shit! Shit! What's a decent excuse?

"I was bored, okay!" Oso retorts. The two's gazes stayed unaffected.

"By staring blankly at a wall?" Choro questions. 

"I was just really bored!"

Kara walked over and sat next to him, a sincere frown on his face. He gazed at him for a long time, much longer than Oso could handle. Is he... Oh god, is he going to ask if-

"We've been worrying about you, Aniki."

Fuck.

"Uwah?! This again, Karapii? You should know I'm fine already!" He tries to smile the second born's worries away, but Kara's face looks so very sad. The very sight of it makes the grin he was upholding hurt ten times worse. 

"Osomatsu-niisan." 

He turns to see Choromatsu sitting on the other side of him, his previous nervousness washed away by the amount of concern on his face. He feels his grin start to waver but forces it to stay plastered on his face.

"You hardly sleep anymore," the third born explains. "You don't eat either. All you do is entertain us or stare at nothing."

"It's extremely worrying seeing you like this, Osomatsu," Kara murmurs. "All we want is to help you."

Help him? No one can help him from this. No one should. His darker thoughts were depressing and extreme, but still a good part of himself. To have other people, especially his brothers, see them felt humiliating. 

He was the eldest. A no-good one at best, but he isn't completely deadbeat. 

"Guys, I'm fine," he insists, his voice becoming sterner. "I would've told you if something was wrong. We're brothers. Do you really doubt your Nii-chan this much?"

"We don't. We're just worried that-"

"You're a liar, niisan."

The two paused, turning to Choro. His nervousness had completely washed away, leaving only a stern frown and eyes that sparkled with emotion. 

"You've told me that line so many times, so so many times. And I believed you, seeing that you are my best friend." He swallowed sharply, sighing as he realized his voice went higher than expected.

"How long will this cycle continue for? How long will you keep lying to our faces?" 

His heart started to pound in his chest. He... He sees Choromatsu as his best friend too. All those fun times as they were kids, playing around and not giving a shit about anything else. They were the closest out of everyone. They were the ones who always banded together. They were the ones who told each other everything. 

Even now, being less close as they were before, he still has some happy memories of them two. But that doesn't mean he has to unload all his emotional baggage to him!

"Choromatsu I don't think you understand what you're getting into-"

"I think we both know what we're getting into," Kara interrupts. He still looks so so sad and the firstborn fights to keep his composure. 

"We found a newspaper in the bin awhile ago."

His whole world felt like it was falling apart.

He couldn't find it in him to say anything as they explained how they knew Tougou was going to be released soon. Do they know he's going to die too? Or maybe, they think that he's just a baby, afraid of the make-believe boogeyman coming for him in his sleep. The latter was definitely preferred. He would've believed it himself if every time he closed his eyes he didn't see vivid visions of knives and sinister smiles. 

His heart somehow pounds faster as he clasps his sweaty hands together, trying to keep them from shaking. His smile is still there, small and wobbly and prepared to break at any moment, but it's still there. And with that, he still has a chance to convince them he's okay and escape. 

"It's okay to be afraid right now," Choro coaxes, bringing him back to reality. "We're here. We'll help."

Against his will, he felt the familiar burn of oncoming tears in his eyes. Fuck! He needs to go, now!

He won't cry in front of his brothers. He can't cry in front of his brothers. They'll... They'll deem him as weak! He would be as less as an eldest than he already was beforehand.

Osomatsu lets out a weak chuckle, lifting himself up to go anywhere else but here.

"Listen, I don't want to talk about this anymore. Let's do something else! The pachinko parlor has a brand new machine-" 

Two tugs on his hoodie catch him off guard. Kara and Choro were holding on to his hoodie, looking like they won't let go anytime soon.

"Aniki, please."

"Niisan, please."

Oso stares at their understanding faces for only a few moments before suddenly bursting into tears.

The tugs on his shirt disappeared as he sunk himself to the floor. He hid his face with his hands, relieving his brothers from seeing the worst of his crying. He wasn't a messy crier, he wasn't a crier at all, but he couldn't control the ugly sobs that wracked throughout his body. It was like his body trying to dispel the array of emotions he'd kept in the last few weeks. 

Oso stopped crying enough to look up when someone tapped his shoulder, only to be embraced by a soft blue sweater. He melts into the hug without thinking, crying harder.

It takes only a few seconds for him to feel a hand rubbing comforting circles on his back and a soothing voice whispering reassurances in his ear. It's Choro, and of course it's Choro because his voice makes him feel all warm inside despite all the hardships he held. They both make him feel warmer inside. 

He doesn't know how long he'd been crying for. It lasted forever and went by too quickly at the same time. He'd heard somewhere that crying makes you feel better, but Osomatsu doesn't feel anything when his cries reduce to hiccups. He's too incredibly tired to be bothered to feel anything. 

"I don't wanna die," Oso whimpers, snuggling into Kara's hoodie. It smelled like horribly cheap cologne and washer detergent, but Oso couldn't get enough of it. 

"You're not going to die, Oso," Choro consoles. "We will always make sure you're safe."

"Even from myself?"

"...What do you mean, Aniki?"

Some part of his brain yells for him to shut his mouth before he gets in trouble, but that small part seems so far away now. So he tells them. He tells them how he feels and he's afraid that he actually might kill himself someday and how the role of the eldest feels like it can crush him sometimes.

"I'm sorry that I'm such a bad Onii-chan," he concludes, blinking back hot tears from his eyes. The room turns so unnervingly silent and he almost feels nervous from saying such personal things. 

"Osomatsu," Karamatsu calls after a pause. "Look at me."

He grumbles in annoyance but lifts himself to meet the second elder's eyes. They were soft but stern and filled with so much love he could cry all over again. 

