Take Your Pain Away

Xie Lian heaved a weary sigh, exhaustion resonating in his weary bones, staring at the road ahead. He had a long way to go on foot, with of course no carts in sight he could hail in hope of getting transportation. His bad luck was striking again.

Two days ago, as he'd wandered to a neighboring village in order to sell a bit of scraps, he'd ended up meeting an elderly couple in need of help. He heard them mention to people they knew that a malevolent force had overtaken their fields, messing with the crops during the night and retreating in the nearest forest during the day. Hearing that, Xie Lian couldn't let it go, and he offered to help immediately.

Only problem was, their home was in another village some miles away. The couple had only been here because the husband had insisted on bringing his wife over to some of her family – he hadn't wanted her to be injured because of the spirit while he looked for help. Apparently, the ghost was getting bolder and bolder.

The elder was overjoyed to find help so fast. Especially from someone in the right field of expertise. Immediately hired, Xie Lian waited until the wife was brought to her family before he set off in the cart with the husband towards his village.

It wasn't a hard job per se; the spirit wasn't as strong as he'd imagined. But it was cunning, and without any spiritual power, Xie Lian did his best in dispelling it. The fact that he was without Ruoye, having left it behind to keep Qi Rong in check, made it all the harder.

It took him two whole nights to manage the spirit. By the end, he was rather exhausted.

True to itself, his bad luck had struck again when it was time to leave. The cart was damaged in the last moments Xie Lian fought the spirit as the latter slammed into him the moment Xie Lian dispelled it. The husband had been supposed to bring Xie Lian back with his cart as he would go get his wife back, but the cart was in no condition to be used and would take quite a while to be repaired. Especially since the elder didn't have the proper tools.

Any other time, Xie Lian would have offered to help repairing the cart, seeing as it was kind of his fault anyway. But he was worried about the kids and didn't want to leave them longer than he already had.

He knew the people from Puqi village would help the children if need be, but Xie Lian hated to be an imposition.

Since Hua Cheng was busy in Ghost City, it was improbable he'd make a sudden appearance at Puqi Shrine – or, well, Xie Lian didn't want to count on that fact in case he'd be wrong (and his bad luck would make him wrong every time).

So, he bade the elder goodbye and set off back to Puqi village, even if it was quite a long way ahead.

Xie Lian sighed once again. The sky had been clear just minutes ago, but now, dark thick clouds filled it in its entirety and a deluge poured down on him, soaking him through instantly, his clothes now heavy and completely drenched. He regretted not having his bamboo hat, having left it at home, thinking back then he wouldn’t be gone long enough to truly need it.

Despite his exhaustion, however, even knowing his muscles were screaming in protest, he pushed on. He'd endured far worse and it was more important to get to the children as fast as he possibly could.

He walked and walked, ignoring his soggy hair sticking to his face, only pushing the strands as best he could from his eyes. He pressed on, even when the rain fell in earnest, making it impossible to see more than a few feet ahead. He ignored the plea his whole body was shouting at him as the ground became soft and muddy, slowing his steps.

He could make it. If he kept on, he might be able to arrive the next day.

He shouldn't have thought that. He shouldn't have as much as let a spark of hope cross his mind. He suddenly felt the ground beneath his feet collapse. Of course, his bad luck would strike again, content to act and mock him the moment an earnest thought came through.

Since it was raining so heavily, Xie Lian hadn't seen the direction he was taking, hadn't realised that the road was on the edge of a cliff. Now, with the earth so soft from the rain, he was sliding down the soggy slope at a very fast rate, with nothing around to grab and slow his fall. When he realised he could grab Fang Xin to help him, it was already too late. White light exploded before his eyes and pain burst inside his head and throughout his body.

Xie Lian didn't know how much time had passed when he opened his eyes with difficulty, the water pouring down his face only making his job that much harder. He groaned in pain, taking a few breaths to calm the intense headache and nausea threatening to reject the little food he'd had in him before leaving.

When he thought it was calmed enough for him to move, he painfully pushed himself up. He hissed when he moved his right foot, biting down on his lower lip. Carefully, breathing down the nausea once again, he examined it to assess the damage. Thankfully, it didn't look broken, but it was already swelling badly, meaning he'd definitely sprained it.

Another exhausted sigh left his lips as he examined his surroundings this time. Somehow, he'd been lucky enough that he hadn't fallen too far down from his initial position. It was still downpouring, but it had let up a bit, and Xie Lian could now see further ahead. It appeared that he could keep following the trail from above while staying on this level of the ground.

Gently, Xie Lian stood up, carefully testing his right foot. It hurt, of course, but he'd indeed known worse, meaning he could probably walk on it without too much trouble. It would, however, slow him down, and he'd arrive far later than he had planned.

A flash of red crossed his mind and Xie Lian wished suddenly for Hua Cheng to be here. But the Ghost King was back in his city, he was busy. There was no way he would arrive suddenly to sweep him off his feet and carry him back home.

Xie Lian shook his head – although stopped abruptly when the nausea attacked him once more, powerful enough to make him dizzy.

He couldn't think like that! Hua Cheng shouldn't have to be his savior every time something went wrong! The man had already done so much for him. If Xie Lian kept relying on him like that, he'd grow tired of him! Not that Xie Lian would blame him...  

No, he could do this. He'd get home eventually, and he'd rest once there, once he knew the kids were okay.

His foot was screaming with every step he took, pangs of pain shooting up his leg, but Xie Lian ignored it. He'd started shivering badly in cold as the rain didn't show any sign of stopping any time soon. The sky became darker and darker, making it hard to see once again.

Xie Lian was tiring fast. His eyes were drooping of their own accord, and it was getting harder to ignore his foot screeching at him in pain for every step he took. His head was also killing him. At some point, he realised that dizziness was making his surroundings spin.

He stopped. Only for a short breath, at the very least. That’s when he spotted it. There was a cave next to him, funnily enough. Xie Lian debated long and hard; he knew he should keep going. Plus, with his luck, he supposed he’d find a family of bears or something once he got inside.  

Then again, he could barely see anymore, and it would do no one any good if he collapsed again because he couldn't spot the danger ahead. And he would trip – 800 years of bad luck dictated it.

Besides, he was getting so very tired. The dry ground seen from the entrance was a very enticing sight.

Maybe resting wouldn't be so bad. Maybe it'd help him heal a little before he set off again for Puqi shrine. Maybe his bad luck wouldn’t strike too hard either and the cave would be empty. After all, there hadn’t been a thunderstorm yet, despite the really bad weather…

Mind made, Xie Lian limped towards the cave, his body's shivering only picking up in strength. His teeth chattered violently. He didn't bother, however, to pick up any wood to make a fire, not seeing any inside the cave, and knowing the one he could get outside would be too soggy to do anything. Oh well. The dark was a little off putting, but the prospect of finally drying off was enough for him to find a spot where he could lay down.

It was quite inside, empty. Xie Lian breathed a sigh of relief.

His clothes were soaked through, sticking to his skin icily, sucking off what little warmth he had left. It was very uncomfortable, but Xie Lian's mind was getting too foggy to recognize he should probably remove them.

Now that he'd finally settled down, his whole body was getting heavy, protesting at any kind of movement. Soon enough, Xie Lian was drifting on and off, unable to tell the time, even wondering sometimes where he was.

In one of his more lucid wakes, Xie Lian once more found himself wishing for Hua Cheng's presence. Hua Cheng would know what to do, would be able to bring him home to the children. He might also look at Xie Lian with that worried look he reserved only for him, his strong hands cupping his cheeks in warmth despite their lack of heat. He might even gather him in his arms like he'd done before, whisking him away to Paradise Manor.

When Xie Lian started imagining Hua Cheng's hands brushing away strands of his hair off his face, he felt heat in his neck shooting up to his cheeks. What was he thinking?! Hua Cheng had a beloved, he'd mentioned it before. Even if Xie Lian wanted anything from the other man, there was no way the latter could reciprocate.

Xie Lian blinked back tears threatening to spill. That person who held Hua Cheng's heart was very lucky indeed. The man might not talk about them much, but it was obvious in his every move, his expressions, even his voice, that this person was deeply treasured. Xie Lian would give everything to have the man's heart and sole attention. To be cherished just as much.

But it was not to be.

And if the tears spilled and flowed down his cheeks after all, his whole body shaking in grief, well... there was no one around to know about it.

Exhaustion surpassed him once again. He drifted off to a fitful sleep. He was freezing, of course, but his body was experiencing bursts of heat, ache only increasing in every part of his muscles, joints, and bones. There was a pressure against his chest, making it hard for his lungs to work properly.

He wondered, as he woke, if he should at least call Hua Cheng through the communication array so he could keep an eye on the children while he made his way back.

His contemplation was squashed quickly by his hazy other thoughts, unable to stay coherent for very long.

"...ge"

Xie Lian frowned, opening his eyes. Could he have heard...?

"Gege..."

That couldn't be it. How lucky would Xie Lian have to be for Hua Cheng to be checking in on him at this very moment. Surely it was a dream!

"Gege, can you hear me?"

But it was a nice dream, and Xie Lian wanted to reach out even if nothing would come of it.

"Yes..." he answered aloud. He heard his weak voice echoed inside the deep cave.

