Xie Lian hurries home to Puji Shrine after the incident in QianDeng Temple. He knows he really ought to go see how the heavens are planning on dealing with Mount Tonglu's reopening, but he also knows that they can deal with his absence for another day or two while he settles his heart. He doesn't think he can face Hua Cheng anytime soon, but almost worse than that, he's superstitiously convinced that Jun Wu will somehow know everything as soon as he looks at Xie Lian. How could he report in knowing that Jun Wu knows he spent all night making out with Hua Cheng?
So he goes back to Puji first. Gu Zi and Qi Rong are still back in Ghost City, causing more or less chaos between the two of them, but Lang Ying is still in the shrine. When Xie Lian approaches, he looks up from where he's sitting hunched over on the porch.
"Hi Lang Ying," Xie Lian greets him. "What are you looking at?"
Lang Ying shrugs. Xie Lian steps closer and peers over his shoulder: there's an anthill in the dirt right by the porch. It doesn't show any signs of having been poked at or anything; it looks like Lang Ying has just been sitting here watching it. Xie Lian smiles to himself. He had also been an anthill-watching child, after all. "Pretty cool," he says in approval.
"Mm," Lang Ying says.
"Let's go into town," Xie Lian decides. "I want to get you new robes for autumn, but I don't have any money. Would you like to play while I perform for people?"
Lang Ying looks at him, then nods solemnly. Xie Lian grins at him and ruffles his hair gently. "You're a good kid," he tells him.
"Hm," Lang Ying says.
They head into town. Lang Ying wanders off to play with other kids while Xie Lian sets up by a corner, although he makes sure to keep an eye on the kids' general group dynamic to make sure Lang Ying isn't getting bullied. But the other kids seem to like him just fine; between his proximity to Xie Lian, who seems to have cemented his status among them as A Cool Adult, and the fact that other kids tend to respond to Lang Ying's own serious personality as a challenge to impress him, Lang Ying seems to be doing pretty well. He's older than most of the kids anyway, at fifteen or sixteen, and that makes them want to suck up to him a little too. He's fine.
Xie Lian sets himself up in his usual spot and decides that today is a balancing-spinning-plates-on-sticks kind of day. This is something he likes doing, although the metaphorical resonances don't escape him; or perhaps it's because they don't escape him that he likes it. Like this, he always catches the plates before they fall.
By noon he's amassed a small but steady crowd, who all hoot and applaud at opportune moments and throw him coins and things. One little girl even shyly passes him an early pear, which he takes gratefully.
He's just begun to pack up when a little dustcloud full of children tumbles back into the square, all of them yelling apparently for his attention: "Daozhang!" "Daozhang!" "Mister Lang Ying's dad!"
"He's not my dad," Lang Ying mutters, somewhere in the pile of kids.
A scruffy looking child of indeterminate gender fights their way to the front and bows dramatically in front of Xie Lian. Xie Lian says, "Good afternoon. How can I help you?"
The child -- the ringleader -- straightens and wipes some dirt from their nose. "Ning Yingying is really sick and she needs to go home can you please carry her home??"
"We were gonna take her home but we wanna keep playing," another kid pipes up. Someone elbows him for his honesty.
"I can take her home," Xie Lian tells them. "If someone will show me the way."
A pair of kids shuffle forward with a girl supported between them. She's maybe eight, and she looks irritated and embarrassed, but also like someone who absolutely should not have left the house this morning. Even from where he's standing, Xie Lian can hear the way she's wheezing. He salutes her and she kind of bows, before straightening and coughing violently into her hand.
"Sorry Daozhang," she mumbles. "I just have a cold."
"It's nothing to apologize for," Xie Lian tells her. "Would it be okay if I picked you up?"
She nods, so Xie Lian ends up giving her a piggyback ride, accompanied by a handful of her friends. The kids mostly ignore him in favor of cheerfully antagonizing each other, and Ning Yingying seems much more animated now that she isn't being dragged along between two kids. She keeps coughing into Xie Lian's hair, but she's talking too, spitting delightfully creative little-kid insults at her friends. At one point one of her friends forgets himself and gives her dangling foot a hard yank, which makes her almost fall off Xie Lian's back before the pair of them are able to balance themselves. This, unfortunately, involves Ning Yingying's hands flying up to clutch at Xie Lian's face, which means she sticks some of her gross cough-fingers into his mouth by accident.
