Sometimes a phantom pain started up in Xie Lian’s chest that didn't go away no matter what he did.
He didn't usually take medicine, unless the situation was especially dire and he couldn't concentrate through the agony—which was rare since he was quite experienced at ignoring pain. But the few times Xie Lian had taken medicine, it hadn't been particularly effective either.
So he thought it was mostly a psychological wound. The pain did seem to flare up most when he was stressed.
When the fits of pain started up, he could usually hide it. But there were also times they became difficult to manage. They could last for days, even weeks, intensifying and dulling like the tides.
When they were at their worst, he couldn't help but show visible signs of the pain—he'd pause and hold his chest for a moment, or even lean against a wall, lips sealed shut to prevent any sounds from coming out.
Hua Cheng had seen him like this, and Xie Lian was alright with that.
At first, he'd tried to hide the fits from his husband. Xie Lian didn't want to worry him. But eventually Hua Cheng noticed and asked, so gently, for the truth.
Xie Lian was alright with it because with Hua Cheng, he didn't need to go into detail about what his heart—his physical, beating heart—had gone through these past few hundred years.
He didn't need to retell the hazy memory of being tied down to an altar, swords slicing through his chest over and over. He didn't need to remember the way his heart still pounded hard even when it’d been cut into ribbons—the way his blood had careened wildly through the air.
Hua Cheng had been there. He'd seen it all.
But Xie Lian feared the day his phantom heart pain would be exposed in front of someone else—someone who would ask too many questions. He didn't mind talking about his past a bit when it came up in passing during a case. But he didn't want to be- to be interrogated if he didn't have to be.
With his luck, his fear came true not long after he started worrying about it.
Xie Lian, Feng Xin, and Mu Qing had just come back from a mission together and were trying to file their report.
The pain in Xie Lian's chest had been slowly growing over the day. He wanted to just finish the report and leave, but there’d been an endless amount of yelling for some reason. He tried to mediate, but it didn't help much.
The three of them together always seemed to be a disastrous mix now. Xie Lian tried to sigh and brush it off—but the fact was, being around his old childhood friends was often stressful, and stress didn't do good things for the pain in his heart.
“Are you an idiot?!” Feng Xin yelled. “They said the beast was terrorizing the village on the south side of the mountain, not the north.”
Mu Qing rolled his eyes. “You refused to even get near those women. How could you have heard what they were saying clearly?”
“Well, at least I tried to ask more than one group, unlike you—always being lazy and counting the investigation over after asking a few people.”
Mu Qing lost control of his temper at being called lazy. To be honest, Xie Lian thought Feng Xin was being unfair. Mu Qing worked as hard as any of them, if not more. But he still moved to block Mu Qing when he aimed a punch at Feng Xin.
The pain in Xie Lian's chest flared more suddenly than he was usually prepared for, and Xie Lian couldn’t help but stumble a little bit.
The punch landed directly on Xie Lian’s torso.
Xie Lian fell to the ground, clutching his heart, eyes squeezed shut.
“What are you doing?!” Feng Xin roared.
Mu Qing gasped quietly. “Why didn’t you block-”
“You asshole!” Feng Xin roared, and grabbed the front of Mu Qing’s robe. “Why did you hit him so hard?”
Mu Qing protested, “I didn’t! I held back at the last second. It shouldn’t have hurt him so much.”
“Stop lying!”
Xie Lian panted on the ground. He forced out, “Stop! Stop it. Mu Qing isn’t lying. This isn’t his fault.”
Oh, how he wished he could just go home and endure the rest of the pain in the comfort of his bed, in the arms of his husband.
He didn't want the feeling of his ex-attendants' eyes on him.
Feng Xin dropped his hold on Mu Qing. He touched Xie Lian's back. “What’s going on?” he said. “Do you- what do you need?”
Mu Qing walked over as well and scoffed. “Well, he doesn’t need you hovering over him while he’s on the ground.” His tone was harsh, but his movements were almost gentle as he pulled one of Xie Lian’s arms over his shoulder and lifted him up. With Feng Xin on the other side, they walked over to a chair. Xie Lian sat down, huffing from the pain.
Feng Xin and Mu Qing were thankfully silent for a few minutes, letting Xie Lian just breathe. His chest throbbed.
He imagined Hua Cheng’s hand in his, and it gave him the strength to look up at Feng Xin and Mu Qing.
“I just get chest pains sometimes,” Xie Lian said. “It’s nothing.”
Feng Xin frowned. “Are you ill?”
Mu Qing crossed his arms. “How could he be sick? With that Blood Rain Sought Flower worshipping him, he should have plenty of power to heal himself.”