"Oh, thank goodness! Gege, I've been trying to reach you, but you weren't answering. Are you alright?"

"I..."

His head was hurting, and the voice resonating inside was only making it worse. He brought a hand to his forehead, gritting his teeth in pain, his body shaking all over. He inhaled through his teeth in an attempt to tone it down, without success. He would be fine in a few minutes. If he was given a bit of time, he would be all right.

It seemed, however, that Hua Cheng picked up on his discomfort, because the worry in his voice only increased. "Gege, where are you?"

Xie Lian's gaze roamed around the cave, trying to recall how he'd ended up here; from where he could have come.

"San Lang..." was the only thing he could utter ultimately, unable to answer the question.

The conversation stopped there, to Xie Lian's dismay. Pain shot in his head. Tears once more gathered in his eyes, and his throat tightened as a sob threatened to escape his lips. The pressure on his chest increased. He was beginning to feel like the pain would be soon unbearable.

Which said a lot.

The nausea hit him full force again, and Xie Lian turned on his side, doing everything not to throw up what little he had left in his stomach.

"Gege!!"

Weird, Xie Lian could have sworn he'd heard that voice next to him instead of inside his head. But how would that be possible? He hadn't told Hua Cheng his exact location. How could the other man find him so quickly?

There was a hand suddenly grabbing his shoulder, moving him. The sudden shift, however, made the nausea that much harder to hold off. Xie Lian's hand flew to his mouth to stop anything from getting out, but it was too late. He quickly moved so he could throw up on the ground, somehow sound enough to be mindful of Hua Cheng's expensive clothes.

"Shit shit shit shit shit," he heard being muttered into the dark. "I'm so sorry Dianxia!"

It didn't take long for the heaving to stop. It wasn’t like there was a lot of food inside of him.

He moved to wipe his mouth, but a silver butterfly was quicker, landing lightly on the corner of his mouth as though in a fleeting kiss. He felt himself suddenly clean, all traces of him being sick completely gone. He blinked, though he didn't have much time to process as he was being gently, and slowly, pressed against another body.

The steady presence helped tremendously. He took deep breaths, though it did little to calm his trembling body and hammering heart.

As he looked up, Xie Lian was dumbfounded to see Hua Cheng's face hovering above him. The other's gaze was filled with worry and anxiousness as he checked for any injury that could be found on his body. The silver butterflies had been brought out, flying above Xie Lian to heal cuts and bruises he had not noted previously. One settled on his ankle.

He expected for most of it all to heal, but nothing happened.

He wondered if it was because he had too many wounds, if it took too much spiritual power, but when he returned his gaze towards Hua Cheng's face, he found his features twisted in a stunned expression mixed with fret.

That wasn't good.

At least, he was thankful for the light the butterflies brought inside the cavern.

More of them appeared, flying to Xie Lian's body, which tickled him a little. He wished it would work this time, to ease Hua Cheng's worry, but to no avail. Nothing happened.

The Ghost King uttered a sound of frustration, his hands clenching tightly into fists. Xie Lian lifted one of his hand to the other's cheek, seeking his attention. Hua Cheng blinked in surprise, looking down.

"It's fine, San Lang. I'll be alright. It's not the worse I've felt."

It didn't have the effect he was seeking. Instead of reassurance, Hua Cheng’s face dropped into a crestfallen expression, teeth clenched, eye shining in a hurt so deep, it cut through Xie Lian's heart. Why...?

"Whether or not Dianxia has felt worse doesn't mean Dianxia should have to feel pain!" he cried out in anguish.

Xie Lian was stunned. He gasped, sensing his chest constrict at the words, confused as to how he should feel about them.

"This San Lang should be able to relieve you from pain! I made certain of that! But once again I'm–"

He cut himself there, biting down hard on his lip, looking away.

"I'm sorry, San Lang! I didn't mean to make you feel bad, it wasn't my intention. Please forgive this clumsy Gege."

Hua Cheng's gaze shone with what could have been unshed tears as he shook his head.

"There is nothing to forgive. It isn't your fault, Dianxia."

Xie Lian would beg to differ, but the way Hua Cheng's expression closed off, he knew not to press. He sighed, wondering how it came to this, as a violent shiver coursed through his back.

Xie Lian's shaking grew stronger. He couldn't seem to stop himself from trembling. Hua Cheng's hands felt far colder than usual. Not necessarily in a bad way, though. It felt good on his burning cheeks when fingers brushed wet hair from his face.

Xie Lian blinked heavily. Sleep threatened to overtake him once again. He concentrated to will it away, needing to make sure Hua Cheng was alright. He hated to see such anxiousness from the other man. He wanted to understand where it came from, how he could be so worried about Xie Lian, but no reasonable conclusions made sense.

He didn't dare ask, however. He'd already made a mess of things. Maybe he should instead try to distract the other man.

The moment he opened his mouth, instead of words, coughing spilled out, deep and wet. It was strong, carrying on and on…

"Dianxia!"

He was pressed tighter against Hua Cheng. He coughed and hacked until it was a wonder his lungs hadn't been spat out. Lungs that were tightening, burning, needing air that could barely get through his throat.

Once the fit stopped, wheezing, he let out a tiny whine. He tried to keep his consciousness to slip through his fingers.

It was enough for Hua Cheng. Xie Lian found himself being lifted slowly, carefully as to not to aggravate the nausea, before he was carried away.

He was vaguely aware of doors that closed behind them. They were now in a new environment, one that he recognized rather quickly: they were back in Paradise Manor, in Hua Cheng's chambers.

A thought crossed his mind. Xie Lian struggled a little inside Hua Cheng's embrace, another whine fleeing his lips. He shouldn't be here. He should be back at Puqi Shrine. The Children needed someone to take care of them.

But Hua Cheng stopped in his steps and secured Xie Lian better against him. He seemed to read his thoughts, because he murmured in a reassuring voice: "I sent someone to take care of the children. They are safe. You have nothing to worry about Gege."

Xie Lian's whole body eased up at the words. He finally allowed himself to settle his head against Hua Cheng's chest. How did this man keep doing so much for him, and know exactly what he needed? It was so unfair!

He was lowered unto the bed so tenderly, it brought tears to his eyes. Until, that is, he realised that his clothes were still soaked through, which worried him about dirtying the fine linen under him.

He didn’t have to say anything. Hua Cheng was way ahead of him once again. With a flick of his wrist, Xie Lian found himself completely dry, new clothes made of rich and expensive fabric adorning his body.

Normally, they’d be clothes Xie Lian would be too uncomfortable to wear – they reminded him too much of the person he once was when still a prince. Currently, though, they felt soft and light, and his sensitive skin was thankful for it.

The ribbon holding his hair was slowly loosened, his hair pooling down. Hua Cheng settled him against the soft pillows, and it astonishingly felt like lying down on a cloud. It was getting a little hard staying awake…

A cushion was placed under his sprained ankle. Hua Cheng sat at the foot of the bed, bandages in hand.

"My powers are fine," he mumbled to himself. "I should be more than able to heal Dianxia. So why...?"

Carefully, almost in loving reverence, Hua Cheng gathered Xie Lian's foot and proceeded to bandage it expertly. Then, he examined his legs and arms for any cut or bruise – cleaning the cuts, pressing his lips on each bruise.

Xie Lian gasped, eyes wide, the trembling in his body increasing ten folds. His burning cheeks were turning to lava, frying his brain in the process. He couldn't understand what was happening. Why was Hua Cheng acting this way? It didn't make any sense!

"S-San Lang, ah!?"

He gasped when the other's lips touched a particularly sensitive spot. Xie Lian had to bite down on his lip to stop any unbecoming sound from escaping.

Thankfully – or not – Hua Cheng stopped. He shifted, returning to the head of the bed, expression broken-hearted.

Xie Lian didn't have the courage to ask why.

He was tucked under the covers lovingly, but it was not enough to stop the trembling that had settled into his very bones, apparently. His eyes, however, were drooping, this time because of the comfort brought to him.

They flew open when he felt a hand gently tapping his cheek. It was disorienting.

"This San Lang apologizes, but Dianxia cannot go to sleep just yet. It's possible he has a concussion, and I would like to ask him a few questions."

Xie Lian blinked, and blinked again, finding it hard not to let sleep whisk him away.

"Where did Dianxia go yesterday? Guzi mentioned you going to the neighbour village, but judging by where I found you, it doesn’t add up."

He had to rack his brain a little for an answer.

"A village further away. Needed to help an elder. A spirit was ravaging his fields."

"What kind of spirit?"

He tried to recall, knew that he had the information, but the more he searched, the more his head ached, pulsing as though a hammer was being knocked on his skull.

"I..."

"It's alright, Your Highness, you don't need to force yourself. Do you remember the village's name?"

There was a nail on his skull this time, and it pierced it as the hammer went down again. He hissed.

"N-no..."

"It's okay, Your Highness. I'll find on my own, you don't have to worry."

Xie Lian nodded slowly, and the pain relented slightly.

He felt fingers brush his cheek, gently moving to his forehead, before a palm was pressed against it. It covered it in its entirety.

It was one of the best feelings in the world.

"Dianxia is burning up,” Hua Cheng noted softly, worriedly. “How long was he in that rain?"