Xie Lian sighs to himself. Truly, if he doesn't have a cough in a couple days, there will be something wrong with the world.
*
The first coughing fit comes precisely two days later. Xie Lian stops what he's doing at once and rides it out, and once he can breathe again he turns to Lang Ying and says, "Lang Ying, how do you feel about going to stay with one of the kids in town for a while? I don't want to get you sick too."
Lang Ying looks at him and nods silently. Xie Lian points him to where the villagers have left a small sack of dry rice. "Take this with you as thanks for hosting you, okay?"
Lang Ying nods again, takes the rice, and heads to the door. He stops at the threshold and looks back at Xie Lian. "You'll be okay?" he checks.
"Yes, yes," Xie Lian says, surprised and touched that he cared enough to ask. "I'll be fine."
Lang Ying frowns a little, still hesitant to leave. "You might call Hua-ge," he suggests.
"Hua-ge, huh?" Xie Lian echoes. Hua-ge! That's so cute!! "I wasn't sure how you felt about him," he admits.
Lang Ying shrugs uncomfortably. "He doesn't like me," he says. "It's okay. But he loves you. So you might call him."
"Eh…" Xie Lian says. He shakes his head to clear it. Lang Ying probably means love as in, you know, ordinary friendship love, not-- whatever it is Xie Lian wants from Hua Cheng. He clears his throat. "Um, I'll think about it. Thanks, Lang Ying."
"Mm," Lang Ying says, and then he slips out the door.
Xie Lian waits for him to get far enough away that he won't be able to hear, and then he carefully places his face in his hands and groans himself into another coughing fit.
*
Xie Lian spends the rest of that day and most of the next continuing to putter around the shrine and helping villagers with minor problems like he usually does, just punctuated with bouts of coughing. The bouts get worse and more frequent as the day goes on, and finally by the end of the second evening he has to face it: the delicate childhood constitution he thought he'd outgrown, or at least outlasted, is in fact just buried in his body, and this cold is gonna kick his ass. It's fine. It's fine! He'll just lie around pathetically for a couple days and then he'll be better and he can be useful again.
He doesn't need help, and he certainly doesn't need to ask Hua Cheng for help. He refuses to be that pitiful!! Hua Cheng is busy anyway… What is he up to now, Xie Lian wonders, and then he remembers that it's really none of his business.
And yet… As he curls up next to the stove, hoping the heat will help his back stop aching from the force of his coughing, all he can think about is Hua Cheng. He refuses to think about the other night, obviously, but is Mount Tonglu still affecting his friend? Is he in pain? Is he lonely?
(Has he kissed anyone else?)
Xie Lian slaps his own cheeks. God!! Bad thoughts!! Worrying is fine, but it's none of Xie Lian's business whom Hua Cheng kisses!!!!
He kicks his feet in frustration and admits to himself, like drawing poison from a wound, that he doesn't want Hua Cheng kissing anyone else and in fact he'd like to kiss Hua Cheng all the time, and having admitted this he can go back to thinking about other things. Like -- well, his only other real friend is Windmaster, he realizes dully, and he doesn't want to think about her right now. He coughs into his elbow. He's spent so much time cheerfully thoughtless, but now it seems like his only two modes are "guilt and mourning" or "nonstop thoughts about Hua Cheng."
"This is so stupid," he mumbles to himself, and then he curls up tighter and falls asleep against the stove.
*
On day three of the cold, he wakes up to find he's developed a wet, rattling wheeze, as well as what must be a fever. His whole body aches, which he thinks is particularly unfair given that he really didn't do anything at all yesterday, just walked around and helped pick late-summer squashes and carried them in bushels back to the farmers' houses and helped start pickling them and…
Well. In any case, it seems today is a day for Xie Lian to lie on the floor of Puji Shrine and sleep his fever off. He drifts in and out of consciousness all morning; sometimes he thinks he's been awake and doing things, and then he wakes up and realizes that his only real activity has been "drooling." Other times he gets caught in thought spirals where half his mind seems to be yelling extremely important things at him, and the other half is caught in sludge, and the net effect is a feeling of urgent restlessness about nothing in particular. At some point he lies flat on the floor and watches dust motes swirl in the light for what feels like hours, but according to the sun's position in the sky it must have been only minutes. He can't follow the threads of his thoughts at all, just lets them pop into his head like bubbles in a pot, here and gone again. When he's awake he's struck by a sucking, hellish boredom, but he can't concentrate on anything long enough to combat it.