Xie Lian shook his head. “Some events can leave lasting effects, even if they’re not physical.”
The other two shifted uncomfortably and avoided his eyes.
Xie Lian sighed again. “It’s nothing, really. It’s just… some of my old injuries, especially the ones that- that lasted a long time or were more severe. It seems like my mind remembers them, even though my body has long healed from them.”
It felt like a shameful secret. Xie Lian truly disliked having to talk about these things over and over. For so many centuries, Xie Lian had just tried to let it all fade with time. But it was still here—his failures displayed on his body.
Mu Qing said slowly, “Is there… is there anything you can do for it?”
Feng Xin nodded vigorously, “Surely there’s some kind of heavenly medicine that can fix it. What is there that the heaven’s can't do?”
Xie Lian gave him a look, and Feng Xin flushed.
Xie Lian shook his head. “San Lang and I have already tried looking for a cure. There’s some things we’ve found that can make it better, but nothing that will make it go away. I usually just rest.”
Xie Lian didn't want to be here. He wanted to go home. But he also didn’t want to leave Feng Xin and Mu Qing here to start fighting again.
Xie Lian rubbed at his chest, hunching over as another wave of pain washed over him.
Xie Lian had been in this state plenty of times, and somehow it felt exponentially worse to experience it in front of other people. He tried to hide the reactions that the pain was wringing from him, while also knowing that there was no point. They already knew. There was no real way to keep his dignity.
Mu Qing finally said, “Well, if you usually rest, then you should go rest.”
Xie Lian looked up, surprised. Mu Qing was the last person he’d expect to give him a way out so easily. Mu Qing looked back at him, expression unreadable, but it definitely wasn’t unkind.
Feng Xin nodded along. “Yeah, if it helps you, you should get- get Blood Rain.” He barely even winced before he said Hua Cheng’s title, and in that, there was definitely the rough kindness that Xie Lian had always admired so much in Feng Xin.
Xie Lian nodded, warmed by their words. “I’ll come back later to help with the paperwork then.”
Feng Xin shook his head. “We'll handle it. Just get some rest.” Mu Qing nodded shortly. The rare moments they agreed with each other were always a delight to see.
Xie Lian smiled again and activated his private communication array.
San Lang?
Gege, Hua Cheng replied immediately, and Xie Lian's tense muscles relaxed at the sound of his voice. Do you want me to come to you?
Xie Lian smiled. Maybe Hua Cheng could tell something was wrong because Xie Lian’s voice was tired or pained.
But he didn’t mind his husband knowing.
Yes, please.
Hua Cheng didn't ask for more information and Xie Lian was grateful. Within moments, Hua Cheng appeared from a dark portal and wrapped his arms around Xie Lian, holding him tight.
Later, they laid on their mat in Puji Shrine, Hua Cheng rubbing Xie Lian’s chest in gentle circles. It shouldn’t have helped since it wasn't a purely physical kind of pain, but it did actually lessen the agony a little. Hua Cheng’s touch relaxed Xie Lian and perhaps that was what made the pain more bearable.
"I dropped to the ground right in front of Feng Xin and Mu Qing today," Xie Lian said, after an hour of soothing silence.
Hua Cheng hummed and nuzzled into Xie Lian's hair. He never demanded answers, but Xie Lian knew he was always willing to listen when Xie Lian was ready to speak.
"I thought they'd just feel uncomfortable. Maybe annoyed or disgusted," Xie Lian said, staring up at the creaking ceiling.
Hua Cheng tensed, but his hand never stopped rubbing Xie Lian's chest. "Did they?"
"They didn't," Xie Lian said, still amazed at how it'd gone. He laughed a little. "Well, at first they were definitely uncomfortable. But then they just asked me what I needed. Told me to go rest."
Hua Cheng humphed, "So even they can be almost decent sometimes."
Xie Lian chuckled. "San Lang! They were very kind! I felt... supported."
After a pause, Hua Cheng said, "And not ashamed of yourself, right?"
Hua Cheng had laid here with Xie Lian many times, soothing away his hurt. Which meant he'd also been here for the whispered worries that the pain pried out of Xie Lian.
Hua Cheng knew how desperate Xie Lian had been to not let anyone see him in this state.
Xie Lian heaved in a heavy breath. Hua Cheng's hand rose with Xie Lian's chest, and he thought he could feel his heartbeat echoing faintly through the bones of Hua Cheng's fingers.
Xie Lian's exhale rushed out, taking with it every bit of tension in his body. He went limp and Hua Cheng cradled him close. The pain in Xie Lian's chest dulled into a gentle soreness.
Xie Lian closed his eyes, smiled, and nodded.
"Not ashamed."