Xie Lian frowned at the question, uncertain how to answer. He'd gone from the elderly's home a little after breakfast, but it hadn't started right away, and he was unsure how much time passed before he found that cavern...

The frown adorning his features and the lack of answer were enough to tell Hua Cheng all he needed to know. The worry, ever so present since he found Xie Lian lying in that cave, only grew deeper, now mixed with what looked like anger. He was most definitely upset.

Xie Lian could feel the guilt rising, seizing up his throat.

It tore him open when he heard Hua Cheng's voice go small.

"Your Highness, why did you not call me?" His eyes were filled with hurt, a plea in them to have answers to this particular question.

Xie Lian felt shame. He'd thought about it, of course. Calling Hua Cheng. A lot. But in the end, he was just scared of being a burden. Of asking for too much. He should be able to take care of himself. Had for the last 800 years.

Getting hurt was pointless anyway because he always came back eventually. So why should Hua Cheng be incommoded for practically nothing?

"San Lang will have to forgive this Gege," he whispered, shifting his gaze away from the other's intense stare. "I knew you'd been busy recently, and I didn't want to take you away from your work. You have Ghost City to take care of. Someone as unimportant as me shouldn't be presumptuous enough to think he could bother you."

A heartbroken whine resounded above him and Xie Lian's eyes widened. He thought for a moment he had imagined it; it had been soft, barely above a whisper. But when he looked up again, Hua Cheng's dark eye shone with such grief that maybe it hadn't been the fever making him hallucinate after all.

Xie Lian was the one to put such a look on the other's features, again and again. It was his fault! He was messing up spectacularly tonight…

But he couldn't fathom why either. Didn't Hua Cheng have a beloved? Someone he cherished most in this world? Someone far better than Xie Lian?

What was he doing, anyway? Taking all of Crimson Rain Sought Flower's attention when he had a cherished person he wanted to be together with? It was unfair to Hua Cheng. Xie Lian had been correct not to call. He had no right to try and steal the Ghost King's heart. Presumptuous indeed...

Never mind that his heart soared at the mere thought of Hua Cheng being that worried about him. He shoved the feeling down, hiding it as far as possible and locking it under key.

"His Highness could never, never, bother me!" Hua Cheng stated with such desperation, his eye burned. Xie Lian gasped, enraptured by its intensity. "I would do anything to make sure you are all right."

Both his hands now cupped Xie Lian's cheeks, supporting the back of his head. His thumbs caressed his cheekbones, rubbing the corner of his eyes soothingly. His fingers gently massaged his scalp, assuaging his headache.

"I hate to see you hurt, Your Highness. You do not deserve to receive pain, nor endure it. This San Lang is here for you, and nothing is as important as you, not even Ghost City. Never even Ghost City. I want you to call me when you are in trouble, so that this unworthy ghost can help you in whatever way he can."

His heart was hammering in his chest despite the pressure against it, threatening to burst out any moment. It was a wonder Hua Cheng could not hear it.

His cheeks burned and Xie Lian was uncertain how much of that was the fever's fault. He gulped, eyes shining, and his brain found it hard to process the words. Nothing made sense anymore. Maybe he really did have a concussion.

He breathed a single laugh containing no amusement whatsoever, transforming into a coughing fit. His body's shaking only grew in strength. Hua Cheng's eye widened, returning to panic as he seemed at a loss of what to do.

"Dianxia?" he exclaimed frantically.

He helped Xie Lian lie on his side, and his hands hovered near, dismayed.

"Dianxia, you're crying. If this San Lang has offended you..."

Oh.

That's right, he really was crying. Now that his coughing fit had died down, he could feel the tears running down his face towards the mattress. What a sight he must be! He was ruining Hua Cheng's silky sheets with his tears and snot. It wasn't enough that he was sick, he had to make it worse by crying.

"You haven't offended me," he reassured, voice hoarse. He shook his head vehemently – but stopped rather quickly when his headache pulsed painfully. "This Gege is simply overwhelmed by San Lang's generosity. I'm not used to such..." devotion "kindness. I'm so used to do things on my own, I forgot what it was to rely on a friend."

His heart squeezed. In the end, he couldn't bring himself to mention Hua Cheng's beloved. He knew he should, remind him that he had another person who deserved the Ghost King's reverence far more than he. But Xie Lian was selfish. And right now, he wanted to bask into the other's care.

Later. When he was a little better, he'd remind him.

Hua Cheng sighed softly, his hands once more returning to Xie Lian's face, brushing the tears away with the most careful of tenderness. It took everything out of him not to whine in delight. His touch was so soothing, he found it hard to keep his eyes open, nodding off against his will.

"Dianxia?"

He could hear Hua Cheng's voice as though he were underwater. It was fading, fast, and he found he could not resurface like he had previously. His eyelids were getting heavier, despite the hands on his cheek.

Darkness filled his vision and he slipped into a fitful sleep.

Hot. So hot. Everything around him was ablaze! He was melting. He couldn't escape either. The more he tried to move, the more whatever restrained him tightened around him, pressured against his chest. It was excruciating. He was suffocating, felt as though he was being strangled.

He could barely breathe. His lungs burned. He ached all over. Where was he? How had he ended up here?

There was a flash of white and the sound of laughter echoed from everywhere. Terror seized him as he recognized the sound. He struggled harder, but he couldn't move despite whatever he tried.

Pain exploded in his abdomen. He cried out in a gasp, unable to utter a single sound, the restrains squeezing his throat tighter.

"Stupid child, foolish child." The voice resounded, Xie Lian unable to pinpoint where it came from. He couldn't see anymore. His vision was cloaked in darkness.

Another stab, this time in his chest, near his heart. He wanted to scream, but his voice had disappeared. He was restrained in all senses of the word.

The laughter resumed, stronger and more wicked than ever. "—His body... is immortal!" it proclaimed viciously.

"Sorry... our child is still young."

Another stab.

"You... you need to ask for forgiveness, right?"

And another.

"Don't let him cry out!"

And another, another, another, anotheranotheranotheranother...

Stop, please! It hurts!

No one listened to him. No one could listen to him. And the pain kept coming and coming and coming until there was no way for him to know where he started and the pain ended.

Vaguely, he could hear a scream, loud and scared and hurt. He wondered who it could be. It wasn't him since his voice was restrained.

He forgot quickly as another burst of pain stabbed him.

It hurts it hurts ithurtsiTHURTSITHURTSITHURTSITHURTS!!

"Gege!"

He couldn't see but felt too vividly. When a hand touched his head, he recoiled violently – or tried to anyway. It burned him, leaving a scalding mark to his skin as painful as the stabs.

NonononONONONONONO DON'T TOUCH ME DON'TTOUCHMEDON'TTOUCHME! ITHURTSITHURTSITHURTSPLEASESTOP!

A sob escaped him. In the back of his mind, he noted the hand did not touch him again.

"Dianxia… you're safe..."

He wasn't! He was far from safe. He was attacked over and over without any sign of anyone relenting.

But the voice was so gentle and kind. Maybe a guiding light amongst all this darkness? Where was it coming from?

It was soon drowned by the laughter, filled with resent and mockery. "No one will come for you."

NO NO NO NONONONONO MAKE IT STOP MAKEITSTOPMAKEITSTOPMAKEITSTOP!

"...not real, Gege..."

Impossible! The pain was too real, relentlessly eviscerating him until there was nothing left of his body and mind. But…

Help me...

He had no strength anymore.

"... safe... Lang... manor..."

He knew that voice. That comforting lilt, wrapping him in a safe cocoon, protecting him from harm. He knew that voice and he wanted to reach for it.

Slowly, he opened his eyes, and was greeted by a dark, kind orb steadily watching him, a soothing voice coaxing him to wake up. There was an edge of something in the sole eye watching him, but he was too tired and worn-out to understand what it was.

"Gege..." the man breathed in relief.

He moved a hand towards Xie Lian, who flinched violently, backing away, but finding himself trapped. A sharp pain exploded from his leg. He couldn't move. This was real after all, he wasn't safe!

His breathing picked up, eyes frantically searching for what was restraining him, fearing the pain. He had to get out of here, they would stab him again, the pain was coming back, he–

"Gege, shhhh... listen to my voice. You're safe! Look at me." The words were soft, enticing, and grabbed Xie Lian's attention, eyes locking once more with that beautiful dark iris. "Try to breathe with me, please?"

He watched as the other man breathed deeply – a thought crossing his mind that he probably did not need to – and Xie Lian felt compelled to try and copy him.

His own breathing was shaky, fast and frantic. Cut by hiccups constantly, he did his best, reassured by the other's soft encouragements to keep going.

"That's it, Gege. You're doing great!"

It took quite a while. Hua Cheng wasn't deterred in the least, cheering him on. Eventually, Xie Lian's breathing returned to enough of a normal state. He collapsed on the bed, feeling as though every bone in his body had disappeared.

The reality of what happened finally crashed down on him and he felt intense shame at his behavior. He knew where he was now, and who exactly stood beside him, kneeling on the floor, staying distant enough not to spook him away.

How could he have reacted so badly to Hua Cheng? The man had proved time and time again he would never hurt him. How could his body be so scared of him?!

"Gege," the other whispered into the quiet darkness. It was broken only by a few lit candles here and there. "Can I touch you?"