And he's used to it. It's fine. This is just what it's like to be sick. He'll cope; coping, at least, is an activity in which his expertise is truly unparalleled.
He laughs a little to himself at that thought, and then he starts coughing again, and when he's stopped coughing he can't remember what he was laughing about. Was he laughing? Is Hua Cheng here? -- Usually when he laughs it's because of something Hua Cheng said. Xie Lian mumbles, "San Lang?" But the only response is the wind in the eaves.
At some point, seconds or hours later, Xie Lian gets the brilliant idea to play dice with himself. Something easy and silly and kind of entertaining. He digs his dice out from his sleeve and thinks, I bet this'll be higher than seven, and tosses them: a three and a two.
He sighs and tosses them again. One-five.
And again: two-four.
I bet this'll be lower than seven, he thinks, and then he gets three-four precisely. "Damn," he mutters to himself, and then the door to the shrine opens and Hua Cheng steps through.
Xie Lian rolls onto his back to look up at him.
"Hey," Hua Cheng says, miles above him.
"San Lang," Xie Lian says, and then he's wracked by a fit of coughing that feels like something has reached into his lungs and is scooping out all the little bubbles inside. The force of it makes him curl onto his side like a pillbug, and he feels Hua Cheng's cool hands on his forehead and at his back.
"Gege," Hua Cheng says, alarmed. "Gege, are you alright?"
Xie Lian laughs at his question -- stupid! Of course he's alright -- which just makes it hurt worse, but he flaps a hand in Hua Cheng's direction and wheezes, "Just sick."
Hua Cheng rubs his back, and he feels warm spiritual energy passing from Hua Cheng's hand into his body. I prefer the other way, Xie Lian thinks hysterically, but it soothes his aching chest.
"What?" Hua Cheng says.
"'m fine," Xie Lian tells him. "Don't worry."
"You're not fine, gege, you're burning up. And this place is a sieve," Hua Cheng says. "How long has your stove been out?"
"It's out?" Xie Lian mumbles, and then he realizes that yes, he's just been curled up next to a cold block of bricks for who knows how long. "Oh," he says lamely. His eyelids drift shut of their own accord. "It's fine," he sighs. "San Lang."
There's a jingling and then a rustling sound, and then Hua Cheng tucks what must be his own outer robe around Xie Lian's shoulders. Xie Lian nuzzles into it. "You sleep, gege," Hua Cheng says, his voice sounding as if he's underwater. "I'll take care of you."
Xie Lian hears himself make a sound at that, but he's asleep before Hua Cheng can react.
*
Hua Cheng is freaking the hell out. He'd been hoping, when he sensed Xie Lian rolling his dice, that maybe Xie Lian had decided to tell him the truth after all about whatever awful things Hua Cheng had done when he was in the grips of Mount Tonglu's reopening. (Oh, "we fought"-- as if a real sincere fight between them, with himself out of his mind and choking on demonic energy, would end in anything other than a murder-suicide.)
But instead he's found his beloved curled on the floor, sweating all the fluid out of his body, evidently half-delirious with fever. Obviously Xie Lian isn't in any real danger -- it would take more than a normal human illness to really hurt him -- but he looks miserable.
Once Hua Cheng has his red outer robe tucked around him and Xie Lian has fallen fitfully asleep, Hua Cheng busies himself with shoving more wood into the stove and lighting it. Then he goes to get more firewood, and after that he cleans the shrine, and after that he heats water on the stove, pours some into a cup, and sits down by Xie Lian's head, strokes his sweaty hair back from his flushed face.
"Gege," he says quietly. "Wake up, you should drink water."
Xie Lian blinks into apparent wakefulness and croaks, "San Lang."
"That's me," Hua Cheng says. Xie Lian's lips tug up at the corners in a tired smile.
"You're really here, right? 'm not just dreaming you?" Xie Lian checks, reaching clumsily for Hua Cheng's hands. Hua Cheng catches his hand in midair and presses the cup of hot water into it.
"I'm really here," he confirms. Xie Lian dreams of him? "Gege, pardon my saying so, but -- you look terrible."
Xie Lian kind of grunts, which is really cute. He sits up carefully, and Hua Cheng puts a hand on his back to keep him upright. He takes a long sip of hot water and admits, "Gege feels terrible."