"I don't want to lose you, Aniki. I never want to lose you. I know you have your demons you face, and I know some days they seem convincing, but understand that we all love you. I love you."

"I know it doesn't seem like it sometimes," Choromatsu pipes up from behind him, a small smile on his face. "But we do look up to you. You're our brother. Our eldest. We wouldn't have it any other way."

"That doesn't mean you have to act like the leader all the time." Kara reminds. Choro nods supportingly.

"We can talk like this, just the three of us. All you have to do is ask."

Oso blinks back another set of tears from his eyes, a small smile growing on his face. It was difficult to put on, more so from the fact he's drowsy rather than the desperate need to put on a false mask, but he needed to convey something. Their words were nice. Despite running empty and feeling slightly numb, their words still felt nice. 

"I will," he mumbles, rubbing his eyes to dry the last of his tears. "I promise. Thank you guys, really."

"It's no problem, niisan."

"Though this does not mark the end of our time together. Want to nap until the younger ones get back?"

Goddamn it Kara and your sharp perception! The fact that his tiredness was pointed out will be a bit embarrassing later, but the firstborn needed it now. His only reply was snuggling into Kara's hoodie again, eliciting a laugh from the second born. He heard Choro sigh, moving to get up.

"I'll get a blanket."

Kara's warmth was enough to satisfy him if he was being honest. But of course, the blanket helped.

They were all a pile of limbs and blankets and pillows in little to no time. It was a little less comfortable than expected, but the only thought on Osomatsu's mind was how grateful he was for all of his brothers.

Later he would realize how free he felt with no dark ideas plaguing his mind. Later he would realize a lot of things.

Though, with this rekindled optimism, he can hope that tomorrow will be a good day. 

Tomorrow is a new day.

Unsurprisingly, Ichimatsu hated worrying. 

He hated the way it always plagues his mind, lingering like an annoying thought in his head. It comes whenever it wants despite the thing he was doing beforehand. 

Sleeping. Feeding the cats. Becoming a human baseball bat. 

Choromatsu. Karamatsu. Osomatsu.

They had said that everything went well, but he couldn't help but have doubts. What if they're lying to him? What if they think it went well, but Osomatsu thinks otherwise? What if, what if, what if-

He couldn't tell from the eldest, he acted the same as always. Sure, his eyebags had lessened, but you never know with these things. Maybe he started to use makeup to make Karamatsu happy. Maybe he has gotten better at hiding his fake smiles to please Choromatsu. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe -

Sometimes he finds himself wishing he'd agreed to talk to Osomatsu with them only to berate himself even further. He'd refused for a reason. He'd needed to work on himself, and it's not just for his sake anymore. Maybe he could ask for help later, but for now, he just wants to try by himself.

Though, despite the eldest being immature sometimes, he likes to think of them just talking about life. ...It's a nice thought to have.

"Heyo, Ichimachan~!" Oso calls, suddenly appearing in the room. The younger jumps. "I've noticed you here by yourself. Whatcha thinkin’ bout?"

Ichimatsu felt his cheeks flush at being caught off guard, averting his half-lidded eyes. "Nothing," he mumbles offhandedly. 

This wasn't enough for Osomatsu, he guessed, the man pouting at his reply. "You've got to be thinking about something! You were thinking pretty hard. Was it something bad? Was it something lewd?"

"Are those the only two things in your head?!"

Oso only snickers, leaving him to grumble alone. It wasn't like he didn't want him to be here, it was the complete opposite, but...

"Are you going to annoy me forever?"

The eldest surprisingly shakes his head and places something in his lap. His eyes almost bulge out of his head when he sees it.

A bag of his alleyway cats’ favorite dried sardines..! Had he died and went to cat heaven?! 

His eyes immediately lift to the eldest, demanding answers.

"How?"

Oso shrugs. "Jyushi told me. I had some money to splurge, so I figured why not?"

That bastard, he thinks as his face heats. He carefully examines the bag to find that it was unopened and lovingly filled to the brim. What the fuck. 

His hands shook below the bag as he lifted his gaze back up to Oso. "...Why did you do this?"

"Have I already answered this?"

"I lived with you for twenty-something years now, I know the first thing you would splurge on is beer."

Oso loses his charismatic smirk for only a few seconds before he laughs. "You got me, little bro! Damn, and I thought I was a good liar."

"Spill."

"Fine~! It was to say thank you for being the 'organizer' of what happened a couple of days ago. I... I really appreciated you doing that."

Ichimatsu's eyes widen slightly. Those bastards...!

"I... I didn't 'organize' shit. Go thank Kara or Choro, they actually went ahead and did something."

"Actually, a little birdy told me that you found out about... my problem first. You were the one that convinced Choro-chan to go through with the whole thing. Without you, Kara would have talked to me by himself and... nothing would've changed if you didn't do anything... so thank you. Really." 

Getting the idea that Oso would pester him until he accepts, he timidly nods. 

"It's no problem," he mutters. "I did it because I care for you and stuff. And despite me not being there, I want to know how you're feeling. I'll murder you if you turn out to be hiding stuff from me."

"Right, right~!"

Osomatsu had seemingly gone back to normal in a few seconds, but the grin on his face proved otherwise. It wasn't fake, sly, or forced but something so pure and genuine. Osomatsu-niisan was finally happy. 

Finally, something seems right again. 

"Want to feed these to the strays?" He asks when the eldest before the eldest prepared to leave. "You brought these. It's only fair."

"Really?" Oso questions, confusion blatantly visible on his face. "You'd let me hang out with the strays? You sure you don't want to enjoy them with Jyushi or whoever?"

This... wasn't as right. Whatever. They'll work on it. 

"I want to go with you, niisan. It... It won't be as fun otherwise."

He'd be lying if he said Osomatsu's soft smile afterward didn't make finding that shitty newspaper worth it.