The fact that he had to ask only rekindled Xie Lian's shame. And yet, he found his mind wondering if that would be safe, if he really wanted to be touched.

But the promise of comfort Hua Cheng always brought with him was enough for Xie Lian to crave it once more and bypass his discomfort. He nodded once.

Despite his answer, Hua Cheng was careful. He lifted his hand slowly, always making sure it was in Xie Lian's sight, before fingers carefully brushed his shoulder, as though ascertaining that he wasn't forcing himself by acquiescing. Xie Lian's heart melted at the thought and he felt like he could cry again at such concern shown to him.

Satisfied when the God didn't flinch or recoil from his touch, Hua Cheng placed his hand on Xie Lian's bicep, slowly rubbing it up and down. With his other hand, he carefully moved Xie Lian and helped untangle him from the covers that twisted around him while he trashed around.

So that was what had restrained him earlier. Xie Lian felt even stupider.

He realised that the covers were also drenched, most likely in his sweat. Hua Cheng removed them slowly, taking care of him as one would with a wounded animal.

Once the sheets were peeled off him, Xie Lian shivered in earnest, his teeth chattering. He was so cold now, even though he'd felt like he was burning earlier. He began to cough again, the sound wet and hacking. His throat felt raw, as though he'd screamed at the top of his lungs.

The pressure in his chest felt like it was increasing.

His fit lasted a while, leaving him breathless. When he stopped, however, he realised the covers were dry once more, and the clothes previously sticking to his skin were now soft and light. A hand was rubbing his back in slow circles and an eye was staring at him both in concern and sorrow.

"I apologize San Lang," Xie Lian croaked, out of breath. He cringed at how cracked his voice sounded. He cleared it, wincing.

The hand on his back stopped and he felt Hua Cheng start.

"Whatever for?"

"For that shameful display," he wheezed, hating how he couldn't seem to regain his breath. "For not recognizing you. It must've been scary."

The hand on his back pulled away, making Xie Lian's heart squeeze in disappointment, but it returned as quickly, rubbing his back soothingly once more.

"Gege has nothing to apologize for. He's not feeling well and had a terrifying nightmare. It's only expected he would react how he did."

Xie Lian hummed, but still looked away in shame.

"Does Gege want to talk about it?" Hua Cheng whispered, voice hesitant.

He shook his head, gaze now sad. He wished he could, he really did. But he didn't have the energy to explain everything. Besides, what was to say Hua Cheng wouldn't cast him off once he knew the truth? Not that Xie Lian would blame him.

"It'd be hard to explain," he finally settled on.

He thought he saw Hua Cheng open his mouth, ready to protest, a glimpse of anguish in his eye, but he must've imagined it because it was all gone the moment he looked up.

"Is there anything this San Lang can do for Gege?"

Yes, there was. Xie Lian would give anything to feel Hua Cheng's strong arm around him, feel his comforting embrace.

He wanted, for a moment, to know what it would be like to be Hua Cheng's noble, gracious, special someone; to be cherished and comforted until he felt soothed enough to go back to sleep. He wanted to bury his face in the other's strong chest, feel secured and protected from the rest of the world. He wanted to breathe in the Ghost King's scent, wanted his senses to be focused solely on Hua Cheng and nothing else.

But that would be too selfish. He wasn't the one – and risking asking for too much was bound to bring consequences, ones he wasn't ready to face. So, he shook his head once again.

There was a hand on his forehead, palm icy against his burning skin. It felt wonderful.

"Gege's fever has gotten worse. I'll bring you some water, you need to drink."

"En..." Xie Lian replied absent-mindedly, preparing himself for Hua Cheng to leave his side.

He didn't however, his hands still on Xie Lian's forehead and back, giving him a taste of that comfort he craved badly.

Hua Cheng shifted his position before he gathered Xie Lian in his arms, propping him up in half a sitting position and settling his back against his chest. A cup filled with fresh water was presented to his lips which he slowly swallowed. He wanted to stay in this position for as long as he could, dragging on drinking the cup's content on the pretext he didn't want to upset his stomach.

If Hua Cheng saw through him, he never mentioned it.

Xie Lian managed to drink it all. It was with regret that he slipped back under the covers, knowing he shouldn't remain. He almost hissed in pain as he moved his ankle the wrong way but caught himself on time. Hua Cheng did not need more grief.

He was so tired.

A hand lay on top of his head, fingers combing through his hair.

"Gege should try to sleep. He needs to rest."

The words instilled fear in his chest, and he froze up, tense. He didn't want a repeat of what just happened. The pain, although unreal, was still too fresh in his mind.

But his body was betraying him, beyond exhausted. Before he could think, words were already spilling past his lips: "Could San Lang stay near?"

There was a flash of surprise in the other's eye, but it soon transformed into a smile. The first one since he'd been found tonight. It gave Xie Lian a lot of comfort.

The hand on his head pulled away and Xie Lian forced himself not to chase after it as it did wonders to his burning skin and aching head. He watched instead as Hua Cheng slowly lowered himself onto the mattress, lying down on his side so that they could both be face to face.

A hand slid down his arm and settled in his own, squeezing it. "Of course. This San Lang isn't going anywhere. I will be right here to protect Gege. I'll watch over him and make sure he's getting better." He gave another squeeze. "All Gege needs to do is ask, and he shall receive."

They were so near, their foreheads almost touching. So close, Xie Lian could practically feel the other's embrace. If he only pulled!

He didn't, knowing it would be inappropriate.

"Sleep, Dianxia. You need to heal."

As slumber finally carried him away, he thought he heard whispers near his ear as cold lips brushed his forehead.

"It was scary," it murmured, "to be unable to do anything again. To hear you scream while I couldn't wake you. I'm so sorry, Dianxia, so sorry. I need to do better by you."

Xie Lian dozed on and off. He was simply unable to sleep deep enough to recuperate. One moment he was entirely too hot, the next he was freezing, the heavy blankets insufficient to keep him warm. It was during the latter moments that he muttered San Lang's name through his chattering teeth, flashes of a concerned eye watching him, hands caressing his face.

At some point, he woke up in a start from a strange dream that was already escaping his hazy mind. The anxiousness lingered however, and he stared at the spinning ceiling, feeling nausea building up.

He sat up in a feverish daze, mumbling something incomprehensible even to himself. It left him even more dizzy – now the whole room was spinning! He couldn't stay in bed, however. He didn't know exactly where he was, yet he knew with certainty that he had to leave.

You're so selfish.

Hua Cheng should be by my side.

Because of you, he hasn't as much as looked at me. You stole him from me.

You don't deserve him. Rot! Go back to your lonely self!

Xie Lian pushed the covers away, breathing labored. His nose was blocked, but he also found that his lungs weren't cooperating much, the pressure constricting them.

He heard rustling to his right, but when he put his foot down on the cold floor, he found Hua Cheng kneeling in front of him, grabbing for his waist in a clutch loose enough for Xie Lian to leave if he wanted.

"Gege? Is something wrong?"

Xie Lian's hand settled on his forehead as he tried to make sense of his mind but couldn't.

"Can't stay here..." he mumbled as he stood up, pushing Hua Cheng's hold away from him.

His eyes weren't focused and the room spined harder, the edges of his vision getting blurry. He couldn't even take a shaky step before he collapsed, ankle pulsing painfully. Hua Cheng caught him in time, preventing him from hitting the ground.

"Gege!"

Hua Cheng moved to lay Xie Lian back in the bed, but the latter pushed him, trying to get away. In his daze, he missed the look of confused hurt that crossed the other's features.

"Gege, what's wrong? You should be in bed, you need to rest!"

Xie Lian shook his head, but it was a bad idea. His face turned green, his hand flying to his mouth. That seemed to be enough for the other man to understand. A bucket was suddenly at Xie Lian's feet and he kneeled over it to throw up.

There was practically nothing. Considering that his last meal had been rejected already, his stomach was completely empty.

And yet he retched again and again, the nausea relentless. The taste of bile queasily stuck to his tongue. His whole body was shaking violently; it was a wonder as to how he kept holding himself up with the bucket.

He whined. Tears streamed down his cheeks, nose running disgustingly.

What was he still doing here? The voice was right.

You don't deserve him. Rot! Go back to your lonely self!

Fingers lightly settled in his hair, combing the strands, gently pulling away the stray hair that fell in his face. They combed them into a loose braid, taking every opportunity to rub his shoulders, neck and back comfortingly.

When Xie Lian was finally allowed a respite, he collapsed on the floor, boneless, breathless. He hated that, even after throwing up, the room still spined.

He was unaware how long he stayed in that position. He was eventually picked up carefully, a cold cloth washing his face tenderly. It felt good, so much so that he tried to reach for it blindly when it left. It returned a while later, laid across his forehead. Xie Lian hummed in soft delight.

A cup was then pressed to his lips. "Here, Gege, wash your mouth, then drink."

He did just that. Rolling the water inside his mouth to remove the taste as much as possible, throwing the water in the bucket – the cloth miraculously staying on. Once he was satisfied, he tried to gulp down the water, his throat dry and raspy, but the cup wasn't tilted enough.

"Small sips, Gege. You have to be careful not to upset your stomach more."