Ah… It's so cute that he referred to himself as gege… He's so cute…
Xie Lian must take Hua Cheng's silence as a sign of concern rather than a sign that he's a lovestruck idiot, because he says after a moment, "I'm fine, though, really, San Lang. Just a cold. Just… need to sleep." He tips the rest of the hot water down his throat, and Hua Cheng takes the cup from him. He rubs his back with his other hand, and Xie Lian leans into it.
"My poor baby," Hua Cheng murmurs, before he can stop himself. Where the hell did that even come from? He doesn't think anyone's said anything like that to him in his life. He soldiers on and hopes Xie Lian didn't notice. "Gege, you have a fever. Let me take your pulse?"
Xie Lian blinks drowsily at him and offers one delicate wrist. Hua Cheng takes his pulse -- fast and weak, but nothing particularly going on with his meridians -- and then he has Xie Lian stick his tongue out for inspection, and then he presses his ear to Xie Lian's chest to listen to his creaking breathing. Xie Lian strokes his hair absentmindedly and he almost dies again on the spot.
"It's really just a cold, sweet San Lang," Xie Lian tells him. "I just need water and sleep. You don't need to worry over me."
Hua Cheng frowns at him and pushes hair back from his forehead again. Xie Lian still technically has his hair up in a bun, but it's messy and lopsided, so Hua Cheng reaches around his face with both hands to untie his hair ribbon. "Of course I have to worry over you!" he insists, still frowning. "You never take care of yourself, gege. Of course I have to worry."
Xie Lian looks up at him, loose hair falling around his face now. "Are you mad at me?" he asks.
Hua Cheng meets his eyes in dismay. "No," he says immediately, "No, I'm sorry, I--" am an insensitive jackass, apparently, my one job is to make you feel better and here I am making things worse -- He shakes his head and looks away and pulls his nasty violent hands back to himself. "No, this San Lang isn't mad at dianxia," he says, retreating back into formal speech. God, he's been so presumptuous. "This San Lang is frustrated with himself. He wishes he had known earlier to come take care of dianxia."
"My San Lang couldn't have known, so he shouldn't blame himself," Xie Lian tells him in a reedy voice. "And anyway I don't want you to get sick too."
Hua Cheng has a hard time keeping himself from reacting to My San Lang. He wants to vibrate out of his skin with delighted adoration. He clears his throat and says, "I'm dead, gege, I can't get sick," which is not strictly speaking entirely true, but he doesn't want Xie Lian to worry about him.
Xie Lian tips slowly over to lean into Hua Cheng's side. Hua Cheng wants to kiss his hair. He resists and keeps rubbing light circles into Xie Lian's warm back. Xie Lian hums, and then he says, "You'll get bored with me."
"I won't," Hua Cheng says.
"I got bored with me," Xie Lian admits.
"I won't," Hua Cheng repeats. "Does gege want me to leave?"
Xie Lian shakes his head against Hua Cheng's shoulder.
"Okay," Hua Cheng says. "In that case I'm happy to stay as long as gege wants me to."
"Mm. Okay," Xie Lian mumbles into his sleeve. "Guess you're stuck here forever then."
Hua Cheng stares down at him, but he's already asleep.
Hua Cheng lets Xie Lian doze against his shoulder for maybe half an hour while he scrapes together enough braincells to move, and then he carefully slithers out from under him. He finds the sleeping mat in its place in the corner and unrolls it, then carefully arranges Xie Lian on it so that his broad back is to the stove, still draped in Hua Cheng's red robes, and then he slips out the door and back into Paradise Manor. He raids his own room for blankets, heavy ones, because he knows Xie Lian likes the all-over weight of them, and then he returns to Puji Shrine, where Xie Lian is right where he left him.
Hua Cheng drapes the blankets one by one over Xie Lian's sweet form, tucks them in around his ankles, wedges one under his head. Then he lies down next to him on the floor, takes his pulse again -- a little better -- and falls asleep with his fingers loosely circling Xie Lian's wrist.
*
Hua Cheng wakes to the heavy warmth of blankets being tugged over him. He blinks sleep away and says, "Gege?"
"I don't want San Lang to get cold," Xie Lian whispers to him. He's half-sitting in the dark, braced on one arm as he rearranges the blankets with the other. Hua Cheng smiles, endeared.
"Gege, it's okay for me to be cold," he says. "I'm always cold, I don't mind."
"But it feels good to be warm, right?" Xie Lian insists.