He was forced to drink slowly, one sip at a time. Thankfully, he managed to drink everything and keep it all down. The cup disappeared once empty, and Xie Lian rested his head against the strong chest, breathing short and fast. He still found it hard for his lungs to function properly, the pressure almost unbearable.

Xie Lian's eyes were getting heavy. He was about to fall asleep when he felt himself being picked up.

You're so selfish.

You don't deserve him!

The moment he was laid down on the mattress, he sat up again, the cloth falling on his lap. He weakly tried to push away Hua Cheng.

He couldn't stay here, he had to leave, he couldn't keep being selfish!

"Your Highness, what are you talking about? Please stop, you're not being selfish!"

He hadn't noticed he'd said it out loud. No matter. It wasn't enough to deter Xie Lian.

"Have to leave. M'being selfish... Don't deserve this..."

"Your Highness, please! That's not true! You're ill, please go back to bed."

Xie Lian shook his head. Every time he was pushed back against the mattress, he sat up again to try and leave.

Made him dizzier, his body heavier and heavier.

"... Keeping San Lang to myself," he continued mumbling, tears of frustration gathering in his eyes. "Beloved will be sad... Don't deserve him."

The hands restraining him let go in shock and Xie Lian took the opportunity to sluggishly leave the bed again. He managed a few steps this time, ignoring the pain in his ankle, before strong arms caught him in a tight embrace. It was so protective, so warm despite the fact the other man was a ghost. A sob tore from Xie Lian's lips.

It was so unfair! Why was Hua Cheng making things so difficult? Why couldn't he just let Xie Lian go? It would only make the separation that much more painful if he stayed any longer than he already had. It would only make that other person much sadder.

He sobbed harder, struggling weakly against the arms around him, but drawn to the other's caring hug and strong chest, luring him in.

"You've got it all wrong, Your Highness," he heard whispered in his ear. A kiss was pressed against his temple before he was turned around, facing Hua Cheng. This time, he was given a kiss on his forehead while his tears streamed down in earnest.

"It's you! It's always been you!"

His sobs redoubled. Surely this was nothing but a fevered dream. The words felt as though they'd disappear from his mind the moment he woke up.

He buried his head in Hua Cheng's chest, clutching tightly at his clothes as he cried and cried, unable to believe the words, finding them to be too cruel. There was no way this was real.

But if this was a dream, he realised, then it was far preferable to the nightmares he'd experienced so far. If this was a dream, then maybe he could indulge in it.

Because deep down, he wanted nothing more than to be that selfish; to have Hua Cheng all for himself.

Hua Cheng held him safely, slowly stepping backwards, bringing Xie Lian with him. When there was no struggling, no attempt to get away, Hua Cheng gently laid them both down, never breaking the embrace. He tucked them both under the covers, uttering soothing words Xie Lian did not understand as he kept sobbing.

He never let go, not even when Xie Lian finally calmed down, eyes red, puffy and swollen, nose running. Kept holding on when he yawned, world fading slowly.

"Sleep, my love."

It was the sweetest of dreams, and Xie Lian held onto it until he was unable to keep his eyes open.

He couldn't breathe.

The pressure in his chest was excruciating. Like a foot stamping on him, crushing harder and harder. It reminded him of that man, 800 years ago, who made a bet with Feng Xin and him and dared he could break four boulders on his chest. Was this in how much pain he'd been after the deed?

Every time he moved in the hope of finding a better position, the pain in his foot flared up. It shouldn't hurt that deeply, however. He'd had sprained ankles in the past; it'd ache if he wasn't careful, but he'd known worse.

Now, it burned brightly, along the rest of his body, and he couldn't breathe!

Sleep was too fitful and evaded him as much as he tried otherwise. He opened his eyes, short of breath, irises searching the room for the one person that could bring some sort of temporary relief. When he couldn't find him, he called out, anxious.

"S'Lang?"

His voice was small, nothing but a croak. A cough followed. He winced at his sore throat.

Where was Hua Cheng? Had he left? Maybe he was busy, maybe Ghost City needed him. After all, Xie Lian being more important than Ghost City couldn't be possible. He must have dreamt that too.

Or maybe Hua Cheng had gone for his beloved after all.

He tried to get up – to sit up at the very least – but his arms were made of lead and could barely move, let alone hold him up. He made it as far as a few shaky inches up before he collapsed back into the pillows, the room whirling nauseatingly.

Xie Lian's breathing picked up, trying to move air inside his lungs, failing. He couldn't breathe!

"...ge"

He opened his eyes – when had he closed them? – to see a blurred face above him. The person was talking, but the voice felt so far away, as though Xie Lian had been immersed into deep waters. Maybe that was the reason his lungs weren't functioning. If he was underwater, of course he couldn't breathe!

A second face appeared above him, just as blurry. He felt cold hands on his face, on his neck, on his chest. They were palpating him and brought him discomfort, their touch scalding. He squirmed, whimpering. Attempted to flinch away from those hands that were merciless in their examining, but barely able to move a muscle.

Narrowly missed the whisper of apology in his ear.

"..... getting worse....."

"...... wrong.... him...?"

There was a conversation above him, but the words mostly escaped him, and nothing made sense. Where was Hua Cheng? This was getting scary!

Can't breathe... He can't breathe... He can't breathe!

"..... curse..... soul..... hurry... find......"

He was sinking. The water’s crushing force pulled him down, its tendrils tugging at his ankles shackling him to a boulder. He opened his mouth to cry for help. Instead, the last bubbles, remnant of the bit of air left in him, escaped from his lips up to the surface he could not reach anymore. He weakly tried to snatch them back, to no avail.

Liquid filled his lungs, putting more pressure inside his body, dragging him down like a sinking rock. He gaped like a fish, but nothing happened. Darkness creeped at the edge of his vision and he knew he would drown.

It didn’t feel like he’d be able to resurface from that particular ocean.

His hands reached for his neck, clawing at the skin as though it would do something, anything!

He can’t breathe!

San Lang. San Lang! San Lang!!

Suddenly, there were lips against his own, and cool air flew right to his lungs, filling them. It happened a second time, then a third, pulling Xie Lian up as if he wasn’t chained to something heavy anymore, until he finally erupted to the ocean's surface, his head bursting through the water in one deep inhale.

He gasped and coughed, chocking, but he could finally breathe!

He gulped and gulped as much air as he could between each coughing fit, heart thundering in his chest as the adrenaline of having almost drowned settled in his muscles and bones. He shook all over.

His sight returned to him, although still hazy and spinning. The pressure in his chest lingered, but it wasn't as catastrophic as a second ago.

Hua Cheng's face lifted from his own and watched him in both terror and relief.

"Dianxia," he whispered in the most heartbroken, yet relieved voice Xie Lian ever heard from him. “Danxia, breathe slower.”

Hua Cheng inhaled and exhaled exaggeratingly above him. Xie Lian also felt a hand slowly moving up and down his torso, following the ghost’s rhythm. It was an anchor, something he latched unto as he attempted to calm himself despite the thudding in his ears and the raspiness of his throat.

It helped. It wasn’t enough, but it eased his body and mind enough that his breathing could almost be considered normal.

Almost.

He could already feel the edges of his consciousness slipping away. He looked up, at least wanting to thank Hua Cheng before he was knocked out cold.

Kneeling above him, Hua Cheng buried his head in the other’s chest, body so very small despite being taller than him. He shook all over.

For a brief moment, Xie Lian wondered if he’d transferred his trembling or something.

He did his best to lift his arms, heavy as lead, around the other.

"Thank you, San Lang," he mumbled tiredly.

The only acknowledgement he received was hands grabbing at his clothes above his chest, squeezing the fabric tightly.

Xie Lian wanted to say more, wanted to comfort Hua Cheng, but his eyelids were too heavy, and he was beyond depleted. His consciousness fled before he could hear the other's response.

"Hold on, Dianxia. I'm begging you!"

There is blood on the palm of his hand.

Xie Lian shakily stares at it, unable to process the thought as a spike of fear seizes his bones and an iciness spreads all over.

He’d felt it bubble deep in his chest mere moments before he started coughing again. This time, he’d hacked so violently, blood splashed out. Not a little either. There’s a puddle of it in the middle of his hand, trickling down his wrist and arm.

There’s a brief flash in his mind that he’s soiling Hua Cheng’s clothes, that he should do something about it, but he finds that he can’t move, eyes glued to the spot, wide and trembling.

He can taste the blood and iron on his tongue, can feel its presence in the back of his throat, can sense it coating the corners of his mouth.

Another cough escapes him before he can slam his hand on his mouth. Blood splashes everywhere, droplets staining the covers. Crimson dribbles on his chin down his neck. Xie Lian hurriedly tries to wipe it away, but only manages to stain everything.

He’s frantic. Hua Cheng had gone for a few minutes – to get some food if he remembered. Xie Lian can’t let him see all of this, can’t let him see that it’s getting worse on top of seeing that his bed and clothes were stained. He has to clean it all before Hua Cheng comes back, he can’t have him see such a disgusting display!

But it’s too late. He hears the clatter of a tray and the shatter of a bowl as hurried steps rush to him, hands cupping his blazing cheeks, thumbs rubbing his dirty chin. Xie Lian lowers his head as he feels another cough coming, making sure to contain the blood in his hands and not spray it on Hua Cheng’s face.

That would be too much.

He glimpses at what fell on the floor to avoid looking at his soiled hands, and notices the food spilled out. What was probably chicken soup spreads away, liquid slipping through the cracks of the floor.

It looks too much like the drops riveting on his forearms and Xie Lian panics.

Teeth clenched, eyes wide, he desperately searches for something to wipe away the blood on himself, but everything belongs to Hua Cheng and he’s already ruining it all. Tears gather in his eyes as he tries to come up with a solution, mind working furiously, but none do. He’s at a loss and he hates it.

He can’t breathe again, and he doesn’t know what to do, doesn’t want to ask for the help he’s already excessively taking advantage of, he’s–

Lips are pressed against his. He whines in protest, tries to pull away, but hands hold him there. He can feel the spiritual energy engulfing him. For a mere moment, it seems like it’ll help…

Nausea overpowers him. Xie Lian shoves Hua Cheng away before he turns himself to the edge of the bed and throws up. Blood mixed with bile splashes the clean tiles, his hands leaving bloody prints on the fabric of the sheets he’s clutching.

It takes every bit of the little strength he seemed to have regained when he woke up. Swaying, he almost topples down the edge, the only thing stopping him a hand grabbing the back of his clothes. Xie Lian watches as his hair fall in a curtain on each side of his face, the sight of blood the only thing he can now see.

He shakes at its sight, wondering how he’s going to get out of that strange illness. Is it going to drag on and on and make him suffer for a very long time? Is he going to ‘die a slow death’ until his body can’t hold on anymore and he’s ‘revived’? Until all of his insides are liquified and there’s nothing left of him, a reminiscence of 800 years ago?

He’s ‘died’ in a lot of different ways over the centuries. But this… everything that’s been happening lately is amongst the scariest. He knew suffering, and always managed to stay optimistic despite it all. But this…

This is hard not to get horrified by!

Xie Lian is settled back down on the mattress despite his weak protests. Hua Cheng coos, expression nothing but reassuring, although the effect is ruined by the blood staining his lips, and the bloody prints on his clothes, where Xie Lian shoved him.

Was it contagious? Could ghosts even get sick?

He whimpers, but it seems he must have stared intently enough, because Hua Cheng’s lips and dress shirt are suddenly stainless. He’s smiling softly.

“It’s alright, Dianxia,” he murmurs, and he has a wet cloth in hands with which he proceeds to gently clean the God under him.

It feels good to his burning, sensitive skin. He’s glad when it helps remove some of the clamminess off it.

Hua Cheng takes his time, his movements redundant and repetitive enough that it slowly calms his mind. He wonders why the other man hasn’t used spiritual energy to clean him, as he always did, but thought maybe he didn’t want to waste any more on him.

Not a bad choice, especially if he was to succumb to the illness.

“S’Lang?” he mumbles in his half-asleep state, wanting to ask.

“Hmm?”

“I’m scared,” he whispers before he realises that’s not what he meant to say. There’s nothing he can do to stop the words.

The washing stops for a moment, but it picks up quickly enough for Xie Lian not to notice all that much.

“I know you are, Gege,” Hua Cheng whispers back. Xie Lian blinks heavily. He thinks he's hallucinating. Gege is filled with so much endearment, he might as well have called him love. “But you’ll be fine soon, I promise.”

It doesn’t feel that way. Not with how his chest is being crushed, how his heart and lungs are squeezed, how his insides are burning to a crisp, how his head wants to burst any moment. Nothing feels real, and yet he’s certain he would die.

“You told me you didn’t lie,” Xie Lian whispers in delirium.

He doesn’t hear the other’s response, his consciousness slipping away.

As time went on, the pressure in his chest proceeded to squeeze his lungs and heart tighter and tighter once again. He awoke and went back to sleep erratically, flashes of an anxious Hua Cheng filling his vision most of the time.

He thought he was being fed one time – soup it looked like, probably a second attempt – but he didn't think that ended well. He didn't have the strength to feel guilty, however.

Still, the words of reassurance murmured by lips pressed to the top of his head felt comforting enough to lull him back to sleep.

He managed to wake a few times and feel himself being held. Those were the most bearable moments. Even then, however, he sometimes caught a glimpse of Hua Cheng's worry as he so lovingly brushed strands of hair away from Xie Lian's face. It made his heart squeeze in a different type of pain.

He wished he could say something, but he was gone under before he could even manage to summon the thought, lulled away by what he believed to be soft singing.

What he hated the most, however, were the flashes of grief and anger he saw on the Ghost King. To see him kneeling on the floor, both of his hands clutching Xie Lian's tightly, his face hidden in the mattress. He could hear sobs wracking his body, and that broke his heart in tiny pieces.

I'm sorry I'm bringing you such anguish, he wanted to say. You don't deserve that. You're too good for that.

He blinked; tried to reach out but found that Hua Cheng was not kneeling next to him anymore. Instead, he was sitting in a chair pulled next to the bed, both of his hands tugging his hair, his expression dark and venomous.

"This is all my fault. I should've checked on him. Useless piece of trash!"

It's not your fault. You couldn't have known. You can't protect me all the time, especially from me.

Xie Lian blinked again, opening his mouth to tell him how wrong he was, that it had been his choice and his alone, but Hua Cheng wasn't in the chair anymore. He couldn't find him, making him panic a little.

It took everything not to freak out as he coughed and felt droplets dripping down his chin. He tried to muffle it, at the very least. Maybe it was what drove Hua Cheng away?

He heard a crash on the other side of the room. Xie Lian turned his head quickly and saw one of the expensive vases in thousands of pieces on the ground. Hua Cheng was next to it, heaving, shoulders tense and eye filled with absolute fury.

"Why can’t I ever do anything right?!"

But that wasn't true. Hua Cheng did everything right! He was the one always saving Xie Lian, be it from danger or from himself. He was the one who brought comfort and a sense of security to this lonely God. Why was he so angry at himself? Didn't he know how good he was to Xie Lian?

The latter blinked, ready to speak up, but Hua Cheng had disappeared and there were no traces of the vase on the ground.

He couldn’t feel the blood caking his chin anymore either.

"Please, Dianxia, I'm begging you," a soft voice whispered above him, and Xie Lian looked up. There were tears again as Hua Cheng watched him, playing with his hair with the gentlest of fingers. "I hate seeing you like this. You don't deserve to suffer. You suffered enough. I just wish I could take all of your pain away so that you could finally heal!"

He could simply be talking of the illness plaguing Xie Lian lately, considering how bad it had gotten. But then, why did it feel as though Hua Cheng meant more? Why did it feel like they knew each other from a long time ago? Who exactly was Hua Cheng? Where had they met? Xie Lian wracked his brain in search, but the headache pulsed too painfully, and he abandoned that idea rather fast.

Another blink, and Xie Lian moved his hand to squeeze the other's lap beneath his head, but he only found the mattress instead, Hua Cheng gone from his sight.

It was dizzying how the other man kept disappearing and Xie Lian hated his incapacity to help. Was this another nightmare? It sure felt like one.

Every time he'd blinked, his chest had gone tighter and tighter, and now he found even his heart was being painfully crushed against the weight. He gasped, writhed, frantically trying to grasp anything solid enough to hold him steady.

A ghostly invisible hand reached out in his chest, grabbed his heart in its tight clutches and squeezed. Pummeled it over and over, claws piercing its flesh in sharp stings.

Xie Lian shrieked!

It was just like the swords again, but this time, his heart was being pierced and obliterated until there would be nothing else.

He coughed and chocked on blood gurgling in the back of his throat. He couldn’t breathe, he would drown again!

It was agony! He would burn to a crisp if he did nothing! There was something inside him, ripping him apart! He had to tear it away, before it could crush his heart!

He deliriously clawed at his chest in the vain hope of removing the thing mutilating him from the inside, leaving long red marks, drawing blood. He had to get it out, get it out, getitoutgetitout!!!

He screamed and coughed and chocked, trying desperately to reach for whatever was inside him. He couldn’t take it anymore! It hurt so much!!

COULDN’T HE JUST DIE ALREADY?!?

His wrists were forcefully yanked from him, but the thing was still in there, melting everything in its path. Xie Lian arched his back, feet digging into the mattress, unable to differentiate the pain from his ankle to the one consuming him whole.

He attempted to yank his hands back, but he was restrained solidly. Terror seized his insides and he yowled.

"Your Highness!"

IT HURTS! MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT STOP PLEASE!!

He was being set ablaze, there was no other explanation. His throat was raw as he kept yelling, feet slamming as he trashed. At this rate, he would combust and there would be nothing left of him but ashes.

"SAN LANG!" he shrieked as tears poured down his cheeks, his heart and lungs squeezing and squeezing.

The hands restricting his wrists finally let go. At the very same moment, a weight engulfed him, encircling him. A different kind of weight, that would otherwise be welcomed if his mind wasn't overtaken by the torment destroying him.

Xie Lian couldn't understand what it was, but since his hands were free once more, they clawed at the thing on top of him, trying desperately to hold on to it.

"SAN LANG!!" he cried out a second time, sobbing.

The thing above him pressed him tighter.

He wasn't aware of how long he was held like this. Just that he knew nothing now but fire and crushing, searing agony; that he couldn't breathe anymore.