"... Yes," Hua Cheng admits. "But that doesn't mean--"
"San Lang should be comfortable," Xie Lian tells him, with the sleepy confident logic of fever. "All the time, San Lang should be kept warm."
Hua Cheng wants to kiss him. He doesn't. Instead he admits defeat and sits up to help Xie Lian tug the blankets so that they're both covered; but it's quickly apparent that the blankets aren't wide enough to cover them both at this distance.
"San Lang could come closer," Xie Lian suggests, when he points this out.
Hua Cheng is glad he doesn't have a heartbeat. "Ah, I see now," he teases. "Gege just wants to snuggle with me, I understand, ahaha."
Hua Cheng is joking, but Xie Lian is conspicuously silent. Hua Cheng ducks closer to look at his face. His expression of embarrassment is so cute, his eyebrows high curves over wide evasive eyes. Again the urge to kiss him. Again resistance. Hua Cheng clears his throat. "Ah… I was right??"
Xie Lian's shoulders raise in his fluster. "San Lang ah, maybe now I don't, if you're gonna tease me about it," he says.
"Nooo," Hua Cheng whines. He flops back onto the sleeping mat and mock-weeps, "No, gege, what if now I want to snuggle with you, how cruel!"
Xie Lian looks down at him, handsome mouth curving despite himself. "Don't make fun of me," he says half-heartedly.
"I'm not, I'm not!" Hua Cheng insists. He wraps his arms around Xie Lian's narrow waist and tugs on him, willing him to lie down again. "Gege doesn't know this about me, but I'm so clingy. Ah, please hold me, I'll be so happy if only you hold me!"
Xie Lian laughs then, but it triggers a coughing fit that makes Hua Cheng forget to flirt more. Instead he bolts up and supports Xie Lian's shaking shoulders, rubs more spiritual energy into Xie Lian's back. "Hey, hey," he soothes when Xie Lian makes a frustrated sound, "it's okay, I've got you."
"I can't hold you, I'll just cough on you all night," Xie Lian says bitterly when the fit is passed. His voice sounds terrible.
"So you cough on me. I don't mind," Hua Cheng tells him.
Xie Lian looks at him. Hua Cheng lays the back of his hand against Xie Lian's burning forehead: still fevered. Xie Lian closes his eyes and leans into the cool of his hand and murmurs, "Why?"
"Why what?" Hua Cheng asks, although he fears the answer. Xie Lian just shrugs, so Hua Cheng chooses to answer a relatively safe question. "Sometimes a guy just wants to be held, gege, I don't know what to tell you."
"Hmm," Xie Lian says. He leans forward into Hua Cheng's chest, and Hua Cheng wraps his arms around him and carefully lowers them both into lying down. Xie Lian wriggles until he's got his arms around Hua Cheng's chest and one leg pushed between Hua Cheng's knees, his heated face tucked into the cool crook of Hua Cheng's neck. Hua Cheng nuzzles into his hair and strokes his hands down his back, shocked that he's allowed to do this.
"Thank you," Xie Lian whispers.
Hua Cheng finally caves and presses a kiss to his hair and whispers back, "Any time."
*
Technically, it's a horrible night; Hua Cheng is already a light sleeper, and Xie Lian keeps coughing or squirming around or mumbling deliriously to himself, keeping Hua Cheng awake. But it's worth it to hold him and know he wants this, in whatever capacity; it's worth it to wake up to Xie Lian's hoarse voice whispering San Lang, San Lang in his sleep. At one point Xie Lian sits up abruptly and looks around, blinking in the dark, and then he looks down and sees Hua Cheng with his eyebrows raised and his arms open where they fell, and he blinks again and shakes his head and lies back down again, tucks himself snugly into his side, hair spilling over Hua Cheng's chest, all without speaking. As if he didn't remember where he was, but he thought, Oh, this is normal.
Hua Cheng loves him. Hua Cheng wants to wrap himself around Xie Lian like a python made of single-minded adoration, wants to kiss his flushed face until the cool of his own lips breaks Xie Lian's fever, wants to listen to the little soft-mouthed sounds he makes in his sleep every night forever. He's so perfect, breathing quietly through his mouth against Hua Cheng's collarbone. This night is wonderful.
Xie Lian coughs them both awake around four, his body curling into itself like a drying leaf. Hua Cheng sits up and rubs his back through it, soothes him in a sleepy whisper. When the coughing passes Xie Lian mutters, "This sucks," and Hua Cheng laughs quietly into his hair.