There was a burst of sound somewhere and hurried steps coming towards him.

"Do you have it?" he heard. The voice was frantic, furious.

The weight above him was suddenly gone. Xie Lian missed it as he was left only with his burning self.

Something was pressed against his lips.

"Dianxia, drink this! You'll feel much better."

There wasn't much of a choice, however. His head was tilted back, and liquid was poured into his mouth, forcing him to swallow.

For a moment, it did absolutely nothing. His heart and lungs would still be crushed to powder, and his skin would still combust into flames anytime soon.

That was until he felt intensely sick and turned over, someone guiding him to the edge of the bed. He threw up, retching and coughing smoke along with the bile and blood. It was the grossest sensation, the pressure against his chest moving up, something physical slithering up his throat. He heaved it down in a gooey substance, the taste unbearable. It splashed on the ground as he coughed more smoke for a time, until it all finally stopped.

The pain faded to a dull throb in his head and aches in his chest and joints. He went limp, panting heavily.

Slowly, he rolled on his back. From the corner of his eyes, he saw a foot crush whatever he'd vomited. He thought he heard it screech.

For the first time in what felt like days, Xie Lian took a deep, deep breath. His lungs expended to their maximum capacity and filled with air. Suddenly, all was better.

With an arm draped on his forehead, he opened his eyes and saw Hua Cheng watch him with the most appeased expression, a wobbly smile adorning his lips. Xie Lian smiled back. Overwhelmed by a rush of emotions he couldn't quite pinpoint, Xie Lian lifted both his arms in a silent request. In a flash, Hua Cheng was holding him, and they embraced each other tightly, laughing in unison.

If tears were shed, no one said anything about it.

Eventually, Hua Cheng pulled away, though only to rest his forehead against Xie Lian's. They stared into each other's eyes for a time, until the former frowned lightly, replacing his forehead with the palm of his hand.

"San Lang, I feel much better. Please don't worry."

It was useless. Hua Cheng tsked and sighed fondly. "Gege is still warm. I guess it'll take a bit of time before he recovers completely. This San Lang will have to take good care of him."

Xie Lian blushed and blinked at the intense gaze thrown his way, the other's smile filled with amusement.

He yelped when he was whisked away into Hua Cheng's arms. "San Lang?”

“How does Gege feel about a bath?"

As he walked away, butterflies appeared, fluttering to Xie Lian, kissing away the cuts and bruises Hua Cheng had been unable to heal previously. The swelling in his ankle finally died down and it was with relief that Xie Lian didn't feel any more pain in his foot. He was still sore inside, but he suspected it would take a while longer before it could heal completely, considering the damage that was done. Still, the pain didn't hold a candle to what Xie Lian experienced so far. 

It was over.

He yawned, still feeling dazed after everything, as though the world had blurry edges he could not shake away. His head felt like it was filled with cotton, muffling sounds and touch as he lay his head on Hua Cheng’s shoulder, inhaling the ghost’s scent. It felt good to breathe!

"A bath sounds wonderful, San Lang," he agreed tiredly, closing his eyes.

When he was returned to bed, cleaned and smelling of the most expensive oils he hadn’t owned since long ago, Xie Lian felt comfortable at long last. The hot water had eased his muscles and warmed his weary bones, reducing the aches into nothing more than an afterthought. The room and bed were clean, holding no traces of what transpired earlier. It was quite the relief.

He was all the more content and cozy as Hua Cheng slipped into the covers next to him, pulling him into a heartfelt embrace. Xie Lian was gladly coaxed along, lying on the other's chest. He was too exhausted to even think, let alone realise where he was being pulled into.

He subconsciously buried his face into Hua Cheng's neck, sighing in contentment as he settled himself on the other's chest, noting the hand petting his hair in the back of his head.

"Rest, Gege. I'm certain you'll have good dreams."

He went to sleep far more easily this time.

"San Lang?"

"Hmm..?"

Xie Lian chewed lightly on his bottom lip as he pushed his scroll down. He'd given up re-reading the same paragraph for the 8th time, a question burning on his tongue as he watched Hua Cheng resting on his lap, playing with a few golden leaves to build a small palace on the mattress, content.

Since Xie Lian had basically recovered, Hua Cheng had been a little more tactile with him. It wasn’t that it was unusual – touch was a part of their friendship so far –, but it was a bit more intense. Xie Lian blamed it on the fact that he’d been immensely worried about him when he’d been ill.

Also might have something to do with the fact that he was slow on the full recovery, despite the spiritual energy given to him plentifully. The damage done had been extensive.

A question burned on his tongue, but he was unsure if now was the right time, or if things were still too fresh. He knew what happened a few days ago had left quite a mark on the Ghost King. He knew in the way the other looked at him with this deep worry when he thought Xie Lian wasn't watching; knew in the way Hua Cheng treated him with a delicateness reserved for fragile things.

"Gege? What's wrong?"

Hua Cheng had taken his silence as something going amiss – and that was the whole point of Xie Lian's question, wasn't it? Because he couldn't let things remain that way.

Not that he hated how was being treated, on the contrary. He selfishly loved to be in the Ghost King’s care.

But he also didn't want Hua Cheng to feel whatever distress was plaguing him any longer.

"Nothing's wrong, San Lang, don't worry. I just have a question."

Hua Cheng relaxed at that and picked up where he left off, humming his ascent for Xie Lian to go on.

"Could you tell me what went down when I was possessed by the Gao Huang Gui?"

He'd heard the gist of what happened: the spirit he'd fought and thought he'd dispelled had actually been a demon known as Gao Huang Gui – a ghost that preyed on people, settling between the heart and diaphragm. It inspired ill thoughts and caused physical illnesses, which explained the high fever and the nightmares. When it had slammed into Xie Lian, it had settled into him. And when Hua Cheng found him, trying to heal him with spiritual power, the demon absorbed it all, growing stronger and preventing Xie Lian from recovering.

Apparently, Hua Cheng had sent someone to retrieve a remedy that forced the ghost out of the body before he crushed it mercilessly.

All of that, Xie Lian already knew. What he wanted to know was the things he might have said or done that could've upset the other man.

Hua Cheng froze, the leaf in his hand falling. The small palace toppled down just as, Xie Lian suspected, Hua Cheng’s carefree expression collapsed.

"What does Gege remember?" he asked instead of answering, never turning his gaze to him.

"Not much, I'm afraid. Flashes here and there, but that's pretty much it."

In truth, Xie Lian couldn't recall much of anything – not even of the time he'd thrown up the ghost. His memories started clearly when he'd woken up after that, a little confused as to why Hua Cheng was holding him – before it’d processed, and he'd pulled away with eyes wide and cheeks ablaze.

The other had laughed, stating that they'd done it simply to help bring Xie Lian's fever down.

"I'm a ghost after all," he'd said with mirth in his eye. "Always cold. It has its perks!"

"R-right, cold..."

Xie Lian couldn't push away the disappointment that seized him. Of course Hua Cheng would think practically, it made total sense.

It didn't matter that Xie Lian had wanted more. It wasn't about what he wanted.

Engrossed in his chagrin, he'd missed the hint of sadness veiling the other's dark iris.

"Ah, then what is it exactly Gege wishes to know? He already knows about what caused his illness."

Hua Cheng picked up the golden leaves, restarting his small palace, eye stubbornly fixed on it.

"Did I say or do anything to upset San Lang?" Xie Lian asked, staring at his hands wriggling together. "Actually, no, scratch that, I know I did. But I would like to know precisely what it is so I can properly apologize to San Lang."

This time, Hua Cheng shoved the golden leaves away as he sat up, facing Xie Lian, cradling the latter's chin in his hands, tilting his head to search for his gaze. "Dianxia, look at me." He did. "You've done nothing wrong. You were ill, possessed by a demon. Nothing that happened is your fault!"

Xie Lian shook his head vehemently. "But it's not entirely true, isn't it? I do remember a bit, waking up a few times to see you so... angry at yourself! And it doesn't make sense to me, because you've done absolutely everything right to me, so it comes to reason that I was the one who made you feel that way–"

"NO!" A roar.

Xie Lian startled, eyes wide, watching the raw hurt in the other's features.

Hua Cheng deflated instantly, seeming to realise what he'd done.

"No..." he murmured this time. He hugged himself. He looked so, so very small. "I– Dianxia, please, you haven't done anything. It's... " A sigh, head hung in defeat. "It's more complicated than that..."

"Can't you explain?" Xie Lian coaxed gently, heart beating rather fast in his chest.

Silence fell in the room, a little tense. Quietly, Hua Cheng gathered Xie Lian's hands in his and rested his forehead against them. He shook his head, his hair falling slowly to the side, revealing the back of his neck.

Xie Lian was about to let it go, not wanting to push. It wasn’t his place to do so.

That is, until he spotted a red angry mark on the other's neck. Upon examination, it seemed to disappear under the other's clothes, and it looked like there was more than one.

He gasped in horror, wanting to reach for it, but his hands were currently occupied.

"San Lang, what...?"

Hua Cheng's head lifted in confusion when he realised what it was the other saw. His eye widened in panic and he quickly shoved his hair back in their place, scrambling off the bed to back away.

It appeared he hadn't anticipated Xie Lian would follow him.