"Let me up, I'll heat more water for you," he offers. Xie Lian blinks and releases his sweaty grip on Hua Cheng's white robes, spreads his legs so Hua Cheng can wriggle free.
"Sorry," he wheezes.
"No apologies," Hua Cheng replies as he places the kettle back on the stove. "I'm the one who asked you to hold me."
"Hmm," Xie Lian says. He pulls the blankets up around his shoulders and shudders with cold, although he's still feverishly hot. After a moment he starts humming tunelessly to himself, little mmmmmm s at different pitches for as long as his breath will hold, which is an impressively long time. After a minute Hua Cheng joins him at a lower pitch to harmonize, and Xie Lian startles a little and smiles at him, handsome in the dark, and keeps humming. The kettle whistles, another perfect harmony, and they laugh at each other in delighted surprise.
Hua Cheng pours another cup of water for Xie Lian and hands it to him, then places the back of his hand on his forehead to his temperature again while he drinks. Still too hot. Xie Lian puts the empty cup down and leans into his hand, eyes closing.
"San Lang's hands are so nice," he sighs sleepily. "Feels good. Cool."
Hua Cheng reaches up with his other hand to cup Xie Lian's warm face between them, fingers easing into his hair. "Good?"
Xie Lian nods, turns his face to drag his mouth along Hua Cheng's wrist in a soft and clumsy kiss. Hua Cheng stares at him. He really must be delirious.
He pulls his hands away gently and picks up Xie Lian's cup. "One more drink and then we'll go back to sleep, okay?" he says.
Xie Lian nods and coughs again while Hua Cheng pours hot water. He drinks again and wipes his mouth with the back of his hand, and then he wipes at his eyes with his palms. "Gege?" Hua Cheng asks. Is he… crying?
"I'm fine," Xie Lian manages. "I just -- my mother used to say that. When I was a little kid. It surprised me."
"Oh," Hua Cheng says. He didn't know parents said things like that. "I'm sorry, I won't say it again if it upsets you."
Xie Lian flaps a hand at him. "It's fine," he insists, "I'm fine, come back to bed."
Well, how's Hua Cheng supposed to say no to that? He crawls back over and slides back under the blankets, where Xie Lian immediately wraps himself around him again. "Not a word," Xie Lian warns him, and he laughs.
"My lips are sealed," he promises, hugging him back. It feels so good to hold and be held. Xie Lian pushes his face into Hua Cheng's chest, inhales carefully.
"I like how San Lang smells," he mumbles into his shirt. "Like flowers and smoke. And… boy."
"Boy?" Hua Cheng echoes, amused. And a little turned on. Xie Lian nods.
"Boy," he confirms sleepily. "Or, you know, man, or whatever. Kind of... sweaty, I guess."
"I see," Hua Cheng says. "Gege thinks I smell like sweaty man stink. So it's like that."
Xie Lian swats at his shoulder. "San Lang ah!! I'm trying to compliment you!!"
"Are you??"
"Yes!! It's sexy!! Oh, my god, it's so --" Xie Lian wheezes. There's a moment of quiet as he inhales again, presses his hands into Hua Cheng's back. Then he says, "I'm going to shut up now."
"No, no, by all means, gege, keep telling me about how you think I smell sexy," Hua Cheng says.
"No," Xie Lian says into his chest. Hua Cheng laughs at him, thrilled and endeared, and squeezes him in his arms.
"Poor gege," he says, "he's so tired and sick and he still has to endure my nonsense."
Xie Lian sighs a little and admits, "San Lang's nonsense is much better than being sick alone."
"Mm," Hua Cheng says. "I'm glad you think so."
"I'm always sick alone," Xie Lian says. "This is much better."
Hua Cheng frowns and strokes his hair, his urge to flirt wilting with the reminder of just how fucking lonely Xie Lian's life has been. "My poor gege," he says quietly. "It's been a long time since anyone's taken care of you, huh?"
Xie Lian shudders his exhale and says in a tiny voice, "Yeah."
"You've got me now, okay? I'll take care of you," Hua Cheng tells him, although he knows that in the morning Xie Lian probably won't remember this at all. It's fine; he'll just say it again. "I've got you."
Xie Lian nods into his shoulder and sniffles once, then again, and then he pulls away a little to pull a handkerchief from his sleeve and press it to his face.
"Gege, are you okay?" Hua Cheng asks, worried that he's come on too strong, or that it was maybe cruel to point out how lonesome it is. Xie Lian sobs a little. Fuck. "Was it something I said?"
Xie Lian nods and Hua Cheng's silent heart drops. "Oh, no, gege, please tell me what it is I said," he begs, "I'm so sorry, I'll never say it again!"
"No!" Xie Lian exclaims. "No, no, you haven't done anything wrong, San Lang, I'm--" He pauses to blow his nose -- "I'm okay, I'm crying because I'm so happy."
"Gege??" Hua Cheng asks, completely lost.
"You're right!" Xie Lian gasps. "You're right, it has been really long since anyone's t-taken care of me. It's been a really, really long time." He cleans his handkerchief and hands with a flick of his fingers and sinks back into Hua Cheng's embrace. "I'm really happy San Lang wants to take care of me."
"Oh, my love," Hua Cheng sighs. He pushes his fingers back into Xie Lian's hair. "Of course I do."
"I'm sorry to cry," Xie Lian says. "I don't know why it's happening."
"I don't mind," Hua Cheng tells him. "You're tired and sick, I understand."
"Ordinarily my face is so thick but you just crack me open every time," Xie Lian mumbles into his chest.
"Ah… I don't mean to," Hua Cheng says, a little stunned.
"Safe," Xie Lian whispers. "You make me feel so safe."
Hua Cheng doesn't know what to say to that. He squeezes Xie Lian tight again, kisses his hair. This is all he's ever wanted.
"San Lang…" Xie Lian murmurs. He presses his fingertips into Hua Cheng's back.
"I'm here."
"Thank you," Xie Lian says again.
Hua Cheng strokes his back. "Gege… is so brave," he says. He feels Xie Lian make some sort of face against the skin of his throat. "And I admire that about him, and I'm proud of his bravery. But I'm honored that he doesn't feel like he has to be brave for me. So, thank you."
Xie Lian shudders a sigh and clutches the back of Hua Cheng's shirt. "San Lang," he exhales, "my San Lang. You hold my heart so gently."
"Go to sleep, gege," Hua Cheng whispers into his hair. If Xie Lian sleeps now, he won't see Hua Cheng weeping with love for him.
"Will you sing to me?" Xie Lian asks.
Hua Cheng blinks in the dark, but he says, "Alright. What sort of song would you like?"
"Anything," Xie Lian breathes. "Anything. Just your voice."
"Okay," Hua Cheng says helplessly. He tries to think of something to sing. After a moment, he clears his throat, and begins:
Engraved with lines of agony
My palm enshrines a pledge:
The line of faith outstrips
The line of years...
He's not certain he's gotten the words right; the song is in a language he spoke once, but doesn't really anymore. He isn't sure if Xie Lian speaks the language or not. But when it ends, Xie Lian is fast asleep in his arms, so maybe it doesn't matter at all.
*
When Xie Lian wakes, the sun is already three fingers above the horizon, and the day is alive with the sounds of birds and insects and late-summer frogs. Xie Lian closes his eyes again and nuzzles into his pillow, half-listening to them as his consciousness enters the world again. He remembers, he's had a terrible cold… And Hua Cheng was here, maybe, or maybe he was just lonely and dreamed his presence…
He opens his eyes again and realizes at once that no, he hadn't dreamt his friend's visit, and also he still doesn't have a pillow in his shrine, just a sleepy demon who's been enduring Xie Lian's face mushed into his neck this whole time. Xie Lian sits up in embarrassment, and sees Hua Cheng's pretty black eye is open, looking at him. He clears his throat.
"Good morning, San Lang," he says sheepishly.
"Good morning, gege," Hua Cheng replies with a smile. "Are you feeling better?"
"Mm," Xie Lian says. "I think the worst of it is over. I had a fever, right?"
Hua Cheng sits up, his black hair messy and soft-looking in the warm morning light. "Yeah, it was pretty bad. How much do you remember?"
Xie Lian frowns as he thinks. He remembers coughing a lot, and he thinks he remembers Hua Cheng arriving -- looking down at him? Was he on the floor?? Flashes of memory: Hua Cheng's concerned face, a cup of hot water in his hands, an impression of a singing voice. But other than that he just remembers a feeling of total warmth. "Not much," he says.
"Mm," Hua Cheng says, his expression unreadable.