"San Lang, those marks! What are they? You're a ghost, a Ghost King, you should be able to heal! Why does it look like you're hurt?"

Somehow, despite the height difference, as Hua Cheng backed himself to the wall, he looked like a cornered animal in distress. Xie Lian hated the sight of it, but his instincts told him he shouldn't relent about the matter.

"San Lang, please tell me what's going on," he asked again, more gently this time. His eyes were pleading.

Hua Cheng sighed in defeat, shoulders drooping. He grabbed his arms, clutching at the fabric, probably in an attempt of comfort.

"They're a reminder," he said, barely above a whisper. It was good that the room was silent and that he was listening intently, otherwise, he wouldn't have heard.

"A reminder? Of what?"

The Ghost King's eye hardened and Xie Lian watched as the other's self-hatred unfolded. "Of my failure. Or failures."

Xie Lian wanted to interject but remained quiet instead. He had a feeling he should let Hua Cheng talk to him at his own pace.

The other man sent him a grateful smile, though it was small and short-lived.

"You probably weren't aware of time, but you were sick for days. I was– !" A sigh. "I was so worried. I kept thinking I could've done better for you. I should've checked on you sooner. Instead–" and he laughed bitterly here, "instead, when I went to visit and the children told me you were out, I simply decided to wait for you. I'm pretty sure if I'd called you then, I could've prevented all of that!"

They couldn't know for sure, of course, would never be able to know, but Xie Lian continued to keep himself quiet. Tenderly, he gathered Hua Cheng's wrists and slowly guided him along back to the bed, where they would be more comfortable for this conversation. The other man followed absent-mindedly, engrossed in his explanations.

"When I finally called you, I knew there was trouble. I was just– I was so scared when I found you, especially when I realised nothing I did could heal you! All this power, and once again, it did nothing more than crap! I was useless!"

Xie Lian noted the words 'once again' with a raised eyebrow, storing them in his mind for a later conversation. This felt like another piece of a puzzle he was currently assembling.

He hadn't realised one of his hands had moved to Hua Cheng's arm, rubbing it soothingly.

"I think– I think this San Lang was also very sad to learn Gege was scared to call him. It's really important for Gege to know that it's okay to call San Lang any time he wants or needs. He'll never bother me. Actually, it's impossible for Gege to bother me in any kind of way."

Xie Lian averted his eyes, but chuckled fondly at the last words, comforted in their teasing.

Hua Cheng smiled, though it soon fell away.

"Your Highness, you were in so much pain after that. I'm afraid to say I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to leave your side either. And you kept getting worse and worse..."

"San Lang, I can't die," he interjected softly, wanting to offer some reassurance at least.

It had the wrong effect.

"This time you could have!!" Hua Cheng cried out, grabbing Xie Lian by the shoulders. He seemed to catch himself in time before he started clutching painfully and brought his hands back on his lap. "That thing," he spat it like it was poison on his tongue, "that thing was sucking your soul!"

Oh...

"But that's beside the point! Your Highness, whether or not that thing could kill you, it made you suffer. You tend to brush your pain off. You think that, because you've endured worse before, it doesn't matter. But that's not true! It matters! You don't deserve to suffer! You're allowed to live, free of pain!"

Xie Lian felt wetness gather in his eyes and he blinked. Hard. He gulped, his throat tight.

He pushed away the thought that he might be falling deeply in love for the man sitting before him.

"At some point, the thing got too close. You were in agony. So much so that you were hurting yourself. So I– I grabbed you and..." Hua Cheng trailed off, unable to look directly into Xie Lian's eyes.

It dawned upon the God what exactly the other was implying. His face fell into horror in a soft inhale. "You mean to say that I...?" And he pointed to Hua Cheng's back, also unable to complete his sentence.

When the other man nodded, Xie Lian covered his mouth in shock. This was horrible! Why would Hua Cheng not heal himself then?

He didn't have to ask, however. He already knew the answer, after all. Hua Cheng had mentioned at the beginning of this conversation.

It's a reminder. Of my failures.

In other words, it meant something along the lines of I failed to protect you, and so I must keep those marks to remind myself to never let you suffer like that again.

And that wasn't okay! If Xie Lian didn't have to suffer, then Hua Cheng didn’t have to punish himself for something he could not control.

He breathed deeply, calming himself, before he reached for the other's knee, searching for his gaze.

"Can I see them?"

He knew it was a lot to ask. He wasn't certain what kind of response he'd receive. Hua Cheng was hesitant, clearly uncomfortable.

In the end, he nodded, surprising Xie Lian. Very slowly, he undid the upper part of his robes, pulling his hair in front of him before he turned around.

The claw marks were vivid, almost glowing in their angry red. Tenderly, Xie Lian brushed fingers along their lengths, wanting to know the extent of his damage.

Before he realised what he was doing, his lips were kissing them.

He felt Hua Cheng tense, turning his head slightly towards him. "Dianxia?" he whispered, confused.

It all crashed in on Xie Lian, who pulled away so fast, he lost his balance and fell out of bed. He stood up as quickly as he’d tumbled down, cheeks and face both burning brightly. "I'm okay! I'm okay..." he exclaimed with an embarrassed cough.

Hua Cheng, who'd attempted to reach for him, blinked back at him before he burst out in laughter. Xie Lian was more than happy to follow along, laughing brightly as he sat back on the bed.

They laughed so much, they found themselves rolling in bed, lying side by side, clutching at their stomachs. The tension of the last few days was finally relieved, and it felt delightful!

When they calmed down, staring at the ceiling, Xie Lian chanced a glance at Hua Cheng, who was still chest naked. He blushed once more, returning his eyes to the ceiling. He found himself wondering how and why it made him feel so many confusing feelings.

To distract himself, he decided to return to their previous conversation.

"San Lang is wrong, you know," he said matter-of-factly.

Hua Cheng raised an eyebrow, turning to his side, propping himself on one elbow. "Oh? And pray tell how is this humble San Lang wrong?"

Xie Lian snorted.

"He said he'd failed me. Or, well, he implied it anyway. But that's far from the truth. As a matter of fact, San Lang saved me." He chanced a glance the other's way, saw an eye widen. "He arrived the moment I needed him most, whisked me away, and took care of me. He took care of my wounds, stayed with me, and comforted me while I was scared and in pain. All of that means so much to me, it's making my heart burst with gratefulness every time I think about it."

He turned so that they were now face to face. "We can keep asking 'what if', but we will never know the answer to that. I will also keep making my own choices, and you've always respected that. You probably won't be able to protect me from all of them, but that's alright. That's not what I want either. You, being by my side when I've been alone for so long, doing your best to help me heal or to help me live through the consequences, that's what saves me!"

The gasp that echoed in the room was awestruck and Xie Lian's smile softened even more, if it was possible.

"You are an incredible person, San Lang. You are kind and generous and so devoted, I find myself wondering what I did to deserve such kindness from you. I'm not really that good of a person, and I'm far from being as extraordinary as you are..."

He saw the other's protest building up, so Xie Lian placed a hushing finger on Hua Cheng's lips.

"But I am eternally grateful for it all. I hope San Lang will keep staying at my side for as long as he wishes.”

They beamed at each other, faces near. Xie Lian’s eyes looked a little down, settled on the other’s lips, and he debated whether he should ask for some spiritual energy as a pretext for whatever impulse was making him move forward, inch by inch. It would be so easy to just…

A clang resounded behind him and Xie Lian started violently, pulling away in search of the noise. He spotted E-Ming at the foot of the bed, shaking in its scabbard. It probably fell from its spot as it started begging for attention.

Hua Cheng tsked in disgust, grabbing the offender in a snarl as he slapped it.

“Piece of trash,” he grumbled.

Xie Lian immediately reached out and yanked the scimitar away, pulling it in a protective embrace. “San Lang, you can’t say that! I’m sorry, E-Ming, don’t listen to a thing he says,” he cooed at the blade, petting the hilt.

It had probably been worried sick for Xie Lian in the last few days, which was why it had acted, unable to wait any longer to make sure the God was alright. It was sweet, and Xie Lian’s heart swelled at the thought.

E-Ming hadn’t been the only one. Xie Lian’s gaze softened as his mind wandered back to their conversation. They couldn’t know, of course, but maybe a lot could’ve been prevented if Xie Lian had just called Hua Cheng.

“I might have learned a lesson or two,” he began as he went on petting E-Ming absent-mindedly, watching as Hua Cheng dressed himself with a disappointed pang. “I will try to be more careful next time and call San Lang if I ever find myself in trouble. I'm not saying it'll be easy, old habits die hard after all. But I will try my best."

Hua Cheng exhaled, eye soft. "That's all I'm asking for."

The moment was gone and Xie Lian had missed his chance to kiss Hua Cheng. In retrospect, it was probably better that way, considering Hua Cheng had a beloved person waiting for him somewhere.

Never mind he couldn’t remember how he'd been told that he was said beloved.

And Hua Cheng, patient, courteous Hua Cheng, didn't mention a word of it, waiting for it all to come from Xie Lian.

At the very least, the conversation they had was the foundation that solidly built their relationship. And when finally, they were able to be together, it was that much easier to talk things out, knowing how the other felt.

Despite how painful the experience had been, neither would trade the aftermath for the world. It was, as it had always been, how things worked between them: living through it all together.