"Did I -- did I say anything weird??" Xie Lian asks, suddenly anxious. He can barely keep his feelings for Hua Cheng under wraps when he is in control of himself; what might he have said under the influence of a fever??
"Yeah, you said I smelled like stinky man sweat," Hua Cheng tells him.
Xie Lian gapes at him, horrified. "Seriously??"
"Oh, yes," Hua Cheng says. "I was scandalized."
Xie Lian hides his head in his hands and groans, "San Lang ah, I'm so sorry, I don't know what--" and then he starts coughing, chest tight and painful. He feels Hua Cheng's hand on his back a moment later, rubbing spiritual energy into his chest in small circles. When it passes he wheezes, "Sorry."
"I'm kidding, gege, you didn't say that," Hua Cheng tells him.
Xie Lian reaches blindly out to hit him in the shoulder, and he overbalances, laughing in delight and rubbing his arm where the punch landed. "Gege is so vengeful!" he crows.
Xie Lian laughs painfully and leans over him. "That's what you get!!" he declares, and then Hua Cheng reaches up and grabs him around the shoulders, toppling him over onto his chest. They roll around on the floor, play-wrestling and laughing, until Xie Lian's distracted attempt to suppress another bout of coughing lets Hua Cheng pin him by the wrists to the ground.
They stare at each other, grinning and panting, for a long moment. Then Hua Cheng closes his eye and lowers his face slowly into the crook of Xie Lian's neck, where he must surely be able to feel how fast and hard Xie Lian's heart is pounding. Xie Lian inhales carefully.
"Gege," Hua Cheng says lowly.
"Mmn," Xie Lian says, willing his voice not to shake, his legs not to fall open around Hua Cheng's narrow hips. God, he wants him.
"I should go," Hua Cheng says.
"Oh," Xie Lian says, disappointed.
"Mount Tonglu," Hua Cheng says in explanation. Of course; that problem hasn't gone away at all. Xie Lian suppresses a shiver.
"Alright," he says. Then he adds, "Be careful, San Lang. Stay safe."
Hua Cheng raises his head to make eye contact. "I will," he promises. "And -- gege, if you need me -- for any reason at all, please, don't hesitate to ask. Okay?"
"Okay," Xie Lian lies. Some needs are easier to ask for than others.
"I want to take care of you," Hua Cheng blurts. "Anything you need, I want you to have it. You don't have to be alone."
"Oh," Xie Lian says, shocked. And then, "I-- you too. I feel the same way for you. If I can help, I want to."
Hua Cheng's eye gleams with an emotion Xie Lian doesn't know how to read. "I should go," he repeats, as if he wants something.
Xie Lian looks up at him. "I miss you," he says quietly. At Hua Cheng's raised eyebrow, he clarifies, "When you're gone. I miss you."
Hua Cheng smiles softly at him. "I miss you when I'm gone, too," he says, and then he releases Xie Lian's wrists and sits up. "I'll see you soon. Okay?"
Xie Lian sits up too and nods. "Thank you," he says. "For staying last night. Sorry I coughed on you."
Hua Cheng laughs and pulls his red robe from under the blankets. "It's fine, gege, I knew what I was getting into," he says as he wiggles back into it. "If I start coming down with something I'll have only myself to blame."
Xie Lian smiles and leans forward on his elbows. "I like a man who takes responsibility," he jokes, although in fact he's not really joking at all.
"Maybe a man likes you," Hua Cheng jokes back. Xie Lian smiles to cover his heartache. He should have known better than to joke like that with Hua Cheng.
Hua Cheng stands up and retrieves his jewelry from somewhere, buckles his belt on. "I'll be around," Hua Cheng tells him. "There's congee on the stove, gege should eat."
"Okay," Xie Lian says. Hua Cheng reaches his hands down to help him up; Xie Lian wavers when he rises, bumps his head dizzily into Hua Cheng's chest. Hua Cheng lets him stay there, holds his hands to keep him steady. Xie Lian breathes in, then pushes himself away a little. "San Lang should go," he says. If you stay longer, he thinks, I won't ever let you leave.
Hua Cheng releases him and steps away towards the door. "Feel better, gege."
"Thank you," Xie Lian says. Hua Cheng gives him a wave and steps out of the front door and into Paradise Manor, and is gone.
Xie Lian waits for the door to click shut entirely, and then he leans heavily against the altar, covers his face with his hands, and moans.